MOMania

By fk

February 17, 2006 08:56 AM | Link to this

When is an environment too intense for a child? When you see that the parents want it more than the kid. When the focus is the individual instead of the team.

It’s scary to watch some parents out there. It consumes them, it’s all they can talk about. You know you’ve registered your child in the wrong league when parents are talking professional baseball when the kid is in the 2nd grade…and can’t yet read, pack his own sport bag or tie his shoes, and is above packing up the team’s equipment with the rest of the players. Then you progress to middle & high school level sports and the parents are allowing one failed class. Huh?

Academics and homework always came first in our house. Our son played rec league baseball, spring and fall, thru elementary school. The real challenge emerged in middle school when he decided to play football. Time management was the issue. That practice schedule was grueling and time consuming. He learned to balance his responisbilities and prioritize, while maintaining his grades.

He’s in high school now, an honor student, and participates in school sports year round. No, he’s not a star athlete, but he knows what it means to be a team member, and knows the spirit of competition and good sportsmanship. He is aware that after high school, he needs those good grades to get into college.

A side note regarding the SI blog the other day. I made a mental note early in the day to discuss the magazine photos with our son. Obviously, it had been on my mind when my husband inquired about our date for tonight. You can imagine my husband’s bewilderment when he asked me if I was interested in going to a tapas (he pronounced it toppas) lounge. I misunderstood him, and answered in the negative, adding that I did not understand why he would ask me to go to a topless bar to eat?! Our 15 year old was doubled over in laughter as I had already had the conversation with him at that point!

By Dave

February 17, 2006 09:32 AM | Link to this

Generally, it’s when the parents are living vicariously through the child. I coached tennis for 14 years and still do a little on the side. It’s easy to spot the parents that are pushing the child to give the best effort that they can, instead of phoning it in. The bad parents scream at the kids, scream at coaches or officiating or push the child to lessons when it’s obvious that they would rather stick a finger in their eye then partake whatever sport they are doing. That’s just plain sad. On the flip side, I’ve seen parents always wanting to spoon feed their children and place them in a setting where there are tournament level kids busting their rear end and their child is lazy, holding up drills, complaining, yada yada yada… That’s not good at all either because the other parents are wasting their money on the lazy child. It’s definately a double edged sword and the character, competitiveness and mental strength of the child is a HUGE factor in this. Some can’t, some can. School should always come first and I’ve seen where children actually do BETTER in school during a sport’s season because if forces them to grow up, budget their time and discipline themselves. But it ain’t for everyone. I agree that school should always come first and if they can’t handle the strain on their time and attantion, maybe you should wait until they are older or maybe high level competitive sports aren’t for them. Parents should be able to judge and recognize these traits in children and not just live through their exploits. Just my two cents from someone who has lived and seen both sides of the coin.

By Elane

February 17, 2006 09:39 AM | Link to this

Super-competitive kids and their families are just a different breed. That type of situation arises out of a combination of factors. First, you have a kid who shows talent. That alone won’t get him/her into the supercompetitive category. It also requires one or both parents who look at the kid and see dollar signs. Even that won’t make it happen unless there’s a third party, such as an obsessive coach, who’s available to the family. If all of those parties are interested in “going for the gold,” then come the years of fanatical training (as well as frequent physical and psychological abuse), “sacrifice,” and travel.

Is it worth it? Dunno. You could ask the same question of people who strive toward Broadway, the ballet, or the High Roller suite in Las Vegas.

By Dave

February 17, 2006 09:45 AM | Link to this

To clarify, good parents push their child to give a ligitimite effort and improve their skills. Bad parents are the screamers and those that live vicariously through the child. Again, school is always #1 as well as some semblence of a normal childhood. Don’t ask too much, too soon. Also, some parents just think exposing a child to a competitive atmosphere is horrible. I couldn’t disagree more. It teaches a child how to deal with failure as well as accomplishments. It is NOT wrong to allow a child to fail at something. It’s called growing up. Some parents think that you should start these lessons earlier than others. Some sugar coat their child until they go off to college. Then what you have is a child that has no idea of how to deal with college or the real world. In my opinion, starting a child sooner than later is the best choice.

By Susie

February 17, 2006 10:31 AM | Link to this

I think that in some of those countries, parents want their kids to excel in their sport as a way to get out of their country. If I lived in China, I’d probably do the same thing.

However, here is another story. I do know people who are way too wrapped up in competitive stuff for their kids, and it seems to me like it’s more for THEM than it is for the kids.

I am glad that my kids like to do certain sports, and if they are good at them, fine, and if they are not, FINE. I don’t push them to do anything and I don’t discourage them if they want to. There’s enough pressure in the world, my kids don’t need more of it from ME.

By ToughMom

February 17, 2006 10:45 AM | Link to this

As a kid back in the late 70’s, I played sports quite a bit. I was into basketball, touch football (called powder puffs) and other sports. I did it as long as I enjoyed the game. I tell my children to get involved with sports as long as they enjoy it. I encourage them to give their best in all areas especially academics. As for highly competitive sports, I can’t see my children being that involved. For those who do have children involved, all I can say is that I hope and pray that the child enjoys the work, sweat and tears. As long as a child can handle the long hours of practice and keep up with school work, then more power to them. But if it is the parents living through their child and pushing the child, I think the parents should seek mental help. Children are children only once and for a very short period of time. I think a child, any child should be able to enjoy sports, arts or reading if that is where the childs interests are naturally. Regardless of that interest, parents should foster that interest as long as it is a healthy normal interest. Parents should not push and demand above level performance from a child regardless of natural talent or none.

