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Home > Jeff Schultz > Archives > 2008 > November > 27
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Dogs gonna get stung by Jackets
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
For as much the Japanese blew the United States away with plasma TV sets that slide on your ring finger and cars that get more than 7.4 miles per gallon (on the highway, downhill), they seem to be having issues with the basics.
I cite this week’s story out of northern Japan, where zookeepers were dumbfounded why two polar bears just wouldn’t mate. For six months.
At first, they figured it was the usual. She wanted to talk, he wanted a sandwich. She wanted to dance, he wanted a Barcalounger. She asked that one question that tends to end every relationship: “What do you think?”
But no, the problem turned out to be something far more significant. They were both females!
“Observing his behaviors, we got suspicious as to whether Tsuyoshi was really a male,” the zoo said in a statement. And you know, I really like it when I don’t even have to make this stuff up.
Zookeepers finally sedated “Tsuyoshi” and discovered his, well, polarhood. Following this moment of clarity, the zoo abandoned breeding plans. It’s believed the two female bears then got up at 4 o’clock that morning to save 37 cents on Play-Doh and dish towels.
Speaking of moments of clarity — aspiring journalists: this would be the transition — there have been a few about Georgia and Georgia Tech this season. The Bulldogs began the year No. 1 but turned out to be not that great. The Yellow Jackets began the year as a project but turned out to be not that bad.
The Dogs are the better team — when they care. But they struggled against Kentucky and Auburn, not long after Florida stole their polarhood.
The line has dropped to eight points. I’m not sure Tech has enough offense. But I’m pretty sure which team still has a pulse. Give me the eight points. In fact, give me an upset. And make me a sandwich.
Keggers
• Auburn at Alabama: Both teams are coming off byes, which gave Tommy Tuberville a week to paint the trim in his house and get it ready for the market, and Nick Saban time to conquer Austria and Liechtenstein. Bama ends the six-year nightmare — but won’t cover 14.
• Florida at FSU: Remember when Larry Holmes fought an old Muhammad Ali and felt so bad about pounding him in the corner that he turned to the ref and said, “Stop the fight”? Urban Meyer vs. Bobby Bowden. Gators cover 16-1/2.
• Virginia at Virginia Tech: It’s such an important game that Frank Beamer declined to let the media speak to his players. Remember when the Hokies were so good that they could answer probing questions like, “How do you feel, Bobby?” without falling to pieces? Still, VaTech covers 8.
• Kentucky at Tennessee: Three weeks after being fired, Phil Fulmer exits on “Phil Fulmer Appreciation Day.” Make sense? Is Johnny Majors going to give him back his knife during halftime ceremonies? Vols cover 4-1/2.
• LSU at Arkansas: Bobby Petrino made it 13 games as the Falcons coach before turning into an invertebrate. The good news about going 1-7 in the SEC is the Piggies aren’t bowl eligible, so the year won’t be so taxing, big fella. Tigers cover 4-1/2.
NFL Value Menu
(Sleight-of-Hand Dept: Falcons announced that they feel your pain and will start payment options for immediate season ticket renewals, but backdoor the news that prices will skyrocket next season.)
• Falcons at Chargers: LaDainian Tomlinson has run for 770 yards and five touchdowns. His former backup, Michael Turner, has run for 1,088 yards and 13 touchdowns. I figured this would go over better than recounting who made out better in the Michael Vick trade again. Take the gift 5, but Birds win this straight up.
• Steelers at Patriots: Matt Cassel, who is making the NFL minimum, has thrown for 815 yards and six touchdowns in the last two games. But Pittsburgh’s defense: not good for a free agent’s resume. Steelers win (take the 1).
• Broncos at Jets: I’m sure it made Mike Smith feel really good that Denver lost to Oakland the week after winning in the Georgia Dome. Waiter, another hemlock smoothie please. Jets win, but won’t cover the 7 1/2.
• Dolphins at Rams: Marc Bulger has a concussion. With any luck, he has forgotten whom he plays for. Fish win.
• Giants at Redskins: New York has scored 35, 36, 30 and 37 in the last four against pretty good teams (Dallas, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Arizona). Sorry for the research. Trying to fill my quota. The 3 1/2 is covered.
Financial ledger
(It was a good week. You may bow now.)
• Last week: 9-2 straight up, 8-3 against the line.
• Season to date: 88-42 straight up, 65-63-2 against the line.
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