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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2008 > October
October 2008
Frightful dates?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Happy Halloween my MIA friends!
In honor of this spookiest of spooky days, let’s reflect on our horrors of the dating world.
You all know some of mine, from the man fetal position on my living room floor to the jerk-loser getting a girl’s number at my home, to the musician/secret swinger.
Now it’s your turn to share your most unbelievable dates. Ever dated a woman who turned out to be a man? What about a fellow who presents himself like a high-roller, only to discover he stills lives with mama? What about a woman who cried at dinner on your first date?
I’m sure you’ve got tales. We want to hear them.
BTW, Blanca has a first date tomorrow night. (Zip it, The Truth.) Wish me luck for a fright-free Saturday!
Permalink | Comments (227) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Dating like cats and dogs
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Any pet lover knows that when it comes to dating, a new love makes three. And as we all know, three can be a crowd.
A couple case studies to consider:
A good friend of mine (a man) has a dog named Oscar who battles allergies and a finicky stomach; despite regular visits to the vet, the dog can be a handful of health problems. But Oscar has been my friend’s companion for nearly a decade, his buddy and family when he was going through rough times. (I resisted typing “ruff” times.) Last spring, my friend called me in distress. Just weeks before his girlfriend was scheduled to move into his home, she suggested to him that 1) the dog might be better off in the country where he’d have more space to run or 2) she wanted a contract detailing her role in caring for Oscar. (Keep in mind that option 1 didn’t mean they’d get a country estate. She wanted the dog gone.)
I don’t care much for this girl, so I hoped this would be the end of their already rocky relationship. Instead, they “worked it out” without having to give up Oscar or signing a contract. I think after he told her (again) how important the dog was, she relented.
Q: What would you have done in his shoes? Do you think she was justified in wanting a written description of her dog duties?
Another story: Another friend of mine (he can be “Jake”) stopped seeing his girlfriend because she insisted that her four dogs sleep in the bed with them. That’s how she slept as a single woman, and refused to have them elsewhere when he stayed over. Jake admits he really likes the girl, but sleeping with 16 furry legs is out of the question.
Q: Does Jake sound picky, or does she seem weird? How many of you keep Fluffy or Muffy by your side, but would you move them for an overnight guest?
Final tale: A reader wrote to me with another “tail” of dog-induced relationship demise. He had been seeing a woman for eight months, quite seriously he thought. The only problem? When they cuddled on the couch, the pooch would bark and snarl his way. He admits he’s not a dog lover, but said when he finally asked her to “correct the behavior,” an argument escalated into a break-up. They’ve begun to reconcile, but she gave our reader (let’s call him DoggieDave) an ultimatum: act lovingly toward her dog or get lost.
His words: I feel like all I can do is respect how you feel about your pet and you can not demand I become a dog lover when I am not… I in no way am trying to replace the dog as the center of her world. I am a very secure person. But this makes me wonder if she loves the dog so much that she does not have “room” to really love a man.
Question: Have any of you dated someone you felt loved their pet more than they were capable of loving you? Is that bond easy to understand or hard to respect? Has someone’s pet ever been the cause of your break-up, or what about times our furry friends brought you together?
Passionate about pets? Visit ajcpets
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Looking for a cheap date…idea…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Like most people, Blanca is feeling broke. Sure, I can pay my bills, but it doesn’t leave much fun money behind.
In an “ideal” world, this chica may not have to spend a lot of money to be wined and dined, but I do like to pay for a couple’s dinners or entertainment every now and again. (However, definitely not on the first date. If I guy lets me do that, I know there’s no future. That’s right, I said it!)
We’ve been writing recently about fun things to do on the cheap, but I’m looking to our MIA community for ways to save while living up the single life.
Once you get to know someone, you can have quiet, romantic dinners at home, but what about when you meet someone new? What ideas do you have for inexpensive, but fun dates?
And would you care if a new beau took you to Waffle House on your first date, instead of Bone’s or Aquaknox?
Permalink | Comments (331) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
“Strongest ever.”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Part 2 of the Blanca/Steve split.
