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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2008 > December
December 2008
What’s In A Word?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You know that old saying, “Actions speak louder than words”, right? Well, what do you do when the words make you cringe? I know that for me, first impressions go a long way. Whenever I meet a guy who trashes the English language, uses excessive profanity, or has a little limited in vocabulary, I find it hard to take him seriously.
It may sound picky, but I think that it is a compatiblility issue. I don’t know how well I could get along with someone like this, and believe me, I’ve tried it. My inner English teacher kicks in and I spend my time fighting the urge to correct him.
Is a poor vocabulary a deal breaker for you? Is this something that could actually turn you off?
Do you think that it is harsh to judge a person’s vocabularly or language? What does it really say about them, if anything?
Are you someone that uses poor language or uses excessive profanity? Does it impact your dating? Have you ever dated someone who was? How did you handle it?
Permalink | Comments (395) | Post your comment | Categories: Mix & Mingle
It’s Been Real, It’s Been Fun…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Happy Holidays everyone! I hope that you all had a fantastic week last week. I had a wonderful time with my family and friends, spending quality time and cherishing each moment. There is nothing better than being surrounded by the ones you love. It’s priceless.
I spent part of my leisure time thinking back on the past year. I have had some real misadventures and I’ve definitely had some fun misadventures! I can’t think of one single date that stands out as the best of the best. I can recall one goose bump-inducing moment:
I’m at home, watching a guy of interest on the security camera. He is patiently waiting to be buzzed in, holding a bouquet of flowers. Goose. Bumps. My secured building set up sort of ruined the moment of opening the door to see him standing there with the sweet surprise. (Sometimes modern technology completely ruins romance!) I stalled just a minute as to watch him longer. Hopefully the new year will bring more of these kind of moments.
What about you? What do you consider your favorite misadventure/adventure of 2008? It doesn’t have to be dating/relationship related. What happened this year that made you the happiest? The proudest? Any regrets? Did you learn something new about yourself?
Did you try something new and exciting in 2008?
Happy Monday!
Permalink | Comments (201) | Post your comment | Categories: Holidays
MIA is MIA this week - happy holidays!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear All,
Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah! Because of the holidays, Misadventures will be on vacation this week. Wise Diva will be back on duty Monday the 29th.
Take good care!
Blanca
Permalink | | Categories: Current Events
Game Changing Gifts
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The holiday season can make a significant impact on a new relationship. It can either push you to the next stage, knock you back a step, or bring out the oh so lovely confusion stage. Sometimes this is brought about because of the gift giving process.
One gift (good or bad) can totally change the game. If you are in a new relationship, one of you (ok, the woman!) may look at the gift to decipher some deep meaning.
In the first year of a relationship, I don’t think it’s important to go all out or spend a lot of money. This is the ideal time to put some thought into something they would cherish. What are gift ideas for relationships that are less than 1 month old? 3 months? 1 year?
This hilarious commercial shows how one bad gift can put a guy in the doghouse. Guys have you ever given a gift that upset your girlfriend or wife? What was it? Ladies, did you ever give something to your man that didn’t go over so well?
Is it a good idea to impose a spending limit on Christmas presents? What’s an acceptable amount to spend on your first Christmas together? What are some gifts that you have given or received when you just started dating someone?
What if you just met someone that you are really into. Do you play it safe and just squeeze in some QT with them? Do you wait for them to bring up the gift exchange?
Guys, you are so tough to buy for, what are some items you secretly wish the women in your life would get for you?
Ladies, do you have a grown up Christmas wish list? What do you hope to see under the tree?
Happy Friday!
Permalink | Comments (346) | Categories: Holidays
Too Broke to Break Up?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We have all seen the tumultuous ride the economy has been on this year. Interestingly enough, a by-product of all this is that some couples are forced to stay together because it would be fiscally undesirable to split up. Married people and live-in couples merge finances so intimately, that sometimes it would be “cheaper to keep her (or him)”.
I have known a few couples who were making investments, buying real estate, starting businesses etc. while dating and/or in a committed relationship. Have you ever done this? Did you make money or make a mess? Is there a smart way to do business with someone you are dating?
