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DEL.ICIO.USWeekend Predictions
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
Falcons forecast: Cold, defeat
Before launching into this week’s big game between the Chicago Bears and Michael’s Vick’s ribs, we have an update from the intersection of sports and far more important stuff.
Penthouse Magazine announced this week it will host a party Super Bowl week in Detroit featuring female brain surgeons (or not) wearing a full length coat of body paint, and possibly an earring. Penthouse therefore joins Playboy, Maxim and FHM in a combination of Super Bowl week parties that should help the Detroit Chamber of Commerce reach its primary objective, which is to help everybody forget that they’re in Detroit.
NFL Family Values commissioner Paul Tagliabue declined comment to Weekend Predictions, but noted that 10 percent of the proceeds from Super Soft Porn Week and the new Daunte Culpepper Check Out My Dinghy Interactive Exhibit at the NFL Experience will not go toward helping the city of New Orleans. Because, in his words, “We in the NFL are rich swine.” OK. So they were my words.
Which leads me to the Falcons. (Not really. But I’m running out of space.)
I don’t have a medical degree, but there are at least three things I know about bruised ribs: 1) It hurts to inhale; 2) It hurts to exhale; 3) It hurts to be hit by Brian Urlacher. Even if you use really good body paint.
The Falcons are coming off a short week. As the season has gone on, they’ve been pushed around on both lines with increasing regularity, They are not physical. They are not even partly physical. They’re barely “ph.”
Vick is tender. I don’t mean that in Elvis way. The Bears’ defense is banged up in the secondary but they’re fine up front. After allowing Pittsburgh 190 yards rushing last week, I’m also assuming they’re not real happy.
It will be cold tonight. The forecast calls for a low of 6, or minus-712 with the windchill. Cold, Urlacher, sore ribs. Bad threesome.
I know it’s Michael Vick vs. Kyle Orton. I know the Falcons feel like they have to win the game to make the playoffs, and they’re probably right. I know not being invited to the Penthouse party explains my bad mood. But wins over the Saints and Lions in the last five weeks don’t tell me this is their kind of game.
Chicago wins and covers 3.
FOUR BAGS
• Chargers at Colts: San Diego blew a home game to Miami, meaning it’s basically a three-team race (Chargers, Steelers, Chiefs) for one AFC wild-card spot (Jacksonville gets the other). Soon, a two-team race. Then there’s Indy, which is merely challenging teams from other decades. And planets. Colts make it 14 straight to tie ‘72 Dolphins — and cover the 7 1/2.
• Cowboys at Redskins: Wow, a Dallas-Washington game that actually matters again. Bill Parcells loosened up the offense last week against Kansas City (445 yards, 31-28 win) and is getting a little tired of griping from his players. He said he offered his whistle to them, but snapped, “No one has stepped up and taken it.” If Bill is grumpy, things are good. This team is going to the playoffs. Take the gift 3 but Dallas wins this straight up.
THREE BAGS
• Steelers at Vikings: So I get the whole “indecent conduct” and “disorderly conduct” charges against four Vikings. But why is the third, “lewd or lascivious conduct.” Can’t you just pick one, or is the prosecutor still breaking down game tape via Spectravision? On land, Minnesota has won six straight. I’m thinking that takes a back seat this week. Back seat — it’s an expression! Steelers cover 3.
TWO BAGS
• Eagles at Rams: The three greatest moments in the Civil Rights Movement: 1) March on Washington; 2) Rosa Parks refuses to give up her seat on the bus; 3) Donovan McNabb, back when he was a running quarterback. I think I speak for every Philadelphia fan when I say, let’s just forget about the game this week and have the head of the NAACP and its Philadelphia chairman go at it. Rams cover 3 1/2.
• Ark of the Lost Raiders: Kerry Collins was so bad that Oakland’s coach decided last week to start Marques Tuiasosopo, who responded by throwing for 124 yards, with two interceptions, two fumbles and six sacks. Hey look! Cleveland’s getting 3! Browns in an upset.
• Panthers at Saints: The last thing Jim Haslett needed to do was provide another example of why he’s a knucklehead. But he did so this week when he benched Aaron Brooks for the season and said: “It’s not an indictment of Aaron whatsoever.” Right. Remember that when Haslett is fired in three weeks and the Saints announced, “It’s not an indictment of Jim whatsoever.” Carolina covers 9.
• Bengals at Lions: As a Web crawler, I’ve got to give the nod to FireMattMillen.Net over FireMattMillen.com. It has an old picture of Millen (the player) slugging former Patriots general manager Patrick Sullivan and a free video game where you try to hit Millen (the target) moving around the stadium. I’m sorry, you expected something on zone coverages? Bengals cover 7 1/2.
• Jets at Dolphins: Nick Saban won’t win Coach of the Year but nobody has done more with less this season. The Fish have won three straight and have beaten three playoff contenders (Broncos, Panthers, Chargers). And if they lose to the Jets, I take it all back. Miami covers 8 1/2.
• Seahawks at Titans: Seattle has won nine straight and its last two by a combined 83-3. If the Seahawks keep this up, somebody might start to think they’ll actually win a playoff game this year. Naaaw. No blowout today, but 7 is covered.
