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Friday, July 7, 2006
These Cuppies runneth over
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
With only the perfunctory (heh, heh) 3rd place and championship matches awaiting, Off the Ball has been laboring profusely to put together a memorable salute to the World Cup, one who’s legacy may be roundly debated for years.
Some wags are bemoaning that this could be the lowest-scoring Cup since the dreadful ‘90 Italia. Others see the rise of the old powers and the fading of the new kids on the block as the best storyline. Then you have assorted refereeing fiascoes, an epidemic of diving and whining, etc., that come every four years. Here’s FIFA’s All-Star team, which as usual ought to start some heated discussions.
OTB is only happy to pile on, offering below the results of her one-woman committee’s list of superlatives and stupidities, highs and lows, peaks and valleys, yings and yangs, etc.
Drum roll, please, for the inaugural OTB presentation of The Cuppies … … …
Best Game: Germany vs. Italy, semifinals. An OT classic heartbreaker. The worse heartbreak would have been going to PKs.
Best Goal: Maxi Rodriguez, Mexico vs. Argentina. A curling OT classic for any time.
Best Moment: Zinedine Zidane, France, with a brilliant free kick to set up Thierry Henry’s equally brilliant volley goal against Brazil in semifinals. The stuff of dreams.
Most Important Players: Fabio Cannavaro and Andrea Pirlo, Italy. Nothing flashy, but indispensable.
Best Goalkeeper: Gianluigi Buffon, Italy, with Germany’s Jens Lehmann not far behind.
Best Coach: Juergen Klinsmann, Germany. Is the U.S. job next for this resident of the O.C.?
Worst Wanker Move: Wayne Rooney, England, crushing the tender parts of Portugal’s prone Ricardo Carvalho with his cleats, then kvetching about the red card. Bloody wanker.
Dumbest Coaching Move, In-Game: Jose Pekerman, Argentina, removing Juan Riquelme and not putting in Leonel Messi vs. Germany with the game lurching toward OT.
Dumbest Coaching Move, Off-Field: England’s Sven-Göran Eriksson taking untested 17-year-old striker Theo Walcott, but never playing him.
Most Overrated Player: Ronaldinho, Brazil. But OTB adores him with Barcelona.
Most Overrated Player, Stars and Stripes Division: Landon Donovan. He should ask Klinsmann how it’s possible to live near the California surf and still succeed in Germany.
Most Overrated Team: Brazil. Too much fancy dancing, without the results, by the Samba Boys.
Most Overrated Team, non-Brazil Division: England. Why did we ever believe the hype? Because we’re two nations separated by a common language?
Best Overachieving Team: Australia. They were only a PK away from the quarters. Oy! Oy! Oy!
All Hat and No Cattle Champs: Spain. The reigning and perpetual winner.
Best Revelations: Frank Ribery, France and Lukas Podolski, Germany. Good kids shine in an old man’s tourney.
Worst Revelations: All the tatoos running up and down the arms of some Italian players.
Best (or Worst?) Dive: Fabio Grosso, Italy vs. Australia, who was still very adorable doing so.
Biggest Crybaby: Cristiano Ronaldo, Portugal, who was still very adorable being one.
Team Diving/Histrionics Champs: Portugal and Italy, which were still very adorable becoming such.
Dull As Dishwater Champs: The Ukraine. Makes Andrei Shevchenko’s success look all the more admirable.
Prettiest Hair: Luca Toni, Italy. He jumped right out of a Fellini movie and into the Azzurri side. Close runner-up, Luis Figo of Portugal.
Prettiest Hair, Hairless Division: Fabien Barthez, GK, France. The beauty of the baldies. Forever.
Ugliest Hair: Fernando Torres, Spain. The madre of all mullets.
Prettiest Uniforms: Portugal. Burgundy is beautiful, with just the right touch of green. Anything else is a bad fraternity combo.
Ugliest Uniforms: England and Germany. White shirts, black shorts, blah, blah, blah.
Best Referee: Horacio Elizondo, Argentina, who not surprisingly will call the Italy-France final. No relation to Hector that we know of.
Worst Referee (and that’s saying something): Valentin Ivanov, Russia, in World Cup record four-red card slugfest between Portugal and Holland. Within hours, he was dispatched Back to the (former) U.S.S.R.
Coolest Sideline Demeanor: France coach Raymond Domenech, a dead ringer for a St Germain cafe regular.
Wackiest Sideline Demeanor: Portugal coach Luiz Felipe Scolari, who kicks and gyrates more than his movie double, Gene Hackman, in “Hoosiers.”
Best Blog, non-OTB Division: Who Ate All the Bratwurst. It’s not just about the name. And it’s British, naturally.
Best Non-Blog Fun Internet Thingy: The Guardian’s World Cup Show, a daily podcast that revels in the kind of wit, cheap gags and improvised Esperanto that OTB ultimately and shamelessly aspires to imitate.
Did I miss anything? Do you have some Cuppies of your own? Pile on yourself and I’ll return before Sunday’s final.
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