Have you ever been financially trapped in a dating relationship? Did you delay a breakup because you were financially dependent on someone?
When you stay with someone because you prefer the lifestyle you have when you are with them, do you think it’s a recipe for disaster?
Permalink | Comments (298) | Post your comment | Categories: Breakups
You had me at hello!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I spotted a news story about an interesting study on one of my favorite websites recently. My inner nerd always find research about male and female relationships so intriguing. In this study, the researchers discovered that “men tended to overestimate woman’s sexual interest, while women underestimated a man’s willingness to commit.” It seems that it’s natural! (They call it adaptive biases.)
It certainly brings up many scenarios in my mind, just being out in the city, how all of us deal with this conundrum of mixed signals. There have been times when I genuinely just speak to people of the opposite sex with no ulterior motive to flirt, or engage in any wooing technique. At some point, the guy gets it in his head that I want to have his babies, and the next thing I know, he is making a play for me. (Yea, I was just asking you about screwdrivers buddy, settle down) Hey, I don’t complain too much, male attention isn’t something I exactly run from!
What happens when mixed signals come up? Do you agree with the study that men generally overestimate a woman’s interest in them? Do you think this can happen with women too?
Ladies, do you think that you underestimate a man’s willingness to commit? Is it possible your apprehension shows, thereby becoming a deterrent for guys who want to get to know you better?
Permalink | Comments (303) | Post your comment | Categories: Mix & Mingle
If you use me, you lose me
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If single people listed their top 10 most annoying things about dating in Atlanta, I would bet that being used ranks pretty high. There is no way to get around it, and many of us are guilty of it ourselves.
Going out on a date with someone you have absolutely no physical attraction to because you are bored? You, my friend are a user. Keeping someone around for pseudo-dating because they make a great arm ornament? Yep, use. use. use.
So if it happens so much, and we are all guilty of it, is it always a bad thing? How is it avoidable? How would you feel if someone you met and really liked, used you for a specific come up. Would it be a deal breaker?
I am often asked by guy friends for help in recognizing when they are being used by women. Ladies, can you give men tips on when women are using them? What ways have you used a guy, and did it backfire? If so, how did you pay for it later?
Guys, even if you have to confess your romantic crimes and out your bad ways, how can you advise a woman when a guy is using her for personal gain?
Aren’t two people who really like each other supposed to rely on one another if they are able to provide something? Shouldn’t men be able to show how he can protect, provide, and support a woman? Shouldn’t a woman be able to demonstrate how she can be dependable, nurturing, and reliable for her man?
Permalink | Comments (374) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Accidental Girl Friend
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Women have egos. Guys, if you did not know this little fun fact about us, it’s helpful that you learn now. When you turn us down, in any way at all, we don’t cope with it as well as you do. It’s like it never happened and you suddenly become “ole’ what’s his face” Of course, no one enjoys rejection, but women are especially ill-equipped to handle it.
Recently, I ran into my own “ole what’s his face” as I was waiting on order at Raging Burrito recently. Ray was one of those charming, charismatic guys that adores attention from women. When we met through mutual friends, we hit it off really well in conversation, and attraction - on my end, that is.
From the beginning, I perceived us as friendly with a high chance of rendezvous, with relationship potential. When I finally realized he never made a move in that direction, I understood what it’s like for guys who end up in the friend zone. It pretty much sucks, basically.
Ladies, what do you do when you realize a guy does not think of you as girlfriend or wife material? Have you ever befriended a guy in hopes of dating, only to find out you were his girl (space) friend?
Guys, from your perspective, is there really such a thing as a friend zone? Are there female friends that have no chance of romance or a relationship with you? Do they know this or are they accidental girl friends?
If a woman misreads a guy’s interest, who is responsible for setting things straight?
Permalink | Comments (211) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
The secrets of relationship success
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have you ever been stopped a red light behind a car and noticed the couple ahead leaning in for a kiss?
