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Home > Jeff Schultz > Archives > 2008 > September > 04 > Entry
DEL.ICIO.USFootball picks, stoned Sumo wrestlers and a Falcons upset
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Before unveiling this week’s financial guarantees, an update from the Fareast Conference:
Two Russian sumo wrestlers tested positive for marijuana this week. It’s apparently the first drug scandal in the 2,000-year history of sumo, which shatters the NBA’s record of 12 minutes and is kind of surprising given sumos can weigh as much as 500 pounds without a single-case of the munchies. (Just had a vision: Sumos at 2 a.m. after six bongs hits, terrorizing the QuikTrip microwave burrito warmer. OMG.)
“Many of us once thought only outlaws would use drugs, but that reality is long gone,” said Tsuneo Kondo, the director of Drug Addiction Rehabilitation Center in Tokyo. “They can be college students or housewives.”
Where has this dude been?
Imagine what Kondo might have said of the Falcons’ ticket sales: “The opener is not yet sold out. This comes as a great shock to us, given not once has anybody attended a game and been attacked by cannibals.”
The Falcons announced Thursday that the opener against Detroit is sold out. This came after putting tickets on the clearance table, next to Greg Knapp’s playbook and the irregular socks. Also after the final 1,500 were purchased by two TV stations, a cable company, Boys and Girls Clubs, a Swiss bank and the Red Cross (which might want to stick around).
Matt Ryan makes his first official start. Fortunately, it’s at quarterback and not in the Falcons’ secondary, which could look like scorched earth by the time Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson are finished.
Dude. Feeling the need for numbing agents. Then again, it’s only Jon Kitna.
Am I hallucinating? Take the three and Falcons in an upset.
NFL Six-Pack
• Hamlet Bowl: Brett Favre retired, cried, pledged his love for the Green Bay Packers, then turned down millions to stay retired to play for the New York Jets. Bill Parcells needed another hug, suckered Arthur Blank, then signed with Miami. Tough call here on which face-plant will be met with more cheers. But I got a hunch for Week 1: Fins in an upset (but take the three).
• Vikings at Packers: The last time Aaron Rodgers started a game was against Texas Tech in the Holiday Bowl four years ago. No pressure. Take the 2 1/2 and Vikes in a mild upset.
• Chiefs at Patriots: Tom Brady hasn’t taken a snap, which differentiates them from the Chiefs, who just don’t want to take a snap. Sixteen is covered.
• Panthers at Chargers: Bold move by coach John Fox suspending his best player, Steve Smith, for sucker-punching teammate Ken Lucas. Let’s see how much team unity that decision builds when Carolina starts 0-2. Chargers cover nine.
• Bears at Colts: I’d probably show more concern about Peyton Manning’s knee if I didn’t just draft Joseph Addai and Marvin Harrison on my Fantasy League team. So like: Colts, 97-0.
• Cowboys at Browns: I know Dallas is the fashionable pick in the NFC. But what’s the chance Adam “Pacman” Jones and Tank Johnson make it through five months without a felony? Oh wait. Michael Irvin is counseling Pacman. Never mind. Dallas wins covers 5 1/2.
A Few Good Keggers
(All winning coaches will be annexed into Tommy Bowden’s Fave Five.)
• Tech at Boston College: No Tech coach has ever won his first ACC game, so at least Paul Johnson won’t throw off the curve if the Jackets lose Saturday. But how’s this for a schedule boomerang after beating Jacksonville State: at B.C., at Virginia Tech, home vs. Mississippi State. Not feeling it this week. Eagles cover seven.
• Central Michigan at Georgia: Uga VII fell asleep last week when it was 38-0. He must have an AP vote. Mark Richt generally isn’t the type to play trampoline on opposing coaches’ stomachs and make them yell uncle. But given the backdrop, I’m thinking this mercy isn’t quite even money this week. The line: 23 1/2. So covered.
• La-Monroe at El Diablo: Good start for Bobby Petrino: Arkansas trailed I-AA Western Illinois by 10 points in the fourth quarter before scrambling to win, and Darren McFadden’s replacement, Michael Smith, was suspended for an undefined “textbook violation” (opening it?). But at least Petrino hasn’t quit yet. Trooper. Pigs cover 12 1/2.
• Miami at Florida: Randy Shannon calls this a measuring stick. Measuring sticks don’t crush you like falling pianos. Gators cover 21 1/2.
