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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2008 > August
August 2008
Wearing Stilettos in my Kitchen
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am officially filing my closing blog report on the last guy - what’s his face. He had potential to be my Summer Fling, but alas, he ticked me off before I could throw a hotdog on the grill!
It seems that the major point of contention (read: his only beef with me), was the fact that he thought I could be the woman he wanted me to be instead of the woman that I actually am.
So this brings me to my blog confession: I am not domestic. I don’t own fancy china or chaffing dishes. When I throw parties, I have catered food brought in or I find a super easy recipe. I live in a condo but I still want a maid. I’m no Donna Reed. I don’t own a vacuum cleaner (mostly hardwood floors) and I am not into pearl necklaces.
I am far from being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. I am wearing hot shoes in the kitchen when I come home for work. As I reach in my fridge to make a quick dinner of salad and popcorn, I feel deliciously blissful.
That sound you hear right now is my dating stock falling. At least according to many males who are mid-30s and up.My question is this: do I need to get domesticated to get a guy my age? It seems that the younger guys are not as set on the traditional roles for women, as much as their older counterparts.
Guys, how important is it to you to have a woman who is domesticated, and happy to be in that Donna Reed role? If you are comfortable with domestic duties, would you be willing to share/take on the task of cooking, cleaning, etc?
Have you ever had someone you were dating shower you with domestic attention (washing clothes, assisting with household tasks, etc.) ? Did that make you feel more loved/appreciated then, say.. when a woman would make dinner reservations? Or schedule a visit to your bachelor pad by the Maid Brigade?
Ladies, do you find that your degree (s), accomplishments, and/or careers convince potential partners that you would not be ideal for marriage? What do you do to offset the stereotypes of “modern women” that a lot of men dislike so much? Do you find yourself playing up your domestic side so that the guy can observe and take notice? Have you ever been dumped because you lacked the Donna Reed gene?
Today is Lurker Day! All of our silent readers can join in and say hello. We promise we won’t bite!
Regular Blog Cast: Let’s keep it light! I heart you all for joining in every week!
Permalink | Comments (287) | Post your comment | Categories: Marriage
Cut Off Time
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Whether you are in a relationship, situationship, or married, when the bedroom action gets cut off, things can get tense, rather quickly. When is it ever acceptable to cut somebody off? Is this grounds for breaking up with someone?
I was talking to my friend Ryan about his relationship with his girlfriend. After eight months of new romance bliss, things have hit a rough patch. Ryan said that he hasn’t seen any action in weeks. He doesn’t think he is in the doghouse, and he said that she didn’t seem like the type to withhold from him (whatever type that is?). Now he is trying to decide if it’s worth it to work through the issues and get back on track.
My guess is she will run out of excuses and will eventually have to explain what is really going on with her. When a lady decides to stop sharing her body with her man, she always has a reason.
Over dinner last week, I told him he was being hasty by calling up exes to find some extracurricular activity. Sure, it could make him feel better, uh for a few minutes, but shouldn’t he decide what he wants to do first?
Do you think he has a right to find action elsewhere since he was cut off from his girlfriend? Guys, how would you handle this situation? Have you ever cut off someone? What were the reasons?
Ladies, have you ever dated someone and decide to “cut them off”? What were your reasons? How did you handle it with your mate/SO? Would it bother you if you knew that your man would dump you if the bedroom action was cut off?
Permalink | Comments (284) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Bitter, Party of One!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You want to know the most treacherous kinds of single people to meet on the dating scene? The ever so charming Mister/Miss Bitter. They may look like shiny happy people when you first meet, but it won’t be long before the bitterness surfaces.
