Misadventures in Atlanta

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 9:07 AM | Link to this

Yeah sometimes you can settle into the old married couple routine while dating. That’s why the “nurturing” should be limited in dating. You shouldn’t be acting like wifey until you actually become wifey.

Another thing, when you give free range of your home to someone, don’t get your panties in a bunch when she starts redecorating the place.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone.

By DasV

September 22, 2008 9:16 AM | Link to this

raqi with that comment you setting us up for some serious ‘defending’ today: according to you, wifey = nagging. and that is soooo not the case and we know you dont think that. pls clarify

on topic my favorite incense is by nag champa. my husband said is was apropo. after giving it some thought i realized that i would frequently make comments, negative ones, one shyt that couldnt be helped or changed… thats nagging. it was that i thought it could be or refused to except that it couldnt, cause it went against who he was…. unfortunately all that came together after we hit the point of no return.

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 9:19 AM | Link to this

One of the biggest problems in any relationship married or not, is when caring is interpreted as nagging. And it actually can be nagging, but you can’t stop a person from caring. Especially when it comes to health and safety.

I know I come off as a nag at times when I worry about health and safety issues. But if you want to hate me for caring then do so because that’s just who I am. I care for the ones I love. If he would rather I didn’t care then I am not the right person for him.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

Hey everybody! Hope you guys had enjoyable weekends.

My mother is a nag, so I try to avoid doing that at all costs! There are times when I want something done, I tell dude…it doesn’t get done. Weeks later, I’ll issue a reminder, still nothing. After that, it just becomes a threat. “Either take care of ABC or XYZ will happen.” LOL. That usually works. And it’s often never mentioned again.

Hey, I tried to be nice. LOL

By Sky

September 22, 2008 9:37 AM | Link to this

Good Morning. Do u like guys like it when your SO cater to your every need or is that a turn off.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 9:40 AM | Link to this

How do you “threaten” someone your dating?

NBF, but I’m curious as to the reaction of this “man”.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 9:46 AM | Link to this

NBF, but I’m curious as to the reaction of this “man”.

LOL. The irony.

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this

Clarification: Residential makeovers, changing wardrobes, cooking 5 times a week, cleaning are for wifey. “Just girlfriend” should not be doing these things and definitely not “just dates”.

Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with picking out a nice shirt that you think would complement your love interest and an occasional home improvement suggestion has yet to kill anyone, but it shouldn’t go too far beyond that.

Before the nups, I would offer advice on how he should maybe change this or that, but no just going in and redecorating without his consent.

Being wife has nothing to do with being a nag.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this

Personally, I think that anytime I am coerced into having to define for another person the reasonable dictates of common sense and rationale intelligence in order for him/her to be in compliance with what natural order indicates behooves their best interest…then I have ventured into a co-dependent zone of hey-ale…that is what nagging and nuturing is to me…a co-dependent behavior…and thye are completly different from concern and compassion for another person’s best interest.

By lurker

September 22, 2008 9:58 AM | Link to this

MK Personally, I think that anytime I am coerced into having to define for another person the reasonable dictates of common sense and rationale intelligence in order for him/her to be in compliance with what natural order indicates behooves their best interest…then I have ventured into a co-dependent zone of hey-ale…that is what nagging and nuturing is to me…a co-dependent behavior…and thye are completly different from concern and compassion for another person’s best interest

why didn’t you just say, anytime I have to help you think when you should be able to do that on your own, then I’ve crossed the line from caring and concern to doing it for you….really a lot of words all dressed up? keep it simple

By NY2GA, Inc.

September 22, 2008 10:02 AM | Link to this

I just try to live by the saying “treat others the way you’d like to be treated.” If you’re catering to a person’s every need 24/7/365 then this is not nurturing, it is servitude. Moreover, by doing this you’re not living in the real world because nobody can get everything that they want all the time. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t. So, for me, if a dude wants service all the time then he should go on Kudzu to hire help. Shoot. Even Florence on the Jefferson’s got tired sometimes.

By abc

September 22, 2008 10:03 AM | Link to this

It’s not that big a deal to me. Redecorate if that’s what she wants to do. As far as my wardrobe goes, I’ll wear whatever she wants, within reason. I will not refrain from wearing what I want, though, whether she likes it or not, dating, married, whatever. I like old jerseys and jeans sometimes. Get over it.

I could forget how to cook. It’s as if I’m not allowed in the kitchen very much anymore. I don’t mind that either.

I like her fussing over me. Other chicks, I haven’t liked it one bit, but she can do it all she wants.

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 10:07 AM | Link to this

abc you are practically married, so yeah she can do all of that.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:09 AM | Link to this

@lurker

I will say it anyway I dayummm well please…so just keep lurking and shut up.

@Raqi

I think that you have stated very well how these boundaries should be assessed and drawn in the context of ppl who are relationship oriented.

By DasV

September 22, 2008 10:13 AM | Link to this

M’K top of the morning to you! you don’t have to dumb down for this blog… stay you. and although i see your point… we are not in the business of raising who we aint given birth to…. i still can appreciate raqi’s point. some ppl arent motivated to eat healthy or to exercise and if we can do that for them then we should. they may see it as pestering, but we do it because we want them in our lives longer than they would be eating like they do and not exercising.

i dont however think that concern ‘shows up’ on the wedding day… and if im spending a significant amount of time at his house, im going to clean and cook, cause thats what i’d be doing at home… its just what i do.

By i'm swiss

September 22, 2008 10:20 AM | Link to this

I’m a lot more receptive to “nagging” now that I used to be. If it hadn’t been for an ex of mine nagging me to go to the doctor, I could very well be dead now. Turned out I had cancer, but luckily it was caught early enough to be treated without any major difficulty.

Since then, I don’t mind being “nagged” much at all… ;-)

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:22 AM | Link to this

@DasV

Like i said, I think raqi is on point regarding ppl interested in pursuing relationships…no doubt…she is a very smart cookie…truly…and no doubt the concern and compassion that we have for any person is an evolutionary process…ohterwise, what is the basis for the relationship????…it should develop naturally from the time shared with another…relationships evolve from sharing oneself with another…if I care about someone, then of course I care about that person’s best interest…however I may express that concern.

By just saying

September 22, 2008 10:24 AM | Link to this

This is a weak topic WD I’ve come to expect so much more from you, so I’m so disappointed. How do you let Blanca come into your house and shut you down? Damn

Blanca was on point all last week. WD, step your game up girlie or we’re gonna have to vote you out of office. It’s time for a new administration

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this

Good way of looking at it i’m swiss. Most nagging is done for a reason, and if it doesn’t fall upon deaf ears usually is justified!

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

Nurturing or Nagging? How about sometimes the nurturer is really only doing it out of insecurity, which very quickly turns into a nag situation, which will quickly cause a dude to lace up the AirMaxes and roll out.

So yes, we like a woman to care for, be concerned about, and even from time to time, cater to us… but please don’t over-dose us.

I will say it anyway I dayummm well please…so just keep lurking and shut up.

Dayum Mak. Why you always gotta get that funky e’ry time somebody says something to you. Come on slim, you ain’t gotta be nasty about it…

Dan NBF, but I’m curious as to the reaction of this “man”.

I’m curious myself.

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 10:30 AM | Link to this

Morning folks.

Women taught me what thread count is (and why 300 is not good) what a pillow top mattress is (my previous mattress was one step above a concrete slab) how to cook, use fragrant candles, how to use nice artwork (Charles Bibbs, etc) to dress up the house, put out fresh flowers (tho I’m to lazy to do it regularly) and on and on. If a woman brings good information on any topic I’m more than willing to listen. Btw, a chick even taught me the different levels of down comforters warmth( alot to remember).

I EXPECT a woman to take care of me and introduce me to another thought process, otherwise otherwise I’d date men and sit around playing playstaion all day.? It’s not what she brings but how she brings it.

On nagging, its looked at negatively and will be squashed immediately. My temper won’t take it. Ultimately it shows she cant control herself and thats not a good thing.

Btw, I can dress myself and very well so no help needed there.

Some chicks can get away with more because they bring more to the table.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:30 AM | Link to this

@i’m swiss

Now, I do not think that is nagging at all…obviously she saw something in your daily routine that caused some sort of concern…to which you were oblivious or not as greatly concerned (we all do this to some degree about something)…she was insistent and persistent out of this concern…that is not nagging…to me nagging has a more inherently negative connotation, and it is also inherently futile.

By Rell - Ared Club President

September 22, 2008 10:31 AM | Link to this

i dont understand nag…lol

women are never pleased..there is something always to be done…once men figure that out..then the nagging will stop or you will not worry about it..plus its never about the women its about the man..do you and she will follow

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 10:32 AM | Link to this

Blanca was on point all last week. WD, step your game up girlie or we’re gonna have to vote you out of office. It’s time for a new administration

I just want to know who Just Saying is for real. Demask! LOL

By Dan

September 22, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

@Amazon Red

Really, I’m just asking how you would consider threatening someone that you care about. With what?

Would you withhold love, or sex, or conversation becuase something wasn’t done your way.

By i'm swiss

September 22, 2008 10:42 AM | Link to this

@m’karyl — True. I guess that’s why I don’t mind it. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone who’s gotten on my case about insignificant BS — it’s always been something with my best interest at heart, even if I didn’t always want to hear it.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:43 AM | Link to this

@Truth

I think that anyone with whom we are involved should be able to bring assets to the table that contribute to our personal grwoth and development…that is what caring, concern and compassion do…they do not change a person per se…but rather enhance the person’s awarenes…that is a good thing…and for you to be aware of and acknowledge such (without changing your own defined boundaries of identity) says a lot about the character of not only your manhood, but also your personhood.

By DasV

September 22, 2008 10:43 AM | Link to this

bluK LOL… i think you are right. ppl who nag are insecure. i know i was… cause we werent doing all that well financially and i felt this uncontrolled urge to let him know every chance i got. sweetie can you pass the salt?.. sure, but dont use too much. we can afford to buy more i had anxiety about tomorrow and it showed.

theTruth someone up your game isnt nagging in my opinion. its what we are suppose to do for each other. but someone concerning themselves with what cant be changed or isnt going to be changed is nagging.

m’k oh. my badd. i thought you were saying that if you have to articulate the obvious to get someone to do for themselves then its co-dependency. maybe you should dumb-down cause i totally misunderstood that LOL

By alegion

September 22, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this

I think most nagging occurs because the two people have different expectations on how fast something needs to be done. My wife may ask me to change a lightbulb which in my mind is not critical to do that day but maybe later in the week when I feel like it. When my wife sees it’s not done the day after she asks she has to “nag” me to do it.

A lot of it also involves how you say it to make a nag.

By MLL

September 22, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this

Ladies, have you ever dated a guy and took your nurturing a bit too far? I guess nagging at some point is good but not to the extreme. Everygbody can stand a little push every now and then but continually yelling it in my ear will get me in the black zone. I can’t say I never nagged but he might say otherwise…I don’t like nagging nor do I like a man who nags the heck out of me over everything I do or don’t do.

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this

to me nagging has a more inherently negative connotation, and it is also inherently futile

I agree. IMO true nagging is accompanied by complaining and just negativity all the way around. And usually is done for no good reason at all other than to be a nag and complainer.

