AJC > Sports > Columnists > Archives > 2007 > September > 06 > Entry
DEL.ICIO.USSay cheese! It’s NFL Week 1!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
After too much Pacman, Tank and Ookie, record suspensions and the first opening of an NFL Properties store in Leavenworth, the NFL season begins in earnest Sunday for all remaining law-abiding players, or at least those on parole.
The stress of this offseason clearly has become too much for fans, as evidenced by an incident this week in Des Moines, Iowa, when, and I’m not making this up, a father charged his son with assault after having a bag of Cheetos thrown in his face.
Patrick Hamman threw the bag with such accuracy and force, according to The Associated Press, that it hit his father’s glasses and caused a cut on the bridge of Michael Hamman’s nose. The police report said, “Michael’s T-shirt was also covered in Cheeto dust.”
Patrick later admitted he was on methamphetamine at the time of the argument. Fortunately, that’s not considered a significant violation these days in the NFL, and several teams immediately requested film of the throw.
Which leads us to: Joey Harrington vs. Tarvaris Jackson. My kingdom for a Cheetos bag. One team will win. The other will get Brian Brohm.
Actually, with new coach Bobby Petrino, the Falcons might have fewer problems on offense than defense, where the line is suspect and the secondary includes Jimmy Williams, who’s still looking for a position, and maybe a career.
Two bad teams. Take the one getting points: Falcons and three.
In fact, let’s call an upset. But duck.
Faber College (where Knowledge is Good)
— Brand X at Georgia: Ever buy those one of those plain-wrap products? Looks the same, don’t taste the same. Then you have to go home and argue with your kid for 17 hours and yell, “Froot Oops are just as good! Now shut up and eat!” See, that’s what Steve Spurrier has become. Looks the same, sometimes acts the same. But where’s the bravado, the gloating, the wins? Since leaving Florida, he’s become a generic. He’s a box of “Spur-E-Ar’s!” The Redskins beat him down. At least that made for a shorter fall to South Carolina. This week, the Gamecocks come to Athens. The line is 4. Somebody’s still worrying too much. Doggies cover.
— Samford at Tech: Chan Gailey teams don’t come with guarantees against softies. But let’s just say Appalachian State is the best thing that could’ve happened to Tech players who might otherwise be overdosing on Irish Spring. No line. But let’s say Jackets by two touchdowns.
— Alabama at Vanderbilt: Despite the hiring of Nick Saban, Vandy has climbed two points to only 3 1/2-point underdogs. Gee, I guess everybody didn’t get the memo. Roll-over, Tide? Tempting. But no. Bammy covers.
— Southern Ms. at Tennessee: Vowels running back LaMarcus Coker is back after being suspended for “a medical condition.” Hey, we can all relate. Back in college days, I once mixed Flintstone chewables with Welch’s grape juice and, like, I saw God. A “medical condition” also once led me to eat two cheeseburgers, three bags of Doritos, nine Reese’s and a shoe in a span of 20 minutes. Come to think of it, it’s been way too long since I’ve had “a medical condition.” OK. Where was I? Oh yeah, Tennessee covers 10 1/2.
— Notre Damaged at Penn State: What would they have done to Ty Willingham if he had coached the worst opening-game loss in Notre Dame history? Fortunately, Charlie Weis looks the part. This should be enough to make Joe Paterno feel 90 again. Lions cover 17.
NFL Six-Pack
(I drank one)
— Philly at Green Bay: This will be the 34th meeting between Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb, dating back to the Yalta Conference. Winner gets an artificial knee. Eagles cover 3.
— Bears at Chargers: San Diego fired Marty Schottenheimer, who went 14-2, and replaced him with Norv Turner, who has a career head-coaching record of 58-82-1. We’re all still waiting for the punchline. Fortunately, there’s Rex Grossman. Chargers cover 6.
— Dolphins at Redskins: Mark Brunell has been demoted to third string, which wouldn’t be so bad if anybody could name the first two. I’m feelin’ Miami and 3 on the road.
— Giants at Cowboys: I’m guessing both teams would be in favor of calling off the game in favor of a public stoning of Tiki Barber. Meanwhile, how does the Wade Phillips/Tony Romo duo rate in Dallas lore? Gimme the Giants and 5 1/2 (but Dallas straight up).
Lions at Raiders: Detroit’s stock has never been higher, which immediately tells you it’s still September. But I’ll bite: Take the gift 2 1/2, but Lions win it straight up.
