Misadventures in Atlanta

By Foots

July 31, 2008 8:37 AM | Link to this

Good morning…and good topic!

Who do you have to thank for your dating lessons? What personality changes did you undergo after dealing with a particular person?

I think there are two exes that positioned me to be more in touch with myself. The first wasn’t much of a jerk, instead, I realized that he wasn’t for me. In order to get back to myself after a year in that relationship, I enrolled in my first dance classes at 23 years old.

The second was probably a jerk, but being so frustrated with him led to my first leisure trip out of town by myself. I have always loved my own company, but I didn’t know that I could have that much fun being totally responsible for myself and only me on a trip. Being able to travel out of the country alone opened up a whole new, more confident and outgoing side of me that I didn’t know was there. Not only that, because I loved him so much and was able to walk away, it taught me that I could survive any breakup, so I don’t hesitate to leave a situation that I feel isn’t right for me. And not only THAT, he introduced me to the bullet and I’ll forever be eternally grateful. LOL!

By SlimOne

July 31, 2008 8:41 AM | Link to this

Morning Folks

I’ve learned, you have to really consider how much of yourself you allow a person to have…and even when you still hold back, or tread carefully, there is always that chance that things will not turn out the way you wish.

By Foots

July 31, 2008 8:41 AM | Link to this

Here’s the thing: If I did not go through all those good and bad times, I would not have the best parts of me, flaws and all. I was left with so many gifts of personal growth, reality checks, and lessons.

Now that’s something that the masses don’t understand about so-called “failed” relationships. Not every one was meant to be “The One”. Some people find true love and committment on the first try, but that’s not how the majority do it. I, for one, have experienced many types of people and through them, have been able to learn more about myself and what I need and expect from a partner. I don’t count any gain of knowledge as a failure.

By Deeva4Life

July 31, 2008 8:50 AM | Link to this

Good Morning!! And great topic WiseDiva

The lessons I’ve learned after dealing with the jerks are many but the few that are most important to me would be: 1) I used to be too accomodating. I put up with behaviors and habits that really added no joy to my life, but to be with that person I tolerated certain things. I’ve sense learned that’s not the path to take in search of a nurturing relationship. 2) I’ve learned to nip situations at the bud versus holding things in. I’ve learned to say what I mean, and mean what I say…PERIOD. 3) And lastly but most importantly, I’ve learned that a person will only do to you what you allow them to do; When I start feeling unappreciated, used, or simply taken for granted…it’s time to bounce.

All of the lessons weren’t from jerks…there was one particular man who taught/showed me what love was, he taught me that true intimacy doesn’t start with the physical and that love for oneself is most important in life. Because of him, I know that what I seek in a mate does exist…it’s all about timing. And for that I have him to thank.

By Endless Romantic

July 31, 2008 8:59 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Everyone! Thanks WISE DIVA for such a wonderful topic. This is one I can definitely relate to. Like I stated in the past, a couple of months ago I ended an 8 year relationship. It’s funny, because when my family and friends received the news of the break-up, they would talk to me like I was supposed to be all sad and depressed. Actually I was the total opposite mostly do due to my relationship with GOD. I looked at the relationship as a learning experience in many areas like the importance of communication, sex, and trust just to name of few… During the relationship, I didn’t realize that this person’s purpose for being in my life was to prepare me for next relationship, especially since he was my first real adult relationship. So I THANK YOU, MY EX, for helping to bring out the WOMAN that I was meant to be…

By BrownSugar28

July 31, 2008 9:02 AM | Link to this

To all the desperate women out there: STOP IT

You’re making it hard for the rest of us. I’m tired of encountering men who seem to believe all they have to do is look good, have a degree and smile to have my panties fall off.

I’m tired of the men who’s first question seems to be: Can you to cook? To which I reply: Yes. I can. But I won’t be doing it for you.

I’m tired of the men who call at all times of night, asking to come over and “chill” as I let them know that it’s too late to be at my crib and what ever “chilling” they want to do can be done between the hours of 9 and 10.

Or how about the men who don’t have a pot to p** in or a window to throw it out of but seem to think it’s their right in life to have a “dime.” And that my extra fly a* should be grateful that they even said hello to me and can’t possibly understand why I’m not leaping up and down at the prospect of being with them.

And please, don’t get me started on all of the men who tell me that I want them as much as they want me. Right. So all those texts and phone calls I didn’t return didn’t send the message that I wasn’t interested , huh?

The reason why so many men today think that they have to do so little to attract quality chicks, is because they don’t. Too many women out here will do whatever it takes to find, get and keep a man, turning the whole natural order of the dating world on its head. Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I’m the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that.

I’m old school. I may only be 28, but I was raised to believe that it’s a man’s job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing. Simple. And effective. But now, because of the very real demographic differences among a certain section of the Black community, women are doing whatever it takes to get a man. And I do mean whatever.

If that means cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money to, letting live with, catching a case for (no lie) or just being a 21st century rendition of a Geisha with none of the perks who completely takes Destiny’s Child “Cater to You” to heart with little to no reciprocation, then so be it. If that’s what it takes to get and keep a man, then that is what too many women are willing do.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t get down like that. As I have had to tell one too many men: I am not your wife. And even if I was, I wouldn’t be bending over backward to cater to you. If you want 150% from me, then you better be giving me 150% in return. But don’t expect to operate on 10% and expect me to give you 150. If you’re operating on 10%, I’m operating on 20 and that’s just because I’m nice—sometimes.

To put simply: I give as good as I get. You wanna wife, you need to put a ring on my finger. I don’t play wife, unless you’re playing husband

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 9:03 AM | Link to this

The other day we were talking about what it means to come of age and/or mature. When I look back over my life now I am grateful for every experience that I took on. And that took me on. I appreciate it all. The hard knocks, the lonely cries, the eye openers, the tough love just as much as I appreciate being treated like a queen. And literally having my behind kissed.

I am so loving me and my life right now. As I mentioned the other day I don’t really care what others think about what I do and say. It’s my life. The journey seemed hard as I walked it. But you know I would not be the person I am today had I not married that overzealous young boy whose determination in life cost him his life, leaving me to hurt and raise a baby alone. Or that deceitful smooth talking Italian gent that preyed on my naiveté and knocked me up. And I found myself alone yet again. With two babies, rapidly increasing debt and the heart of a cold vicious beast. All of those men that called me a cynical bytch eventually bringing me to my senses. And I am most grateful for the one that saw thru all of my scorn and pain and never gave up on loving me.

I appreciate all of it. It matured me.

I am having a really good day. But I am sleepy as heck.

By Dan

July 31, 2008 9:06 AM | Link to this

During the time, it was great.

After the fact, I was still fine.

Every breakup I’ve had haven’t really taught me anything, more confirmed my suspicions and beliefs that it takes two to make something work.

Sometimes, I was the one not giving my all. Other cases…were other cases.

By SexyLeggs

July 31, 2008 9:08 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone. I’ve learned quite a bit from my exes. From the teenage crush with a guy I knew didn’t want much in life (walked away from that after 2 weeks) to my ex-husband who taught me that I didn’t have to settle. Couldn’t have said this any better…I used to be too accomodating. I put up with behaviors and habits that really added no joy to my life. Now, I have learned to do what makes me happy and what completes my life. Not worried about others who aren’t feeling me and my goals in life.

