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DEL.ICIO.USIn Love and War: Military life tests couples serving in Iraq
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Camp Striker, Iraq — Peggy and Tim Fair have been married five years. But, at the moment, she lives two dirt lanes away from her husband and, except for a few meals together, the Glennville couple doesn’t have any private time.
Not that their marriage is falling apart, though. Their relationship couldn’t be stronger.
Moni Basu/AJC
Sgt. Peggy Fair and Sgt. 1st Class Tim Fair are stationed in Iraq.
But the Fairs are soldiers in the Georgia Army National Guard’s 48th Brigade Combat Team in Iraq. They deployed together to the Middle East in mid-May. Since then, intimacy has not been a word in their vocabulary.
Like the brigade’s other married couples, Sgt. Peggy Fair, 51, and Sgt. 1st Class Tim Fair, 41, sleep in separate tents and must get permission to visit each other’s living quarters. If they want to spend time together, it has to be in a public place — no display of affection allowed.
“I hate it,” said Tim Fair, leader of an engineer platoon in Bravo Company, 148th Support Battalion.
The Department of Defense estimates that 84,000 couples serve in the military. Because the 48th Brigade is a National Guard unit, a higher number of husband-wife teams are serving together in the Iraq war, although the exact figures could not be obtained.
The Army has specific orders regarding conduct for soldiers deployed in Iraq. Alcohol and pornographic material, for instance, are strictly prohibited. The policy for cohabitation, however, differs from unit to unit.
The Fort Stewart-based 3rd Infantry Division, under whose control the 48th Brigade operates in Iraq, does not permit visitation or cohabitation between men and women but makes an exception for married couples if they request it, said 48th Brigade Command Sgt. Maj. James Nelson Jr.
He said the brigade policy falls in line with the 3rd Infantry Division’s, but that under current circumstances at Camp Striker, cohabitation is not possible.
“There was nowhere for us to accommodate them in the tents,” Nelson said. “We looked when we first got here but we could not find any situation where married couples could live with any privacy or dignity.”
Initially, 48th leaders thought the brigade would be stationed at nearby Camp Liberty, where soldiers are housed in two-person trailers. Married soldiers had been told then that they would likely be able to share housing.
But when Georgia’s citizen soldiers found themselves at Camp Striker, a transitional tent city on the southwest corner of the Baghdad airport, married couples were separated and placed in 16-person male or female tents.
Striker has a few two-person tents, but those are generally reserved for higher-ranking officers.
No time for honeymoon
Monica and Bernard Fluellen were married last Nov. 12 at the Gwinnett County Courthouse. Before they could even think of a honeymoon, they learned they were deploying to Iraq.
They locked up their house in Lawrenceville and put their desires to start a family on the back burner.
“I do feel like I’ve had to put my personal life on hold,” said 2nd Lt. Monica Fluellen, 32, of the 148th Support Battalion’s Alpha Company.
But the Fluellens said they are glad to at least have one another around. They eat lunch and dinner together and go to basketball games and other social events at Camp Striker.
“It would have been a lot harder to deal with all the stress without him,” said Monica Fluellen, a researcher with Southern States Energy Board in Norcross. “It’s like having your best friend here.”
Her husband agreed.
“It’s cool,” said Sgt. Bernard Fluellen, a full-time technician for the Guard who serves in the 248th Military Intelligence Company. “I get to be with my wife while we’re here. I can see her every day.
“It’s a combat situation,” he continued. “I don’t think they should let husbands and wives get too comfortable.”
The armed forces prohibit fraternization between soldiers of the opposite sex to retain discipline and cohesion.
Moni Basu/AJC
Sgt. Tracy Chisholm and Spc. Zachary Chisholm.
“The military policy was born out of attempts to establish control and to deter sexual assaults,” Nelson said.
He admitted, however, that separating husbands and wives could be a morale buster.
“We’re only human,” Nelson said. “It would have to affect them in some way.”
The Fluellens said they would rather have their spouses here than worry about them from afar. But the lack of privacy is wearing.