I speak from experience, mind you, on both sides. I have BEEN Miss Bitter and I have dated the Mayor of Bitter City: not fun. My favorite “very smart brothas” had 3 great signs of a Bitter Guy:
You’re proudly unchivalrous. Nothing else screams “I’m bitter” louder than a grown man who’s practically excited to get the opportunity to let everyone else know all the things they’d never do for a woman
Words such as “all” and “every” always seem to find a way into their sentences when speaking negatively about the opposite sex
Denial. Me bitter? Not at all. I’m just a little more practical now, that’s all
Allow me to give the guys 3 possible signs of Miss Bitter: She exhibits extreme gold-digger behavior. The new guy literally has to pay for the sins of the last man that did her wrong.
Hostile statements about men: All men are dogs and should be stripped of their tongues and forced to live on a remote island (Did anyone ever see the film Matchstick Men?)
Incapable of accepting any compliment from the opposite sex. It doesn’t matter if it is respectable or indecent. She takes any and all compliments as a calculated attempt to get her into bed, and subsequently dog her out.
The good news is that Bitter Singles will eventually get past their anger, hurt, and disappointment. Sometimes it takes that one patient person that breaks down the walls that have been put up.
Do you think you are a bitter single? Are you working towards becoming less bitter? Have you met or dated someone who turned out to be bitter about relationships? How did you handle it?
My personal message/advice to bitter singles? GET OVER YOURSELVES! No one has the market cornered on being hurt. Remember, you chose the person that pummeled your heart. So next time be more selective, and choose better.
Permalink | Comments (204) | Post your comment | Categories: Breakups
Doing It Like A Professional
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In a society that rewards morally questionable behavior, it is not all that shocking to see the results of a recent survey that says among 435 individuals surveyed,27 percent of men and 14 percent of women were willing to trade favors or gifts for sex.. That’s right, in college, when you are supposed to be broke, getting a few things through the so called “socioeconomic currency system” is a real option for them.
The reality is that mixing business for some pleasure happens on the dating scene too. I know men and women that “barter” their looks or bodies in exchange for all kinds of perks, gifts, jewelry, etc. I have also seen this play out in the workplace.
Have you ever used your looks or your body to get ahead at work?
Have you ever bartered sex for services or material things? Did it ever make you feel uncomfortable? What do you think are the pros and cons of this type of arrangement?
What do you think about the socioeconomic currency system on the dating scene? Is it a minefield for drama and bad karma? Or do you think that all is fair in sex and bartering?
Permalink | Comments (250) | Post your comment | Categories: Current Events
Which one are you?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Single people have an uncanny habit of assigning people they meet into certain categories: potential booty-call candidate, possible girlfriend/boyfriend, or use them for personal gain.
Yeah, I know. It’s not fair or even fun to be relegated to some of these. It’s frustrating to come to the realization that you have been tagged for booty, but at the very least, you know how much to invest.
At this very moment, I have 3 gentleman in hot pursuit of assigning me to each of the categories. Since I am what is considered a dating veteran (reading: inching on old maid status), I can spot the behavior of the guys and respond accordingly.
I don’t waste my good lipstick and hot shoes on Mr. New Booty. I reserve weekend nights for Mr. She Can Be My Girl, and Mr. I Need a Hookup gets put on the DNA (do not answer) list in my cell phone.
If you are dating someone new, how do you determine what their intentions are? Do you generally decide by the actions, words, money or time spent? Do you know by a hybrid of all of these? Do you think that single people should drop this bad habit, or does it serve us well?
Guys, what causes a woman’s long-term relationship potential profile to rise with you? Aside from her cup size and how she looks in those jeans, how do you identify the ones that are jumpoffs and the ones that you take home to Mom one day?
Ladies, when you meet a new guy, do you size men up for these categories? Aside from hot bodies and flashy cars, how do you figure out which guys you wear the good lipstick and hot shoes for and which one is put on the DNA list?
If you are dating someone right now, do you know which category you have been put in? Are you trying to figure it out? Feel free to ask our readers to help you. They are, after all, dating veterans too!
Permalink | Comments (185) | Post your comment | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Keeping the faith in interfaith relationships
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My best friend called the other day with a religious relationship quandary of sorts. Her boyfriend, a quasi-practicing Muslim, informed her he’s abstaining from partying, drinking and sex during Ramadan next month.