By Wise Diva

September 22, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this

Alrighty then, Duly noted Just saying, thanks :/

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:53 AM | Link to this

@DasV

LOL..now sug…but if I do have to articulate the obvious to the unaware…well, then that is my first clue that something of a codependent issue is in the airwaves…

@i’m swiss

Sometimes we take ourselves for granted…our mortality, our well-being…and it may take the objective eye of someone who cares for us to make us aware of what we choose to not see or acknowledge…that is why it is good to have someone who does have our best interest at heart…it is a very human trait…our ability to not see the obvious…masking our fears, doubts, whatever…somethings we would rather not face or even face alone…stuff like that, from the mundane and simple to the serious and severe…I think, if I am not mistaken…that is what LOVE is all about…ya’ know.

By mon

September 22, 2008 10:54 AM | Link to this

@GUYS-Do or would u guys really put up with this (it doesn’t get done. Weeks later, I’ll issue a reminder, still nothing. After that, it just becomes a threat. “Either take care of ABC or XYZ will happen.” )I mean I would have to think u would have to be a pretty weak man if you did, & weakness to me is a turn off, but to each his own.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:55 AM | Link to this

I agree. IMO true nagging is accompanied by complaining and just negativity all the way around. And usually is done for no good reason at all other than to be a nag and complainer.

I told you Raqi is a smart cookie…lol

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 10:55 AM | Link to this

Dan, good grief.

A scenario: Your co-worker comes to you and asks if you can help with a report. You say “sure no prob, I’ll have my part done by Wednesday.” Wednesday comes and goes, you didn’t do it. On Friday, he asks again. It’s still not done.

A couple weeks later, you still haven’t done it.

Your co-worker is now really irratated. If you weren’t gonna be able to help, why say you would? You co-worker says he’s gonna let your boss know how you blew him off. Then all of the sudden you make good on your word.

Maybe being a “man” is honoring your word. And maybe it’s also admitting that you were wrong to leave your coworker hanging in the first place.

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 10:55 AM | Link to this

Das alot of chicks haven’t upped their game enough to up my game, so to me its nagging. Bring me some good info and I’ll listen. Keep telling me about Alegion’s lightbulb and we’re going to have problems. At a certain point no matter what the issue if your delivery is flawed your message cant be received.

Later I’ll share some thoughts I had while hanging out with two young(30’s) couples this weekend. A lightbulb went off in my head, which is difficult because there’s alot of cobwebs in there.

Rell “do you and she will follow”. Gospel. 100% co-sign and pull the curtains.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this

Nurturing: ring… ring… Hey baby, we were on the phone pretty late last night and I just wanted to make sure you got up in time.

Naggin’: ring… ring… Hey baby, you up? Make sure you call me at lunch today.

Nurturing: lunchtime call Hey baby, how are you doing today?

Naggin’: same lunchtime call Why didn’t you call me this morning?

Nuturing: Saturday morning… Baby, would you do me a favor and take care of blah blah…?

Nagging’: When the game is on… Baby, would you do me a favor and take care of blah blah…?

Nurturing: Baby, I picked up this hanging spider plant for you today. You know plants are good for the psyche.

Naggin’: You know, I took down your lucky horseshoe today. It just didn’t look right in here. …now looking at chick sideways, because it’s been looking alright in here to me for the last 10 years.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

alegion Well dang, if the room was dark, why not just change the lightbulb so your family can see? I guess this is what I don’t quite understand about “how fast something needs to be done”. I can see if the light isn’t burned out yet and somebody says “I calculated the number of hours that this light bulb is supposed to last vs. how long its been in there and we only have 5 hours left, so you need to change it now”. But if the light is already out, apparently the time to change it is now.

I was in a relationship with a man for about 5 months at the time I bought my first house. Because it was a resale, I bought new locks to install. That stuff needs to be taken care of rather quickly, esp in this case because it used to be a rental and the previous renters had been put out. Anyway, I asked him to do it, thinking he understood why a single woman living alone should have locks changed, and apparently we disagreed about “how fast it needed to be done”. I didn’t want to nag him, but I asked him again to do it the next day. After three days, I saw he wasn’t on my safety timeline and I did it myself. Of course, he was there while I was doing the installation and said “Why are you doing that? I said I would do it.” I don’t think I even opened my mouth. He had several days to do it, but he thought that sitting on the couch watching TV and reading the paper was a better use of his time. Until I started doing it for myself, then he wanted to take over.

By Binford2K8

September 22, 2008 11:02 AM | Link to this

Remember, nagging can go both ways.

So if my lady nags me about something trivial, I’ll nag her to go to the adult store and pick out the biggest possible device for her - you know, the ones that say “for novelty use only”. Cause it’d be novel if that thing could actually fit anywhere. Then I’ll nag her as to why she ain’t using it.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 11:06 AM | Link to this

Nurturing: ring… ring… Hey baby, we were on the phone pretty late last night and I just wanted to make sure you got up in time.

Naggin’: ring… ring… Hey baby, you up? Make sure you call me at lunch today.

Nurturing: lunchtime call Hey baby, how are you doing today?

Naggin’: same lunchtime call Why didn’t you call me this morning?

Nuturing: Saturday morning… Baby, would you do me a favor and take care of blah blah…?

Nagging’: When the game is on… Baby, would you do me a favor and take care of blah blah…?

Nurturing: Baby, I picked up this hanging spider plant for you today. You know plants are good for the psyche.

Naggin’: You know, I took down your lucky horseshoe today. It just didn’t look right in here. …now looking at chick sideways, because it’s been looking alright in here to me for the last 10 years.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

@ARed

If a coworker asks me to do something that I say yes too; he/she will be told in that moment that there is a queue. “Your request will be taken care of in order of priority and necessity.”

If after two weeks I haven’t completed my part, tough. Be more proactive with your work. I’m assisting you in a matter, not finishing up your work ahead of mine.

In the case of my SO, it depends on what it is. A bill that needs to be paid -got it right then. Something that if not fixed could lead to a larger problem - got it, maybe not right then but I got it. Something like painting the house - it’ll get done.

My thing is, what is a priority to me in a relationship, I’ll handle, I don’t delegate my needs. With something that my SO wants done, that has to be considered according to import.

And if I’m not married, a threat is a promise. And the woman that threatens me about anything will have to prove to be a woman of her word.

@Mon

Some men get ran in life, some men lead, and some have no clue.

I’mma always do me the way I want to, if you sign up to be on the team, glad to have you.

But I get the whistle, I call the plays and I get the big piece of chicken.

By i'm swiss

September 22, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

@m’karyl — Awww… That was just too d@mn sweet for this blog. I’m gonna have to go catch up w/ my fiance @ lunch and give her a big hug, a kiss & a booty squeeze. ;-) LOL

By MLL

September 22, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

If you’re dating and you’re constantly nagging obviously the person you’re with is NOT the right person for you. However there are some folks who are just outright complainers..Never happy about a darn thing.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

In all fairness, I can understand Ared’s point…if a person willfully gives you his/her word that something will be done…and then fails to act accordingly, then it can be very frustrating…and if the only way that person will subsequently initiate the action is with some stated consequence…that could be said to be threatening a recourse action…like dealing with the *Pavlov Dog Theory”…but I would be like *Foots”…just get up and get it done myself…I have learned that some ppl have this type of behavior as a control/response issue…tehy anticipate a certain response depending on who is in control of the desired/requested action.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

Dan What about taking care of something your SO needs just because it’s important to her? Are you the type of man who would attend to her needs even if you didn’t find it all that important to you?

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

Dan, yeah you sound real manly.

Bottom line, if you tell your SO you’d take care of something, you should do it. Or tell her she’s on her own with it period.

That should go with anything you say you are gonna do, work or otherwise.

As always, “do you.” If the way you handle business works for you, so be it. But since it was my answer, I expect the people in my life to do the things they say they are gonna do, once they commit to it. And they get the same from me in return.

By MLL

September 22, 2008 11:15 AM | Link to this

Foots dude was pure lazy…caring about your safty should have been his number 1 concern.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this

Foots I guess this is what I don’t quite understand about “how fast something needs to be done”.

Repetitiously bringing attention to matter of safety is not nagging. It’s about priority, and safety is of course very close to hot-button.

If it were me in your house scenario, we would’ve had the new locks and screwdrivers sitting on the back seat on our way to the closing table.

The only reason that we’d need the old key would be to get in to change the locks without having to break a window or bust down the door.

By MLL

September 22, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this

BK some ppl are slick with it too they can be a nurturing nag LOL

By MELO

September 22, 2008 11:22 AM | Link to this

Some chicks can get away with more because they bring more to the table i agree with that,although i must say,that also depends on how u feeling that woman.Some have good intentions like everybody else,but if u dont feel her that strongly,u will view her good intentions as a nag.Some chics will just rush to want to change and mark territory in your house.These are the insecure ones.You need to move a lil slowly and listen and watch the guy’s leads.His non-verbal communication is what u need to pay attention to,otherwise its easy to nag..

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 11:23 AM | Link to this

If you’re dating and you’re constantly nagging obviously the person you’re with is NOT the right person for you. However there are some folks who are just outright complainers..Never happy about a darn thing

That is so true…and then there are the ppl whose behaviors will force you to become what appears to be a nag or a complainer…contrary acting arses…either way, I am not down for the game…if I have to exude negative behaviors in order to be with someone, then I am out and a fork can be stuck in their arse…some ppl just like to feed on emotionally negative behaviors…and everything they do encourages that type of response from another person…and no amount of patience, reasoning, or rationale articulation can convey a lack of desire to deal on that level.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

@Foots and ARed

Ladies, what I’m saying is that a lightbulb, something small, insignificant and not likely to destroy the property value, you can handle.

If it’s something that needs to be done or it will affect your life, of course, I’m on it.

The difference between those two types of problems is as wide as the grand canyon.

I like to think about what I can get done and how to do it, before asking for help. And even then if it’s something trivial, I may not even bring it up.

And being a man or woman of your word is a zero - sum proposition, you are or you are not. Simple, plain, easy.

What I think we’re getting crossed up on is timeframe. Becuase I don’t do something in your timeframe does not mean it won’t get done. If there is an actual deadline (not an artificial one like “my homegirls are coming over this needs to be done to make the house look nice”) then let me know, and I will have it completed by the deadline - meaning that it was important.

But those requests for deadline specific tasks should be few and far between. In 2008, as an adult, if you not handling your responsibilities - I’m looking at you sideways.

Helpmate means just that - help. Not take over tasks that I don’t want to do.

JMPO

By Wise Diva

September 22, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Binford, way to flip the script, that’s brilliant

By MELO

September 22, 2008 11:27 AM | Link to this

Some chicks can get away with more because they bring more to the table i agree with that,although i must say,that also depends on how u feeling that woman.Some have good intentions like everybody else,but if u dont feel her that strongly,u will view her good intentions as a nag.Some chics will just rush to want to change and mark territory in your house.These are the insecure ones.You need to move a lil slowly and listen and watch the guy’s leads.His non-verbal communication is what u need to pay attention to,otherwise its easy to fall in the nag category.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this

What I think we’re getting crossed up on is timeframe. Becuase I don’t do something in your timeframe does not mean it won’t get done.

No, Dan, it’s not my timeframe. My SO told me he’d take care of X by a certain time. When he doesn’t honor that, I have the right to speak my mind on it.

If it was a consitant problem, I’d move on. But every once in a while, we may have this discussion because you said you were gonna do something and you didn’t. And I’m not wrong for it either.

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 11:31 AM | Link to this

Good Morning People Never been much of a nag because if I have to ask more than once, I’m going to plan B to get it done. This is in the realm of helping me do something around the house. If I talk with you about something I’m not getting in the relationship, then I expect us to come to a mutual understanding. If them problem persists, I’m only going to readdress the issue once more. After that, I’m going to assume that my concerns are non of yours and act accordingly.

