Misadventures in Atlanta

By Sugar

August 14, 2008 8:18 AM | Link to this

Let’s see, an engagement ring wont get me pregnant, or cause an STD.

Unprotected sex can get me pregnant or kill me.

I’ll that the ring thank you.

Anyone who has unprotected sex is an idiot in today’s times. Unless you have been with your partner for numerous years, it’s just plain stupid not to protect yourself.

If you don’t want the responsibility of a child, then take the necessary precautions.

This is a very stupid topic for the adults on this blog.

By Raqi

August 14, 2008 8:25 AM | Link to this

Wow. Well since you put it like that…

Commitment is an agreement between the two individuals. A ring nor a act of intimacy makes it so. You have to agree and act accordingly. And then you can’t be to sure. It’s a matter of trust.

The first man that was not my husband that I failed to use protection with was just a mere caught up in the moment stupid move. But I love my baby boy that resulted from that slip-up and wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.

The only other time I have gone without a cover was a well thought out decision made after the talk of exclusivity. I trusted him dearly.

Anyone that assumes commitment by way of unprotected intimacy is making a huge mistake. The act says absolutely nothing. You are putting your life on the line.

By aqualung

August 14, 2008 8:30 AM | Link to this

Harshaw has it wrong.

When men ask to hit it raw, the unprotected sex does NOT indicate intent to share a future. It does not indicate commitment. It just shows a certain level of trust. Some couples consider it a milestone in the relationship when each trusts that the other is being monogamous and not introducing STDs. Sex without a condom indicates that the guy trusts the girl to take birth control responsibly and regularly. It does NOT indicate that he’ll propose soon or that they’ll buy real estate together next week.

Some guys just have poor impulse control. Ex: A pretty woman will admit that she’s not on BC. She’ll suggest a condom. The guy will BEG to hit it raw anyway: she looks clean, it feels better to him, baby baby please, etc…

Do women ever ask men to remove the condom in the heat of the moment? No. That ultra-ribbed Trojan feels GOOD.

By M'Karyl

August 14, 2008 8:45 AM | Link to this

I can not even fathom how unprotected sex can be equated to the conveyance of a committment…Sugar, Raqi and aqualung have pretty much hit the nail on the head in their respective post…I am a product of the Free Love generation…the pre-AIDS sexual revolution…sex without protection then was not the life-threatening risk that it is today…albeit them undesirable, the STD’s of that era were not like they are today…and AIDs was not even an issue…legalized abortion and the pill curtailed the concerns of unwanted pregnancy for some ppl…consequently, unprotected sex was not an issue of major concern for many because of these things…but unprotected sex did not convey a committment then and I do not believe it does now…and in this more contemporary sexual culture it is just plain risky and ignorant to believe that is does..yeah right.

By Ladylike

August 14, 2008 8:49 AM | Link to this

Oh please, I love sex, but when we start talking unprotedted, I just get the hebiegebbies…No I don’t feel that this is an unofficial engagement at all.

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 8:49 AM | Link to this

Good morning Good People and THANK YOU Wise Diva for bringing this topic to the forefront. Even though we know not to have unprotected sex it still happens, just look at the stats on the rising numbers of HIV across the board. While some may still claim it to be a homosexual disease it’s prevelent in women, heterosexual women. This new age dating is killing off our people by the drodes, and for a man or woman to ask their partner to engage in a risky behavior that could produce a child or STD is unthinkable but it does happen. We get comfortable with a lover and condoms become extinct to us. I’ve done it, I’ll never do it again. I realise now how much danger I put myself in because we were together for years, I just knew that he wasn’t cheating but he was every chance he got.

What means more commitment to you: engagement ring or unprotected intimacy? engagement ring.

By atltwen

August 14, 2008 8:49 AM | Link to this

For me, yes, unprotected sex can symbolize a level of commitment, if both parties have that understanding.

A couple of years ago, I participated in a committed friends w/benefits relationship where we engaged in unprotected sex from start to finish.

It just didn’t happen however, we discussed it and agreed - we both hated condoms also.

Because we had known each other for 13 years and had been best friends for 2 1/2 yrs up to that point, we definitely trusted each other and felt very safe.

From a health perspective, we knew risk of pregnancy and STD’s were there. So we went to the OBGYN a couple of times together, got checked, and started using the timing method. It worked beautifully.

That was the good part.

After 8 months though, she changed her mind and said she could not continue to give herself to me and risk pregnancy w/o being a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

She increased her standards.

Soon after, we fell out.

What I’m trying say is, unprotected sex can mean more to a person than engagement. It just depends on who it is and where that individual is at in their life.

For me, engagement is a precursor to marriage, which in my eyes is ‘til death due us part. Unprotected sex is a highly trusting activity, but doesn’t reach the same standard as engagement.