“Rachel,” who wasn’t really raised with religion but is a default Christian, was perplexed by his no-booze no-sex policy. When I asked why she was upset, she replied that her boyfriend, who is new to Islam, wasn’t really able to answer her questions about why such fasting is important to his faith or him personally. I think she hoped he’d have firm personal reasons for his choice and would be able to share the experience with her.
I’ve not encountered this type of situation, though I’ve often dated outside my religion. I was raised Protestant, but have dated several Jewish men. Our faiths have never really been an issue, save for the occasional “shiksa” comment from outsiders. However, I’ve wondered how that would change should children come into the picture; how would we raise them? Further, while I know a number of women who have converted to their husband’s religion, I don’t believe I could make that adjustment.
Have many of you have experienced interfaith dating? How important is sharing the same faith when it comes to marriage? Do you think it can work, and how? And for some of you, is spirituality paramount to religion and/or denomination?
(I’m out on assignment all day today, but Happy Friday in advance!)
Permalink | Comments (174) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
When the family loves the Ex
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Enough of my problems. Today’s topic comes from a MIA reader who needs some help. Meet “Odd Man Out,” a divorced father whose family insists on inviting his ex to family functions. Here’s what he wrote in a couple emails to yours truly. (I am editing for length):
I have succumbed to not attending these functions because of the “ick” factor, but miss my family as the familial bonds have practically ended since I am missing important dates.
My family does not see the problem…
There were none of the typical reasons that marriages/relationships falter. No mention of infidelity, abuse, finance troubles, or any of the “biggies”. Our daughter was born in October. We married in December (not because of being pregnant). We had been discussing it all along, but this just helped make the decision final. In April, I arrived home from work and was notified that she didn’t feel like being married or a parent.
In the beginning she was not invited on family functions. Weirdly, this began after I became involved with someone else after being alone for three years! (I am raising our daughter.) I should also mention that this seems to be spearheaded by my brother’s household, but they assume the role of social planners and plan most of the functions. No clue as to what happened to cause anyone to “choose sides.” She just began receiving invitations.
I have had a discussion with [my brother] and his response was that if a person is mature and reasonable, being around your exes shouldn’t pose a problem.
“Odd Man Out” wants to know a few things. 1) Does this seem appropriate to any of you? 2) How should he communicate his thoughts to his family? And 3) How should he handle these functions now that he is dating someone new?
Sidenote: I’m embarking on a two-day business trip today and will be largely MIA on the MIA blog. I’ll try to check in when I get a WiFi connection on the road. Be good to “OMO!”
Permalink | Comments (274) | Post your comment | Categories: Family
Is timing really everything?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Good morning all! My apologies for recent technical problems. Just know I’m on it and our tech crew is trying to work it out. Thanks for your patience!
And now to today’s topic…
When my first love and I broke up in college, we said to each other that had we met in our late 20s we likely would have gotten married. Easy to say, of course, given that we were then just 19 and 21 years old.
We had our problems, but often chalked them up to timing; we thought we were simply too young for a marriage-bound relationship. We stopped talking for the most part, but then one of us would place a random call for coffee or dinner every year or so. And each time, we reminisced about the good and bad of our relationship and discussed getting back together….eventually.
I graduated and moved away. He joined the military and moved even further. We last saw each other two years ago and just as we had since our split, we fell into the “I still love yous” that had plagued us since 2000.
But as always, the timing “wasn’t right,” especially given our careers and physical distance.
Sometimes I wonder if timing had nothing to do with it at all. If two people honestly care about and want eachother, can said present challenges stand in the way? Is “timing” just an excuse for not really wanting to be with someone?
When has timing impacted your relationships? Looking back, was it really about the time or about your interest? I’m open for all thoughts on why timing really is everything.
