Leslie Gray Streeter

"American Idol": Bring on the No-Doze!

Why are these ladies boring the Bisquik out of me this
year? They're pretty talented, but their song
selection and general pageant-y snooziness is making
me long for some sort of kick-in-the pants, or a theme
week where Mariah Carey and Faith Hill are banned like
smoking in a bar.

Melissa is so forgettable that everytime they show
her, my Twin Sister Lynne and I both say "Who is
that?" Heather Cox and her "Hero" wasn't much better.
Brenna Gethers is still on my nerves, while Kellie
Pickler was almost sexy in an Ellie Mae goes to Rave
sorta way.

But Mandisa and Katharine still hold high the banner
of the talented who don't appear to have been doing
NyQuil shots right before the show.

More on INXS and Lovehammers

Oh, there's so, so much I didn't get to include in my print review of last night's Boca Raton INXS/Lovehammers musical experience/love-in/excuse to scream like a silly little girl. But I'd like to share
my favorite part of it with you, because we're friends, you and me, and I feel so close to you right now. So, Readers...can I call you Readers?...sit back, enjoy a beverage-type situation, and feast your little eyes on this.

Your Mom would love Marty Casey...:...because he is the cutest, sweetest, most down-to-earth soon-to-be big-time rock star ever. First, he and the rest of the Lovehammers did Chicago proud, with Marty doing his sexy-sexy snaky trance dance around the stage, slithering up and down like he was on some kind of tantric spring.

And then he hugged me.

Oh, sorry, Perhaps I should explain. After the Lovehammers' set, Concert Buddy Kristi and I got to go
backstage and meet the band before INXS sonically blew off the little bit of the stage left after Marty and them were through with it. As we watched the very chill Mr. Casey shake hands and walk around the room, Kristi recognized the woman who was sitting next to her, who she'd noticed was singing all the words to the Lovehammers songs.

"I'm Marty's sister!" said the lady, whose name is Liz, and who chatted with us like we'd known her forever. She's just folk, that Liz, and she promised us that her brother is just like that, too.

"He's our baby," she explained, the youngest of six kids, whose older siblings, Liz said, are going to keep him in line if ever he should become Mr. Rock Diva.

Meanwhile, Marty was working his way around the room, and stopped to say hey. He said he remembered talking to me on the phone about a month ago for a very nifty interview that ran in last Friday's TGIF. And people say this all the time, but I believed him, because his whole manner says he hasn't learned to speak fluent Press Release yet.

I told Marty that I'd gotten some crazy supportive letters from Lovehammer fans, or Hammerheads, as they love calling themselves, because of the interview we ran. He seemed psyched, and thanked me for getting the local interest up by running the story, Aww! . He would hug you too, Reader,
because Marty is, as Kristi told his sister, "the kind of guy that would have tea with your mother to make you happy."

His sister agrees.

"American Idol" Boyz in the good!

Here's an idea for your AI powers-that-be: If we need to have a final 12 contestants, can't we just have
4 women and 8 men, rather than the currently-required even six? Because as evidenced by tonight's
mostly good, occassionally brilliant and only momentarily frightening first glimpse at the final 12
guys, they're better than the ladies. So much better. Well, most of them are.

Here...a look back into the very recent history.

Patrick Hall: Um, OK. Nice. Not great. Kinda Clay. Kinda blah. Can go bye bye.

David: Ed Grimley's swingier brother.

Bucky: He's a Skynyrd throwback and he's great at it. Good for you, baby. Flicking that Bic for you.

Will: Bleh. Very Seth Cohen at the drama club auditions. He looked overwhelmed and sorta scared. Not all that cool.

Sway: I love any boy whose mama sang Earth Wind and Fire's "Reasons," the '70s R&B make-out classique, as a lullabye. He was a little shaky on the falsetto on a few notes, but he believed it. And I believed it. Believe it, America.

Chris: Loved his Bon Jovi, particularly the voice of Disembodied Fake Sambora singing the "Wanted!" part from off-camera...and coming in May, my new album, "Disembodied Sambora!"

Kevin: He disturbeth me, because when I closed my eyes and listened to his "One Last Cry," he did
what Lil' Paris didn't do last night - he interpreted the mess out of that song. But when I open my eyes, I inwardly shriek "It's Vanilla Urkel! Everybody runnnnnn!"

Gedeon: Like Jackie Wilson and Jesse Jackson, he's keeping hope alive and with his love, lifting me higher. And making me laugh. Love this kid.

Elliot: Dear Lordy, I forgot this kid was even around, until he opened his mouth and poured out that pretty, pretty voice. My new AI boyfriend. And a fun note: When he mentioned the trials and tribulations he had to go through to get there, he said "And I was in the group with one of the twins!" as if being with a Brittenum is the same as walking up the hill to school in the snow both ways. It probably was. But dag.

Bobby: No.

Ace: Shaky at first, but that boy is sexy. I crown thee...NeoCon...stantine! And ya'll know why.

Taylor: He makes me happy. His "Levon" was inspired, passionate and puncuated by this little smile when you knew that he knew he'd nailed it. He's exciting because he's not polished so much that all of his grit has been sanded down. And he is what Clay and Ruben were to me - a reason to watch. CockerKid lives!

"American Idol": Are you kidding me?

Oh, snap! I guess the girls that got booted off to Bye Bye Town during Hollywood Week must have really been horrendous, because these chicks are poor. I mean, we're talking vouchers for government talent cheese here. Now I know why Randy's so sure this year's winner will be male, not because the men are so phenomenal but because half these women couldn't sing their way out of an open piece of Saran Wrap.

Let's review...quickly, before my ears fall off...

- Paris the ringer completely killed my favorite song, "Midnight Train to Georgia," some weird innappropriate shuffle happy dance that completely clashed with the lyrics. Urp;

- Kellie Pickler is like Daisy Duke's sweeter, less short-short prone sister. Loveable. Blechy.

- Lisa "Stepford Child Star' Tucker was flat. OK. But flat.

- Ayla: Meh.

- Stevie: Neh.

- Katherine, and Mandisa and Kinnik : WOW! They're the real deal. And classy too.

And after an audition phase full of promise and shocking coherence, Paula is back to basically complimenting people's shoes. Paula - you can be nice and still tell the truth. And truth is...these girls
are lacking.

Go ahead. Boo. I can take it.

"American Idol": Well, they call it Bucky love...