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 8:52 AM | Link to this

This is a very stupid topic for the adults on this blog. Sugar This topic needs to be address every chance it can get…Adults make risky moves too and it also helps for adults to pass the information to their kids or peers. What is stupid is for an adult to contract HIV?AIDS or an unwanted pregnacy.

By Ladylike

August 14, 2008 8:53 AM | Link to this

Oh please, I love sex, but when we start talking unprotedted, I just get the hebiegebbies…No I don’t feel that this is an unofficial engagement at all.

By T

August 14, 2008 9:01 AM | Link to this

EEEWWWWWW. What?
So, instead of getting married you agree to get pregnant or a case of the herpasyhpagonalotia. What?

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 9:02 AM | Link to this

dry heave I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Unprotected sex the new engagement ring? I thought growing up in the AIDS era would make our young people more informed.

Another one of my friends just announced her unplanned pregnancy. None of them are thinking that going raw deepens committment. They are still throwing caution to the wind. We are too old for this. Seriously. I’m just grateful that my friends are calling announcing pregnancies, and not HIV.

Good morning everyone.

By M'Karyl

August 14, 2008 9:03 AM | Link to this

Given the fact that AA women between 25-50 make up teh fastest growing demographic to become infected with the HIV/AIDs virus…yes, we must be encouraged to publicly engage in these dialogues abut the issues…there are 11 states where AA’s make up 50% or better of the HIV/AIDs cases…the vast majority of those states are in the southeast…GA, AL, VA, NC, SC…we need to ask ourselves why.

By Mike

August 14, 2008 9:04 AM | Link to this

Oh, please. Did some ladies actually buy into that line?? Some dude just wants to go bareback ‘cuz it feels better, and he convinces the girl that it means he cares? Gimme break!! We guys will say dadgum near anything to get into your knickers, and avoid all that condom stuff. Believe it at your own risk.

By rob l

August 14, 2008 9:05 AM | Link to this

Are you people kidding me. Saying there are non traditional ways of making a commitment in itself is beyond ignorance. People who choose not to pursue marriage in a relationship are quiete obviously saying they dont plan on being around forever. Sex and dating protected or unprotected is based simply on how much you think of yourself and others.

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 9:07 AM | Link to this

M’Karyl, good point. And AIDS is still the #1 killer of black women ages 25-34. Why doesn’t this scare the bejeesus out of us? Especially since it’s preventable!

By Jazzyone

August 14, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this

Using protection is always a good thing. Once in a serious committed relationship medical records only speak for the current, no the future of a persons health.

Sugar..there are allot of folks on this blog ADULTS who don’t care to use protection so um…yeah

Unprotected sex does not equate to committment for me.

By melo

August 14, 2008 9:12 AM | Link to this

The only other time I have gone without a cover was a well thought out decision made after the talk of exclusivity the mind clouds the judgement..u may have well thoght out that decision,but u still were not protected and many of us mortals are caught in the same situation. The only pragmatic way to do this is to have a test and then do the talk after,thats the only guarantee.I do agree tho that we all get caught up in the heat of the moment and if the luv juices are flowing,there is a tendency to disregard the important steps that are necessary to guarantee real protection. But that raw hit sure sounds good,i can understand why some dont want a covered lolipop.

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 9:13 AM | Link to this

^5 M’Karyl

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 9:19 AM | Link to this

still trying to grasp this concept

Well, they say diamonds are forever, and so is HIV…so maybe that’s the rationale?

LOL. Naw, I’ve still got nothing.

By NY2GA

August 14, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this

In these days and times not using a glove with someone you are dating is not only a game of Russian Roulette-it is suicide.

Know your status. Wrap it up.

By Me For Me

August 14, 2008 9:28 AM | Link to this

My girlfriend of 4 months now wants to make love without a condom, i am not ready for that yet. What should i do?

By abc

August 14, 2008 9:29 AM | Link to this

Over 71% of African American children are born to unwed mothers. That is a horrifying statistic. I would say that, without question, to speak of unprotected sex as a replacement for being engaged, certainly then as a replacement for being married, is a ridiculously irresponsible notion. That said, it is obviously one which is embraced by the African American community — maybe not in such terms, it may simply be that community has discarded marriage as a viable lifestyle.

And that’s a dayum shame.

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 9:30 AM | Link to this

Ared somebody’s doing something. Just think, for all the “who’s the baby daddy” it could be, who gave me HIV? smh

By WTH?

August 14, 2008 9:30 AM | Link to this

An ex of mine told me not too long ago that he feels he’s scared of committment. BUT if i wanted a child, he’d help give that to me. WTF!

By Raqi

August 14, 2008 9:30 AM | Link to this

Engaging in unprotected intimacy is strictly a trust issue. Married or not. My choice to put myself in that position with my marido was only because I trusted him. While in a committed unmarried relationship.