Permalink | Comments (205) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Seeing the ex: fight or flight?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend “Jasmine” was at a salsa club Saturday taking men by storm with her dance moves. But then she noticed a familiar face — her ex-boyfriend’s.
Though they broke up last March, she immediately lost her confidence. Her smile faded, her dance steps slowed, and before we knew it, “Jasmine” was having a panic attack in the ladies room. She insisted that she wanted to leave before he saw her.
“Jasmine” was experiencing fight or flight and was praying for some wings, so my girlfriend pulled her aside for some straight talk. Wasn’t this the guy who was a lousy boyfriend? Didn’t they have an almost non-existent sex life because of his issues? Wasn’t she relieved they were no longer together? More importantly, how can she go from fabulous and beautiful just moments before to thinking she didn’t deserve to stand on the dance floor with him?
“Jasmine” decided to fight, but I don’t mean literally. Instead, she forced herself to smile and returned to the salsa scene. She asked the best men to dance and twirled her way to laughter. And when she finally got the courage, she even asked her Ex if he wanted to join her for a song.
His response? Confusion. He made some poor excuse for being tired and sulked out of the club, leaving her spinning in the arms of another man.
The moment may seem insignificant to some, but for “Jasmine,” it meant regaining her ground in their formerly unequal relationship. This was the moment she finally felt free.
How have you handled running into exes when the breakup still hurts? Did you hold your head high and engage them, or keep your distance? And at what moment did you know you had finally broken free of breakup blahs?
Permalink | Comments (150) | Post your comment | Categories: Breakups
Pickier with age? Is instant spark a must?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’m meditating on the word “picky” as I write this blog. On a recent first date, my suitor (let’s call this guy Jack) informed me he hadn’t asked anyone out since his last relationship, a three-month courtship, ended in March.
I was a little incredulous. He’s hilarious, smart, successful and well, really good-looking. When I asked why the dating time-out, he explained that at 38 years old, he knows what he’s looking for and doesn’t waste time with those who don’t fit the bill. Further, if he doesn’t feel that special instant chemistry, he knows that the pairing is not for him.
I suppose I should feel flattered that I made the cut, but instead, I began to reconsider my own dating practices. Do I date too much? Should I feel spontaneous magic with someone before accepting a first outing invitation? Certainly, I don’t say yes to every man who asks for my time, but I do often find myself in first ventures in hopes that the rare spark may develop.
Something about Jack’s dating outlook is clicking with me. Maybe I should change the criteria for reasons to accept a first date. Making me laugh can go a long way, but perhaps I should hold out for the guy who instantly makes me swoon. In other words, I think I need to be pickier.
What does it take for you to explore a first date with someone? Do you take a casual “why not” approach, or do you have high standards when it comes to spending one-on-one time with someone new? How has it changed as you have aged?
And lastly, do you think your heart (even you, fellas) should jump at first meeting, or is the guy or gal who makes you laugh just as good?
Permalink | Comments (289) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
When I Became a Man
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I wanted to switch things up for Friday, and per constant request, I’ve asked one of our more outspoken readers, 2 Can Play That Game, to take center stage, and give us a topic for Friday.
But when I became a Man……I “put away childish things.” Now, as I’m sure you’ll notice, there is no age requirement in this statement. It simply says “when.” Fellas, if you were anything like me, it took some time before you put away childish things. Now, I’m not talking about your X-Box, Nintendo’s, and the like. Mind you, I still want a Wii, even if it is for the “low-low”. No, when I say put away the childish things, I am referring to your thought process. Do you think as a child? Understand as a child, are you still on milk?
We’ve heard far too many times about “boys wearing men’s clothing,” “mama’s boys,” or “man-child.” However, fellas, you have to ask yourself, does the shoe fit? Are you a boy perpetrating manhood because you merely look the part? Or are you fulfilling the fiduciary charge that was given to you? Charge? Yes, because it was man who was given a direct order.