I think I read somewhere at some point that the suicide level in China among children and teens was higher than anywhere else in the world. I could be wrong. I believe the article stated that the high demands in excellence in all areas including academics as well as sports, children could not cope. So, I am against high pressure sports, science fairs and the like when a child loses the enjoyment of the experience.

By Lisa

February 17, 2006 12:00 PM | Link to this

I’ve had a couple of friends who made it to the Olympics and one that made it to the Super Bowl. Their parents didn’t push them; they chose to be excellent in their sport. Lance Armstrong’s mom didn’t push him in bicycle racing either. They had the drive and determination along with supportive parents who set limits. And all of they seem pretty well rounded.

I follow that lead. My children compete but they know it’s not everything to win. Enjoying what they’re competing in is.

By Amy

February 17, 2006 12:14 PM | Link to this

Before children, and when my boys were babies, we used to drive by the baseball field and call it “the cult.” Day and night, early and late, they were there. Now, we have an 11-year old and a 9-year old, and have been in “the cult” for about four years - spring and fall. My opinion changed over these years because, for the oldest, it is his passion, his motivation, his exercise, and his way to belong. For those reasons, I’ll sacrifice the time. If he fails a class in school, he doesn’t play ball - school comes FIRST, and last year he had to miss two tournament games to learn this lesson. For him, competition is wonderful.

For my youngest, he just does it because his friends do, and his brother. He doesn’t take it nearly as seriously, but when we ask him if he wants to do something else, he says no. He could take it or leave it, but I do think even with that attitude the sport has taught him some life lessons. We will not do travel ball, but sorry to say it’s more about the money. Sports sure have come too far in my mind from owning a bat, ball and glove and going to the park to have fun. I hate that it’s about the money, and the “best” bat and the “best” glove. Even in that situation, we provide the basics and they have to buy the extras.

One more thing - coaches make a huge difference, I want the coaches who use it for the life lessons, not the “winners”. Their attitude stinks and it’s not what I want for my kids.

By CRB

February 17, 2006 12:42 PM | Link to this

Sports and athletics are about the only way for kids to learn about winning and losing in a team related activity these days. They pamper and cater to kids too much in school these days IMHO.

Learning to be a part of a team is crucial to a kids development I think.

Win or lose, its an important lesson as long as the parents don’t lose perspective.

By The Momster

February 17, 2006 02:58 PM | Link to this

Motivation HAS to be internal….if the child doesn’t want it, no amount of coaching, pushing, etc. will make that person into an Olympic or professional caliber athlete. At a certain point, children do know their own minds, and have dreams and aspirations of their own. If the family is in a position to make the sacrifices that go with having an elite athlete, more power to them. It becomes a group effort, because the child needs the support, love and resources of the family to succeed. Our son was involved in gymnastics for many years. It started as a once a week activity, but became more consuming when he was asked to join the competitive team. He was thrilled, and challenged, and focused. He learned at a very young age how to organize his time and get his schoolwork done. His VERY high energy level was channeled constructively. As a young teen, he decided that he wanted more time with friends and family (at that point, he was in the gym 5 days a week, and travelling on weekends to meets). We suppported him in his decision to quit, just as we had spent years supporting him in his vision. Supporting the dream of a superior athlete isn’t really different than supporting any other talent (music, art, etc.). Competing publicly enhanced our son’s self-confidence; he became a class leader, and remained so through high school. Most importantly, he learned to trust his own ability to make decisions that are right for him.

By A baseball mom

February 22, 2006 02:15 PM | Link to this

I have two sons who play travel baseball. Both love it and both know very well that school comes first. Each have missed games because they misbehaved in school and their coaches supported our decision.

We have chosen teams and coaches who want them to be the best players they can be, but who first and foremost want them to be the best people they can be.

A sports environment would be too intense for my child if it emphasized winning at all costs. Also if the coaches supported the ‘prima donna’ attitude of players on the team.

As far as balancing sports committments with school, it’s very easy - school comes first, no exceptions.

By DLB

February 23, 2006 02:43 PM | Link to this

I believe that the key component to raising a healthy child is BALANCE. Sports, academics, community service, social skills, spirituality - we need to expose our children our children to all areas that make up a healthy person. I agree with ToughMom that parents should not push and demand high levels of performance, but that if the child truly has the motivation and wants to excel in the sport then parents should encourage and support that decision. But, excellence in sports should NOT take the place of these other important areas in our childrens well-being. Universities and colleges, as well as most employers, are looking for the well-rounded student/employee. They understand that this person has learned to manage their time well and multi-task, as well as, learned how to keep emotionally healthy and reduce stress.

My son played baseball, football, took lessons and competed in Taekwondo through elementary and middle school, played trumpet in the band and took private lessons. He always enjoyed the the sports and music and always had good grades. In High School he has chosen to concentrate on football because of time restraints and that is the sport that he is likely to receive a college scholarship (6’3” 305 lbs., Junior, Offensive Line, 3 year starter). Does he have to depend on that scholarship? No, because he has excellent grades and qualifies for the Hope Grant, as well as, academic scholarships and grants. BALANCE!

The one problem he has is the second semester of every year. Because he is not in a sport, his grades tend to slip a little. He is learning to fill this “free time” with social activities, community service, and church activities.

My wish would be for parents to back-off the pressure a little and let their children have a chance to find their own true passion and live a balanced, self-fulfilled life.