While nothing is certain, we have to make choices based on how well we feel we know the person. That’s all we can do.

An engagement ring nor a marriage certificate can safegaurd you from diseases and/or pregnancy. Only the honesty and loyalty of the person you are with.

By M'Karyl

August 14, 2008 9:32 AM | Link to this

Again, this is another issue about protecting one’s own best interest…physical as well as emotional…yeah, a diamond is forever…ask the dude who been holding on to that engagement for 30 years…lol…and yes, so is AIDs…it is a life sentence…a committment of its own accord…I wathced way too many friends die in the early 90’s…something like 30 or so…and that did not even include others from past associations in passing, etc…and the numbers in our community keep increasing out of proportion to the rest of the demographics…the first committment we need to make it the one to love ourselves at all cost and to protect that committment by making judicious decisions on what that means by thought brfore our actions. See y’all in a few…out to work and will check back in then…ciao.

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

i am not ready for that yet. What should i do?

Uh…tell her you’re not ready yet. Duh.

By Dan

August 14, 2008 9:34 AM | Link to this

….the Hell? What in the Sam Hell?

Dan incredulously walks in to the blog room, scanning for sane women, as WD asks about unprotected sex…..

Door creaks, and Dan backs out armed with a backpack full of Magnums and two knives thinking about Resident Evil…..

By Brooklyn

August 14, 2008 9:39 AM | Link to this

I think I’ve heard every excuse in the book as to why a bf did not want to use protection and I always laughed in their faces. I’ve slipped up and got caught in the heat of the moment once and I’ve mentally kicked myself. Most of my girl friends are the same age as me but have that young girl mentality. I don’t even like catching colds so the last thing I wanna do is “catch” something I sure as heck can’t get rid of. What means more commitment to you: engagement ring or unprotected intimacy?

I think I will stick with the old fashioned idea of an engagement ring meaning a sign of deep commmitment. Going raw with a guy just to prove I love and trust him means I prob have insecurity or confidence issues.

By SexyCool

August 14, 2008 9:40 AM | Link to this

my SO and i have known each other over three years and have lived together for two…we use protection EVERY SINGLE TIME…mainly because i don’t take the Pill or use any other kind of contraception…and i don’t plan on changing that…EVER…

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 9:43 AM | Link to this

A close friend of mine was always afraid of asking her bf to use a condom until she had the scare of her life and her test results came back inconclusive. We have to admit there are a bunch of men who refuse to wear a condom…ladies it’s up to us to either say no or deal with the aftermath.

By melo

August 14, 2008 9:44 AM | Link to this

Going raw with a guy just to prove I love and trust him means I prob have insecurity or confidence issues. i cosgn,guys will put girls who are insecure or desperate, in that situation!!!

By melo

August 14, 2008 9:48 AM | Link to this

SexyCool if u used the pill,wld it be any different, wld u trust each other to hit raw be4 u got married? I lived with mine for 3 yrs be4 marriage. I hit her raw 1st time i hit her…so i wanna be real about it as well..Thankfully, i married her.In fact, when i was getting ready to hit 1st time,she asked me the commitment question, and i said yes.But looking at it in retrospect, that was a stupid move………

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 9:52 AM | Link to this

we use protection EVERY SINGLE TIME…mainly because i don’t take the Pill or use any other kind of contraception…and i don’t plan on changing that…EVER…

SexyCool, that is so admirable. I have one friend in the same scenario. Just one (and that doesn’t include me).

By Biff

August 14, 2008 9:54 AM | Link to this

Depends on whether we’re talking about civilized people or heathens.

By Poppa Grande

August 14, 2008 9:55 AM | Link to this

Good Morning to you all…

It funny that WD brings this up today because I saw the movie “Knocked Up” for the first time last night. Who would have guessed that it would be homework for today discussion.

The movie was funny but had a couple of points. First, it exposed the consequences of their unprotected sex…the pregnancy. Second, are the people involved in the unprotected sex really ready to handle those consequences. In this movie, it ended up “happily ever after”, but in many cases it does not.

Another issue not even mentioned by the movie is disease.

BTW, abc, it is not just an african american issue. Remember the high school kids in Worcester, MA? They were consciously planning to have their babies together. Of course, it denied now. There had to be something to it for it to get out there like that.

By SexyCool

August 14, 2008 9:57 AM | Link to this

melo…nothing would change…

By abc

August 14, 2008 10:03 AM | Link to this

Poppa, statistically, babies are born to unwed mothers that are Caucasion 28% of the time; Hispanic 50% or so; African Americans 71% or more. It’s a striking, rather horrifying bunch of numbers. 28% is crazy; 71% is off the charts insane. WTF?

By Binford2K

August 14, 2008 10:04 AM | Link to this

Going skin on skin can never produce the genuine foundation of love that the heart and head can. Start with attraction and compatibility first and work up from there.