In yesterday’s blog I referenced the awkward dinner date that preceded our final talk. After sitting at the restaurant bar waiting some 45 minutes to be seated (when they told us 15), I made a comment about us needing to grab a hostess to ask about the delay. Steve then began talking about how I am more direct than other women he’s dated, especially in things like addressing waiters or ordering my own dinner. He said the words “You’re a really strong woman,” to which I asked, “Compared to whom? Other women you’ve dated?”
His response: “Yeah, like Strongest Ever.”
But there was no smile. No twinkle in the eye. No follow-up with “But that’s what I love most about you, Blanca.”
I wasn’t sure how to feel about his assessment. Sure, I know I’m a fairly independent person, but I’ve typically dated guys who want that in a woman, or at least find it normal. (Truth is, I like when a guy takes charge and handles all of the ordering - getting my preference first, of course.)
I felt awful in thinking I had somehow stepped on his toes and apologized to him. I added that I may be a strong woman, but I prefer even stronger men and I wouldn’t have dated him if I doubted his ability to handle life’s situations.
But between that and him declaring he didn’t like talking about politics, all signs were pointing to the obvious: we definitely weren’t on the right track. So back on the market I go. But this “strongest, ever” phrase is stuck in my mind. My friends and I are very similar in being independent, capable women, and frankly, I wouldn’t want it any other way. There are things I still want and need in a male partner, but I don’t intend to act meek or mild to find him.
Ladies, have you run into similar relationship probs? And men, how do you suggest women continue to be fabulous and “strong” without stepping on a man’s toes?
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Relationships and politics.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Let’s begin this week’s blogs with a Blanca dating update: “Single, again.” (Consider this Part One of a two-part break-up blog.)
The last fella (for today’s purposes, his name is Steve) bit the dust. It was a gentle parting, the result of me asking after a particularly stressful date: “Steve, do you think this is working out?”
Good thing I asked, because turns out, he didn’t.
Now let’s back up. I had been seeing Steve for about two months. We saw eachother several times a week and I usually felt pretty great around him. He’s much milder than I and thus kind of had a calming effect on me.
In our time together, I noticed a couple differences in our interests and intellectual pursuits. For example, like many people I have been following the election circus fairly closely, but I realized after our first conversation about the race that Steve hadn’t. I’m by no means a politics junkie, but given the historic significance of this year’s race, I was somewhat incredulous by his lack of interest.
Later, we watched a couple of the debates together and had more productive conversations about the election, which I admit made me feel better about our first fruitless chat. In fact, I brushed off that lame political convo as just bad timing and soon forgot the whole thing.
Now back to the break-up. After an awkward dinner date, I asked him if he thought things were working out. He said he had concerns about our compatibility. “Blanca, you’re really cerebral and an intellectual. I’m a sports guy. I don’t talk about politics; that’s just not who I am.”
That wasn’t the only issue (more on that tomorrow), but I found it interesting that he used it as an example of our differences. I don’t really believe politics was our demise, as much as a symbol that something wasn’t clicking on a larger level. That said, I’m wondering how engaged people are in this year’s election and if it has impacted your relationships.
What role, if any, has it played in your dating game this year? Would you chat about politics with a new lover? And could you be with someone with opposing political views, or as I found out, someone who simply doesn’t care?
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Pay Attention to the Passion
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When my single friends tell me about the people they meet, many of them say that they lose interest if they find that the person lacks passion. Or if they are passionate about something, it’s far from their own passion.
How important is it for someone you are dating to have passion? Do you get along better with people who have passion for the same things you do?
I have noticed that I am drawn to competitive men, this is something that catches my eye. I pay attention to what is driving his motivation to achieve and what feeds his passion for life. I think this tells a lot about how compatible we are.
Passion can also tell you if the person is not a good match for you. If they expend energy and focus on things that are not aligned with your outlook, you should pay attention to that closely. It could impact how long your interest in the person lasts.
Have you ever dated someone who was passionate about something? Was it something that appealed to you or turned you off? When you are dating someone new, do you show them what you are passionate about? If so, how do you express your passion to them?
If you can’t put a finger on what the person is passionate about would that bother you?