By DasV

September 22, 2008 11:32 AM | Link to this

theTruth im sorry you havent found someone worthy of all your ‘goodness’. :) and yea i know… no matter how important: “dammit, how many times im gonna have to tell you to take care of such-n-such ‘fo you do it??” does NOT cut it…. ever

bluK love the scenarios… got me laughing this morning.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

Just thinking about it, I had several problems with that ex and that house. When I bought the house, it was August and there were still a few months left in the grass growing season. I got the yard cut twice by a service, but they were charging $40 for a yard that took all of 45 minutes to cut. I decided that I needed a lawn mower.

I asked him to go with me to pick out one and to help me put it in the car since it was heavy. After three weeks, my yard looked like the field of dreams, so I took myself to Home Depot to get my own dayum lawn mower. I couldn’t lift the box, so somebody put it in the buggy, but no one took it to the car. I struggled with that thing in the parking lot, but I got it in car finally. I took it home and realized that I couldn’t take it out unless I did it piece by piece, so that’s what I did. I put it together, bought a gas can, and practiced starting it by myself.

When he came over and saw I had one and that it was put together and running, of course he said “Why did you go get it by yourself? I said I would go with you. How did you get it home?” I may have hurt my back, but I got the job done.

It was even worse when it came time to actually cut the grass. I asked him to do it several times to no avail, so I went out to do it myself. He was so embarrassed that he came out and offered to take over.

That’s what I mean about doing something just because your SO thinks it’s important. It wasn’t his house, so it wasn’t something that he truly cared about. But I felt like that if he truly cared about me, then he would take care of my needs.

One of the reasons why I’m so handy around the house and yard is because I’ve had to do everything. After the fact, I always have heard “Why didn’t you let me do that? I could have helped.” The simple answer is, because I would have asked, you would have given your word to do it, I still would have had to do it myself, plus I would have lost two weeks in the meantime.

My needs are few and I’m very reasonable about someone’s time. If a man wants me to need him (cause dudes always say that women always talk about how they don’t need a man), then he has to understand that sometimes, MY needs will work outside of his and outside of his timeline. Now, I CAN take care of everything myself all the time. Hell, I learned how to use a brick set this summer and most guys don’t even know what that is. But is that REALLY what a man wants? To have his woman do everything herself and he’s there?

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 11:38 AM | Link to this

Dan Helpmate means just that - help. Not take over tasks that I don’t want to do.

“jewel” ^^^

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:38 AM | Link to this

@ARed

But we’re talking about nagging, mentioning to someone that “you said you’d do this by date X, but you haven’t done it” is not nagging, unless you have to repeat that phrase more than twice.

But if you ask your SO to do something, they say yes, and it doesn’t get done for any reason other than an act of God…then your might wanna check on that.

One thing that I cannot tolerate in life is a person that cannot be trusted…I just don’t need you around me.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:39 AM | Link to this

My needs are few and I’m very reasonable about someone’s time.

Foots, I feel the same way. In addition, I hate asking for help and I like fixing things (remember, I got my own drill at 23). I don’t want you to take care of things that I pay for. Beau checks my car out voluntarily because he cares about my safety, but it is very rare that I depend on him for anything.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 11:39 AM | Link to this

Foots I can piggyback on what you just said, but won’t. I feel you on the lock thing. I too had to change my own because his timeframe didn’t jive w/mine and it was all about safety and my level of comfort.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 11:40 AM | Link to this

Amazon My SO told me he’d take care of X by a certain time. When he doesn’t honor that, I have the right to speak my mind on it.

To avoid nagging, we might need to start setting up tasks like SMART goals at work:

S Specific, M Measurable, A Attainable, R Realistic, T Timeframe.

I thoroughly agree, if someone says they are going to do something, they should do it. If they have a problem completing a task by a certain timeline, they should respect the need enough to say so, so that the person with the need can find another way to solve the problem.

And you know what, it’s even okay to say NO. Don’t even say yes if you have no intention on doing it or if you can’t see the importance of it. That’s better to me than not honoring your word.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:42 AM | Link to this

But we’re talking about nagging

Dan No, we aren’t. My post was not about that.

But if you ask your SO to do something, they say yes, and it doesn’t get done for any reason other than an act of God…then your might wanna check on that.

THAT is what my post was about. Funny how that works.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:44 AM | Link to this

@Foots

You’re talking about a buster. Period. You’re no longer with him, right?

Time reveals the nature of a man or woman. Not just spending time with them, but viewing their actions. If this person has a lot of people in life depending on them for physical or emotional needs, then chances are the people in their lives feel like they can be trusted with that responsibility.

But when little stuff, like you keep leaving an increasing amount of clothes at the house or me not cutting the grass, becomes a problem, the problem is not the action or inaction, the problem is how that person feels about your needs.

Now based on the convo a while back, Footsy if I was gettin’ it from you like you talk…I’da been out there buttnekked at midnight under a half moon running the lawn mower “Cufk the nieghbors!”

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this

@Foots

The scenario that you described is what I define as the control/response behavior game…some ppl seem to believe that it defines who is in control of the relationship by their repsonse to any request/desire of the other person…person A ask person B to assist with something….person B agrees to do so for person A…sometime passes and person B has not initiated the action to complete the request…person A then has to either continue waiting, bring it up again or do it…in any case person B’s response is to always find away to make person A responsible for the subsequent actions…uh-huh.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this

And you know what, it’s even okay to say NO. Don’t even say yes if you have no intention on doing it or if you can’t see the importance of it.

Foots, exactly! I have no problem saying “no,” and feel free to tell me “no” as well. I’d rather that than to be left hanging.

By Beautiful

September 22, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

someone said on here awhile ago act as if. i agree 100%. while in a committed relationship, if you are given total access … act as if. and if you’re a nag, you’ll know sooner or later. don’t worry bout it so much. things will fall into place.

hi ev1!

By Rell - Ared Club President

September 22, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

@truth..so what you come up with from hanging with the couples….you need to spill it before this topic spirals into he versus she

look i have been guilty of being lazy and not getting ish done when i should have….but after a couple of times letting ish slide and having it come back to bite me..now i notice before asked or if asked i do it right away…either she is incapable at the time or just being lazy..either way it has to get done or behavior corrected….sometimes as an adult you should be asking yourself question or just overall daily maintanence on your direction in life..if another adult is in your arse about something then you need to look into…if you dont then you just being shelfish…grow up folks….that is all…and her changing or spurcing up my place or my wardrobe is not nagging…its call sharing what i like dont like with you..if it fits cool…if not then its not a good match..hell men should be doing the same with there women..because remember when she is not with you she represents you….so again if folks complaining about being nagged then there is no room for growth…feel me

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

Foots It wasn’t his house, so it wasn’t something that he truly cared about. But I felt like that if he truly cared about me, then he would take care of my needs.

See…? Dude didn’t want to step on your independence. LOL But seriously, I have to wonder if you’re walking around with your chest aired up, talkin’ ‘bout you “don’t need no man.”

Hell, I learned how to use a brick set this summer and most guys don’t even know what that is.

I’m handy as hayo, and I don’t know what that is. Tell me before I go and google it.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 11:47 AM | Link to this

May I change the subject for one minute. Having a debate on the definition of a “Cougar”. I thought it was a woman 40+ aging well. A female friend said it was an old lady dating younger men. I disagree. Which one is it?

By Limbo

September 22, 2008 11:48 AM | Link to this

What do you think constitutes a nurturing woman?

A nurturing woman is one who knows that nothing can ensure her happiness and nothing can destroy it either.

What makes one a nag?

The tendency to judge men’s performance: Did he cut the glass? Did he change the light bulb?

Do you think that women should give constructive criticism to the men they date?

No, they should only ask what they want. Criticism or negativism is not allowed.

How do you handle dating a nurturing woman?

A nurturing woman can handle her own.

How do you handle a nagging one?

Dump her.

Do you think dating relationships often blur the line between nurture and nag, like you two are an old married couple? How do you handle that?

The very concealed truth about mating (a.k.a relationship in modern culture) is that females take all mating decisions; men are just props women use to fulfill their fantasies. So the contrast between nagging and nurturing is just some more b.s that human females use to try to justify their mating decisions. Trust me; females are as confused about their mating decisions – it just does not make sense to them. Knowing that you are an imperfect human at the same time trying to keep the image of the gender that the society consider “innocent” is not an easy task. Maybe trying to nurture grown up men would keep the image intact; in case that won’t do…..call it nagging i.e. we tried and failed because we just tried too much…..

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 11:51 AM | Link to this

Foots ^^^5 your 11:34 post. I went through the same thing. I learned that a lot men nowadays aren’t going to do it unles they’re getting paid or they feel bad that a woman is doing something they feel like they should be doing. My last SO got angry because my dad and a friend of his came over to help me with a large yard project. Sometbing I had asked him to help me out with over a month prior. I told he had one of two choices. He can either get his a$$ out there and help them or get the steppin’.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:52 AM | Link to this

..either way it has to get done or behavior corrected….sometimes as an adult you should be asking yourself question or just overall daily maintanence on your direction in life..if another adult is in your arse about something then you need to look into…if you dont then you just being shelfish…grow up folks….that is all

Rell, I love it great post. I’m tired of all the unnecessary “battles” that exist between men and women.

You tell us that we shouldn’t flaunt our “independence” but then show us you can’t be “depeneded” on. Where does it end.

If I ask you do something, it’s because I respect you and think you can handle business. It’s certainly not a task mean to emasculate you.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:53 AM | Link to this

A female friend said it was an old lady dating younger men

Leggs, that’s what I understand it to be. Though it represents a “HOT” older woman, who sets her sights on younger men.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:56 AM | Link to this

Ya’ll keep talking like these former SO’s are cumlative of the male experience….

Remember, you broke up with him for a reason….

And I doubt that it had less to do with the trivial and more to do with trust, respect, and love issues.

But that’s them dudes…

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 11:56 AM | Link to this

Foots the dudes actions were a symptom of a larger problem. That incident may have happened when you were in phaseout mode. Meaning he was already through with it but would hang around as long as you were on all 4’s. Kind of like a chick hanging around as long as ol boys still spending cash. Btw, how’d that thing end? LOL

Das it’s not a matter of being worthy but I’m not some uninformed, not able to handle business kind of guy. If I was I would have taken the first thing coming down the pike.

Ladies, security needs are not a major issue for guys so depending on how much experience he has with women he may not see the importance. It may SEEM obvious but for many guys its not. Thats why they walk out the house and leave the door unlocked. Either that or they have a large insurance policy on you and just read about the higher home invasion rates in the area. LOL

By For Real

September 22, 2008 11:56 AM | Link to this

nagging happens due to poor communication skills by women. example:

Chick: Hey baby do you mind getting my insert something totally useless when you get a chance?

Dude: No problem baby.

What Chick really ment was:

Chick: I need my insert something totally useless right now but i’m too lazy to go get for myself and besides you ain’t doing nothing important and i’m on the phone with my mamma, my sister, and my girlfriend plus i’m thinking about doing my nails and what i will wear to work on Monday even tho today is Saturday and I just realized i don’t have a pair of shoes to go with the outfit i’m thinking about wearing on Monday and besides you just sitting there watching dayummm football while i’m doing all the work around the house.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 12:01 PM | Link to this

Alrighty then. Trying to figure out why AJC won’t accept my picture. I did put on my caption “Proud to be a Cougar”. However, what the meaning seems to be is not what I was trying to convey. I’ll have to send pic in with a different caption. Thanks.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 12:02 PM | Link to this

@Leggs

i am withARed* on the definition of a cougar…thought it meant the same thing…wha do they call a man in the same scenario…a maverick????

