AJC.com > Opinion > Woman to Woman > Archives > 2008 > September > 26
Friday, September 26, 2008
Should people aspire to virginity until they are married?
Shaunti Feldhahn, a right-leaning columnist, writes the commentary this week and Andrea Cornell Sarvady, a left-leaning columnist, responds.
Rebuttal
As a mother of three, I’m appalled by the extremes of the hook-up culture that surrounds me. However, if we assume that virginity until marriage is something people should aspire to, then we assume all virgins are the same.
Should a 15-year-old girl have a sex life? Most of us would give a resounding “no.” Should a responsible single professional have a sex life? Given that the average age of marriage in this country is around 26 for men and 25 for women, I’d say that someone old enough to vote, drink, rent a car and buy a house is old enough to determine if remaining a virgin fits in with graduate school, career goals and other aspirations.
There is nothing “crazy” about choosing to stay chaste, and VMA awards host Russell Brand is an opportunistic spotlight grabber. Yet let’s not pretend that there isn’t some PR calculation on the part of Team Jonas as well here (their handlers, if not the boys themselves). One hopes the group is prepared for public scrutiny of their behavior, especially if they fall off the virginity wagon. Or should I say when they fall off; even those enamored of the concept of promise rings concede that statistically such programs simply delay sexual activity for an additional 18 months.
Now a year and a half of additional chastity is nothing to sneeze at—it buys a kid a lot of growing-up time. What it doesn’t seem to buy virginity-pledge kids, though, is personal responsibility. Even those Heritage Foundation folks Shaunti cites admit that “pledges are less likely to use contraception at initial intercourse.” So young people who have publicly renounced premarital sex by signing a pledge and putting on a ring are less likely to use birth control when they finally succumb to their hormones? Yeah, that sounds right.
Promoting self-awareness and self-protection isn’t the same as advocating promiscuity. On the other hand, an abstinence-only plan for all single people isn’t merely an unrealistic expectation; it gives strength to policies that ban access to birth control information and services for those most in need of them.
Now that’s crazy.
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Commentary
By Shaunti Feldhahn
What is wrong with this picture? Three young men, ages 16, 19 and 20, commit to respect themselves and the opposite sex enough that they’ll wait until marriage to have sex - and are mocked for it on national television.
When host Russell Brand of MTV’s VMA awards repeatedly hammered the Jonas Brothers, he made it that much more difficult for those watching to make the right choice. The natural temptations of dating are tough enough without pre-marital abstinence being derided as “crazy” instead of applauded as the healthiest and wisest choice.
Both youth and adults need to hear the overwhelming evidence that waiting until marriage is the wise choice. The Heritage Foundation looked at 21 studies and found that 16 documented positive results of forgoing, reducing, and delaying sexual activity. Some of the more obvious negative results of sex before marriage were greater risks of STD’s and out-of-wedlock childbearing. But the studies also found lowered grades, and lowered psychological and emotional well-being.
My own research backs this up. In nationally representative surveys of 15 to 20- year-olds for “For Young Men Only” and “For Young Women Only” — my books to help teen guys and girls understand the opposite sex — the young people themselves expressed a significant emotional impact of sex outside of marriage.
For example, although the guys admitted they were probably the ones pushing for sex, two-thirds also said that once they got it they began to doubt whether they could trust the girl again. And although the girls said they had some positive feelings after beginning the sexual relationship (such as greater feelings of closeness) 82 percent also began feeling insecure, clingy and possessive. Both responses arise directly from knowing that they are not in a committed marriage relationship.
And “waiting until you’re older” doesn’t fix it. In a thorough 2008 Rutgers study, Dr. David Popenoe confirmed earlier findings of the negative emotional results of adult cohabitation, most poignantly including a greater likelihood of divorce once the couple eventually gets married.
A 2004 Gallup poll found that 56 percent of teens believe “people should abstain from sex until marriage.” Prior to becoming jaded by the culture, teens recognize that just because the ideal is difficult doesn’t mean it shouldn’t remain the ideal.