Misadventures in Atlanta

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 9:07 AM | Link to this

Yeah sometimes you can settle into the old married couple routine while dating. That’s why the “nurturing” should be limited in dating. You shouldn’t be acting like wifey until you actually become wifey.

Another thing, when you give free range of your home to someone, don’t get your panties in a bunch when she starts redecorating the place.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone.

By DasV

September 22, 2008 9:16 AM | Link to this

raqi with that comment you setting us up for some serious ‘defending’ today: according to you, wifey = nagging. and that is soooo not the case and we know you dont think that. pls clarify

on topic my favorite incense is by nag champa. my husband said is was apropo. after giving it some thought i realized that i would frequently make comments, negative ones, one shyt that couldnt be helped or changed… thats nagging. it was that i thought it could be or refused to except that it couldnt, cause it went against who he was…. unfortunately all that came together after we hit the point of no return.

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 9:19 AM | Link to this

One of the biggest problems in any relationship married or not, is when caring is interpreted as nagging. And it actually can be nagging, but you can’t stop a person from caring. Especially when it comes to health and safety.

I know I come off as a nag at times when I worry about health and safety issues. But if you want to hate me for caring then do so because that’s just who I am. I care for the ones I love. If he would rather I didn’t care then I am not the right person for him.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

Hey everybody! Hope you guys had enjoyable weekends.

My mother is a nag, so I try to avoid doing that at all costs! There are times when I want something done, I tell dude…it doesn’t get done. Weeks later, I’ll issue a reminder, still nothing. After that, it just becomes a threat. “Either take care of ABC or XYZ will happen.” LOL. That usually works. And it’s often never mentioned again.

Hey, I tried to be nice. LOL

By Sky

September 22, 2008 9:37 AM | Link to this

Good Morning. Do u like guys like it when your SO cater to your every need or is that a turn off.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 9:40 AM | Link to this

How do you “threaten” someone your dating?

NBF, but I’m curious as to the reaction of this “man”.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 9:46 AM | Link to this

NBF, but I’m curious as to the reaction of this “man”.

LOL. The irony.

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this

Clarification: Residential makeovers, changing wardrobes, cooking 5 times a week, cleaning are for wifey. “Just girlfriend” should not be doing these things and definitely not “just dates”.

Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with picking out a nice shirt that you think would complement your love interest and an occasional home improvement suggestion has yet to kill anyone, but it shouldn’t go too far beyond that.

Before the nups, I would offer advice on how he should maybe change this or that, but no just going in and redecorating without his consent.

Being wife has nothing to do with being a nag.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this

Personally, I think that anytime I am coerced into having to define for another person the reasonable dictates of common sense and rationale intelligence in order for him/her to be in compliance with what natural order indicates behooves their best interest…then I have ventured into a co-dependent zone of hey-ale…that is what nagging and nuturing is to me…a co-dependent behavior…and thye are completly different from concern and compassion for another person’s best interest.

By lurker

September 22, 2008 9:58 AM | Link to this

MK Personally, I think that anytime I am coerced into having to define for another person the reasonable dictates of common sense and rationale intelligence in order for him/her to be in compliance with what natural order indicates behooves their best interest…then I have ventured into a co-dependent zone of hey-ale…that is what nagging and nuturing is to me…a co-dependent behavior…and thye are completly different from concern and compassion for another person’s best interest

why didn’t you just say, anytime I have to help you think when you should be able to do that on your own, then I’ve crossed the line from caring and concern to doing it for you….really a lot of words all dressed up? keep it simple

By NY2GA, Inc.

September 22, 2008 10:02 AM | Link to this

I just try to live by the saying “treat others the way you’d like to be treated.” If you’re catering to a person’s every need 24/7/365 then this is not nurturing, it is servitude. Moreover, by doing this you’re not living in the real world because nobody can get everything that they want all the time. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t. So, for me, if a dude wants service all the time then he should go on Kudzu to hire help. Shoot. Even Florence on the Jefferson’s got tired sometimes.

By abc

September 22, 2008 10:03 AM | Link to this

It’s not that big a deal to me. Redecorate if that’s what she wants to do. As far as my wardrobe goes, I’ll wear whatever she wants, within reason. I will not refrain from wearing what I want, though, whether she likes it or not, dating, married, whatever. I like old jerseys and jeans sometimes. Get over it.

I could forget how to cook. It’s as if I’m not allowed in the kitchen very much anymore. I don’t mind that either.

I like her fussing over me. Other chicks, I haven’t liked it one bit, but she can do it all she wants.

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 10:07 AM | Link to this

abc you are practically married, so yeah she can do all of that.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:09 AM | Link to this

@lurker

I will say it anyway I dayummm well please…so just keep lurking and shut up.

