AJC > Sports > Columnists > Archives > 2006 > December > 21 > Entry
DEL.ICIO.USA squatting chance for Falcons
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
Before delving into this week’s financial locks, the Non-Secular And Occasionally Agnostic Brokerage House of Weekend Predictions — we recognize the existence of losses only when you can find us — wishes you the best this holiday season and attempts to answer a question even more perplexing than, “Dude. What the heck is figgy pudding?”
Namely: What’s up with the squatting birds?
It seems that in Spain’s northeastern Catalonia region, nativity scenes — which generally include the staples: Mary, Joseph, shepherds, I think a baby, some sheep and a Nordstrom saleswoman — also depict a squatting peasant with an exposed hiney. (I am not making this up, so please don’t shoot the Jewish messenger.)
This figurine is known as “El Caganer” or “The Defecator.” And you wonder why Spain isn’t a global power.
This tradition dates back to the 17th century and has something to do with certain bodily functions being associated with fertility.
(Are you still with me? Because if not, you can take a 10-minute Tums break, then come back.)
According to The Associated Press, “During the holiday season, pastry shops around Catalonia sell sweets shaped like feces.”
This really isn’t all that different from several NFL teams, which at this time of season sell playoff hopes secretly shaped like feces.
Which leads us to the Falcons.
If they win Sunday against Carolina and next week at Philadelphia, they’re probably in the playoffs. Also, Generalissimo Francisco Franco wins a karaoke contest on Neptune. Only in the NFC can you still be mathematically alive after so much squatting.
Will it make a difference? Probably not. But we’ll keep your holiday miracle alive for another week: Falcons over Panthers.
A material
• Sybil Bowl: The Saints lost at home to Washington the week after drilling the Cowboys in Dallas. They had surgery Tuesday to remove benign traces of Jim Mora. The Giants are 1-5 since a five-game winning streak. Do six NFC teams have to make the playoffs? Giants cover 3.
• Eagles at Cowboys: Oh, you mean Terrell Owens is full of spit? I thought you said … Where was I? I love the 7 — and the Eagles in an upset.
• Chargers at Seahawks: It was another fine moment for the NFL this week when suspended juiceboy Shawne Merriman was named to the Pro Bowl. Is this sort of like John Dillinger being honored by the Wharton School of Business? Chargers win, but take Seattle and 4.
• Ravens at Steelers: It might be too late. But the Steelers have won five of their last six and allowed only 13 points in the last three. Also, it has been weeks since Ben Roethlisberger lost an organ. Steelers cover 3.
B sides
• Titans at Bills: Tennessee has gone from 2-7 in a rebuilding year to 7-7 with a rookie quarterback and back in the playoff picture. So if you’re Jeff Fisher, how do you feel about the fact the Titans have yet to pick up your option? This won’t help: Buffalo wins, but won’t cover 41/2.
• Patriots at Jaguars: Tom Brady has lost his favorite receiver (Deion Branch), his pickup line (“I’m a Pro Bowler. You gonna finish those fries?”) and his eye candy (Bridget Moynihan). Should take about seven seconds to bounce back. Take the gift 3 and Pats in an upset.
• Bengals at Broncos: Cincinnati denies reports that Carson Palmer has a significant shoulder injury. But it’s progress that a player’s status is in question for something other than sobriety or parole violations. Broncos cover 3.
• Jets at Dolphins: I understand the whole the-NFL-isn’t-what-I-thought-it-would-be thing possibly rolling around Nick Saban’s head. But if he’s actually considering moving from South Beach to Tuscaloosa, he should be playing cards with Cheswick, Martini and McMurphy. Fish cover 2 1/2.
What’s on Bravo?
• Redskins at Rams: Joe Gibbs has determined the ‘Skins are only two players away from competing for the playoffs. Peyton Manning and LaDainian Tomlinson. Rams cover 2.
• Bears at Lions: Is Chicago the first 12-2 team in NFL history with a 2-12 feel? On a related note, the Bengals have sued Tank Johnson for copyright infringement. Feeling frisky. Take Detroit and 4-1/2 — and in an upset.
• Bucs at Browns: Jon Gruden is 26-36 since winning a Super Bowl. Figured Rich McKay needed a good laugh. Browns cover 3.
Profitless margin
(Two straight [barely] winning weeks? Where was this mojo in November?)
• Last week: 8-5 straight up, 7-6 against the line.
• Bottoms up: 94-60 straight up, 71-81-2 ATL.
• Moment of clarity: Maybe Reggie Ball just kept mixing up his textbook with his playbook.