Don’t pay a huge price because it feels so good!

So many of my friends have kids before they are ready to and it puts them in the financial hole for life!

By the way… How have my blog peeps been?

By Sista Gurl

August 14, 2008 10:07 AM | Link to this

Now that I know better…He11 Nawh, no raw diggin’.

Both times I got pregnant me and my man was committed and supposed to be exclusive. Til I caught my twins baby daddy with that b^%#$^ next door. My daughter daddy was H when i got with him. Shtye, I took his azz from someone else, thought I was the one who he would change fo, instead he ended up leaving me for my daughters daycare teacher. WTF??

I’m trying to tone it down, TODAY, but i’m struggling to maintain my composure DAYNUM!!!

By Me For Me

August 14, 2008 10:10 AM | Link to this

Come on folks lets just be smart about this. It takes what; 10 sec. to put on a condom. HIV/AIDS and kids will be with you until death due you part. Do the right thing so that you can be around a long time for those that truly loves you.

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this

abc - I’m with you on the statistics. But do you know how abortion rates compare? One of the reasons why whites only account for 28% of unwed births is because they more often make the choice to terminate pregnancies.

By "Longtime Lurker"

August 14, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this

Morning all…

I am sorry, I am at a loss of words on this topic and some of the comments I am reading!

African-American women are 23 times as likely to be infected with the Aids virus as white women and account for 71.8% of new HIV cases among women in 29 US states, government research shows.

Government studies in 29 states found that black women comprised roughly half of all HIV infections acquired through heterosexual sex, in men and women, from 1999 to 2007.

With alarming stats like what I presented above, WHY WOULD YOU NOT USE CONDOMS PERIOD,POINT BLANK!

Is being in a short-term / long-term commited relationship and trusting your mate worth loosing your life? Afterall, all it takes is one time for that person ( male or female ) to step out on you and then come back and infect you!!

Trust can get you killed!

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 10:15 AM | Link to this

My daughter daddy was H when i got with him.

Sista Girl - Welcome. What does that mean above? He was HIV+? He was ho’in? What?

By Dead Mike

August 14, 2008 10:19 AM | Link to this

I don’t use condoms. I just always have sex in a pool. The chlorine takes care of the rest.

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 10:26 AM | Link to this

What kind of name is “Pendarvis” anyway? *blows raspberry *

By lurker

August 14, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

Do women ever ask men to remove the condom in the heat of the moment? No. That ultra-ribbed Trojan feels GOOD.

Wrong. I met a man who told me that he’d met a woman and they dated (without talk of exclusivity) for a few weeks before they had sex for the first time; he said that after about the fifth time, she “told me to take off the condom” (which he did); so, from that point forward, no more condoms. He said a couple weeks later he was looking in her medicine cabinet for cotton swabs and found her anti-retroviral medication. He said when he asked her what it was she said “medicine” thinking he didn’t know what it was for. He asked her if she has herpes, and she said “yes, but I can’t infect you unless I’m having an outbreak.”

People, please be careful.

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

Not to say we shouldn’t be engaging in sex outside of marriage. Having sex outside of marriage bonds you with that person for life and if you’re having sex (unprotected or not) outside of marriage you are bonded to so many different ppl. Sex protected or not brings wounded emotions and diseased bodies into marriages because of prior promiscuous affairs.

By SexyLeggs

August 14, 2008 10:29 AM | Link to this

Leaving at noon to attend a company function = an outing playing putt putt golf (paid afternoon out of office). Haven’t read any comments but since this is a dating blog wanted to share my story.

Last night had to do a site visit @ Doubletree Hotel off LaVista. Very, very nice facility. After wrapping up tour and heading to my car, this guy approached me and asked if he could buy me a drink. I thought, WTH why not. Didn’t feel like going straight home. We go to the bar in the hotel and order. He ordered a glass of wine. Me, I ordered a Mojito (sp). His wine glass was so big, and if you hold up your middle finger, you’ll know how much wine was in his glass. We both looked at that glass and started laughing. He asked for some seltzer water so he could have the illusion of having a drink. Again, I laughed. We spoke about the area in which we lived and realized we didn’t live too far from each other. He then asked if I knew where Dugan’s on Flat Shoals was and said of course I do. We decided to leave Dbltree and head there. Told him I had to stop and pick up some cat food. At this point, all I know about him are these 4 things (1) he works from home selling computers, (2) he has a 4 year old son that he adores and “solely” (his word) takes care of, (3) he’s really cool and (4) he’s white. At Dugan’s we order our drinks and my child calls saying she’s hungry. Mind you now I cook dinner every night and she doesn’t want to eat until around 8:00. So, karma shows its head and bam my child is hungry @ 6:45. He hears me talking to her and offers to buy her some dinner. It’s a rare treat for my child to eat fast food so I go and get her a Baconator (Wendy’s). I drop that off and meet him back at Dugan’s all because I wanted to change my routine of being home doing chores and watching tv. Ok, evening going pretty well. We talk about our children and we show pics. Cute kid, but I realize he has features like me. We talk a little more about our children and I ask about his son’s mother. He tells me his mother is black. STUPID, STUPID me, I say “oh, ok” and leave that statement on the cutting room floor. I say “stupid me” because the word “mother” didn’t register at that moment. For some reason, the word “solely” crept back to the forefront of my brain. I asked why he “solely” takes care of his son. Asked if he had “sole” custody. He says his “wife” works outside the home and he’s a stay at home dad who operates a computer company from his den? Lord have mercy on my soul! Flag was him saying “his mother is black” and not “his wife is black.” He said I never asked if he was married so he didn’t volunteer. No, he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. I finished my drink, and told him thanks for the drinks and appetizer but I don’t want to get to know a married man. As you guys say….chair spin~~