Not in the best of moods this morning. I’ll lurk until my disposition changes. Don’t want to be condescending in my posts!

By Deeva4Life

July 31, 2008 9:13 AM | Link to this

BrownSugar28 BRAVO!!! Very well stated and deserving of a standing ovation…well from me atleast…LOL But please beware, its still early, however the sharks are coming for you…trust and believe…LOL Good post!

By C tha 1

July 31, 2008 9:17 AM | Link to this

Daaang somebody shytted in BS28’s corn flakes this morning … Aahh well another chic topic men gotta put a spin on.

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 9:19 AM | Link to this

LOL Deeva I read her (Live and Direct/BrownSugar) very same speech on another site this morning.

By Brownsugar28

July 31, 2008 9:29 AM | Link to this

Raqi

visit my blog http://brownsugar28.blogspot.com/2008/07/ladies-stop-playing-wife-if-your-mans.html

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 9:33 AM | Link to this

BrownS Girl why didn’t you just give us the link in the first place. I always enjoy reading various outlooks on life. I will be checking you out from time to time.

By Foots

July 31, 2008 9:38 AM | Link to this

One of the things I learned early on was that giving too much bred resentment on my part. It’s not the giving that’s the problem, it’s giving with the expectation of receiving, and then when you receive nothing in return, instant resentment. Plenty of women are afraid of receiving, thinking that it obligates them. Why? Men have no problem with receiving and have no feelings of obligation whatsoever. Shoot, we even have trouble receiving a compliment, and I have to check myself sometimes and just say “Thank you” without feeling the need to give one back.

I’ve learned that if I want a man to be a leader, I have to wait for him to lead and I’ll follow. I learned to wait to give, until I first receive. Simple minded people will put that statement in terms of monetary value, but it’s so much more complex than that. In terms of time, why give him all of your extra time when you’re only getting late nights and alternate Sundays? In terms of effort, why give 100% if he’s only giving 15%? I had to learn to let the man do what he does, without stepping in front of him and even without trying to match him all the time. I give as good as I get. Any more than that, over extended periods of time, breeds resentment.

By M.

July 31, 2008 9:42 AM | Link to this

The tough lessons that I learned were to listen before I spoke and or reacted. One girl was really depressive and had somewhat of an anxiety disorder. You could not tell though. She always seemed fairly upbeat but for the most part things were not always going well. I just learned to be more positive and don’t focus on the negative side of anything. I learned that everybody has some issues so give them a break sometimes.

By Dan

July 31, 2008 9:46 AM | Link to this

Brown Sugar

And what gives you the impression that you’re a dime?

The number of men that inflate your ego to have sex with you?

And…btw…2 people cannot contribute more than 100% to any equation. mmmkay?

By M.

July 31, 2008 9:47 AM | Link to this

The tough lessons that I learned were to listen before I spoke and or reacted. One girl was really depressive and had somewhat of an anxiety disorder. You could not tell though. She always seemed fairly upbeat but for the most part things were not always going well. I just learned to be more positive and don’t focus on the negative side of anything. I learned that everybody has some issues so give them a break sometimes.

By SexyLeggs

July 31, 2008 9:49 AM | Link to this

BrownSugar, BrownSugar…I’m over here clapping! Way to go, way to go!

By Page1908

July 31, 2008 9:51 AM | Link to this

LOL Dan Be nice.

By Atl Lady

July 31, 2008 9:56 AM | Link to this

BrownSugar, Well Said!!!

Good Monring BlogFam I’ve got some meetings today. Going to lurksville…

By Foots

July 31, 2008 9:57 AM | Link to this

Ctha1 Aahh well another chic topic men gotta put a spin on.

I’m sure that you’ve dated some women that taught you some things about yourself, or where you learned something from the relationship. Anything that applies to both sexes can’t be a chick topic, can it?

By AmazonRed

July 31, 2008 9:58 AM | Link to this

Hello. Hope your morning is going well.

I guess the common thread all my past relationships have taught me is to stay true to myself. It’s usually when I try to start putting up with things I normally wouldn’t that things start going wrong. The guys in my life have been well intentioned (I guess) but at the end of the day, you are who you are. Eventually, you’ll revert back to your true self and sometimes you just can’t make it work.

By melo

July 31, 2008 9:59 AM | Link to this

And not only THAT, he introduced me to the bullet and I’ll forever be eternally grateful good post overall,but that rtight there destroyed it a lil… Brownsugar28 be consistent,if u dont want the all those texts and phone calls I didn’t return didn’t send the message that I wasn’t interested , huh? u will end up with Women ..doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing so what do u want men to do.Granted u are fly,that is why men text u,becoz u gave out ur tel# and they chase after u.Rather than choose one among them,it seems u are taking the attention as a curse.What are the men supposed to do then?If they notice that u seem to luv urself way too much,trust me,they leave u alone of will regard u less seriously.So take ur pick and be serious.

By QC

July 31, 2008 9:59 AM | Link to this

Morning…

I have to thank the people who did’nt call me back after we went out….cause they knew i did’nt enjoy myself, had no interest in them…and was just being nice

I hope you all have a great day!

www.blackthen.com

Hey Page

By Dan

July 31, 2008 9:59 AM | Link to this

I’m just saying…

I’m all for female empowerment. I’m all for patting oneself on the back, regardless of sex.

But to start relating your specific experiences to a larger context, is bad logic.

I generally speak on the women that I’ve known (and know). I try not to and am quite often corrected when I do speak in generalizations.

But for some reason, when a new male poster gets on with “all women” the ladies come out of the woodwork to properly state that the context of his statement requires condition.

Why isn’t the same standard applied to the hurt women?

And for that matter, how does anyone propose to solve the problems if all we do is the ole back and forth?

By lurker

July 31, 2008 10:01 AM | Link to this

recycled or no, I’m giving BrownSugar28 a standing ovation as well.

Dan She’s a dime piece because she believes and said so. I concur. A man telling or thinking a woman she’s a dime piece based solely on appearance so does not make for one. Most dime pieces in a man’s world mostly ends up jacked on the inside because she so cute and fine she’s now like cake, everybody’s had a piece. See, what you fail to realize dimeness-ism comes from within and reflects out. Has absolutely nothing to do when how many approached or told you so. It’s what you know and feel, if never stated.

By Wise Diva

July 31, 2008 10:02 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone I am feeling great today, weekend is almost here! Hey What is wrong with a chick topic, You got something against chicks? I told ya’ll about that, LOL. hmph

By 2 Can Play That Game©

July 31, 2008 10:04 AM | Link to this

“Have you ever dated someone that called you out (in a good way) and taught you a better way to handle things?”

Yep, Lisa out in Texas, Michelle, and TMJ…..Lisa let me know, when a woman’s fed up, Michelle taught to me to never withold anything, and TMJ gave me the scientific definition of it all….she said I was “emotionally unattached”…..

By Foots

July 31, 2008 10:06 AM | Link to this

QC Girl, I even thank the ones that didn’t call me back after we went out because they knew THEY were not interested. I’m grateful that they didn’t try to string it along to see what they could get. I wasn’t what they wanted, they bounced. Like Staples says “That was easy!!”