@Raqi

I think that you have stated very well how these boundaries should be assessed and drawn in the context of ppl who are relationship oriented.

By DasV

September 22, 2008 10:13 AM | Link to this

M’K top of the morning to you! you don’t have to dumb down for this blog… stay you. and although i see your point… we are not in the business of raising who we aint given birth to…. i still can appreciate raqi’s point. some ppl arent motivated to eat healthy or to exercise and if we can do that for them then we should. they may see it as pestering, but we do it because we want them in our lives longer than they would be eating like they do and not exercising.

i dont however think that concern ‘shows up’ on the wedding day… and if im spending a significant amount of time at his house, im going to clean and cook, cause thats what i’d be doing at home… its just what i do.

By i'm swiss

September 22, 2008 10:20 AM | Link to this

I’m a lot more receptive to “nagging” now that I used to be. If it hadn’t been for an ex of mine nagging me to go to the doctor, I could very well be dead now. Turned out I had cancer, but luckily it was caught early enough to be treated without any major difficulty.

Since then, I don’t mind being “nagged” much at all… ;-)

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:22 AM | Link to this

@DasV

Like i said, I think raqi is on point regarding ppl interested in pursuing relationships…no doubt…she is a very smart cookie…truly…and no doubt the concern and compassion that we have for any person is an evolutionary process…ohterwise, what is the basis for the relationship????…it should develop naturally from the time shared with another…relationships evolve from sharing oneself with another…if I care about someone, then of course I care about that person’s best interest…however I may express that concern.

By just saying

September 22, 2008 10:24 AM | Link to this

This is a weak topic WD I’ve come to expect so much more from you, so I’m so disappointed. How do you let Blanca come into your house and shut you down? Damn

Blanca was on point all last week. WD, step your game up girlie or we’re gonna have to vote you out of office. It’s time for a new administration

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this

Good way of looking at it i’m swiss. Most nagging is done for a reason, and if it doesn’t fall upon deaf ears usually is justified!

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

Nurturing or Nagging? How about sometimes the nurturer is really only doing it out of insecurity, which very quickly turns into a nag situation, which will quickly cause a dude to lace up the AirMaxes and roll out.

So yes, we like a woman to care for, be concerned about, and even from time to time, cater to us… but please don’t over-dose us.

I will say it anyway I dayummm well please…so just keep lurking and shut up.

Dayum Mak. Why you always gotta get that funky e’ry time somebody says something to you. Come on slim, you ain’t gotta be nasty about it…

Dan NBF, but I’m curious as to the reaction of this “man”.

I’m curious myself.

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 10:30 AM | Link to this

Morning folks.

Women taught me what thread count is (and why 300 is not good) what a pillow top mattress is (my previous mattress was one step above a concrete slab) how to cook, use fragrant candles, how to use nice artwork (Charles Bibbs, etc) to dress up the house, put out fresh flowers (tho I’m to lazy to do it regularly) and on and on. If a woman brings good information on any topic I’m more than willing to listen. Btw, a chick even taught me the different levels of down comforters warmth( alot to remember).

I EXPECT a woman to take care of me and introduce me to another thought process, otherwise otherwise I’d date men and sit around playing playstaion all day.? It’s not what she brings but how she brings it.

On nagging, its looked at negatively and will be squashed immediately. My temper won’t take it. Ultimately it shows she cant control herself and thats not a good thing.

Btw, I can dress myself and very well so no help needed there.

Some chicks can get away with more because they bring more to the table.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:30 AM | Link to this

@i’m swiss

Now, I do not think that is nagging at all…obviously she saw something in your daily routine that caused some sort of concern…to which you were oblivious or not as greatly concerned (we all do this to some degree about something)…she was insistent and persistent out of this concern…that is not nagging…to me nagging has a more inherently negative connotation, and it is also inherently futile.

By Rell - Ared Club President

September 22, 2008 10:31 AM | Link to this

i dont understand nag…lol

women are never pleased..there is something always to be done…once men figure that out..then the nagging will stop or you will not worry about it..plus its never about the women its about the man..do you and she will follow

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 10:32 AM | Link to this

Blanca was on point all last week. WD, step your game up girlie or we’re gonna have to vote you out of office. It’s time for a new administration

I just want to know who Just Saying is for real. Demask! LOL

By Dan

September 22, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

@Amazon Red

Really, I’m just asking how you would consider threatening someone that you care about. With what?

Would you withhold love, or sex, or conversation becuase something wasn’t done your way.