We're finally down to the top 24, and I've already got my favorites and my folks that I'm kinda "meh" to.
But I must say that my favorite discovery, who I'd never noticed before, is Bucky Covington. Because he is truly, truly country. Because he sang the mess out of that "God Bless The Broken Road" song.
And because his name is Bucky.

My other faves:
Mandisa, who told stupid Simon that he couldn't break her spirit with his cheap fat jokes;
Taylor, my little wee Joe Cocker;
Kellie Pickler, who is even more country than Bucky;
Chris, who got stuck in the elevator and is so talented;
Pretty, pretty Ace, or NeoConstantine

My not faves:
Lisa Tucker, who strikes me as cloying;
Diva Brenna, who strikes me as someone who's gonna get beat down by the voters (and maybe a few of
her fellow contestants) if she doesn't step off from the 'tude;
Rebecca, who is just fakey to me;
Paris, who is, yes, very talented, but still sorta Screamy McGee.

I am so psyched about this! And about Bucky!

"American Idol": Silence is Golden

Lack of talent isn't the enemy for so many of these little fledgling Idolettes - it's not knowing when to
shut the heck up. ShutYerStinkingTrapitis is everywhere, from the awesomely cringe-worthy meltdown of the Brittenum Twins, to the "The Cheesy Diva Stands Alone" rant of the "Band of Gold" girls. They are so bent on speaking their minds, because their mamas told them they were special and could not be denied, that they seem to have no filter, and no inner Spidey sense that says "Danger, danger, young Dumb Dumby Dumb. Stop yapping."

But nooo. They gotta talk about their feelings, and rag on their group mates who didn't prepare, and explain everything that's in their special little souls - even when they've been told they made it. Why won't they listen? Do they have no sense of self-preservation? I mean, it's highly entertaining, because I really dislike some of these children. But smarten up, chickies. Sometimes it's your lack of tact, and not your lack to talent, that inspire the loose lips that sink your fame ship.

And in happier news...Joe Cocker Kid survives! Whoo-whee! And...scene!

Bluegrass in Lake Worth

Bluegrass alert!

If you're not busy tonight - and you shouldn't be, because there's no American Idol tonight - you should head over to the Bamboo Room at 9 p.m. and check out Steep Canyon Rangers, a group of seriously talented young bluegrass guys who are trying to spread that sweet picking gospel, one show at a time.

Woody Platt, the guitarist, says that there's a misconception that bluegrass musicians and their fans are all guys who could be called Grandpa Something. Au contraire — the band members, who hail from Ashville, NC, are all between the ages of 25 and 29. And so are some of the people who've grooved to them.

"We just got back from Boston, playing outside Harvard Square. And there were 300 college kids who were boogying. We were playing hard for them," says Platt, 28. "We got two encores. You wouldn't have walked in and thought that bluegrass was just for old people. You'd have thought 'This is cool.'"
And it is! Check 'em out!

Grammy Time: 11:33 : Bye, bye, babies!

Yay, Steve Lillywhite, my friend from my Big Fat Grammy Preview won "Song of the Year," meaning that they recognize not only U2 but his work on Jason Mraz's album. Viva La Mraz!

Now Bonnie and James are doing the "Album of the Year." It's U2, right? Because Mariah ain't winning nothing.

Yep. Bono just crossed the stage to hug Kanye. Just gave shout outs to Mariah and Paul and Gwen.

Wait, is Adam talking? Adam talks? What?

They cut my Larry off. Rats!

Now here is the last performance, and the Music Cares tribute to the gulf musicians who lost their instruments.

Dr. John is in the house! And Elvis Costello and Yolanda Adams and Alan Toussaint.

What's this...Bruce and Sam Moore doing "In The Midnight Hour" for Wilson Pickett. That's right. A fitting tribute. Take note. This is what you do when you honor someone. You give them the time of day.

And Irma Thomas. Very nice.

Are we done? What have we learned? That sometimes, the host with the most is no host at all. That sometimes, being honored means never having to say...anything. And getting a trillion nominations means nothing when the Man won't respect you. Shine on, Little Mariah.

Goodnight, ya'll. Tell me what you thought! Please! I get insecure really easily...

Grammy Time, 11:12 No Love For the Honorees. Again.

Chuck D...How I love him. Let's see...who's gonna win Best New Artist? John Legend! Is that his mama with the big Billie Holiday flower in her hair? Righteous.

Here's the memorial: Obie Benson, R.L. Burnside, Ibrahim Ferrer, Skitch Henderson, Shirley Horn, Chris Ledoux, Jimmy Marton, Robert Moog, Wicked Wilson Pickett, Lou Rawls. Bobby Short. And Luther. And Richard Pryor.

Latifah is here for the Pryor tribute. He's getting a Lifetime Achievement Award. Nice. He deserves more. Christina Aguilera got five whole minutes to butcher that song, and Richard Pryor gets one?

Grammy Time: 11 p.m. Are we done yet?

Terence Howard inducting Jessye Norman, who stood up to get her Lifetime Achievement recognition. That's right! Make them recognize. Attica! Attica! David Bowie! David Bowie!

Now we finally see Christina singing "A Song For You" with Herbie Hancock. Just sing the song. We are losing the song in stupid glory notes and curlicues that don't make sense or add anything. Just...sing...the...song. Leon Russell is a genius.

She just said "Listen to the melody." Gee, we'd like to. If you would sing it.

Can't Herbie do something about this?

Grammy Time, 10:49: Sometimes I Give Myself The Creeps

Record of the Year: Green Day! They're my age, and they and their wives are still dressed like the coolest Hot Topic managers EVER!

But if it ain't broke, don't fix it, huh?

Their producer got Musical Pimp slapped.

Stop showing Christina singing, or you're just gonna make me not watch her song.

Grammy time, 10:45 Kanye gets his props!

It's the Marching 100 from Florida A&M University!

Kanye and Jamie Foxx are hysterical. Please, give that boy an award so he shut up and stop whining. He already got one, actually. Good.

Jamie Foxx is a genius. Ray Charles would approve. And Kanye is not rhyming that word with "digger." Hmm. Don't need it.

This is the best performance of the night. Hands, batons and stepping canes down. Even the bikini girls are fierce.

Broke Phi Broke! I used to date some of them.

Grammy Time, 10: 35. Mariah backlash!

Song of the Year: Rascal Flatts...nice song. Bruce, we've covered. Mariah...not covered enough. U2, yay. And they've won.

Did Mariah win anything yet? Oh! Backlash!

"If you think this is gonna go to our heads...too late!" Bono says. Talk fast, babe. The musical pimp slap and the mountain lion are lurking in the wings, where they have just eaten Kelly Rowland's weave, thinking it was a long chipmunk.