Staceye, second white dude to approach me only to find out he’s married. Put a fork in me I’M DONE!!

FYI…for those of you who love shrimp you must order Dugan’s fried shrimp cocktail. Scrumptious.

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 10:31 AM | Link to this

Dead Mike eeeewwwww

By Sista Gurl

August 14, 2008 10:31 AM | Link to this

AmazonRed

I mean he was “ho’in”.

I have been tested several times and “I’m clean.”

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 10:36 AM | Link to this

Commericals are glamorizing STD (HIV and Herpes) as if it’s the norm that’s why most ppl are not prone to using protection. Take a pill and you’re cured just don’t have sex when there’s an outbreak. Just SICK….I run even when I see a cold sore.

By Raqi

August 14, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

abc What are the abortion rates? I hear of more abortions among whites than I do blacks.

Getting rid of the evidence does not mean the crime didn’t take place.

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

SexyLeggs* - Thanks for the story. You got my hopes up too! Boo on him.

I was just at Dugan’s on Flat Shoals on Monday. It’s far, lol. I was eying that shrimp dish. Dang, I should have gotten it. LOL

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 10:40 AM | Link to this

SexyLeggs the classic don’t ask don’t tell…I thought that was only for the military LOL

By SexyCool

August 14, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this

Leggs…why did mother raise a flag? how else would he referred to his child’s female parent regardless of whether they were together or not?

By Atl Lady

August 14, 2008 10:46 AM | Link to this

SexyLeggsThat’s a doggone shame. He married the White woman, but had the child by and obviously loves to fool around with Black women. Massa still loves goin down to the slave quarters at night.

By SlimOne

August 14, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this

Any of ya’ll bee to Pink Pony South yet? If so, what’s it like..Ghetto, BHB (bullethole booties), pink toes, Mey-He-Canos, good Trail Mix of nationalites or what…

Friend supposed to be celebrating there this weekend and i’m trying to see if i wanna pass on it or not.

By abc

August 14, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this

I think my post got eaten or something, this is a re-post.

Nationally, Caucasian women account for over 50% of abortions overall, African American women over 40%. White women outnumber black women by considerably more than that, though. There are a lot of statistical breakout by race, they’re mostly kind of confusing.

By ATL P.Y.T.

August 14, 2008 10:48 AM | Link to this

I do not habitually practice unprotected sex. As a spring chicken, I got caught in the heat of the moment, but as a mature adult, I’m a lot more prepared and responsible.

Once upon a time, it was unheard of for a woman to buy/carry condoms. I keep them in my nightstand/overnight bag/car just about where ever. Not because I’m “hot in the crotch” but because I don’t want to put myself at risk, and I can control it.

I would imagine that people engage in unprotected sex to prove to their partner that they trust them. I mean would you want to have sex with someone you admittedly didn’t trust…protection or not?? But notice I said “they”, “their”, “them”. When we are able to start thinking in terms of “Me”, “Myself” and “I”, we will be more comfortable asking questions, looking for proof, and stopping a situation before it gets too heated.

By m'karyl

August 14, 2008 10:49 AM | Link to this

@Brooklyn

Sug…I feel ya’…especially from those psuedo African cultural negroes…with they made up African customs…never have found the country in Africa where they practice that shyte…uh-huh…it ain’t natural…we didn’t use condoms when we were in Africa…well, excuse me…but when was the last time you were in Africa????…oh, you have never been…uh-huh…I see…awrighty then Akbar Mohammed Saleem…even though your birth cetificate says your name is Roger Jones…lol

By Poppa Grande

August 14, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this

abc percentages mean very little me. They can be skewed by sample size. I’d rather have the raw data.

For example: 20 caucasion teenage pregnancies out of which 5 get pregnant (5 is 25% of 20)

Whereas 10 african american teenage pregnancies, out of which 5 get pregnant (5 is 50% of 10).

