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Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Misery vs. Gators drives fans to drink
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Furman Bisher
St. Simons Island — Well, here we sit, poised along the border like Sooners waiting to crash into Oklahoma. This is where Georgians congregate, the staging ground for Bulldogs football fans ready to pounce on Jacksonville for the Florida game. Welcome. This is Glynn County’s New Year’s eve. Feed the local economy. Buy your booze here, if you’re going to be a player in “The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.” There, I’ve said it and that’s out of the way.
It’s one way for Bulldogs to get their minds off the unsavory turn this series has taken since the era of Dooley. Only twice in the past 16 years has Georgia been able to beat Florida on the football field. Even when this historic match took a breather on the two campuses, nothing changed. Florida didn’t just win, the Gators won by 35 points in Athens and 40 in Gainesville, all of this while the weary old Gator Bowl was being replaced by Alltel Stadium. Even when the immensely despised — by Georgians — Steve Spurrier took leave, the Bulldogs couldn’t break the habit.
Notice how clever the two presidents have been? Michael Adams started it, when he made a public appeal to the media institutions to drop the “Cocktail Party” line. And Bernie Machen of Florida joined in. He didn’t want Adams to take the lead in purity. After all, what did he have to lose? The Gators were killing the Bulldogs on the field and that probably was driving Georgia’s patrons to take the lead in boozing.
Fourteen out of the past 16 times losers. That astonishes me each time I look at those numbers.
Frankly, Georgians don’t give a damn who leads in hangovers, they want to feel how Gator meat tastes again. Startled me when I began reading of the sudden surge of displeasure with Mark Richt, now solidly in place with a long-term contract. How could he be a worse coach than he was when Georgia won two conference championships? Who’s the quarterback? Why all the dropped passes? Where are all those running backs? Lose to Tennessee, you can live with that, but Vanderbilt? On Homecoming Day? That’s a hanging offense. Now, lose to this guy Urban Myer who used to play shortstop in the Braves farm system and this case goes to a grand jury.
You see how that can direct a college president’s attention from losing to cleansing the public conduct of his patrons. If you can’t win, at least don’t make a spectacle of yourself. If you drink, don’t drive. If you drive, don’t drink and use your cell phone at the same time. If you do drink, try tea — not Long Island iced tea either.
College presidents are not popular people, as a rule. You remember Adams and his spat with Vince Dooley. Now, this. Adams must have flinched when he saw the headline about students who said “half the fun of college is learning to drink.” Now “how to drink,” but just “drink.” And is there a degree for that? Magna Cum Boozehound?
Well, all’s quiet down here at the moment, but the high tide of Bulldogs is about to roll in. Saturday morning the wagons hit the border and Jacksonville will be under a flood of humanity, a lot of it boozed to the ears. Then comes the next crisis: Traffic. After all these years of practice, Jacksonville still can’t get it right. One year it was so bad that Lewis Grizzard simply got out of his rental car and left it in the middle of the street. And if you want to irritate Jacksonville’s royal family, just bring it up. Get drunker’n a billy goat, but don’t bash on its traffic. You’d have thought they’d have gotten over that since they tried to squeeze in the Super Bowl like a foot in a shoe two sizes too small.
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Braves should reclaim Glavine
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
THE TUESDAY COUNTDOWN
10: Financial ramifications aside, the Braves could do worse than bring back Tom Glavine for one season. The potential starting rotation next season is full of questions. Glavine wouldn’t be a question - and signing him would weaken the biggest competition in the division.
9: That doesn’t mean letting Glavine sign with the New York Mets three years ago was the wrong move. It wasn’t. The Mets offered more money than Glavine was worth, especially given his two playoff starts the previous season. But this is a one-and-done situation now. He adds stability to this team and lessens it with that one.
8: News: After New York dismembered Dallas on Monday night, Bill Parcells said, “I’m ashamed to put a team out there that played like that.” It almost made you feel sorry for him. OK. I’m kidding.
7: If any Hall of Fame coach ever deserved to end his career immersed in a pool of slime and woe, it’s Parcells. His, “I’m done. OK, beg me to come back,” act grew old years ago. He hasn’t won a playoff game since 1998. And he committed sports’ unpardonable sin: Negotiating with one team (New York Jets) while coaching another in the Super Bowl (New England). Sir, we have a nice table waiting for you in Hades. ’ 6: Separated at birth: Heather Mills and Cruella de Ville. (If we’re ranking former Beatles wives, let’s just say Yoko Ono is BCS eligible by comparison. Now she’s claiming Paul McCartney beat his late wife, Linda, which is something even Linda never claimed. I mean, come on. It’s Paul!)
5: Thrashers general manager Don Waddell could be criticized for a lot of things, but getting Marian Hossa for Dany Heatley after Heatley’s trade demand isn’t one of them. Hossa leads the NHL in goals (10) and points (15) for the 7-1-1 Thrashers and is arguably the best two-way player in the league.
4: And you wonder why they laugh at us: America prepares for riveting television when Madonna talks to Oprah about a boy she abducted, I mean adopted, from Malawi. I’m moving to Switzerland.
3: Michael Vick is featured in the November “GQ.” The issue lists 16 of the “Coolest Sports Heroes of All Time.” Joe Namath and Magic Johnson also made the list. Matt Schaub did not.
2: Jim Mora insists on playing Jason Webster at cornerback despite evidence that he’s, like, not very good. Maybe it’s because rookie Jimmy Williams is even worse.
1: Sure hope I can find somebody to drink with in Jacksonville.
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