AJC > Sports > Columnists > Archives > 2007 > November > 22
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Feds’ doghouse nicer than Gailey’s
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
Burrrrrp. ‘Scuse me. The fourth dessert and the seat cushion did it. So now I know what it must feel like to be a young orphan from the Congo who just had his head gnawed off by a raptor while the rest of his poor little body was decomposing from the inside out because he mistook plutonium for a Snickers. At least, so says my dietician, Nick Saban.
Anyway, not to overstate things. But, like, I’m great. After a slow start this fiscal season, the Weekend Predictions Investment Team, Catfish and Such is 14-6-1 against the spread in the last two weeks, providing members with substantial wealth for this holiday season, or maybe to sleep in a government doghouse.
Maybe you missed it. Michael Vick received a bill this week for $928,000, which the U.S. government says is what it cost to take care of 48 rescued doggies.
Question: What Ritz were they staying at?
The feds’ bill comes to $19,333.33 per dog, which I found hard to believe, because room service kibble isn’t that expensive and even special late-night entertainment productions like, “Every Which Way She Barks” and “Best Little Kennel Club in Westminster,” which appear discreetly on your hotel bill, can be bought at a discount as an all-day package.
Or, so I hear.
I’m not about to testify for the defense, but this is no time to trust the same government that charges us $29 for a roll of toilet paper, which as Saban says allows us to relate to anybody who ever lost their job, their wife, their pension and had a piano fall on their head in a span of seven minutes.
Which leads me to Chan Gailey: He still has a job, a wife and a pension. But he might want to look up every once in a while Saturday.
Gailey is 0-5 against Georgia and is facing a coach, Mark Richt, who is 6-0 against Tech. Nothing in recent weeks would lead you to believe a change in fortunes is forthcoming. And I think Dan Radakovich just pushed a large object out the window.
This is a rivalry game. Upsets happen. A narrow point-spread notwithstanding, this one would be a monster.
But: Just. Don’t. See it.
Room service: Send up a lock. Georgia covers 3-1/2.
Rivalry Value Menu
(For a complete meal, add a bad Saban analogy for 99 cents.)
• Iron (Deficiency) Bowl: Alabama loses to Louisiana-Monroe and Nick Saban starts babbling something about coming back from
9/11, Pearl Harbor and alcoholism. Somehow he skipped Alabama coming back from the greatest catastrophe of all: Nick Saban. This would make four straight losses. Wow. He really did take them to another level. Auburn covers 6.
• La-Monroe at La-Lafayette: Unfortunately the WarHawks’ soft non-conference schedule is over. Back to the grind of the Sun Belt. (No pick. Just wanted to get that in.)
• Tennessee at Kentucky: The Vowels have won four straight since losing to Bammy, so the good news for Saban is at least he resurrected one team. Tennessee has dropped Kentucky 22 straight. The Wildcats have gone south (2-4) since a fast start (5-0). But the SEC hasn’t made sense all year so why start now. Cats do Dogs a favor: win and cover 3.
• Florida State at Florida: The Gators have scored 159 points in three games since losing to Georgia. The Seminoles used to score like that. Anybody notice that Jimbo Fisher’s offense is scoring fewer points per game than Jeff Bowden’s? Gators cover 14.
• Old Ms. at Missy State: This is known as “The Egg Bowl” because, and I’m not making this up, everybody thinks the trophy looks more like an egg than a football. Further confirmation that they just don’t get out much in Starkville and “Oxford.” Other Dogs cover 6 1/2.
• Arkansas at LSU: Asked about taking the Michigan job, Les Miles said: “I’m completely focused on this place and this team. I want to stay just where I’m at. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to envision it.” In other words, he’s taking the Michigan job. Tigers win, but take the Piggies and 12.
• Clemson at South Carolina: Steve Spurrier said this week, “Our attitude stinks,” felt bad, then corrected himself a few days later, saying: “I meant to say that our effort level is what stinks.” OK, I’ll bite: What’s the difference? Clemson covers the 2 1/2.
• Duke at North Carolina: This week’s Perception Over Reality Award goes to Butch Davis. The Tar Heels are 3-8, Davis received a $291,000 raise and an extension through 2014. Somebody’s channeling Dave Braine. Carolina covers the 14.
• Miami at Boston College: Used to be known as Catholics vs. Convicts. But if Miami players tried to rob a liquor store now, they’d run into a lamppost. The Hurricanes have been outscored 92-14 in the last two weeks by the state of Virginia. Another big day for the Falcons’ next quarterback, Matt Ryan: Eagles cover 141/2.
Permalink | Comments (42) | Categories: Falcons / NFL, Jeff Schultz, Tech / ACC, UGA / SEC