So far, not bad
• Last week: 4-2 straight up, 4-2 against the line.
• You will bow to me: After taking UCLA and the points vs. PumpkinButt.
Permalink | Comments (58) | Post your comment | Categories: Falcons/NFL, Tech/ACC, UGA/SEC
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Comments
By Hillbilly Deluxe
September 4, 2008 10:03 PM | Link to this
Oh for the days of Jessie Outlar and Furman Bisher, before sportswriters became wannabe comedians.
By Bigwheat
September 4, 2008 10:26 PM | Link to this
I enjoy the humorous remarks. Much better than the trolling for hate mail that Terrence likes to do. Keep it up.
By ????
September 4, 2008 10:29 PM | Link to this
Please crawl back under the rock……
By Ted Striker
September 4, 2008 10:35 PM | Link to this
Any truth to the rumor that Adam “Pacman” Jones recently took up Sumo for some unknown reason?
You were 4-2 last week, I was 6-0. I’ll be 6-0 again this week and like last time — you won’t know what my picks are till after the games are played.
Your picks look good with a lil’ tweaking. To wit: Chargers win, won’t cover. Packers will win and will cover. Why? Vikings secondary is suspect, but mainly because Aaron Rogers head didn’t explode during the recent Favre soap opera — and that says a lot about the guy.
p.s. Oh for the days when Hillbillies didn’t have internet service
By JR
September 4, 2008 10:51 PM | Link to this
Hey Hillbilly Deluxe, Don’t you remember Harry Mehre’s columns? He was funny!
By Ed Danforth
September 4, 2008 10:53 PM | Link to this
I think the young man has talent: “Pumpkin Butt” is an apt description for Phat Phil.
By Cuz
September 4, 2008 11:03 PM | Link to this
good column Jeff, humor is wasted on most, I am not most.
By mtraininjax
September 4, 2008 11:06 PM | Link to this
Jeff, you must be drunk, no paragraphs?
By captain Midnight
September 4, 2008 11:59 PM | Link to this
Y
By captain Midnight
September 5, 2008 12:06 AM | Link to this
You are the cause of all my problems. After watching your picks on my computer I immediately starting watching Television. I told my wife if something happened to me and they tried to save me by filling me with some liquids and tieing me in to some machine to pull the plug. She immediately went over and unpluged the TV and Computer and poured out my beer. You and Terrance have another joint.
By michaelgee
September 5, 2008 1:04 AM | Link to this
The only thing that seems clear from your writing is that you have a drug history.
By Elmo
September 5, 2008 1:07 AM | Link to this
Yeah. Dumb a* Comedy Piece instead of real writing. Good thing Jeff don’t have to work in the real world.
By Ted Striker
September 5, 2008 1:27 AM | Link to this
I see what happens when captain midnight shows up early…
By sandy springs guy
September 5, 2008 1:52 AM | Link to this
I really appreciate the humor and laughed aloud at the PumpkinButt joke. Some people are just dumb and others (elmo) are idiots.
By ctown86
September 5, 2008 2:24 AM | Link to this
Tech will beat BC Sat, lose to VA tech, and will go into Clemson at 5-1…which will be a great start for Paul Johnson. The rest of the season, we’ll see l8er…
By uga-brave
September 5, 2008 2:32 AM | Link to this
jeff,
you and DOB always make me laugh never change. good stuff.
By ctown86
September 5, 2008 3:44 AM | Link to this
Tech losses it’s next 3.
By Worm
September 5, 2008 7:06 AM | Link to this
This is a great thing to wake up with. Laugh and gear up for football weekend! I always look forward to Jeff’s football humor. Just dont get p** when you dont get it!
By McCain supporter
September 5, 2008 7:22 AM | Link to this
Schultz you are un-funny and annoying. Too bad you didnt get canned like Bisher did.
By terrence jr.
September 5, 2008 7:48 AM | Link to this
no longer pay for the atlanta paper because ya’ll don’t deliver to northwest ga. thank god, talked to a convenience store owner north of cartersville and he said the reason why the ajc quit delivering north of cartersville was it wasn’t profitable…well now that sounds quite free market and republican to me ajc owners…you guys ain’t voting for mccain too…has the left wing liberal ajc finally had a change of heart…almost and then i read jeff sgt. shultz’s pick ….well, not a change of heart…amazing he looks like a typical tech fan but picks bc to easily cover 7 pts…..you nerds should be offended at terrence jr. and sgt. shulz…course their one in the same…as for me i’m voting for a man who puts his country before an election…bring back lewis grizzard!
