TV Talk

The Apprentice: The Donald Fires Carolyn!

Whenever Carolyn Kepcher heard Donald Trump uttering his now famous catchphrase, "You're fired," it was when one of The Apprentice's contestants was being sent packing.

Well, this time Kepcher herself was told to pack it up. But unfortunately there were no reality TV cameras to record the moment. A Trump Co. spokesman confirmed that the icy-cool Kepcher, The Donald's trusted employee who managed his two golf courses, was given the boot.

Word is The Trumpster was miffed at Carolyn's "excessive" self-promotion and believed her p.r. campaign cut into her day job duties. The Donald, after all, isn't going to allow anyone's star to shine brighter than his own. Boy I would have loved to have been a fly-on-the-wall for that conversation!

Carolyn's dismissal won't effect the next installment of The Apprentice, shot in Los Angeles and set to premiere in January, since she wasn't part of the cast.

I'm sorry to see Carolyn go. She was a star on The Apprentice. Her steely-eyed glares and on-point comments will be missed. It probably won't be long, however, before Carolyn is back on TV, starring in her own reality show.

I already have a title: Take That, Donald!

Celebrity Duets: It's Not American Idol

The other day I asked a friend of mine if she was gonna watch Celebrity Duets, Fox's latest cheesy attempt to re-make American Idol.

She wasn't that interested.

I was, though.

Any singing competition show that features such music industry heavyweights as Gladys Knight, Smokey Robinson, Patti LaBelle, James Ingram and Chaka Khan, I'm there. Besides, since the new fall season hasn't started yet, except on Fox, that is, there weren't a whole lot of TV viewing options last night.

Celebrity Duets was a breezy two hours that was at times both fun and, well, to quote Simon Cowell, "ghastly." It was a hoot watching a shockingly nervous Little Richard, who looked like he up and walked out of a Madame Tussauds' display case, make no sense whatsoever while critiquing the celebrities.

I mean, Richard makes Randy Jackson sound like Shakespeare. Just what does "You gotta get out the mustard and catch up" mean? Ditto for "Grab the bone." I howled, though, when Richard said Smokey's silky duet with the drop-dead gorgeous Lucy Lawless made "the big toe shoot up in my boot."

Note to Richard: Relax and be your usual wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom self.

It was also great hearing Alfonso Riberio and Jai Rodriguez display their considerable singing chops. Jai is clearly the one to beat. Not only can the Queer Eye guy blow, he also knows how to have fun with the audience while playing to the camera. Appearing on Broadway in the mega stage hit Rent will give you that kind of confidence.

Unfortunately I can't say the same for Carly Patterson. While the cutie-pie gymnast gave it the 'ol college try, she's clearly out of her league. So is Cheech Marin, who would probably come in first in a mumbling/singing contest. One too many puffs on those funny-looking cigarettes may have cost Cheech a singing career.

Oh, before I forget, someone please tell host Wayne Brady that three-piece suits went out of style with eight-track tape players and bell-bottoms.

You know who surprised me the most last night?

Marie Osmond.

I thought the doll hawker was going to be another dippy Paula Abdul. (Turns out Little Richard is playing that role). Instead, Marie's comments were spot-on. Nice to see she's not afraid to criticize someone when they're not singing well. She does, however, use the word "relate" too much and have a tendency to drool over eye candy pretty boys.

As for Chris Jericho getting the boot, the judges made the right call. Sure he's hunky and handsome and looks good in tight jeans, but, the WWE wrestler would have done better on CBS' Rock Star.

I like David Foster. No B.S. with him. Like Simon, dude knows what he's talking about. You could see David getting a little miffed at Richard for cutting into his airtime. I don't blame him.

So, who's gonna go next? My guess is Carly or Cheech.

What do you think?

My Top TV Picks!