In both cases, the number of the poplation is 5. Therefore, the numbers get skew based on who does the study. They can play with sample size to make the numbers say what they want.

Knowing that there are fewer African Americans in the US than Caucasions and Hispanics (African- americans are number three) our sample size will be smaller by virtue of there being less of us. So the above phenomenon occur

I was a psych major (science field) and had to do lab studies. I’ve seen what changes in sample size can do. I don’t trust statistics as much as raw data. The group paying for the study can play with things too much.

Anyways, my point is that it is an issue for EVERYBODY. If we use the term EVERYBODY that would include African Americans.

By Kym aka Lady Sage

August 14, 2008 10:51 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

While we may think the idea of “uprotected sex” means exclusive dating is a bit wild…the fact is it is happening and is the benchmark many young people are using when “sealing the deal” on being boyfriend or girlfriend. I recently took my son to the doctor(he is 12) during the whole checkup proceedure the doctor says ok have you two had the talk..my son looked at me and the doctor and in typical pre-teen fashion rolled his eyes and said yeah..I know penis, vagina blah..blah. The doctor looked at me and I explain to him that we have had the sex talk before and that I have a open discussion with him on the matter(in other words you can ask me all you want about sex rather he get it from me than on the streets.)

The doctor said good..because in the last 6 months he had seen 4 cases of HIV. I said well my son is only 12..he said yes I know these were young people between the ages of 12 and 15. I was actually floored. I know how nervous I get when I take the HIV test and get the results.

The idea that a 12year old kid has to sit there and be told you have HIV was simply unbelieveable to me. The doctor didnt help matters when after he finish his exam he said oh and he(my son) will be able to father a child in say the next 6 months to a year. I looked over at my son..this goofy, 12 year old kid who’s biggest thrill is to watch Naruto on tv and thought lord..here we go. So of course on the way home we talked more about sex. But the times they are a changing folks.

By Raqi

August 14, 2008 10:53 AM | Link to this

SexyCool I’m with you. I don’t get this…“Flag was him saying “his mother is black” and not “his wife is black.””

By The Truth

August 14, 2008 10:53 AM | Link to this

Sorry but this one is to important to pass up.

I’m talking with a friend of mine who’s married and knocking off 3 other chicks besides his wife, unprotected. I told him about a chick I met that said she has herpes. He asked me if I knocked her off and I said no. Anyway, he told me he has herpes and has had it for quite a few years. He’s sleeping with 4 chicks without protection and he knows he has herpes. He hasn’t told the women jack. I still don’t know what to say but this is scary. I’ve heard alot of things in my life but never had a friend tell me that kind of information. Watch your back, it’s a minefield out there.

On protected sex: There used to be 2 options. 1)Go unprotected 2) Put on a condom Now there’s a third option. Don’t do it period. If you’re going to be looking at your genitals for months after the deed it’s just not worth it. However, I know dam well for those saying they use condoms that it’s some other stuff going on. You aren’t just doing the 3 pumps and a nap thing. Someone’s licking on something.

Sex is like love. It’s a full contact sport. If you can’t go all out just stay at home.

Ok, I’m through now.

By anonymousella

August 14, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this

If you are dating someone, do you feel comfortable using unprotected sex as a sign of commitment?

that’s a qualified yes. for me it goes hand in hand with a commitment to be sexually exclusive.

“At what point are you willing to take it to this level?”

depends on how soon we decide to become exclusive. in my last relationship, it was about 3 months in and after a conversation about our sexual health and HIV results.

“Is this a trust issue? Health issue? Both?”

both. even if the initial test comes back with an all neg., you still have to trust that your S.O. is sexually responsible — either that he/she is the condom-using type if he/she is also the cheating type, or that he/she is not the cheating type in the first place.

i guess i keep things in perspective. i sure don’t want to catch HIV. but it’s a hard disease to catch, even if you have unprotected sex with someone who is infected. most other STDs are curable, treatable, and manageable. the hardest part is the ick factor and stigma of having diseased naughty bits.

By SexyLeggs

August 14, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

Wow, now that I’ve gone back and read today’s topic I must admit this is one area I’m afraid of. I have never been afflicted with any disease and would have to kill a person if I should become sick.

Sheesh, I’m just starting to date and I’m tired of the bs. The idiot at the liquor store wanting to “sex me up” just because. Guys, your rap is weak and your dyckizzle is not what you think it is. Give me a freaking break!

By Atl Lady

August 14, 2008 11:01 AM | Link to this

TruthIs this the same guy that leaves the money on the table with his women?

By Wow....

August 14, 2008 11:02 AM | Link to this

i guess i keep things in perspective. i sure don’t want to catch HIV. but it’s a hard disease to catch, even if you have unprotected sex with someone who is infected. most other STDs are curable, treatable, and manageable. the hardest part is the ick factor and stigma of having diseased naughty bits.…PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T JUST SAY THIS AND MEAN IT????????