Permalink | Comments (53) | Post your comment | Categories: Falcons / NFL, Jeff Schultz, Tech / ACC, UGA / SEC
Comments
By Matthew
September 6, 2007 10:43 PM | Link to this
Rough weekend for the Redskins with a prediction for two losses.
Sheesh.
By Ryder
September 6, 2007 10:44 PM | Link to this
Schultz, while I can tolerate the occasional attempts at humor, it would be better if you could name the correct teams. Lions are playing the Raiders. By the way, Atlanta will take Minnesota once again in the Metrodome, bringing back memories of the greatest moment in Falcons history (no not the day when Vick declared guilty).
By Rick
September 6, 2007 10:48 PM | Link to this
That was good
By Rowndman
September 6, 2007 11:20 PM | Link to this
Jeff,
Love your column. The Falcons have a lot of story lines to cover this year. Harrington, Petrino, etc. Should be interesting to watch them play. Why do you think the d-line needs work? Grady Jackson is a specimen….
By Shamus Thacker
September 6, 2007 11:48 PM | Link to this
Grady is one of my favorites. He and Coleman are quite a tandem when healthy.
If the D-Line stays healthy, (Abraham, in particular, makes the chances of that look slim), it’s actually one of their major strengths…
Grady has more agility than any man I’ve seen of his stature. Bet he can put away a few hot-wings… lol
By Shamus Thacker
September 6, 2007 11:53 PM | Link to this
Ryder, you talkin bout the General Bob Lee to Eddie Ray fling??
By Jarrodmon
September 7, 2007 12:29 AM | Link to this
Harrington’s job will be to stay in the pocket and not lose games. I’ll bet he pulls it off in this one.
By daddio
September 7, 2007 1:15 AM | Link to this
A talented writer should be able to move on to bigger and better news. Give us something new, instead of the same ole bull crap! By the way, never ever did I say that you were skilled in your craft. What are you, 8th on the depth chart at the AJC?
By Volman
September 7, 2007 1:29 AM | Link to this
Go to hell, Schultz.
By yayyyyyy
September 7, 2007 5:22 AM | Link to this
yyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!
By Chuck
September 7, 2007 5:57 AM | Link to this
Schlitz, the Lions are at the Raiders, Dummy. And they are getting the points so you can’t take the gift 2.5 but Lions still win straight up.
By Curt Moore
September 7, 2007 7:33 AM | Link to this
Redskins are going to have a busy day.
By MidnightRambler
September 7, 2007 7:50 AM | Link to this
Jeff Schultz is a funny guy, but I don’t think he needs a medical condition to eat two cheeseburgers, three bags of doritos, nine Reese’s and a shoe filled with Froot Oops.
By Joe in SAV
September 7, 2007 7:53 AM | Link to this
Best column of the week! I look forward to next Friday now. Thanks Jeff.
BTW, the same people complain every Friday about it. Ya know what it’s about. Why read it if your trying to get some in-depth football coverage. Its funny, laugh, haha, not hard to do.
By Joe in SAV
September 7, 2007 7:54 AM | Link to this
Best column of the week! I look forward to next Friday now. Thanks Jeff.
BTW, the same people complain every Friday about it. Ya know what it’s about. Why read it if your trying to get some in-depth football coverage. Its funny, laugh, haha, not hard to do.
By The Rocket Surgeon
September 7, 2007 9:06 AM | Link to this
Folks, you can bet the farm on it:
The Falcons WILL beat the Vikings, and they will do it rather handily.
Why? Well, since you asked …
No. 1 - The Falcons lost Michael Vick. They didn’t lose Tom Brady or Peyton Manning.
No. 2 - Joey Harrington isn’t nearly as bad as many people have made him out to be. And he beat the Vikings last year, when his record with the Dolphins was a Vick-like 5-6.
No. 3 - Even without Vick, the Falcons will still have a better-than-average running game. Look for Norwood to have a breakout season.
No. 4 - For all intents and purposes, the Vikings are starting a rookie QB. T. Jackson is incredibly raw, and needs two or three more years before he will become even an adequate pro QB.
No. 5 - To make matters worse for Jackson, the Vikings may have the most horrible group of receivers in the NFL. When your “go to” guy is Bobby Wade, you know you’re in trouble.
Add all of that up, and what do you get? A 27-16 win for the Falcons.
By Jim P.