Grammy Time, 10:29 Sympathy for the Devil, Part Deux

Tom Hanks has rock star hair! He's giving tribute to The Weavers, two of whom are here. He screwed up their names. Way to go there, Modern Day Jimmy Stewart.

Hey, it's Bruce! I'm pulling for Rodney Crowell in the folk category because I talked him on the phone and feel like he needs the good thoughts. Bruce is so gonna win this anyway. "Devils and Dust" is a great song. He's wearing the harmonica! Harmonicas are love. And don't let anyone tell you different.

Baby the Cat has turned her back, literally, on Bruce, and is licking her own back. I don't think that's an endorsement.

Bono is giving him a standing "O."

Yay.

Grammy Time, 10:17: Sympathy for the Devil

Robert Johnson can not be with us because he made a deal with the devil, and because he'd been 312 or something right now anyway. Thank you, L.L. The Omen is here to get Robert's Lifetime Achievement Award.

It's Jay-Z and Linkin Park. Jay is wearing a John Lennon T-shirt. Nice.

You know I'm into this, because there's a new "Law and Order" on and I'm watching this stuff.

It's PAUL MCCARTNEY! Singing "Yesterday" with Linkin Park and Jay-Z. That man is so classy. He raised little Jesse right.

That so far is the moment of the night. And it got a standing ovation. That's good TV.

Grammy Time, 10:08 Sly's..an original!

Dave Chappelle! He looks good and not...like he needed to rest. He's riffing on his walking out on his show and going back to Africa. Classy.

Look! Nicole Kidman! Can't Tom Cruise be here so she can roll her eyes at him and call him short?

Van Hunt. That brother is so fine. It's the Sly Stone tribute with Van, John Legend, and Joss Stone doing "Family Affair." Kinda rough on the harmony,no? Fantasia and Devon Lima? Is that right? I need to look him up.

Fantasia is screaming like Mavis Staples' cat. And that's OK.

Maroon 5 and Ciara. That little boy is delicious. "Everyday People." They sound great. She is so impressing me tonight. I did not care for her when I saw her. I see Maroon 5 got a few more seconds than other people.

Will.I.Am doing "Dance To The Music." He's rapping. It's good, but he's dissing on Hammer. Please, Hammer, don't hurt 'em. I hope Sly gets to wave from the parking lot for his award.

Steven Tyler kicks butt. "Higher." It's Tommy Lee Perry and Robert Randolph. They were great. Steven didn't really sing much. He's summoning sly...in a blond Mohawk! He sounds quiet and intense but great.

Ooh. Dior shades. Sing, Sly. With the metallic fringe down his back he looks like a Space Age Armadillo.

And stay tuned for my new album, "Space Age Armadillo," and the smashing first single, "Road Kill of Love."

Sly has left the stage mid-song. They said he was reclusive. And like a good gospel band, the party goes on without him.

What the...

Grammy time, 9:47 (Keith) Urban Cowboy

At least the grandson of Owen Bradley, the country legend got to be shown in the audience for his granddad's Trustee's award. Is that just because he's dead?

Keith Urban...what a good voice on that guy. Where's Faith Hill? Jenna Elfman promised Faith Hill! Keith is singing that song "Get The Heck Out My House And Take Your Stupid Cat With You." Or whatever.

There's Faith. Her backup singers and Keith sound kinda rough together. Twin Sister Lynne is reminding me that her necklace is like these silver cowboy belts we had in 1987. It's all about '87 tonight.

Chris Brown and Carlos Santana. I love Carlos Santana, but even he can't her him over Frank Sinatra singing "That's Life." Yay! Honoree Mo Ostin is still alive, and gets to be shown on TV. What a novel idea, showing the people you're honoring!

Jay-Z and Linkin Park have won "Rap-Vocal Collaboration." They gave Jay the award because it's all about him. Hurry up, baby. They're gonna give you the Musical Pimp Slap. Whew. He escaped.

They just showed Alicia Keys for no reason whatsoever. But they still haven't found David Bowie.

9:37 Grammy Time, and Mariah's got the spirit

I love that Mariah is faking like she's wearing a long dress, when her mini-dress is actually jsut wearing a veil. Think about it.

Hi, Richard, Lynne and Editor Larry! Tell your friends! If I get five bloggers, I earn a toaster!

Mariah is screaming, and waving her hands, like she's hoping the right note is floating by and she can slap it out the sky and eat it.

Who's that preacher guy? Is that Hezikiah Walker? Somebody tell me something.

This is Hezekiah Walker's group. They sound great. But where's Eric Roberts? Shouldn't he be around here somewhere?

Mariah's mic has sequins on it. And she just shattered my chandelier here in Lake Worth across the TV. She needs to melt her mic down and give me some money

Something about Michael Buble makes me sweat. And yes I stole that from INXS. This is Fiona Apple's category, for pop vocal album. Please, Fiona?

Kelly stole Fiona's award! Oh, no! Fiona's gonna go sullen again! We'd just gotten her happy. Gee, thanks Kelly.

Kelly has struck again. She said she's all cried out. Uho-oh. Where's Lisa Lisa's lifetime achievement award? I want a recount.

And Kelly just got the shut-up music. So that's how it is: If you win an award, you only get to talk for 10 seconds, and if you get a Lifetime Achievement award, you have to watch the awards from the ATM machine on the third deck of the Staples Center. Not...right.

Grammy Time, 9:23: Here's your lifetime achievement award. Now go home.

Shout out to Granny Black-Eyed Peas! Apparently Island Records' Chris Blackwell has gotten the Trustee's Award, which is, I guess, not important enough to warrant even a shot of him in the audience. What is the point of having them mentioned if we can't see them? Do we need to see Jennifer Love Hewitt and Fergie that badly?

This is making me so mad. I know it's all about youth now. But do me a favor: Stop paying lip service to the past if you can't stop trampling over their feet to get Fergie to the podium. Grrr.

Look, they're playing the music over Wee John Legend's speech. Ooh! Musical pimp slap! Keep talking, Johnny, and hold up a little tiny fist up in solidarity for David Bowie.

Grammy time, 9:14. Paul is still the cute one.

Commercials...I'm glad Dennis Haysbert has a job now that they killed him off of "24." On his new CBS show, he appears to be about to cut somebody's eyes out! Whoo-wee! May be Jack Bauer be with you.

I love Ellen DeGeneres. She said "Our next performer needs no introduction," and then walked off stage. That's funny. Now, she and Stevie Wonder oughta riff on what the people are wearing, and Stevie should say "You should see what Teri Hatcher is wearing!"

