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DEL.ICIO.USWeekend Predictions: Colts will lose, but, like, not yet
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
I know the Indianapolis Colts are not going undefeated.
I know this because an online betting service says the odds are against it, and more important, Brooke Burke gazed into my eyes like no one-dimensional women ever had in my history of full screen, one-dimensional relationships and promised me I could trust her. Brooke would not lie to me.
“Hi [Jeff]. I’m Brooke Burke and I’m as wild on sports as I am on exotic travel.”
Ohhh, yeah.
Brooke tells me this with a twinkle in her eyes on Sportsbook.com, which also has links to her instructional videos, as well as past speeches on global economics. OK, maybe not the speeches.
“They’ve got ALL the action,” Brooke says. “It’s quick. It’s easy. And it’s totally confidential.”
Um. Are we still talking about sports?
There are five videos, two in which Brooke wears the tight black top and three in which she wears the lacy blue top.
In one, she says, “Do you know, there’s, like, a billion online casinos?”
Like, no, I didn’t.
I was so thrown by that statistic, I almost forgot what Brooke was wearing.
Almost.
So. Speaking of statistics: Brooke is …
Check that. The Colts are 10-0. According to my soothsayer, the pressure will get to them. The odds are 3-1 against running the table and 12-1 against Brooke putting together another complete sentence.
This week, Indy plays host to the ‘Burgh. The Steelers haven’t lost to the Colts since 1984. They also get back quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who is 18-1 as a starter.
Miss Hottie’s probably right. The Colts will go down.
But not this week.
Sorry, babe. I’m just not feeling it. Work with me a little. Got any other shirts?
Colts cover 8.
FOUR BAGS
• Giants at Seahawks: Some think Seattle is the class of the NFC. But I still see Matt Hasselbeck and eventual doom. Then again, this could be an NFC title game preview, the resuscitation of the Falcons notwithstanding. Take the Giants and 41/2 — and in a straight upset.
THREE BAGS
•Bears at Bucs: Chicago is allowing 11 points per game. In the just-along-for-the-ride category, Kyle Orton makes Trent Dilfer look like Otto Graham. Make that seven straight for the Bears — and take the gift 3.
• Patriots at Chiefs: Kansas City lineman Lional Dalton was arrested Friday for allegedly grabbing his wife by the hair and pulling her down. But coach Dick Vermeil did not immediately rule him out for the game. Talk about a man desperate for a tackle. Take New England and 3 — and in a straight upset.
TWO BAGS
• Panthers at Bills: J.P. Losman replaces Kelly Holcomb, who replaced J.P. Losman, who has been given no assurances of starting after today. All of which leads to: Duh, Carolina covers 4.
• Chargers at Redskins: It’s Dan Snyder Nightmare Month. He lost last week to one former coach (Norv Turner) and today loses to another (Marty Schottenheimer). As long as he stays out of the SEC East, it won’t get any worse. Take San Diego, punt the 3.
• Dolphins at Raiders: Nick Saban must have realized this season would be a headache. But could he have expected that Ricky Williams would be the bright spot last week? Where do you go after a 22-0 loss to Cleveland? Here: Oakland covers 7.
• Packers at Eagles: The good news, Philly fans: The Eagles plan to divvy up all of the salary they’re recouping from Terrell Owens and will distribute it equally to all attending today’s game. Kidding. Discounted tickets? Free beer? No. No. But you do get Mike McMahon to L.J. Smith. Standard armor recommended in the 700 level. Eagles win, but take the Pack and 41/2.
• Ravens at Bengals: Chester Taylor has taken over as the primary ball carrier in Baltimore. Jamal Lewis seems resigned to the fact he’s a goner. The good news is, he and Reuben Houston can take business courses together in Bolivia. Cincy covers 9.
• Browns at Vikings: So maybe sailing on the Boom Boom Boat wasn’t such a bad idea, after all. Minnesota has won four of the past five and can at least dream about an improbable playoff run. A trip to Amsterdam ought to put them over the top. Vikes win but won’t cover the 4.
• Jaguars at Cardinals: Byron Leftwich has 10 touchdowns and two interceptions in the past six games. Arizona has 12 passing TDs and 13 interceptions all season. Jax covers 3 on the road.
WHO’S UP FOR BOWLING?
• Rams at Texans: Combined, these two teams have allowed 592 points. They could make the Swiss Army look like a threat, with that advancing front of toothpicks and mini-corkscrews. Take Houston and 3 1/2 — and in a straight upset.
• 2-8 at 2-8: The 49ers’ website is building up this week’s grudge match between kicker Joe Nedney and his former team, Tennessee. That should drive ticket sales. Titans cover 8 1/2.
• 2-8 at 2-8 (II): The Jets don’t have a quarterback. The Saints have Aaron Brooks. Advantage: Jets. Take New York to cover 1 at home.
PROGRESS REPORT (Still profitable. Still waiting for commissions. I have friends.) • Last week: 8-8 straight up, 9-7 against the line. • Fiscal season: 97-47 straight up, 77-63-4 against the line.
Permalink | Comments (1) | Categories: Falcons / NFL, Jeff Schultz
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By Carroll
November 27, 2005 03:57 PM | Link to this
YYYYYEEEEESSSS! I love seeing the Tamp Gay Suckin-Queers lose AT HOME!!! What’s wrong, Powder (Chris Sims)???!! What’s wrong Chuckie (John Gruden)?!! Why ain’t ya doin your little jiggy dance all over Raymond James field the way you did last week?!! Ha! Losers!