Opinion Talk

By ugotme?

December 11, 2005 10:16 PM | Link to this

I don’t see how those of us who are caucasion can even respond to this question, but I hope to see some viable solutions. It will benefit everyone.

By Van

December 12, 2005 09:02 AM | Link to this

To listen to some, we live in a secular world, without religious foundation, where commitments are temporary, where marriage is defined as “until we no longer feel like it” instead of “until death do we part.” Some say that everything should revolve around “self”. That self comes first.

We live in a world where having a child out of wed ock is celebrated instead of something to be ashamed about. In a world where moral right and wrongs do not apply.

I don’t know what can be done to save marriage, much less what can be done to save black marriages.

By E. Lewis

December 12, 2005 10:26 AM | Link to this

It’s not simply the decline of black marriages that is the problem. It’s the decrease of good, stable and lifelong marriages and the increase in of out of wedlock children that is more to the point. An unsafe, bad marriage is worse than no marriage at all. I don’t think anyone wants to go back to the days when adultery and abuse were rampant.

Perhaps the solution lies in educating the current generation. A good education/job, a hopeful future, unlimited possibilities, strong self esteem and birth control can go a long way to solve many of the problems in the black community.

By Single and Looking

December 12, 2005 11:04 AM | Link to this

Please move this topic to a more visible place in the AJC. This topic is very dear to me, because I am a single mother. Marriage was something I dreamed about as a very young teenager. However, I quickly found out at 23 and pregnant, that relationships were very difficult to maintain - especially, when you are the only person with the dream of being married.

Although, it’s been more than 10 years since the birth of my daughter, I find that most of the men that I encounter are not interested in permanent relationships. Those that say they are ready, are not truly financially responsible.

It’s especially hard for me, because I have obtained a certain living standard for my daughter and myself. I graduated college, developed my career, purchased a home and earn above the middle class standard of living. But, most of the young african american men my age are way behind.

I’m currently working on myself, to see if I can move past the expectations I have for the men I meet. I do not want to lower my standards, in order to get married — but I have learned to love unconditionally. Which is something I did not know how to do 10 years ago.

We need to work closer with our young black men to let them know that marriage can be a great joy. Work to get the “I am a player mentality” out of our society. Encourage the young ladies to talk openly and honestly about marriage. But, first we need to paint a better picture of what marriage can be for two people and their children.

By Diann Dawson

December 12, 2005 11:40 AM | Link to this

The good news is that we can reverse the decline in black marriage through marriage education. There is growing evidence that good marital skills and knowledge can be taught even if a generation has not seen an abundance of healthy role models. I am encouraged by the development of culturally competent marriage curricula that are beginning to address the unique issues of African American marriage.

By Charles Barrow

December 12, 2005 01:03 PM | Link to this

I think we will begin to see a reversal in the decline of black marriage, by focusing more on an effective method to build and reinforce character in both the young black male and female.

By joe

December 12, 2005 01:11 PM | Link to this

Great subject, single and looking (a forum writer) is right about one thing: why doesn’t the AJC have this as front page news. I thought the article was well-written for the most part except like most black writers she had to throw in a cheap dig at the black clergy who oppose same-sex marriage. I am sure those same black clergy are advocates of increasing marriages of black male and female couples.

After reading single and looking’s letter, I must admit I am proud of her for stepping forward and first admitting her mistakes. Since it is obvious she has done much good in her life, I am confident with her attitude she will find a great guy for her and her child. To find a suitable mate you have to do a lot to make things work, more than anyone could say here. One of the most important is check yourself for selfishness and dishonesty. Remember marriage is a two-way street, you have to give as well as get. *Happily married over 20 years!

By Carlis Williams

December 12, 2005 03:52 PM | Link to this

I was so pleased to see your article in the AJC about Black Marriages. I believe that we can and will turn the tide on marriage in the African American community by focusing on the provision of marriage and pre-marital education. By encouraging faith-based and community organizations to come together to have discussions and share information about the benefits of a healthy marriage for child well being, economic security and community health and stability. There are several groups/coalitions that have formed in the Atlanta area that are addressing the AA marriage issue and bringing them together to share their experiences and to encourage their continued work would be beneficial. Getting the word out about healthy marriage and healthy relationships in the AA community will surely make a difference!

By sATaLyte

December 12, 2005 04:12 PM | Link to this

There have got to be several reasons for the decline of black marriage. One of them, maybe, black youths are waiting a little bit longer to find that special someone rather than just settling down.

I am twenty-three years old, and as far as I can tell many black youths are focusing on furthering their careers and their educations. The idea of marriage to many youths is like a life sentence. It appears like a punishment for either having impregnating someone early, a trap set by women who are lonely and looking to sucker a man in for a lifetime of nagging and misery, or an answer for those who have exhausted their options.

The idea of marriage for blacks just carries too many negative connotations. I can recall numerous occasions where elder black men would beg and plead for me not to get married young or get a girl pregnant fearing as if they would watch another young brother give away his life, almost like murder.