If so, you may have been annoyed or possibly you gagged. Maybe you were touched and thought it was sweet. Or some of you might’ve honked your horn and shouted “get a room!”
It’s easy, especially when you’re single or in an unhappy relationship, to take a magnifying glass to happy couples. Heck, I do that even when I’m content with my own life.
I often look no further than my parents - married 33 years - for tips. Some of my observations about their success include:
1) Love, hugs and kisses. Trust me, my parents aren’t all peaches and cream, but they always greet eachother with a kiss and sign off phone calls (to eachother and their children) with “I love you.”
2) No shouting. Of course my parents aren’t exactly ecstatic about the other at all times, but I’ve never once really seen (or heard) them argue. I have no idea how they did it, but they either mastered the silent scream or just respected one another enough to never raise voices. (Of course…my siblings and I were all the recipients of a loud scolding every now and then as children.)
3) Balancing act. They know each makes the other a better person, and delight in eachother’s strengths. They openly consider themselves a team and trust in the other’s abilities.
Have you ever analyzed your friends’ (or your own) happy relationships for tools? What are some of the steps they’ve taken to build a strong partnership? What do you hope to emulate?
HAPPY FRIDAY!
Permalink | Comments (267) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Shedding your single self
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Today’s blog comes from eavesdropping on coworkers, both of whom were married in the past year. Though they’ve dated their respective spouses for a couple years, both still find it difficult to shed their single-selves and start completely thinking as a unit.
Let me amend that: my male co-worker, Dwayne, says he still struggles to do so, while my female co-worker is finding her husband has Dwayne’s problem. And by problem, I’ll use Dwayne’s example: a guy deciding that he is going on a trip with his buddies without checking in with the wife first, and even if the wife objects, going anyway.
I asked Dwayne if living with someone before marriage, as he did, helped address and correct the issue early on. His response? For the most part, yes, “but it’s like hemorrhoids or arthritis and the problem flares up every now and again.”
When you begin a new relationship, have you had trouble transitioning from a single person to a partner? In what circumstances does it show up most? Guys night? Paying bills? Wanting to take trips? Your partner’s friendships with the opposite sex?
And how did you resolve the issue, if you did at all?
Permalink | Comments (344) | Post your comment | Categories: Marriage
To disclose or not to disclose: I dated your friend.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend Jessica approached me with a dating dilemma, but I was rather stumped when she asked for advice.
Here’s her dilemma, and fair warning, it’s a little complicated for my taste. (And per usual, changing names to protect those involved.)
Over the summer, Jessica met a guy named Derek through her friend Rick. (For the record, Rick has professed his love for Jessica, but she’s always told him she wasn’t interested in him.) Anyway, she and Derek hit it off and started casually seeing eachother. Soon, they were sleeping together, but both because he was 1) apparently pretty terrible in bed and 2) hot and cold with her, the courtship fizzled after a month or two.
Fast forward to last week. Jessica hosted a little night-out at a local club, and Rick (because he’s totally into her) shows up with his friends. Once again, Jessica seems to hit it off with another fella, John, who asks her out this Friday. The possible problem? John is friends with Derek, but either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that Jessica dated his friend.
The question she has is this: Does she tell John that she used to see Derek? Or does she leave that up to the boys to figure out?
I’ve never dated friends of exes, so I have no idea what to suggest. If I ventured a thought, I’d first make sure John isn’t going out with her because he’s heard of stories through his buddy. But I’d also question guys who would go out with a girl their friend (in this case, Rick) says he loves; makes me think they are dogs and have no intention of getting serious with Jessica.
What would you do? Or would you even get yourself into this triangle at all? (Or is it a square, given that now she’s dated two friends of the guy who’s madly into her.) Advice, people, please!
Permalink | Comments (312) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Breaking your silence…on accident.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Every relationship has its firsts: your first meeting, your first kiss, the first time you say the “L-word.” But for many women, there’s one first we absolutely dread: breaking, how do you say, “wind” in front of a partner.
That’s right. I went there.