By Dan

July 31, 2008 10:11 AM | Link to this

@Lurker

And if she was a man and had said that, her post would’ve been highly questioned.

I don’t disagree that self esteem is how you feel about you. And if someone is dumb enough to grant that power to another person…that’s one them.

But to hit the scene with the diatribe like all cats are after you for sex…is plain bs. Let me be clear, so that are no misconceptions:

Ladies, not every man that you meet wants to have sex with you.

Yet, some women act as if that’s all a man can want from her. Really, that says more about how you value you than anything that I could say/type.

By melo

July 31, 2008 10:12 AM | Link to this

But I am sleepy as heck i knw what u did last nite… And ladies, uall talking about the jerks and what not,what is typical jerk behaviour by man? Do you realize that some of uall may be jerks but just do not realize it? We must not label all exes(men)today as jerks,as it seems thats whats happening,coz the shoe may be on the other side.What kind of things have u urselves done which in ur opinions were jerky behaviours that wldnt stand the normal behaviour sniff test? It takes 2 to tango,so dnt just blame it on the guys.And to Brownsugar28, some of those things u mention that..cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money are really valued by a lot of men and i dont see how u can be succesful in ur dating if u cannot navigate sme of those.To get u got to give as well.Mature ladies, what role are u playing to help some of ur naive and immature sisters about what it takes to be able to snatch that much sought after loved one? I wldnt date a wman who cannot cook or clean her house proply,thats just me….

By For Real

July 31, 2008 10:22 AM | Link to this

Sounds like somebody didn’t like the results of their EPT this morning.

By AmazonRed

July 31, 2008 10:28 AM | Link to this

But for some reason, when a new male poster gets on with “all women” the ladies come out of the woodwork to properly state that the context of his statement requires condition.

Why isn’t the same standard applied to the hurt women?

Dan - It is, by you. That’s what you seem to post for.

By Page1908

July 31, 2008 10:34 AM | Link to this

Hey QC

Hey ARed (Gerren) LOL

Dan Ok, something is weird here….you mentioned that not not every man a lady meets want to have sex, but I have heard MANY times on this very blog, the opposite. I can’t remember who specifically has said it, but I am sure some of the old head female bloggers remember, too. Just sayin lol

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 10:37 AM | Link to this

Morning Folks!

Great topic Wise Diva

I have learned so much about myself in the few relationships I’ve been in. Like Deeva4Life I used to be too accomodating - doing all I could to make a relationship work. Those experiences made me less patient, not more - but in a good way.

The main thing I learned was the importance of loving and enjoying myself before trying to be in a relationship with someone else.

By Utopia

July 31, 2008 10:38 AM | Link to this

Lessons learned

By Dan

July 31, 2008 10:40 AM | Link to this

@ARed

You’re partially right.

I want to cut through the boilerplate bs and get down to the real. If there is a problem with dating it’s the commonly held, commonly spouted generalizations.

As adults, we sould all be able to examine not just our experiences, but those around us to form our own opinion.

By Dan

July 31, 2008 10:44 AM | Link to this

@Page

I’m not saying that every man doesn’t have the desire, what I’m speaking of is intent.

Some men can control their emotions, harness that desire until the time comes to unleash it.

But, run this for me, do you (open question) believe that every man that you meet has the sole desire to have sex with you?

Or could he want more? Do you feel as if you’re worth more?

By Foots

July 31, 2008 10:44 AM | Link to this

melo We must not label all exes(men)today as jerks,as it seems thats whats happening

I sense the sensitivity. I can rightfully say that all of my exes were not jerks, just as all of them were not angels. I understand that men don’t like to hear women talk about their negative experiences, thinking that she is painting every man with the same broad stroke, but it’s not true. What’s true is that we learn from both positive and negative reinforcement. If someone wants to share what they’ve learned from either method, it’s okay.

I’ve been misguided, and I’ve been selfish and sure I can detail how I haven’t always been the best partner, and how I still struggle to be my best self even now. I had to learn how to appreciate both big and little things, and learn how to show that appreciation to a man, because it is different than how I would show appreciation to a woman. I had to learn how to communicate more effectively when I had something to say instead of letting things fester in my heart. I also had to learn that not everything should be talked about RIGHT NOW and that sometimes its best to wait for the right time to bring things up.

By AmazonRed

July 31, 2008 10:45 AM | Link to this

Morning Page. And LOL @ your observation.

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 10:47 AM | Link to this

Speculation is the entertainment of fools.

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 10:50 AM | Link to this

Foots In terms of effort, why give 100% if he’s only giving 15%? - the man I learned the most from taught me to never invest in anything that yields no return.

On letting a man lead - I learned to make sure he knew where he was going before I decided to follow.

Looking back on it - I was certainly guilty of wanting to be married at all costs…

By Page1908

July 31, 2008 10:56 AM | Link to this

Dan To answer your question…No, I do not think that every man has the sole desire to have sex, but, yes, I do think that is big (no pun intended) part of it. Of course I feel I am worth more, which is what I think BrownSugar28 was saying in her post.

It’s just funny because I see on a regular basis where MANY your fellow blog brothas come on here saying stuff like “Ladies, if you think that a man does not want to have sex with you when they first meet you, you are sadly mistaken”. I want to mention names, but then again I don’t in case those same folks want to choose today to start back pedalling. LOL

So, Dan, do you ever recall seeing any of these posts? And, if so, what has been your response, if any?

By Foots

July 31, 2008 10:58 AM | Link to this

Have you ever dated someone that called you out (in a good way) and taught you a better way to handle things?

I had an ex who called me out for being selfish. At first, I tried to discount that and tell him all the ways that I wasn’t selfish, but then I had to face the truth in what he said. I was being selfish. But I didn’t even stop there. I asked myself why I felt like I had to be selfish in that relationship. I realized that I felt the need to look out for myself first because I didn’t feel that he had my back. Things had gotten out of order. He was selfish and mostly concerned about himself, so I stopped giving and started holding back and protecting myself. My answers led to me leaving the relationship because neither of us were able to be our best selves together and the relationship wasn’t to our mutual benefit. It was good that after some time passed that he came to me and realized his own errors in relating to me and we both apologized to the other for being so terrible. We’re good friends now.

Now, since I understand a little more about lead and follow, I look for a man who has my front and I’ll have his back.

By Dan

July 31, 2008 11:03 AM | Link to this

No backpedallin’ here…

I will never deny my carnal lust for a beautiful woman. What age and understanding has taught me is selectivity in expression of that passion.

You can’t/shouldn’t sleep with every woman.

At the same time, channeling that excess energy has proven useful, as I find myself getting a lot of work done.

Never having been a male that will put the “chase” above my other responsibilities, I can honestly say that while there is that contention of males, there are other of us with differing agendas.

By Dan

July 31, 2008 11:04 AM | Link to this

No backpedallin’ here…

I will never deny my carnal lust for a beautiful woman. What age and understanding has taught me is selectivity in expression of that passion.

You can’t/shouldn’t sleep with every woman.

At the same time, channeling that excess energy has proven useful, as I find myself getting a lot of work done.

Never having been a male that will put the “chase” above my other responsibilities, I can honestly say that while there is that contention of males, there are other of us with differing agendas.