Permalink | Comments (47) | Post your comment | Categories: Falcons / NFL, Jeff Schultz
Comments
By BirdDawg
December 21, 2006 10:11 PM | Link to this
Jeff, by saying Reggie No Balls was mixing up his textbook with his playbook implies that he actually looked at either of them.
Haiyooooooooo!!!
You are correct, Sir!
You set ‘em up, I knock ‘em down.
By jc
December 21, 2006 11:16 PM | Link to this
BirdDawg, get a life.
Reggie Ball=Mike Vick.
Deal with it.
No playoffs!!! And UGA still sux!
By Titothebear
December 21, 2006 11:25 PM | Link to this
This, truly, is excrement!
By BirdDawg
December 21, 2006 11:31 PM | Link to this
UGA still sucks, huh?
What does that mean for the Bugs, JC, you socially retarded moron?
They suck worse? They really suck? They suck big time?
Yeah, Georgia really sucks.
He JC, you socially retarded moron, do you know which football team has the 2nd most-wins in the last 6 years?
That would be UGA. Only Texas has more, and I think it’s one more.
Yes, we have more than Ohio St.
Just to think, in our worst year in awhile, we still kick your @$$es, and you guys can’t get over it because this is like y’all best year ever. A year in which Wake Forrest wins the ACC CHUMPionship.
And Michael Vick has actually won an important game or two. Can’t remember the last time Reggie No Balls stepped up to win a big game.
So JC, you socially retarded moron, don’t be upset. You’ll just wind up bumming out your next D&D get-together and ruining your chances with that pimple-faced girl Bug who thinks she’s a 7th-level fairy goblin princess or something.
Idiot.
By Tito eats excrement
December 22, 2006 12:15 AM | Link to this
True dat!
By Eli
December 22, 2006 12:30 AM | Link to this
BirdDawg, a word of advice from a Gator (and someone who enjoys the large majority of your posts): Don’t let the Tech fan reduce you to measuring your team’s success against theirs. The minute you engage a Tech fan on the quality of your overall football programs, you give the Jackets unwarranted legitimacy. You’re a member of the S-E-C, son. Measure yourself against the Floridas and LSUs of the world — not the Georgia Techs.
By I Attacked Hairy Dawg and Loved It
December 22, 2006 12:40 AM | Link to this
UGA still sucks. That’s right. When UGA stops giving out bumper stickers and t-shirts for graduation, then maybe UGA’ers can boast about having a lot of football wins “over the last 6 years.” When they start recruiting student-athletes, rather than ath-e-letes (so you understand that in Athens), come back to the party where we toast reality and high standards. I’m not a Techie, but at least they are a Top 5 engineering school (in the country. You know, the U.S. The one you probably can’t find on a map). While both schools need to do some serious work on their graduation rates, at least there’s a bit of sympathy for Tech’s curriculum. There’s no such prestige at UGA. Sorry. It’s simply a fact of life…like Tootie. Here’s another fact: if UGA actually recruited student-athletes that graduated, there would be no “we’ve won more games in the last 6 years than anybody, except Texas” talk. I’m not a ND or BC fan, but both graduate more than 90% of their football teams. Try winning 10 games every year (and losing to West Virginia and BC in some bowl games) with that standard. You wouldn’t. You can’t. Nice trade-off. You know, kinda like the one Faust made back in the day.
So, keep bloggin’ ‘bout dem Dawgs, Mr. Cliche. Ruff. You really have a lot of paws to stand on. Right.
By jarrodmon
December 22, 2006 12:58 AM | Link to this
I think what he meant to write was:
Reggie Ball=Marcus Vick=no talent hack who will be selling his tv to get money for crack in a few years.
By Brain Hurts
December 22, 2006 01:03 AM | Link to this
When I read posts from “attacked hairy dawg” and other Tech fans ripping on UGA’s supposedly inferior graduates, I wonder: have these people EVER posted anything with correct spelling and grammer? That guy must be study partners with Reggie Ball.
By Titothebear
December 22, 2006 02:08 AM | Link to this
By Tito eats excrement December 22, 2006 12:15 AM | Link to this True dat!
Listen feces face, you’re the one known as stool for brains. We all know that you like dining on Buffalo Chips and other evacuative treats. If we feel we need “the poop” we’ll give you a call. Keep voiding and keep munching.
By Titothebear
December 22, 2006 02:20 AM | Link to this
By Brain Hurts December 22, 2006 01:03 AM | Link to this When I read posts from “attacked hairy dawg” and other Tech fans ripping on UGA’s supposedly inferior graduates, I wonder: have these people EVER posted anything with correct spelling and grammer? That guy must be study partners with Reggie Ball.
