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DEL.ICIO.USWeekend Predictions
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
We here at Weekend Predictions Inc., NFL Sunday and Lingerie Division, understand how your spirits might be down ever since learning recently that Atlanta failed again to win a Super Bowl bid.
But take comfort, because we still hold strong influence in the league in at least one area: Strippers!
Yes, it’s true. The investigation into the Minnesota Vikings’ Lust Boat cruise has revealed that strippers were flown in from three cities, including Atlanta, according to the St. Paul Pioneer Press.
It’s not known how this information will be taken by NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, who seems to prefer all extra-curricular activities somehow be channeled through businesses in warm-weather climates, specifically Miami and Tampa. But it would explain Friday’s announcement by the Atlanta Sports Council that all future Super Bowl bids will be handled by the newly formed committee of Trixi, Bambi, Candi, Cyndi, Serenity, Passion and Joy. (I didn’t phone Gary Stokan of the Sports Council to confirm this, but they don’t make anything public anyway. So I’m going with it.)
None of this necessarily leads me to the Falcons game, but as we like to say, transitions are for wimps.
On Monday night, in the national spotlight, with nary a buck-naked cruise director in sight, the Falcons play host to the New York Jets. The Falcons can run — they just can’t stop it.
Sometimes they can pass, but they can’t stop that either.
But somehow, they win. Against the Jets, they’ll do it again. But 7? Don’t think so. Falcons win but sail with the Jets and the points.
4 BAGS
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: The Bengals think they’re pretty good and the pecking order in the AFC Central is about to change. They’re half right. Carson Palmer and Ben Roethlisberger may be a push but there’s one thing the Steelers can do that the Bengals can’t: stop the run. Make that 10 straight on the road for the ‘burgh. Take Steelers and the point.
3 BAGS
San Diego at Philadelphia: Actual factual: The Eagles’ pass-to-run ratio is nearly 4-to-1, which explains running back Brian Westbrook venting this week. And if you’re into conspiracy theories: Westbrook is looking for a long-term deal but doesn’t have any stats to bring to the table, which must mean … nah. Take the Chargers and four — and in a straight upset.
Denver at N.Y. Giants: The Broncos have won five straight. They won 13 straight in 1998, then lost in Jersey. If they can’t beat Danny Kannell, how will they beat Eli Manning? Giants cover 2.
2 BAGS
Green Bay at Minnesota: Vikes ex-owner Red McCombs on criticism from current owner Zygi Wilf: “I don’t know what Mr. Wilf has been smoking. I know that I turned over to him one of the better sports organizations in the country.” Which country? Bolivia? Packers cover 2.
Tennessee at Arizona: Denny Green won’t divulge Arizona’s starting QB. So: Kurt Warner is 0-3 with zero TDs in those starts. Josh McCown is 1-1 with four TDs and 689 yards in those starts. OK, Denny. Don’t tell us. Cards cover 3 1/2.
Dallas at Seattle: Peerless Price steps in for the injured Patrick Crayton, assuming he can get someone to take his shift at Sonic. Seahawks cover a field goal.
Buffalo at Oakland: Is it just me or was Randy Moss a lot better when he was running over meter maids? Now he’s injured. Imagine if the Raiders do better without him. Oakland covers 3.
6-0 at 0-5: Indy is allowing 9.5 points per game. The Texans allow that on weekdays. So now that I’ve swung you to one side, try this: Colts win but take Houston and 16.
LET’S PLANT PANSIES
Money Grubbers Bowl: If New Orleans owner Tom Benson needs advice on how to hijack a team from a city, he can ask Rams owner Georgia Frontiere today. She’ll be on the speaker phone. From her yacht. Rams cover 3.
Baltimore at Chicago: It’s Ray Lewis vs. Brian Urlacher. Sort of. This game has viewing issues. Ravens win, 4-3. (Take the point.)
Detroit at Cleveland: The Lions have lost seven straight road games and now they have to decide between Joey Harrington and Jeff Garcia. Arsenic, take six. Browns win, but take Lions and 3.
San Francisco at Washington: The Phoney Niners traded quarterback Tim Rattay, thereby throwing Alex Smith to the T-Rexes. Is comic relief a draft-order tiebreaker? Skins win but take Niners and 12 1/2.
GET YOUR SCORECARDS
Sign up now and receive a copy of Michael Jordan’s new book of rationalizations, including this whopper: “I don’t have a gambling problem. I’m just really competitive.” (Just so you know, most drug addicts actually hate drugs. They just really like the buzz.)
Straight up: 12-2 last week, 47-26 overall.
Against the line: 10-4 last week, 39-33-1 overall.
Permalink | Comments (10) | Categories: Falcons / NFL, Jeff Schultz
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By Neil Helm
October 22, 2005 12:44 AM | Link to this
Dumb a* Warner has thrown a touchdown pass retard. To Larry Fritzgerald. Also when warner was playing Anquan Boldin and Larry put up so freaky numbers in those first to games! They were 7 and 8 in the league in Receptions yards so shut the f*** up uncivilzed p** of s**. Go back to deliverance were you come from!
By Stevie T.
October 22, 2005 08:23 AM | Link to this
Settle down beavis….
By eric
October 22, 2005 12:47 PM | Link to this
this guy is pure idiot. Another ATL writer, who hates his own team. Get a real job, hack!
By Eli
October 22, 2005 10:47 PM | Link to this
How about some sort of moderator for the posts on Schultz’s colum? There’s no reason we should have to read ignorant, obscenity-filled posts from people like Neil Helm every week. Just because you’re too slow to understand sarcasm and likely 13 years old doesn’t mean you have to expose your mental (in)capacity to the rest of us.
By Birdbrain
October 23, 2005 04:17 AM | Link to this
Helm IS the moderator.
By Chris
October 23, 2005 05:05 AM | Link to this
So, I didn’t realize that you could lose a game when you exit in the second quarter with an injury while your team is still within striking distance. So, in reality, Kurt is 0-2, McCown 1-2 with his sole victory coming against the lowly 49ers. Kurt’s yardage is suspiciously absent from your paragraph, because it is similar to McCown’s. Kurt would’ve had a great shot to defeat the Rams with seconds left but his offensive lineman generated a false start, and, of course, Kurt got blamed for the miscue(those saying he should’ve spiked the ball). Anyways, I’m a die hard Warnerite and I will defend his MVP-ness, leadership, big game experience and smarts which make him the better starter, in my opinion.
By dray
October 23, 2005 11:06 PM | Link to this
I am worried about the D-Fense. Especially the middle of the field run support. Do we need to go back to a 3-4???? Despite Boley’s impressive debut as a starter at OLB, last week we seemed to be one LB short in the middle of the field, and the opposition was running wild up the middle. It was like no one was there or able to do anything, and as a result our safeties, who aren’t the greatest tacklers in the world, were left alone to make plays. Any ideas to solve this???
By shultzsux@fu.com
October 24, 2005 11:23 PM | Link to this
Wrong as usual AZZHOLE.
By dug
October 25, 2005 12:58 AM | Link to this
Okay I might be losing it a little but have anyone else noticed the strange message at the end of the brand new mitsubishi raider commercial? when the raider pulls off look to the left of the screen through the dust. you’ll see some weird stuff. But there are two versions playing. One with it and one without it. check it out
By karlan
October 26, 2005 11:03 PM | Link to this
Dug. You’re not losing it unless I am, too! Is it some kind of Kanji symbol(s)?