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Home > Jeff Schultz > Archives > 2008 > October > 23
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Football picks that won’t shrink your boobs
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Mr. Dow Jones, whom I’ve never personally met and seems as stable as Lou Holtz doing standup at a mikvah, continued his acid trip Thursday. The market finished up 172 points, which follows a 700-point decline, which followed a 400 rise, which followed the pits of hell.
And did Mr. Dow Jones tell you that Georgia wouldn’t cover against Vandy and the Raiders would upset Brett Favre and everybody in his Fave Five? No. That would be me.
But there is a bigger concern now than the housing market or the economy. A study in Sweden indicates that drinking three cups of coffee a day can shrink breast size, news that may crush Starbucks, particularly locations close to country clubs or any home tuned to, “The Real House Bubbleheads of Atlanta.”
For the record, I drink seven cups of coffee a day and my boobs haven’t shrunk. But, quoting Helena Jernstroem, a lecturer at Sweden’s Lund University: “Drinking coffee can have a major effect on breast size. Coffee-drinking women do not have to worry their breasts will shrink to nothing overnight. The breasts aren’t just going to disappear.”
This doesn’t really have a lot to do with the Georgia-LSU game, but I really hate breaking down blocking schemes. Then again, the Bulldogs may want to treat the Tigers’ defensive front to some French roast.
Georgia is out of time. Step up or get out of BCS fantasyland. This week won’t be easy. Next week will be worse. But one DD monument at a time.
Oh Barista: a mild upset please. Dogs win (and take the 2).
School Daze
• Virginia at Tech: Shouldn’t take long for Virginia to come down from the high of a three-game winning streak. They’re the Jackets’ homecoming opponent. They’ve also lost their only two road games (Connecticut and Duke) by a combined 76-13, give or take an appendage. Buzz rolls on. But they won’t cover 12.
• Alabama at Tennessee: Ken Stabler, former QB and winner of the Bathtub Gin Invitational, was somehow found not guilty of DUI by a smalltown Alabama judge — despite a state trooper testifying he had slurred speech, his car stunk of booze and he refused a breathalyzer. Judge James Sweet left the court without comment. Something about a game to get to. Roll, Justice! Tide wins, but take the Vols and 6 1/2.
• Petrino and the Little Piggies: Arkansas has won four straight over Mississippi by scores of 35-3, 28-17, 38-3 and 44-8. But its coach was Houston Nutt, who was run out of town and is now the mayor of Oxford. Bobby Petrino? He said Arkansas “will grow from giving away a game” to Kentucky. Suddenly, Beelzebub is a gelding. Rebels cover 5.
• Kentucky at Florida: Don’t even look, little Doggies. Gators cover the 241/2 by “… and the home of the brave.”
• Virginia Tech at FSU: If this V-Tech falls and the G-Tech wins, the Jackets have a clear path to the ACC title game. Next thing you know, things will really get crazy and they’ll sell out a home game. Noles cover 5.
Matt Ryan Swoon Over America Tour
• Falcons at Eagles: Ryan returns home to Philly. Something tells me this isn’t going down as easily as mom’s meatloaf. The Eagles get back Brian Westbrook, and Jim Johnson has had a week to prepare his defense for the NFL’s hot little team. Check? Eagles cover nine.
• Chiefs at Jets: The Jets waited all last week. But Brett Favre never phoned to tell them how to beat the Raiders. New York wins, but give me K.C. and the 13.
• Bucs at Cowboys: Wade Phillips says he is taking over defensive plays. How long do you think before Jerry Jones tells him his headset isn’t plugged in? Bucs in an upset (but take the 2 1/2).
• Giants at Steelers: Hines Ward threw a block last week and broke somebody’s jaw. I’m fairly certain he’ll never have to pay for a meal in Pittsburgh ever again. Pitt covers the 3.
• Raiders at Ravens: They were going to hold this game at Attica. But 78 percent of the convicted felons felt it would interfere with their rehabilitation. Baltimore covers 7.
Blue-chip indicators
Last week: 9-1 straight up, 5-5 against the line.
Progress report: 51-27 straight up, 35-41-2 a.t.l.
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