September 7, 2007 9:27 AM | Link to this
I think eveyone is underestimating the Falcons. I see a 24 10 win
By robodog
September 7, 2007 9:47 AM | Link to this
Hey Jeff, like the college picks, but you shied away from quite a few. Auburn-S Florida? Oregon-Michigan? Miami-Oklahoma? TCU-Texas? Nebraska-Wake?
Va Tech-LSU?!!
Don’t get soft on us!
By BUSHWACKER
September 7, 2007 9:53 AM | Link to this
I bet behind closed doors PETRINO is down giddy!! He does not have to play a quarterback who’s simply too stupid to run his offense. He can put in the guy who I guarantee he’d rather have running his team once he found out the same thing Coach Reeves and Jim Mora found out,that they had to simplify the game plan because Vick is as dumb as rock, and don’t mean the rock he smokes!! I beleive we have a better chance to win without Vick, because we now have a real quarterback who can read defenses, do his check downs and find an open reciever.
YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST,
The Saints wwere exposed last night, anyone who tyhinks that team is going to the Super Bowl is crazy. Tampa sucks, Carolina has always been overrated, the Falcons win the division with ease!!!!
By Gen Neyland
September 7, 2007 10:11 AM | Link to this
Jeffy
You humbled me last weekend with the tree huggers. Can’t find much to disagree with you on week 2…But I gotta wonder if you stooped so low as to pick the Vols to cover, is that a bad omen for the Orange and White..?
By KrisG
September 7, 2007 10:15 AM | Link to this
I hope I’m wrong, but I’m going to say it anyway.
I think you guys putting your faith in Joey Harrington are in for a cold dose of reality. These are the Falcons. Last time, it was Doug Johnson… For me, it was Byron Hanspard.
Go ahead, keep celebrating how dogs died because you’re finally rid of Vick. Keep injecting more unrelated crimes into the man’s repertoire (crack smoking now?). At BEST, absolute BEST we go 7-9 with a better coaching staff and no adjustment time. I’m predicting 3-4 wins.
And I will GLADLY eat any crow Joey Harrington cares to put on my plate.
By Keeping IT
September 7, 2007 10:21 AM | Link to this
Jeff you are no good . Love Vick And the Falcons. We will see how kangroo man does Joey. will not hate Joey like Jeff and the haters hated Vick.
By Kevin
September 7, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this
No offense to the Falcons but I think the media is severely downplaying the Vikings. They have a very raw but incredibly mobile QB who has a rocket for an arn. Chester Taylor is a top RB with Adrian Peterson sharing the load. Their O-line is huge anchored by three probowlers in McKinnie,Birk, and Hutchinson. The receiving core is lacking big names and is a huge question. The defese is top 5. They are very good against the run. Last year they nearly broke the NFL record for fewest rushing yards allowed in a season. Special teams are bad so far. Harrington beat the Vikes in Miami. He has been killed 5 times in the dome. It will be close but the Vikes are not the pushovers the national media is portraying. I wish the Falcon fans a good season as you deserve it after the Vick affair. We suffered to with Moss in the media and our boat scandal. It is not fun. Skol Vikings! A Viking fan in Atlanta.
By JP
September 7, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this
I believe the loss of Vick could in fact be a blessing in disguise. First,you bring in a true offensive guy who in turn brings with him great teachers. The loss of Vick has made the team work real hard to become a team and concentrate on the philosophies that has been brought in. Secondly, it has bought attention to animal cruelty issues. Third case, I think that Vick’s only real problem was that he was not yet mature. This I think will and has already helped him to grow. Saving animals, saving a man/athlete and saving a team through forced comraderie, a true blessing in disguised. BTW, BUSHWACKER, I did not see you at Rednecks Anonymous last night, what happened?
By BUSHWACKER
September 7, 2007 10:51 AM | Link to this
I am damn proud to be redncek form Georgia!!!
By BUSHWACKER
September 7, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this
If speaking the truth about Vick’s intelligence makes me a redneck so be it!
That does not mean I am a bad person.
You on the other hand calling me a redneck for no other reason than speaking the truth seems to make you a RACIST!!!!
