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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2009 > February
February 2009
Recession - Good for dating?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In a recent New York Times article, it was reported that there was a recent increase in online dating and even matchmaking services. Apparently, when things are economically unstable single people focus on romance!
So how can recession be good for dating? According to Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman, a psychologist in New York, ‘If the recession results in a desire for a relationship that is not based on one’s personal finances, then it may actually be a boon for love. There’s so many aspects of a person. “It’s kind of sick that we only focus on jobs or money.
How do you think the recession will impact your own dating experiences? Have you already noticed changes? I have seen a lot more couples in my favorite coffee houses and wine bars. While the restaurants seem more filled with larger groups of friends and families. There are even couples going to the gym for dates!
I suppose the opportunists and golddiggers will have to take a recession hiatus. There is even a group of women who started Dating a Banker Anonymous, a website aimed at the poor women who are forced to watch their men lose jobs and stability. They help each other deal with the loss of “luxury” and the perks they are forced to sacrifice. I didn’t take it seriously when I first read about it on Gawker, but apparently the buzz is real.
Well, talk about when the going gets tough, the tough get going! What are you doing to weather the times? Are you looking into dating online more?
Permalink | Comments (206) | Categories: Current Events
Recruit & Retain
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
On Monday’s post, I facetiously said that if relationships came with a manual, we probably wouldn’t read it anyway. Perhaps that is true - but let’s say wanted to draft a manual about building and maintaining relationships. I think it could be divided into the basics : recruiting the right person and retaining them. Easier said then done, I know!
Which do you think is harder: finding a mate (recruitment) or keeping a mate (retention)? If we aren’t getting the results we want, it seems as if we have a hard time switching things up. What is the best way to improve the way you recruit potential dates?
If you are in a new relationship, what made you take it to the next level? Did you have a talk or did it evolve more organically through consistency?
Why do we leave a relationship that we worked so hard to have? Do you think it is challenging for women to love men the way they want to be loved? Are we too focused on our mates being flawless?
Do you think that relationships today focus too much on what the other person brings to the table instead of what we each bring to a relationship?
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Misadventures in Atlanta Blog is on the Move!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Attention Readers! We have moved! The Misadventures in Atlanta Blog can be found here. The new technology will improve our blog and commenting experience. Update your bookmarks and RSS feeds!
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Love & Magic
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I think that many of us have found ourselves in the “friends with benefits” arrangement at some point. Some times you stumble into it, some times it’s premeditated. There can be pros and cons to it, undoubtedly. I know a lot of people who usually end up regretting it, for whatever reason but the casual thing works for others too.
When you are in a relationship, it can feel magical to connect with your mate both physically and emotionally. I don’t think the connection is the same in a casual arrangement. Or is it? Do you think this is where people get hung up in casual flings?
I know that men and women can view intimacy differently, but do you think that sex is better in a relationship? Does it depend on where you are emotionally? In your experience, did things get hotter the closer you became in your relationships?
If the chemistry is lacking in the bedroom, is that really a sign of incompatibility? How do you know if you just have to work a little harder at it - (dirty pun intended) or if you are simply not a good fit? Does “intimacy” have to be magical to be love?
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Double Duty
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If you think double booking dates is tacky, what do you feel about a full fledged relationship with two people? I hesitate to call it a new dating trend, but sharing a mate with another person happens more often then we think.
The idea is that when you get tired of juggling multiple dates, you narrow it down to two great people. I know, some of us are lucky to meet one that doesn’t drive us nuts after ten minutes! So what is so appealing about sharing a man or woman with another?
If you are fully informed and not being lied to, are their actual benefits from having an “open” dating relationship? Have you ever dated two people for a long period of time with full disclosure?
I am not advocating man/woman-sharing. I just wonder if single people will simply stop trying to force exclusive relationships that don’t work and turn to pulling double duty. If the needs are met for all parties involved, could it actually work for you?
Would an open dating relationship be the first step towards an open marriage?
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Standard Operating Procedures
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Relationships don’t come with manuals. There are no clear instructions on how to build a relationship. If there were, many of us wouldn’t read them anyway! It amazes me when I hear people rule out a potential over some minor thing that, in their mind, is a deal breaker. Why all the rules? Have they ever really worked for you? If we just went with the flow, what is the worst that could happen?
I am a firm believer in having standards when it comes to dating. I just think that we get too hung up on “standard operating procedures” when we first meet someone. Do you think that your dating standards are realistic? Could it be that some of your standards are ruining your chances with new people?
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What to do when a mate wants plastic surgery
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When I was last home, I attended a holiday party and ran into an old classmate. She looked great, as pretty as ever, with one noticeable difference: her chest. Meaning, it had grown…a lot!
