Posted: 11:22 a.m. Tuesday, May 21, 2013
By Andrew Tobolowsky
Mr. Seriousface challenged the MMB staff to come up with the worst possible representatives for the Mavericks at the NBA draft and once I started, I couldn't stop. So, here's my top ten:
10. H. Ross Perot, Jr. and Don Nelson: "Hi, Mark asked everybody who has pending litigation against him to come announce the pick today..."
9. RC Buford: "Thanks for inviting me. 'Round the Spurs compound we used to joke that late June was the only time of year we WEREN'T worried about what the Mavericks were doing, haha. I mean, that was a tough team to get past! Imagine if they'd ever drafted anybody after Dirk. Actually, these four rings make it hard for me to open envelopes, so I'm going to hand this over to Kawhi Leonard, Tiago Splitter, DeJuan Blair, Cory Joseph, Goran Dragic, even though we traded his rights, George Hill...."
6. A smiling Rodrigue Beaubois from 2010, presenting with a weeping Rodrigue Beaubois from 2013 (ht Marktobo)
5. Bennett Salvatore: "Ahahahahahah. AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA. I PEED ON YOUR FRANCHISE. I WILL DO IT AGAIN. I WILL PEE ON THIS DRAFT PICK RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ALL OF YOU, THEN GIVE DWYANE WADE FREE THROWS. I'M BENNETT SALVATORE, I SLEEP SOUNDLY EVERY NIGHT."
4. Avery Johnson: "Ohhhh, we're going to draft whoever the Golden State Warriors draft"
3. Shan Foster, who crumples up the pick and tries to shoot it long range to Maurice Ager, missing wildly, then Ager picks it up and shoots it towards Nick Fazekas, bouncing it off an audience member's face, after which Jared Cunningham fails to lay it up back on stage in the direction of three guys, who turn out to be Nick Calathes, Renaldas Seibutis and Mladen Secularic, while Jordan Hamilton and Corey Brewer look on, amused.
2. Dom Jones, just like, screaming and flexing.
1. Josh Howard: "I'm about to open this envelope, but before I do, I just wanted to remind all of you that I, Josh Howard, am the best draft pick the Mavericks have made in a decade by a factor of like 50. I mean, by a LOT, so....you know, what could go wrong"