By Jim H.
September 5, 2008 8:03 AM | Link to this
stoned Sumo wrestlers…..that’s funny stuff.
By Ted Striker
September 5, 2008 8:38 AM | Link to this
My god, what an incredible outpouring of appreciation for Shultz. It’s overdue but I still say “look out — it’s the 7th sign of the Apocalypse.”
As soon as I finish my coffee, I’m heading up to sit on my roof while singing Do-Lord and waiting for a white horse to come riding through the sky.
One more thing. If Lewis Grizzard is on the horse, take Georgia and the points the rest of the season…
By Eric1
September 5, 2008 9:13 AM | Link to this
You so funny. Happy Friday.
By Dawgsrule
September 5, 2008 9:16 AM | Link to this
I can’t believe you don’t give Miami more of a chance. Florida hasn’t beaten them in 20 years. Also no florida coach has ever beaten Miami at home in his first meeting. I’m not saying that Miami will for sure win. But it will be closer than 3 touchdowns. I actually think Miami wins this one because Tebow will not be able to make the game winning drive when he has the opportunity. Miami has a lot of talent like alabama. They are just young and just haven’t had a chance to prove themselves. They will get that chance this weekend. if they make the gators scuffle for the win it will be a success for them.
By SavannahJacket
September 5, 2008 9:18 AM | Link to this
Did your dad write Peanuts? Could Fulmer be Charlie Brown?
Picks look spot on. Hope your wrong about Tech….. maybe they can squeak it out this week, even with the injuries.
By Jeff
September 5, 2008 9:50 AM | Link to this
Jeff, tell hillbilly deluxe to kiss your rear side.
By scottnjaxbeach
September 5, 2008 10:15 AM | Link to this
Hey Hillbilly Deluxe!
You are “da man”……..YES! Please bring back those two. Does anyway remember the “Beat the Bish” columns that Furman used to write! I can only hope that Jeff, T-Moore and MB sit at the feet of the GREAT Sportswriter Furman Bisher for advice and guidance!
By Colonel
September 5, 2008 10:21 AM | Link to this
Jeff-
Great article buddy. See you next Friday.
By Colonel
September 5, 2008 10:21 AM | Link to this
Jeff-
Great article buddy. See you next Friday.
By Colonel
September 5, 2008 10:21 AM | Link to this
Jeff-
Great article buddy. See you next Friday.
By Steve
September 5, 2008 10:29 AM | Link to this
Jeff,
After reading your work for the last eight or nine months I have concluded that you were, and probably still are, in love with Bobby Petrino. You columns reveal yourself to be a pathetic jilted lover who can’t get over the rejection. And your resentment (bordering on hatred) of the new love interest - the UofA - is so obvious it hardly needs to be stated. Jeffy - grow up and get over it. It was a bad situation for everyone - the Falcons, Petrino, Petrino’s family, the city of Atlanta. Everyone has moved on and is trying to be happy - the Falcons are happy with their new coach, the Razorback Nation is happy with theirs. You’re still crying in your beer. The guy took an annual paycut that equals more than you’ll make in your entire lifetime to get out of the circus that is and always has been the Atlanta Falcons organization.
I personally think Mr. Blank knew all about Mike Vick’s off the field criminal activities and sold a bill of goods to come down here. Can’t prove it - but you can’t prove the opposite.
Let it alone. Arkansas hired a coach. Big deal. It’ll happen again and maybe sooner than anyone will believe. Maybe not so soon. Only time will tell. But you Jeffy can fall in love again. Nick Saban, Coach Fran, Larry Brown…they all change jobs a lot and I hear they are available…
By RAMBLE ON!!!
September 5, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this
Since the AJC (Al-Jazeera Constitution) is losing subscriptions daily. It’s too bad they keep these morons like Jeff and Terence.
Yawn!!!
By willie
September 5, 2008 11:02 AM | Link to this
“Steve”, it is ridiculous to say that Blank knew about Vick’s dog-fighting and it is even more ridiculous to imply that Petrino doesn’t deserve all of the flak he is getting. The coward left a typed note in his players’ lockers and ran away in the middle of the season. Are you kidding me? You could not be more wrong on both counts.