Paul McCartney is the performer Ellen was talking about. I like this "Fine Line" song. And that eye job I think he got a while ago is holding up well.

My poor cat, Baby, is sitting right next to the computer, because I am not paying her the slightest bit of attention. Hazards of knowing me, I guess.

Paul sez he "finally passed the audition" for the Grammys. He's gonna rock a bit. "Helter Skelter." Very nice. The kiddies are going "Is he Jesse McCartney's granddad?"

9:04, Grammy Time, and U2 is still cuter than you.

I have never liked this Kelly Clarkson song, "Because Of You." Moving but kinda whiny. I like her dress, though. And she sounds great. She's crying again, which is making her a little late on the phrases. Completely spontaneous and awesome. It's like "She's Out Of My Life" meets Whitney Houston sobbing her racoon eye makeup off during "Didn't We Almost Have It All" at the 1987 MTV Video Awards.

Aren't you scared that I know that last bit off the top of my head?

Billie Joe just sent a get-well shout-out to Les Paul. Here, here. U2 has won best rock album. Duh. Tony Bennett approves. He is the coolest. Bono is saying that sometimes when you're famous, you're the clown in the circus of rock and roll. And stay tuned for my new album "The Clown In The Circus of Rock and Roll," and the first single "Don't Eat That Cotton Candy, You Don't Know Where It's Been."

Grammy time, 8:36. This is Mary J. Blige's world. You're just living in it.

Bono sez U2 is the loudest folk band in the world. And he's the sexiest man ever to wear red sunglasses, which on anyone else would be a one-way ticket to Bammatown.

I saw them a few months ago with Concert Buddy Ed, and it was the best. It's not the same watching it on TV. I am jealous of the Grammy goers, sucking up Bono's live essence...that sounded nasty, didn't it? So sorry.

Jenna Elfman...yes, we know you have a CBS show. Siddown.

"Vertigo" has given way to Mary J. Blige and "One." She is beautiful, and full of strength and class and realness. Once again, a person of class and personality can carry off fashion no-nos, like leather corsets and skin-tight satin pants on muscular thighs.

Bono, I think she just stole your song from you right under your nose. You are now her back-up singer. She is preaching this, ya'll. I want to cry.

She's hugging him like she just got happy in church.

David Bowie got a Lifetime Achievement Award, so sez Matt Dillon and Ludacris. Why aren't we seeing these people on the stage or even in the audience? Is there some point to this? It's stupid.

It's Kanye's first of the night. He's got a list that says "Thank You List" in big letters. Ha, ha, funny. His gloves are freaking me out. He better be doing some heavy-duty gardening after this. Either that, or somebody better alert Michael Jackson that Kanye is updating his glove thing.

8:33 at the Grammys. And we've got technical difficulties.

John Legend is introducing "Ordinary People." I am so glad that the Grammys, and popular music in general now encourage real musicians. He's in black and white, all "Casablanca" and stuff.

Smoke machine!

Sugarland. This girl looks like a young Tricia Yearwood. Ooops. You can hear the behind-the-scene tech guys blabbering about "Turn her mic up." Somebody's getting fired!

But Sugar's not letting that phase her. She sounds great. And here comes Big And Rich, to talk about Merle Haggard. "Okie From Muskogee" was the jam, yo. Merle's getting a lifetime achievement award. Doesn't he get to come up and get it? Daggone! Can you at least let him get it in the aisle like they do at the Oscars for the costume category? That's wrong.

Alison Krauss just won something. Her voice is so pretty. And her speech was short. We like that.

8:16 p.m. at the Grammys. Stevie Wonder's watching you.

Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder. He's been pulling this "I'm a blind man, but doesn't she look beautiful?" shtick for 40 years now, and it never gets old. Really. I love him.

He just won something apparently, in the "No Grammy Broadcast For You!" Grammy Awards. They're talking about New Orleans, and now dedicating "Higher Ground" to the late Coretta Scott King. Alicia Keys is so talented. Why can't more people by like her? Ashlee, are you listening? I think you hear me knocking, and I've got Alicia, and Stevie and Adam Levine's Rat Pack suit, and Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul's instructional singing DVD with me.

First category: Female performance - Stevie gonna read it! He's so funny! I love that bit!

Kelly Clarkson won. Her dress has a poodle attached to it. The mountain lion ate it and stapled it to Kelly's dress. She's crying. Man, she's adorable. Like your goofy little sister. Breathe, girl. The words will come easier that way.

Chris Martin has gotten so cute. What happened? Gwyneth must be a good influence, her and little Apple and Peaches.

Anybody out there? Chime in already. My Twin Sister Lynne hasn't even logged on yet, and that's sad.

8 p.m. The exciting Grammy opening number...not!

Madonna and Gorillaz. This is boring. It's like those amnitronic band things at Chuck E. Cheese that come to life like they're possessed and scare the babies. Look, it's De La Soul! I love them. Why do we need the cartoons? And where the heck is fricking Madonna?

There she is, beamed in through the floor like a reverse "Star Trek" situation. I don't understand any of this. It doesn't meld, and that one cartoon in the jock strap leaning on the mic stand looks like Scott Weiland in his pharmaceutical playland days.

I like "Hung Up," and Madonna is sort of like a cartoon, huh? Good. Scary Jockstrap is gone for the moment.

The strobe is hurting my eyes, man. I don't type at the disco for this very reason. Why is the song still on? I shouldn't say that...Rochelle "The Commissioner" Gilken will hurt me.

That was dumb. Gotta get better than this...Oh, look! Michael Buble. And all is better.

7:56: Final Pre-Show thought before the big shoooee!

Ciara is actually fully clothed! And gorgeous. When I saw her with Gwen Stefani, she looked like a trucker cheerleader.

Speaking of Gwen, she is the cutest pregnant lady in the world. Very Jungle Mommy. I saw Gavin Rossdale earlier - very "Shakespeare At The Casbah." Why, baby? Why?

OK...We're on! Turning the station now...

Grammy pre-show: 7:48 and the mountain lion's still at large

Wait! The mountan lion has now attacked Christina Milian's dress! Will this madness ever end? The horror!

I ain't mad atcha, girl. You're very cute.

Jay-Z is telling Stumpy that he's gone "old English." I adore his look. Very classy. And he doesn't spend his cash on grillz. Promote your dental health, brother.

Why is Joe Perry dressed like Tommy Lee Jones in "Lonesome Dove?"