TUESDAY
Rescue Me (10 p.m., FX): It's season finale time for one of summer's hottest series. Tommy promises to help Janet with the baby, but he doesn't tell her that he's preparing to start a new life with Sheila. Oh, that Tommy. What a cad!

WEDNESDAY
Bones (8 p.m., Fox): Are you digging Bones? Well, if you are, you're in luck. Fox's way cool drama returns for a second season. Gotta love that chemistry between Brennan and Booth. It's so Mulder-Scully-ish.

Justice (9 p.m., Fox): Talk about a slick new legal drama that moves like a bullet and hooks you from the opening minutes. Alias' Victor Garber stars as a bigshot defense attorney who defends O.J.-like clients.

Rebuilding New Orleans (9 p.m., Discovery Times): Hard to believe it's been one year since Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans. This two-part documentary follows the city's first Mardi Gras since Katrina.

THURSDAY
2006 MTV Video Music Awards: (8 p.m., MTV): Jack Black, who I don't think is terribly funny, hosts MTV's glitzy music gala. All I wanna know is this: when is Beyonce performing?

A Closer Walk (9 p.m., PBS): Glenn Close and Will Smith narrate this documentary that explores how the world responded to the AIDS epidemic.

Windfall (10 p.m., NBC): Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person watching the show. I probably am. So what? I like it. After tonight's season finale, it'll be gone forever.

FRIDAY
Foxworthy's Big Night (8:30 p.m., CMT): Jeff Foxworthy, TV's funniest redneck, fronts his own sketch show.

Dan Rather: A Reporter Remembers (9 p.m., CBS): The long-time CBS Evening News anchor sticks it to his old bosses. Well, not really. But that would be fun to watch, don't you think?

SATURDAY
The Jeffersons Marathon (6 a.m., TV Land): Watch George and Weezy movin' on up all over again.

SUNDAY
Survivor: Cook Islands Preview (8 p.m., TV Guide Channel): That whole race thing on the new Survivor sure has folks buzzing. That's the point. Somewhere Mark Burnett is salivating. Can't wait for the September premiere? Get a sneak peek.

Jerry Lewis Telethon (9 p.m. WPEC-Channel 12): It wouldn't be Labor Day Weekend without Lewis' annual telethon.

24 and The Office Win!

10:56 p.m.: Well, well, the night ends on two high notes as 24 and The Office close out the night. And, speaking of closing out the night, I'm about to close out the work portion of mine. It's been a blast, people!

Go Kiefer!

10:45 p.m.: Well, now the voters are starting to get it right! Kiefer rules!

I'm Back!

10:42 p.m.: OK, I'm back. Julia Louis-Dreyfus got some Emmy bling. My wine and bath are still calling me, though.

I'm Out!

10:33 p.m.: Mariska Hargitay over Kyra Segwick! I'm out again and have lost all faith in academy voters. My hot bath and bottle of white merlot are calling me!

I'm Back

10:20 p.m.: Nevermind. I'm back. But mad.

Not So Amazing

10:14 p.m.: The Amazing Race wins again?! I’m done, people. Going to bed. Good night!

Farrah's OK

10:08 p.m.: So, Farrah didn't say anything stupid. Guess she only does that on Letterman or Comedy Central Roasts. I like her better when she's acting loopy and saying something stupid.

Charlie's Angels Reunite!

10:04 p.m.: Charlie’s Angels reunite! Wonder if Farrah is gonna say something stupid. Jaclyn Smith remains the prettiest angel of them all!

Homicide Man Takes Home The Gold

9:40 p.m.: Didn’t like Thief, but loved Andre Braugher in it. Glad my Homicide man got the gold. Dang his speech was short!

Mariska Hargitay Rocks!

9:20 p.m.: Where did Mariska Hargitay’s baby fat go? She looks fantastic and straight-up glam! Motherhood certainly agrees with her.

Dick Clark Tribute

9:02 p.m.: So sad seeing Dick Clark barely able to talk after his stroke. But he’s still an old pro who knows how these award shows work. Clark kept his speech short. “I know the problem with time,� he said. Get better, Dick.