Brain,
There is no such word as grammer in the English language. There is, however, grammar. In what year were you matriculated from UGA?
By I Attacked Hairy Dawg and Loved It
December 22, 2006 02:22 AM | Link to this
Hey Brain Hurts…”grammer?”
That’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.
Again, I’m not a Techie. And there were no misspellings, by the way. My point is that the gloating from many UGA posts that I see seems to me to be curiously ironic. Certainly, Ball has a lot of growing up to do. He also has to find a way to get rid of that chip on his shoulder. No one who has seen him on Saturday can quibble about that, regardless of where you went to school. The rejoicing about a young man’s poor choices, however, seems really classless and tacky, no? Even if you accuse Ball of many times performing that way, wouldn’t it be stooping to do the same?
By Najeh Davenpoop
December 22, 2006 03:36 AM | Link to this
Reggie Ball = Michael Vick? Yeah, Vick minus an arm, blazing speed, and ability to read defenses. Please don’t embarrass yourself further.
By Beretverde
December 22, 2006 08:14 AM | Link to this
The squatting will continue if you keep the highly paid, great athlete, low NFL QB skills Vick. He is a bust. He is too stupid to call audibles (the coaches won’t say this because it appears “racist”) and you cannot win consistently in the NFL if you cannot adapt. Status quo is in the future for these “squatters.”
By mora_get_tha_fu*_out
December 22, 2006 08:28 AM | Link to this
it’s good that mora starts rossum and webster over williams the whole season. jesus fking christ….mora…
By Dano
December 22, 2006 09:13 AM | Link to this
Jeff,
You reached a new low….wasn’t funny and as you can see, generated a pile of crap blog….Happy???? Merry Christmas to all…….and to Mora and Company: GOOD NIGHT!!!!
By ICEMAN
December 22, 2006 09:17 AM | Link to this
Jimmy Johnson is the key to the falcons woes. We’d better grab him quick before the Giants do.
By Ben Dover
December 22, 2006 09:23 AM | Link to this
AJC reports that Williams will start in front of Rossum this weekend vs. carolina and that Weinke will probably start. DYK that weinke is 0-17 in his last 17 starts? Unbelievable…. Oh and jc, you are a f#ing moron.
By Titothebear
December 22, 2006 09:47 AM | Link to this
Hey guys, I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for all the bad things I said about you, and especially the Foulcons, uh I mean, Falcons! They truly are MY team and I wear my Mike Vick jammies every night before I go to bed and I make sure I have my teddy bear close by in case I get scared at night. Just so you know, I REALLY am a teacher, but not at any university. Instead, I teach future farmers the right and wrong way to fertilize landscape. I feel I am the foremost expert at my field because no one can spread the fertilizer quite like I can. Wanna know where I get my motivation? By listening to my Jim Mora Jr. self-help tapes. Yes-siree, I particularly enjoy the chapter where he preaches that sniffing smelling salts will result in better decision-making…it really works for me! Well, I had better go now because my boyfriend needs a new stool softener, he’s been bickering about it for the past week and, by golly, he deserves it! In closing, I wish you all a Happy Holidays, go Foul, oops I meant Falcons, and as I tell my students: “Keep spreading it around!” Tee-hee, toodles!
By santa
December 22, 2006 10:25 AM | Link to this
you guys are all a bunch of d*cks and are getting nothing for Christmas….by the way GT sucks at football and UGA is a safety school in case you get denied at GT or Kennesaw State.
By Dano
December 22, 2006 10:56 AM | Link to this
Let’s talk football…..I have said SO WHAT to MV7s rushing yardage….here is a FACT worth thinking about…. MV7 just “passed” Bobby Douglass for the most rushing yardage by a QB in a season…….and Bobby Douglass is not in the all-time top 50 in any major category. The key is “in an MAJOR category.” Get my drift??? In his 10 year career, Bobby threw for a TOTAL of 6493 yards and ran for 2654 more. Like I’ve said….SO WHAT!!!! A running QB makes for exciting watching, but doesn’t win games……990 yards & 2 TDs….7-7…So What……MV7…use that arm!!! Can you hear me MORA????
By Lee
December 22, 2006 11:13 AM | Link to this
I’m sorry, my eyes must be giving out. Did I just read a post from By “I Attacked Hairy Dawg and Loved It” taking a shot at Georgia’s “ath-a-letes” just days after two of tech’s starters didn’t make grades to play in their bowl game? Poor timing dude.