Now, I won’t give you a whole run-down of the events of the Book of Genesis, but y’all know how it went down: Eve got caught up, then Adam followed suit. However, God didn’t step in until AFTER man failed, for lack of a better word, because He held man accountable. What was the first thing out of man’s mouth? “That woman you gave me..” Imagine that!
Some men are still shirking their responsibilities, and deflecting blame on the ladies. I’m not going to use my air time (Thank you Diva), to bash my fellow brethren, but what I do want to do is put the onus back on us to “take charge”. More specifically, to take charge in our relationships.
The way I see it, and I don’t mean to sound chauvinistic, because I’m not a “Bossy Dude”, I am a “Boss Dude,” I believe the man is supposed to be the head. But with that role comes responsibilities. Blaming females for “not respecting you,” “killing your manhood,” is garbage to me. First of all, one has to allow himself to be disrespected; second, “cain’t” nobody steal my manhood!
Now, before y’all start on me, I’m not saying go out beat ya chest, and gather a harem. No. But man up, and you’d be surprised how much your stock will rise.
Ladies, how can you tell if you’re meeting a boy in a man’s clothing? Does his actions say it, or does his “uniform” give him away?
Fellas, have you put away childish things? Are you accepting the responsibility placed upon you?
Permalink | Comments (271) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Not your mother’s dating scene
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In a recent NPR produced report for Youth Radio, correspondent Pendarvis Harshaw coined a trend among some young people: Unprotected sex, the new engagement ring.
When I heard the piece, my first thoughts were about young people and how scary this line of thinking could be for them. After further contemplation, I put this same idea in the context of mature people my age and older…and it is STILL scary in many ways. Do you think that making the decision to stop using protection is more meaningful than deciding to marry?
When many of us are delaying marriage, or skipping it altogether, it should not shock me that there are non-traditional ideals about commitment and intimacy in modern day romance. However, I wonder if we are developing a skewed perception about what it means to commit.
To wit: Mr. Harshaw stated that, agreeing to unprotected intimacy “shows trust, commitment, and the prospect of a shared future; an engagement more practical than spending money on a piece of jewelry for a marriage that might not pass the test of time.” What are your thoughts?
If you are dating someone, do you feel comfortable using unprotected sex as a sign of commitment? At what point are you willing to take it to this level? Is this a trust issue? Health issue? Both?
What means more commitment to you: engagement ring or unprotected intimacy?
Permalink | Comments (352) | Post your comment | Categories: Current Events
Have we met?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday I griped about the people who purposely oversell themselves to get more attention from the opposite sex. Today, I wanted to discuss the people who are a little oblivious to the fact that they are not who they say/think they are. Specifically, women! Ladies, bear with me because I may have to throw a few of us under the proverbial girly bus today.
My guy decoder, Panama, has argued with me about his theory about women and their “representatives” and he actually won this particular argument. He wrote, “Most women aren’t who they say they are when you first begin dating them. I’m well aware that many men misrepresent themselves. However, there is one major difference. Those men are maliciously and deceivingly misrepresenting themselves in attempts to procure nudity; women ACTUALLY think they are the people they say they are.”
I had to finally concede and admit that even in my 30s, I am still learning about the “relationship” me and the “single” me. Honestly, I do seem to change a lot when I am in a committed relationship. Although, I don’t think I become a totally different person, I have found that when I become more emotionally invested in guy,some insecurities creep in and I have to keep them in check. That’s just one particular area that I recognize, but the guys I have dated pointed out others. It is always good when you date someone that can call you on your behavior!
Guys, do you agree with my buddy when he says that women aren’t who they think they are in terms of personality, character, etc.? Have you ever dated a woman who started out behaving one way, then as you two became serious, she totally flipped the script on you? How did you handle it?
Ladies, do you think that you are self-aware about your “relationship” self? Do you think you change when you become more involved in a relationship with a new guy? How do you deal with these changes without looking like a neurotic, split-personality, wacknut? Have you ever dated a guy who showed his true colors after months of dating, that made you think, who ARE you and have we met!?