@ARed

I’m tired of all the unnecessary “battles” that exist between men and women

Yeah, it gets old and tired very quickly…I am a human being with a complete backstory of life experiences…not a gender object.

You tell us that we shouldn’t flaunt our “independence” but then show us you can’t be “depeneded” on. Where does it end.

I have been told on numerous occassions that I am too independent…but if I allow myself the luxury of believing that I can rely on another person’s support…well, give me CPR or call me DOA…and does it end…yes, when I finally little red henned my arse down the road…lol

By For Real

September 22, 2008 12:04 PM | Link to this

Foots: For Real will you….

For Real: No.

Foots: But you don’t know what I was going to ask.

For Real: No.

Foots: All I was gon ask is if…

For Real: No.

Foots: That is so rude. You don’t even know what I want. How can you say No?

For Real: NO.

Foots: Why? I could be asking you to do something freaky.

For Real: Women only ask men to things they themselves do not want to do. Oh and why can’t you take the trash out sometimes?

By Poppa Grande

September 22, 2008 12:05 PM | Link to this

AR

You tell us that we shouldn’t flaunt our “independence” but then show us you can’t be “depeneded” on. Where does it end.

It ends when you meet the right one. Laziness or selfishness is a trait that is easy cover up a first, but when the representative leaves and the real person emerges you see those traits.

It is not a male v. female things either. Trifling people come in both genders, all races, national origins and creeds.

Unfortunately, in this climate of entitlement that is out there, we all run into people whose word isn’t worth the dog poop that was on the bottom of my shoe this morning.

It is not all about the other person. These experiences are what teach you about yourself and what you will not put up with.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 12:05 PM | Link to this

Dan You’re talking about a buster. Period. You’re no longer with him, right?

No, I’m not. We were both young, I was 23 at the time. I realized that he was doing what m’karyl just described. It was a battle of wills with us and I ended up walking away rather than fight.

For what it’s worth, he’s still my friend but he’s very different. Eight years serves to mature a person somewhat. He’s been there when I needed his help on some major stuff because he has a pickup truck (moving, trimming tree branches, moving dirt). It’s so much better now that we’re older and NOT together.

And yeah, you wouldn’t have had the energy to cut the yard at midnight. I puts em to sleep. LOL!

Blue I have to wonder if you’re walking around with your chest aired up, talkin’ ‘bout you “don’t need no man.”

I have never said that. Ever. But what I do experience is when guys see that you do a lot for yourself, they tend to TELL you that you don’t need a man. I’m sure plenty of the ladies have heard “You seem to have everything under control, why you need a man?” I give my usual spiel, but time has also helped me realize that once a man has said this, it’s over anyway. A real man knows how to get in where he fits in, not bemoan the fact that he may not be needed to pay the mortgage, change a lightbulb, hang a light fixture (I can wire too) or reprogram the garage door opener like his last girlfriend needed him to do.

A brick set is a pretty primitive metal tool used to cut brick. When my BIL and I were laying brick for my grill pad this summer, I found out that nobody cuts brick for you around here. I had to figure out how to do it. You have to use with a sledge hammer. Ouch.

Rell I feel your post.

Sorry for the novels, I must have needed to get something off my chest. LOL!

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 12:06 PM | Link to this

Hey baby do you mind getting my insert something totally useless when you get a chance?

For Real, I’m confused where this “totally useless” part is coming from. From the examples presented on here today, would you say the requests were totally useless?

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 12:07 PM | Link to this

Atl Lady I told he had one of two choices. He can either get his a$$ out there and help them or get the steppin’.

On the initial: I’ll get to it when I can, and any broad threatening me like that is through. At that point I could give less than a dayum about your yard.

Now how important was this project and what else did this dude have on his place? Is your dad retired with all kinds of time on his hands? Is dad only too happy to come over and do some work, just to get away from your naggin’ azz mom?

See… there’s all kinds of questions to be asked here, but for no reason are you gon’ give me some ultimatum and get a positive response out of me, or most other dudes.

Last Questions: Did dude get his azz outside and help out or did he get’ah steppin’? And if he helped out, did you gain/lose respect for him as a man?

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 12:10 PM | Link to this

Leggs I thought a Cougar was defined a woman over 40 who is independent and just so happen to be dating a younger man. She fits a specific profile. Usually she has her own house, money, car, etc. The guy is usually a professional as well. Some people try and confuse that with craddle robber. That’s a person who is just into a younger man period.

By i'm swiss

September 22, 2008 12:12 PM | Link to this

@Leggs — RE: “Cougar”… I’ve always heard the term in reference to an older woman chasing younger men.

By MLL

September 22, 2008 12:12 PM | Link to this

Leggs it’s an older woman dating a younger man…

By Rell - Ared Club President

September 22, 2008 12:15 PM | Link to this

@ared….cosign your 11:52

tired is not the word…its like ARE YOU PEOPLE REAL..do you think that you CANT improve or have someone you swapping fluids with tell you something…thats not REAL..what is real…is that the trash needs to be on the curb…light bulbs need to be changed…house cleaned..cars maintained…etc etc…it cost to be the boss…and that includes TIME and MONEY….so before she nags or ask..do it yourself or how about this…hey bab i am going to handle XYZ and i need for you to handle ABC while i am busy doing this…or just have enough dayum common sense to see it for yourself..problem with men is that when we finally get with that chick that treats us right….we somehow relate them to mama and start letting them take over and TELL US what to do…at that point you not in control anymore..look i could go on with this but the bottom line is if you know why your women is upset and you do nothing to correct it then you not the man..period dot

By Beautiful

September 22, 2008 12:15 PM | Link to this

RW and i went to see the movie with samuel l. and it was pretty good. going to see when a fam prays together thurs. anyone get a chance to catch this one yet?

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 12:17 PM | Link to this

@Poppa G

You are right…it is not a genderized behavior…we tend to genderize it…but it is a human fallacy in ppl…I know women who can act the same way…control/response…a game all the same.

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 12:21 PM | Link to this

Hi all,

Foots that dude was just lazy..glad you let em go.

Men nag too as a way to control…especially if you say you’re going to do something that doesn’t include them…he inserts useless want here that just so happens needs to be done at said time you’ll be with your girlfriends…

Chick: babe me and the girls are going to hang out Saturday.

Dude: I thought you were going to help me organize my underwear drawer. I know you told me a while back that i need to go through and throw away all the holey draws…

chick now with the boo-boo face

Chick: baby, i told you that 3 years ago.

Scenario #2

Chick: babe, i’m about to leave now to head to Tiff’s birthday night.

Dude: You going out tonight?

Chick: yeah babe. I been talking about this all week, remember?

Dude: well I figured we’d get up early and go to church in the morning.

Chick: Go to church? Babe, you never want to go to church cuz of football.

Dude: I know. but what better day to start than this weekend, right?

Chick now handing dude a notepad..

Chick: take notes for me babes. I’ll be back late. Love ya!

By Foots

September 22, 2008 12:26 PM | Link to this

Truth Nah, he was just lazy. Our problems started when I bought the house and needed his help on a few things. When his house was finished, he understood that it takes a while to get things running and it was good to have help.

Amazon If I ask you do something, it’s because I respect you and think you can handle business.

Exactly. It can be a little confusing to hear “Y’all too independent, you don’t need no help” then hear “Why you asking me for help? Why you can’t take care of it yourself?”

Big Poppa is right. It does end when you meet the right person. I don’t seem to have those kinds of battles with this one. I think he’s flattered when I ask for his help, because he knows that I am the type that can do it myself but that I trust him to take care of it.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 12:28 PM | Link to this

@Foots

Well, that’s what they all say… has been tried and never successful, but you got your man…put it on him. I train for ish like that…

As far as lazy, I don’t think it’s laziness, it’s that constant battle for control. First, it’s me hopping to change a lightbulb, next thing you know I’m walking around the house serving your friends when they come to dinner.

At some point a line has to be drawn and the farther that line gets away from the stuff you want to do, or not, the more you lose.

By Wise Diva

September 22, 2008 12:30 PM | Link to this

I am really enjoying the discussion, wow, I am paying close attention to the male perspective, too. I think it is Very interesting how women desire to let the man lead, but may get hung up on conveying this properly. Great job, everyone, keep it coming, taking notes over here

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 12:30 PM | Link to this

Beautiful, I saw Tyler’s movie. Excellent! Loved how all the people tied into each other at the end. Casting Katy Bates and Alfre Woodard was a smart move. They play off each other very well. You will enjoy the movie!

By MLL

September 22, 2008 12:31 PM | Link to this

Atl lady what if she was broke, ride marta, and rent an apartment, very dependent and dating a younger man, what will she be called?

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 12:33 PM | Link to this

Battle for control? Sounds like insecurity.

its about the man..do you and she will follow

Said by Rell, with a Truth co-sign. It’s really that simple to me.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 12:33 PM | Link to this

Truth Thats why they walk out the house and leave the door unlocked.

You’ve got a point there. All I’m using is the bottom lock, whereas just about every female that I know, is using the bottom lock, top lock, chain, ADT, etc.

Hey what’s up DasV?! And just to be fair, some dudes can be nags too. My couso for example. But like I said, he was only calling his girl every 10 times a day because he was insecure and knew that he wasn’t treating her right.

Foots I was thinking about bricking up my crib and may need you and BIL to come over and get the corners started; and then come back and finish off around the windows and doors. I can handle the rest myself. How ‘bout it?

By Foots

September 22, 2008 12:37 PM | Link to this

Slim LMAO!! It happens just like that!

Dan On control… I found a few good articles about the stages of relationships and that “vying for control” stage is what breaks most couples up. It’s usually after that “honeymoon” period where no one can do no wrong, then the real person starts to show up and life picks up where it left off before you got all coupled up. That’s when relationships start to require effort. But the battle for control is a HUGE part of making it past that step to long-term happiness.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 12:37 PM | Link to this

I think that we should all be mindful of whether or not our request for other ppl to assist us with something is reasonable and timely…I am not one to ask anyone to help me with something at the last minute…I make certain that the other person has a reasonable timeframe to make allowances for my request…and I also allow room for a no response…so if it becomes apparent to me that no amount of rational consideration on the front end will get the mutually discussed and anticipated results…then I know it is time to chuck the lame duck and move on…period…I will not become a nag or a negative person…I just will exclude the other from my space and get on with it…and, I never ask someone to do something for me that I can do myself.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 12:39 PM | Link to this

…do you and she will follow…

Then who has the control?

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 12:39 PM | Link to this

@MLL

what if she was broke, ride marta, and rent an apartment, very dependent and dating a younger man, what will she be called?

Well, she must be swinging to get a Sugar Baby to take care of her like that…lol…uh-huh…maybe she got a heads up…lmao

By kimmie

September 22, 2008 12:40 PM | Link to this

Afternoon Blog Famm!