Turns out, her affluent boyfriend bought “them” for her. This may be nothing unusual nowadays, but I can’t help but wonder how I’d feel if I told my boyfriend I wanted plastic surgery, and he agreed. How do you navigate that? “Baby, I love you the way you are, but if that’s what you want…” or “I’ll support whatever decision you make…” or “For your birthday this year, I was thinking I’d get you a pair of…”
(Obviously I’m speaking of elective surgery here.)
None of us are perfect, but when your mate has an insecurity, is it better to ensure them that’s one of the things you love, or support their decision to change it? I think I’d cry if I told Roland that I wanted liposuction and he was gung-ho for it. I’d rather him lie to me and say he loves me as is, no need for the knife.
Have any of you undergone plastic surgery while in a relationship? Did it bring you closer or cause weirdness? And have any of your mates wanted surgery, but were upset with you if you agreed with their decision? (And in doing so, confirmed their fear.)
Happy Friday!
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Intellectual imbalance in relationships
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Some people like eyes, some people like arms, but in my view, one of the most attractive qualities in a man is intelligence. I like them smart, I like them educated and I like them well-versed in everything from sports to theatre.
Yes, there’s a balance. I don’t look to find the world’s smartest guy, but I hope that where he lacks in some areas, he excels in others. As my college arts history professor said to us: “You’re not an idiot if you don’t know who wrote the first novel. You’re not an idiot if you don’t know where or what is ‘Big Ben.’ You’re not an idiot if you can’t sing the motive of Beethoven’s Fifth. But if you don’t know any of these things…”
You can fill in the rest.
His point? Know some things and be curious about others. That’s how I see myself and what I look for in my mate. Historically, I’ve been rather turned off when I discover my mate and I are ill-matched intellectually. I can’t explain why, but I’m more comfortable feeling as though we’re either on par, or perhaps that he’s a tad brighter.
Do you care how well you and your SO are mentally matched? Does that play a significant role in deciding to date someone, or are others things tremendously more important to you? Could you date someone you feel isn’t, well, particularly bright?
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When a friend asks to date your Ex…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So a friend of mine (let’s call him Jake) dated this girl for three years. While they were serious, he says he never felt that “push” to get married, which finally led to their breakup. A couple months later, a friend of his called to ask his permission to ask his Ex out.
Stunned, he said yes. While he thought it was in poor form for homeboy to ask, he also thought it would be stranger to tell him “No, you can’t date the girl I didn’t want to date anymore.”
The thing is, he knew his friend from childhood. He also knew this friend is notorious for having few boundaries when it comes to dating other people’s girls. Still, he was surprised and hurt this guy would put him in that position. Fast forward a couple of years…they are still friends, though Jake keeps him at arms length.
Oh, I should mention that his Ex did go out with his friend, but just once. She later said she regretted the move.
We’ve talked in the past about dating friend’s exes, but I’m more curious about why a man would want someone’s sloppy seconds. Fellas, have any of your friends moved in on your Ex-girl? Is it fair play or just a major foul to dip your pen in your friend’s old ink?
I think most girls would be really hurt if their female friend made a play for their Ex-guy, but does the average man have the same response?
What would you tell a friend who asked to go out with your Ex from a long-term relationship?
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Honey, can you pass the stapler?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Newsroom are notorious for interoffice dating. Maybe it’s because of our crazy hours, crazy jobs (or crazy yet similar minds), but many marriages have blossomed out of a workplace romance. (As have divorces, I’m sure.)
Nevermind the question of whether you would date a coworker. I’ve always wondered how comfortable I’d be working with my SO. You know, see him day in and day out, carpool to the office, take lunch together, sit in meetings with bosses or employees together. Would it drive me nuts? Would I appreciate my partner even more? Would I feel a greater personal reward if we built a company as a team?
Have you ever worked with a significant other in a professional setting? What did you discover? If you found out your partner wasn’t as capable as you originally thought, did it change the way you perceive him or her? And men, would you need to be top dog or hold higher rank if you worked with your girl?
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Share and share alike?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Some coworkers recently engaged in a lengthy discussion about sharing personal items with a partner. While some people are comfortable sharing towels, others gag at the thought.
What about a toothbrush? While I’d rather use my man’s in emergencies than go to bed with gunk on my teeth, others may sooner die than swap old toothpaste and Lord knows what else.
I thought of this recently as Roland wide-eyed me for double-dipping some fries. I’d NEVER do this in a group setting, but didn’t think twice about it with just my beau. I responded: “You kiss me, right? But I can’t dip my fry twice?” He just laughed…and I continued.
