Uh…Kari? Yeah…um, can I come into your room here for a second? Yes?…OK, good…yeah. No, no…you’re not in trouble, son. I just think we…you and I…yeah, we need to have a little one-on-one talk. Can I just sit over here in this…no, no, don’t get up…I’ll just sit right here in this chair…you stay right there.

Huh, what? No, it’s not THAT talk…it’s just that, well, I couldn’t help noticing something that happened last night during, you know, the game. Yes, yes…that’s right, the Vancouver game. See, first of all, if you look at it on the whole, you really didn’t do too terribly bad. I mean, if you simply look at the stats you did stop 26 of the 28 shots that you faced. That’s good. Oh, and while we’re at it…how about those friends of yours playing defense holding the Canucks to just 28 shots, eh? We’ve always said that anything under 30 is good, haven’t we, son? Yes…yes we have.

And since the All Star break, you’ve stopped 124 of the 130 shots taken on you. They tell me that’s a .954 SV%…and that’s really, really good too. I mean that, son.

Oh, and also…if you can go the rest of the season only giving up goals at the rate of 6 every 4 games, I’m quite sure Coach Don… or is that GM Don…or Coach/GM Don, or…oh, never mind…anyway, Don will be extremely proud of you for that. I mean, who wouldn’t like his starting goalie sporting a 1.50 GAA down the stretch, right?

So…all that is really very, very good….

But getting back to my point here…see, there was that one really critical point in the game. The score was tied…there was about nine or ten minutes left in the third period. Yeah, you know…what you and I have talked about as “crunch time”. Yes, that’s right…you remember.

OK, this is what I feel I need to talked to you about…

When the puck is floating near the goal you’re protecting…and the game is tied…and your teammates have played really hard to get a win…and then a stick come sort of near your mask…while the puck is still in play…near your goal…well…

DON’T FREAKIN’ PLAY MR. HOLLY-FRICKIN’-WOOD ACTOR AND GO DIVING ON THE ICE LOOKING FOR A PENALTY!!! THE LEAGUE HAS THAT SIDNEY CROSBY KID FOR THOSE KIND OF ANTICS, FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE…CHEVEY-FLIPPIN’-CHASE?? JUST STAY ON YOUR &%$# SKATES, BOY, AND KEEP YOUR EYES GLUED TO THE PUCK!!!

Oh, no…don’t you start showing me that pouty-lip, my friend!!! You need to hear this!!!

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AN HOLY, SON…WHAT WERE YOU THINKIN’???? THAT’S IT…YOU WEREN’T THINKING, WERE YOU??

Don’t you roll your eyes at me young man…you DON’T want to go THERE!

By the way…do you know that IT WASN’T EVEN THE STICK OF A VANCOUVER PLAYER??? NO…YA DIDN’T, DIDJA?? NO…it was that PERRIN KID, I believe…

AAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHHHHH!!!!! What am I gonna DO WITH YOU, boy?

You’ve got such great potential!!! You have been given this incredible God-given talent…BUT YOU JUST SEEM TO GO OFF INTO YOUR OWN PRIVATE IDAHO…and ALWAYS at the WORST of times!!

I’m about ready to tell those nice people who made that VERY COOL new mask for you to JUST KEEP THE %#$@& THING!!!

Ah…ah…ah…don’t you give me that look, mister! This is for your own good!

No, I’m not going to ground you…but I have NO IDEA what Coach, er, GM, er..ah, WHATEVER….no idea what Don is going to do with you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he puts you in a BIG TIME-OUT while that Moose boy plays Saturday! Me? I’d put your butt back out there and MAKE YOU WORK YOUR WAY BACK INTO MY GOOD GRACES!!! But that’s just me!

Anyway…I’m finished here. Now, you just sit there and think about what we have discussed. Oh, and let’s keep the Lil’ Jon down to a minimum volume, OK?

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