Best Acceptance Speech...So Far

8:52 p.m.: It’s still early, but so far My Name Is Earl creator Greg Garcia gets the award for the best acceptance speech of the night for mentioning the names of the people he didn’t want to thank, including his 8th grade social studies teacher, his former boss on the show Step By Step and, well, God.

Voters Get One Thing Right -- Piven Wins!

8:30 p.m.: I’m feeling better now. Jeremy Piven won. He should’ve won last year, but, hey, better late than never. Go hug it out backstage, Jeremy!

Why Blythe Danner???

8:27 p.m.: Blythe Danner? You gotta be kidding me!!! Danner over 24's Jean Smart and Grey Anatomy's Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson? Even Danner was like, "It's not supposed to work this way." She's right.

Jaime Pressly Wuz Robbed!

8:17 p.m.: OK, folks, the Emmys are getting off to a lousy start. Why? Well, Jaime Pressly was robbed for not winning Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for her hilarious work on My Name Is Earl. While girlfriend tried to hide her disappointment, her gritted teeth told the true story. And I'm happy for Alan Alda, but I really wanted to see 24's Gregory Itzin win.

Conan's Stance

8:07 p.m.: Why is Conan standing with his legs so far apart like Superman?

Annette & Warren

7:55 p.m.: Annette Bening looks like Hollywood royalty! Hubby Warren Beatty doesn’t look too shabby, either.

Survivor's Probst: A White Guy From Wichita

7:50 p.m.: As a self-described "white guy from Wichita," Survivor host Jeff Probst admits he knows squat about diversity. Oh, he'll learn a thing, or two, I'm sure on the upcoming season of Survivor in which the tribes are split up based on ethnicity.

The Seinfeld Curse Is Dead!

7:48 p.m.: Ryan brings up the Seinfeld curse to Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Nancy did the same thing. Julia looks like she wants to slug ‘em both.

Jeremy Piven's Funky Wardrobe Choice

7:36 p.m.: Why is Entourage's Jeremy Piven wearing an ascot? Wassup with that? Anyone know?

Where's Jack Bauer When You Need Him?

7:28 p.m.: Kiefer Sutherland is giving Nancy O’Dell a bunch of ho-hum sound bites about the honor of being nominated. Forget that! I want Kiefer barking all Jack Bauer-like, “Where’s my award?!�

Jaime Pressly's Big Goof

7:23 p.m.: Jaime Pressly doesn’t know what jewelry she’s wearing! The shame! The horror! Somewhere on Rodeo Drive her jeweler is going nuts.

The Winner Is...Debra Messing!

7:17 p.m.: Mystery solved! Debra Messing’s is Joan Rivers’ 1,000th red carpet interview! Dang! I missed it since I was too busy listening to Jon Voight on NBC professing his undying love (I’m being sarcastic, folks!) for his little girl, Angelina. So what did Messing win? A lousy sash.

Jon Voight Sends His Love To Angelina...Sort Of

7:09 p.m.: Talk about awkward: NBC’s Nancy O’Dell telling Jon Voight he must be happy about Angelina and “all of the good work she’s doing.� Short pause. “You bet, well, I, uh, eh, uh, send my love her way.� Ah, ya sure, Jon?

King of Queens Star Attacks Ryan!

6:51: The King of Queen's Leah Remini just called Ryan Seacrest “snotty!� And she meant it! I came in on the interview but Leah seemed a little ticked when Ryan asked her about her new baby and why she hasn’t shown off her bundle of joy. “Everybody needs to move on and think of other things,� Remini hissed. “She’s a lovely, beautiful baby, good night!� Ouch! Go, Leah! I hear ya, girl. You get paid to act, not put your kid on the cover of People.

Dumbest Question...So Far!