By melo

July 31, 2008 11:06 AM | Link to this

I personally never had any dating issues with my chics,they were alll good girls,they wanted marriage and did the right moves.It may also be becoz i dated right,i chose my targets judiciously.I had more of a selection problem,a decking problem if u want.In this instance, i think i waz the jerk(in their eyez).I dropped sme girls really fast, even when it seemed we were meant for each other,but it was always for my own selfish reasons,tho justified coz i had to please me.I did not want to perpetuate false hopes by holding the relationship for a long time when i kinda knew,my long term selection process wld lead me elsewhere…….

By 2 Can Play That Game©

July 31, 2008 11:06 AM | Link to this

I also wanna thank y’all raggedy broads:

Kyla, thanks for showing me that an education is still relevant!

Consuella, thanks for teaching me to never trust a bigg butt and a smile!

Talia, thanks for showing me, “just cause you on a search for cheese don’t make you a hood rat!”

PD/Ashlynn, thanks for showing me pimpin ain’t dead!

Shawn, thanks for showing me we ain’t gotta be kickin it to cut e’ry now and then!

Angel, thanks for showing me that all dykes cain’t be turned out!

Val, thanks for showing me there is such a position as being upside down!

By For Real

July 31, 2008 11:08 AM | Link to this

You’re making it hard for the rest of us. I’m tired of encountering men who seem to believe all they have to do is look good, have a degree and smile to have my panties fall off. - Okay that didn’t work, how about if I look good, have a degree, have a smile and did the sissy? I’m tired of the men who’s first question seems to be: Can you to cook? To which I reply: Yes. I can. But I won’t be doing it for you. – Danggg I’m sorry baby but you looked hungry. I’m tired of the men who call at all times of night, asking to come over and “chill” as I let them know that it’s too late to be at my crib and what ever “chilling” they want to do can be done between the hours of 9 and 10. - Cool see you tomorrow at 9:59 Or how about the men who don’t have a pot to p* in or a window to throw it out of but seem to think it’s their right in life to have a “dime.” And that my extra fly a should be grateful that they even said hello to me and can’t possibly understand why I’m not leaping up and down at the prospect of being with them. - But you live next door to me in the partment complex? And please, don’t get me started on all of the men who tell me that I want them as much as they want me. Right. So all those texts and phone calls I didn’t return didn’t send the message that I wasn’t interested , huh? - Hold on, you told me you ran out of minutes and that’s why you need a ride to Metro PCS. The reason why so many men today think that they have to do so little to attract quality chicks, is because they don’t. Too many women out here will do whatever it takes to find, get and keep a man, turning the whole natural order of the dating world on its head. Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I’m the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that. - I’m sorry I dosed off. I’m old school. I may only be 28, but I was raised to believe that it’s a man’s job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing. Simple. And effective. But now, because of the very real demographic differences among a certain section of the Black community, women are doing whatever it takes to get a man. And I do mean whatever. - Job, Court and Chase??? With the price of gas!!!!! YOU AIN’T DOING THE CHOOSING GAS IS!!- If that means cooking, cleaning, sexing, cow towing, begging, pleading, giving money to, letting live with, catching a case for (no lie) or just being a 21st century rendition of a Geisha with none of the perks who completely takes Destiny’s Child “Cater to You” to heart with little to no reciprocation, then so be it. If that’s what it takes to get and keep a man, then that is what too many women are willing do. - Ummm okayyy sooo ummm do you still want a piece of my phish sandwich? I’m sorry, but I just can’t get down like that. As I have had to tell one too many men: I am not your wife. And even if I was, I wouldn’t be bending over backward to cater to you. If you want 150% from me, then you better be giving me 150% in return. But don’t expect to operate on 10% and expect me to give you 150. If you’re operating on 10%, I’m operating on 20 and that’s just because I’m nice—sometimes. To put simply: I give as good as I get. You wanna wife, you need to put a ring on my finger. I don’t play wife, unless you’re playing husband. - Not why would I want to play Husband? Everybody knows husbands don’t get no sex, their money is spent for them, and he is only allowed in two rooms of his house.

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 31, 2008 11:10 AM | Link to this

Hey guys…I’m back from some sick days at home…but after 2 steroid shots in the booty and some meds…my respiratory infection is getting better! D*mn asthma! LOL What did I miss?

Endless girl…what in the hell made you stay with a man for 8 years….and he never asked you to marry him?

Brown Sugar OMG..girl you are speaking from MY heart and MY mind! Do I cook…..hell do you, I ask that too? Since my when does my cooking make me more or less of a woman? I feel the exact same way. These dudes are a trip..and these I need a man desperate azz women do not help! They got these dudes all twisted so that when real woman who wants a man not needs a man come along they do not know how to act. Then they claim you got an attitude. You d*mn right I do…my attitude is that if you wnat to be treated like a man….step to me like one, act like one and be one! Not what you think a man is (h0ing and doing dumb stuff and expect me to turn the blind eye while you do because a man will be a man)Sorry if a man con not control his hormones then he is not a man. Self control is a part of being a mature adult! I will not stand for disrespect or ill treatment.

Dan Ladies, not every man that you meet wants to have sex with you. So you say bruh! LOL Some are just better at hiding it…but I know it’s on their mind!

Wise Good topic…the men from my past taught me to not to trust and to look out for the ulterior motives. So yes I am vocal as usual…but I also listen and watch his every move while in my presence to looks for signs of slithery snakeness! So although they hurt me…I believe I am smarter now when it comes to men. It funny…the ones that hurt me always call me, email me or text me later and say how they miss me! It’s makes me laugh and smile devilishly. I used to play fire with fire and get back with them just turn the tables and bounce. Now it’s too much energy! I just say thanks and switch topics to let them know I could care less about their crappy apology! I can take my grudge to the grave buddy! So why waste your breath?

By C tha 1

July 31, 2008 11:21 AM | Link to this

Lets see I’m greatful for shawty who taught me all women are not h03s. I’m greatful for shawty that taught me that you can’t turn one into a housewife. I’m also greatful for shawty that couldn’t get over her ex-boyfriend … basically teaching me to never put as much credence into words as much as you should pu into actions. And I appreciate shawty who taught me that women really don’t like being referred to as shawty … if you don’t know her like that.

By SexyLeggs

July 31, 2008 11:25 AM | Link to this

On letting a man lead - I learned to make sure he knew where he was going before I decided to follow. Makes a helluva lot of sense to me.

ForReal, no need for you to break down that post. You wrong for that one right there! If it wasn’t so long, I’ll make it our mission statement!

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 11:27 AM | Link to this

Dan I’m loving your comments today.

By Beautiful

July 31, 2008 11:31 AM | Link to this

Brownsugar28 i don’t disagree with you, but you should look more into why it’s this way.

when i first starting blogging last sept. i told bloggsville how my ex chased me. i moved to GA and it’s as you just described. i complained and bloggers started with this y’all should approach men too. is it the man shortage? you tell me.

By Binford2K8

July 31, 2008 11:35 AM | Link to this

Geez Lousie *BrownSugar28 * - that may have been the longest post I’ve EVER seen on this blog.

On Topic: Every stop along the road of life should teach a lesson.

Losers define winners Ugly defines beautiful (both metaphorically and literally) Wrong can define right

As life goes on, you pick up these precious nuggets of experience and any relationship should teach you things you didn’t know about yourself and reflect a little on the person you are at that time.