By KingBeaverCleaverVIII
September 5, 2008 12:11 PM | Link to this
The numbing agents sound lovely; put me on the waiting list…..
GO FALCONS!!
By john
September 5, 2008 12:11 PM | Link to this
Not sure what the dog falling asleep in reference to having an AP vote meant, but if that was implying you thought it was odd UGA dropped to #2 - you are strangely stupid.
USC played on the road, on the other coast, as a visitor against the Un of Virginia and won 52-7. UGA played at home agains Ga Southern and won (I don’t even know or care) 38-14?
Ah…what don’t you get with USC being ranked #1?
By KingBeaverCleaverVIII
September 5, 2008 12:29 PM | Link to this
I luv tha Dawgs, but a legit #1 woulda beat Jawgia Suthuhn by a hefty margarine, maybe 75-3? This ain’t no legit numbuh wuhn, #10-15 is tha moe gooder uh’va guess.
By Louisville Brave
September 5, 2008 12:38 PM | Link to this
J Shultz- good piece…funny stuff…i like the fave-five comment…T. Bowden looks like a pansy after calling those coaches and then telling the press about it…what a d-bag…speaking of d-bags…hillbilly, elmo and steve are probably not fun dudes to hang out with…all self-righteous and d-bagish…go DAWGS!!!!
By sec rules
September 5, 2008 12:48 PM | Link to this
John, I get what Sgt. Schultz said in reference to uga having an ap vote. If you didn’t get it don’t worry about it. It wasn’t funny anyway. Just as lame as his other mediocre attempts at humor.
I’m an SEC fan as everyone can see by my handle but its not unwarranted that USC jumped over UGA. Their only ? was at qb and they certainly answered that. USC is an absolute machine that’s just back to their old ways of kicking the crap out of people. That UVA beatdown could have been even worse. I watched in and I actually think USC kinda laid back and took it easy on them a little later in the game just like UGA did. Only difference is that UVA is a bcs conference member who finished with 8 wins last year unless I’m mistaken while GA. Southern is a div. 2 team. Its no wonder USC jumped over UGA. They are clearly superior.
By Walkerton Bears Fan
September 5, 2008 1:22 PM | Link to this
By Walkerton Bears Fan,
Colts, 97-0. Are you kidding me? I will guarantee that the Bears are going to win this game.
Jeff
By Mitch
September 5, 2008 1:26 PM | Link to this
Man, I found myself laughing out loud reading this this morning in my classroom. Really good article. I agree about the Falcons. This team is going to surprise some folks in the media. Keep writing! I’m reading.
By Gene
September 5, 2008 1:33 PM | Link to this
How did a slimy creep like Spurrier get such a nice looking wife? Spurrier can’t quit coaching now. He has to keep his sons employed.
By Adam
September 5, 2008 2:59 PM | Link to this
dawgsrule,
Miami has a chance.Miami has talent but no where near the talent UF does. The only shred of prrof that Miami has talent is because of last years recruiting class that failed to qualify 5 players. Florida on the other hand has had 3 straight classes as good or better than what Miami brought in last year and has only had ONE player in all 3 fail to qualify.
You may hate UF but I would try and use facts, common sense or reality get in the way of trying to make an honest analysis…
By Tom Davis
September 5, 2008 3:15 PM | Link to this
when Mike Vick gets released he is going to come out like a caged dog. book it.
By Najeh Davenpoop
September 5, 2008 4:03 PM | Link to this
You know you’re in bad shape when a home win against the Lions is considered an upset.
Calvin Johnson: 6 catches, 126 yards, 2 TDs.
Go Jags!
By bigeasy830
September 5, 2008 4:32 PM | Link to this
The funniest thing in this article is that Shultz thinks Matt Ryan will win his first start. The Falcons will lose by at least 10 points. The only winnable games on the Falcons schedule is against KC and St. Louis if we lose to KC in week 3 the Falcons may go 0-16. No way this sorry team lose to a team that went 7-9 last year. Mark my words if the Falcons go 1-15 or 0-16 and Matt Ryan looks more like Danny Wuerffel because of lack of arm strength than Tom Brady, MV7 will be a Falcon again in 09.
