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Saturday, December 30, 2006
New Year forecast
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
JANUARY
• Front page: In the most unpopular move of his tenure, or at least since the crushed red velvet jacket he wore two weeks ago, Arthur Blank announces he will keep Jim Mora for one more season. Greg Knapp and Ed Donatell are not fired but are found to be missing. A team spokesman refers all questions to the Hall County Sheriff’s Department, which in a reflex response says only that Rod Coleman did not hit the deer and further comment will be made after their next exchange of faxes with Flowery Branch.
• Inside: Florida loses to Ohio State in the BCS title game but is awarded the championship because BCS voters felt it was time for a fresh face. … Mark McGwire fails to gain enough Hall of Fame votes but is under consideration at Fernbank. … The Hawks hold Joe Johnson Team USA Collectible Statue night, and in a surprise move starts one at point guard.
FEBRUARY
• Front page: After six seasons of NHL futility, the Thrashers continue their amazing run and go 7-2-3 in February to open a comfortable lead in the Southeast Division. The Atlanta Spirit release a statement crediting the franchise’s turnaround to their guidance and strong ownership. Two days later, a car carrying owners and attorneys simultaneously runs out of gas on the way to court. Steve Belkin wins a judgment by default.
• Inside: The Eagles win the Super Bowl with Jeff Garcia, while Donovan McNabb watches. Rush Limbaugh’s ratings spike. … Evander Holyfield announces that because of diminishing skills and financial losses in his recent pay-per-view fight, he will fight only until he’s 62.
MARCH
• Front page: On the one-year anniversary of his hiring by Major League Baseball, former U.S. senator George Mitchell holds a news conference to announce that while he couldn’t compel any player to testify about steroids, he frequently watches SportsCenter and stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night, and he suspects somebody may have cheated.
• Inside: UCLA, Ohio State, UConn and Butler reach the Final Four in Atlanta, ensuring a non-ACC champ for the fifth time in six years. Mike Krzyzewski secedes from the conference. … The Braves report to spring training with 29 potential relievers. Burger King officials scout the games and await cuts. … Chris Paul and Deron Williams are running second-third in NBA assists. Billy Knight’s reaction, “I laugh at lesser beings.”
APRIL
• Front page: In his first state-of-the-Masters news conference as the new chairman of Augusta National, Billy Payne says he has extended an invitation to Sandra Day O’Connor to become the club’s first female member. The former Supreme Court Justice accepts the invitation but resigns when she’s asked to drop off some dry cleaning.
• Inside: Phil Mickelson wins the Masters and says he’s ready to challenge Tiger for golf supremacy, but nobody believes him this time. … The Thrashers defeat Ottawa in the first-round of the playoffs. Dany Heatley asks to be traded.
MAY
• Front page: Hoping for the consensus No. 1 pick, Ohio State center Greg Oden, the Hawks lose the draft lottery and will select seventh. But the second player on their board falls to them next month: Rumeal John-Paul Arvedas Koncakis, a 6-foot-9 swingman from a small fishing village in Montenegro.
• Inside: Barry Bonds ends the month with seven home runs on the season, giving him 741, but is put on the disabled list when his head explodes. Giants fans blame the media. … A horse wins the Triple Crown, then complains that Barbaro has been getting all the chicks “since his little injury.”
JUNE
• Front page: Twenty-seven weeks after being told by Nick Saban to hang on for a second while he switches to a phone in the other room, Alabama AD Mal Moore passes out and falls face first in his Bear Bryant chip bowl. The school then names Mike Price as its new football coach. Price asks if anybody can change a $50 for some singles.
• Inside: The Braves go .500 in June and stand 8-1/2 games behind the Mets in the NL East. Schuerholz cannot be reached for comment at a book signing. … Roger Federer, coming off three Grand Slams in 2006, wins Wimbledon. He spends two weeks in New York without being recognized, until somebody tells him he looks like that guy in “Goldfinger.”