By Howard
September 7, 2007 11:00 AM | Link to this
Jeff..your fall masterpieces on Friday are too short…hell, they should give you pages to run down the games in college and NFL. You are in your element when you pick apart those games…eps. Tennessee and Notre Dame. Could you imagine paying the food bill for Phil Fulmer and Charlie Weis for a month?? Oh, did fat Charlie get gastric by-pass??Looks like it flopped a bit…huh?? Well, maybe a lot! And pray tell me just how do all these retread, born loser white guys like Norv Turner keep getting chance after chance to coach NFL teams??? They’re terrible…oh, well I guess San Diego figured they had so much talent they could win despite the coach. And don’t sell the “Evil Genius” short this weekend in Athens.
By Billy
September 7, 2007 11:16 AM | Link to this
Some of the better days in Falcon football vs the trash we have seen lately around here!!!
By JP
September 7, 2007 11:22 AM | Link to this
Far as I can tell, you never taught Vick so you are giving an opinion of Vick’s intelligence not speaking truth. However, I based my opinion (not factor truth, and I do appologize) on the mere fact that I have read your comments on numerous blogs on the ajc and it has a racist overtone to it. However, I may in fact be like you but only from a different state. That said, there is nothing wrong with being a redneck, just wrong being an ingnorant redneck. So you dont get ahead of yourself, I didnt say that you are as noted in my apology but dont consider me a racist for a joke gone bad.
By sharon
September 7, 2007 12:06 PM | Link to this
I agree with KrisG
By Gen Neyland
September 7, 2007 12:14 PM | Link to this
Howard
After reading your words to Jeffy, I get the impression you have his photo hanging over your bed…
By Chris
September 7, 2007 12:21 PM | Link to this
Jeff, a good old-fashioned “medical condition” is good for you every once in a while. You might want to visit your local herbary. It’ll make watching the Falcons easier this year (except for when you see 2 Jerious Norwoods streaking down the sideline, and yell, “Which one is real?! Ah, screw it. More Doritos, please.”
By Truthman
September 7, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this
If any of you Mike Vick haters out there voted for that idiot/murderer of a prez, W, you have helped kill more than 3,700 American servicemembers.
Maybe y’all should lock yourselves up along with Vick and stop casting stones.
Oh…and Go Dawgs
By Truthman
September 7, 2007 12:28 PM | Link to this
Hey Jeff,
I beleive J.R. Rider could help you with that “medical condition.”
For that matter, so could W!
By Chris
September 7, 2007 12:46 PM | Link to this
Truthman, take your nonsense to some political blog, retard.
By Chris
September 7, 2007 12:53 PM | Link to this
Truthman, I thought for about half a scond of responding to your idiocy with some type of rebuttal. Then I realized that people like you can not have a discussion or a debate. You are a base life form and the lowest rung on the societal and intellectual ladders. Go start a peace camp or something with Cindy Sheehan, but leave George Bush out of the damn Weekend Predictions. Seriously, man.
By NotSchultz
September 7, 2007 1:04 PM | Link to this
I prayed to the football gods and they told me to go opposite of whatever Shultz says. Sorta like what hard-working, intelligent readers of the AJC’s editorial page do to the editor’s ramblings. So, I sacrificed a #7 jersey to the football gods in hopes the Falcons won’t get totally blown out. Tarvaris Jackson will probably be a household name on Monday morning. Offensive Player Of The Week. SportsCenter Top Ten Plays highlight. Black Gold. Texas Tea. Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?
By Truthman
September 7, 2007 1:21 PM | Link to this
Chris,
Thanks for reading me!
Obviously, you have never served.
By Chris
September 7, 2007 1:27 PM | Link to this
NotSchultz, you should check Jeff’s record last season. If I remember correctly, it was really, really good. Dude might help you pad your bank account a bit if you follow his advice.
Disclaimer: author does not promote gambling on sporting events. Unless it’s dogfighting. Cause we’ve all been told that it is a sport(thanks Stephon), and apparently acceptable in certain neighborhoods (thanks Whoopi).
By Chris
September 7, 2007 1:41 PM | Link to this
I served your mom at the crack house last week. Go away.
By Chris
September 7, 2007 1:47 PM | Link to this
Listen, if you’re trying to have some sort of political debate take it elsewhere. But I’m guessing debate with a brain-dead moron is probably impossible. You’ll never get someone who tries to equate Michael Vick running a criminal dogfighting ring for 6+ years with American soldiers dying overseas to see any kind of sense or logic. Therefore, your attempts at trying to force political discussion on a sports blog shall be fruitless. But keep trying if you like. It’s funny watching an animal chase its own tail.
