AJC > Sports > Columnists > Archives > 2006 > December > 30 > Entry
DEL.ICIO.USNew Year forecast
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
JANUARY
• Front page: In the most unpopular move of his tenure, or at least since the crushed red velvet jacket he wore two weeks ago, Arthur Blank announces he will keep Jim Mora for one more season. Greg Knapp and Ed Donatell are not fired but are found to be missing. A team spokesman refers all questions to the Hall County Sheriff’s Department, which in a reflex response says only that Rod Coleman did not hit the deer and further comment will be made after their next exchange of faxes with Flowery Branch.
• Inside: Florida loses to Ohio State in the BCS title game but is awarded the championship because BCS voters felt it was time for a fresh face. … Mark McGwire fails to gain enough Hall of Fame votes but is under consideration at Fernbank. … The Hawks hold Joe Johnson Team USA Collectible Statue night, and in a surprise move starts one at point guard.
FEBRUARY
• Front page: After six seasons of NHL futility, the Thrashers continue their amazing run and go 7-2-3 in February to open a comfortable lead in the Southeast Division. The Atlanta Spirit release a statement crediting the franchise’s turnaround to their guidance and strong ownership. Two days later, a car carrying owners and attorneys simultaneously runs out of gas on the way to court. Steve Belkin wins a judgment by default.
• Inside: The Eagles win the Super Bowl with Jeff Garcia, while Donovan McNabb watches. Rush Limbaugh’s ratings spike. … Evander Holyfield announces that because of diminishing skills and financial losses in his recent pay-per-view fight, he will fight only until he’s 62.
MARCH
• Front page: On the one-year anniversary of his hiring by Major League Baseball, former U.S. senator George Mitchell holds a news conference to announce that while he couldn’t compel any player to testify about steroids, he frequently watches SportsCenter and stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night, and he suspects somebody may have cheated.
• Inside: UCLA, Ohio State, UConn and Butler reach the Final Four in Atlanta, ensuring a non-ACC champ for the fifth time in six years. Mike Krzyzewski secedes from the conference. … The Braves report to spring training with 29 potential relievers. Burger King officials scout the games and await cuts. … Chris Paul and Deron Williams are running second-third in NBA assists. Billy Knight’s reaction, “I laugh at lesser beings.”
APRIL
• Front page: In his first state-of-the-Masters news conference as the new chairman of Augusta National, Billy Payne says he has extended an invitation to Sandra Day O’Connor to become the club’s first female member. The former Supreme Court Justice accepts the invitation but resigns when she’s asked to drop off some dry cleaning.
• Inside: Phil Mickelson wins the Masters and says he’s ready to challenge Tiger for golf supremacy, but nobody believes him this time. … The Thrashers defeat Ottawa in the first-round of the playoffs. Dany Heatley asks to be traded.
MAY
• Front page: Hoping for the consensus No. 1 pick, Ohio State center Greg Oden, the Hawks lose the draft lottery and will select seventh. But the second player on their board falls to them next month: Rumeal John-Paul Arvedas Koncakis, a 6-foot-9 swingman from a small fishing village in Montenegro.
• Inside: Barry Bonds ends the month with seven home runs on the season, giving him 741, but is put on the disabled list when his head explodes. Giants fans blame the media. … A horse wins the Triple Crown, then complains that Barbaro has been getting all the chicks “since his little injury.”
JUNE
• Front page: Twenty-seven weeks after being told by Nick Saban to hang on for a second while he switches to a phone in the other room, Alabama AD Mal Moore passes out and falls face first in his Bear Bryant chip bowl. The school then names Mike Price as its new football coach. Price asks if anybody can change a $50 for some singles.
• Inside: The Braves go .500 in June and stand 8-1/2 games behind the Mets in the NL East. Schuerholz cannot be reached for comment at a book signing. … Roger Federer, coming off three Grand Slams in 2006, wins Wimbledon. He spends two weeks in New York without being recognized, until somebody tells him he looks like that guy in “Goldfinger.”
JULY
• Front page: The French fume as an American is again declared the winner of the Tour de France. It’s Billy Moskowitz, a 9-year-old from Bemidji, Minn., riding a 1972 Schwinn Stingray. The remainder of the field tests positive for performance-enhancing substances. Despite protests, officials from laboratories in Spain, France and Switzerland vow to uphold test results, just as soon as they can remember where they put them.
• Inside: The Falcons open camp with new offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave. … Musgrave says he plans to bring a new wrinkle called the “screen pass” to the offense. Also, electricity and indoor plumbing. … Baseball’s All-Star Game is held in San Francisco, home of BALCO. George Mitchell can’t get a ticket.
AUGUST
• Front page: Eighteen months after announcing it was close to a stock swap with Liberty Media that would complete a sale of the Braves, Time-Warner announces that the deal has fallen apart and the team is back on the market. John Schuerholz assures everybody that the news will not affect him at the trade deadline. But he then makes only one move, acquiring reliever Orlando Jiminez, who had been let go in camp and then picked up by Burger King.
