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Alternate timelines: Our favorite shows get ‘Lost’
My TV column today played off the idea of “Lost’s” alternate timelines. I and my newsroom colleagues came up with too many to fit in print, so here are the remainder. You can read the original story by clicking here.
“Project Runway”
In the alternate timeline, “Project: Runway” is called “Project: Run, Away,” which combines designing clothing with the action-packed drama of “The Running Man.”
Each week, designers attempt to design outfits that allow them to travel a course around New York the fastest. The twist is that each week, they have to design for another designer, so each designer wants to make something that could potentially slow someone else down, knowing that, in turn, someone is also designing something to slow them down. Their only ally is host Tim “Gun” Gunn, who provides them with design advice and small arms. They are pursued each week by a panel of judges trying to kill them: Michael Kors travels by private car service; his car has a turret shaped like his head from which he lobs Molotov cocktails which he calls “constructive criticism.”
Nina Garcia gives contestants misinformation through the Marie Claire website; contestants never know if she is on their side or not. Heidi Klum tries to kill the designers via helicopter; “The Ride of the Valkyries” plays whenever she is on the screen. Contestants are “safe” for the week if they complete the circuit around the city in one hour without being killed - last designer standing wins. This becomes the most popular show of all time.
— Joe Gross
“The Tonight Show”
In the alternate timeline for this show, frequent “Tonight Show” guest host Jay Leno hid in a closet to eavesdrop on a meeting of NBC bigwigs who were planning to install David Letterman, instead of him, to replace the retiring Johnny Carson. Unfortunately for Leno, failed Fox late night host Chevy Chase was already hiding inside. The pair was discovered when Leno, in the dark, stepped on Chase’s foot, leading him to execute a pratfall and yell, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” Letterman got the “Tonight Show” and Leno started a competing show at CBS. Dave routinely trounced Jay in the ratings until a Hollywood prostitute appeared on Leno’s CBS show in 1995 to beg public forgiveness for her indiscretions with actor Hugh Grant.
Letterman’s “Tonight Show” never recovered in the ratings and a second round of late night wars broke out in 2009 when NBC convinced the still-living Carson to come out of retirement and reclaim the “Tonight Show” desk. Denizens of the Internet quickly pledged their allegiance to either Team Dave or Team Johnny. The disenfranchised Letterman is currently mulling a revolutionary move to a 9 p.m. weekday prime time slot; Conan O’Brien still hosts “Late Night,” Craig Ferguson follows Jay on CBS; and Jimmy Fallon flips burgers at a Carl’s Jr. in Joplin, Missouri, where he regularly cracks himself up.
— Dale Roe
“Damages”
Patty Hewes has decided to forsake her high-powered work as a plaintiffs attorney and goes to work as counsel for a small environmental non-profit in upstate New York. When her two employees call in sick on April Fool’s Day, she is left to manage the office on her own. She realizes she must make her own coffee, but she is helpless in her search for the filters. Cut to two months later: There is a coffee deliveryman exiting from his van on the street below her office window. Patty calls into the lobby to see if anyone can buzz him up. As she makes her way to her office door to see why nobody has responded, two grackles fly at her. Racing from them, she falls from the office window and wakes up to discover she is still in bed. But it’s now seven months earlier and she’s forgotten to ‘fall back’ an hour, so she is late for work. She calls a car service to pick her up and take her to work, but when nobody answers, Uncle Pete’s voice comes on the voicemail. She slams the receiver down as a knock comes at her door. She opens it to find only a newspaper with a picture of Ellen Parsons staring back at her. The caption reads, “Ellen Parsons and Tom Shayes know what you did.” Suddenly, Rip Torn appears and dumps a bucket of confetti on her head. Patty begins to cry. But coffee has replaced her tears.
— Matthew Odam
“30 Rock”
In the alternate timeline for “30 Rock,” Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), never having found success as the head writer for “TGS,” is stuck doing scripts for B-movies. She’s hired by mega-star rapper/actor Tracy Jordan to write a film adaptation of Jordan’s hit song “Werewolf Bah Mitzvah,” where she meets Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski), who is cast as the werewolf’s love interest. Frustrated by Jordan’s insistence of staying in werewolf character throughout the production, Lemon quits to develop her own comedy show. She invites Maroney to join her, and the two approach microwave mogul Jack Donaghy, who Maroney knows through her work on microwave infomercials, to fund the project. The pilot is picked up by NBC, but Donaghy insists that the show can only continue if Jordan, who has signed with Donaghy as a microwave spokesman, joins the cast and the name is changed from “The Girlie Show” to “Werewolf Bah Mitzvah Hour.” Lemon refuses to cooperate and quits, and Donaghy instead hires trucker-hat wearing Frank (Judah Friedlander) as head writer. Lemon signs a contract to air the show on an internet television station run by Kenneth Parcell, who has found a wide-reaching audience with his online show “Gold Case.” The show becomes a runaway hit. Lemon meets world-famous archer Pete Hornberger at the Emmy Awards; the two marry, move to Cleveland and have three children.
— Peter Mongillo
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