By i'm swiss

September 22, 2008 10:42 AM | Link to this

@m’karyl — True. I guess that’s why I don’t mind it. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone who’s gotten on my case about insignificant BS — it’s always been something with my best interest at heart, even if I didn’t always want to hear it.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:43 AM | Link to this

@Truth

I think that anyone with whom we are involved should be able to bring assets to the table that contribute to our personal grwoth and development…that is what caring, concern and compassion do…they do not change a person per se…but rather enhance the person’s awarenes…that is a good thing…and for you to be aware of and acknowledge such (without changing your own defined boundaries of identity) says a lot about the character of not only your manhood, but also your personhood.

By DasV

September 22, 2008 10:43 AM | Link to this

bluK LOL… i think you are right. ppl who nag are insecure. i know i was… cause we werent doing all that well financially and i felt this uncontrolled urge to let him know every chance i got. sweetie can you pass the salt?.. sure, but dont use too much. we can afford to buy more i had anxiety about tomorrow and it showed.

theTruth someone up your game isnt nagging in my opinion. its what we are suppose to do for each other. but someone concerning themselves with what cant be changed or isnt going to be changed is nagging.

m’k oh. my badd. i thought you were saying that if you have to articulate the obvious to get someone to do for themselves then its co-dependency. maybe you should dumb-down cause i totally misunderstood that LOL

By alegion

September 22, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this

I think most nagging occurs because the two people have different expectations on how fast something needs to be done. My wife may ask me to change a lightbulb which in my mind is not critical to do that day but maybe later in the week when I feel like it. When my wife sees it’s not done the day after she asks she has to “nag” me to do it.

A lot of it also involves how you say it to make a nag.

By MLL

September 22, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this

Ladies, have you ever dated a guy and took your nurturing a bit too far? I guess nagging at some point is good but not to the extreme. Everygbody can stand a little push every now and then but continually yelling it in my ear will get me in the black zone. I can’t say I never nagged but he might say otherwise…I don’t like nagging nor do I like a man who nags the heck out of me over everything I do or don’t do.

By Raqi

September 22, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this

to me nagging has a more inherently negative connotation, and it is also inherently futile

I agree. IMO true nagging is accompanied by complaining and just negativity all the way around. And usually is done for no good reason at all other than to be a nag and complainer.

By Wise Diva

September 22, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this

Alrighty then, Duly noted Just saying, thanks :/

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:53 AM | Link to this

@DasV

LOL..now sug…but if I do have to articulate the obvious to the unaware…well, then that is my first clue that something of a codependent issue is in the airwaves…

@i’m swiss

Sometimes we take ourselves for granted…our mortality, our well-being…and it may take the objective eye of someone who cares for us to make us aware of what we choose to not see or acknowledge…that is why it is good to have someone who does have our best interest at heart…it is a very human trait…our ability to not see the obvious…masking our fears, doubts, whatever…somethings we would rather not face or even face alone…stuff like that, from the mundane and simple to the serious and severe…I think, if I am not mistaken…that is what LOVE is all about…ya’ know.

By mon

September 22, 2008 10:54 AM | Link to this

@GUYS-Do or would u guys really put up with this (it doesn’t get done. Weeks later, I’ll issue a reminder, still nothing. After that, it just becomes a threat. “Either take care of ABC or XYZ will happen.” )I mean I would have to think u would have to be a pretty weak man if you did, & weakness to me is a turn off, but to each his own.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 10:55 AM | Link to this

I agree. IMO true nagging is accompanied by complaining and just negativity all the way around. And usually is done for no good reason at all other than to be a nag and complainer.

I told you Raqi is a smart cookie…lol

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 10:55 AM | Link to this

Dan, good grief.

A scenario: Your co-worker comes to you and asks if you can help with a report. You say “sure no prob, I’ll have my part done by Wednesday.” Wednesday comes and goes, you didn’t do it. On Friday, he asks again. It’s still not done.

A couple weeks later, you still haven’t done it.

Your co-worker is now really irratated. If you weren’t gonna be able to help, why say you would? You co-worker says he’s gonna let your boss know how you blew him off. Then all of the sudden you make good on your word.

Maybe being a “man” is honoring your word. And maybe it’s also admitting that you were wrong to leave your coworker hanging in the first place.

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 10:55 AM | Link to this

Das alot of chicks haven’t upped their game enough to up my game, so to me its nagging. Bring me some good info and I’ll listen. Keep telling me about Alegion’s lightbulb and we’re going to have problems. At a certain point no matter what the issue if your delivery is flawed your message cant be received.

Later I’ll share some thoughts I had while hanging out with two young(30’s) couples this weekend. A lightbulb went off in my head, which is difficult because there’s alot of cobwebs in there.

Rell “do you and she will follow”. Gospel. 100% co-sign and pull the curtains.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this

Nurturing: ring… ring… Hey baby, we were on the phone pretty late last night and I just wanted to make sure you got up in time.