When I was young, I simply thought I wanted to marry someone I loved. Now I can define what it is I want in someone that I would perhaps marry. But, as a teenager I had no idea.

Experience and observational learning (i.e. watching your friends have kids at 18, or overdosing, or whatever) is key to sculpting an individuals set of wants/needs.

That’s why I when I see a really young couple getting married, I pause in concern. Have they defined their wants/needs adequately enough to satisfy themselves for the rest of their lives?

These bumps in the road are paramount to go forward. Smart people learn from their experience and other people’s mistakes; dumb people never do.

By Rell

July 31, 2008 11:35 AM | Link to this

lets see

first let me thank tracie- thanks for showing me what i can do when i am in love and have direction

apryl - for showing me what the rebound phase looks like and my weakness/clingness trait that i had

shavon - for showing me that i can be loyal and dedicated even when the package is not all that

kiesha - for helping me realized that mary jane was not good for me

mary jane - thanks for the memories

cindy - thanks for showing me that a mans word is everything

and to all the rest of the women that laid under me - thanks for a good time…lol

By Foots

July 31, 2008 11:41 AM | Link to this

Tazzee On letting a man lead - I learned to make sure he knew where he was going before I decided to follow.

Yes, indeed. Even John Gray says that “Women love a man with a plan”. My mother told me years ago that the only reason why I was afraid to give up some control in my relationships is that I wasn’t sure that the man could handle it if I did. I couldn’t trust him to lead because I needed evidence that he knew where he was going first. She said that once I found one who had a direction for his own life, was able to handle his own business, and had my best interests in mind, I would be able trust him enough to let him lead.

So I started handling it like they do with a job. If you’re new, they give you a little responsiblity. After you’ve proven that you can handle that, they give you a little more. If they see you can handle all your responsiblities and others too, that gets you the promotion.

My friends have chided me because I’d drop a man who couldn’t handle his own business. But when I asked how could I ever trust him to handle the business of a family if he couldn’t even handle his own alone, they didn’t have answers for that.

By Dan

July 31, 2008 11:50 AM | Link to this

For me:

To tonya: thank you for showing me that men and women can be friends, if only briefly.

To di: thank you for showing me that choices have consequences.

To rachel: thank you for showing me that “love at first sight” is real.

To type: thank you for being there when we needed each other.

To twin: thank you for showing me that perception can inform reality. And that both perceptions must be considered.

To poca: thank you for showing me that even as an adult, I can be silly with a woman I care about; for showing me that women do drink; for sharing your inner beauty with me; for being one of the slickest chicks that I know.

To all others: thank you for broadening my mind, my sexual experience(s), and my outlook. And thank you for showing me that all and some are different.

and thanks for lack of paternity suits

By Foots

July 31, 2008 11:57 AM | Link to this

Beautiful Man shortage? Even if there are 15 available men to every woman, you (collective, not specific) probably wouldn’t want 7 of them and 7 of the rest wouldn’t want you. You only need that one who is a good fit. Men have the same problems finding someone of quality also, if they are looking for specific traits they’d like their wife to have, as Binford states. The more adjectives you place in front of “Man” or “Woman” to describe the type of person you want, the less you’ll have to choose from anyway.

It is possible to let a man know you are interested in him without chasing. We are pros at the lingering stare, the brush-by, waiting a little too long in one spot, the “hey, girl, Imma go to the bathroom by myself” walk to give a man a chance to approach. From what I’ve heard from male friends, the whole idea behind men wanting women to approach is that they are tired of the rejection from uninterested and unreceptive women and they want to connect with women who are interested in them. They don’t mind doing the approaching, as long as they believe that she will be receptive. Granted, some men are just lazy and want women to do all the initial work. But most, I believe, are just tired of the unreceptiveness and negative vibe that women give off sometimes when they are approached.

By Page1908

July 31, 2008 11:58 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Dan! ctfu @ paternity suits

Can someone send me some funny emails, please! QC and Staceye are slippin this week lol.

pageantgirl_1908 at Y dot com.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

July 31, 2008 11:58 AM | Link to this

I also would like to thank all my corporate boppers, for showing me there’s a diffference between industry chics, and in-da-street chics…

By mqew

July 31, 2008 12:01 PM | Link to this

Uuummmmmm…

I’d like to thank….

Jumpmaster because he made me realize who I truly wanted to be with for the rest of my lyfe..

Kacy for showing me an honest, nice, good time because I needed to get away

Lewis for making sure I always looked out for #1 as well as trying to do so himself

Stan for reminding me how attractive I am inside and out

Jack for showing me what an azzhole really is

Leon & Mark for being a friend since hs and not tryin me

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 31, 2008 12:04 PM | Link to this

My friends have chided me because I’d drop a man who couldn’t handle his own business. But when I asked how could I ever trust him to handle the business of a family if he couldn’t even handle his own alone I do not blame you. I would do the same thing. I am more inclined to sit back if I see the guy I am with knows what he is doing. If we are both messed up then why would I let you take charge and you are clueless? I am ok..not where I wnat to be yet..but getting close. I love men with goals and actively go for them….instead of hating on others and taking what hand they were dealt ans saying oh well this is my life. No got make it better! Ambition and drive are my biggest turn ons.

**Page..I am working on some. LOL You kow I have been out of the game since Monday.

By C tha 1

July 31, 2008 12:05 PM | Link to this

As far as men chasing women, putting in work, doing due diligence, whatever you want to call it, the answer is simple. All women ain’t worth it Once again this is sad but true. And its not like yall ladies don’t know either … if a man is putting in real work, its because he geniunely likes you. Does he want your body? OF COURSE! But he’s putting in the effort to get to know you on a deeper level no matter how many times you refute his efforts.

At the same time women automatically know how much work a man has to put in within 5 to 10 minutes of the initial encounter. So for ladies letting dudes hit after a good week or two then it is what it is. Trust me some other dude peeped game and is going to take the path of least resistance.

I’ve even heard the saying that A woman’s heart should be so lost in God a man would have to seek Him first before he finds her. Well you got some church going dudes who are wolf in sheeps clothing that’ll do anything to get under a woman’s clothes.

I’ve been accused of not trying hard enough before.You could have had me if you just tried a little harder I was starting to like you. It is what it is, because I’ve also been told that I tried too hard and came on too strong. Why can’t you catch a hint…I’m not looking for anyone to date right now. Age has taught me that when dealing with a woman you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Ladies if its you that ultimately makes the choice then its on you to start making better decisions. Women dictate dating … Men dictate marriage.

By Page1908

July 31, 2008 12:09 PM | Link to this

Staceye LOL step your email game up, girl! LOL j/k…I’ll give you a pass this week eyeroll

By IslandGirl

July 31, 2008 12:14 PM | Link to this

Staceye I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better…the ATL smog is no joke.

Dan ^5 on the posts

Hope everyone is doing well today.

Real STOP IT! You’re on a roll.

I have to thank: God for giving me the patience of Job….cause I would have been on the evening news (in a bad way) by now.

By SlimOne

July 31, 2008 12:18 PM | Link to this

I’d like to Thank:…

Ronald McDonald for letting me know that Starbucks just ain’t for everybody.