Do you have a problem drinking from a partner’s cup? Double-dipping from one’s ketchup? Using his razor? What about sleeping on her pillow?
Where do you draw the line, or do you? After all, people in serious relationships (or even not-so-serious) presumably share a heck of a lot more than objects. How do these personal boundaries play out in a partnership?
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Punch-Drink-Love
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Whether you are blissfully coupled up, single for life, or reeling from a break up the primary goal is not to have an awful Valentine’s Day. Well MIA is here to help you in what I call the Punch-Drink-Love Valentine’s Day Plan:
Punch! Do you fall in the “reeling from a break up” category? This event is for you. The great folks at Crunch Fitness came up with a brilliant idea for singles on V-Day: Participants bring in a picture of their ex to tape on a focus mitt and pair up with another bitter boxer, because it’s time to get even with your former flame, burn calories, tone arms, and perfect your right hook . You will either score a black eye or some cute gym rat’s phone numbers. Live on the edge!
Drink! No need to drown your sorrows but perhaps try a new wine or specialty drink. Shake things up! Maybe grab some friends and attend a wine tasting. Vino Libro is a great place to do just that. Tomorrow night, they invite singles, couples, and fans of great music out - Gritz and Jelly Butta will be performing!
Love! Take some time to do something you love to do but for whatever reason, can’t do as much as you would like. Are you neglecting your photography hobby? Dust off the camera and capture the beauty of Atlanta. Do you love fashion? There is a Diesel Underwear Valentine’s Day Fashion Show (you’re welcome) at Primal tomorrow. (Details below).
Our resident Guy Decoder, Mr. M asks: What do you do for Valentine’s Day if you have 2 prospects? Who gets your time, flowers, candy, dinner, attention since its on a Saturday - that’s prime date night. Do you just take somebody to brunch and let them go to make room for your later plans? So, what say you, multi-daters, is the weekend going to be tricky for you?
Whatever you do, have fun doing it. No pity parties whatsoever! What do you have planned for the weekend?
For more information on the events, continue reading:
Ex-factor boxing class: Everlast and Crunch Hold Anti-Valentine’s Day Boxing Class for Atlanta’s Broken Hearts and Scorned Lovers. Pink boxing gloves and mitts provided by Everlast and all participants receive a complimentary Valentine’s Day goodie bag. Free and open to the public in addition to gym members, friends, and anyone looking for a good workout. Crunch - Buckhead at 10:00 am 3365 Piedmont Rd, Atlanta, GA 30305
Vino Libro Event: Valentines Day for Couples & Singles featuring Live Performance by Gritz & Jelly Butter - Romantic Couples 3 Course Wine Dinner in our private events room - $59 all inclusive. Vino Libro is located at: 933 Garrett Street SE Atlanta, Georgia 3031
Diesel Underwear Valentine’s Day Fashion Show: Saturday, February 14th @ PRIMAL Featuring NYC’s Dj Chachi! House, Electro, Hip-Hop, Rock Anthems, EDM & Mash-ups. 21 & Up to Enter! • Guestlist Good Until 11:30pm!
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Does Inner Beauty Count?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I think that it’s a misconception that inner beauty does not matter on the dating scene. Of course, we all have our preferences on looks and types. We certainly have our shallow moments from time to time.
Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, such is the case for inner beauty. This basically means that what may be attractive to one person could be unattractive to another. A person’s inner beauty can actually enhance their appearance to you. Have you ever dated someone who became more and more sexy to you as you got to know them?
What do you think about the concept of inner beauty? Do you think it matters as much as the other things?
I know many women that say they want to be desired, but they also want to be appreciated for their other attributes. What do women usually expect from men to show this appreciation?
Guys, what is your perspective on inner beauty?
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Say What You Mean
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Today’s blog is brought to you by a male reader, M. I thought it would be great to get the male perspective for a change. Enjoy!
You would be surprised what you can learn if you listen and ask the right questions. I have noticed that the times when I really was interested and gave someone my undivided attention, I already had all the information I needed to make a decision on a relationship. Looking back when a relationship did not work, the proof was already there in the beginning. Shame on me.
An example was on a recent outing with a young lady, I was discussing hurdles in past relationships. She mentioned that her biggest issue was with guys looking at other women. Which led me to believe that she was insecure at one time, but now maybe getting better at being more comfortable with herself.
How important is someone’s word to you in the beginning. Do you believe everything that they say, even if it is a bad thing? Ladies, if you really like someone, do you tend to want to hang in there with the hope of the guy changing?
Guys, what do you do when a woman is great, but there are a couple of issues that you aren’t thrilled about in the beginning? Do you stick around and hope things will get better?