I’m not sure what happened to the blog, yesterday. I apologize for the early closing. Hopefully today will go off without a hitch - Happy Friday!
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I Am Not My Hair
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I caught up with my friend Josie recently. We met up at Fellini’s to dish about life, love, and our pursuit of happiness. She told me that she was set up on a blind date with a guy who turned out to be bald and she immediately knew he was not her type.
When I asked her if he was an attractive man, she said he was, but the balding head “aged him” to the point of unattractiveness. I urged her to not count him out so fast and give it some time. He could be a real keeper! Why would you let something like hair - or lackthereof be a reason not to date someone?
I told her I would date a bald dude in a minute! Especially if I found him attractive and kind. Her argument was that baldness on black men is way different then baldness on non-black men. The next time Josie whines to me about being stuck at home on a Saturday night, I might have to play the bald-guy card.
I don’t know why that entire conversation irked me so much. I guess it just reminded me of our shallowness on the dating scene. I mean really, hair? I’m sure Josie is not alone, either.
There are men who only date blondes. Guys who don’t date women that relax or straighten their hair. Men who hate it when women wear hair extensions. I don’t get it. What is it about hair that makes it so important in initial attraction?
Have you ever met or dated someone that would not date someone because of their hair? Would you change your hair/hairstyle for someone?
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I Favor Intensity
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In Esquire’s November 2008 issue, Halle Berry is named Sexiest Woman on the Planet
Photo Credit: Esquire
Congratulations Halle! As if her red hot pictures aren’t enough to send tongues wagging, Berry was very candid about her bedroom action in this quote (paraphrasing):
“You know that stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own O’s? That’s all true. And in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty good O’s these days. Much better O’s than when I was twenty-two. And I wouldn’t let a man control that. Not anymore. Now I’d invite him to participate. I’ll tell you this: I’ve learned my tricks. I know what I like. I do not wait around. I initiate. And I’m not all about frequency. I favor intensity”
Wow! clutching my pearls I’ve have always heard that once a woman hits her 40s, things can get better. She certainly makes a good case for this, no?
Guys, do you enjoy a woman who initiates in bed? Is there a preference that you have? Do you think it’s on you to serve up the O’s?
Ladies, what do you think about who control’s the O’s for a woman?
If you are dating someone new, how do you handle expressing to your mate that something needs improving? You know how we all have those “fragile egos”, can we really handle feedback on our skills?
Please follow my lead, keeping the dialogue clean. Filter yourselves, people!
Happy Hump Day!
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The Best Man
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Britney’s back. Is it that her sanity has returned or insanity is hidden better? Whatever, she looks hot and that’s all people seem to care about. Her first song, Womanizer declares: You got me going - You’re oh so charming - But I can’t do it - You womanizer. No surprise it’s Chuck Bass’ knew theme song on Gossip Girl.
Beyonce is back too with If I Were a Boy: If I were a boy I think I could understand - How it feels to love a girl - I swear I’d be a better man: I’d listen to her - Cause I know how it hurts - When you lose the one you wanted.
Disclaimer: Ok, I know that these are just songs, but they also highlight dating/relationship themes that actually exist in the real world - in that whole art imitates life way - or whatever. Just play along, ok?
If men could be women, and women could be men while retaining the essence of our respective genders, do you think we would do a better job with our relationships?
Could women be better men because we would have that missing trait that men supposedly lack: empathy? Would we not be womanizers, sticking and moving on the dating scene?
Would men be the uber female who could separate their emotions and make rational decisions about love? (Of course these are all stereotypes, which is kind of the point, here) How could you be a better dater if you were the opposite sex?
Not to go all Pollyanna/Rodney King on you but, can’t we all just get along? We highlight the differences that we have in a battle of the sexes all the time. I think that we should actually be embracing them, while cutting each other a little slack.
We don’t know what it’s like to be men. Never have, never will. Men certainly don’t know what it’s really like to be women. Isn’t that the way it should be? Well, assuming you don’t go the gender reassignment route.