Mr. Bugga King for them $1 french toast sticks. If i got 4 quarters, I got a meal.

Breusters for those solo Friday nights on the couch. Sometimes a little coldness mixed with skrawberry topping can beat a warm body anyday.

Prince/Purple Rain for making love to my mind, body and soul without me even having to be touched.

Grey Goose for showing me how to loosen up and find my inner h0-ness.

By Beautiful

July 31, 2008 12:18 PM | Link to this

yes foots, man shortage. every guy on this blog right now knows of it … and prolly taking advantage of it.

c tha 1 you’re making wife hunting too hard for yourself. it seems to me that you’re thinking too much. i tell my friends all the time i wish i was born a man. cause i would be doing the choosing instead of being the choosen.

staceye glad to see you back in the game chica!

By Page1908

July 31, 2008 12:21 PM | Link to this

C tha 1 WOW! I like this: Women dictate dating…men dictate marriage..This is very interesting, yet profound.

Ladies…I think it’s that time again for me to send around the If a Man Wants You email…LOL

By melo

July 31, 2008 12:24 PM | Link to this

I have to thank: God for giving me the patience of Job….cause I would have been on the evening news (in a bad way) by now WHAaaaaaaT….? and why? Grey Goose for showing me how to loosen up and find my inner h0-ness i wl remember that and keep that drank in my cabinet for my females visitors……

By Beautiful

July 31, 2008 12:25 PM | Link to this

foots if it exist. i wouldn’t be surprised if a MAN started this rumor to improve his game. smh. as i said before, i didn’t see it while i was there.

By IslandGirl

July 31, 2008 12:27 PM | Link to this

C tha 1 ^5…double take ^5. This is the best post I’ve read in a long time. So true are your thoughts.

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 31, 2008 12:29 PM | Link to this

Thanks Island girl You know I did not even feel the shots in my booty! LOL But since it was time fro my tetenus shot I got that too. Now that hurt..that’s because it was in my arm!No cushioo there!

**Beautiful….thanks mama! I wa sleeping on and off like a crackhead with the meds they gave me. I was walking around my crib like a zombie.I did not even take my Ambien because the other meds did me in. I was trying to end up the next accidental overdose! Unfortunately, I still made high calls to people. Girl I do not remember talking to these people! LOL Ambien does that to me enough…but this is nuts!

Page send it girl…

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 12:30 PM | Link to this

C tha 1 Ladies if its you that ultimately makes the choice then its on you to start making better decisions. Women dictate dating … Men dictate marriage.

That is gospel.

Beautiful I have to agree with Foots in that there is no true man shortage - there’s just a ‘man you want’ shortage. Then you have to filter through all the others to get to the one you want, at which time you might discover he doesn’t want you. Then the cycle starts all over again. I meet ‘good men’ all the time but they aren’t necessarily for me.

By mytwocents

July 31, 2008 12:30 PM | Link to this

I thank em all for helping with my future son. I’ll get him off mama’s milk while he’s still an infant. Can’t re-raise a grown @ss man but lots of em are still nursing. Not that there aren’t those Women who look for these special projects to mold, tho…

By m'karyl

July 31, 2008 12:31 PM | Link to this

Very interesting post to today’s topic…good dialogue and responses…Dan is on…I like it when he post introspective, reflective and self-actualized blogs…melo okay too…and of course, ARed, Foots, SexyLeggs and the sister crew always on point…Staceye, I am glad that you are doing better…I am sure that this weather has not helped you condition…the South can be brutal on ppl with asthma…one reason why my daugther stayed in IL…

By Page1908

July 31, 2008 12:38 PM | Link to this

Staceye Ok, I’ll send it. Let me check, I think it’s from 2006 LOL.

Dan and C tha 1: I would like to get your take on it as well, so can you pls buzz me on email and I’ll send it once I find it. lol

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 31, 2008 12:38 PM | Link to this

Thanks M’Karyl Yeah this weather is murder on my lungs. I feel starnge since I have not worked out since Monday. I was sick then but you know I gots to get my 2x a day work outs in. Well even in bed I was trying to do crunches and leg lifts! Did not have the strength to do push ups!

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 12:39 PM | Link to this

SlimOne those Burger King french toast sticks used to be my daily breakfast back in college. Then when I graduated and got a job, I upgraded to getting the french toast sticks from Shoney’s breakfast buffet.

By Foots

July 31, 2008 12:41 PM | Link to this

Beautiful yes foots, man shortage. every guy on this blog right now knows of it … and prolly taking advantage of it.

You can only worry about how YOU see it. If you feel there is a shortage, you’ll feel like there is competition for what should be yours. Think of how people act if they see there’s only one Wii left on Christmas Eve, they’ll do ANYTHING to get it. Patient and smart people watch them fight it out, and wait for the next shipment in two days. Knowing that there’s more where that came from lessens desperation exponentially. Understand?

Ctha1 Ladies if its you that ultimately makes the choice then its on you to start making better decisions.

Wholeheartedly agree.

Age has taught me that when dealing with a woman you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

True for both sexes. Then you learn that it’s not that people are just crazy, that chemistry and attraction are really important to determine how far something will go. And to steal John Gray’s order of the four levels of chemistry for women, it is Mental—->Emotional—->Physical—->Spiritual. For men, it is Physical—->Mental—->Emotional—->Spiritual.

You guys are right to understand that if you get a woman’s mind first, through your personality, your interests, etc, it is easier to get everything else. Women have to understand that men generally have a natural physical attraction first to pave the way for everything else, and nothing is wrong with that…but it doesn’t mean that physical only means sex. It’s just that he recognizes he is turned on by the outside first, before he recognizes that a particular woman turns his mind on too.

For me especially, a man I am attracted to on all levels can call me twice a day every day and I’ll look forward to his calls. A man I’m not attracted to on any level can just think about calling me and I’ll immediately get the gas face. Knowing that about myself has helped me to understand that not every man wants me and experiences attraction towards me either, and I’m fine with that.

By SexyLeggs

July 31, 2008 12:46 PM | Link to this

Dan, you’re on mark today. Like to thank all the guys who’s posting about what a girl/woman taught them. Good to read things like that. We know you harda$$ are learning something from us (LOL)!

OMG SlimOne, that Grey Goose comment was too funny.

By IslandGirl

July 31, 2008 12:47 PM | Link to this

Melo You know there are times you have to deal with real idiots in this world. If I did not have patience and a sound mind..trust me.

By m'karyl

July 31, 2008 12:56 PM | Link to this

@Tazee

Then when I graduated and got a job, I upgraded to getting the french toast sticks from Shoney’s breakfast buffet.

that be funny…remember moments like that well…when some simple thing meant an upwardly mobile shift in economics…lol..like being able to buy TP by the pack and not the roll…lol…4 pk to 12 pk to 24 pk…and not having to scam 1/2 & 1/2 creamers from mickey dee’s…those where the days my friend, we thought they would never end…lol

@Staceye

Do not over do yourself too much…looking good is great but not at the expense of your health sweetie.

By SexyLeggs

July 31, 2008 1:00 PM | Link to this

I’d like to thank:

MNorman for showing me what a true shyster sounds like.

I’d like to thank:

JC for letting me realize what it means to fight fire w/fire

I’d like to thank:

DG for letting me realize my list was too short.