Remember that episode from the first season of Sex in the City, when Carrie lets one slip while in bed with Big? She’s mortified, and later thinks that’s the reason he stopped having sex with her. Samantha isn’t any help when she tells Carrie: “We aren’t supposed to fart, douche, use tampons or have hair in places we shouldn’t.”
Yikes.
I’m lucky this hasn’t happened with Roland yet, though we’ve had some other embarrassing experiences I can’t even begin to describe. (And of course, I’m a woman so I don’t even DO things like that anyway!) ;)
I’m reminded, however, of a guy I used to date. Let’s call him Dave. Dave was extremely comfortable with himself, so much so that early on in our relationship, he openly let one fly at home with me and then turned and said: “What? We’re human. It happens — deal!”
Even if I didn’t necessarily want to respond in kind, his open (albeit crass) attitude seriously took the pressure off those types of situations. From that moment on, I knew I could do pretty much anything in front of him without fear of embarrassment.
Ladies, is this a fear we ever get over when dating someone new? Fellas, are any of you as worried about that moment as women seem to be?
Have any of you ever “stepped on a bunny” (as my grandmother used to say) in front of a lover, only to have that relationship fizzle because of it? How have your dates/partners/lovers handled those moments of true human intimacy? And how have you saved face?
Not sure how to monitor today’s blog for taste, so do your best to be honest while keeping it somewhat clean!
Permalink | Comments (210) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
“There are other fantasies than football.”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
“There are other fantasties than football.”
That’s what I’ve been reminding Roland (jokingly, sort of) during the past few weeks as he has geared up for this thing you fellas call “Fantasy Football.” (I wish I could say I invented the line, but I actually ripped it from my beloved website SomeeCards.com.)
Anyhoo, though he is in his mid-30s, Roland and his friends live in a world where emotion, time and money are devoted to a mythological land where, like a smorgasbord, they pick and choose their best football players from the buffet of the NFL in order to have a fantastical best team ever. And what does this mean for us? Some Sundays (and Monday nights) may be Roland’s guy time.
Luckily, I don’t mind. And even though he would never tell me to not join him and his friends on those Taco Mac or what-have-you sports outings, I like to do my own thing. Another guy in his group of eight or so friends, however, brings his wife, who sits quietly while they try to have man time.
Needless to say, the guys don’t like it. They think she kills the vibe and wonder why she would even want to be there. I have to say, I agree.
Obviously most couples have different interests within their own partnership, just as men and women do as a whole. I was reminded of this as I strung the lights on my tree while Roland, tuckered out from his wonderland football games and possible boredom, fought to stay awake. And even if my friends invited him along to our girls Christmas cookie exchange, he knows its really 1) not going to be that fun for a guy and 2) a great time for girl chat. In other words, he knows his role, and it’s not there with me.
He and I see eachother six days or more out of the week, but when it comes to certain events, we’re cool playing it solo. It’s not simply that I could care less about football, but I want him to keep his guy-card by going alone. Likewise, he’d come with me to the nail salon if I asked him to, but we both agree that sounds rather miserable for him.
When you are in a relationship, are you the type of person to attend every event with your partner, or are you cool going to some things alone? In your experience, what are some types of guy-only activities, and what hobbies do you ladies have away from your man?
Most importantly, are you annoyed by couples that go to everything together, kind of like Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen in Real Housewives of New York City?
Permalink | Comments (230) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Take it off
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A reader emailed me to get advice from the blog. Sara has been dating Mark nearly a year and she has found that he has sort of a hang up, of sorts. He does not like her to see him naked, like ever. She doesn’t understand it because he she says he is attractive and moderately fit. When she tries to get him to take it all off, he can only manage to comply for a few minutes.
Talking about it hasn’t gotten her anywhere, so what should she do? Is there anything she can do to make him more at ease?
Whenever you date someone, you eventually discover these quirky little hang ups over time. You never know what hang ups may emerge and actually pose a challenge to your relationship. How have you handled dealing with someone’s hang up about sex, intimacy, etc.? How do you reveal yours? Do you cop to it as soon as possible?
Happy Friday!
