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Thursday, September 20, 2007
Weekend predictions: Alabama looks fishy
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
While the Georgia football team held top-secret practices this week because, as it turns out, that’s why they couldn’t knock anybody over in the South Carolina game, “Science” magazine reported some really shocking news last week.
Researchers at Tokyo University, which also can’t knock anybody over and yet somehow has eluded the SEC as a non-conference opponent, secretly used salmon as surrogate parents to hatch baby trout. This is a major scientific breakthrough, and great news for researchers in Flowery Branch, where they’re attempting to cross two cast-off quarterbacks in hopes of hatching season-ticket renewals. But I digest.
The Japanese scientists injected sperm-growing cells from rainbow trout into sterile Masu salmon, who, I’m guessing, were about to go the adoption route.
Which leads me back to our little Trembling Chihuahuas. They had closed practices this week. With any luck, they were held in Tokyo, because they need to be injected with a new personality.
They looked weak against South Carolina. They didn’t look much better against Western Carolina, which largely exists to make you look good.
Alabama is 3-0 under Nick Saban, who I’m fairly certain is the tragic result of crossing Pinocchio with snake sperm. He is a disciple of Bill Belichick. So you can understand why Mark Richt would suddenly be concerned about his practice turning into a YouTube production.
Nothing secret about the game: It’s ESPN’s GameDay.
But the result? Shocking! Salmon spawning trout! Dogs and Blocks, living together!
Take the 3 1/2. But the world learns: Bowsers in an upset.
Pros, Lies and Videotape
Panthers at Falcons: I don’t know why the Falcons wouldn’t let Byron Leftwich wear No. 7. Seems to me it would’ve been a great way to clear some inventory in the gift shop. Joey Harrington is a really a nice guy, but that’s not a warm embrace he’s about to feel. Carolina covers 4.
Chargers at Packers: Marty Schottenheimer got fired because he went 14-2 and lost to New England by a field goal in the playoffs. Norv Turner is 1-1 and just got drilled by the Patriots on national TV 38-14. As a head coach, he’s a pillow in Tombstone. But: Methinks L.T. goes nutso this game: Chargers win and cover the 41/2.
Lions at McNabb: Let me say that I believe I’m being edited differently because I’m not Presbyterian. Eagles win, but take Detroit and 6 1/2.
Colts at Texans: Matt Schaub is 2-0. I know, but it’s market correction week in Houston: Colts cover 6.
Bills at Patriots: Roger Goodell didn’t suspend Belichick and took some heat. So now he’s backtracking and wants to see more videotapes. What next, dust for prints? You’ve got a better chance still finding somebody on the grassy knoll. Pats win, but I invoke the NFL/two-TD rule: Take the Bills and 16 1/2.
Titans at Saints: Is it just me or was Reggie Bush better when he was lying about his parents living illegally in a free house? Saints cover 41/2.
Semi-pros, Lies and Videotape
Yech again: It’s one thing to lose to Boston College. It’s another to get completely waxed on your home field (total yardage: 527-267?) by a team you were favored to beat. But then it wouldn’t be a Chan Gailey team if it all made sense. Lose at Virginia, and the Clemson game suddenly becomes the plug in the drain. Tech covers 3.
Florida at Mississippi: Something you may not know: The Gators have lost three straight games in Mississippi. I figure this will go down in history, like the fact Custer actually ducked a few arrows. Florida covers 23.
Poultry at LSU: Steve Spurrier said this week, “I don’t want our guys to go down there with false belief that we have a great chance to win this game.” Know the difference between that and the doomsday talk of Georgia week? This time he’s right. If they don’t hyperventilate, Tigers cover 16 1/2.
Arkansas State at Tennessee: The Vowels ran for 37 yards in Gainesville. Now, if Phil Fulmer actually ran 37 yards, that would be something. (Thank you. Try the veal.) Tennessee wins, but the line’s too big. Hey, 19 (and a half), we can dance together.
Kentucky at Arkansas: If Rich Brooks wants another contract extension, he had better push for it soon because Andre Woodson’s leaving in January. Kentucky 3-0? And they haven’t even played Georgia yet! Enough: Arkansas covers 6 1/2.
PROFIT MARGIN
In summation: Slimski
Last week: 7-4 straight up, 5-4-2 against the line
Quarterly report: 20-9 straight up, 16-10-3 against the line
(Totals have been adjusted to reflect a loss erroneously credited to win total last week, thanks to alert readers who clearly have no life, no job and no purpose other than to give me grief, which is amazing considering we’re not related. Also, as clarification spread “pushes” are credited as ties, because, dude, I’m not Vito the Bookie and that’s the way they do it in Vegas, less the “juice.” )
Permalink | Comments (147) | Categories: Falcons / NFL, Jeff Schultz, Tech / ACC, UGA / SEC
I think I was right last time
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Mark Bradley
Time once more for one of those “I think” things. I think you’ll find this to be the best ever. If you don’t, I think you’re wrong.
I think Byron Leftwich will be starting within a month.
I think Georgia is man enough.
I think Matt Ryan is the best passing college quarterback I’ve ever seen in person. (Note that I didn’t say the best quarterback per se: I’ve also seen Archie and Peyton Manning, Charlie Ward, Matt Leinart and Vince Young. They were pretty good, too.)
I think the Hawks will make the playoffs.
I think the Thrashers will make the playoffs.
I think the Falcons will … not make the playoffs. (Had you going, didn’t I?)
I think Jon Tenuta is slightly overrated.
I think Willie Martinez is more than slightly underrated.
I think the Braves would give a lot of money to have Adam Wainwright back.
I think it’d be funny if the Mets didn’t win their division and the Yankees won theirs. And I don’t care much for the Yankees.
I think Charlie Weis has gotten more money out of a close loss — Southern Cal 2005 — than any coach in the history of sports.
I think Andruw Jones, who’ll want upwards of $18 million, deserves closer to $8 million. Call that a Weis-sized gap.
I think Auburn is looking at six losses.
I think Louisville misses Bobby Petrino, and vice versa.
I think the Angels and Padres will reach the World Series.
I think, therefore I’m done.
Permalink | Comments (36) | Categories: Quick Hit