They get this idea from watching their families and those that came before them who settled down at an early age. Marrying young seems very antiquated, a standard way of doing things in a culture long before their time. While looking back at their grandmas and grandpa-pas and reveling at their unions that spanned the test of time, in the back of their minds they are saying to themselves “not me”.

For many blacks they see the idea of not marrying young and holding down a long-lasting relationship as a rebelliousness against the old-fashioned way of doing things. The problems that the age rift present between black elders and youth not understanding one another could also certainly play a large part in this behavior.

This is just one opinion I have on the topic, hopefully not to be taken offensively.

By Richard Bush

December 12, 2005 04:31 PM | Link to this

I am commenting as a 56-year-old, well-educated professional black male, recently married. How did I get to where I am? Not so different than many others I suspect. My life has been a product of both white American system influence and black American circumstance. I agree that white American governmental tactics over time put quite a void between many black Americans, while America tried to figure out how to accommodate a restless black culture. I refer to everything from busing to EEO, to welfare practices. I have largely been a recipient of some of those practices more so than a victim. But, all of that didn’t really bring me any closer to marrying a black woman and starting a same race black family. However, in the early sixties it was generally understood at that time that many black females were on college campuses to find a husband more so than being interested in an education. At the time that was a relatively new notion and clearly not isolated to black females. But as a guy on a mission to succeed in college life, the thought of a wife and crying babies was out of the question. Later on in life, by observation and varied conversation, black women became increasingly aggressive and impatient with black male development. As I see it, black women for the last four decades or so have largely been in competition with black males in nearly every area of American socio-economic life. Let’s face it, there have only been a limited number of positions, mentors, programs, etc. for both black males and females to take advantage of. As I have seen, black females were ushered in through those doors first. We males clearly were aware of this trend and it drove yet another wedge between the black sexes. Our society has little patience with those (of any color) who do not perform. Over the years “performance”, other than the most basic elements of survival or athletics, has not been a primary concern particularly of the American black male. But, the black female more often has been mentored by both white females and white males enabling them to emerge from our short sited past. Once a significant number of black females got a grasp of all this, America developed and support this gender in acquiring many of the “how toos” and staples of our society. I submit that much of this did not occur with a large portion of Americas’ black males. Lucky for me I happened to benefit from some of the same support that many black females enjoyed. Why?, part luck, part having an exceptional single parent household mother, and my own determination to be more than my predecessors had been. I was the first male in my family to graduate from college and the first to achieve a professional career. Since that time I have nephews and nieces that have followed suit. Today’s young black males and females have entirely different circumstances and it is up to them to find their way to stable households. Having said that, as I look around these days, I really don’t see a lot of difference separating blacks and whites of the same age group. In my eyes they have the same discouragements and conflicts that are rapidly making marriage a “dying institution”. I see things as level as they have ever been and don’t see the issue you site as solely a “black” one. The folks you write about are all part of a generation that has gotten more than there parents had and it really hasn’t made them any more appreciative of family structure. I suspect that living life will eventully do that. So please don’t be so quick to single out today’s black males and females when it comes to this issue. Today’s young folks seem to need more time to grow up than previous generations did. That’s how I see it today.

By XBox4Xmas

December 13, 2005 09:13 AM | Link to this

Is the issue marriage or is it what to do with people that continually degrade themselves with unnecessary pregnancies? With birth control readily available and education free it seems pathetic that so many black women choose to have children before they are prepared (regardless of union by law) and end up sucking the nipple of public services. Then you have to ask if public services actually made the poor black family obsolete because Family Welfare does not happen with two parent families. So this was a prior black generations cozy way to get laid and retain welfare. It keeps poor children at the bottom, where they learn by watching because Welfare is so much a part of black culture. Blacks are their own worst enemy.

By Beverly Wittler

December 13, 2005 04:18 PM | Link to this

By Carlton Wyatt

December 15, 2005 09:46 AM | Link to this

Isn’t it obvious? All those gay people getting married have completely degraded the entire institution of marriage for everyone else. Oh, wait, gay people can’t get married… hmmm… then what’s the problem?

By Gina

December 17, 2005 06:17 PM | Link to this

The unfair child support guidelines and divorce laws where the woman walks away with everything is one reason there is a decline in marriage. Not all states are guilty of this, but Georgia is one where if a marriage goes bad, a man can be financially devastated for life and his children are taken away. There is a marriage boycott, not only among black males, but males period.

The nonchalant attitude about living together and having children out of wedlock are other reasons. My issue is why aren’t more so-called black leaders speaking up. Oh, I forgot, they are too busy yelling “prejudice” against “the man”. Let’s get our priorities straight.

By Jerry

December 19, 2005 10:03 AM | Link to this

I think one of the steps toward improving black marriages is “owning” up to the challenges and desiring better marriages. Secondly, without God as our guide the family or black family is w/o hope.

In addition, marriages should be (taught) centered around realistic expectations. Unfortunately, the media gives us a distorted view of love that points to an over indulgence in lust, sex, money, and selfishness. Love is an action word that requires discipline. Unlike the media’s projection married life doesn’t always have fireworks and butterflies.

Let’s pray and act on the principles that we learn in this discussion.