Self-actualization is your friend people, Google it!
Permalink | Comments (296) | Post your comment | Categories: He Said/She Said
It Takes More
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dear Atlanta Singles: May I have your attention, please? Stop overselling your goods. It’s ridiculous how many people I meet who are models, actors, real estate giants, or my ALL time favorite, music producers!
Do not tell me you are a model when you only have photos on Myspace. Do not tell me you are an actor when you have been an extra in a music video. Do Not tell me you are a real estate mogul when you are not even licensed in the State of Georgia, and please for the love of all that is holy, do NOT tell me you are a music producer, when you are actually ASPIRING to be one while working as an intern at your local church’s studio.
Many singles are a little detached from reality. I am all for being confident and proud of who you are, believe me, I am a legend in my mind. It just bothers me when people exaggerate their success, wealth, or possessions because they think this is what will bring them success on the dating scene.
Sadly, there are those who are drawn to the models, actors, and music producers as a means to social climbing. If you advertise yourself in such a way, you should be prepared to deal with these people, though. I have always heard that you attract people by the qualities you display, and you keep them by the qualities you possess.
Have you ever met the self-proclaimed model/actor/producer on the dating scene?
Guys, have you had experiences with women who claim to be something that they are not to impress you? How did you handle it when you found out they over hyped themselves? Have you noticed how other single men try to compete with you on the dating scene by flashing their status, wealth, or celebrity?
Ladies, do you meet guys who think that these lines impress us? Yesterday we revisited the occupation of a person, but when do you really inquire about what a guy does? How does it come up? Are you ever concerned about coming across as a gold digger when you mingle with the successful, wealthy men?
I always tell guys who try to hype themselves that it takes more than a nice ride and lucrative job to get me excited. I believe that a person who needs all these extras to land a mate, has little else to offer. At the same time, I think successful and powerful men are extremely sexy. Is it possible to find a nice middle ground?
Permalink | Comments (278) | Post your comment | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Relax your rules
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In honor of my 3 year blogiversary,(I know! I can’t believe they have kept me around either!), I am posting one of my favorite entries for nostalgia’s sake. Thank you for your support and happy Monday!!
Judging the book by the cover. Jumping to conclusions. Whatever you call it, there is no denying we are all guilty of it. Is it wrong to profile people on the dating scene? There are a lot of questions that need to be answered and explored, so this week we are going to focus on The Date Profilers, which means all of us singles!
It’s natural to look for compatibility in dating because that increases the chances of things flowing smoothly if a relationship is pursued later. There are times when profiling people is not only a good idea, but it is necessary. The question then becomes, when do we take it too far?
We seem to meet people, label them, categorize them, then gather “evidence” to measure how they would stack up against our own preconceived ideas. How do we find a nice balance between good and bad mate profiling? The lines can become blurry, but hopefully by the end of this week, we will figure out what is appropriate, what is unfair, and what is necessary.
I want to start with occupation. I think we all have racked up a great deal of dating experiences by now. We have dated people from all walks of life, occupations, and careers.
Is there a particular profession you prefer not to date? If so, what are your reasons?
What “occupational hazards” have you associated with people you date?
From your dating experiences, do you “type cast” people who are lawyers, athletes, artists, musicians, television broadcasters, Radio DJ’s, or sales people? These are a few occupations of the men who have courted me. I can easily identify a certain type of personality in a few of these but I will let you guys share your own observations and stories today!
Do you think our career/ jobs (or lack thereof) define who we are and how we date?
Permalink | Comments (164) | Post your comment | Categories: About Wise Diva
What’s on your checklist for a mate?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
After a series of disappointing relationships, a mentor of mine posed a terrifyingly simple question: Blanca, what are the top five traits you seek in a partner?
I thought I’d be able to rattle them off, but it wasn’t as easy as I thought. Scholarly? Charitable? Attractive? Reliable? Tolerant? Religious? Funny? Successful?