The Game's toddler, Harlem is staring at Juliana like "I'm a cranky toddler. Why are you waving that mic in my face? Did you sign the consent form my publicist sent? Step OFF!"

Kayne is rocking the Barry Gibb Talk Show medallion. Meets Freddy Krueger's glove, but without the unslightly razor fingers. His girlfriend's hair is so cool, in a high Audrey Hepburn situation. Kanye is talking about Adam Levine of Maroon Five's voice, and all I can think is "Tragedy! When the feeling's gone and you can't go on..."

Adam Levine looks like he's late for a Rat Pack prom.

7:38 at the Grammy Pre-Show: LL is love

Shrimpy is interviewing LL Cool J, trying to start some mess between Mariah Carey and Madonna about a supposed catfight between the two of them. LL is too classy to get dragged into this. He's just presenting tonight, in his white suit and goofy brown hat. That hate would make anyone else look like a jackass. Not Cool James.

Look, it's Randy Jackson...and Beyonce. But not together.

Red carpet hi-jinks: 7:27 p.m. - Who let the hair bands out?

I love when the hosts interview people they have never heard of before and try to pretend they care. This Julianne girl is talking to Mary Mary, who are up for Soul Gospel Album

Quick! I'd like to put out an APB for the mountain lion that ate the rest of Alicia Key's dress? Girl was robbed!

Why is Dokken here? Is it Free Can-O-Aqua Net Night here at the Grammys?

Fiona Apple is wearing what looks like a Victorian tablecloth. She is still lovely. Kelly "Back Up Off Me, Cowell" Clarkson is talking to Seacrest Keebler. Is he gonna mention American Idol? Let's see...He mentioned that she was 19 on the show, and couldn't drink. Joss Stone, who is a giant, is 19. Great. More pop stars I coulda babysat.

Going to put more Geritol in my cottage cheese...

7:19. And I need more raisins in my special Grammy cottage cheese.

Michael Buble is so young. Sigh. When did the pop stars start being younger than me? Not...fair. Apparently he lost his category to Tony Bennett because it's one of the ones they don't show in the broadcast. Because we need more time to watch all those Beyonce-ettes and (urp) Fergie. If anhy of ya'll know Fergie, tell her to read my blog because I talk about her a lot, and because I think she is unforgivably tacky and I wanna talk her down from it. Then again, I'm a flabby non-famous girl and you could grate cheese on her stomach, so why is she listening to me?

But seriously, baby girl...call me. There are some Hoochie 12-step programs we can get you into.

Seacrest is introducing Buble to Teri Hatcher, who he is presenting an award with. You can see through her dress. Why? I don't wanna see my own frigging underwear. Why presume that I wanna see yours?

She's going on about some mysterious "common friend" that she and Seacrest Frodo have. Is it who he is dating? And do I care? No, not really.

Grammy Pre-show: 7:15 and all is silly

Quote so far of the night: "Some women'll get your suit dirty, but it's worth it."

Hobbit-like cutey man John Legend talking about risking huggin up on fine women even in his immaculate white suit.

7:03 PM And Welcome to the Live Grammy Preview, ya'll!

Oh, dear. I've had E!'s preview from the Green (!) carpet for about 5 minutes, and already I've seen something dumb. DJ "I'm Not Marrying Nicole Richie" AM was talking to "my man Rodney," as in Rodney Crowell, and he asks him if these are his first Grammy nominations.

"No, moron!" I screamed because I am not as classy as Rodney, who just told him no, and that he's won before. Way to do your research, Bunky. Rodney Crowell is hot in a craggy way.

Look, it's Matt Dillon, being obscured by shots of every interchangeable hootchie in a shiny dress. He's so cute. For some reason he's talking about Schooly D. Old school! Matt Dillon is old school in a good way....How are we supposed to hear with those dadblamed girls screaming over behind Shorty McSeacrest's head? Geez....

Join My Grammy Party Online

I was thinking of having a Grammy party at my house for all you guys, so we could chat back and forth and admire Beyonce's weave,and giggle about how hot Kanye West is and bow down before Bono and Sly Stone,

and perhaps make fun of whatever Fergie is wearing, because we don't like her.

But then I realized that I'd have to clean up, and buy snacks for everyone, and where would you all park? So the I'm having a virtual Grammy party instead. Starting with the preshow on E!, I'll be giving an constant stream of two-cents (or 50 Cent, as the case may be.) Please log on, join the party, and tell me what you think!

This'll be fun! And cheap!

American Idol: Last-minute Hollywood updates!

Last Friday I had a chat with Ken Warwick, the executive producer of American Idol. And he told me and the other reporters on the conference call some stuff you need to know about tonight's exciting (snort) final audition in Boston, as well as Wednesday's beginning of the Hollywood shuffle of lightening-fast eliminations, weeping, jubliation and drama.

— The Brittenum Twins saga comes to an end! Apparently, the fabulously talented but reportedly felonius duo, standouts at the Chicago auditions, were both arrested on various charges of theft and fraud. Warwick confirms that they made it into the final 36, but were "disinvited" from the top 24. He wouldn't explain much further, but to say that the disinvitation "was prudent" and captured on tape.
"We don't just take them out and not mention it," he said.
So they're in the Wednesday show?
"Oh, they're in there!" he confirms.
This sounds good....

— This is what we're in for: Tuesday is the Boston audition. Wednesday shows the approximately 180 folks from the various city auditions getting to Hollywood, where they are quickly whittled to about 50 or 60. Next Tuesday, there's more cutting, and by Wednesday Feb. 15, we'll have the top 12 women and top 12 men, 24 in all. Great balls of fire, we're getting close! Happy Valentine's Day to us!

— Every single one of the singers that you've seen during the auditions — everyone that gets through to sing for Paula, Simon and Randy — have been vetted by a producer first. That means that either they're very, very good...or very, very not good.
"We're looking for the brilliant and the delusional," Warwick explained.
"So how do those producers keep a straight face when they hear some brilliantly delusional and awful person that they're gonna let through so that they can be made fun of on national television?" I asked.
"Well, (the producers) would get the sack if they let on," he said. "We train them pretty well. We have to keep (the contestant selection) true to what is representative of that city and state."
Which begs the question — Why are there so many people in every city and every state who need a giant bracing slap in the face from the Hand of Reality? Warwick has a simple explanation: our darned American gumption gone horribly wrong.
"America is one of those places, where from the moment you first get to school, a good cross-section believe that if they want something hard enough, they can go there and get it. I love it! And in the cruelest way, I think that's fantastic. If anyone comes in trying to foil us, they're shown the door. It's pretty obvious (when they're trying to be bad.) I would say that 99.99 percent are genuinely delusional, if they're bad."