‘A touchy subject’
“We’ve had to find other ways of communicating with each other,” said Sgt. Tracy Chisholm, 30, who celebrated her first wedding anniversary Sept. 14 with husband Spc. Zachary Chisholm, 31. “We’ve had to find new ways of showing affection. You can’t hold hands. You can’t do anything here.”
The Chisholms are in Bravo Company, 148th Support Battalion, and met while drilling in Hinesville. She manages a Dunwoody branch of Bank of America. He’s an airbrush artist.
“We like to say we honeymooned in Iraq,” joked Tracy.
“Spouses back home in Georgia don’t really see our point,” she said.
“We don’t get any extra compensation, no separation pay. But we’re really not together.”
Added her husband: “It’s a touchy subject, but it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.”
First Lt. Paul Douglas, chaplain for the 148th Support Battalion, said there are no easy answers for married couples in Iraq, but he had not heard of any relationships ending.
For the Fairs, the stress is old hat. The couple deployed to Bosnia together a few years ago, where living conditions were considerably better.
Peggy Fair would rather be home in Glennville, going to work at the maintenance facility at Fort Stewart and enjoying evenings with her husband.
“Yeah, it would be nice to be able to spend time together,” she said. “But under the circumstances, I understand.”
Comments
Commenting is now closed for this entry.
By Wife of a soldier
September 22, 2005 09:43 AM | Link to this
On a personal note, I can understand how hard it would be to not have or be allowed phyical contact towards your spouse. On the other hand, you signed up with the National Guard to do a job and you should do it without being side tracked by your spouse. Both spouses signed up to do a job individually not as a couple. If all of the other soldiers aren’t allowed physical contact or to show any signs of affection, the rules need to apply to married couples in the army as well. I don’t think that you need to be whining about it either. You have a job to do and that’s just the name of the game. Why don’t you consider yourself LUCKY that you are at least able to see your significant other on a daily basis and try thinking about the ones that havne’t seen their family in months!!!
By dianne
September 22, 2005 09:53 AM | Link to this
This is ridiculous. they can’t even hold hands??? I believe that this is definitely a moral BUSTER!! These people are our heroes and should not have to abstain from a healthy married life!
By Linda Healton
September 22, 2005 10:20 AM | Link to this
I whole heartily agree with your post wife of a soldier.They get to see one another and those of here on the homefront have to wait months until we are able to see our loved ones.They are able to eat with each other and at least be in one anothers presence,while we are only allowed phone calls to be “close” to our soldiers. The one wife said that we at home “don’t get it”, that they don’t get seperation pay.Well…they aren’t really seperated now are they? They get to see each other,it is apparent by the pictures.Last time I saw my soldier was May 15, I won’t see him again until January.THAT is separation.
By Soldier's wife
September 22, 2005 10:22 AM | Link to this
I can’t believe that there are couples over there that are whining about the fact that they can’t be physical with their significant other. My husband is a memeber of the 48th Brigade, and I have not seen him since May. I would give anything in the world just to be in his presence on a daily basis. You should consider yourself LUCKY. Be thankful that you have them there, and that your not stuck here waiting on a phone call or email as your only means of contact. You have no idea of what lonely is, and I do not feel sorry for you one bit.
By Howard Gaddy
September 22, 2005 11:15 AM | Link to this
How can we provide conjugal visits for federal and state prisoners or criminals but not for our own people who are putting their life on the line for us everyday to maintain our freedom?
By Name Withheld
September 22, 2005 11:20 AM | Link to this
Bitter, party of two? I didn’t hear any complaining from the soldiers profiled in this article. Do they have hardships with which to deal, and which they admit? Of course. Are they on strike or writing letters or otherwise campaigning for change? No. They are doing their jobs. Why don’t you do YOURS, as a family member of this unit, and be supportive rather than combative? They deserve your respect, not your outbursts.