JULY
• Front page: The French fume as an American is again declared the winner of the Tour de France. It’s Billy Moskowitz, a 9-year-old from Bemidji, Minn., riding a 1972 Schwinn Stingray. The remainder of the field tests positive for performance-enhancing substances. Despite protests, officials from laboratories in Spain, France and Switzerland vow to uphold test results, just as soon as they can remember where they put them.
• Inside: The Falcons open camp with new offensive coordinator Bill Musgrave. … Musgrave says he plans to bring a new wrinkle called the “screen pass” to the offense. Also, electricity and indoor plumbing. … Baseball’s All-Star Game is held in San Francisco, home of BALCO. George Mitchell can’t get a ticket.
AUGUST
• Front page: Eighteen months after announcing it was close to a stock swap with Liberty Media that would complete a sale of the Braves, Time-Warner announces that the deal has fallen apart and the team is back on the market. John Schuerholz assures everybody that the news will not affect him at the trade deadline. But he then makes only one move, acquiring reliever Orlando Jiminez, who had been let go in camp and then picked up by Burger King.
• Inside: Blank asks Bobby Cox if he would have any trouble with him coming down to the dugout for the last two innings. … The U.S. loses to Uruguay in the FIBA Americas Olympic qualifying tournament. Joe Johnson is strapped to a gurney and carried off the court in the fourth quarter, mumbling something about Josh Smith and 3-point attempts.
SEPTEMBER
• Front page: With no Reggie Ball but also no Calvin Johnson, Georgia Tech opens its season at Notre Dame, losing 27-13, giving Chan Gailey four straight losses going back to last season. The loss reignites the “Can Chan” cries from Tech fans. But school officials say buying out Gailey’s previously extended contract would force them to cut costs in the Academic Oversight Department, which obviously was already operating with two part-timers and a hamster.
• Inside: Georgia goes 4-0 in September. Bulldogs fans objectively project their next loss in 2012. … Evander Holyfield announces a comeback against Jersey Joe Walcott. Walcott, who is dead, takes Holyfield into the ninth round.
OCTOBER
• Front page: After a 5-2 start, a relaxed and jovial Mora decides to do an interview with a Honolulu radio station, during which he says it’s always been his dream to coach the Hawaii lacrosse team and adds that he would tell Blank, “I’ve got your consensus right here!” the second the job opened up. Mora turns up missing the next day, and the team again refers questions to the Hall County Sheriffs, who say they’re still working on the Rod Coleman report.
• Inside: After a 7-0 start, Georgia loses to Florida, 21-3. … The Twins, with the No. 17 payroll, defeat the Yankees, Red Sox and Mets in the postseason to win the World Series.
NOVEMBER
• Front page: Two months into the season, Terrell Owens signs with the Browns. He then spits on a plaque of Jim Brown, catches three passes in four games, whines that he is underappreciated, takes credit for a drop in gas prices, says he’s thinking about running the United Nations and then attempts suicide, which fails when he keeps dropping the pistol, the gun goes off and the bullet hits Drew Rosenhaus in the hiney.
• Inside: Georgia goes 10-1 with an SEC title game berth clinched and an outside chance at the BCS title game, but then loses at Tech, 9-7. Gailey gets a three-year extension. … Holyfield tries to sell his next title shot as a script to Hollywood. The producers of Rocky VI reject it as implausible.
DECEMBER
• Front page: After a 6-7 start, Blank fires Mora, who thanks Blank for the opportunity, then begins to reel off statistics that indicate the Falcons were just two blocks away from being unbeaten, and Vince Lombardi can eat his shorts.
• Inside: Andruw Jones signs with the Yankees. He asks not to sit next to A-Rod in the clubhouse. … The Falcons go 2-1 under interim coach Joe DeCamillis. Blank considers hiring him after suspecting Tony Dungy, let go by Indianapolis, will request too much power.
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