• Inside: Blank asks Bobby Cox if he would have any trouble with him coming down to the dugout for the last two innings. … The U.S. loses to Uruguay in the FIBA Americas Olympic qualifying tournament. Joe Johnson is strapped to a gurney and carried off the court in the fourth quarter, mumbling something about Josh Smith and 3-point attempts.
SEPTEMBER
• Front page: With no Reggie Ball but also no Calvin Johnson, Georgia Tech opens its season at Notre Dame, losing 27-13, giving Chan Gailey four straight losses going back to last season. The loss reignites the “Can Chan” cries from Tech fans. But school officials say buying out Gailey’s previously extended contract would force them to cut costs in the Academic Oversight Department, which obviously was already operating with two part-timers and a hamster.
• Inside: Georgia goes 4-0 in September. Bulldogs fans objectively project their next loss in 2012. … Evander Holyfield announces a comeback against Jersey Joe Walcott. Walcott, who is dead, takes Holyfield into the ninth round.
OCTOBER
• Front page: After a 5-2 start, a relaxed and jovial Mora decides to do an interview with a Honolulu radio station, during which he says it’s always been his dream to coach the Hawaii lacrosse team and adds that he would tell Blank, “I’ve got your consensus right here!” the second the job opened up. Mora turns up missing the next day, and the team again refers questions to the Hall County Sheriffs, who say they’re still working on the Rod Coleman report.
• Inside: After a 7-0 start, Georgia loses to Florida, 21-3. … The Twins, with the No. 17 payroll, defeat the Yankees, Red Sox and Mets in the postseason to win the World Series.
NOVEMBER
• Front page: Two months into the season, Terrell Owens signs with the Browns. He then spits on a plaque of Jim Brown, catches three passes in four games, whines that he is underappreciated, takes credit for a drop in gas prices, says he’s thinking about running the United Nations and then attempts suicide, which fails when he keeps dropping the pistol, the gun goes off and the bullet hits Drew Rosenhaus in the hiney.
• Inside: Georgia goes 10-1 with an SEC title game berth clinched and an outside chance at the BCS title game, but then loses at Tech, 9-7. Gailey gets a three-year extension. … Holyfield tries to sell his next title shot as a script to Hollywood. The producers of Rocky VI reject it as implausible.
DECEMBER
• Front page: After a 6-7 start, Blank fires Mora, who thanks Blank for the opportunity, then begins to reel off statistics that indicate the Falcons were just two blocks away from being unbeaten, and Vince Lombardi can eat his shorts.
• Inside: Andruw Jones signs with the Yankees. He asks not to sit next to A-Rod in the clubhouse. … The Falcons go 2-1 under interim coach Joe DeCamillis. Blank considers hiring him after suspecting Tony Dungy, let go by Indianapolis, will request too much power.
Permalink | Comments (23) | Post your comment | Categories: Braves / MLB, Falcons / NFL, Hawks / NBA, Jeff Schultz, Tech / ACC, Thrashers / NHL, UGA / SEC
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Comments
By Ronny
December 30, 2006 06:22 PM | Link to this
Did I hear this right? I thought Lou Holtz— during half-time of the Navy-Boston College game on ESPN— said that Mora—or maybe a staff member— may be heading to Alabama. It was so quick I may not have heard it correctly. It was in the form of a Holtz “tip.” That would be something! If so— and this is just from me— one possibility to replace Mora would be Kirk Ferentz of Iowa. He has a terrific record at Iowa— and was once Assistant Head Coach of the Baltimore Ravens. He was also offensive line coach! Just do a Google search on Kirk Ferentz— and read his bio. Really outstanding.
By TheSouthernJackAss
December 30, 2006 06:40 PM | Link to this
Schultz—Perfect proof that crack kills!!!…
By Richard
December 30, 2006 08:17 PM | Link to this
In which month does Barry Bonds’ head fall off?
By Boots
December 30, 2006 10:45 PM | Link to this
Jeff, I think you’re right. I don’t see Blank firing Mora. Coordinators will be replaced,but Mora will buy a year by replacing Knapp. I think the new OC will be hired with the thought in mind that he may be the replacement for Mora.
By Gen Neyland
December 30, 2006 11:39 PM | Link to this
Doesn’t the AJC give their writers pee tests..?
By Blah
December 30, 2006 11:55 PM | Link to this
U R probably right. Arthur has no balls, he keeps Moron and we suck even more next year with higher ticket prices.
By Mr C.
December 31, 2006 12:13 AM | Link to this
LOL. I can’t help laughing!!! Seriously, does the “screen pass” exist in the falcons playbook. I saw the new UGA OC with a better play-calling in the second half than i have seen Greg Knapp call in 3 years.
Eages win the Superbowl? Hell no? I tell you what, I believe you and Mora have been inhaling the same s**.
By luda
December 31, 2006 01:05 AM | Link to this
What have you seen in recent years that makes you think that Tech will beat UGA next year? Did you just write that to get a response? If they can’t win this year then I can’t see when they will. 2010? Seriously.