By Michael Castagna
September 22, 2005 12:17 PM | Link to this
Concerning the issues of married couples in the same duty area. I think the Department of Defense should take a closer look at married couples serving together in a combat zone (all of Iraq). God Forbid something was to happen to both of them, the children at home would lose both mom and dad. This is poor judgement in the admin areana.
Mike Castagna
By Cav Wife
September 22, 2005 12:26 PM | Link to this
These couples do not know how lucky they are. I cannot believe they have the nerve to whine about not being able to hold hands in public. My husband is in the 48th, and I have not been able to touch him or see him since May. I would give anything to be able to see him and just to be in the same room as him. They get to eat together and see eachother every day. I do not feel sorry for them. I feel like this article is a slap in the face to every military spouse that is here in Georgia, whose only contact is a phone call and an occasional e-mail. Stop your complaining and realize that you are very lucky. Try living in our shoes for one day.
By Linda Healton
September 22, 2005 03:09 PM | Link to this
Name withehld…Yes…I did read some complaining.My post was about how Chilsholm said that they are not getting separation pay. Well..they are not seperated if they get to see each other every day. As far as conjugal visits…you can bet they are finding ways around it.I am not bitter.I wold GLADLY give up the little bit a money my soldier recieves as separation pay if it meant I got to see him.
By JL
September 22, 2005 03:26 PM | Link to this
Whining? It didn’t really seem like much whining was going on until I got to the comments posted after the article. Being away from your spouse is hard - I know first-hand. But it seems as if some of you just want to slam these folks at any opportunity. Come on, there are enough folks in the media and otherwise to do that for us. Just support all of our soldiers and be proud of the job they do, regardless of whether they are separated from their loved ones by a whole ocean or just a few tents.
By 82nd_Greg
September 22, 2005 03:47 PM | Link to this
Nothing I read in any of those interviews sounded like whining to me, It sounded like people answering direct questions. Those who accuse the soldiers of whining and say they’d “do anything in the world” to be in the physical presence of their loved one would evidently “do anything in the world” except one thing: sign up and go over there.
By Julie
September 22, 2005 04:32 PM | Link to this
You stay-at-home wives sound like the whiny ones to me. I read the article twice and not once did I notice any of these couples whining. They were accurately and respectfully stating facts, not their emotions. From reading this blog from day to day my insight is that most of the whining comes from the folks at home. At least you are not in constant mortal danger and your kids have one of you with them to offer some stability. Suck it up. You are doing your soldiers a grave injustice with your complaining and misplaced jealousy.
By Vincent J
September 22, 2005 05:22 PM | Link to this
If they allowed Public displays of affection it would really be a “Morale Buster” for all the guys who are not there with there spouses or boy/girlfriends. The key to a good working atmosphere is to make sure everyone is on a level playing field.
By Juice
September 22, 2005 05:28 PM | Link to this
For people critical of husbands and wives serving together in Iraq, please, take it easy. You only get to live in one reality at a time, and your reality is separation and their reality is togetherness in name only. Each side can look at their other and envy the positive aspects, but the negative aspects often do not become apparent until you get to live that reality. How would you feel sitting in your tent at 10PM, know that your husband is on patrol? And how would he feel if he was out on patrol and hears that a mortar attack on the base caused casualties?
And if you still want to see how much greener the grass is on the other side of the fence, you could always enlist and volunteer.
By Also not bitter
September 22, 2005 06:43 PM | Link to this
I have to absolutely agree with the folks who are posting about the bravery and responsibility of the couples deployed together. They are not complaining or whining. They signed on the dotted line to do their duty…we at home did NOT. Our soldiers know we have our own hard duty at home running households and kids and jobs, and they hope and pray we’ll be able to hold it all together. The dual deployed spouses have to hope and pray their significant other will be alive at the end of the day. That they won’t have seen something on patrol they’ll never be able to erase. There are parents on both sides who have to worry they’ll never see their son and wife, their daughter and husband. While they get to see each other from time to time, I wouldn’t trade places with them for anything. I wish them all the best, and hope and pray for ALL the soldiers deployed, be it Iraq or Afghanistan or any other location away from home.
