Struggling economy takes its toll on marriages

For Patricia McCants and fiance Diandre Richardson, the focus of their upcoming nuptials has changed. It’s not about roses or daisies; butter cream or cheesecake frosting.

Instead, the big question is … Will we have jobs when we walk down the aisle?

Enlarge this image

JOHNNY CRAWFORD / jcrawford@ajc.com

Dr.Joyce Morley-Ball counsels Gloria and Thomas Sanders inside her office at the Berean Christian Church in Stone Mountain.

Economy & Your Health

• Uncertainty over new health safety net for jobless
• Small businesses under pressure to cut health coverage
• Sagging economy leads to more cosmetic touch-ups
• Struggling economy takes its toll on marriages
• No job, no insurance: How do you survive?
• Tips on surviving without insurance
• Blog: Got coverage? Many do not.
• Your Money Page

Related health articles:

• Study: Clozapine may have saved schizophrenics 
• Obesity a risk factor in swine flu? 
• Study: 1918 flu survivors seem immune to swine flu 
• Fall swine flu: Obama urges vigilance, not panic 
• Swine flu shots at school: Bracing for fall return 

• Topics: Atlanta hospitals | Weight loss | CDC | Cancer | Swine Flu
• Back to Health news

DOCTOR IS IN

Why worry?

THINNER YOU

Lose weight. Together.

“This economy is definitely wearing on our relationship,” says McCants, who works at Emory University and lives in Lithonia. “It’s like a dark cloud.”

And it’s not just young engaged couples who are feeling financially pinched or stressed by the economy. It’s people all around us — from retirees concerned that their nest egg isn’t secure to working moms trying to pay more than $4 a gallon for gas to keep the minivan and kids rolling.

An American Psychological Association annual survey released this week found a 13 percent increase in two years of Americans who say money is a major source of stress — from 59 percent in 2006 to 72 percent this year.

The survey reveals deep and potentially dangerous levels of stress all across America, says J. Kip Matthews, an Athens psychologist.

“People don’t have money for little things they enjoyed like going to the movies,” Matthews says. “They are now more worried and asking themselves, ‘How am I going to pay the rent?’ … And this stress effects every aspect of our lives.”

Stress can lead to sleepless nights, short fuses and even depression.

McCants and Richardson are feeling the negative toll, for sure.

“We talk, and he gets frustrated and I get frustrated,” says McCants, whose fiance, a 32-year-old firefighter in Germantown, Md, started looking for a job here after they got engaged in April.

So far, no luck.

‘Focus on what you can do now’

It’s natural for couples to be on edge about their jobs, rising gas prices, tumbling stocks and the long-term impact of the Wall Street woes, experts say. That stress can bleed into relationships. But here’s where couples can run into trouble — when they direct their rage toward each other.

“My number one piece of advice: Don’t blame or your belittle your spouse,” says David Woodsfellow, an Atlanta psychologist specializing in couples therapy. “Remember, you are on the same team.”

Woodsfellow acknowledges one spouse may feel bitter about another spouse’s financial decision. But to harp on it, he says, is not helpful.

“You don’t want to say things like, ‘If only we didn’t go with the adjustable rate’ or ‘If only you didn’t put all that money in stocks,’” Woodsfellow says. “What you need to do is focus on what you can do now.”

And while it’s understandable to be upset and feel the need to vent, Woodsfellow warns couples to keep tabs on their temper. If the conversation gets overheated, call for a 30-minute time out.

It’s not always easy.

At the Berean Christian Church, a 5,000-member congregation in Stone Mountain, about 25 couples have split up in recent months, due, at least in part, to economic stress, estimates Joyce Morley-Ball, an Atlanta therapist who counsels couples at the church.

Morley-Ball says it’s important for couples resist the urge to pull away during a crisis situation and to openly talk about their thoughts and fears. And during rough spells, she suggests couples check-in with each other more often — as many as three times a day during the workday.

“You want to be supportive,” Morley-Ball says. “And you want to say, ‘We are in this together.’”