By AmazonRed

August 14, 2008 11:02 AM | Link to this

He’s sleeping with 4 chicks without protection and he knows he has herpes. He hasn’t told the women jack.

Truth - I’m not condoning this behavior in anyway, but I wonder if any of these women asked.

Because there is such a stigma to STDs, I have convinced myself that many people operate in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” type of mentality with it. In my younger days, I was good with the “have you been tested” convo and the answer (still used condoms tho). Now, it’s like 20 questions folks are real cluess about the STDs that don’t kill.

By SlimOne

August 14, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

Truth So what did you say to buddy after knowing he now got DEM BUMPS and is carelessly passing the baton to these other 4 chicks? Did that make you look at him any differently…like with less respect?

Slim now out looking for a FULL Body Sized Condom…reusable of course

By SexyLeggs

August 14, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

SexyCool/Raqi you have a good point there, yet I feel most married men who weren’t hiding the fact that they were married would say “my wife is…” Shyt, his son is 4. True, he could have gotten married after the birth of the child….I just feel he should have said “wife” and not “mother”. And you guys say it’s best to be upfront and honest from day one…well, I’m not seeing that!

Atl Lady, he married black!

By Sista Gurl

August 14, 2008 11:09 AM | Link to this

Leggs

Feel kinda funny calling another woman SEXY

Gurl you is telling the truth in that 2nd paragraph you wrote. I just say “Nikka Please” to them m/f’s. “I got real life shyte going on, aint got time fo yo tired azz. Get the pluck outta my face, mind, life.”

By Jazzyone

August 14, 2008 11:11 AM | Link to this

Thats why I always ask before I even ask a guy his name if hes married. Saves time and the appearance of depseration.

By Jazzyone

August 14, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

Why not just ask?????

By Brooklyn

August 14, 2008 11:14 AM | Link to this

m’karyl LOL. One dude I was dating for a few weeks had the nerve to say he does it with all his women raw so there must be something wrong with me since I wanted to use protection and maybe I was trying to tell him something. I was like, okay, I’ve heard it all. Another guy I was in a relationship with said that he had had three healthy kids with his ex-wife so apparently he was clean.Needless to say that relationship didn’t last long LMAO. Maybe if I havent seen first hand how bad the circumstances of having unprotected sex raw was or if I wasn’t so appalled with the facts and figures and didn’t see some of my friends and family affected by unplanned pregnancies or worse, I would be gung-ho over jumping in bed without protection, but needless to say, these things have made me just a little bit wiser…

By SexyCool

August 14, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this

leggs…i understood THAT…i just don’t get why mother was a flag…cause if a dude tells me that he takes care of his child ‘solely’…i’m going to interpret that as he is a single father…and i would expect him to refer to the female parent as the child’s mother…

perhaps something is being lost in translation here…maybe i’m just not reading you how you wrote it…it happens…

oh well to that…

By NY2GA

August 14, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this

…guess i keep things in perspective. i sure don’t want to catch HIV. but it’s a hard disease to catch, even if you have unprotected sex with someone who is infected. most other STDs are curable, treatable, and manageable. the hardest part is the ick factor and stigma of having diseased naughty bits…

^^^And that is the line of thinking that keeps the infection rates on the rise.

SexyL Be careful out there. Steven Segal sure made alot of progress. A total stranger got you from the Doubletree to another location all in a matter of hours…

By Leggs (formerly known as SexyL)

August 14, 2008 11:17 AM | Link to this

Well, they say you learn something everyday…you’re absolutey right JazzyOne, I will say “Hi, are you married?”

By abc

August 14, 2008 11:18 AM | Link to this

I see your point, Poppa, but I don’t think that being in denial of specific challenges to African American culture is conducive to positive change.

The disintegration of the family structure within the African American community is, I believe, the reason why so many ills exist therein today. Marriage has fallen to the wayside, reasons cited as being chronic unemployment of black males, upswing of financial independence of black women such as women of any race have never experienced before, welfare, and on and on. All of it tends to feed upon itself, a snowball rolling downhill, getting ever larger and faster.

What’s to be done, heck if I know. But not recognizing that an issue such as unwed pregnancy affects African Americans so much more than everyone else is not a viable approach, seems to me. Same thing with incidence of HIV.

What makes these issues so different for African Americans? It obviously is different. I daresay nobody really knows, but that’s not to say it’s not worth discussion.

By MLL(mammalongleggs)

August 14, 2008 11:18 AM | Link to this

I was good with the “have you been tested” convo and the answer (still used condoms tho).* Ared you can ask a person their status and they can still lie about it, even if you produce your results it’s still no consulation. I asked the last guyfriend and he told me he’s never been to the doctor less more take a test for something he knows he doesn’t have because he uses a condom each and every time he has sex, I asked him what happened on the days he created 3 kids? he looked very dumbfounded LOL

By Kym aka Lady Sage

August 14, 2008 11:20 AM | Link to this

We have had the Herpes discussion before but I guess it bares repeating..