Naggin’: ring… ring… Hey baby, you up? Make sure you call me at lunch today.

Nurturing: lunchtime call Hey baby, how are you doing today?

Naggin’: same lunchtime call Why didn’t you call me this morning?

Nuturing: Saturday morning… Baby, would you do me a favor and take care of blah blah…?

Nagging’: When the game is on… Baby, would you do me a favor and take care of blah blah…?

Nurturing: Baby, I picked up this hanging spider plant for you today. You know plants are good for the psyche.

Naggin’: You know, I took down your lucky horseshoe today. It just didn’t look right in here. …now looking at chick sideways, because it’s been looking alright in here to me for the last 10 years.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

alegion Well dang, if the room was dark, why not just change the lightbulb so your family can see? I guess this is what I don’t quite understand about “how fast something needs to be done”. I can see if the light isn’t burned out yet and somebody says “I calculated the number of hours that this light bulb is supposed to last vs. how long its been in there and we only have 5 hours left, so you need to change it now”. But if the light is already out, apparently the time to change it is now.

I was in a relationship with a man for about 5 months at the time I bought my first house. Because it was a resale, I bought new locks to install. That stuff needs to be taken care of rather quickly, esp in this case because it used to be a rental and the previous renters had been put out. Anyway, I asked him to do it, thinking he understood why a single woman living alone should have locks changed, and apparently we disagreed about “how fast it needed to be done”. I didn’t want to nag him, but I asked him again to do it the next day. After three days, I saw he wasn’t on my safety timeline and I did it myself. Of course, he was there while I was doing the installation and said “Why are you doing that? I said I would do it.” I don’t think I even opened my mouth. He had several days to do it, but he thought that sitting on the couch watching TV and reading the paper was a better use of his time. Until I started doing it for myself, then he wanted to take over.

By Binford2K8

September 22, 2008 11:02 AM | Link to this

Remember, nagging can go both ways.

So if my lady nags me about something trivial, I’ll nag her to go to the adult store and pick out the biggest possible device for her - you know, the ones that say “for novelty use only”. Cause it’d be novel if that thing could actually fit anywhere. Then I’ll nag her as to why she ain’t using it.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 11:06 AM | Link to this

Nurturing: ring… ring… Hey baby, we were on the phone pretty late last night and I just wanted to make sure you got up in time.

Naggin’: ring… ring… Hey baby, you up? Make sure you call me at lunch today.

Nurturing: lunchtime call Hey baby, how are you doing today?

Naggin’: same lunchtime call Why didn’t you call me this morning?

Nuturing: Saturday morning… Baby, would you do me a favor and take care of blah blah…?

Nagging’: When the game is on… Baby, would you do me a favor and take care of blah blah…?

Nurturing: Baby, I picked up this hanging spider plant for you today. You know plants are good for the psyche.

Naggin’: You know, I took down your lucky horseshoe today. It just didn’t look right in here. …now looking at chick sideways, because it’s been looking alright in here to me for the last 10 years.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

@ARed

If a coworker asks me to do something that I say yes too; he/she will be told in that moment that there is a queue. “Your request will be taken care of in order of priority and necessity.”

If after two weeks I haven’t completed my part, tough. Be more proactive with your work. I’m assisting you in a matter, not finishing up your work ahead of mine.

In the case of my SO, it depends on what it is. A bill that needs to be paid -got it right then. Something that if not fixed could lead to a larger problem - got it, maybe not right then but I got it. Something like painting the house - it’ll get done.

My thing is, what is a priority to me in a relationship, I’ll handle, I don’t delegate my needs. With something that my SO wants done, that has to be considered according to import.

And if I’m not married, a threat is a promise. And the woman that threatens me about anything will have to prove to be a woman of her word.

@Mon

Some men get ran in life, some men lead, and some have no clue.

I’mma always do me the way I want to, if you sign up to be on the team, glad to have you.

But I get the whistle, I call the plays and I get the big piece of chicken.

By i'm swiss

September 22, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

@m’karyl — Awww… That was just too d@mn sweet for this blog. I’m gonna have to go catch up w/ my fiance @ lunch and give her a big hug, a kiss & a booty squeeze. ;-) LOL

By MLL

September 22, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

If you’re dating and you’re constantly nagging obviously the person you’re with is NOT the right person for you. However there are some folks who are just outright complainers..Never happy about a darn thing.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

In all fairness, I can understand Ared’s point…if a person willfully gives you his/her word that something will be done…and then fails to act accordingly, then it can be very frustrating…and if the only way that person will subsequently initiate the action is with some stated consequence…that could be said to be threatening a recourse action…like dealing with the *Pavlov Dog Theory”…but I would be like *Foots”…just get up and get it done myself…I have learned that some ppl have this type of behavior as a control/response issue…tehy anticipate a certain response depending on who is in control of the desired/requested action.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

Dan What about taking care of something your SO needs just because it’s important to her? Are you the type of man who would attend to her needs even if you didn’t find it all that important to you?