Her point was that maybe I wasn’t focusing on what I really wanted, and if I did, I wouldn’t waste my time with people who weren’t in my vision. (And yes, I’ve still wasted some time since!)
After much gnashing of teeth and adjective-filled contemplation, I whittled my ideal partner’s qualities to this:
1) Family-oriented 2) Honest 3) Passionate 4) Public service-minded 5) Humor
Your turn: what are the five most important qualities you seek in a mate?
Permalink | Comments (263) | Post your comment |
Navigating age gaps in relationships
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I like to think I date a spectrum of ages, but more than once in my romantic life I’ve gone out with a much older man.
The first time was in college. At the time, I had an off-campus apartment and began a friendship with a neighbor some eight years older than myself. That friendship evolved into a relationship, despite his early reticence because of my age (then 20).
I dabbled in the older man spectrum a few times more, once with a guy 15 years my senior (that ended terribly) and another 12 years older (which ended mildly).
I’ve heard the concerns about such relationships: “What do they talk about?” or “He’s just using her as arm candy!” and “He just wants a young woman to bear his kids.” The first problem has never been an problem, the second complaint is possible, and heck, things ended before pregnancy was an issue.
In the past few years I’ve stuck with guys closer to my age, and have even found myself criticizing older men who seek those 22-year-olds for, well, any number of things. (Pot and kettle, I know!)
Now in my late 20s, I have a completely new dating dilemma: dating a younger man. I’ve never done it, save for a high school boyfriend two months younger, because I’ve never been attracted to someone born during the Reagan Administration. I’m looking for a serious relationship and kids (hopefully) in the next five years or so, but are men in their early 20s even thinking about that?
Fellas — what was on your mind during that period of your life? Sex? Career? Family? And to all of you, what age gap are you comfortable with in your relationships? What are some of the problems and blessings you experienced from them?
Permalink | Comments (250) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Excuse me ma’am, but your husband is gay.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When I moved to the South, I thought I lost an important tool: my gaydar. I routinely met men I believed were gay, only to discover they either only dated women or were married to them.
I mourned the loss of my sixth sense, but then a co-worker clued me in: Blanca, if you think they are gay, it’s likely because they Are.
Obviously this isn’t always true, but I’ve since learned that some of the couplings I questioned were indeed what I suspected.
As we all know, Atlanta has an expansive, vibrant and seemingly supportive gay community, but some men (and women) instead choose a traditional partnership with someone of the opposite sex. In some cases, their spouse knows, while in others it can either be a lifelong secret or a Jerry Springer episode.
Have you ever dated or married someone only to discover he or she is gay? And if you know of a straight person married to a possibly gay person, would you talk to him or her about it?
Further, are you gay and living as a straight person? If so, I’d love your perspective on this issue.
And not to type myself out of a job, but it seems time for MIA to bring on a gay moderator, don’t you agree? Regardless of whether we’re straight, gay or transgender, we all go through many of the same issues.
July 7th writer’s note: After publishing this blog, I received some feedback from readers and advocacy groups about terminology used. As a result, I’ve tweaked the entry where appropriate. Thanks for reading!
Permalink | Comments (371) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Dr. Daddy — Dating a divorcee
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Up until a year or so ago, I was staunchly against dating a divorcee or a man with children, but then I met a man my friends quickly dubbed “Dr. Daddy.” (He is an actual doctor, thus the name.)
He is smart, successful, good-looking and we initially had great chemistry. That said, we differed on some topics, such as when I should meet the children.
I thought we should wait until the relationship was established for several months before bringing me into their lives; after all, their mother had flaked out and if he and I failed, I feared they’d be confused and hurt. He, however, perhaps rightfully told me that I shouldn’t worry about his kids and that they (at 7 and 11) wouldn’t be as affected as I feared. Plus, he had custody, and it was difficult for him to see me while taking care of his children nearly full-time.
