When guys kneel to propose, it signals their commitment to the vague notion of "being" married.

What guys do and don't do en route to the altar just shows they don't have the vaguest notion of what "getting" married entails.

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As a recently wedded man, I can tell you why guys are of little help during the weeks leading up to the big day.

First of all, if we're truly set on settling down, we've simply looked way past the planning and ceremony and started serious contemplation of life together as senior citizens.

Secondly, we're not mind-readers. We figured you'd say yes, but beyond that we have no clue of what's on your mind as the wedding day draws nearer.

Lastly . . . lighten up!

The process of getting married gives grooms more jitters than the thought of being married.

So if you're a groom needing a crash course on prenuptial conduct (or a bride-to-be who's growing frustrated with your mate), read on.

WIN-WIN SCENARIO

Once the news of your engagement gets out, dive headlong into the gift-registry process with your fiancée. There's no better team-building experience than wandering around stores full of goods you can't afford and thinking: "If we go through with this, we get this and this and this." Power drills and pepper mills help squelch the fear factor.

MEASURE UP

You know when size really matters? It's when the big day is fast approaching and you and your no-good groomsmen still haven't gotten measured for your tuxedos, "and that was the only thing you were supposed to take care of." If you want to grease the tracks leading to wedded bliss, hound your groomsmen early and often about getting fitted and paying their deposits. And realize, of course, that your friends would sooner mail $250 in cash to a stranger — your best man — to buy into the cockamamie scheme he's cooked up for the bachelor party.

DO THE MATH

The invitation equation gets tricky — and costly. To help solve it, the groom's got to weigh in early on who from "his side" should be invited. Do your fiancée the favor of simply getting the names and addresses of your people together, and she'll be more likely to spare you the excruciating final decisions on the stationery, the calligraphy and all the other stuff you can't comprehend the importance of anyway. Just realize: There's no fiscal downside to quickly and accurately calculating which people of yours are most likely to attend and bring a good gift. The price of postage alone — for invitations, reply cards and thank you notes — can get more out of hand than your wildest pay-per-view spree.

SPEAK YOUR PEACE

The wedding-preparation process is your chance to hone crucial diplomatic skills. Your fiancée is going to ask what you think of the catering choices, the flower arrangements, the china patterns and the seating chart. Pretend to answer as thoughtfully as she pretends to pose the questions. Ultimately, your vote may not count for much. But voicing your opinions — idiotic as they may be — scores points for participation.

COUNT TO 10

If the prospect of extended jail time hadn't restrained me, I might have given in to some of my felonious daydreams involving certain vendors. Not every formalwear chain can easily outfit groomsmen based in Indiana, Ohio, Texas, Tennessee or Georgia, as promised. And wedding photographers aren't nearly as quick to return your calls after the ceremony as they are leading up to it. If you have trouble keeping your anger in check, take full delivery of all goods and services before paying in full.

RELAX AND ENJOY

I heard Sinatra's version of "Get Me to the Church on Time" humming throughout my engagement. Lucky me. I never could have guessed how exquisite the whole occasion would turn out. Then again, it's that "The Best Is Yet to Come" optimism that got me down on my knees to propose in the first place. My share of the prenuptial pressure may have been handled clumsily. But my better half picked up the slack and made it one fine day.