By GOTECH610
September 5, 2008 4:56 PM | Link to this
haha, I thought I just read BIGEASY830
By GOTECH610
September 5, 2008 5:00 PM | Link to this
HAHA, BIGEASY,
I thought I just read some crazy comment like the Falcons will go 0-16, a comparison to the MUCH IMPROVED Matt Ryan from Vick, and the funniest part that made me laugh was, I must be hallucinating at my desk, I thought you said hewhomustnotbenamed will be…haha I can’t even finish the statement I just read because I so full of idiocy… :) :) :) Thanks bigeasy, you must have been being sarcastic… it was a good laugh…
By ant.b
September 5, 2008 5:13 PM | Link to this
There is no way Florida is going to beat Miami by 21 points , take Miami and the points.
By bigeasy830
September 5, 2008 5:21 PM | Link to this
Gotech610, I will be looking for your comments on the blogs after the game on Sunday. Lets see if you think its funny after the Falcons get blown out and Ryan looks more like a High School QB than Pro.
By GT Brill
September 5, 2008 5:59 PM | Link to this
Vick will NEVER be a Falcon again. I can’t believe I even have to post this. And what is up with Vick fans wanting Falcons to stink ? It is not like they fired Vick, even Billy “white gloves” Johnson can’t make federal felony interstate organized dog fighting charges disappear. Atlanta Falcons organization and its fans are the victim, not MV7. Hopefully he can turn his life around ,it is not too late.
By JJ the Jet Plane
September 6, 2008 3:45 AM | Link to this
Reading Jeff Schultz or Terrence Moore is like reading off the wall OP-ED pieces. Schultz thinks he is a comedian and Moore thinks he is a critic. They are both supposed to be SPORTS Journalists and both are miserable failures at it.
Jeff tries valiantly to hide his journalistic shortcomings by trying to be funny. I have Roaches in my restaurant that tell better jokes…and they don’t forget the punchlines.
What can one say about Terrence Moore? I don’t think the man has ever attended a journalism class. He certainly doesn’t evidence it with his writing. ALL HE DOES IS C R I T I S I Z E anything or anyone W H I T E!
By JJ the Jet Plane
September 6, 2008 3:46 AM | Link to this
Reading Jeff Schultz or Terrence Moore is like reading off the wall OP-ED pieces. Schultz thinks he is a comedian and Moore thinks he is a critic. They are both supposed to be SPORTS Journalists and both are miserable failures at it.
Jeff tries valiantly to hide his journalistic shortcomings by trying to be funny. I have Roaches in my restaurant that tell better jokes…and they don’t forget the punchlines.
What can one say about Terrence Moore? I don’t think the man has ever attended a journalism class. He certainly doesn’t evidence it with his writing. ALL HE DOES IS C R I T I S I Z E anything or anyone W H I T E!
Terrence needs to go back to Indiana and take Jeff (aka Sgt. schultz…”I know Nothing…NOTHING ABOUT SPORTS) with him.
By Gregg
September 6, 2008 7:37 AM | Link to this
If I’ve learned anything from football wagering, its ALWAYS go against the majority….Lay the points and take the Alligators in a blow-out.
By Zeb
September 6, 2008 9:21 AM | Link to this
JJ, don’t you think you’re being a little bit hard on the home boys? Just kiddin. I agree about Moore, but I’ll cut Slutz a little slack. He at least has some humor in his articles, Moore”I hate whitey” just doesn’t give a dam about his blatant prejudice. Notice I didn’t say racist. He’s just prejudice and there’s a big difference.
Anyway, I for one, am hoping the Dawgs and the Falcons pull this thing off. Ok, even Tech(kills me to say that) but I did it Techsters so give me a little cred for that. This is going to be a great weekend for football.
By Eric C.
September 6, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this
John, whatever man…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
By michaelgee
September 6, 2008 3:26 PM | Link to this
oh ye of little faith, believe in CPJ
uh oh, we are getting attention in Athens now, CPJ will keep tuning the machine, we have time left to improve and beat UGA
By Bud Wiser
September 7, 2008 5:56 AM | Link to this
TECH RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By THE RYAN ERA BEGINS
September 7, 2008 1:28 PM | Link to this
Falcons 14 Lions 0!!!!!!!! Where are all the nay sayers now??/ Where are they?? I know, they’re busy scraping all the egg off their faces!!!!!!!!!!!!!