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

Dan, yeah you sound real manly.

Bottom line, if you tell your SO you’d take care of something, you should do it. Or tell her she’s on her own with it period.

That should go with anything you say you are gonna do, work or otherwise.

As always, “do you.” If the way you handle business works for you, so be it. But since it was my answer, I expect the people in my life to do the things they say they are gonna do, once they commit to it. And they get the same from me in return.

By MLL

September 22, 2008 11:15 AM | Link to this

Foots dude was pure lazy…caring about your safty should have been his number 1 concern.

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this

Foots I guess this is what I don’t quite understand about “how fast something needs to be done”.

Repetitiously bringing attention to matter of safety is not nagging. It’s about priority, and safety is of course very close to hot-button.

If it were me in your house scenario, we would’ve had the new locks and screwdrivers sitting on the back seat on our way to the closing table.

The only reason that we’d need the old key would be to get in to change the locks without having to break a window or bust down the door.

By MLL

September 22, 2008 11:19 AM | Link to this

BK some ppl are slick with it too they can be a nurturing nag LOL

By MELO

September 22, 2008 11:22 AM | Link to this

Some chicks can get away with more because they bring more to the table i agree with that,although i must say,that also depends on how u feeling that woman.Some have good intentions like everybody else,but if u dont feel her that strongly,u will view her good intentions as a nag.Some chics will just rush to want to change and mark territory in your house.These are the insecure ones.You need to move a lil slowly and listen and watch the guy’s leads.His non-verbal communication is what u need to pay attention to,otherwise its easy to nag..

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 11:23 AM | Link to this

If you’re dating and you’re constantly nagging obviously the person you’re with is NOT the right person for you. However there are some folks who are just outright complainers..Never happy about a darn thing

That is so true…and then there are the ppl whose behaviors will force you to become what appears to be a nag or a complainer…contrary acting arses…either way, I am not down for the game…if I have to exude negative behaviors in order to be with someone, then I am out and a fork can be stuck in their arse…some ppl just like to feed on emotionally negative behaviors…and everything they do encourages that type of response from another person…and no amount of patience, reasoning, or rationale articulation can convey a lack of desire to deal on that level.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

@Foots and ARed

Ladies, what I’m saying is that a lightbulb, something small, insignificant and not likely to destroy the property value, you can handle.

If it’s something that needs to be done or it will affect your life, of course, I’m on it.

The difference between those two types of problems is as wide as the grand canyon.

I like to think about what I can get done and how to do it, before asking for help. And even then if it’s something trivial, I may not even bring it up.

And being a man or woman of your word is a zero - sum proposition, you are or you are not. Simple, plain, easy.

What I think we’re getting crossed up on is timeframe. Becuase I don’t do something in your timeframe does not mean it won’t get done. If there is an actual deadline (not an artificial one like “my homegirls are coming over this needs to be done to make the house look nice”) then let me know, and I will have it completed by the deadline - meaning that it was important.

But those requests for deadline specific tasks should be few and far between. In 2008, as an adult, if you not handling your responsibilities - I’m looking at you sideways.

Helpmate means just that - help. Not take over tasks that I don’t want to do.

JMPO

By Wise Diva

September 22, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Binford, way to flip the script, that’s brilliant

By MELO

September 22, 2008 11:27 AM | Link to this

Some chicks can get away with more because they bring more to the table i agree with that,although i must say,that also depends on how u feeling that woman.Some have good intentions like everybody else,but if u dont feel her that strongly,u will view her good intentions as a nag.Some chics will just rush to want to change and mark territory in your house.These are the insecure ones.You need to move a lil slowly and listen and watch the guy’s leads.His non-verbal communication is what u need to pay attention to,otherwise its easy to fall in the nag category.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:30 AM | Link to this

What I think we’re getting crossed up on is timeframe. Becuase I don’t do something in your timeframe does not mean it won’t get done.

No, Dan, it’s not my timeframe. My SO told me he’d take care of X by a certain time. When he doesn’t honor that, I have the right to speak my mind on it.

If it was a consitant problem, I’d move on. But every once in a while, we may have this discussion because you said you were gonna do something and you didn’t. And I’m not wrong for it either.