By Robert
September 22, 2005 07:04 PM | Link to this
Both myself and my spouse are in the military though in separate units. When she got her orders to go to Iraq with the Georgia Guard, I was willing and ready to volunteer to sign on with the 48th Brigade myself for another combat tour just so I could be with her. But after much family discussion, she decided that it would be better for me to stay home this time since I had already served two tours “Over There” and that I would be “pushing my luck”. While I miss her everyday, perhaps she was right after all in lieu of the circumstances currently going on in Iraq. I still wish I was with her but I’m doing my best to be a supportive husband from here in Georgia and as she would say, “I’m Keeping Prayed Up” for her safe return.
Robert - Keeping the Home Fires Burning!
By Crystal Hammond
September 22, 2005 07:39 PM | Link to this
I have to agree with most of the other comments on here. At least they are seeing each other on a regular basis. My husband is with the 48th and I did get to see him on his R&R at the end of August, but now I have 8 or 9 months to go without seeing him at all. Consider yourselves lucky you can see each other and at least know how the other is doing and if they are in harms way. As for the spouses back here, we worry and just wait to hear from our spouse. You are very lucky you are together. You need to focus more on your job and not so much on each other. It is not going to hurt to have to go a while without being able to be affectionate, now you can know what we go through. You knew the rules when you signed up. I support our troops 110%, but this is not even a big deal to even do an article on.
By Army wife
September 22, 2005 08:07 PM | Link to this
I am with the cav wife on this issue. These couples are lucky enough that they get to SEE each other everyday. They are there to complete a job…not spend time with their loved ones. I do not feel sorry for them. They need to try being an ocean apart from their loved ones and then they can complain.
By Marie
September 22, 2005 08:10 PM | Link to this
First of all stop . These people that you are calling “whiners” and being snotty to are OUR soldiers…they do not deserve it. I personally did not feel that ANY of them were whining in fact some said they were grateful to at least be able to see each other. Just because we at home can not have our spouses and loved ones should not mean we should begrudge them any opportunity they might have to be alone. They are after all BOTH risking their lives everyday. If it is possible why not let them have some privacy. I for one would be happy for them. As some of you said it is just the hand we here at home are dealt just like the fact that they knew what they were getting into so did we. That does not mean we should not want for them everything we can for their happiness. I am sure they are thankful to be together even in such tragic circumstances…why would anyone begrudge them a little comfort once in awhile. I don’t get it. I miss my soldier desperately and at the same time I am happy for those soldiers that have any opportunity for happiness and comfort. God Bless Them. They have BOTH stood up and done their duty. Something I think those of us at home should doubly appreciate. Why berate any American soldier for being human and wanting time with their spouse … even if the rest of us can not.
By Soldier's girlfriend
September 22, 2005 08:25 PM | Link to this
I can’t imagine how it must feel to be a soldiers spouse. I am only a girlfriend and the loneliness is tearing me apart. I think it is great that spouses get to see eachother on a daily basis. I think we would find a way to show affection via love notes. I have to wait a year or longer before I get to see my boyfriend and I hope that our relationship can endure the long distance. Serving together and apart has its pros and cons. I think you have to handle each one on an individual basis.
By SoldiersWife
September 22, 2005 09:45 PM | Link to this
I have to agree with most of the other responses on this post. They knew what to expect before they left. They don’t have any right to complain. For goodness sake, they are on a very dangerous mission and should be focusing on the tasks at hand, not their marital lives. In my opinion, the soldiers who are allowed to fraternize with their spouses are a cruel reminder to the ones who can’t because their spouses are thousands of miles away. I haven’t seen my husband’s face since May and I would give so much just to see his smiling face. They should be thankful that they do at least get to see their spouse and hush whining.