Foots - I could have inserted my name instead of yours on that 11:34! The wild part about my situation was that this dude had a LANDSCAPING business on the side! And 2 trucks! When he was trying to get in good with me he came over & cut my grass in about 20 minutes on his super-deluxe riding mower WITHOUT me asking. When I asked him to help me pick out and get a mower home he basically ignored me. At least your dude had a little shame in his game - mine thought it was cute seeing me struggle & sweat with something I asked him to HELP me with. He had a chip on his shoulder about me though - he used to say that people who are educated can’t do anything around the house! The only thing I can’t do for myself now is electrical stuff - I’m just scared so now if SO can’t do it I pay someone. Anyway, Mr. Sorry made his little educated remark - I told him my parents gave me the necessary tools to make it on my own in the big world. I don’t think they failed me by not training me in electrical work. My pride prevents me from all out asking a guy to do something for me - I don’t nag at all. What I will do if I exhausted all options is ask the guy to HELP me or give suggestions. When I see he’s not a man of his word - I go to plan B & C. B is get the job done by other means & C is kick him to the curb. Luckly my current SO is not like that - he asks about things before I even suggest and I do the same for him. We’re a team, but like Raqi said, I’m not wifey by any stretch until we take those vows!

By Beautiful

September 22, 2008 12:40 PM | Link to this

thanks Leggs! why don’t you ask wise to help you out with that pic.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 12:46 PM | Link to this

Mak …and I also allow room for a no response…so if it becomes apparent to me that no amount of rational consideration on the front end will get the mutually discussed and anticipated results…then I know it is time to chuck the lame duck and move on…period…I will not become a nag or a negative person…I just will exclude the other from my space and get on with it…

So does a “No,” response = end of relationship?

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 12:46 PM | Link to this

BK Let me see if I can answer everything. MY dad is semi-retired. He’s been in the construction business for over 40 years. He’s a country boy at heart and he really doesn’t mind helping me, but he’s too old for some of the really heavy stuff that needed to be done. His friend was too (Friend deceased now). We (me and SO) had been planning this for a few months. He went with me to Home Depot and Lowe’s to gather all the necessary materials to make it happen. When it was time to execute, he always had an excuse. I even found out from a mutual friend that he was putting me off intentionally because he didn’t want to spend all day Saturday doing it. I admit, I maynot have told him how many people were going to be helping us because I wasn’t sure. When you have people like my dad, play uncle, and brother who was more than willing to help and he’s dragging his feet, what else are you supposed to do? I asked him one last time, he said he had something to do. I said cool. Called my peeps we got it done and was finishing it up for that day when he just showed up because I wasn’t answering the phone. To save face in front of my dad he got his a$$ out there. The next day (Sunday), he came over after church to help my dad and his friend finish the rest while I cooked dinner for them. He knew from that lesson that I’m not going to sit around and keep asking him anything. I could understand if it was something that wasn’t planned, but it was planned. He wanted me to lean on him, but he proved to me that I couldn’t. It affected our relationship in the long run because I just simply wouldn’t give him that kind of latitude anymore. Does that answer everything?

By Foots

September 22, 2008 12:48 PM | Link to this

Blue My masonry work is done. That ish puts callouses on my lovely hands.

Rell it cost to be the boss…and that includes TIME and MONEY….so before she nags or ask..do it yourself or how about this…hey bab i am going to handle XYZ and i need for you to handle ABC while i am busy doing this…or just have enough dayum common sense to see it for yourself.

Wow, I think you really put it down right there. You’re right, there is a cost to be the boss. I don’t want a figurehead, I want someone who puts in the time and energy required to run the household efficiently. And even though I wasn’t married to those guys, in a practice as you play circumstance, I could tell that married life wouldn’t have been any different in terms of what they deemed as their responsibility and what their “timeline” should be.

I lived with my female cousin for three years in an apartment while in college. We had only two conflicts the whole time, and that was in the first year, one over the phone (we each ended up getting our own lines) and one over the trash (she hated taking out the trash). Once we solved those problems, everything ran so smoothly, we each came from “get it done” type households.

The first person to notice we were out of milk went to get milk. The first person to get home started cooking for the two of us. If one person cooked, the other person cleaned up. She cleaned the refrigerator, I took the trash out. If somebody was studying in the living room, the other went to her own room to watch tv. We never defined what each other would do, we just got it done. It was the most respectful and productive arrangements I could have ever been in. If I end up with somebody half as considerate and capable of getting things done, I’d be good.

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 12:49 PM | Link to this

Foots & Kimmie You should’ve asked a hot looking neighbor to come do those things with ya’ll…then go bring the dude some ice cold kool-aid while SO was there…LOLOL! Boyz like their ‘toys’ and even when they are not really wanting to play with it, they’ll put it to the side…but they don’t want ANYONE else to play with it. lol

By abc

September 22, 2008 12:56 PM | Link to this

I can see what Truth is saying, but I’d qualify that a bit.

Preferences as to thread count aren’t right or wrong. I like 200 count sheets for their texture and crispness. I like 300-600 counts because they’re soft, and the older they are the softer they get. If the sheet irritates your skin somehow, I don’t quite know what to make of that. How coddled must a person be?

Decorating tastes are along the same lines. I know a lot of guys are extremely challenged by or simply don’t care a single lick about things like that, but that doesn’t make them wrong. It just indicates different tastes. Me personally, I like dark, muted colors, large leather furntiture, persian rugs, oil paintings and sculpture. She likes things to be colorful, normally sized, brightly lit. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just different. Let the girl have it her way, but don’t pretend that you don’t have your own tastes.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 12:59 PM | Link to this

Slim Eventually, I did just that. I told him that a co-worker of mine was going to help me start cutting the yard because he was starting his own landscaping business, but since we were friends, he’d do mine for free. The ex-SO already thought that this guy had a crush on me, which he did, so he freaked out and started cutting the grass. When he couldn’t do it, he gave me the $ to have it done.

After I broke it off, I cut my own grass and did all the landscaping for three years. And the only reason I stopped was because I was in grad school and didn’t have the time. Now, I’ll still do the hedges and the trees, but I give up the $ to get my yards cut.

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 1:05 PM | Link to this

MLLIf ole girl has that scene going for herself, she’s just into younger men. A lot of young guys don’t have a lot going for themselves in those areas and aren’t necessarily looking for things either. Just looking to have a good time.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 1:06 PM | Link to this

Beautiful, because that wouldn’t be fair. If they don’t select my pic they don’t select it.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 1:06 PM | Link to this

Then who has the control?

He does. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a voice, opinion or say…but it lines up with who is the head of the household.

Besides, when we play Principal and naughty coed, you won’t be confused about which role you are. LOL

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 1:07 PM | Link to this

@BK

A no response means the same thing when someone says it to me as when I say it to them…NO…ppl have a right to define what they are comfortable in committing to, for whatever reasons…a NO is a straight forward and complete answer…you do not throw someone away just because they do not kiss your arse evrytime you want something…there is no respect in that…but do not tell me yes, and then tell me no…that is wishy-washy…fickle and unreliable…now, if your nos and yeses are a what you use to control my responses and behaviors…then yes, there is no more relationship value.

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 1:10 PM | Link to this

What does the timeframe in which someone fulfills a favor or task for me have to do with whether or not my nurturing of them and their needs is bordering on the nag line?

I thought we were talking about doing for your mate out of love and concern (sometimes controlling) and when it becomes overbearing.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 1:10 PM | Link to this

Atl Lady I could understand if it was something that wasn’t planned, but it was planned.

Aight, you got it. If it was indeed an agreed upon plan and nothing came up on your boy’s end. I mean things do come up.

Slim You should’ve asked a hot looking neighbor to come do those things with ya’ll…then go bring the dude some ice cold kool-aid while SO was there…LOLOL!

You got a point there. Here’s one for you - You roll up from getting your hair/nails done, dude’s up under your car doing brakes (because we all know that a woman kills some brakes), and Big-Bootie Jackie from across the street is carrying a pitcher of lemonade with 2 glasses. LOL

By Dan

September 22, 2008 1:11 PM | Link to this

@ARed

What I mean about a battle for control is the push and pull of a normal relationship. Hopefully we all find that equilibrium in the relationship to where both of us are comfortable.

Can we make it a randy professer and the naughty co-ed….wanna make sure she’s of age…I’m not RKelly…

By DasV

September 22, 2008 1:17 PM | Link to this

bluONE whats up? no doubt. men can nag too. but here on the blog it seems that nag would imply more than one, twice…i think its warranted to be called/define as ‘nagging’ at once…. i.e. *i thought we wouldve had this/had that or been this/been that or done this/done that by now, but…..

and it doesnt matter what its because of … it could be an act of God, it could be because the person responsible procrastinates…. doesnt matter. if you wish outloud for something other than what is, you are nagging…. unless you’re under 18 and not paying any house bills, then its whining.

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 1:19 PM | Link to this

I also had an ex who would get all naggy whenever my gay best friend would come to town. It seemed like he’d find any and everything to bytch about when she was here. Anything from, i didn’t sit by him while we were all at the house, to I stayed up all night chatting with her and didn’t come to bed when he went…to every time she’s here you act differently towards me..I’m like dude, i hardly see her, so of course my attention is not going to be 100% on you. Yes we stay up talking for hours, that’s what chicks do from time to time when we don’t live in the same state, DUH! It was always something…

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 1:21 PM | Link to this

Dan, there can be only one Chief. Handle your responsibilities accourdingly and there won’t be much a “battle” in the first place.

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 1:30 PM | Link to this

Blue That’s when I get out the car and say, “hey jackie” you sure are a life saver. You must’ve read my mind that i was thirsty as hayo”….then proceed to gulp down both glasses. Then i’d bend down to talk to SO and say, “after you get done with that, i want you to come get cleaned up and check out this new crotchless cat suit I bought while i was out…oh, and did you still need me to bust that huge butt pimple you were complaining about this morning?….i’d turn to Jackie and ask if she had any tweezers we could borrow…lol

By Dan

September 22, 2008 1:35 PM | Link to this

@ARed

Riiiighhht. And you find me the woman that’s willing to follow my playbook from the opening whistle…and I’ll marry her onsite.

Y’all just ain’t built like that anymore…

Heyall, you fight it from get green “Ms. Show and prove”…;)

By Rell - Ared Club President

September 22, 2008 1:35 PM | Link to this

First, it’s me hopping to change a lightbulb, next thing you know I’m walking around the house serving your friends when they come to dinner.

-you cant be serious….lol…i dont think it would escalate to that homie…if you read what the females are posting it is really simple….one - the like for us to take charge and give direction…two - if they have to ask or remind they dont mind but once is enough…funny we tell our kids the same thing and expect action….three - they are fearful when they have no boundaries and you no backbone..they are unsure without direction or sometype of leadership…..i am not reading they want to turn there man…into a man-servant or some type of sissy….what i read from you homie is that you are insecure and unsure on how to properly manage a relationship with a women….you need to fix that and fast if you not picking up the free dayum marketing on display today…

By chakra7

September 22, 2008 1:42 PM | Link to this

The scenario that you described is what I define as the control/response behavior game…some ppl seem to believe that it defines who is in control of the relationship by their repsonse to any request/desire of the other person

M’Karyl so a man, in this instance, isn’t showing how much he cares/doesn’t care by his responses but demonstrating how much control he has in the relationship? I was seeing a guy who’d notice something he liked about me but wouldn’t compliment me at the time he noticed it; he’d make it apparent he noticed, but not say anything. Of course, I thought he was trying to play on a presumed insecurity he thought I may have had by doing that. So he’d wait and compliment me hours later or even the next day just outta the blue. For ex., I might have gotten a hair cut on Monday, and he’d see me, look at my hair and not say anything. On Tuesday, he’d say “Nice haircut” in the middle of an unrelated phone conversation or text. Crazy. I know it’s not exactly on topic, but I do remember him even saying just because he did’t respond the way I expected didn’t mean he didn’t care.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 1:42 PM | Link to this

Y’all just ain’t built like that anymore…

Nope you MEN aren’t. How quickly you forgot the order of succession.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 1:45 PM | Link to this

Slim That’s when I get out the car and say, “hey jackie” you sure are a life saver. You must’ve read my mind that i was thirsty as hayo”….then proceed to gulp down both glasses.