On a recent afternoon, Morley-Ball counseled Gloria and Thomas Sanders of Loganville. Thomas Sanders was recently laid off from his job in collections for a realty company. At the same time, Gloria was on medical leave from her job at the U.S. Postal Service.

Home life was tense for the couple married six years.

“I feel so much better,” Gloria Sanders was saying after a recent session. She reports Morley-Ball provided good tips such as “thinking about what you say before you say it, and about actively listening to each other.”

Gloria Sanders recently returned to work, and while the couple’s economic outlook is still unclear, she feels better about being able to weather the economic hardships.

Subhed here

Alesia Layne can’t help but fret about the economic meltdown, but she’s determined not to let it become a negative force in her marriage.

Twice divorced, Layne says she knows all to well about how money troubles can corrode the bond of marriage.

“If I freak out and I go down, I am taking everyone with me,” says Layne, who lives in Atlanta. “If you are creative and stay centered, you can create a safe plan for your relationship.”

Layne doesn’t dismiss the challenges — donations have dried up for her small non-profit, Project Karma, which offers support for low-income families that lose a loved one.

As a grief counselor, Layne looks to her own training. She says what she’s trying to do, in essence, is create a “new normal.”

Layne and her husband, Dion, who works in the airline industry, often sit down with notebooks in hand to discuss ways they can cut costs.

For now, they carpool and limit eating out to just once a month. Instead of going out to the movies, they rent movies — for free, from the public library.

And when her daughter Kahlo recently turned 4, the family attended the Georgia Power Parade of Excellence, featuring marching bands to provide free fanfare.

“We made a big deal of the parade, and there was that same kind of energy and it didn’t cost me anything,” Alesia Layne says. “I spent $22 on a birthday cake.”

For her part, Layne says she’s changed the way she responds to stress.

“Retail therapy used to be a big one for me,” she says. “But I know now, if I don’t go … I’ll be just alright.”

She also tries to be more supportive of her husband’s job, which she realizes is not just a paycheck.

“If anything, this is bringing us closer.”

‘Hoping for the best’

Meanwhile, Patricia McCants and Diandre Richardson, who still lives in Maryland, continue to plan for an October 2009 wedding. They are debating whether to stick to cocktails or have a full, sit-down dinner.

She is leaning toward arrangements of gerbera daisies. She flips through magazines looking at wedding dresses. But it all seems like minor details in the grand scheme of things.

While she would love to begin her union with a Caribbean honeymoon, more than anything, she looks forward to being together.

And for her soon-to-be husband to happily employed as a firefighter here, too?

That would be icing on the cake.

“We have a lot more to think about than just planning a wedding,” McCants says. “We are trying to do everything we can and are hoping for the best.”

STRONG MARRIAGES IN A WEAK ECONOMY

Tips for keeping your marriage solid during an economic meltdown …

• Remember you are on the same team: You are in this together. In all crisis situations, it’s natural to react with a “fight or flight,” approach but it’s wrong to direct that toward each other.

• Watch your temper: Don’t make matters worse by using inflammatory language. If you feel your blood boiling or notice your partner is getting overheated, call for a time out. Separate for 30 minutes.

• Put together a plan: Write down a plan, focusing on what you can to improve your family’s finances. Discuss ways to cut costs, save money, and, if applicable, search for a new job.

• Take care yourself: Eat a healthy diet, get extra rest. Take a yoga class or go for a walk. The better you feel, the more energy you’ll have to use on your marriage.

• Play together: Make a list of fun things you can do together that don’t cost a lot of money. Rent a movie, play a board game or have a pot-luck dinner get-together with friends. Take a walk, play with your kids.

• Focus on the present: Try not to obsess about mistakes in the past or possible disasters in the future.

• Think positively: Count your blessings. When feeling blue, try to think of at least one thing to be thankful for such as your family and friends and the beauty around you.

Source: Atlanta therapists David Woodsfellow and Joyce Morley-Ball, and Birmingham-based marriage counselor Nancy Wasson, co-author of “Keep Your Marriage”