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2005 > September > 16 > Entry
Weekend Predictions
By Jeff Schultz
| Friday, September 16, 2005, 07:46 PM
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jeff Schultz
Let me start by congratulating last week’s 47 alert readers who went 7-0 in the Only NFL Picks That I was Really Serious About.
The Only Picks I Was Serious About are found hidden among other selections - of course, the ones I wasn’t serious about. They are discovered only by veteran Weekend Predictions readers, usually with the aid of a decoder ring, three Buds and a Paul Tagliabue sock pocket. (To obtain your decoder ring, please send $10 to Underpaid Columnist and Investment Adviser, AJC, 72 Marietta St., Atlanta.)
Last week’s first attempt to pick every NFL game went just OK. Even counting both real and phony picks, we were 8-7 against the spread. That wouldn’t get me into the NFL. These guys make money every time somebody sneezes. Sports Business Journal reported the league made $25 million when its merchandising partner, Reebok, was bought by adidas.
NFL Predictions have not yet gone public, but here’s the next best thing: Another guaranteed winner! The Falcons are one point underdogs to Seattle. I can only assume somebody factored relative humidity of the two cities into the equation, because football-wise it makes no sense.
Take the Falcons and the point, and look out for other serious picks below:
4-BAGS
Patriots at Panthers: In their first game without Charlie Weis, the Patriots had four touchdowns, a field goal and 22 first downs. So. Anybody else want to predict New England’s demise? Pick: Pats cover 3.
3-BAGS
Dolphins at Jets: An online betting service posted odds on whether N.Y. QB Chad Pennington (six fumbles, three lost last week) will lose a fumble today. “Yes” dropped to 5-1 after Herm Edwards bet 10 large and his Aunt Edna. Pick: Jets win but won’t cover the 6.
Chargers at Broncos: There is some good news for Mike Shanahan. He’s going to look a lot smarter in a network studio next season. Pick: San Diego plus 3.
Minnesota at Cincinnati: Vikings QB Daunte Culpepper had five turnovers last week. If these were actual Men of Thor, he would’ve had leeches attached to his head. Pick: Take the gift 3, but Minny wins in straight upset.
Pittsburgh at Houston: Tommy Maddox may start and the Steelers are favored by a touchdown? So when did one plus one start equaling 278? Pick: Texans and 6.
2-BAGS
Browns at Packers: Javon Walker said he wanted to hold out for a new contract. Brett Favre called him out in public. Javon Walker reported, played and tore his ACL. So. Anybody else think Brett Favre owes Javon Walker his 401k? Pick: Pack straight up, Brownies with the 6 1/2.
Chiefs at Raiders: So Female 1 didn’t like the fact that Larry Johnson was putting the moves on Female 2 and things got ugly. Larry, I can relate, my man. My female walked in once when I was putting the moves on Female 2. But all my wife could do about it was punch the computer screen. Where was I? Oh yeah. Pick: Chiefs cover 1.
Saints at Giants: Welcome to New Orleans’ transported “home” opener. Does the “N” in NFL stand for National or New York? Pick: Teacher’s pets cover 3.
Rubber Cones at Indy: In seven starts against Jacksonville, Peyton Manning has thrown for 17 touchdowns, 4 interceptions and 1,948 yards. It would be worse but he laughs controllably in the third quarter, turns blue and passes out. Pick: Colts cover 9.
Phoney Niners at Philly: And this week, Jeremiah Trotter takes on a point guard from the YMCA’s 5-foot-6-and-under league. What a dolt. Pick: Eagles cover the 12 1/2.
Cowboys and Indians: Real research (forgive me): The Redskins have lost nine straight in Dallas, a span covering five head coaches and seven starting quarterbacks. It’s all Bush’s fault. Pick: Cowboys cover 6.
Option 1: Real World Marathon
Shams at Cardinals: Great story breaking in St. Louis this week about a Rams’ official leaving a threatening message about Mike Martz on a columnist’s voicemail. Almost makes you feel sorry for Martz. Hah! OK, that feeling passed. Pick: Cards cover 1.
Bills at Bucs: Buffalo has a defense. Tampa Bay has Brian Griese. Not fair. Pick: Bills and 2 1/2 � and a straight upset.
Ravens at Titans: The first touchdown you see will be a mirage. The second touchdown you see will be followed by a court order and Nurse Ratchett. Pick: Anybody getting points? Perfect. Tennessee and 3 1/2.
Detroit at Chicago: Headline in Chicago Tribune this week: “Bears must work on offensive shortcomings.” Coming next week: Lindy made it. Pick: Lions cover 1 1/2.
First 17th Earnings
Straight up: 10-5.
Against the line: 8-7.
Lock of the week: Deadbolt.
DEPT. OF HINDSIGHT
Straight up: 5-1 last week, 10-3 overall
Spreadables: 2-4 last week, 6-7 overall
Rock-paper-scissors: 12-6-2
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Falcons / NFL, Jeff Schultz
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Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By FalconW810
September 17, 2005 09:43 PM | Link to this
th
By Joe Blow
September 19, 2005 11:22 AM | Link to this
Could you have had a worse week? By my quick count (and I’m not going to go back and confirm this since that would be too painful) you got - maybe - three or four picks right. Why not flip a coin next time?
By Mr. C
September 20, 2005 01:52 PM | Link to this
H O R R I B L E. Even my grandma can do better than this and she doesn’t even understand football. Do they really pay you for your predictions? I thought AJC was smarter than that!!!
By wes
September 21, 2005 04:31 PM | Link to this
Wow, Jeff, man, you’ve really hit rock bottom here. Here’s a suggestion. On collegefootballnews.com they have a picker named “Clucko”. CLucko is a chicken and they put the names of the two teams playing each other in a food dish. Whichever dish Clucko eats out 1st becomes Clucko’s pick for the week. Maybe you could do something similar with your pet hampsters at home.