Yes officer, I was out mowing the yard, and everything seemed to be cool when his girl drove up.

Then i’d bend down to talk to SO and say, “after you get done with that, i want you to come get cleaned up and check out this new crotchless cat suit I bought while i was out…

Right about that time, I could see dude wiping the grease off of his forehead with a big kool-aid smile on his face. And now that I think about it, Jackie wasn’t really smiling anymore…

oh, and did you still need me to bust that huge butt pimple you were complaining about this morning?….i’d turn to Jackie and ask if she had any tweezers we could borrow…lol

…and that officer is when the fight got started.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 1:45 PM | Link to this

what i read from you homie is that you are insecure and unsure on how to properly manage a relationship with a women…

Rell - Interesting observation man!

By Dan

September 22, 2008 1:46 PM | Link to this

@Rell

Then I must work on my typing…

Cause I ain’t said none of that.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a strong woman as much as the next man, and I love a smartazz even more, but after a point (and I’ve seen it happen) the relationship devolves into “yes ma’am” situation - meaning that somehow what she says goes, but ultimately the responsibility is on the man.

I’m just saying, if it’s all on me, then I’m responsible for does and doesn’t get done and how the resources are allocated to achieve the mission.

BTW, from where did you get me being insecure in that post…exaggeration is a literary tool that most writers use…

By For Real

September 22, 2008 1:48 PM | Link to this

Slim I think this is what your ex was trying to say:

yall didn’t sit by me while we were all at the house, to I stayed up all night chatting with her and yall didn’t come to bed when he went hellz yall could have woke me up…to every time she’s here you act differently like we all can’t be friends and sleep together…

But i could be wrong….

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 1:52 PM | Link to this

By Rell - Ared Club President ….what i read from you homie is that you are insecure and unsure on how to properly manage a relationship with a women….you need to fix that and fast if you not picking up the free dayum marketing on display today…

Dude, you’re making a few good points today, but you need to work that moniker before you come on trying to tell another dude how to captain his ship.

That’s like some dude named Buttercup walking up trying to advise me on anything. The reception just ain’t gon’ be there.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 1:56 PM | Link to this

@Rell

You bout sound like the guy at the cookout telling folks how he run his house…but be in the mall at Christmas time carrying the bags and sitting on the bench waiting for her to come out the store. Strength through capitulation…stop it

By Foots

September 22, 2008 1:58 PM | Link to this

What’s also interesting is that the two married men who have responded have chalked up the necessity of “nagging” to laziness, selfishness, the need to grow up on behalf of the person being nagged. The man who is engaged is not all that worried about nagging and realizes that sometimes, he realizes that when his woman tries to tell him something, it’s to his benefit. It seems like this is a case where the married and committed men have something to share with the single men who hope to have that someday.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 1:58 PM | Link to this

By Rell - Ared Club President ….what i read from you homie is that you are insecure and unsure on how to properly manage a relationship with a women….you need to fix that and fast if you not picking up the free dayum marketing on display today…

Dude, you’re making a few good points today, but you need to work that moniker before you come on trying to tell another dude how to captain his ship.

That’s like some dude named Buttercup walking up trying to advise me on anything. The reception just ain’t gon’ be there.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 1:58 PM | Link to this

@Chakra

In that case, I may be more prone to believe that ole boy just wasn’t sure of how and when to deliver a compliment…some ppl feel very vunerable when they want to convey something indicative of a personal nature to someone that they are attracted to…it is not always easy for someone to honestly and openly express themselves like that…especailly if a person does not know how the other will respond…but in the case to which I am referring, the scenario would be something like a person be contrary just to control your behaviors and responses…I do not he was being contrary or negative…just uncertain of himself.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 1:59 PM | Link to this

This fool said buttercup. LMAO!!!

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 1:59 PM | Link to this

Dan on that 1228, I’m erasing that from the blog with my number 2 pencil. There is no next step or further deterioration for doing things that fall in your lane. If my girl is putting the smack down she’ll never see trash, have to change locks, carry groceries from the car, or even fill up her own tank of gas (yes, you can top it off every few days or so and still be a man). It’s not about controlling them, it’s about leading them. You do that by first doing your job. When you do yours its painfully obvious who isnt doing their’s. Do your job and not out of obligation but with zest. Just like we want a woman that not only cooks but loves to do it, they want the same things. First though you have to like yourself and know what you bring to the table. Then everyone can feast on the good stuff.

By NCGirlfromATL

September 22, 2008 2:00 PM | Link to this

BK I highly doubt you’ll find 2 women fighting over the bursting of a simple butt pimple. Now, if in busting that pimple, today’s Powerball jackpot poured out, then you might have a fight on your hands. Otherwise, I doubt it. I could be wrong but…

Wassup bloggers!

Wise Contrary to Just Me’s earlier post, this topic is great! Good to see you all again!

Back to work/lurk…

By Rell - Ared Club President

September 22, 2008 2:03 PM | Link to this

Riiiighhht. And you find me the woman that’s willing to follow my playbook from the opening whistle…and I’ll marry her onsite.

• MEANS YOU HAVE NO PLAN…if they dont play your way move on..simple..and from what i am reading there are a blog full of single women looking for a leader..

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 2:03 PM | Link to this

For Real Nice try but i don’t think so. Had she had been a lipstick lesbian then I’d agree with you. However, she’s a stud…not sure a dude would want to be in bed with his girl and another chick masquerading as a dude. Him with his dizzle and her with her dizzle-to-the-10th degree that can rotate and vibrate. Can’t compete with that. lol

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 2:06 PM | Link to this

If my girl is putting the smack down she’ll never see trash, have to change locks, carry groceries from the car, or even fill up her own tank of gas (yes, you can top it off every few days or so and still be a man). It’s not about controlling them, it’s about leading them. You do that by first doing your job. When you do yours its painfully obvious who isnt doing their’s.

It’s getting a little warm in here for me. LOL. Yes sir!

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 2:06 PM | Link to this

Do your job and not out of obligation but with zest. Just like we want a woman that not only cooks but loves to do it, they want the same things.

Now that is The Unadulterated Truth.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 2:10 PM | Link to this

NCGirl Now, if in busting that pimple, today’s Powerball jackpot poured out, then you might have a fight on your hands.

LOLOLOL!!!! Girl, where you been?!?

By MLL

September 22, 2008 2:10 PM | Link to this

Him with his dizzle and her with her dizzle-to-the-10th degree that can rotate and vibrate. dang I done fall and bumped my head on this one LOL

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 2:10 PM | Link to this

Ared This fool said buttercup. LMAO!!!

I only used that example b/c we had a homie coming up at the crib whose moms nicknamed him Buttacup. Wasn’t a big thing when we were small, but by the time we were hitting Jr. High it was like, “yo name is Cup. Put that butta back in the ‘frigerator.”

NC highly doubt you’ll find 2 women fighting over the bursting of a simple butt pimple.

Joke, slim. Joke. And how have you been? Haven’t seen you in a while…

By Dan

September 22, 2008 2:10 PM | Link to this

@Truth

Really? Et tu?

Okay, then let’s git it.

Dan has acknowledged his gentlemanly credentials. So mowing the lawn, getting the oil changed, whatever that needs to be done - gets done, without question.

What I’m talking about are the smaller battles that lose you the war, homie.

When you start hopping to on command- it’s done. No question, no fallback.

To do what needs to be done without being asked or prompted is what is supposed to be done - by either party.

In that, leading is me doing that and her following by not hitting me with the insignificant. Ya dig?

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 2:11 PM | Link to this

LMAO @ buttercup term from BK!!!!

Truth Pulled out the #2 pencil. Dang! So you got my back on some yard work?? Not during the football game of course, but early that morning before?

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 2:11 PM | Link to this

Blue I’m with NC on that one. How da hayo do you call someone from jail to be bailed out over a butt pimple? lol If anything, dude woulda told ole girl Jackie she besta be getting on home or at least to the edge of the driveway. LOLOL! Any man laying up under a car while it’s up on a jack, needs to think and act wisely. In our crazy world, freak accidents do happen lol

By Dan

September 22, 2008 2:15 PM | Link to this

@Rell

Dude…do you think I could have come from the apartment, to hotel living without a plan?

Really? I made it this far with an eye toward the future without a plan?

You sound real short right now….if you had any clue of what I’ve done to even be alive…

That thought would’ve never crossed your mind…let alone be typed on a blog, but I get it.

Internet tough guy…

How about you run your ship Cap’n, and leave me to mine?

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 2:15 PM | Link to this

When you start hopping to on command- it’s done.

Dan, smh. You still don’t get it dude. And the fact that you think it and say it makes it painfully obvious where the deficiencies lie.

I am glad to see there are guys on here that do get it though. Refreshing!

By NCGirlfromATL

September 22, 2008 2:16 PM | Link to this

Foots Wassup chica? I’ve been working hard, as usual. Looks like the blog is still jumping! I’m quite impressed with your handywoman skills! I too tout myself as being a bit handy…which is different from handsy.

By kimmie

September 22, 2008 2:16 PM | Link to this

Slim - Back from lunch, read your post. Oh yeah, that approach worked real well with Mr. Sorry and Mr. Sorry 2 I dated! Mr. Sorry 2 was the king of making promises/commitments and not delivering! Then his little pride would be hurt when I would go on and get it done without him. First he got miffed because I did not consult him on the house I bought. I asked for a little guidance being that I was a 1st time home buyer and he had bought 2 before. He didn’t take me serious until I announced one day that I had not only picked out a house but got financing and was closing. He got all flustered and started asking me all kinds of questions like I was a kindergartener. I told him my older godsister referred me to her real estate professional - who had been in the business 30 years and had sold houses all over the state. I got great financing and a fantastic interest rate(this dude assumed I was like every other trifling female he had known before, with bad credit & debt made on buying clothes). One of my older brothers came along for the home inspection and gave it his seal of approval. But the piece de resistance’ came on moving day. I gave him one last chance to redeem himself. I asked him to help me move and he kept asking when my moving date was and promised to be there for me. I knew he would not follow through. 2 of my brothers, a sister-in-law AND a hot ex-boyfriend/friend were totally down with helping me. They showed up and were finished loading their trucks/cars and the UHaul when Mr. Sorry 2 rolls up, all late. He took one look at Mr. Hot and got all hot and bothered! He whined that I didn’t have to ask him or any of the others because he “would have helped”! I was like, “Man please, you see what time it is?! We’re almost finished, just about to drive to the house & unload! What was I supposed to do, you know your track record! He rode with me to the house, but complained the whole time that I was treating Mr. Hot nicer than I was treating him. I just laughed and behind closed doors my brothers & SIL were rolling about all the drama! Later on, he admitted he would have done the same thing I had because he knew he had not been treating me right. He tried to get back in my good graces but undependable and a wimp is just not attractive to me. I had lost all respect for him.

By Wise Diva

September 22, 2008 2:19 PM | Link to this

thanks NcGirl, missed ya waving

By Foots

September 22, 2008 2:20 PM | Link to this

Truth Not with zest!!! LOL!! You are right about it. Very few people have the luxury of loving the things that we have to do and very few of us can deal with those things we have to do only when it suits our schedule. The rest of us just have to get it done.