Permalink | Comments (309) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
The Halley’s Comet of Dating
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have you ever met someone and had chemistry and compatibility happening at the same time? Yeah, it’s rare. It’s like the Halley’s Comet of dating. You don’t know when it will happen, it’s hard to predict if you will even live along enough to experience it. If you are lucky enough to experience it, then it’s a wondrous thing.
I have hope that getting that crazy, sexy, cool chemistry with someone who I am actually compatible with will happen. If I am waiting 76 years before I get to see that, so be it! It’s that important to me. At the risk of spinster-hood, (which I am officially approaching!) I think it is worth it to find. I haven’t pushed my panic button yet. You know, that OMG, I will die alone! panic button.
How do you rank chemistry when you meet someone? Is it possible that the chemistry is what makes you compatible or vice versa?
When I have chemistry with a guy, I have a strong, practically visceral reaction to him. I see plenty of hot guys in Atlanta, but not many invoke that strong chemistry. Unfortunately, after weeks of dating, compatibility evades us. Then we are left with chemistry, and little else to sustain things. How does chemistry with someone work with you?
Should single people give up on the compatibility and chemistry combination? Is it really obtainable?
Permalink | Comments (265) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Suspended for Stupidity
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was following sports coverage yesterday of Plaxico Burress and Sean Avery. As I read along, I was thinking that although these gentleman were suspended for different reasons, both of these knuckleheads have a lot of growing up to do.
Sean Avery made some remarks to reporters pertaining to his dating history: “I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.” Way to stay classy Avery! Bitter much?
The NHL said that the suspension was because of “the inappropriate public comments, not pertaining to the game” but I think he also broke some kind of male dating rule: Don’t publicly trash your ex! Do you think the NHL should have suspended Avery?
Have you ever done something incredibly stupid to your ex? Did it backfire on you?
Have you ever dated someone and later found out they were talking trash about you post-break up? How did you handle it?
Why do we take it so personally when things don’t work out in a dating relationship? I think that the way things end plays an important role in how we handle it. It doesn’t always have to be so messy, does it? How do you keep your break-ups classy and clean?
Permalink | Comments (223) | Post your comment | Categories: Sports
What’s Your BMI?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Sorry fitness fans! I am not referring to Body Mass Index. I am talking about Basic Male Insecurity, here. One thing I have learned about dating men, they have insecurities too. They are masters of concealing them and can put them in check fairly well (how do you guys do that!?), BUT they do exist.
I’ve heard that the way a woman handles her man’s BMI can make a huge difference in her being wife material! So how do smart women contend with the BMIs? First we have to be able to recognize them!
Guys, what do you think are some basic male insecurities? Have you found that being in a relationship allows you to handle them more effectively then when you are single? How would you advise a woman about dealing with insecurities a man may have?
Ladies, have you ever dated someone with BMIs that challenged your potential relationship? How did you handle it? What worked best for you? A lot of times, women are said not to know how to keep a man because it takes some finesse handling this type of thing. Do you agree?
Permalink | Comments (287) | Post your comment | Categories: All About Him
World AIDS Day
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Today is World AIDS Day and 2008 marks the 20th anniversary of this campaign. It is a day to raise awareness, educate people, and motivate the world to continue to fight the disease. There is no doubt that HIV and AIDS made a huge impact on the way we date. Sadly, despite the education and awareness, the numbers are still staggering.
According to the CDC, in 2007, the estimated number of persons living with HIV worldwide was 33.2 million and there were 2.7 million people newly infected. As a society, we have to continue to promote education and awareness.
The US Department of Health provides helpful fact sheets that can be distributed to inform and educate people.
In honor of World AIDS day, what would you like to do to make a difference? Have you ever volunteered with a program that targets AIDS awareness, education, or assists those living with it? If so, what were you experiences?
How do you think we as single people, specifically, can make a difference? Do you know anyone who has AIDS? Are you living with HIV/AIDS?
Recently, I said that I am surprised that people still hook up with strangers for one night stands. Do you think this will ever change? What do you do to protect yourself?
Permalink | Comments (137) | Post your comment | Categories: Current Events