By Truthman
September 7, 2007 2:04 PM | Link to this
Goodness, for not answering me, you sure are answering me.
You might want to come over as I seem to have your goat!!
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!!
Oh…and Go Dawgs!
By Vick Supporter
September 7, 2007 2:11 PM | Link to this
No Vick = losing season
By Turdman
September 7, 2007 2:18 PM | Link to this
Hi, my name us truthman, I hate bush, blah blah blah,
bush is awful, blah blah blah
I do however like that stuff that is opposite of bush, which is why I watch football. I don’t play, however I am a wide receiver.
Now can we get back to sports and leave politics out?
I didn’t think so, truthman is too hurt and insane to make sense.
By Chris
September 7, 2007 2:18 PM | Link to this
Can you point me toward the post where I said I wouldn’t answer you? Please, I’d love to see it.
I said I wouldn’t respond to your idiocy with a rebuttal. You do know what a rebuttal is, don’t you? It is an act of refuting a particular statement or position. I did not attempt to refute your position; I simply called you names and told you to go away.
So, genius, have fun with that goat. Just remember that the things you are doing with it are illegal in Georgia. UGA fan, indeed.
By Turdman
September 7, 2007 2:22 PM | Link to this
Vick Supporter What is there to support, he pled guilty because he is. And the Falcons haven’t had winning seasons with him as the leader so your comment makes as much sense as saying
No Reeves = selling hot dogs at the Dome. The second part is true regardless of the first part. You would have trouble on the SAT.
By Truthman
September 7, 2007 2:30 PM | Link to this
Chris,
Your 12:53 post!
Checkmate!
OK, here’s some sports news.
The Falcons will stink because this is Atlanta and we don’t have pro football in Atlanta.
Tech is better than it has been since Joe Hamilton, but will still lose to Matt Stafford and UGA.
Tennessee will be it’s typical schizo self (lose games it should win and win games it should lose).
Cal wins PAC-10 Rutgers wins Big East OSU-Wisconsin will be the big game in the Big-10 this year.
Florida ain’t all that! Neither is LSu
By Truthman
September 7, 2007 2:31 PM | Link to this
Chris,
Your 12:53 post!
Checkmate!
OK, here’s some sports news.
The Falcons will stink because this is Atlanta and we don’t have pro football in Atlanta.
Tech is better than it has been since Joe Hamilton, but will still lose to Matt Stafford and UGA.
Tennessee will be it’s typical schizo self (lose games it should win and win games it should lose).
Cal wins PAC-10 Rutgers wins Big East OSU-Wisconsin will be the big game in the Big-10 this year.
Florida ain’t all that! Neither is LSU.
By NotSchultz
September 7, 2007 2:31 PM | Link to this
Hey Chris, I was trying to remember Schultz’s record and all I could recollect was his abysmal meltdown predicting Falcons games towards the last half of last year. BUT, it was some darn entertaining reading. And don’t we all pay to be entertained? Hey, I’m a long time suffering fan, so pessimism with this franchise has been ingrained in me. The glass is half empty, until it is half full. Sunday I’ll have my fingers crossed, but it’s sorta like watching Courtney Love getting drunk… it starts out pretty good but then gets downright unbearable to watch after awhile.
By Turdman
September 7, 2007 3:27 PM | Link to this
Truthman you ignorant slut
Saying checkmate does not make it so, but keep repeating it to yourself as you click your high heels if that makes you feel better.
Here is your idiotic logic, people who “blindly” follow Bush are refuse to face reality. People, like {Truthman} who blindly support UGA are geniuses who history will one day recognize.
Does that sum it up? Actually, who the he!! cares about your answer, dimwit.
By Sonny Perdue
September 7, 2007 4:49 PM | Link to this
I hate BLACKS * I love WHITES* * I am not afraid to say go back to Africa and play your sports* WAKE up WHITE people we are under attack blacks only defend other blacks regardless of the crime, then when they are called on it they like to talk about Bush or Scooter Libby. neither one of them broke any laws like your BLACK idol M conVICK. 88
By Rod
September 7, 2007 6:16 PM | Link to this
I hear the Judge may just put Vick under house arest for 6 months because of the remorse he showed and it being his first offense. I hear he wants to here from Frank Beamer and Dan Reeves first though. I also here the Washington Redskins really want Vick when he becomes available.
By lol
September 7, 2007 7:55 PM | Link to this
This is funny as hell!!! Oh, maybe because I currently have a medical condition.