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 11:31 AM | Link to this

Good Morning People Never been much of a nag because if I have to ask more than once, I’m going to plan B to get it done. This is in the realm of helping me do something around the house. If I talk with you about something I’m not getting in the relationship, then I expect us to come to a mutual understanding. If them problem persists, I’m only going to readdress the issue once more. After that, I’m going to assume that my concerns are non of yours and act accordingly.

By DasV

September 22, 2008 11:32 AM | Link to this

theTruth im sorry you havent found someone worthy of all your ‘goodness’. :) and yea i know… no matter how important: “dammit, how many times im gonna have to tell you to take care of such-n-such ‘fo you do it??” does NOT cut it…. ever

bluK love the scenarios… got me laughing this morning.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 11:34 AM | Link to this

Just thinking about it, I had several problems with that ex and that house. When I bought the house, it was August and there were still a few months left in the grass growing season. I got the yard cut twice by a service, but they were charging $40 for a yard that took all of 45 minutes to cut. I decided that I needed a lawn mower.

I asked him to go with me to pick out one and to help me put it in the car since it was heavy. After three weeks, my yard looked like the field of dreams, so I took myself to Home Depot to get my own dayum lawn mower. I couldn’t lift the box, so somebody put it in the buggy, but no one took it to the car. I struggled with that thing in the parking lot, but I got it in car finally. I took it home and realized that I couldn’t take it out unless I did it piece by piece, so that’s what I did. I put it together, bought a gas can, and practiced starting it by myself.

When he came over and saw I had one and that it was put together and running, of course he said “Why did you go get it by yourself? I said I would go with you. How did you get it home?” I may have hurt my back, but I got the job done.

It was even worse when it came time to actually cut the grass. I asked him to do it several times to no avail, so I went out to do it myself. He was so embarrassed that he came out and offered to take over.

That’s what I mean about doing something just because your SO thinks it’s important. It wasn’t his house, so it wasn’t something that he truly cared about. But I felt like that if he truly cared about me, then he would take care of my needs.

One of the reasons why I’m so handy around the house and yard is because I’ve had to do everything. After the fact, I always have heard “Why didn’t you let me do that? I could have helped.” The simple answer is, because I would have asked, you would have given your word to do it, I still would have had to do it myself, plus I would have lost two weeks in the meantime.

My needs are few and I’m very reasonable about someone’s time. If a man wants me to need him (cause dudes always say that women always talk about how they don’t need a man), then he has to understand that sometimes, MY needs will work outside of his and outside of his timeline. Now, I CAN take care of everything myself all the time. Hell, I learned how to use a brick set this summer and most guys don’t even know what that is. But is that REALLY what a man wants? To have his woman do everything herself and he’s there?

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 11:38 AM | Link to this

Dan Helpmate means just that - help. Not take over tasks that I don’t want to do.

“jewel” ^^^

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:38 AM | Link to this

@ARed

But we’re talking about nagging, mentioning to someone that “you said you’d do this by date X, but you haven’t done it” is not nagging, unless you have to repeat that phrase more than twice.

But if you ask your SO to do something, they say yes, and it doesn’t get done for any reason other than an act of God…then your might wanna check on that.

One thing that I cannot tolerate in life is a person that cannot be trusted…I just don’t need you around me.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:39 AM | Link to this

My needs are few and I’m very reasonable about someone’s time.

Foots, I feel the same way. In addition, I hate asking for help and I like fixing things (remember, I got my own drill at 23). I don’t want you to take care of things that I pay for. Beau checks my car out voluntarily because he cares about my safety, but it is very rare that I depend on him for anything.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 11:39 AM | Link to this

Foots I can piggyback on what you just said, but won’t. I feel you on the lock thing. I too had to change my own because his timeframe didn’t jive w/mine and it was all about safety and my level of comfort.

By Foots

September 22, 2008 11:40 AM | Link to this

Amazon My SO told me he’d take care of X by a certain time. When he doesn’t honor that, I have the right to speak my mind on it.

To avoid nagging, we might need to start setting up tasks like SMART goals at work:

S Specific, M Measurable, A Attainable, R Realistic, T Timeframe.

I thoroughly agree, if someone says they are going to do something, they should do it. If they have a problem completing a task by a certain timeline, they should respect the need enough to say so, so that the person with the need can find another way to solve the problem.

And you know what, it’s even okay to say NO. Don’t even say yes if you have no intention on doing it or if you can’t see the importance of it. That’s better to me than not honoring your word.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:42 AM | Link to this

But we’re talking about nagging

Dan No, we aren’t. My post was not about that.

But if you ask your SO to do something, they say yes, and it doesn’t get done for any reason other than an act of God…then your might wanna check on that.

THAT is what my post was about. Funny how that works.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:44 AM | Link to this

@Foots

You’re talking about a buster. Period. You’re no longer with him, right?