— Apparently, it's come to light that the portion of the Austin auditions with Simon et al actually happened in San Francisco, because of complications of Hurricane Katrina between the preliminary show and the judges' appearance. But producers weren't trying to fool anybody — "Those were the auditionees from Austin that you saw. There was no one else in that round but them," he says. "We didn't mention it on air because we thought it wasn't a big deal."
So there!

— Some people are actually reporting that Paula Abdul is, as one reporter said, "judging better than ever." I am not one of those people. But OK...

My Big Fat Grammy Preview, Day Five: Native American artist Joanne Shenandoah

Joanne Shenandoah, Best Native American Album (the compilation Sacred Ground: A Tribute To Mother Earth, for the song Seeking Light)

For the unitiated, Shenandoah is a three-time Grammy nominee, this year for a song from a compilation of songs by different artists. Her style is a hybrid of country and Native influences, and she has been compared to ethereal Celtic singer Enya.

Question: This is your third Grammy nomination. I read that you've said that you would have rather been watching the ceremony at home with your friends and family back in Oneida, N.Y. (Shenandoah is a member of the Wolf Clan of the Iroquois Confederacy, Oneida Nation.) But you're going this year, right?
Answer: Yes. I'm very honored. There are very fine artists that I'm nominated with. Because (the nomination) is a compilation, it's important for people to understand the gamut of Native artists that exists. And if you ask anyone who's ever been nominated for anything, it really is an honor.

Q: You were first nominated in 2001, the first time this category was ever presented. So is this nomination as important to you?
A: Yes, this is the third time for me. I think for any musician, you certainly want to make sure that people know where you are coming from. I've given a lot of heart and soul to what I do. This song, Seeking Light, brought tears to my eyes, thinking about how many people around the world are in need of healing. The song is about the healing (powers) of Grandmother Moon — I don't know if you know anything about Grandmother Moon (a revered matriarch in the Iroquois tradition). But what do most people know and appreciate about the moon? It controls the ocean tides, and all things as far as women are concerned. The Iroquois are a matriarchal community.

Q: You grew up in a musical tradition. Before you became a full-time musician, you were an engineer?
A: I was a systems architectural engineer for many moons — too many moons. I had a huge window office. You know, you have the (traditions) that you grew up with, but as you grow up and get educated, you have to prove yourself. You have credit cards and bills, and everyone is telling you how proud they are of you. But still you feel like you have some higher purpose. Now in my heart and my soul, I'm happy, doing what I'm doing.

Q: Not too many people can say that.
A: You meet people every day who are not sure what their purpose is in life. What a blessing it is to be able to find what it is that you're supposed to be doing! I've been doing it since 1990, and I've got 10 Native American Music Awards or Nammys, three Indie Awards.

Q: So are the Grammy Awards any different?
A: Going the first time was very exciting, sitting near Beyonce. I feel totally blessed. You see how music affects people. It's one of our main healing forces, an encompassing thing. From birth, to naming, to death, (music) takes the whole spectrum of life into consideration.

Q: So I guess you would not have been happy, ultimately, doing anything else.
A: I have a very Native perspective. To me, (what I'm doing) is a matter of survival. I continue to have certain responsibilities, but it really comes down to what happens seven generations into the future. Do you have children?

Q: No, not yet.
A: It's one of the most beautiful things you can ever experience. When your daughter has children, and they have children, and then those children have children and you have passed into the spirit world, what would you like them say about you? To me, (thinking about that) is very profound.

Q: Indeed. So I guess the Grammys are a platform to show all of that to the world. I actually remember watching the first time that they gave this award — you were nominated — and Robbie Robertson and Val Kilmer presented it.
A: I know that there are millions of people who listen to Native music, from their personal testaments and E-mails, from their letters and gifts. Oh my gosh, the things that people give you! It has made a difference in my life. But the one remarkable testament is that the Native people have continued to survive, in a cultural and spiritual way that is remarkable. We are a very small minority. But we are very proud. Hopefully the music touches the soul, because the awards are collecting dust.

My Big Fat Grammy Preview, Day Four: Producers Rodney Jerkins and L-Roc

Rodney Jerkins, Best R&B Song (Cater 2 U, Destiny's Child)

Question: Congrats! You've won one before.
Answer: In 2000, in the same category, with the same ladies (for "Say My Name"). It's really awesome. This is what I do, a gift that I have, and I've been blessed to work with them on several occasions. What spells success is having that chemistry.

Q: So I guess Destiny's Child is good luck for you. You need tconvince them to not break up, for the sake of your Grammy-winning odds.
A: (Being nominated for the same category with DC) might be a sign. Who knows? They'll be back. No one who's created a great legacy like that stays retired. I'm going out on a limb, and saying that they'll
be back in five years.

Q: We'll see. Before you won your first Grammy, was winning one important to you?
A: I don't think I was working for that. I love music, and I don't think I was working to say "I'm gonna win a Grammy," but it adds to your legacy. When you're announced in different places, and they say
"Grammy Award-winning producer" before your name, it has a better ring to it. (Laughs). I like the way that sounds. I wanna have kids in three or four years (with wife and artist Joy Enriquez), and I want them to see that their father not only did work, but won awards for his hard work.

Q: So awards are important.
A: It's means more than just a paycheck, when you're working hard. As a kid, I was used to winning trophies (in sports). When you win something, you win a trophy. That's what I'm used to.

Q: And the Grammy is the best trophy to win, then, like the Super Bowl trophy of music?
A: Yeah. They're more prestigious than other awards, like the Oscars are for movies. They have a prestigious ring to them ? "Wow, the Grammys! I made it to the Grammys!" Being able to say that is just the icing on the cake.

Q: Tell me about "Cater 2 U".
A: It's funny. For the last several years, there have been these songs with men bashing women, women bashing men. That's not great lyrical content. Sometimes you have to compliment the woman you're in love with. That's what "Cater 2 U" is. It just so happens that we're used to hearing a guy compliment a woman in a song. And this is the woman saying "Relax, I'm gonna give you a manicure and a pedicure." It's something different, and it's time. Men love it. And it's the hardest thing in the world to do to get men to buy a record. I made this for men to love, because they think "I can be pampered, too!"

