By Leslie

July 11, 2007 9:13 AM | Link to this

Been thinking about this. My ex-husband and I smoked pot daily from 9/69 to 3/80 and did other drugs in between. I stopped using drugs when I divorced my husband. He smoked pot until he died in 2004. My daughter was ages 1 thru 11 during our “drugging” time. We did not hide anything from her — I hate hypocrisy and decided to be very open & honest with her.

 An early consequence was that she was afraid of the police (of course, 2 drug busts in the 70's had a strong influence on that).  When I recognized her fear (around age 11), I explained that there are times you need the police; and not to be fearful of them.  

A major result of our drug use is that my daughter is very straight arrow.  I often tell parents that if you want your kid to be 'straight', then you do the drugs!

I know it's not that simple.  There are family / personal / societal pressures that bring each of us to certain decisions.  I smoked pot & did other drugs to be a "hippie" in the late 60s.  After that, drugs fulfilled a psychosocial purpose for me.

I got clean & sober in 1986.  I don't regret the past; I do appreciate having learned to live without mind-altering substances.  My daughter & I talk about what it was like for her growing up.  She also remembers a lot of fun times; but she has never chosen to follow my path.  Knowing the multi-generational aspects of addiction though, there is still a possibility that my grandchildren will at least flirt with alcohol and or drugs.  It's the nature of addiction.

By WPBKEN

June 29, 2007 12:14 PM | Link to this

YOU ARE DOING A FINE JOB AND ARE GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. i ALSO TOUGHT MY 2 GIRLS THAT IF THEY WERE HONEST THEY WOULD ONLY GET CHASTISED, BUT IF THEY LIED THEY WOULD PROBABLY GET THE WORST TONGUE LASHING OF THIER LIVES. THEY WOULD TELL ME THINGS THAT I REALLY DIDN’T WONT TO HEAR BUT I LISTEND. THEY ARE NOW BUT WELL INTO THEIR 20’S AND HAVE GIVEN ME 4 HANDSOME GRANDSONS AND I AM HAPPY TO SAY THEY ARE DRUGFREE.

By goodhumord

June 29, 2007 6:57 AM | Link to this

As a teen of the 70’s I smoked pot and drank. I didn’t do any hard drugs. My kids are now 19 and 20. I consider them exceptional but as teens they still had the same tendencies teens have. Teens think they are invincible. They are convinced they are smarter than their parents and nothing can happen to them. So it’s my feeling if I were honest with them (regarding pot smoking) when they were younger, they would assume that since everything turned out all right for me, then it’s no big deal for them either. I believe that now that they are older, I wouldn’t hesitate to share the truth. By now their lives direction and morals are more defined and they could better process the information.

By Chelsia

June 28, 2007 5:24 PM | Link to this

John, don’t be so quick to condemn Zack. He has a point there (as pessimistic as it sound). Remember these girls have a mind of their own. Their father’s honesty might deter them (and we hope it does)but there are those who will think, “if he did it and stop, we will take our chance. Unfortunately they might not live to tell the story to their kids. David, good job - honesty in the parent/child relationship is the best.

By Single Mom

June 28, 2007 3:49 PM | Link to this

I too grew up in “that” generation. I was far from a wilting violet on the vine. My soon to be 18 year old daughter, thank G-d, is drug free. I attribute her success to our open and honest conversations. Communication is a key of all healthy relationships. My ex husband was a cocaine addict in a former life and has been drug free since 1985. My daughter knows all about her father’s recovery and the intense, tough love therapy we participated in. She also knows all about her mother’s exploits growing up. I applaud Mr. Einhorn’s article and wish that more parents would converse “with”, and not speak “to” their teenagers. Yes, teenagers will do as they wish, just as we did what we wanted to, regardless of ….. (Feel free to fill in the blanks.) Atleast they will have someone to talk to when confronted by certain situations if we set the stage. And what makes matters worse is that there is much, much more going on and to be fearful of today than while I was growing up. Hold on tight. The ride has just begun.

By David Einhorn (the author)

June 28, 2007 3:08 PM | Link to this

I am deeply gratified to read these comments and watch the discussion unfold, because having the discussion was the objective of the article in the first place. Any number of observations here from Post readers are far more astute than antything I wrote. Even Zak, who wrote that “they are going to do whatever they want” no matter what we say as parents, probably is correct more than I’d like to admit. (My counter-arguement: even if you’re right, it doesn’t mean we should stop trying!) As for the e-mail from Ingrid Pastorius, I can only assume you are somehow related to Jaco. I only wish I could have written about several other encounters I had with him—he was so kind to me, and he knew perfectly well that if he had even said “boo” I would have jumped to the cieling, I was so nervous being and playing around him. He was a nice man, and of course, a musical giant.