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Dating a spoiled princess?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of our wonderful male readers, “M” recently made an observation about the single women in Atlanta: If I meet another girl that tells me they are spoiled and used to getting what they want! You are 28 years old!!!!! Grow UP! What’s this epidemic about?
Now, the unenlightened me would have deflected this notion and fired back some “wise” remark about dating women you can’t afford - but I know better than that now. The fact is, a lot of us single women are spoiled, and sometimes we do behave in a way that is annoying to the men. I don’t think we always see our “spoiled” behavior, though.
For the record, I absolutely believe that women should be treated special by guys of interest. The men I date want to take me out and romance me, and honestly don’t seem to mind it. However, if I am not returning a kind gesture, or showing appreciation, or act entitled to these things, I can see how the “spoiled princess” label can get applied.
So guys, help us out: what do you consider spoiled behavior? Isn’t it a good thing when a woman knows her worth? Do you think that you wait a sufficient amount of time before determining whether a woman is displaying spoiled behavior?
Ladies, do you ever think about giving men a “return on dating investments” during the early stages of dating? Other than be appreciative and gracious, what do us modern women do to let the men know that we consider ourselves worthy, without coming across as some spoiled princess? Can you admit to being spoiled?
I certainly love to spoil myself, but I never thought about how men perceived that as a negative. What are your thoughts?
Happy Monday!
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Relationships and stress
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Like many of us, I work all the time and I’m exhausted. I feel as though I’m running 90 mph at life and work, my brain is fried and I have no time to just “be.” Oh, and I’m broke.
In other words, I think I have a stress problem. And heck, I don’t even have a family to take care of. (Hats off to all of you making that work!)
Knowing this, I’m trying to be extra-careful how it affects my actions and perceptions in my new relationship. For the most part, it’s not an issue, because most of my time with him I feel peaceful.
However, I don’t think he really understands the demands of my job and my need for relaxation or to simply vent. For example, I don’t always want to go out and have a big night on the town; sometimes I just need to chill at home. And I don’t like feeling as though I can’t let off steam about this or that around him because it isn’t exactly the most uplifting conversation. Further, it bothers me when he “teases” me for sleeping in on the weekends (to 9:30 or so), something I never used to do, but that now has become my weekend coma.
All jobs can be stressful, but at least his comes with steady hours and more pay.
Can you tell Blanca is feeling a little tense? My point, if any, is that I don’t know if I have valid concerns about my ability to be myself around the new beau, or if I’m just tired and anxious and therefore (dare I say it) a little irrational.
This is how stress is affecting my relationship. How has it affected yours? How did you handle it and what did you do to change it?
And are you finding our current economic struggles are taking a toll on your anxiety levels and by extension relationships?
(I’m out on assignment most of the morning, but will check in this afternoon. Happy Friday!)
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Texting: the new phone call
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’m a writer, so you’d think I’d endorse the new world of dating: text message relationships. I used to think it was just a thing of tweens, but it seems nearly everyone I know from teens to baby boomers now rely heavily on text messaging to communicate with their significant other.
Not a big deal in most situations, but I’ve found it to be a problem in new relationships. For example, I dated a guy briefly over the summer who quickly settled into what I call the “maintenance text.” You know, a quick message at some random point in the day that somehow excuses him from placing a phone call while fulfilling the “I am thinking about you and wanted you to know” requirement. Obviously, that guy didn’t last very long.
A text here or there is fine, but not when it becomes the primary mode of communication. My friend has a no-texting in the first three months rule. If a guy sends her one, she just ignores it, pretending she doesn’t use that feature on her phone.
People in their late 20s may have spent most of their adult dating life using texts, but my older girlfriends are amazed by the 40-something men who text first date requests, rather than man up and call.
I recently came across an AT&T survey of 1,000 people on texting and relationships. Some of the findings:
1) 40% of respondents said that texting plays a significant role in romantic communication.
2) 68% of texters surveyed admitted to sending a love note via text messaging.
3) 37% of respondents who are 18-35 said they text at least three times a day with their significant other; 22% of those aged 36-55 also text.
4) 84% of those surveyed believe that text messages can sometimes be misunderstood by a date or suitor.