I’d like to thank:

JJ for giving me that first taste of real love

And finally, I’d like to thank:

SA for always having my back!

By Foots

July 31, 2008 1:01 PM | Link to this

Staceye Glad you are feeling better! Yesterday, I was talking about a book and in it there’s a chapter (chapter 10) that describes the frustration we all have felt at some time and why. Click here

By Beautiful

July 31, 2008 1:07 PM | Link to this

i would like to thank mercedes for showing me that he’s not the only good man in this world. and that it’s ok to look beyond him.

i would like to thank tahoe for showing me that a house, college degree, and a great body doesn’t equal husband material.

i would like to thank durango for showing me that being cautious and protecting your heart will save you time and heartbreak in the future.

i would like to thank mercedes2 for showing me that the outside should not matter, BUT selfishness does!

By melo

July 31, 2008 1:10 PM | Link to this

Beautiful dnt believe the hype,there is a man shortage out there wman are crying loud about it eve day..if u take the popn alone,ratio of man to wmen is about 1 to 2.Then if u filter to the one u like/ur target profile etc,u making it even harder for yrself b4 u even begin to date,only to find out No,their personality etc does not fit urs and then u back to sq 1. A majority of females want a man in summer,when they go on vac, and in winter when it gets cold and in times in between but they cant get any….so…But the clever ones wil try to use semantics and deception.and females feel good terms to hoodwink and mask their anguish and thirst…its a good tactic to sell books and motivate other wmen but sadly that wont get u no dykkkk.

By Beautiful

July 31, 2008 1:10 PM | Link to this

wow foots, this is nice! see y’all later. instead of blogging, imma read a bit.

By 2 Can Play That Game©

July 31, 2008 1:13 PM | Link to this

hmmm…..if every encounter ‘sposed to be a learning experience, and you ‘sposed to count it all joy, then that means, I also gotta thank:

them cats at the old Greenbriar Flea Market, who beat me outta $400 with that silly azz card trick.

By Foots

July 31, 2008 1:21 PM | Link to this

melo If all a woman wants is what’s in a man’s pants, she doesn’t have ANY problem getting it. Truthfully, I have never felt a shortage personally, nor the desperation that comes along with feeling like there’s a shortage. In that way, my perception is my reality, as Dan said earlier.

2Can You learned not to fall for silly azz tricks anymore, didn’t you? With the added lesson of having your money in your bank account instead of carrying it around in your pocket. LOL!!

By m'karyl

July 31, 2008 1:22 PM | Link to this

I will thank each and everyone of them, whomever they may have been…to spend one minute in this moment regretting the decisions that I made of my own volition and free will to emotionally engage in a relationship with someone who was not a good fit for me…would be such a tragic waste of my precious life energy today…I am stronger…wiser…more accountable for my decisions and my emotional best interest…I am a far better person for having the epxeriences to learn who I am and what I need to do and who I need to be for my own well-being…and any of those ppl who at one time were the object of my emotional attachment were only the textbooks I needed to read in order to learn and to grow…I am who I am today because of where I have been in all those long ago yesterdays.

By melo

July 31, 2008 1:24 PM | Link to this

2Can Play That Game they made u win at 1st hah..then cleaned ur azz….thats an international azz card trick,played in the backwaters in africa,europe,brazil etc…..lol

By Dan

July 31, 2008 1:25 PM | Link to this

There is a common conceptualized and stated idea among increasingly successful young black men that becuase you are achieving and attaining success, you are to be valued.

The problem with this is not the attitude per se, but the underlying root cause—-again self esteem.

It not that success defines your capacity, its your capacity that defines your success.

Now while I have friends with this attitude, I’ve had to examine my own feelings on the subject as well.

Am I a “catch” because of what I have attained or am attempting to attain? Or am I a “catch” becuase of the man that I am inherently?

I can look in the mirror and answer-no to the former; and yes to the latter. Where my friends and I disagree are there respective answers.

By melo

July 31, 2008 1:27 PM | Link to this

If all a woman wants is what’s in a man’s pants never said that,we all say pants as in expression but in reality we mean companionship and most females desire that…and i can guarantee u on this,no wman can hide behind a fingure and say they have their own reality…..thats just a game to avoid the harsh reality of it all and shut up the debate………..

By Rell

July 31, 2008 1:30 PM | Link to this

Grey Goose for showing me how to loosen up and find my inner h0-ness.

this is why i stan for this chick…hilarious…..

staceye awww lady you sick…must be a lack of vitamin D you need to hurry and get some into your immune system….lol

i would like to thank all the strippers….they showed me that everyone has a price….and that all women secretly crave the attention over the money…pause…think on that for a second

i would like to thank Persia, janet jacme, D, cherokee, india, heather hunter, carmen hayes, carmen, strokers, foxy lady, pleasures, blue flame, burning sands, pin-ups, dream girls, queen city, club blaze, gentlemans club, nikkies, lil nikkies, the orginial body tap, body tap, dancers elite, oasis, shooters alley, foolies, starship, inserections, friction dances at inserections……and you already know why…lol

By Foots

July 31, 2008 1:31 PM | Link to this

melo if u take the popn alone,ratio of man to wmen is about 1 to 2

By the way, the ratio of male to female in the US is 1:1 in our age group. It decreases as we get older, because female life expectancy is longer. Click here for cia.gov info on the US, People section.

I see the world through my own eyes first. What I experience IS my reality. No doubt about that.

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 1:37 PM | Link to this

Inherently??? What do you have???

And what is success???

By melo

July 31, 2008 1:38 PM | Link to this

Am I a “catch” because of what I have attained or am attempting to attain? Or am I a “catch” becuase of the man that I am inherently? thats one and the same thing if u ask me…a man who inherently has it wl have the ambition and drive to achieve what he set out to do.And u can measure him by the level of his success.Yu cannot be a man unless u have drive,ambition and guts and ambition to fall,wake up and do it all over again until u get there.And the results ultimately will define u…a perpetual failure(one who fails at evrything they do) cannot be a true man…. And once u have attained,ofcourse u have to find urself a wman who appreciates where u came from and where u at…..most wmen want security foremost so,why not…if im successful,yeah most wmen wl want me…

By m'karyl

July 31, 2008 1:42 PM | Link to this

@Dan 1:25 PM post

Uh-huh…and it goes both ways…because there are some women who only validate a man’s value as a catch because he is successful, etc…When I lived in the ATL, I listened to a lot of women speak in those terms and I found it to be very shallow…we can either objective ourselves or others based on very superficial standards…but to be able to truly evaluate oneself by a set of self-actualized measures is by far the best way to know how valuable we are as individual ppl.

By melo

July 31, 2008 1:46 PM | Link to this

1:1 in our age group i saw that but i thogt those stats have evrybody in there,white,black,hispanic etc…is it the same for black america? i knw sme of u are looking at going outside but wld that be most or a tiny few? i stand corrected,thanx….

By Dan

July 31, 2008 1:46 PM | Link to this

@Raqi

I possess: honor, courage, strength of mind, body, and will, intellect, determination, drive, love in my heart for those that would hate me, and love in my heart for those that would take from me, integrity, character….shall I go on?

Most of all, I have the two senses God has granted me: knowledge of Him, and the desire to gain knowledge of self. In that, I am complete.