By Doc Hill
December 22, 2006 11:25 AM | Link to this
Very good stuff JS…Falcons will (in true ATL fashion) pierce our hearts at the last possible moment. Only this time, NFL Network will change the game to Sunday night, and our introduction to 2007 will be laced with images of MV7 being slammed to the Lincoln Field turf, and with Allen Rossum covering a ghost Eagles receiver running mystery routes AWAY from the ball.
The R. Ball statement was a low blow…but funny, nonetheless.
By Dano
December 22, 2006 11:42 AM | Link to this
Big Business at it’s best…..NFL Network……looking for money, not making fans happy (friends in Savannah couldn’t watch the Falcons game on Saturday….most of WI couldn’t watch the Packers yesterday…..thanks NFL Network….WTG!!!!!
By HT
December 22, 2006 12:19 PM | Link to this
“According to The Associated Press, ‘During the holiday season, pastry shops around Catalonia sell sweets shaped like feces.’ This really isn’t all that different from several NFL teams, which at this time of season sell playoff hopes secretly shaped like feces. Which leads us to the Falcons.”
Fantastic segue!
By Titothebear
December 22, 2006 01:40 PM | Link to this
Well, my olfactory sense has picked up the stench of a known producer of high volumes of flatulence. There’s a pile of refuse, left under my name, that was scribbled by an illiterate, homosexually inclined moron who leaves malicious posts like rabbits leave pellets. He talks about his boyfriend a lot and, while I sometimes find stupidity mildly amusing, it’s getting old. Getting some therapy might benefit him and it could only help those of us who have the misfortune to encounter the nonsense this miscreant, enema bag discharges onto this blog. As for stool softener, I doubt you need any. With all the roto-rooting that’s gone on in your colon everything should be emulsified. By the way Imbecile, I teach at a local university. Have you ever attended a university? Trade school? Grammar school? Do you consider yourself an enema of the state? By Idiot.
By Kelli
December 22, 2006 02:20 PM | Link to this
Thanks, JS for all the poop talk. You started it and damnit if they didn’t run away with it.
By Rotten2thekore
December 22, 2006 02:56 PM | Link to this
Falcons get sent back to the island of misfit football players and the abominable Mora man gets his teeth pulled by Blanky, who is a customer service man but wants to be a dentist. I hope I’m wrong but… Falcons will yet again play down to the competition. Weinke, Wienke, Winky, however it’s spelled, will appear to be all-pro and will be on ESPN’s top 10 Monday morning as he will have sliced and diced the Falcons secondary for 400 yds and 3 TDs. I’m sorry, I didn’t really mean that. I wasn’t serious. I’m dedicated to the Falcons. I was just joking.
By Rotten2thekore
December 22, 2006 02:57 PM | Link to this
Falcons get sent back to the island of misfit football players and the abominable Mora man gets his teeth pulled by Blanky, who is a customer service man but wants to be a dentist. I hope I’m wrong but… Falcons will yet again play down to the competition. Weinke, Wienke, Winky, however it’s spelled, will appear to be all-pro and will be on ESPN’s top 10 Monday morning as he will have sliced and diced the Falcons secondary for 400 yds and 3 TDs. I’m sorry, I didn’t really mean that. I wasn’t serious. I’m dedicated to the Falcons. I was just joking.
By Michael
December 22, 2006 03:53 PM | Link to this
Blame me for the Falcons troubles this year. Each week I do a pick-em pool with the boys from work. And I have yet to get a game right with the Falcons yet! If I pick them to win, they lose; if I pick against them, they win. Go figure. Having watched the Falcons for years, I know the ‘coons are famous for losing games against teams they should beat. Look no further than this year’s misfires against Detroit and Cleveland. And if they find a way to lose this week, I guarantee the fall flat on their faces against Philly next week.
By J Daniels
December 22, 2006 04:10 PM | Link to this
Hey, Matt “BirdDawg” Cafaro, a word of advice from a Bulldog (and someone who never enjoys reading your drivel), you diminish the Bulldog Nation by your association with us.
Unlike you, Reggie attended some college. Quit taking pleasure in the trouble of people that have accomplished more than you. You’re just admitting what an insignificant piece of sh*t you are.
Go away little man! You suck!
Haiyooooooooo!!!
You are correct, Sir!
You set ‘em up, I knock ‘em down
By Edd Anderson
December 22, 2006 04:29 PM | Link to this
What a dick.
By Edd Anderson
December 22, 2006 04:33 PM | Link to this
tito. go suck your thumb or whatever you like suck just get out of here..
