AJC.com > Opinion > Woman to Woman > Archives > 2008 > February > 02
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Are We Harming Our Kids By Trying to Make Them Happy?
Shaunti Feldhahn, a right-leaning columnist, writes the commentary this week and Andrea Cornell Sarvady, a left-leaning columnist, responds.
Rebuttal
This just in: 17-year-olds romanticize relationships and can’t imagine having to ever work on one. Jaw-dropping news? I didn’t think so. Idealized views of love define youth, they’re part and parcel of that wonderful teenage blind optimism a few more years in the real world take away.
In fairness, I do agree with the foundation of what Shaunti argues here—how can I not? I’ve been happily married almost 18 years. I’m also happy to give feedback that wipes a smile off my children’s faces, all in the name of good limit setting.
Yet I hit a snag with this line: “Happiness should be a by-product of a well-lived life that includes duty, and a mind-set that finds contentment even in difficult circumstances.”
Fair enough—but who defines “duty?” What constitutes bearable “difficult circumstances?” My concern increases when I delve deeper into the particular marriage study Shaunti cites, and realize it’s connected to “Marriage Movement” head cheerleader Maggie Gallagher. If she’s defining “duty”, then I’m duty-bound to disagree.
More marriage-obsessed than the Style Network, Maggie Gallagher attributes all good things to the state of matrimony. Extremists like Gallagher are happy to lay out the Duty and Weathering Adversity Game Plan for everyone: Abstain from sex until marriage. Marry and have kids. In a bad marriage? Stick it out because it’s bound to get better. Gay? Sorry. You’re excluded from this club, and by association the keys to happiness.
In other words, the healthiest and most fulfilling lifestyle available to all of us is exactly like the one currently enjoyed by Maggie Gallagher. What a coincidence! We all need limits, no one more so than children. Yet clearly there’s a middle ground between the hedonistic 1970s California hot tub stereotype that absolutists fear (and perpetuate) and a model that recognizes that differences in circumstances, goals and generations can lead to differing approaches.
Making our kids happy should not be job number one. Yet if we know when to put the playbook down and let them make their own way, we can leave idealized fantasies behind and enter the real world together. Then, even family happiness just might have a fighting chance.
Commentary
By Shaunti Feldhahn
On a morning talk show recently with a panel of two teenagers, I listened as the hosts asked the teens, “If your parents are unhappy together, would you prefer they split up?” Both said yes - something I’d heard a surprising number of times in my own research. One 17-year-old with still-married parents said, essentially, “Why would I want them to stay together if they aren’t happy?” I glanced out into the studio audience and watched his mother’s mouth fall open in shock.
I realized how much our kids are harmed by the concept of seeking happiness and moving on if we don’t get it. Happiness should be a by-product of a well-lived life that includes duty, and a mind-set that finds contentment even in difficult circumstances. Prioritizing happiness as a goal in itself teaches kids to ditch duty when it hurts, and to go for quick-fix-happiness - which often causes later pain.
Years ago, Psychologist Walter Mischel demonstrated the powerful effects of the ability to delay gratification. Four year-olds who could resist eating a sweet in order to gain two later ended up being more successful and well-adjusted in their teen years, compared to their “happiness now” peers.
Extensive research by Dr. Connie Dawson, co-author of [ITAL] How Much is Enough?, [END ITAL] demonstrates how often “trying to make kids happy” leads to overindulgence and adult dysfunction. As she noted in an interview, “Today’s parents are confused. Many were reared to think that ‘kids should have a smile on their face.’ Baloney. That creates an over-inflated sense of self. It’s no laughing matter and not fun when they are adults having tantrums… We would probably be in far less of a financial crunch nationally today, if delaying gratification was part of our culture.”
Kids need to learn that pushing through challenges and delaying happiness has wonderful results. A Center for Marriage and Families study found that “Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later.”
My own kids are usually happy, and I want them to be! And it’s so tempting to make that my main priority. But it’s also heartening to learn that avoiding that temptation will probably make them far happier in the end.