• Phoney Niners at Jaguars: If things break right, Jacksonville could clinch its first playoff berth since 1999. The Niners counter with a perfect chemical imbalance: 32nd in offense, 32nd in defense. Jags win but won’t cover 15 1/2.
“KURT BROWNING’S GOTTA SKATE V” ON NBC
• Cardinals at Texans: I don’t know how much Texans owner Bob McNair is paying Dan Reeves as a consultant for six weeks, but it would seem to me the analysis is going to be fairly straightforward: Dude, your team stinks. Houston covers 1.
• Packers at Ravens: Monday Night Football has gone from a centerpiece to that indefinable substance that wraps itself around the hair you pull out of the drain. Eeeoo. Could be a big week for Brett Favre. I think he finally found a quarterback he’s better than, although I’m not sure because I can’t remember who starts for Baltimore. Take the 3 1/2 — and the Pack in a straight upset.
DOWN THE STRETCH
(I was starting to get too good. So I had to blow a few on purpose last week.)
Last week: 12-4 straight up; 4-9-3 against the line
Fiscal season: 134-56 straight up; 102-80-8 against the line
Permalink | Comments (14) | Categories: Falcons / NFL, Jeff Schultz
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By Peter
December 17, 2005 05:43 PM | Link to this
And just exactly how is it that you would know what was in Penthouse magazine this month??
It’s not like Time or Newsweek. We don’t get those until Sunday night. Lucy you got some ‘splainin to do.
By Reggie
December 17, 2005 05:46 PM | Link to this
Change your photo, Jeff. The one you have looks like a “Yes Dear, right away snookums” pose. Other than that, good job.
By SouthernJackassradiopersonalitygonehaywire
December 17, 2005 05:56 PM | Link to this
What the Hell! is this football s** doing on a Braves site?…what happened to Furman Bisher’s article that was here just a few minutes ago?…stupid jerks!
By LeTwan Anthony
December 17, 2005 08:22 PM | Link to this
Hey, AJC read the papers (not yours, of course). The Braves are for sale. Where is Mr. Bisher’s article? SJRPGH seems to have it pegged just right. C’mon get in the game.
By geechee
December 17, 2005 08:31 PM | Link to this
Calm down everyone. The NSA had suspicions about Bisher’s column. It seems they think there were some sort of encoded messages from Furman to Osama and just to be sure they had to check it out themselves. It will be wiped clean of any secret encoding and should be reposted at a later date still to be determined.
By SpecialEd
December 17, 2005 08:48 PM | Link to this
I’m thspecial dammit!…
By keeping it REAL
December 17, 2005 08:58 PM | Link to this
Mora it’s time to see what kind of coach you relly are ,what kind of game plan on both side of the ball you have. the pat’s showed you how to beat the buc’s. Get this team up is your job. this is your defineing game a real coach are a real wabe!!!
By SouthernJackassradiopersonalitygonehaywire
December 17, 2005 09:03 PM | Link to this
Well with that strong arm of Michael Vick I guess he will make the Braves a good closer, or the way he scrambles, and is quick on his feet, he would also make the Braves a good lead off man and base stealer, or both. NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU IMBECILES DID WITH FURMAN BISHER’S ARTICLE THAT WAS ON HERE JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO?…I don’t give a good rat’s a* about this football s..hit…get it together AJCor get it off!…
By Willie
December 17, 2005 10:46 PM | Link to this
Do we have to be so rude? I’m speaking of you Braves fans. Well any way Mr. SCHULTZ…I’m afraid you missed this Falcons pick two weeks in a row(picked against the spread in Saints game). The Falcons will beat the Bears up in Chicago just like they beat the Packers up in Green Bay! However, I’m glad you picked against them. It just shows the Falcons don’t have home field advantage in the media at home. Falcons win by 7, 17-10. That 4 linemen and 4 linebackers scheme will stop the run enough.Orton can’t produce 25% of what Vick will, plus the Bears secondary is missing their top 3 safties. Falcons win!
By old timer
December 17, 2005 11:02 PM | Link to this
Still without power, I stagger to a computer somewhere and get football on a Braves site?
By AlbieRockerson
December 18, 2005 12:13 AM | Link to this
GO BRAVES!
By Get Real
December 18, 2005 10:56 PM | Link to this
My GOD this team SUCKS!!! I’m sick of everything about the team! Sick of a million dollar QB that looks completely lost, a non-existent defense, retarded play calling, and a bunch of low-class, two bit thugs trying to start a fight on every play! Hello boys!! This isn’t the inner city Atlanta ghettos…try and at least act like professionals and adults while your on national television. Time to shut this beeeyatch down and start all over AGAIN!!!
By disgustedfalconsfan
December 18, 2005 11:01 PM | Link to this
Vick is awful and needs to be benched…period!!!!The absolute worst and most overpaid QB in the game. Cannot make a pass for nothing not to mention reading a defense. Knapp must go also…2nd and 20..3rd and 20 and we run????I guess when u have a Vick passing u have no choice….UNREAL…PLease Arthur ..wake up and dump Vick or make him a receiver….he is by no means even an average QB!!!
By Eric C.
December 18, 2005 11:24 PM | Link to this
What the hell is going on? Run stuffed on 3rd and 1 and they run the same freakin play on 4th down…my 4 year old daughter could have figured that one out…why????????????????