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Quality, Not Quantity
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When you’ve been in the dating game as long as I have cough, all the flirting, first dates, and flings start to lose its appeal. Sometimes you just want one person that just does it for you. If you’re smart, you will leave behind the unsavory characters: the flaky, unstable, rabbit boilers. You know, people like your exes!
So how do you spot the quality ones? How do you project to others that you are a quality person, worth a second look? Have you reached the quality, not quantity phase? If so, how did you change your approach to dating?
One of my guy friends likes to pay attention to a woman’s track record. He doesn’t go all Horatio on her and investigate her past. Yet, he thinks that since women talk sooo much (gasp?), a lot of times they reveal a great bit of information. Is that fair, though?
I mean if we are being graded on our dating track record, umm yea, I wouldn’t fare too well. Although, my recent dating misadventures are a lot more mild then my reckless dating days, do guys pay attention to that much?
Ladies, have you ever met an ex of the person you are seeing and wondered: what in the world was he thinking?! Did you look at him differently? Do you think your track record with men reflects on the present-day you?
Guys, what do you think about my friend’s theory on track records?
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Lose My Cool
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was a little shocked when the news broke yesterday that Chris Brown was arrested for felony assault on a female. Oddly enough, I had already pre-written a post for today’s topic that had been suggested by one of our readers (shout to Mr. M!) about this very thing.
What do you do when someone you are dating loses their cool? Lately, many of us have been dealing with financial stress or job losses (or the fear of losing one). What happens when it becomes a bit much, just as you are building a relationship? Do you reveal your frustrations to the person or bail out of the dating relationship?
Chris Brown is accused of channeling Ike Turner on Rhianna is an extreme example, but what do you do if someone you like snaps on you? What if they raise their voice, try to take their frustration out on you? What if they revealed a temper that literally shocked you? What do you do? Is it a deal breaker automatically?
Do you have a temper? If so, how does that impact your dating? Do you warn the people you are seeing about it?
Happy Monday!
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Let’s hear it for the boy! (Or girl!)
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Me. Me. Me. Or, in blog world, You. You. You. It recently occurred to me as I pondered blog options that most topics (and for good reason) are about the self. What we want, what we think of ourselves, what we deem appropriate, etc.
Not today! Well, sort of. Maybe because I’m feeling really thankful that my SO is a patient gem — taking care of me when I’m super sick, bringing me dinner when I’m buried with class assignments, putting up with me when I’m stressing about the world — today’s blog is about giving praise to our others.
I know, I know. Not all of us are currently in relationships, but surely we each have a quality we appreciated in partners of the past that we hope to find in the future. What about the girl whose calming voice made everything better? The fellow who always knew just the right thing to say? The SO who stuck with you in your darkest hour?
Whether you’re recalling with a smile a relationship of yesteryear, or currently in one, what do you appreciate most about your SO? What did they teach you that sticks with you today?
Happy Friday!
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Background check - a must or a maybe?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My colleague, Andrea, wants to wring her friend’s neck. Every time Andrea begins to date someone new, her friend goes full-out with background searches. (It helps that she’s a reporter and knows how to do that.) Girlfriend looks up public records, checks criminal records, finds out if he, she or Andrea have mutual friends that can be called upon for references.
The weird thing, Andrea says, is that she never asks her girl to do this work. And most of the time, she just doesn’t care or want to know, preferring to get to know someone gradually and organically.
I imagine many people have the urge to google a new love interest; heck, I’ve done it. I’ve also, on occasion, looked up public records if something about a new person doesn’t sit quite right. (One time, I discovered a slick fellow’s marriage license. He was busted and my time wasn’t wasted.)
Do you think it’s smart or strange to “google” someone new? How far would you go to check someone out before dating?
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He’s Just Not That Into You, Revisited…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A guy friend and I had a go-around yesterday about the “he’s just not that into you” concept after talking about the movie. (And no, I haven’t seen it.) While I’m a fairly big believer in the phenomenon, my friend thinks it’s largely hooey. Our views almost seem like role reversal. Note we’re not talking about a situation in either of our lives, just in general.
See what I mean in this e-mail exchange.
Dave: 1) It is such a pathetic attempt to oversimplify things and
2) Is often terribly untrue
Me: 1) At a very base level, it Is that simple.
2) It is often quite true, but some women, in particular, don’t want to accept that and thus build in countless excuses for their mate.
Dave: 3) Perhaps women and men will never really understand each other fully.
4) Maybe he’s just not into you in the way you envision what the perfect man being “into you” looks like.
Me: 3) Agreed.