By Titothebear
December 22, 2006 05:11 PM | Link to this
Edd,
Couldn’t understand you Edd. Take that thing out of your mouth and then lisp whatever you wanted to say. This blog is populated with nincompoops, morons and gay folk like yourself. It’s nice to know our football team receives support from alternative communities such as the one you inhabit. Edd, take your pom poms out to the dome and cheerlead for all you’re worth on Sunday. The Foulcons will need you and all the other girls to raise the roof of that hideous dome. Take care EDD!
By Rufus T. Shyne
December 22, 2006 05:20 PM | Link to this
hemmo facon fan,
sezun dun gon down hill an now we tawkin bout crap. eyes glad to sea peeples finely got gud loook at facon. theyz sorry as sum u fanz. it gud yall start tawkin bout nex yeer. nex yeer same thang. sorry facon an sorry yeer. buy facon fan.
By ICEMAN
December 22, 2006 05:29 PM | Link to this
Titothebear,
Lifeforms such as Edd have no knowledge on how to survive unless that feed off of someone else’s intelligence. Be careful not to get to close to his slime.
By Titothebear
December 22, 2006 05:37 PM | Link to this
Iceman,
I wondered what that foul stench was all about. Thank you Sir. I’ll keep Edd on the downwind side.
By Rufus T. Shyne
December 22, 2006 06:00 PM | Link to this
Umm,
Ahs hates to breaks it 2 you, muh man Tito, but it’s “bye” idiot, nots by idiot. Ahs means that make it sounds like it wus ritten “by idiot” and ahs knows you ain’t no idiot, know what I sayin, homeslice?
By Raymond P. Payne
December 22, 2006 06:21 PM | Link to this
Tito, I have no idea who you are or what you are, but why do you have to insult everyone who disagrees with you? I mean, these are “opinion” blogs and people are entitled to their own opinion, even you. Fine, if you’re not a Falcons fan, then leave and go to your favorite team’s blog and chat with them. But we are in Atlanta, so naturally, the reporters are going to talk about the Falcons. If you are not a fan, which, I assume you are not, then simply disagree and enlighten all of us Falcons fans about YOUR team’s greatness and we’ll gladly chat about it. But, when you use race, bodily fluids, excrement, and curse words as your argument, you are simply showing us what type of person you really are. And if you claim to be a teacher at a university, which involves professionalism as well as non-bias, then rest assure I will NEVER enroll my kids at your institution! Here’s a piece of advice: grow up and stop hating people who happen to disagree with you, otherwise you’ll forever be a very lonely, troubled man! Do you really want that?
Raymond Prentice Payne
By I am the decider
December 22, 2006 06:29 PM | Link to this
Well, we have experienced a methane moment and the feces have hit the fan on the blog today. Which is ok, ‘cause I can always enjoy a good laugh. Maybe the team with the number one in the draft can have “squatter’s rights” Merry Christmas, Everybody
By Titothebear
December 22, 2006 07:39 PM | Link to this
Raymond P. Pain,
I appreciate your efforts at giving advice but it’s not really needed. As for your progeny, I doubt their existence. If they do exist I doubt they’ll be attending college. And do have a Merry Christmas.
By Raymond P. Payne
December 22, 2006 10:24 PM | Link to this
Tito, why do you doubt that I have children? I happen to have two lovely daughters, 14 and 9, and one son, 12. They mean the world to me and they are very smart. Being knowledgeable that they are, why do you doubt they will be attending college? Please give me a rational explanation because I’m having difficulty understanding your doubts. Is it jealousy? Is it because we are all Falcons fans? Is it hatred due to the fact we are black? What?
Raymond Prentice Payne
By Titothebear
December 22, 2006 11:11 PM | Link to this
Ray P. Pain,
Get serious Raymond! Have you noticed that we’re dealing with a bowel movement theme today? Lighten up!
By Raymond P. Payne
December 22, 2006 11:32 PM | Link to this
Well in that case, flush all you want, Tito! Thanks for being serious and giving me reasons for doubting my offspring and their scholastic abilities. Have a wonderful night!
Raymond Prentice Payne
By Titothebear
December 23, 2006 12:09 AM | Link to this
Ray P. Payne,
I don’t doubt your children are intelligent and will do well in life. This is all bull Ray. It’s not important and most of what’s said on here is pure garbage.
By jimmy
December 23, 2006 02:00 AM | Link to this
lick my balls and suck my banana
By jimmy
December 23, 2006 02:01 AM | Link to this
bang my wife from behind