ajc.com 2008 Holiday Guide

Hooooboy, did you put your foot in it when the family gathered for Thanksgiving.

You asked your plump cousin if she was pregnant. She wasn't.

You asked your nephew if he was ever going to settle down with a nice girl. He's settled with a nice boy.

Then you topped it off by complaining that the stuffing, which you did not cook, was a tad dry. In fact, you did a lot of complaining, prying and opining.

And you wonder why everybody seemed so snippy with you.

Keep reading, because we have a few suggestions on how not to repeat that performance at holiday gatherings from now until the New Year. We checked in with Debra Fine, author of "The Fine Art of Small Talk," for a few tips on how to make it through a family gathering without embarrassing yourself — or anyone else — with misplaced questions. Keep these in mind:

• Just because somebody is a family member doesn't mean you have the right to ask them anything. Maybe your cousin hasn't had kids not because she and her husband don't want them, but because they have fertility issues. She shouldn't have to discuss that over hot cider with the extended family, or in the kitchen pantry when it's just the two of you. Remember, everybody deserves some measure of privacy.

• Don't ask questions you don't know the answer to. If you don't know why your nephew left that prestigious downtown law firm, don't drill him. Maybe he got canned. Or perhaps he tired of working 75 hours a week and having zero life balance, so he quit. If he doesn't bring up work, you shouldn't either. That is, unless you've got another job at a prestigious downtown law firm to offer him with better hours and ample vacation time, but then that's an oxymoron, isn't it?

• Save the probe for the ham. Asking a relative probing questions, especially in a house full of family, is just rude — even if the relative is your own grown child. Do you really want to spark an argument that everyone else is privy to?

• Yeah, you and Alice Waters. You may be quite pleased with yourself for eating only organic, locally grown food. But if your hosts buy bulk from Sam's Club, shut up and eat their food. It's just one meal, and it was likely prepared, if not with top ingredients, with a whole of love and good will.

• Duck, deflect, demur. If you're on the receiving end of an inappropriate or invasive question, try simply saying that while you're enjoying the get-together, you just don't want to talk about it right now.

• Think twice. And if you're not sure you should ask or say something personal, don't.

"This isn't rocket science," Fine said.