By e.b.
December 31, 2006 01:17 AM | Link to this
A) Not funny B) Just plain bored C) Just plain stupid
Which best desribes Jeff Schultz?
By Gt fan
December 31, 2006 01:18 AM | Link to this
the braves will be a better POSTSEASON team than the mets next year! althought they might win the division.
By Ga Dawg
December 31, 2006 01:43 AM | Link to this
Don’t quit your day job just yet.
This just in……Mora is planning some adversity training in the off season, in response to Vick’s new book, “How I became a Coach Killer.”
By Gator Guy
December 31, 2006 06:41 AM | Link to this
Jeff——Still not funny.
By GTIronman
December 31, 2006 08:15 AM | Link to this
Jeff, Great piece! I wet my pants on the TO dropped the pistol line, but kept the sample so I can ride next year in the Tour or bullpen for the Bravos. Schwinn sucks, though. I’ll do it on a 17 lb Kestrel Talon.
Speaking of Talons, Mark Richt, Mark Richt, Mark Richt Since he can outcoach Beamer, we’ll be in the Super Bowl in ‘08. Plus, MV7 will start going to church, learn how to Hail Mary, and drop his bird pistol on the sidelines, which if anyone noticed, was also high and wide right. For $25K, you’d think it would have been aimed at Knapp instead of the fans. (the bird incident for you Duhawg fans)
JimmyB
PS I’ve looked over the entire blog and can’t find anyone who wants Richt in Atlanta. Has everyone still at GT lost their mind or is this just a Jawja Dawg rant room?
By justanotherguy
December 31, 2006 11:17 AM | Link to this
r.e. Richt in Atlanta…
Give me a break. Look at the possible upside for Richt vs. the downside.
Sure, it would be a stiff “challenge” for him, but he still has challenges remaining at UGA that he has not overcome - and he’s not exactly under-compensated.
By ugablows
December 31, 2006 12:11 PM | Link to this
Richt for Falcons coach, it’s a perfect fit
By DOM
December 31, 2006 12:54 PM | Link to this
FIRE MCKAY!!
By G for GT
December 31, 2006 01:52 PM | Link to this
Luda, yes there is something at Tech giving to win over Ugag in ‘07. Reggie Ball is gone. 15 to 12 is nothing to brag about. Ugag did not beat Auburn, GT or VT they beat themselves. That’s part of the game though. I keep saying that when Ugag finally decides to step up and play somebody in the first 6 games then they’ll be a “national power”. Auburn does, Ohio State does!
By FYI
December 31, 2006 02:16 PM | Link to this
Funny piece. The it on Roger Federer winning Wimbledon ought to be in July though. Seems that Jeff pays as much attention to tennis as most people in his profession.
By RA
December 31, 2006 03:50 PM | Link to this
Hey G for GT: Waaaaaaaah! Wa…Wa…Waaaaaahh! Can I get you a bigger crying towel?
How Bout Them Dawgs!!!!!!!
By mo
December 31, 2006 06:38 PM | Link to this
I thought Jeff’s writing was funny. It was VERY entertaining.
I will be surprised, though, if Mora is fired this year. Hold up… did you see that pass by Schaub to Norwood on the sideline??!! That was great!
OK, back to Mora. I think his team is gone, but he has little kids to feed. When Blank requests him to fire Donatell and Knapp, he will quickly get his pen out.
(Schaub is warming up really well in this game. I think that Schaub should follow Knapp if Knapp in the NFL. Schaub can definitely run a west-coast offense. It’s all kind of stupid to see this. Why is Knapp here with Vick when Knapp can take Schaub and win many games in the NFL?)
Oh well, but Mora will stay on another year.
By Ed
December 31, 2006 07:57 PM | Link to this
A Blank doesn’t need Mora or Richt on the Falcons team. The one he needs and overlooked is Mike “the OC” Bobo. The bad part is that he probably wouldn’t be available.
By GTIronman
December 31, 2006 07:58 PM | Link to this
Mo - that pass was sweet. Fell out of the sky on wings. Vick would have tried to full metal jacket it through the LB… Justanother - You’re right on Richt. I’d love to see him in the ATL for both reasons, but I can’t imagine he’d leave.
Top 10 reasons to dream of Sept. Vick will be traded for a #7 pick; maybe we’ll get a Colston. Or Schaub will be traded for a #1. Knapp is gone. donatell is gone. Norwood will get more touches Finneran will be back. We might get an offensive line this year. Vick will roll right and throw back to a wide open guy in the left flat. We’ll convert a 3rd and 1, at least in preseason. Or as Dan Marino said on NFL Net, we’ll go 5 wides, it’ll be easier to read the coverage, and MV7 will be the RB.
Hasta la proxima temporada, JimmyB
PS We need a CB. Williams, if he can bulk up, will be great, but can’t play corner. No speed.
By Claude
January 1, 2007 12:34 AM | Link to this
One prediction to add to yours:
Jim Mora expresses puzzlement at his firing, pointing out that he’s won more games in the last three years than any other Sagittarius.