By Frank U

June 28, 2007 2:30 PM | Link to this

Lead by example. Being anything but honest with your children is hypocritical, especially when we expect the same from them. Trust is earned. How can we expect our children to respect us and be truthful, especially when faced with a difficult situation, if we aren’t. Of course, our truthful responses to their inquiries should be tempered with wisdom. If anything, our children will see us as fallible and human, which is after all, what we are. We all make decisions, many of them bad, so we should own them and help others learn from them. So, do your best, trust yourself, and so will your children.

By /b/

June 28, 2007 1:45 PM | Link to this

I may be young, and to this day have no desire to make offspring, but if my kid ever asked me about my past exploits I would be blunt with them. If they are mature enough to understand the dangers, then why not share some first hand knowledge with them. It’s only when you candy-coat the truth do they start seeking the same path.

By Gerri

June 28, 2007 12:41 PM | Link to this

I think you have to be honest but with limits. Fortunately for me I didn’t use drugs so I could say that to my teenage son and daughter. However, I did have to answer the sex question when asked by my teenage daughter. I told her no I didn’t wait until marriage (she knew her dad and I met in college and later married so what’s the harm I thought) but what I couldn’t bring myself to say was that I had had sex long before I met her dad in college. So I was honest but didn’t give all the facts.

By Jane

June 28, 2007 11:36 AM | Link to this

I am using the exact same approach with my children and it has been very successful. I now have a 21 and a 17 year old who are drug free. I won’t lie to them, I expect honesty why wouldn’t they?

By LivingProof

June 28, 2007 11:00 AM | Link to this

I am a mother with 2 kids of my own now but was raised by a 60’s mom. She was painfully honest with all of us (5 kids)and each of us learned from her experiences. My husband and I are now sharing those experiences with our own children, some good and some not so good. We are hoping that our children are as appreciative for honesty as we were because saying “don’t do drugs” is not enough…

By Rob

June 28, 2007 10:59 AM | Link to this

The measure of a good parent is not the mistakes of the past, but how they use those mistakes to teach thier children to make better choices.

By 2lives1road

June 28, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

I have been asking my self that very same question, and yet my kids are toddlers. Will the truth hurt that bond we share? When the day my kids ask that very same question, i’ll be ready and so will they…Thank you for the inspiring story Mr. Einhorn

By Don

June 28, 2007 9:44 AM | Link to this

Thanks for the insight. My kids are still infants, but ill have to tell them a few stories one day too.

Great approach, good luck with your family.

By Coleman

June 28, 2007 9:34 AM | Link to this

That was a great article, Mr. Einhorn. You are a great father. Too many parents do not know how to discuss this topic. Just saying “don’t do drugs” is not enough. Being open with your kids and allowing them to feel comfortable about discussuing any topic with you is crucial. If you don’t speak up like Mr. Einhorn, you run the risk of your child emulating Paris, Britney and Lindsey. Scary thought, right?

By B

June 28, 2007 9:18 AM | Link to this

Thank you for taking the time to write this. The “dirty south”, being what it is, makes it tough for me to stay on the “right” path. Many friends come to mind who have tried to live off of others habits. I’ll admit that under five have survived the law and the land. The others and their prey…long gone. I am well under 30 and to live a clean life, well it is very humbling. I was fortunate enuff that I could learn from others mistakes or dodge the bullet but you know what…I would of rathered not dodged at all. Thanks for your words of wisdom. PEACE

By christine

June 28, 2007 9:17 AM | Link to this

i congratulate you for your honesty with your kids. i think too many times these days parents sugar coat everything and guard their kids from real life - and then wonder why their kids make such stupid mistakes and can’t cope in real life on their own. Kids need healthy doses of reality and to learn from our mistakes. Good luck to you and your family. This was a great article.

By Ingrid Pastorius

June 28, 2007 9:11 AM | Link to this

Dear David,

I commend you on your courage and perseverance. Your daughters are being raised by a mighty fine father. I wish you and your family all the best.

By john

June 28, 2007 8:57 AM | Link to this

david. i am sure a tough decision but you sacrificed for your kids by telling them your horrors to save them from a similiar path. even if they end up experimenting, they will always think of you and that will eventually save them… and zak, you are a negative and pessimistic $%@#.

By Zak

June 28, 2007 8:35 AM | Link to this

You can tell them about your experiences untill you are blue in the face.They are going to do whatever they want.

By Jen

June 28, 2007 4:11 AM | Link to this

Being a recovering addict myself, I’m glad to hear that it’s going to be ok for me to be honest with my children. I think if they can see the misery from the perspective of someone they love and trust, they will be less likely to experiment.