Time reveals the nature of a man or woman. Not just spending time with them, but viewing their actions. If this person has a lot of people in life depending on them for physical or emotional needs, then chances are the people in their lives feel like they can be trusted with that responsibility.

But when little stuff, like you keep leaving an increasing amount of clothes at the house or me not cutting the grass, becomes a problem, the problem is not the action or inaction, the problem is how that person feels about your needs.

Now based on the convo a while back, Footsy if I was gettin’ it from you like you talk…I’da been out there buttnekked at midnight under a half moon running the lawn mower “Cufk the nieghbors!”

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this

@Foots

The scenario that you described is what I define as the control/response behavior game…some ppl seem to believe that it defines who is in control of the relationship by their repsonse to any request/desire of the other person…person A ask person B to assist with something….person B agrees to do so for person A…sometime passes and person B has not initiated the action to complete the request…person A then has to either continue waiting, bring it up again or do it…in any case person B’s response is to always find away to make person A responsible for the subsequent actions…uh-huh.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:45 AM | Link to this

And you know what, it’s even okay to say NO. Don’t even say yes if you have no intention on doing it or if you can’t see the importance of it.

Foots, exactly! I have no problem saying “no,” and feel free to tell me “no” as well. I’d rather that than to be left hanging.

By Beautiful

September 22, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

someone said on here awhile ago act as if. i agree 100%. while in a committed relationship, if you are given total access … act as if. and if you’re a nag, you’ll know sooner or later. don’t worry bout it so much. things will fall into place.

hi ev1!

By Rell - Ared Club President

September 22, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

@truth..so what you come up with from hanging with the couples….you need to spill it before this topic spirals into he versus she

look i have been guilty of being lazy and not getting ish done when i should have….but after a couple of times letting ish slide and having it come back to bite me..now i notice before asked or if asked i do it right away…either she is incapable at the time or just being lazy..either way it has to get done or behavior corrected….sometimes as an adult you should be asking yourself question or just overall daily maintanence on your direction in life..if another adult is in your arse about something then you need to look into…if you dont then you just being shelfish…grow up folks….that is all…and her changing or spurcing up my place or my wardrobe is not nagging…its call sharing what i like dont like with you..if it fits cool…if not then its not a good match..hell men should be doing the same with there women..because remember when she is not with you she represents you….so again if folks complaining about being nagged then there is no room for growth…feel me

By Blue_Kolla

September 22, 2008 11:46 AM | Link to this

Foots It wasn’t his house, so it wasn’t something that he truly cared about. But I felt like that if he truly cared about me, then he would take care of my needs.

See…? Dude didn’t want to step on your independence. LOL But seriously, I have to wonder if you’re walking around with your chest aired up, talkin’ ‘bout you “don’t need no man.”

Hell, I learned how to use a brick set this summer and most guys don’t even know what that is.

I’m handy as hayo, and I don’t know what that is. Tell me before I go and google it.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 11:47 AM | Link to this

May I change the subject for one minute. Having a debate on the definition of a “Cougar”. I thought it was a woman 40+ aging well. A female friend said it was an old lady dating younger men. I disagree. Which one is it?

By Limbo

September 22, 2008 11:48 AM | Link to this

What do you think constitutes a nurturing woman?

A nurturing woman is one who knows that nothing can ensure her happiness and nothing can destroy it either.

What makes one a nag?

The tendency to judge men’s performance: Did he cut the glass? Did he change the light bulb?

Do you think that women should give constructive criticism to the men they date?

No, they should only ask what they want. Criticism or negativism is not allowed.

How do you handle dating a nurturing woman?

A nurturing woman can handle her own.

How do you handle a nagging one?

Dump her.

Do you think dating relationships often blur the line between nurture and nag, like you two are an old married couple? How do you handle that?

The very concealed truth about mating (a.k.a relationship in modern culture) is that females take all mating decisions; men are just props women use to fulfill their fantasies. So the contrast between nagging and nurturing is just some more b.s that human females use to try to justify their mating decisions. Trust me; females are as confused about their mating decisions – it just does not make sense to them. Knowing that you are an imperfect human at the same time trying to keep the image of the gender that the society consider “innocent” is not an easy task. Maybe trying to nurture grown up men would keep the image intact; in case that won’t do…..call it nagging i.e. we tried and failed because we just tried too much…..

