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Home > Jeff Schultz > Archives > 2008 > October > 16
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Saving the economy with football picks
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In yet another sign of how the economy is crushing the small business owner, a man in Vero Beach, Fla., this week went to the drive-thru window at a McDonalds and tried to pay for his food with marijuana.
The transaction never was completed and the man was arrested, but it did give McDonald’s the idea of test marketing the, “Really Really Happy Meal,” of which, of course, the average Vero Beach drive-thru customer would eat, oh, I dunno, 27.
Hey, it’s business.
This week at Clemson, Tommy Bowden “resigned” just as the athletics director was painting over his name in the parking lot. Bowden got $3.5 million to just go away. Hey, it’s business. Factoring for inflation, the Tigers used to pay at least that for players when Danny Ford was winning titles.
Now they’re honest. But they stink. Clemson hasn’t won the ACC in 17 years. The football team is so bad that admissions is starting to worry because students are beginning to realize, “Aaagh! We’re in Clemson!”
This week, the Tigers will be coached by Dabo Swinney, who might be a really nice guy, but has no shot with that name. Clemson is a home underdog (2 points) to Georgia Tech, which is just happy to not be playing another 1-AA team (more like a 1-C-minus).
Paul Johnson said he expects Clemson to “play like their hair is on fire.” Safe to assume somebody is about to get lit up. What’s that smell?
Give the two. Jackets cover.
College Mini-Pack
• Vandy at Georgia: The Bulldogs have been penalized 64 times for 513 yards. Given Mark Richt’s spiritual beliefs, isn’t it time to put a confessional booth on the sideline? Dogs win. But give me the 15 and the smart team.
• The U(gly) at Duke: The ACC question of the week: Which program has more cache, Miami or Duke? The Canes are still looking for their first conference win. Lose this and they’ll be bolted to last place. Miami covers 41/2.
• Old Ms. at Alabama: Just pencil in 9-0 and seven parades until LSU week. And then a prediction that will astound you! (Marketing made me do that.) Tide covers 13.
• Arkansas at Kentucky: Bobby Petrino returns to the state where he went 4-0 against Kentucky and held job interviews in an airplane hangar. Petrino actually won last week at Auburn. But he remains winless against programs that aren’t melting down. Cats over Porkpies and cover the 8 1/2.
NFL Value Menu
• Matt Ryan: Off. Swooning to resume next week.
• Pompei at Rams: Pacman Jones has entered an alcohol treatment center. I wouldn’t want to be the security guard at the front door. Meanwhile, Atlanta attorney Manny Arora has gone underground while he negotiates Jones’ next signing bonus — a carton of cigarettes at Leavenworth. Dallas covers 7.
• Jets at Raiders: Brett Favre, ESPN’s director of content and pandering, told the network that he phoned Tony Romo after learning of Romo’s broken finger, offered his support, and I believe recommended 37 Vicodin. Take the 3, but Oakland wins this straight up.
• Steelers at Bungles: Ben Roethlisberger is a native of Ohio. He is 10-0 in the state. It sounds pretty impressive until you realize he’s playing only Cleveland and Cincinnati. The ‘Burgh covers 9 1/2.
• Seagulls at Bucs: Seattle has gone from Super Bowl to grease fire in three years. Jim Mora’s defense is allowing 30 points per game. Then again, it’s hard coming up with gameplans when you’re playing ring-and-run all night at Ty Willingham’s house. Bucs cover 10 1/2.
• Titans at Chiefs: About this bunk that the Chiefs owed it to Tony Gonzalez to trade him: The dude has $17 million in guarantees in his latest contract. He can throw himself a sympathy party. Tennessee goes to 6-0, but won’t cover the 8.
Bonus Picks
• Deer Hunting: Bambi Blasting season opens in Georgia.
Several more “retirements” have once again decimated the Furry Peaceful Happy Joyful Prairie-Prancing creatures’ roster and forced the team to rebuild.
The coaching staff is switch to Chicago’s old 46 Defense but lacks a true pass rusher.
Meanwhile, the Georgia DNR has set up a hotline to capture poachers, because:
“Poachers rob you of hunting opportunities.” And dang it, you deserve the right to hide in a tree dressed in full body armor and have an opportunity to blow off Bambi’s head with assault weapons because LORD KNOWS THE DEER MIGHT TWITCH HIS NOSE AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW WE’RE ALL SPEAKING RUSSIAN!
I feel better now. Bambi’s going down. Easy cover.
Turnover ratios
• Last week: We had very nice weather.
• So far, so feh: 42-26 straight up, 30-36-2 vs. the line.
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