Q: Boy, that's different than "Say My Name," huh?
A: When I won (for that song), it was the total opposite. That's about talking to your man, knowing he's talking to someone else on the other line, and you're saying "Say my name," so she can hear it. It's the kind of record about girls in fear that their man is cheating. "Cater 2 U" is the kind of record that lasts longer. You can grow up on it, get old to it.

Q: Speaking of being catered to, what fabulous thing are you wearing to the Grammys?
A: I don't know anything yet. I was on the phone with my publicist. We're talking about Gucci, Zegna, Brioni. I want Gucci this year. But I'm so last minute, we may have to wing it.

Q: And if you get up there on the podium in your Gucci, what are you gonna say?
A: It's another blessing to be gifted in that area. Speeches don?t
intimidate me in the least.

L-Roc, (Album of The Year, "The Emancipation of Mimi", Mariah Carey, for the song "Get Your Number")

Question: You won a Grammy last year for your songwriting work on " Yeah!", by Usher with Lil Jon and Ludacris, for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration. So are you still psyched this year?
Answer: I mean, it's just an honor to have the nomination. I don't really think about it much. Last year was the first nomination, and it was fun. But getting a Grammy or not, for me, is not that big of a deal. It's an honor, but I don't take it that seriously. They are prestigious because you've been nominated by industry people who respect your work. They're your peers. And like I said, it's an honor to be in their company.

Q: What's the biggest value in winning a Grammy?
A: It helps a little for PR. And it looks good on the credits.

Q: Does being visible at awards shows help people understand exactly what it is that producers do?
A: I think most people understand that, because the perception is that (producers) do the tracks. Most of us are skilled in knowing how to use computers and technology, and being musically inclined and having vision, you're known as the person who has the track and creates a signature for the artist.

Q: You've done that this year on the Mariah song. But last year's winner, Yeah, has got to be a hard thing to follow up. That song was huge. And it's impossible to get out of your head...like right now it's stuck in my head. Thanks.
A: (Laughs.) You can't think about (follow-ups). You just keep doing music. For me, it's about keeping the same formula, and keeping it real simple. The biggest song I've had since then is Nelly's "Grillz", and it's the same thing. You have a simple melody. I'm not really trying to top the last one. You just find the song that fits the artist. And whatever happens after that, happens.

Q: Have you given any thought to your Grammy look?
A: A little bit. I'm gonna be sharp. I'm going to have a suit on and look sharp, that's all I can say for now. It'll be a suit with some fly tennis shoes, very comfortable. I'm gonna let it out a little more this year.

Q: So last year you were a little more formal for your first time?
A: Yeah. I'm going to be a little more funky this year.

My Big Fat Grammy Preview, Day Three: Reggae legend Burning Spear

Burning Spear, (Best Reggae Album, Our Music)

Question: You've been around for so long, and have such a strong message in your music of pride and self-sufficiency. Are awards something you think about?
Answer: It's really good when one can end up winning something in the music industry (laughs). I've been nominated many, many times, and the first time I ended up being a winner (in 2000) for the Calling Rastafari CD, that was exciting, of course. But then, it wasn't. With the amount of time I've been in this business, I always see myself as a winner, before I even end up winning it! So that much is exciting to me. And that's good, because so many people have never been nominated.

Q: Does the nomination expose you to people who might not be familiar with reggae, or with you?
A: I think I've been seen over the past years by so many different people from different countries, even before winning the Grammy, hundreds of thousands of people. So for me, I don't think it creates that kind of thing. A lot of people have seen Burning Spear, and been saying great things about Burning Spear. But winning the Grammy doesn't mean you sell a million records. That's not how marketing works. You could still win, and (have the album) not do that much. And you can still end up selling nothing.

http://www.burningspear.net/

My Big Fat Grammy Preview, Day Two: Gospel diva CeCe Winans, and Coffee of the Christian hip-hop group Grits

CeCe Winans, (Best Gospel Performance, Pray, Best Soul Gospel Album, Purified)

Question: So why is the Grammy important to you?
Answer: It's one of the most important awards, for several reasons. It's viewed by so many people around the world, and has such a long history of — what can I say — of power. And you really get a chance to be recognized by (people) from every genre of music, which is a wonderful thing. And so we've been blessed to have a few Grammys, so that gives us a wider platform to do what we do.

Q: Do these nominations, for this particular album, mean something different than the others?
A: Each one is special, it really is. I put a lot of my heart into this CD. You put in what you feel you have to give, and this particular one is a lot about family and a lot about love. There's a lot of encouragement on this CD. God knows what we've all been through and exactly what we need. And (the CD) is about being reminded how important it is to love each other, to love God, and love yourself. And then things will get better. If you're hurting, you'll eventually heal.

Coffee (Best Rock Gospel Album, Dichotomy B)

Q: This is the first Grammy nomination for you guys. Are awards important to you?
A: We really don't care a whole lot about them, but it is always nice to be appreciated. And something that's as prestigious as the Grammy — we're very happy and excited about it. Whether we win or lose, the nomination alone is enough.

Q: People say that. But is that true?
A: It carries weight, solidifies you a lot more in the industry and lets you know that you accomplished something.

Q: Does a nomination by a mainstream awards-giving body, as compared to a Christian-based one, help your visibility with people who are more in the mainstream?
A: I think it helps more in the genre that we're working in. For people in the gospel rock industry, it helps them know that there is more in this industry, which isn't very open to the music we do. The Christian music industry is not as open to hip-hop. Maybe now that we've got a Grammy nomination, they'll want to get behind us. We've made it into the top four artists, being Grammy nominees. The original list (for consideration) is between 50 and 100 artists. Then it dwindles to the last four.

Q: I think you guys are a part of a Christian music industry that, at last, has a high quality of music to go with the message. Because for years, the message was so positive, but the music itself wasn't really anything you'd want to listen to.
A: Our goal is to create great gospel music, and to create quality music. The message comes later. If your music is not great, the average person won't listen to it. It doesn't matter what you're talking about. If you're gonna win people over, you've got to be a true artist, to make quality sounds.

Q: Who are you looking forward to seeing at the Grammy show?
A: Everybody from Mariah to Kanye to Linkin Park. It's amazing to me that we're going to be in the same room with all of these artists, who are at the top of their games. We're just here to learn.

Q: Given any thought to your outfit?
A: Yeah, I've been thinking about the outfit thing. I'm gonna keep it nice. And if we win, i'm just gonna stand there, grin and look pretty.

CeCeWinans.com/

ChristianityToday.com review

"This week's TV Boyfriend: Robert Scorpio (Tristan Rogers), "General Hospital."