I don’t even mind if SO doesn’t want to do it, just that it gets done. He doesn’t even have to do it with zest. I’ve done plenty of things when I’d rather be doing something else or when it wasn’t convenient for me. I’m with Rell, just buck up and get it done. These things that have to be done are temporary, but knowing that you’re a man I can count on is priceless.

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 2:21 PM | Link to this

Slim thinking times like this I wish i had an SO to run out to get me some soup, kleenex, crackers, an oil change, wash my car, find me a job, clean out my cat’s litter box, clean out the refridgerator, mop the kitchen and bathroom floor, and give me a sponge bath…

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 2:21 PM | Link to this

Point 1: If anything, dude woulda told ole girl Jackie she besta be getting on home or at least to the edge of the driveway. LOLOL!

Point 2: Any man laying up under a car while it’s up on a jack, needs to think and act wisely. In our crazy world, freak accidents do happen lol

Slim I’m gon’ co-sign on both ^^^ of those points. LOL

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 2:21 PM | Link to this

Well…outta here for today…ciao

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 2:23 PM | Link to this

whose moms nicknamed him Buttacup.

See, BK, why his mama do him like that. Cutting his balls off before they even had a chance to drop. LOL

By kimmie

September 22, 2008 2:25 PM | Link to this

Truth - You put it down with that one!

By Foots

September 22, 2008 2:27 PM | Link to this

Slim Hope you feel better soon. You caught a cold or something?

I spoke to my mom on Friday. She picked up the phone and said “Hello”. All I said was “Hey” and she’s like “You got a cold? You sound like you have a cold.” I’m thinking this chick needs to work for CSI or something.

And when you find somebody to mop the kitchen and bathroom, send them over to my place. I HATE MOPPING A FLOOR.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 2:28 PM | Link to this

Any man laying up under a car while it’s up on a jack, needs to think and act wisely. In our crazy world, freak accidents do happen lol

My uncle did kill a guy that way. Tragic.

By i'm swiss

September 22, 2008 2:28 PM | Link to this

@Slim — Don’t know about the rest of that list, but I’m pretty sure you could find some volunteers for the sponge bath… ;-)

By Limbo

September 22, 2008 2:30 PM | Link to this

When you see a woman complaining that the so did not do this for her, the problem is always something else, something deep that got nothing to do with you taking out trash or not. The problem with those ladies is not that they are just angry, they want revenge. They want their men to pay for the sins of the past.

Off Topic: Married guys, did your lady ever gave you a BJ out of blue just because you were mad? If not….then nothing. If so,then she is sexually involved with other men.

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 2:31 PM | Link to this

Foots That’s my momma all day long!!! Girlfriend knows if I’ve had a bad day at work from hello.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 2:33 PM | Link to this

Ared You still don’t get it dude. And the fact that you think it and say it makes it painfully obvious where the deficiencies lie.

I think what Dan is talking about is when a woman gets comfortable and gets in the habit of feeling entitled. Also, when a chick get into the habit of requestfing different things, sometimes her appreciation levels hits the floor.

Most of us here can appreciate it because it’s been spoken on many times by men and women- you know the convos about a SO becoming complacent.

IMO, more so than men, when a woman goes unchecked, she really acts up. I’ve seen plenty of dudes getting dogged out by lippy azz females; just couldn’t be me.

I handle business, but I ain’t no jack-in-the-box - poppin’ just because you’re singing a song and turning a handle.

By Wise Diva

September 22, 2008 2:36 PM | Link to this

Limbo, I am confused by your comment, can you clarify?

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 2:36 PM | Link to this

Dan I understand what you’re saying but your comments probably pertain more to the ones we’re dating instead of dating the one. Man, there’s some chicks that’ll give you the full monty, everything they have, and sometimes thats considerable. If you give back what they give you that thing isn’t about control or the lack of but bliss and who can give out the most. Doesn’t come along often but when it does the sun shines brighter. The constant mind battles are reserved for squares your trying to fit into round holes IMHO.

Like I’ve said there’s not many dudes who cant decide to get a nice wify type and not find her. She’ll come to you and do the things you need, if she senses you’re leading her down the right road. Btw, I’ve taken notes of your gentlemanly ways and its admirable. I chalked that last one up to thoughts of the last no go you experienced.

My problem is the system that we now function in. It’s hostile and volatile for those of my gender.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 2:36 PM | Link to this

Limbo Married guys, did your lady ever gave you a BJ out of blue just because you were mad? If not….then nothing. If so,then she is sexually involved with other men.

Please explain this rationale.

By Rell - Ared Club President

September 22, 2008 2:37 PM | Link to this

LMAO

internet tough guy…..guess we cant chop it up with someone getting tender…dully noted

but yea what truth said. Some folks is missing that point….but hell what do i know…..

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 2:38 PM | Link to this

Foots Yeah, i’ve seem to picked up some sort of bug over the weekend..not sure if its just the cooler weather or what. So i’m a little under the weather. My mom is the same way too. She’ll be like, Goodness, you sound terrible! lol

Ared was it intentional…your uncle that is?

swiss if a dude can do the sponge bath, then his azz can at least bring me some soup & crackers..that’s cheaper than a peep show in Vegas. If i don’t find a job soon, i’ll put a big azz Tip Jar on the side of my tub. lol

Slim now looking up cost of electronic closing shower curtain on internet

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 2:41 PM | Link to this

I think what Dan is talking about is when a woman gets comfortable and gets in the habit of feeling entitled.

BK, I’m sure this is what he meant. And that’s exactly why I mean he doesn’t get it. And if you agree with Dan’s assessment, you don’t get it either.

Here’s an example of what happens when you “get it.” I can definitely be a lippy female, but on here there are some men I’m simply not lippy to. There is a very clear reason for that.

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 2:43 PM | Link to this

Truth I see you didn’t take me up on my yard work proposal. LOL!! AtlLady laughing in the background cause she knows she don’t do that much yard work during football season herself.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 2:44 PM | Link to this

Man, there’s some chicks that’ll give you the full monty, everything they have, and sometimes thats considerable. If you give back what they give you that thing isn’t about control or the lack of but bliss and who can give out the most. Doesn’t come along often but when it does the sun shines brighter. The constant mind battles are reserved for squares your trying to fit into round holes IMHO.

And with that Truth, I’m gon’ take a break, walk outside, soak up some of this fresh air, make me a phone call, and let that marinate. dapps.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 2:45 PM | Link to this

Ared was it intentional…your uncle that is?

Slim, he said it wasn’t. But of course he was facing charges because of it. He says it was an accident, but he’s always been a little off.

By C tha 1

September 22, 2008 2:49 PM | Link to this

Off Topic: Married guys, did your lady ever gave you a BJ out of blue just because you were mad? If not….then nothing. If so,then she is sexually involved with other men.

WTF?!! Dude I get this on the regular without asking, and without being mad. I’m not married either. Me and my lady are pretty tight, she’s set a pretty high standard that’s only topped off by random BJ’s. I’m blessed I know.

By For Real

September 22, 2008 2:49 PM | Link to this

BK I think you clarified Dan’s intentions perfectly. That’s why I said insert something totally useless in my earlier post. One of my boyz wife is so lazy that she could be laying on the frig and would ask him to get her glass of water. I told him if it was me i would that old azz frig and her replaced.

Slim Didn’t John Henry prove that can’t no machine beat a man when it comes to nailing?

For Real is not practicing making the AAD roll over.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 2:51 PM | Link to this

Ared Here’s an example of what happens when you “get it.” I can definitely be a lippy female, but on here there are some men I’m simply not lippy to. There is a very clear reason for that.

The level of clarity is a matter of opinion.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 2:54 PM | Link to this

One of my boyz wife is so lazy that she could be laying on the frig and would ask him to get her glass of water.

Hmm…HE wifed HER tho. Right? LOL

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 2:57 PM | Link to this

For Real I know a machine can’t beat a man…well some men lol Now go pick me up some Super Absorbent, extra-small DEPENDS underwear. I’m pizzing all over myself over here. btw, i got some urine on your 1000 thread count Egyptian sheets…I’ll give you a bj just as soon as the swelling goes down in my throat.

By NCGirlfromATL

September 22, 2008 2:58 PM | Link to this

Wassup BK! You and Slim are killing me!

Slim walks by in her man under the jacked up car in a Nyquil induced haze and sneezes really hard.

AAACHOOO!!!

LOUD CRASH

Slim Whattha…uh oh.

Slim shuffles back into the house to call Jackie in her sick, Tone Loc voice (which sounds strangely like her now, pancaked man) to bring over some grape koolaid and sit for some convo while Slim sits waiting for her arrival, tissue-wrapped fingers poised to dial 911 (thinking, yeah, NOW who wants some koolaid?!? Trifflin, butt pimply, grease monkey man!

Ok, I’m really back to work now!

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 2:59 PM | Link to this

The level of clarity is a matter of opinion.

Duh. LOL

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 3:00 PM | Link to this

Limbo please do clarify that one. LMAO

Foots you can get a person to happily do things if they’re a happy person to begin with. It makes a big difference. Alot of chicks just aren’t happy anymore and it shows in their actions. I think its to much exposure to the wrong guys and too lofty expectations but thats just me. I just saw a chick sitting at the light holding her head like she had 30 minutes to figure out world peace. I’d hate to come home to that train wreck. LOL

By Chink

September 22, 2008 3:02 PM | Link to this

Afternoon,

Good Stories today.

The last guy I dated put the gas in my car, took out my trash and carried my groceries but that didnt help the relationship when it came to pros and cons.

I really dislike asking anyone for anything …but sometimes you just go to do it and if it doesnt fall through start pulling out the bills. Nothing in this world is really free.

ARED

I think Poppa gets the most respect on here because he tells it like it is san emotion but with intellect and I would say wisdom…you just know it when you hear it He doesn’t bring anybody down but brings the picture into focus ….things just seem clearer.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 3:05 PM | Link to this

Limbo, I too need some clarification. What did you find out over this weekend?

Slim, you’re still sick in a real funny way!

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 3:08 PM | Link to this

LMAO @ Truth. Maybe that train wreck was just having a bad day. Funny way to put it tho.

Chink, you’re right about PG. It’s also clear that he respects himself and others he comes in contact with.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 3:12 PM | Link to this

It’s done…*Staceye and my legs are officially included in the contest..play on, play on!!!!

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 3:12 PM | Link to this

Chink I agree and I disagree. Truth, Dan, and BK, can bring something positive with wisdom to the table as well. It’s just not all the time. They have their moments (said with a smile) and you just have to label it as a part of they are and keep it moving.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 3:12 PM | Link to this

Couple of non-dating related questions for the intelligent bloggers up in this camp:

Insurance Question #1

If you have an older car (>10 years), have you reduced your auto coverage to liability (no collision/comprehensive)?

Insurance Question #2

Do you carry an Umbrella (Personal Liability) Policy?

thanks

By Slim 'sick' One

September 22, 2008 3:23 PM | Link to this

I’m out ya’ll..Its time to rub myself down with some Vick’s alllll overrrrrr myyyy booooooodddddyyyy, since I couldn’t find anyone else to do it…..For Real whatchu waitin on to bring my water bottle, minus well do this enema before it get too late.

By For Real

September 22, 2008 3:24 PM | Link to this

Off Topic: Married guys, did your lady ever gave you a BJ out of blue just because you were mad? If not….then nothing. If so,then she is sexually involved with other men.