You can have Herpes and never ever ever have a outbreak..but no outbreak does not mean you will not pass it on. I know Truth is not condoning dude’s behavior..but frankly you can stand a penis with Herpes up next to a penis without herpes and wont be able to tell. There are other STDs that you can contract that have absolute no signs at all.(no bumps, discharge etc.) Trich comes to mind. I remember in highschool health when the LPN visited our class she talked about Trich and one guy said so if there are no signs what do you do wait for it to fall off? The class thought it was funny but the LPN said if left untreated it can make you sterile. Dude’s face was broke.

By melo

August 14, 2008 11:22 AM | Link to this

I’m talking with a friend of mine who’s married and knocking off 3 other chicks besides his wife, unprotected. I told him about a chick I met that said she has herpes. He asked me if I knocked her off and I said no , hello and hey Truth..i was just laughing at that post coz its funny hw we passing on these diseases in a non-chalantly way……just knocking off chics left/right like that,clean up and go knock off the next one.And ur friend thoght u were together, in good company coz u cld be kncking off that herpesed chic. I bet one of those 3 chics,if not all of them are getting knocked elsewhere by countless other dudes coz they knw this guy is married.Fun and games going all round. Its a damn shame what this world is cming to!!

By Raqi

August 14, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

SexyLeggs Why is him marrying black that much of a concern? No you shouldn’t get involved with a married man, but your emphasis continues to be on the wife being black. Why is that?

By m'karyl

August 14, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

@Truth

The is just dayummm selfish, self-serving and heinous…herpes is no joke either…treatment is a life sentence to meds…unfortunately, your friend is not the lone ranger…and ppl want toknow why and how come I have been non-sexually active most of the last 17 years…nothing is so good and necessary that I am willing to die for it or any other such thing…and I wonder what some ppl are thinking…just between 2003 and 2007 (while I was still living in the ATL), I had approximately 300-400 men approach me with conversations about sexual engagement (of course, multiply that by 24 years of the same bs)…did not know them, their names or barely knew of them at all…I started to count the numbers of times that was a topic because I could not believe how many ppl are willing to put themselves and others at risk without thought to the consequences…vulgar…just plain vulgar.

By SlimOne

August 14, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

Slim trying out new Full-sized body condom, walking around the office singing, “Ooh baby, I like it rawwwww…Ooh baby i like it rawwwwww”

By Mo (aka Moeisha)

August 14, 2008 11:24 AM | Link to this

Hello All!

Great topic! Even though it may seem like we shouldnt be having this discussion, the numbers say otherwise. The only time I had sex w/o a condom was while I was while engaged and once I got married. Its too scary out here! Having sex W/O a condom (and no exclusive relationship) should be taboo right now.

By Leggs (formerly known as SexyL)

August 14, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

I shouldn’t have said “flag” cuz it only became a “flag” after I found out he was married.

NY2GA, thanks. Different cars, and public arena. As I always post here, keep your eyes and ears open. I’m walking the walk. However, I can’t stay in a bubble my entire life. Have to step out on a limb every now and then if I’m going to get comfortable doing things on my own. Yes, it’s scary, but I’m attempting to navigate these choppy waters of dating. Today, I’m discouraged and glad I only have to work half a day.

By Jazzyone

August 14, 2008 11:26 AM | Link to this

leggs You don’t have to I was just curious..before you met him in two diff places let him buy your child something to eat and all that jazz.. Hey you are old enough to know what works for you and what doesn’t.\

You run up on me and start asking me question or if I want to go in for a drink then yes my question right after the question mark goes over his head is “are you married”

If you letting me know I have toilet paper on my shes or I dropped my keys I could care less about your status.

By melo

August 14, 2008 11:26 AM | Link to this

A total stranger got you from the Doubletree to another location all in a matter of hours now thats funny..lol

By mytwocents

August 14, 2008 11:27 AM | Link to this

This is an intellectually provocative topic because even with such a sensitive issue, we can find ourselves doing things without examining more than the basic reasons and repercussions behind it. The snippet being from a ‘youth’ perspective initially made me wanna chalk it up to young & dumb, but there’s just way too much info out there. Pendarvis, did you just infer putting on a condom is an arduous “process”? Did you just say it’s also a great way to say I Love You w/o having to say I Love You? I can come up w/ hmmm 3 steps if I must, yet no great degree of difficulty. And if you had to be in love every time you did the do… Lawd

abc it may simply be that community has discarded marriage as a viable lifestyle. KP has this up http://www.cnn.com/2008/LI