6:43: Dumbest question so far: “How hard is it to learn lines?� Joan Rivers asked Law & Order: Special Victims Unit's Christopher Meloni. C’mon, Joan, you can do better than that. We watch to see asking dumb and offensive questions! Get with the program, honey!

Isaiah Washington: Adult Movie Star?

6:33: Grey’s Anatomy's Isaiah Washington is such a dignified, well-spoken guy – even when he’s talking about his porn name being Ringo Main. And how did he come up with that? Well, Ringo is the name of his first pet and Main is the name of the street he lived on as a kid. Ringo Main, eh? Keep your day job, Isaiah.

Who Will Be Joan's 1,000th Interview?

6:23: The biggest mystery of the night isn’t if Kiefer Sutherland will edge out Denis Leary or Martin Sheen for Best Actor in a Drama, it’s who will be Joan Rivers’ 1,000th red carpet interview. If you’re looking to make some extra scratch, I’m takin’ bets, people.

Learning About Emmy Fashion

6:09: E!’s commentators are yakking about designing dresses for “the butt.� No, I don’t make up this stuff. Versace, I learn, really does that designing for the butt thing well. Wow…E!’s red carpet special is turning out to be both informative and educational!

Why Is Kimberly Caldwell Shouting?

5:50 p.m. Someone please tell Kimberly Caldwell to stop shouting. I’m not even gonna start on the platinum blonde, ‘do. Tip to Kimberly: Mirrors. Buy a few. Then look in 'em.

Seacrest Does The Robot!

5:43: Ryan Seacrest and Arrested Development 's Tony Hale are doing the robot. Rather badly, I might add. Just thought you wanted to know. Aren't you glad I'm here for you?

Lisa & Harry On The Red Carpet

5:32: I switch to E! A big black guy with dreads I don’t recognize is interviewing Lisa and Harry. He chats with Lisa first because, well, she’s the bigger star at the moment. But Harry is funnier. Mr. Rinna is asked by the big black guy with dreads I don’t recognize about his upcoming appearance on Dancing with the Stars. “What is the pressure like, what are you getting at home from this woman,� the big black guy with dreads I don’t recognize asks, referring to Lisa’s Dancing stint. Not missing a beat, Mr. Rinna cracks, “I’m getting’ plenty.� Mr. Rinna shoots, he scores!

It's Emmy Blogfest Time!

5:15 p.m: It’s time to start this Emmy blogfest thang, people. I turn on the TV Guide Channel. It’s early. Not much is happening. Lisa Rinna and hubby Harry Hamlin just arrived. Only no-name C-listers show up that early! What are Lisa and Harry thinking? Word is Lisa’s helium-filled lips checked in a few minutes before she did. Meanwhile, Kimberly Caldwell and some chick named Rosanna Tavarez are babbling about thongs. Not very funny. Forty-five minutes ‘til Joan and Melissa.

Join Me For An Emmy Blogfest!

TV's biggest night of the year is only two days away. Yes, I'm talking about the Emmys, boys and girls. As Palm Beach County's hardest working TV critic, I'm gonna be all over it. And "all over it" means you'll find me blogging minute-by-minute updates like a madman on Sunday, starting with the afternoon pre-Emmy shows and not finishing until the show's end credits roll, which will probably be Tuesday afternoon. So, pull up a chair, turn on your computer and join me for a few hours -- days? -- to celebrate the highs, the lows, the best, the worst, the boring, the bizarre that will be the 58th Annual Emmy Awards.

See ya soon.

My Top Five TV Picks Of The Week!

1. Breaking Up with Shannen Doherty (today, 10 p.m., Oxygen): If anyone knows how to dump someone, it's bad girl Doherty, who has gone through more boyfriends than toll booths. In her new reality series, Shannen shows couples and friends how to end toxic relationships without, like, killing each other.

2. CNN Presents: In The Footsteps of Bin Laden (Wednesday, 9 p.m., CNN): C'mon, are we really that hot on Osama's trail? Isn't that title a bit misleading? I mean, the terror mastermind remains on the loose, in a cave somewhere and starring in more videos than 50 Cent.