That ish is just funny as hellz to me.

Dude: Looka here heffer, i’m tied of coming home from work and dis house lookin a mess.

Chick: I’m sorry baby. Here have sit down have some cake and calm down.

Dude: I don’t want no fuggin cake. I want you to get off yo lazy azz.

Chick: Well here take this glass of henny. It will calm your nerves.

Dude: I don’t want to be calm I want to stick my foot up your azz to my knee. I don’t know what hellz i was thinking when I married yo azz.

Zipppppppp

Chick: Slurp, Smack, Smack, Slurp

Dude: That ish ain’t gon work dis time.

Chick: Slurp, Smack, Smack, Slurp

Dude: Oh my dayummm… Wait a minute

Chick: Slurp, Smack, Smack, Slurp

Dude: Imma get you that maid you been askin fo and yo can live with us too.

By MELO

September 22, 2008 3:26 PM | Link to this

Let me pontificate thUs:In these econmic times we facing, a white democrat, as smart as Obama would have won this election against Mcain handily.If Obama does not win,then this country is RACIST Now back to work people………

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 3:26 PM | Link to this

Leggs, I saw your entry and I’m blushing! Whoa!

Get it girl!

By Cemeeli

September 22, 2008 3:30 PM | Link to this

~ Hey Gang

LoL…you guys are hilarious sometimes. It’s cool reading you all…some of you never cease to amaze me.

…

Man, there’s some chicks that’ll give you the full monty, everything they have, and sometimes that’s considerable.

You mean like this example:

I get this on the regular without asking, and without being mad. I’m not married either. Me and my lady are pretty tight, she’s set a pretty high standard that’s only topped off by random BJ’s. I’m blessed I know.

And this makes you blessed? WTH!!

If you give back what they give you that thing isn’t about control or the lack of but bliss and who can give out the most. Doesn’t come along often but when it does the sun shines brighter...

Then why is it that some of us have not figured out that it’s not rocket science to understand this only happens once or twice in a lifetime!!!? We need to stop being selfish/greedy and settle down, get married, or DON”T get married. But stop “damaging goods/acting as serial daters” and stay with one person or be a loner if you cain’t stand the thought of a mate.

Dang! Some people wait a lifetime to have this kind of relationship with someone. And here we have some that have a tendency to take it for granted.

sigh

….wouldn’t it better to have someone and be adaptable to your SO’s nagging ways, than to grow old a bitter Bob or bitter Betty, and lonely?!?!!? ….we gotta learn how to take the good with the not so good.

PoppaG I am going to insert your stamp and twist it: I know in which the “crazy” I live with….the twist for this topic: I know in which the “nagger” i live with…& i WILL deal with…

• another good my stamp: Learn to deal with our own perfect imperfections.

…on another note; Monday night football folks…I am so ready to go home…

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 3:33 PM | Link to this

Foots yes reduce your insurance when your cars value gets down to a few thousand dollars. At that point if it got wrecked it would cost more to replace it than its worth.

Also, since you have a rental property and I think a dog an ubrella policy is good and pretty cheap. Mine is like 100+ a year for 2 million. If your tenant falls in your home they WILL sue you. Also, if fido bites someone that just lost their job last week same thing. When you start acquiring assets you have to protect yourself and an umbrealla policy is a great start. Also, that policy should cove you up to 5 properties.

atl Lady did I hear you say you want to come over and do yardwork sunday while I watch the game? LOL My yard is no joke. I liked it alot better when Juan was coming over to do it.

By Chink

September 22, 2008 3:34 PM | Link to this

AtlLady

I wasn’t trying to negate Truth/Dan/BK/Rell/2Can and etc..I think they all bring something special.

But Ared was stating that she gets lippy with certain people and I was in a way addressing that ..thats all.

By Limbo

September 22, 2008 3:36 PM | Link to this

WD - Women think men should help doing the chores all along. Women resent having to ask for a man’s help. They think he should help without being asked. However, they seem to forget that when they were trying to coerce men into a relationship / commitment, they claimed that waiting on their potential SO made them happy. It wouldn’t take so long for men to pitch in and help with house chore if women started out expecting collaboration in the first place. In conclusion, women mating choices does not consider collaboration from a man as a mating factor. Women choose a man to mate with for other reasons (fantasies), when the relationship does not materialize their fantasies of happiness, women becomes conscious and try to change a man into something that he was not in the first place. When they fail, they become angry of having made a wrong choice. To cope with their anger, women direct it toward any man who crosses their paths.

By Beautiful

September 22, 2008 3:40 PM | Link to this

leggs i thought you were having trouble putting in on the ajc.com website. i wasn’t suggesting that you ask wise to help you win. but it wouldn’t hurt if she helped a sista out. lol. we’re talkin’ about tina tickets here!

y’all have a good evening. i didn’t get a chance to read anything today. working my booty off. i’ll catch up tonight after diddy goes off.

By Rell - Ared Club President

September 22, 2008 3:40 PM | Link to this

ummm where is this dayum contest…i would love to see

@chink….i am sure if me and ared meet she would not be lippy with me…we would chop it up real good…feel me…glad to see you back on the blog…

By Beautiful

September 22, 2008 3:45 PM | Link to this

Limbo answer this for me. why do men marry? and who was holding the gun to his temple when this happened?

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 3:46 PM | Link to this

No, Beautiful, I was saying it wouldn’t be fair to ask her for any assistance in anyway! Hell, I may not win, but did want honorable mention that I was entered.

Thanks ARed!

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 3:53 PM | Link to this

Limbo Women want collaboration from the beginning. The timing to ask and get collaboration is the question. Some men aren’t going to be that person no matter what you are to them.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 3:54 PM | Link to this

Truth I decided to drop the collision and comprehensive this weekend, but this morning, I punked out and just raised the deductibles. I also dropped my rental coverage on both, because I have another car to drive if one is in the shop. I managed to shave enough off $ to nearly pay for the umbrella. I would have had it all, but I had to raise liability to where the umbrella would kick in. My dog died in June, but I can really see the need for it if you have a dog and he bites someone.

I made a deal with myself that I would drop the collision/comprehensive on the first business day of 2009. Maybe I won’t be so queasy about it by then. Once I drop that and reduce my auto insurance, I’ll increase the umbrella another million.

Hey, do you know if you can you keep comprehensive and drop collision? If I could, I’d do it today.

By Poppa Grande

September 22, 2008 4:05 PM | Link to this

Foots

Remember that I told you that I had a classmate that is a Police Officer.

Well, she withdrew from classes early in the semester. It seems that her 3 year old son was diagnosed with leukemia. So, she wanted to be with him.

I didn’t forget your questions for her. I just haven’t seen her due to this unfortunate circumstance.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 4:07 PM | Link to this

@BK

My point exactly.

@Truth

I ain’t married yet, so the one’s I’m dating is the only reference that I have right now.

@Rell

Deese

@ARed

What makes you think I don’t notice who you get lippy with….I do. It’s just that when you’re pushed you stop getting lippy and start listening.

@Slim

Feel better

By Wise Diva

September 22, 2008 4:07 PM | Link to this

Thanks Limbo, but I meant clarify the BJ line, LOL

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 4:08 PM | Link to this

The contest is on ajc’s home page. Scroll down to Entertainment and the fourth bolded word is Contest. Click there and you can see all the entries.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 4:09 PM | Link to this

Big Poppa That’s okay, her situation is WAY more important, so don’t bother her with my questions. I’ll send up a prayer for her little boy. I can’t imagine what they are going through. Does she have a good support system (other than the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost)?

By Poppa Grande

September 22, 2008 4:19 PM | Link to this

Foots

It seems that the child’s father is very active in his son’s life.

She describes her relationship with the child’s father as follows:

1) He’s good man 2) She’s good woman 3) They just aren’t good together

But she says that he is a very good father. So imagine that he is there as well.

Leggs

I saw your entry. Way to go!! Good luck!!

By Foots

September 22, 2008 4:20 PM | Link to this

Anybody going to take advantage of early voting? I did it for the primary and I’m certainly going to do it for the general election. I may go into work late one day this week so I can get it over with.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 4:21 PM | Link to this

Sounds like limbo is being accused of being unfaithful???

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 4:32 PM | Link to this

Cee Dang! Some people wait a lifetime to have this kind of relationship with someone. And here we have some that have a tendency to take it for granted.

Then what’chu waitin’ on slick?!

Truth Hey, do you know if you can you keep comprehensive and drop collision? If I could, I’d do it today.

No, you can not.

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 4:33 PM | Link to this

Foots I did the absentee ballot thing. My old voting district cured me. The lines were always stretched out the door and wrapping around the parking lot. I was always either late for work or standing in line in the building as the polls were closing. A lot of employers these days really don’t care about a person exercising their rights on this issue.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 4:39 PM | Link to this

In reference to absentee voting, read up on Voter Caging, and be very careful with ALL information and mailing addresses.

By Limbo

September 22, 2008 4:40 PM | Link to this

WD, Married men believe their wives when she says that she lost Sexual Desire. Men are dumb enough not to ask themselves if she is really uninterested in sex, or is she just uninterested in sex with just him. Then one day he get mad and frustrated and she offer a BJ to calm him. You are a woman, you know what I’m saying.

Leggs…..common, you been there before - don’t act like I’m speaking Chinese.

Contrary to men stupid beliefs women are not naturally monogamous. They like sex and mostly enjoy it better with a partner other than their long time partner.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 4:42 PM | Link to this

I’m definitely taking advantage of early voting. Bet something goes wrong with that as well. November 4th is going to be a horrible day!

Thanks PoppaG!

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 4:44 PM | Link to this

i am sure if me and ared meet she would not be lippy with me…we would chop it up real good…feel me…glad to see you back on the blog

Rell, it all depends what happens when you open your mouth. If you’re cool, I’m cool. It goes back to the “jugding a book by it’s cover” thing. I might never be into a dude with gold teeth. But I’ma at least wait til he opens his mouth first before I dismiss him on appearance alone. LOL

The guys who get shut down is because they weren’t hittin on nothing from the moment they opened their mouth. LOL

By Foots

September 22, 2008 4:46 PM | Link to this

Blue Reading up on it, it appears that you can have them separately. Each is actually a different line item with its own premium amount.

Does your insurance company require you to have C&C as well as liability?

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 4:47 PM | Link to this

Nope, I haven’t been there. I’v never offered my man a BJ to appease him when he’s mad at me!

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 4:49 PM | Link to this

It’s just that when you’re pushed you stop getting lippy and start listening.

Dan, not exactly.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 4:56 PM | Link to this

Foots Does your insurance company require you to have C&C as well as liability?

No. My vehicles have no lien, so there is no requirement. But they won’t allow comprehensive - coverage against theft, vandalism, deer, etc without the collision.

Note: Credit is for buying houses. Any other use is simply to pay for some other dudes kids to go to college.

If you have a basically clear driving record, check out Mercury Indemnity. Before I got those major tickets, they were just about twice as cheap as GEICO.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 4:57 PM | Link to this

Good night everyone!

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Learn this small “jewel” and you can save yourself a world of pain!

Peace Out!

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 4:59 PM | Link to this

Foots Let me amend that last note. Credit is NOT for personal luxuries; but for buying houses and investing in business ventures.

By Poppa Grande

September 22, 2008 5:07 PM | Link to this

Leggs

*You cannot change a man’s behavior. *

I’ve been of the belief that the right woman enhances what a man already is (& vice versa). But she cannot change him (Of course, Vice versa).