By Atl Lady

September 22, 2008 11:51 AM | Link to this

Foots ^^^5 your 11:34 post. I went through the same thing. I learned that a lot men nowadays aren’t going to do it unles they’re getting paid or they feel bad that a woman is doing something they feel like they should be doing. My last SO got angry because my dad and a friend of his came over to help me with a large yard project. Sometbing I had asked him to help me out with over a month prior. I told he had one of two choices. He can either get his a$$ out there and help them or get the steppin’.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:52 AM | Link to this

..either way it has to get done or behavior corrected….sometimes as an adult you should be asking yourself question or just overall daily maintanence on your direction in life..if another adult is in your arse about something then you need to look into…if you dont then you just being shelfish…grow up folks….that is all

Rell, I love it great post. I’m tired of all the unnecessary “battles” that exist between men and women.

You tell us that we shouldn’t flaunt our “independence” but then show us you can’t be “depeneded” on. Where does it end.

If I ask you do something, it’s because I respect you and think you can handle business. It’s certainly not a task mean to emasculate you.

By AmazonRed

September 22, 2008 11:53 AM | Link to this

A female friend said it was an old lady dating younger men

Leggs, that’s what I understand it to be. Though it represents a “HOT” older woman, who sets her sights on younger men.

By Dan

September 22, 2008 11:56 AM | Link to this

Ya’ll keep talking like these former SO’s are cumlative of the male experience….

Remember, you broke up with him for a reason….

And I doubt that it had less to do with the trivial and more to do with trust, respect, and love issues.

But that’s them dudes…

By The Truth

September 22, 2008 11:56 AM | Link to this

Foots the dudes actions were a symptom of a larger problem. That incident may have happened when you were in phaseout mode. Meaning he was already through with it but would hang around as long as you were on all 4’s. Kind of like a chick hanging around as long as ol boys still spending cash. Btw, how’d that thing end? LOL

Das it’s not a matter of being worthy but I’m not some uninformed, not able to handle business kind of guy. If I was I would have taken the first thing coming down the pike.

Ladies, security needs are not a major issue for guys so depending on how much experience he has with women he may not see the importance. It may SEEM obvious but for many guys its not. Thats why they walk out the house and leave the door unlocked. Either that or they have a large insurance policy on you and just read about the higher home invasion rates in the area. LOL

By For Real

September 22, 2008 11:56 AM | Link to this

nagging happens due to poor communication skills by women. example:

Chick: Hey baby do you mind getting my insert something totally useless when you get a chance?

Dude: No problem baby.

What Chick really ment was:

Chick: I need my insert something totally useless right now but i’m too lazy to go get for myself and besides you ain’t doing nothing important and i’m on the phone with my mamma, my sister, and my girlfriend plus i’m thinking about doing my nails and what i will wear to work on Monday even tho today is Saturday and I just realized i don’t have a pair of shoes to go with the outfit i’m thinking about wearing on Monday and besides you just sitting there watching dayummm football while i’m doing all the work around the house.

By Leggs

September 22, 2008 12:01 PM | Link to this

Alrighty then. Trying to figure out why AJC won’t accept my picture. I did put on my caption “Proud to be a Cougar”. However, what the meaning seems to be is not what I was trying to convey. I’ll have to send pic in with a different caption. Thanks.

By M'Karyl

September 22, 2008 12:02 PM | Link to this

@Leggs

i am withARed* on the definition of a cougar…thought it meant the same thing…wha do they call a man in the same scenario…a maverick????

@ARed

I’m tired of all the unnecessary “battles” that exist between men and women

Yeah, it gets old and tired very quickly…I am a human being with a complete backstory of life experiences…not a gender object.

You tell us that we shouldn’t flaunt our “independence” but then show us you can’t be “depeneded” on. Where does it end.

I have been told on numerous occassions that I am too independent…but if I allow myself the luxury of believing that I can rely on another person’s support…well, give me CPR or call me DOA…and does it end…yes, when I finally little red henned my arse down the road…lol

By For Real

September 22, 2008 12:04 PM | Link to this

Foots: For Real will you….

For Real: No.

Foots: But you don’t know what I was going to ask.

For Real: No.

Foots: All I was gon ask is if…

For Real: No.

Foots: That is so rude. You don’t even know what I want. How can you say No?

For Real: NO.

Foots: Why? I could be asking you to do something freaky.

For Real: Women only ask men to things they themselves do not want to do. Oh and why can’t you take the trash out sometimes?

By Poppa Grande

September 22, 2008 12:05 PM | Link to this

AR

You tell us that we shouldn’t flaunt our “independence” but then show us you can’t be “depeneded” on. Where does it end.

It ends when you meet the right one. Laziness or selfishness is a trait that is easy cover up a first, but when the representative leaves and the real person emerges you see those traits.

It is not a male v. female things either. Trifling people come in both genders, all races, national origins and creeds.

Unfortunately, in this climate of entitlement that is out there, we all run into people whose word isn’t worth the dog poop that was on the bottom of my shoe this morning.

It