3. The Hill (Wednesday, 9 p.m., Sundance Channel): Florida Congressman Robert Wexler is at it again. While he's not joking about loving cocaine and prostitutes like he did on The Colbert Report, he is allowing his young staffers to grab some TV glory in this six-episode documentary about the inner workings of congressional politics. Think The West Wing meets The Office meets The Real (Political) World.

4. The Cheetah Girls 2 (Friday, 8 p.m., Disney Channel): My 12-year-old daughter loved the first one. She said this one is even better. I'd take her word for it if I were you.

5. The 58th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards (Sunday, 8 p.m., NBC): Who's gonna win? Heck if I know. It's always a crapshoot. Let's just say I'll be ticked if Entourage's Jeremy Piven, My Name is Earl's Jaime Pressly and 24's Kiefer Sutherland don't go home with some Emmy bling.

'Dancing with the Stars': New Lineup

So, on Monday ABC announced the contestants for the third installment of Dancing with the Stars, which premieres Sept. 12.

After scanning the list, two names jumped out at me right quick: Tucker Carlson and Jerry Springer.

I suspect that Carlson, MSNBC's bow-tied conservative news anchor, has a good shot at being this year's version of Master P.U. Not in a controversial, I-don't-give-a-damn-'cause-I'm-doing-this-for-the-'hood-kind-of-way. I just think Carlson is going to have two left feet like P.U. He'll probably make Frankenstein look like Fred Astaire.

As for Springer, well, I hope ABC beefed up security. Wild fights always seem to break out around the guy, ya know. Someone had better nail down the studio chairs.

My guess is the leggy Vivica A. Fox will do well. She could be this year's Stacy Kiebler. And hopefully Harry Hamlin picked up some dance pointers from his wife, Lisa Rinna, who was such a standout last season after starting out slowly.

Looks like ABC felt like it needed another bald, black, former NFL star. Which is why Emmitt Smith made the cut. Talk about typecasting.

Sadly, co-host Samantha Harris also made the cut. She's one of the worst reality TV co-hosts ever. She talks too fast, enunciates too much and acts as if she's covering the war in Lebanon instead of a dance competition.

That said, I still can't wait until Sept. 12.

My Top Five TV Picks Of The Week

1. The Closer (today, 9 p.m., TNT); No other summer series -- except Entourage, that is -- has been as entertaining. Kyra Sedgwick's Southern fried accent is downright delicious. Tonight, Brenda's past relationship with Will could go public. Oh, the shame! The horror!

2. Weeds (today, 10 p.m., Showtime): Boy, some wild and wacky stuff is going down in the 'burbs these days. Like what? Like Mary-Louise Parker sellin' the chronic, that's what. Weeds returns for a second season. Fans sure hope the show doesn't go up in smoke. Ouch. Bad pun. Sorry.

3. Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel (Tuesday, 10 p.m., HBO): The 60 Minutes of sports sits down for a chat with Dick Ebersol, NBC's big-time sports guy who brought the NFL back to the network and who kept John Madden and Al Michaels employed.

4. So You Think You Can Dance (Wednesday, 8 p.m. Fox): Those hot-to-trot finalists do their thang one more time to see who gets to shake their money makers (that's fancy cool talk for booty) in Celine Dion's Vegas extravaganza. OK, perhaps extravaganza is stretching it a bit. It's just a show.

5. The Fantasia Barrino Story: Life Is Not A Fairy Tale (Saturday, 9 p.m., Lifetime): I'm sure glad Fantasia can sing 'cause she can't act. And you know you can't act when you have a hard time playing, well, yourself. Still, Fantasia's rags-to-American Idol winner-riches tale is an inspirational one.

Coming Your Way Starting Monday: My Weekly TV Picks!