By Come on now
September 22, 2005 10:16 PM | Link to this
Come on wives, you all are being so caddy. These soldiers were not “whining” nor being negative, just stating a fact. I can not believe how the claws have come out against these SOLDIERS. The Cav wife who made the comment walk in her shoes??? Are you kidding me, why don’t you walk in those soldier’s shoes for one day? If the shoe was on the other foot, I somehow do not feel that anyone would be satisfied with waving at your spouse from across the line every day for 18 months. Everyone check themselves please………..
By Laura Wade
September 23, 2005 12:21 AM | Link to this
I am currently deployed in Afghanistan. I am also married and have two young daughters, one was 6 months old when I was deployed. My husband is also a National Guardsman. He is at home taking care of both the children, household, serving in the National Guard and supporting me and every other soldier that is depolyed. You see we are in your shoes on both sides. These men and women do do there job (wife of a deployed soldier) and they do it well. I will not let you or anyone else demean their service and their sacrifice because you are bitter. I will however urge you to see it from their point of view. There are several couples serving here who hardley ever see their spouse, and when they do they cannot acknowledge them. I am not sure what is worse being separated geographically or being together and being separated by circumstances. I think everyone here needs to focus on there own issues and not those of others. It is not a contest to see who is more miserable. To me that is pretty selfish. If my husband and I were deployed together it would be worse not to be able to be affectionate than to be phyically separated. I wish all the depolyed married couples a safe return and hope that they don’t have to see each other hurt or worse. We are still doing dangerous things in dangerous places. It may do these family members to pray for their safe return unstead of complain that someone else is getting something they are not.
By Dawn Williams
September 23, 2005 06:53 AM | Link to this
I miss my husband desperately and with the leaves change who knows if I will see him in January. My best friend,my husband of eight years,a father and a soldier.Has missed so very much but If we spent all the energy we have battling each other what is really accomplished? My husband and his unit amaze me I am proud of each of them and all they have done each and everyday. Can we take time to focus on Christmas and doing special things for our soldiers to show our love and support? And support and pray for each other and our soldiers, and for peace.
By Name Withheld
September 23, 2005 11:02 AM | Link to this
Walk in YOUR shoes? Give me a break. Walk in THEIR shoes. You get phone calls and emails from your soldiers. Some of these soldiers barely even get to talk to their spouses who are living less than a mile away. While your spouse rests easy at night knowing you are taking care of the house and children and maintaining a life for him/her to come home to, the married couples who are BOTH deployed have their homes and belongings in the hands of who knows who, and in many cases other people are raising their children for a year. And what about leaves? There is no guarantee they can take leave together. What’s the fun of coming home when your spouse is still in combat? You want to complain about whiners. Take a good long look in the mirror and complain as much as you want. Then get on the phone to your spouses and act the hypocrite while you claim to support the troops and sit on this Web site and denegrate them.
By Damned it we do...
September 23, 2005 03:44 PM | Link to this
Looks like if we put a comment up defending our soldiers conditions,treatments,ect…we are whiners.If we don’t respond,we aren’t supporting our troops.I would stop posting things,but I love the drama the follows.
By Mike
September 23, 2005 05:30 PM | Link to this
As a combat veteran, I feel obliged to remind folks that the first responsibility of a soldier is to his or her fellow soldiers. War zones are places where intense concentration is required to successfully plan and accomplish the assigned missions, missions that may put soldiers in harms way. There is no room for distractions, regardless of marital status. As such, there will be time for marital intimacy once the soldiers are safely re-deployed back home.
By Ratchet
September 24, 2005 02:14 AM | Link to this
My husband is currently serving with the 48th and we miss him terribly, but I can’t imagine being with him and not being able to hold his hand, hug him or give him a kiss. Yes, these soldier couples are in the same geographic area, but they are no more together than I and my soldier are at this point. I think it would be much harder to be in their shoes rather than in mine —- so close, but yet so far away. Here’s to all our soldiers … THANK YOU!!!
By Angela
September 25, 2005 12:30 AM | Link to this
I don’t think anyone intends to demean the soldiers. We all realize and appreciate their sacrifice. It’s just a little annoying to read articles like this knowing that these soldier’s were well aware of how their situations would be when they signed on the dotted lines.