4) Maybe he’s just not into you in the way you envision what the perfect man being “into you” looks like. And if so, keep on looking.
My view: When a man really wants a woman, he makes it happen. He finds the time. He makes her the priority. Yes, it will be work, but both people are working at the relationship - not necessarily one more than the other. Women (and often our friends) create excuses for someone’s lack of interest by saying things like “he was hurt in the past and can’t open up again” or “he’s just really busy with his job and doesn’t have time.” Yeah, we’re all busy and we do all have issues, but when the right one comes along, all those BS excuses fall to the side and we try our best to make it happen.
Dave’s view: It is a terrible oversimplification… We must recognize that things are far more complex, far more complicated than we can ever know. Sure, maybe he is not AS into you as you believe he needs to be or should be, but perhaps there are reasons for this beyond you as a person. Women shouldn’t make it all about them and don’t make it all about him, either. Maybe he is into you, but there is something else. If a woman is too much about getting married, having kids, locking things down (or even if a man is the same way somehow), then the other person, in most reasonable cases, will react in the opposing way. Cause and effect.
Strange. I have for years cleared my mental space by looking at relationships in these simple terms, but Dave’s view actually suggests many are right by giving credence to their partner’s disinterested behavior.
Where do you stand? Are those of us who have converted to the “he’s just not that into you” wisdom now oversimplifying? Or is life easier once you stop giving excuses for others and start pursuing love in the shape you desire?
By the way, the “He’s Just Not That Into You” movie website has a neat quiz about just how into you he or she might be. I took it and scored a “soulmate” level with Roland. Kind of fun! And check out these photos from the premiere
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Compromise…it’s the little things that count.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
All good relationships require compromise, right? The ebb and flow of giving and getting works best, we’re told, when it’s in balance.
I was thinking of this principle when my co-worker talked about how his wife is a neat freak. She hates dishes in the sink for any amount of time. The bed must be made every morning pronto. Papers are all filed, mail immediately sorted, bandages have their own compartment, etc. You get the idea.
John, my colleague, is more of a guy’s guy. The bed may or may not get made. The dishes may linger in the sink for a day or two… but those habits changed, he said, when he met Holly.
He told me she often complains that he doesn’t pull his fair share of the housework, to which he responds that he has a different standard of clean than she does, so he doesn’t always notice what she sees as messy. Further, she always cleans it when she sees the problem, so he feels she doesn’t give him the chance to fix it.
But he noticed recently, while she was away for the weekend, that he picked up the slack. All laundry was washed and folded. Bed made every day. The backyard was picked up. He did all of the things she complained he seems “incapable” of doing.
The moral of his story? He said he’s trying to adjust to her side, taking on more household responsibilities. But he still feels she has yet to come to his…while he’d like her to be a little more patient, he feels she continues to immediately do the chore, but then resent him for it.
Ahh, young love.
Have any of you experienced disagreements over the seemingly mundane tasks of life? How did you adjust to coupledom when it comes to things like chores? Are you more like John, slowly coming around to his wife’s neat-freak side? Or Holly, who continues to immediately tackle the chores, while resenting her husband for not getting to them first?
And about that Super Bowl party. Y’all know I did not want to go, but I did. Only for him, mind you. The Ex was there, but strangely, I didn’t meet her. I didn’t even know who she was for most of the night, though I eventually figured it out. She and Roland didn’t speak (at least not while I was there; I arrived an hour after he did and we stayed for about 5 more hours), nor did she speak to me. I wasn’t sure whether I should introduce myself, but given how uncomfortable I was and she seemed to be, I let it slide.
All in all, nothing dramatic to report, other than the thoughts and images I now have in my head because of going. Oh! And I won some money in the squares game, so that was a sweet surprise for my pain and suffering.
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In dating, I want to be better or take me as I am?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I wouldn’t exactly describe myself as “sweet.” I don’t see the world through a rainbow lens, I am easily annoyed and have often been told I’m rather direct. Luckily, I usually deliver those “direct” messages in a humorous way, so for the most part, I believe (I hope?) people find me more amusing than obnoxious.
But in relationships, my frank nature is probably a challenge. Heck, I know it is, as I’ve been told as much. I’m just not good at sugar-coating, even in times when prudence tells me to do so.
I find that my closest friends share this quality, but not all of my partners do. Roland isn’t as blunt as I, though his mothers and sisters definitely are. This is the only reason I believe him when he says it’s one of the things he loves most about me.
I’ve known for awhile it’s a quality I need to improve upon, and my current relationship is motivating me even more to be better.
Do you have a “bad” quality that has pushed some away, but your partner loves? Do you think relationships should make us want to be better, or should we just accept ourselves for what we are?
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