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Home > Jeff Schultz > Archives > 2008 > September > 04
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Football picks, stoned Sumo wrestlers and a Falcons upset
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Before unveiling this week’s financial guarantees, an update from the Fareast Conference:
Two Russian sumo wrestlers tested positive for marijuana this week. It’s apparently the first drug scandal in the 2,000-year history of sumo, which shatters the NBA’s record of 12 minutes and is kind of surprising given sumos can weigh as much as 500 pounds without a single-case of the munchies. (Just had a vision: Sumos at 2 a.m. after six bongs hits, terrorizing the QuikTrip microwave burrito warmer. OMG.)
“Many of us once thought only outlaws would use drugs, but that reality is long gone,” said Tsuneo Kondo, the director of Drug Addiction Rehabilitation Center in Tokyo. “They can be college students or housewives.”
Where has this dude been?
Imagine what Kondo might have said of the Falcons’ ticket sales: “The opener is not yet sold out. This comes as a great shock to us, given not once has anybody attended a game and been attacked by cannibals.”
The Falcons announced Thursday that the opener against Detroit is sold out. This came after putting tickets on the clearance table, next to Greg Knapp’s playbook and the irregular socks. Also after the final 1,500 were purchased by two TV stations, a cable company, Boys and Girls Clubs, a Swiss bank and the Red Cross (which might want to stick around).
Matt Ryan makes his first official start. Fortunately, it’s at quarterback and not in the Falcons’ secondary, which could look like scorched earth by the time Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson are finished.
Dude. Feeling the need for numbing agents. Then again, it’s only Jon Kitna.
Am I hallucinating? Take the three and Falcons in an upset.
NFL Six-Pack
• Hamlet Bowl: Brett Favre retired, cried, pledged his love for the Green Bay Packers, then turned down millions to stay retired to play for the New York Jets. Bill Parcells needed another hug, suckered Arthur Blank, then signed with Miami. Tough call here on which face-plant will be met with more cheers. But I got a hunch for Week 1: Fins in an upset (but take the three).
• Vikings at Packers: The last time Aaron Rodgers started a game was against Texas Tech in the Holiday Bowl four years ago. No pressure. Take the 2 1/2 and Vikes in a mild upset.
• Chiefs at Patriots: Tom Brady hasn’t taken a snap, which differentiates them from the Chiefs, who just don’t want to take a snap. Sixteen is covered.
• Panthers at Chargers: Bold move by coach John Fox suspending his best player, Steve Smith, for sucker-punching teammate Ken Lucas. Let’s see how much team unity that decision builds when Carolina starts 0-2. Chargers cover nine.
• Bears at Colts: I’d probably show more concern about Peyton Manning’s knee if I didn’t just draft Joseph Addai and Marvin Harrison on my Fantasy League team. So like: Colts, 97-0.
• Cowboys at Browns: I know Dallas is the fashionable pick in the NFC. But what’s the chance Adam “Pacman” Jones and Tank Johnson make it through five months without a felony? Oh wait. Michael Irvin is counseling Pacman. Never mind. Dallas wins covers 5 1/2.
A Few Good Keggers
(All winning coaches will be annexed into Tommy Bowden’s Fave Five.)
• Tech at Boston College: No Tech coach has ever won his first ACC game, so at least Paul Johnson won’t throw off the curve if the Jackets lose Saturday. But how’s this for a schedule boomerang after beating Jacksonville State: at B.C., at Virginia Tech, home vs. Mississippi State. Not feeling it this week. Eagles cover seven.
• Central Michigan at Georgia: Uga VII fell asleep last week when it was 38-0. He must have an AP vote. Mark Richt generally isn’t the type to play trampoline on opposing coaches’ stomachs and make them yell uncle. But given the backdrop, I’m thinking this mercy isn’t quite even money this week. The line: 23 1/2. So covered.
• La-Monroe at El Diablo: Good start for Bobby Petrino: Arkansas trailed I-AA Western Illinois by 10 points in the fourth quarter before scrambling to win, and Darren McFadden’s replacement, Michael Smith, was suspended for an undefined “textbook violation” (opening it?). But at least Petrino hasn’t quit yet. Trooper. Pigs cover 12 1/2.
• Miami at Florida: Randy Shannon calls this a measuring stick. Measuring sticks don’t crush you like falling pianos. Gators cover 21 1/2.
So far, not bad
• Last week: 4-2 straight up, 4-2 against the line.
• You will bow to me: After taking UCLA and the points vs. PumpkinButt.
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