I can relate to the last statistic. Awhile back I left a voicemail for a guy I was seeing, asking if we were still on to hang out the next day. I got this text back: “don’t have other plans.” My immediate thought was - really? He needn’t do me any favors. About five hours later, another text came through that put it all in perspective: “Hey! Can’t wait to see you tomorrow if you don’t have other plans.”
Umm, yeah. What I thought was a cold message was actually pretty nice. (Turns out, he was a jerk anyway.)
Do you have a texting policy for your relationships? Have you ever had a miscommunication via abbreviated electronic words? And when did you start using text messages as a form of communication, or do you at all?
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The “Talk”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Bored this weekend, I spent some quality time channel surfing. I caught up on the Rachel Zoe Project, the Real Housewives of Atlanta fiasco, and plenty of CNN. Then I scrolled past an alarmingly-titled show on MTV: “Sex…with Mom and Dad.”
Dr. Drew, who many of us remember from the 1990s sex talk and education show “Loveline” with comedian Adam Carolla, leads teenagers and parents in frank discussions about sex. In one episode, for example, a lesbian seeks acceptance from her folks.
Made me think of my own sex education. Sure, we had the class in school, but prior to that, I had no idea how it worked until I saw a random public education television show in the late 1980s. (I was horrified, by the way.) My parents tried to talk to me about it when I was a freshmen in high school, but they were uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable, and the conversation really didn’t go anywhere.
For the most part, I learned about the deed from my friends and later through relationships. (And, at times, health websites or a doctor.)
How did you learn about sex and relationships? From your friends, parents, siblings or trial by error? Do you think your young sex life might have been different if your parents had educated you early on, and how so?
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“Essential qualities”
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You may remember last month’s story about a French Muslim couple granted an annulment after the bride allegedly lied about her virginity. A French judge granted the couple’s annulment because he found that the wife misrepresented her “essential qualities.” (In response, French lawmakers said the verdict should be overturned as it discriminates against women.)
Our girl Angie reminded me of this story when she wrote to me about the term “essential qualities,” what that means and how it can be applied to many of our relationships.
We talk a lot on MIA about meeting someone’s representative, a person who at first tries to encompass the good, attractive “essential qualities” we all generally may want in a partner. Do you find yourself at times misrepresenting your true self, even with the best intentions at heart?
How would you define essential qualities; are they physical attributes, such as virginity in the aforementioned example? Are they spiritual or emotional qualities?
And say, for instance, you dated someone who claimed to be successful, only to discover he or she was deeply in debt. Would that be a violation of “essential qualities” and grounds for divorce?
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When the new guy lives with the Ex
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My best friend is wild about her boyfriend. I’ve met him, and indeed he’s a wonderful person. It’s almost like he’s the male version of her as they share the same interests, giggle at the same things and are on similar career paths. He’s sweet and kind and makes her happier than I’ve seen her in years.
My problem with this? He lives with his ex-girlfriend. He dated this girl for several years, unhappily so, I’m told. When he met my friend, he ended his relationship, but is still living with the Ex apparently because he didn’t want to stick the girlfriend with the whole rent payment if he moves out. (Not sure why they both didn’t decided to break the lease and find someplace new.)
My friend doesn’t know if the Ex knows about her and says they don’t talk about it. He spends most of his time with my friend, even vacationing together. But “home” is still with the Ex until their lease expires.
My buddy, of course, acknowledges this isn’t ideal, but says it’s just the way it has to be until he can move out. I don’t think I could date someone who still lives with their former flame, regardless of the situation.
How many of you have found yourself in the shoes of my friend of her boyfriend? Is living with an Ex a deal breaker, or just the breaks?
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Green Flags!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When things are going really well with a new person, you almost have to fight off the nagging cynicism and doubts! It’s sad that we actually are so used to dating drama and disappointments that when things are actually good, we question it.
I think it’s good to stay positive and enjoy the person’s company. Focusing on the positive, instead of the negative, can make a big difference in your attitude. Why not savor the good stuff in the beginning?