I met the children within a month of us dating, and they are beautiful, bright and loving. And in just a few weeks, they were running to hug me when I visited and often asked me to cuddle and play.
Not long after, things began to sour with their father. Dr. Daddy was still reeling from the break-up of his 12 year marriage, and I was in essence dating his divorce.
It’s great when a guy wants to talk about his proverbial feelings, but it wasn’t easy to listen to him when his feelings were wrapped up in pain caused by another woman. I finally told him I was uncomfortable that all of our conversations were about his ex-wife, and he accused me of being an uncaring partner. (I countered that there’s a difference between partner and psychologist.)
The courtship crumbled and I saw the children maybe once more. Still not sure how Dr. Daddy explained things to them, but I know that it’s his responsibility — not mine. Still, sometimes I wish I had followed my gut.
How many of you have dated folks fresh from divorce, or as a divorcee yourself? How do you know what’s appropriate to talk about with a new partner?
Also, what are your thoughts on when to introduce romantic partners to your children?
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Friends to lovers - worth the risk?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My best friend and I have dramatically different dating habits. While I typically meet men through life’s random events and never date friends or co-workers, her past is full of old friends and colleagues. (In fact, her current squeeze shared her cubicle before they shared her bedroom.)
She said she isn’t attracted to someone from jump and takes a couple months to become interested. But I wonder if she’s just going for the low-hanging fruit of dating.
She thinks I’m closing myself off to potentially great relationships because of my guidelines, and argues that there’s a safety and comfort in dating someone you already know to be a good person.
My no-friends policy is grounded in two thoughts: one, I don’t want to lose the friendship if things sour, and two, I look for instant electricity. Chances are if we’re in friend mode, it’s because that fire didn’t exist between us initially. (Yes, yes…there are exceptions, such as relationships with other people, etc. But in those cases, I revert to reason No. 1; I don’t want to lose my buddy.)
I’m beginning to wonder if I’m losing out. Could Mr. Right be sitting Right beside me and I’m too stuck in my rules to see it?
Have any of you dated a friend, only to lose him or her if things tank? What about times it flourished? And more importantly, is it worth the risk?
(For the record, I’m willing to reconsider the friend rule, but I’m sticking to my guns with co-workers. Talk about inviting a hot mess into the work place!)
Permalink | Comments (276) | Post your comment | Categories: Matters of the Heart
It’s Under Control
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Jennifer Hudson is scheduled to perform in the city this weekend. I am checking my VIP access connections to see if I can catch her singing, Spotlight. Jennifer sings, Are you a man who loves and cherishes and cares for me?/ Are you a guard in a prison, maximum security
When I first heard this song, I immediately thought of a controlling boyfriend I once had. As we said yesterday, I have him to thank for this gem: Careful what you wish for when you say you want an attentive boyfriend. Now I have my “attentive boyfriend within reason and compliance of Georgia laws” disclaimer!
Jennifer’s song reminds me of a funny quote by comedian Fred Allen: I won’t say I hate you - but my admiration for you is under control. My buddy Phillip has this theory about women. He believes that although women say they want admiration, it’s actually a real problem when it happens.
According to him, in many ways, we constantly uphold this social ideal as a requirement for wooing us, yet being put on a pedestal becomes a turn off. Now I believe there is a huge difference between being put on a pedestal and being put on a GPS tracking device.
We argue about this theory all the time because he doesn’t think a happy medium can exist for women. We either want the admiration or we complain that we don’t have the admiration. I agree with Fred Allen, keep the admiration under control and we will get along fine! What do you think?
Guys, have you ever dated a woman who put you on a pedestal? Did she make you feel as if you were the king of her world? Did it make you happy being adored and catered to like this? Were you creeped out by her constant attention?
Ladies, have you ever dated a man who took his admiration for you beyond reasonable? Do you think women ironically want admiration but feel uncomfortable when they get it?
Thanks to our beloved Raqi for this topic idea.
HAPPY FRIDAY!
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