I've just been informed by my Friendly Neighborhood Editor that starting on Monday and every Monday after that, I'll be blogging about my top five TV picks of the week. So, forget TV Guide or Entertainment Weekly. If you wanna read some fun -- and snarky -- TV picks with some 'tude, check out my blog on Mondays.

HBO Doesn't Kick 'Curb' To The Curb

Last month at the TV Tour, Chris Albrecht, the big man in charge of HBO, was asked what was going on with Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David's insanely funny comedy.

"We're working hard with Larry and hopefully there will be a season of Curb in '07," he said. "The reason we don't know about Curb is Larry was very unsure after the last season. He felt like last season could have been the final season."

Thankfully, it won't be.

I'm happy, no, downright giddy is more like it, to report there will be a sixth season of Curb. HBO said on Wednesday that filming will begin in October and that 10 episodes are scheduled to air. No airdate has been set yet.

While last season was a tad uneven, Curb remains funnier than most of TV's so-called comedies. I could watch the lovably gruff David arguing with everyone from big name celebrities (Ted Danson, Ben Stiller, David Schwimmer) to no-name department store clerks for several more seasons.

Thanks, Larry, for not telling HBO to kick Curb to the curb.

VH1's Flavor of...Ugh!

Yesterday I was in my car listening to The Tom Joyner Morning Show on the radio like I do every morning as I make my merry way to work.

Tom & Co. were talking about Flavor of Love 2, VH1's ghetto-fabulous version of The Bachelor in which 20 hoochie mamas scratch and claw and screech and jiggle and debase themselves while vying for Flav's undivided attention.

I heard all about Flavor of Love's first installment. I heard it was a hoot. And that Flav, a hip-hop icon and one of the founding fathers of the rap group Public Enemy, was a scream.

I wanted to see for myself. Especially since I was a huge Public Enemy fan back in the day. Flav was always a colorful character, a living, breathing cartoon, if you will. He still is, whether he's whispering sweet nothings to Brigitte Nielsen in a hot tub on The Surreal Life 3 or flashing his trademark (and God-awful ugly) bling-bling grille for the world to see in Fight the Power -- one of the best rap anthems ever.

So, I taped Flavor of Love 2 last night and watched it this morning while scarfing down some French toast and bacon for breakfast.

What'd I think?

Well, let's just say I had to work really hard to keep that French toast and bacon in my stomach.

For starters, Flav isn't an easy guy to look at for long stretches. He's no Denzel Washington. Let's be honest, people. Flav has a mug made for radio and really short rap videos. Then, there's something really sad -- and disturbing -- about watching a grown-up, 47-year-old black man prancing around in pimp daddy suits while smiling and grinning like he's some new-age Stephin Fetchit.

Do you need a date that bad, Flav?

Probably not. But I'm sure he does need the money considering only a few years ago Flav was scalping tickets outside of Yankee Stadium to feed his long-standing drug habit.

But the goldiggin' women (and I used that term loosely) on Flavor of Love 2 are worse. One performed a bodily function that's normally done in the privacy of a restroom. Another got drunk out of her mind. A third started an embarrassing catfight over sleeping arrangements.

Why on earth, I couldn't stop thinking, are these women (again, using loosely here) going through such lengths and acting "straight hooker-ish" as Sybil cracked on Joyner's show, to date the likes of Flav? He's not hunky or handsome. He's actually scrawny and buffoonish. He looks like he could be carrying a disease no one knows how to spell.

Some people, I'm afraid, don't care what price they have to pay for their 15 minutes of fame. Even when they know those 15 minutes will only last more like 15 seconds.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at Flav for doing what he feels he needs to do to earn a living. His loopy personality, oversized clock necklace on a rope and super duper fly threads were made for the anything goes reality genre. At least what he's doing now is legal -- although some might say it shouldn't be.

But Flav's offensive VH1 show won't be my flavor of the month. Or the decade. Or the whatever.