We have all discussed red flags in dating, the stuff that makes you run for the hills. Today. let’s talk about the GREEN flags. The things that make you think, I see, I like, I want to know more! What are unique green flags that you personally consider a great sign of compatibility?
A Green flag for me: when the guy seems well-rounded. He likes all kinds of music, he reads frequently, and he is really into technology. I could go on all day, but what do you think are green flags for you? What are things you see in the person you are dating that makes you excited about the possibilities?
Do you think it’s harder to spot green flags then red flags?
Happy Friday!
Permalink | Comments (310) | Post your comment | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Dating: The Blind Taste Test
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I think it’s safe to say that about 90% of my dating misadventures are because I blindly trusted men that I shouldn’t have. I spent too much time with men I knew nothing about. Like many single people, it can be difficult to date character and personality instead of looks and chemistry. It’s not impossible, but it can be tricky.
I think that many “successful” daters will tell you that an important thing to do is pre-screening. When you don’t properly vet a potential candidate, you may find yourself next to someone with little substance - sorry, I know I have been watching too much political coverage!
When it comes to actually screening for character, scruples, morals, and values, a lot of us relax our standards, so to speak. We make excuses because they’re hot. We overlook behavior because the sex is great. Then when it all backfires on us, we are surprised.
Dating should not be like a blind taste test but sometimes it can feel that way! What are good ways to assess the character of a person you are dating? How do you pre-screen before you really let someone into your life?
Guys, do you ever ask yourself what qualities you really value in women? The stuff that goes beyond the physical, I mean. Do you invest significant effort and time in exploring things with women who possess what you truly value?
Ladies, the guys that you connect with intimately, do they reflect the type of men that you admire? Do you find yourself allowing the men of character a good shot, even if they don’t look like Brad Pitt or have Jay-Z’s money?
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No time for nice
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday, we talked about women taking the initiative to approach or ask a guy out. There were some pretty strong opinions for both sides of the argument. One thing that would certainly make it easier is when women actually seem approachable. The nice girls who are smiling and seem happy attract men but for how long?
We hear all the time that nice guys finish last, but does this ring true for women? It’s interesting how when I am nice to guys, they take my kindness for weakness. Then I have to show the feisty side when I am challenged. When this happens, why does this often turn the guy on more?
I don’t like acting like a witch, but I always find it interesting how I learn a lot about a guy when I do. Does the not so nice side seem to appeal more than the nice?
Do you think that when you date someone new, you go through a phase where you are seeing what kind of boundaries the person has?
Is it true that nice girls finish last? How do men interpret a nice girl’s behavior? Do they test her to see how nice she really is?
Ladies, do you find that being nice on the dating scene works best for you? Do you think being harsh with men is a defense tool to protect yourself? When do you use this tool? Does it work for you?
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Checkmate
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dating, like a game of chess, sometimes requires strategy, finesse, and a touch of precision. You generally want to be clear about who to make a move on and when to make that move. When I have approached men, I have noticed that some are surprised, and some are genuinely flattered. I can’t remember a time when a guy was turned off , so I wonder why women don’t approach men more?
Is it upsetting the natural order of things to ask a guy out? When a woman does a “cold approach” on a man, does he believe she is acting out of desperation?
Guys, do you like being approached first? Can you recall a time when a woman asked you out and you were turned off? What is the smoothest approach a woman has done on you? IF you notice a really beautiful woman in Atlanta, which would you prefer: her approach you or vice versa? Which one brings the bigger thrill: chase or getting caught?
Ladies, what is your history with asking men out? Has it worked for you or backfired on you? Do you feel uncomfortable with the idea of being the initiator? If you have ever asked a guy out, what was the most creative or unique way you pulled it off?
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Analyze This
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am no dating expert (I know, you’re shocked!), but one way I have managed to reduce a little romantic angst: put the dating microscope away. How many men have I placed under the man microscope? Sadly, too many.
The urge to analyze is driven by the need to know: How do they feel about me? Where is this going? Men and women can sometimes try to decipher each other in hopes of protecting themselves from mistakes. The problem with that? It.Does.Not.Work. Sure you can speculate a lot, but how well has that really worked for you so far?
