AJC > Sports > Columnists > Archives > 2006 > May > 23 > Entry
DEL.ICIO.USColor me impressed with marksmanship
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
As I stood in jeans of blue and T-shirt of I-surrender-white, Greg deVries’ truck pulled into the parking lot, much like a helicopter would descend into the rice patties.
Out came the army fatigues. The gloves. The boots. Heavy artillery. Topographical charts. Wind projections. Kill estimates. Cyanide tablets. Plutonium bubblegum. Jack Bauer bobblehead doll.
“I didn’t bring anything in camouflage,” I said.
“You’re dead,” said another.
I love this coming together. The Thrashers arranged for a friendly little paintball outing Tuesday. Four players, two media members and assorted office staff and warmongers. It wasn’t the first time I had been in the same place as professional athletes in a non-work-type setting. It was just the first time everybody had weapons.
Before we go any further, you should know that the Thrashers did not bring any of their goalies. We weren’t close enough to a MAS*H unit.
Then again, I don’t know what they were worried about. The way I viewed this competition, even if I freely navigated through the Thrashers’ defense, I’d shoot and miss the goalie because, like, nothing ever hits the Thrashers’ goalie. (Thank you. Try the veal.)
When deVries, a relatively mild-mannered defenseman, finally finished dressing and adjusting his assault weapons, I asked him if he had ever seen “Rambo.”
“All of them,” he said.
Big deal. I watched Jack Bauer kill like 179 people in the first 22 minutes Monday night. Also, my son gave me some sage advice after learning I was going to paintball for the first time in my life.
“Wear a cup,” he said. “I mean, nobody really aims down there. But you never know.”
I did not wear a cup. But I chose not to share that with deVries, Slava Kozlov, Jaroslav Modry or Eric Boulton because sometimes, dude, they really do aim down there. Mike Stapleton, a former Thrasher and noted bag of rocks, once shot a puck at me in practice. Fortunately, I was on the other side of the Plexiglas, which is what it hit, which was where all of Mike Stapleton’s shots hit.
The guys who ran the paintball place spent a lot of time explaining the rules, the scoring system and ways to avoid accidental maiming.
I seemed to be the only one bothered that they never actually said how to shoot the gun. Or was this one of those practical jokes, where I got the clown gun that just shot out a little “Bang” flag?
We had one practice round. Got hit after seven seconds. The good news was, I was the only one who didn’t have to reload.
Then AJC writer John Manasso and I chose up sides. I took deVries. Duh. He took Kozlov, probably because he served in the Soviet Red Army (and probably not realizing that he only made the oatmeal).
Game 1: Modry (Manasso’s team) hit me inside of a minute. (Power play specialist.)
Game 2: Boulton (Manasso’s team) popped me in the neck after a few minutes. He flanked wide right. Never saw him. Who knew a fourth-liner could be so stealth?
This wasn’t going well. I felt like Donald Rumsfeld, only without the air-conditioned suite and the room service and the stack of John Wayne movies.
Game 3: Dead! Did you see that? I nailed … Manasso?
“Somebody got me,” he said later.
“That was me,” I gloated.
“I haven’t killed anybody yet,” he said.
Rookie.
Modry and Boulton each got me twice. But, led by deVries and my ingenious attack plans, we destroyed the opposition.
“You did very well — better than Manasso,” Boulton said later.
“He was the first guy I killed,” I said.
“Yeah, well, that was the case with him every game,” Boulton said.
Boulton also wore full camo.
“These are my hunting clothes, but it works for paintballing,” he said. “But when I go hunting, the poor little deer don’t fire back.” (I teed it up, but I resisted.)
I have a little red welt on my inner thigh. It appears to be growing Saturn-like bluish rings as I’m typing. My only regret is that coach Bob Hartley wasn’t here to tell me what I did wrong — and general manager Don Waddell wasn’t here to guarantee a win and a playoff spot.
Also, there were no owners. This would have been a good way for Steve Belkin to work out some of his aggressions against the other Atlanta Spirit owners. But when I sent him an e-mail with an invitation to team up with me, he declined.
“I have more compassion and understand[ing] than aggression for my other partners,” he wrote back.
The dude probably would’ve just sent his attorney, anyway. And he would’ve worn a cup.
Permalink | Comments (11) | Categories: Jeff Schultz, Thrashers / NHL
Comments
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By DollarDawg
May 23, 2006 10:04 PM | Link to this
You should have watched Macgyver instead of Jack Bauer. He could have taught you how to rig up something with a paper clip and some low grade explosive plastics that would have guaranteed victory and no Saturn theme on your thigh. By the way, thanks for the disturbing mental image.
By Lauren
May 23, 2006 10:18 PM | Link to this
I thoroughly enjoy your commentary. While a bit crude at times, your references to our creased curse and the little quip about the irony of a stealthy 6’, 240, 4th liner had me rolling. I hope to see much more in-season commentary in the future.
By D.L. Man
May 24, 2006 12:07 AM | Link to this
sounds like you had fun. Your tone reminds me of that movie “Just one of the Guys” meets “Rambo”. Paintballing can be fun but you have to watch out for friendly fire as much as non friendly fire.
By Heath
May 24, 2006 07:59 AM | Link to this
Ha! Pretty funny piece Jeff. Those paitballs can sting like a damn hornet!
By Tim McDaniel
May 24, 2006 08:12 AM | Link to this
I’m glad to see a positive story about paintball for a change. This is really a great sport, and even though it can be quite painful, it is very safe as long as you follow the rules.
By Alex
May 24, 2006 08:36 AM | Link to this
Yeah paintball is great until someone freezes the paintballs or starts using marbles. Good article Jeff.
By Nate
May 24, 2006 12:42 PM | Link to this
It is great to see some good press for our fine sport. it may hurt a little but that’s part of why we love it. Thank you very much for the great article and good press. it’s nice to see a change from articles only focused on the dangers or an injury.
By Nate
May 24, 2006 12:43 PM | Link to this
It is great to see some good press for our fine sport. it may hurt a little but that’s part of why we love it. Thank you very much for the great article and good press. it’s nice to see a change from articles only focused on the dangers or an injury.
By John
May 24, 2006 01:00 PM | Link to this
Alex, Frozen paintballs are extremely brittle and don’t shoot well, they usually break before they even leave the marker. most Marbles are too small and can’t seal the barrel enough, most of the air required to shoot rushes passed them and the marble would just fall to the ground after traveling an extremely short distance.
please, don’t spread the negative hype without checking your facts.
-John
By Brendan
May 24, 2006 01:18 PM | Link to this
Hilarious article, Jeff. But, did anyone try any “mind-games” on Jaroslav, by calling him “Slowdry?” I really think it could have given one side a decided advantage.
And did you remind deVries and Modry that there’s only $350,000 separating to the D-men in salary? And how both are overpaid, and should get down on their hands and knees thank GOD that the Thrashers have a GM like Don Waddell, whose policy it is to inflate contracts by about 25-percent, across the board?
And lastly, is Kozlov going to remain on, at his current salary, for another year? Or will he test the waters of free agency?
On second thought, why agitate large men, who are professional athletes, and who are fully armed?
With one red welt on your inner thigh, you got away relatively easy, Jeff.
By Pantherssuck
May 24, 2006 01:33 PM | Link to this
Great, a blog about nerdball, I mean paintball. My God, any mindless nitwit who plays nerdball and then blogs about it in a SPORTS forum really has NO life!