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Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Discoursing with the Stars
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One contestant hauled out his 91-year-old mama to plead for votes for her little boy. Another one leaned his 6-foot-7 frame towards the camera and challenged a critical judge to “see him after the show.” And one of the professional dancers hid in the ladies room sobbing during a rehearsal with her clumsy partner.
With melodrama like that, who cares who danced well on “Dancing with the Stars?”
(Sigh. The Serf knows America has come to expect her expert analysis on all matters twinkle-toed, so here it is in a nutshell: Joey Fatone and Apollo Anton Ohno, very very good. Billy Ray Cyrus — aka, “He Who Made Her Cry” surprisingly energetic and improved. Heather Mills and Laila Ali only so-so, for them; John “Mama’s Boy” Ratzenberger pretty bad, and Clyde Drexler … well, let’s just say he was Clyde Drexler and leave it at that. Except for the way he called out creaky, cranky British judge Len Goodman for accusing him of “not even trying.”)
Not trying? Puh-leeze! Some of these folks may move like frightened kitty-kats on the dancer floor, but there’s no pussyfooting around verbally on “Dancing With the Stars.” At this point I don’t give a stinkin’ cha cha if Clyde can paso doble properly. Just keep him around so he’ll say things like this about the judges’ comments: “Rome wasn’t built overnight.”
No it wasn’t. And not in a day either. But Monday’s “Dancing” erected some awesome entertainment out of the participants’ mumblings. Here are my nominees for the five (OK, six) best lines uttered:
“Imagine the dance is like a juicy steak. You gave us a diet version.” — Judge Bruno Tonioli about Leeza Gibbons’ rather listless paso doble.
“Have you ever actually had diet steak?” — Host Tom Bergeron to Tonioli
“Deep inside I’m thinking, ‘What’s the big deal? I didn’t fall down.” — Drexler about the judges
“I know if I was like one of the greatest dancers in the world and all of a sudden I got Billy Ray Cyrus as a partner, I’d be disappointed too.” — Cyrus, while his partner Karina Smirnoff sniffled in the loo
“No gimmicks, no capes, no light saber. This week you danced to the Zorro theme and there was no Gay Blade.” — Co-host Samantha Harris to Fatone, who last week tangoed in a “Star Wars” getup
“You started like Mr. McDreamy. But you went to Mr. McStiffy. — Tonioli on Ian Ziering’s waltz. “What? What did I say?” Tonioli as the audience and his fellow judges began snickering