I can remember a time when I would: recruit my girls to do full out recon on a potential mate, call post-date meetings and debrief about the date, and spend hours and hours waiting by the phone.
Can I tell you that I refer to those years the clueless era of my dating career? Talk about an exercise in futility! So to you, beloved Misadventures in Atlanta readers, a wise tip: stop trying to read men/women, pin point someone’s intentions, over analyze.
All you have to do is simply pay attention and take your time. That’s right, time reveals all - excuse me for sounding like an 80s song, but it’s true!
Personally, I don’t think any woman on the planet can say that analyzing her man, trying to read his mind, has actually resulted in a healthy, happy relationship with mutual respect. It ticks the guy off to be scrutinized so unnecessarily. They don’t like it and you (ok we!) are bad at it.
Guys, can you remember a time when you felt that the person you were dating were overyanalyzing you? What did they do or say? How could you tell? Do you think they did this because you were sending mixed messages? Or do you think this is typical female behavior? Do you have any advice for women to avoid this behavior?
Ladies, do you suffer from the man under the microscope syndrome? Is it hard for you to stop over-analyzing the men you date? Have you ever dated someone who seemed to over-analyze you? What did you do?
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Seeking your parents’ qualities in your mate?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We’ve all heard that many women seek men who remind them of their father. Likewise, men may want a woman who embodies characters of their mom.
In my case, sure — I want a guy who is hard-working, affable, successful and good; the basic qualities that describe Dad. I’ve also found myself judging a man by the most ridiculous things when they don’t jive with my dad’s skills. For one, when going on vacation, my dad can pack a trunk like it’s a Tetris game. Just leave your bags on the curb because he’s got it under control, and frankly, likes it that way. (I once had a guy help me load up my car by basically throwing things in a messy pile. I won’t lie - it made an impression, but not a good one. I kept seeing him anyway; it wasn’t That big of a deal.)
That said, I’m looking for someone vastly different than my Dad in other ways. I want a partner who is more curious about the world than my father, someone who maybe isn’t such a sporty “man’s man” and likes participating in philosophical debates or gardening. Still, my ideal man is like Dad where it counts most.
Do you find yourself judging your partner by your parents’ characteristics? Is it because that touch of home makes us feel better about the relationship potential? What of your parents’ qualities do you hope to find in a partner?
Happy Friday!
Permalink | Comments (163) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
If things are just “good,” do you keep searching for great?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s been awhile since I’ve dated a guy for more than a few months. By then, either the fella has shown his undesirable colors, we’ve gotten on eachother’s nerves or, more often than not, we just don’t have that intangible feeling of love I’m searching for.here’s the coding
I often find myself watching people who have dated for several years. I wonder if they’re together because they’re madly in love or have fallen into a pattern. Are things just “OK” between them and they stayed together because they never had a reason to break up? Or were they simply lucky?
At what point in a new relationship should you know if you want things to be long-term, or do you need to know at all? And if after a few months things are just “pleasant,” are you a fool to end it in search of red hot love?
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The wedding bell tolls…on your relationship?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A buddy called me last night worn out from three weekends of weddings. He’s in a serious relationship with a girl he’s dated for the past couple years, despite a couple breakups a year or so ago. Per usual, they faced the onslaught of tacky questions directed toward unmarried couples: “So are wedding bells in your future?”
Ugh.
Reminded me of my last serious relationship which lasted about two years. My boyfriend and I were already having trouble when we endured four weddings in one summer. We were a great “social” couple, meaning we typically had a great time at parties and made other people laugh, so I’m not surprised they asked us things like “So when’s it your turn?”
Little did they know we were hanging on by a thread. At one wedding, I was forced onto the dance floor during the bouquet toss. When the flowers came to me, I literally flung them away. Awkward.
Why is this on the brain? The fella I’m casually seeing (Manbattical? What manbattical?) has a friend getting married next month and I’m wondering if he’ll invite me. At this point, I’m OK with it either way. I think.
How many of you have found yourselves and your SO as the unmarried couple at a wedding? Have other people’s weddings put a strain on your own relationship? And how do you handle those pesky “when are you getting hitched?” questions?
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