He was dashing. He was mysterious. And Australian. He also had, like, the worst "What's that animal on your head"-type toupe ever trapped and stappled to a hot guy. But he was, as mentioned, Australian. And that counted for a lot.

But then Robert Scorpio, rakishly daring World Security Bureau (WSB) agent, was blown up in a tragic boat explosion in 1991, leaving his cute little girl Robin an orphan and leaving Port Charles at the mercy of stupid mumbly, women-hating mobsters who would eventually convince viewers and the "General Hospital" writers that they were the good guys. Evil mobsters!

But no more, kiddies! The Scorpio has risen, under ridiculous and fantastical circumstances no less, to save Port Charles from a potentially deadly viral epidemic, and hopefully to save "General Hospital" from its own short-sighted dumbness. Along with his countryman Dr. Noah Drake (Rick Springfield), now back dying charmingly and hottly of liver disease (don't ask), Robert's gonna save the day and he's gonna look good doing it.

That's right. No more Shaggy Dog Toupe. It's close-cropped, gray and natural-ish now...because all that weave will wear a crimefighter down.

My Big Fat Grammy Preview, Day One: Van Hunt

It's just five days until the big 48th Annual Grammy Awards broadcast on CBS (Wednesday, 8 p.m.), and we're getting you psyched. For the next several days, we'll be introducing you seven proud nominees in a dizzying range of Grammy categories, some whose work you know, and all of whom you'll be glad to know.

First up: Van Hunt, Best Urban/Alternative Performance, Dust.

Q: So, this is your very first Grammy nomination. Big deal?
A: To me, it's the only (award) that still involves your peers in the industry sitting down, taking a listen and having a vote about what they like. It's the highest honor in the profession. That's why there's the allure, why the magic is still there.

Q:Your music seems like it comes from such a personal, organic place. Do you ever think, as an up-and-coming artist "Gee, this could win me something?"
A:I'd love to be all-encompasing like that, but mainly I do music for myself, and not even a grown-up version of myself. I'm still that kid who's got his ears between the speakers. I make music for that kid.

Q:Did that kid watch the Grammys coming up?
A:Yeah, I used to watch all of the awards shows, like every other kid, watching Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson. I was always excited to see what happened. As of late, though, the (awards show) performances became different and not as exciting to me.

Q:You know, I wasn't even aware of your category before now.
A:I don't think there is any other way to recognize a black artist that doesn't rap, or a white artist that just doesn't play (with) a rock band. They had to open up some sort of brand, to recognize that there's something else going on. Urban alternative is the new thing. To me it's about being at the awards, rather than a particular category. You know, any opportunity to meet (honoree) Sly Stone. And you can write that three times.

Q:So you're a big Sly fan? He was in the tradition of so many black artists who jumped between rock and roll, to soul, to funk and back again, defying lables and categories.
A:That, for me, is the path that I am on, that has lead me here. You start with Chuck Berry, Ray Charles, Little Richard, then to James Brown, then to Sly to Prince. I'm trying to follow how the were able to ride the fence.

Q:And what's funny is that there are so many people who will look at you as a young brother and not get that you aren't a rapper or doing straight-up R&B, but something different, like some people still write that blacks don't do rock when...Hello? Jimi Hendrix?
A:I figure if people thought that Jimi was R&B when he first came out, then there's not much you're gonna do about that. People called him a soul sensation, and here he is, trying to set fire to the auditorium.

Q:Cool. So, what are you wearing to the Grammys?
A:I have no idea. Every time I try to talk to the label and my stylist about the style I wanna wear, they shut me down. They're convinced I'm crazy. I can tell that it's gonna be colorful. If I can pull this off, it's going to be colorful in a birthstone kind of a way.

Q:So you're not going to give me a hint and tell me what your birthstone is, are you?
A:No.

http://www.vanhunt.com/

Grammys: Madonna, U2, and FAMU, too!

Ooh, the Grammy buzz is heating up, up in here! Can you feel it, baby? I can too, as Marky Mark once said.

And, Lordy, it seems like the Funky Bunch are the only people maybe not appearing at CBS' Wednesday night's star-studded shindig. U2, Mariah "I Will Not Be Ignored" Carey, Sugarland, John Legend, Bruce Springsteen and Faith Hill.

And get this: Gorillaz, who you might call the Archies of hip-hop, will appear with Madonna, who some might call the Veronica Lodge of music.

They'll be presented in 3-D animation, which will hopefully be cooler than when Shrek and Donkey showed up in the audience of the Kodak Theater on Oscar night and lost.

Even more exciting: 20 members of the Florida A&M's Marching 100 band will help funk up the joint as they play with Kanye West and Jamie Foxx on "Gold Digger" and "Touch The Sky." And one of those lucky 20, Charles Moorer Jr., is from Belle Glade! Palm Beach County continues to represent.

For more, check out this link.

Press release of the week: Important Satan-related entertainment note!

From our local Twentieth Century Fox representative:

"Pls. note...

The Omen 666 title has been changed to just THE OMEN.

Nationwide release is still 6/6/06.

Thanks."

Great, now you tell me! I've already sent out invitations....

"American Idol": Geez, Louise, don't we have enough singers yet?!?!?

I apologize to anyone named Louise....

...for taking their names in vain or at all involving them in the stupifying yawnfest that was the "AI" Austin audition night. My biggest regret was that I kept forgetting that I was watching this mess live, and not on the Tivo, which is my usual habit. So they'd get to a particularly ear-offensive singer who was just bound to stink and then cry/explode/cuss somebody out, and I'd reach for the blessed relief of Mr. Fast-Forward Button...except it wouldn't Fast Forward. It just sat there, like, "Sorry, sucker!"

So...cranky...

I must say, however, that I was oddly impressed with Alison, the girl who almost died on her flight there, and then proceeded to waste her divine sparing by blowing it big-time, not just once or twice. You know, I shouldn't say that. She may not have gotten to Hollywood, but she gained huge points as a human being because...write this down...SHE KNEW THAT SHE WAS BAD. And she admitted that, accepted her lumps, thanked the judges for their time, and left without drama.

That girl was raised right. I have questions about Tessie Mae, the foul Heidi Girl. But we love that Alison.

We (and by "we" I mean "me," striving for self-importance and snootiness) also liked : Little cocky R.J.;
William, the 16-year-old Seth Cohen look-alike;

Jason the funeral director; and even little Cierra Johnson, who would truly be a great singer with some lessons and some time.

But the best thing said all night - "I don't think I can do this anymore," Simon said, after Tessie Mae freaked out all over the place.

Me too, Dr. Who.