Success is what you make of it. Some consider material items representative of success, others- personal growth, others still- family, others- recognition. Success is what you feel about your life, not compared with anyone else’s, but to your own goals.

Success in this case, is being able to answer your insipid question with a smile on my face and in that, I’m doing fine…

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 1:48 PM | Link to this

Dan I think it depends on what type of person you want to catch you. The same is true for women, there are some that put so much emphasis on their outward qualities that the inner is lacking.

By melo

July 31, 2008 1:49 PM | Link to this

I see the world through my own eyes *first(then what). What I experience IS my reality*…. funny hw we agree but……

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 1:59 PM | Link to this

People we are a whole person. Why do we constantly insist on dissecting ourselves and the opposite sex?

If I removed this, that and other (Humor, money and power) from me would she still want me? Well look at it like this if I removed three of my fingers and two my toes would you still want me? Yes it is the same thing cause it is everything about me that makes me me.

We are who we are because of who we are. Stop slicing and dicing and leave the full individual intact.

By i'm swiss

July 31, 2008 2:05 PM | Link to this

“…but after 2 steroid shots in the booty…”

Um, Staceye… So, are you telling us that your booty is now performance enhanced??? ;-)

On topic: I try to learn something from pretty much everyone I encounter — dating or otherwise. Guess I’m kind of a nerd that way. But probably the best thing I learned came from my first serious crush — and that was simply how not to be an insanely jealous psycho. Oh, and I also picked up some excellent p-dussy eating tips from a lesbian ex of mine. ;-) LOL

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 2:06 PM | Link to this

In conjunction with today’s topic everything that happened in my life is why I am who I am today. The guys that stated they didn’t want to be with me because I had two kids didn’t want me. The road I traveled that produced those kids is the same road that gave me the power to be who I am. My sassiness came by way of hard knocks. If love that about me you have to accept what I went thru to get it.

By melo

July 31, 2008 2:13 PM | Link to this

i’m swiss u male?

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 2:16 PM | Link to this

What good are those possessions you naturally hold if they are not what aid you in your quest for success? Whatever it may be. How would you know they even exist if you never had to utilize them to be the successful individual (heart, body, soul, career, finances, hobbies) that you are today? It honorable to be a man. It takes courage to live your dream. It takes perseverance to hold when the road seems bleak. And everything else that you named plays a part in your decisions in life making you the whole person you are today.

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 2:18 PM | Link to this

Raqi I don’t view it as slicing and dicing but looking at self to make sure we are focusing on those things that truly matter. And I also make sure that the man I choose is more enamored with those things.

By lurker

July 31, 2008 2:20 PM | Link to this

Raquella you just turned around and did it yourself! WTF.

By AmazonRed

July 31, 2008 2:21 PM | Link to this

Hmm, Mercedes, Mercedes2, Durango and Tahoe. Interesting collection. Rather telling.

Angie - What do you drive?

By Poppa Grande

July 31, 2008 2:22 PM | Link to this

Dan

What is success?

Material things? I hope not.

What good are obtaining material things, but losing your soul (or not being true to yourself) in the process? The Bible even speaks to this point.

On Topic

What I have to say on topic may sound like the so-called Obama-like arrogance.

I most thank me.

I put my self out there to begin with (not being afraid of rejection). I was willing to date different races, origins, etc. The process was more important than the people. The lessons that I learned were due to living life and taking the lumps. Life is a journey and love is just one part of that journey.

I learned three major lessons throughout the process. First, be true to myself. Ultimately, I have to live with myself and my choices. I can’t run from me. I have to be able to at myself in the mirror and be confident that I did not compromise my beliefs for anyone else, even for some “kitty”. It goes back to the bigger picture of a “person who won’t stand for something, will fall for anything.” That includes kitty.

Second, there are no rules to love. Some people (particularly women) like to put rules on relationships such don’t have sex on the first date, etc. Ultimately, it goes back to the first point. If you are true to yourself, things will fall into place. Things will happen naturally instead of in a forced way.

Third, I learn through the process that * you don’t find love. It finds you, but you have to be prepared for it*. This too goes back to being true to yourself. Before proposing to my wife, I asked my did I love her or did I just love the things that she did for me? Looking back, that was the sign that I was ready for the next chapter of the journey: Marriage.

These lessons don’t stop after marriage.

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 2:25 PM | Link to this

Also - there are some folks that have a lot of material things because that is what they’ve focused on and desire more than anything else. They may think they are a good catch because of those material things when in actuality they may not be because they value those things more than they do their relationships with others.

And when I meet a man, I do look to see if his tangible success is a result of a cutthroat mentality or a product of his discipline, character and integrity.

I take that back - slicing and dicing is needed IMO to get to the core of the person.

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 2:26 PM | Link to this

Tazzee it all matters. Heck the pinhead size flush mole on my butt matters. It’s me.

And the man that finds you will be.

By Jamoca

July 31, 2008 2:29 PM | Link to this

…had to come outta lurk just to say:

Raqi:

In regards to your 2:06 and 2:16…those were some “bad azz” posts, sis!…I couldn’t help but cosign to em’…ABSOLUTELY loved em’!

…and Good Afternoon to everyone….

…MyTwoFri-TaTas, what’s goin’ on, missy?!…I hear ya’.

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 2:29 PM | Link to this

lurker please elab.

By i'm swiss

July 31, 2008 2:31 PM | Link to this

@melo — Yep.

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 2:37 PM | Link to this

Raqi I’m sorry but I don’t believe that what type of car I drive matters in the grand scheme of things. Yes, I’ll maintain my car, but I think spending more time on developing my character than making sure my car is super clean, my face is properly stamped and there’s not a hair out of place is more important.

Yeah the freckle on my ring finger is cute but if that’s one of the main reasons a man wants to place a ring there - then we have a problem IMO. Does he want me because he has a ‘freckle on the ring finger’ fetish, or because of the person I am?

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 2:39 PM | Link to this

Tazzee that’s who that person is. And possibly a good catch for someone. If you took away their love materialism that would not be that person they are today.

I firmly believe that it is the everything about us that make us.

By melo

July 31, 2008 2:42 PM | Link to this

what is to be true to oneself,is that a restriction to dealing in only what u knw..and like and u are about?

By abc

July 31, 2008 2:48 PM | Link to this

I’d like to think that past relationships haven’t affected my personality, per se. Personality has to do with sense of self, one’s place in the world and among the rest of its inhabitants, and how one feels they should appropriately interact. If I’ve had relationships that proved to me that I couldn’t trust them or that they didn’t care to be dedicated to me, I know that had some affect on me, but I hope not to the extent that it modified my personality. If I had relationships that demonstrated that I can be deemed worthy of admiration and dedication, I hope it didn’t affect my personality such that I’d come to believe I’m all that. And so on.

For the most part, I’d say that people relate to that which is a relationship’s after-effects as baggage. I’d hope that didn’t affect one’s personality, either.

By Poppa Grande

July 31, 2008 2:54 PM | Link to this

Melo

what is to be true to oneself,is that a restriction to dealing in only what u knw..and like and u are about?

Not necessarily. It is having some principles and beliefs that you follow. For many people, these are found in religion and faith (not necessarily a Preacher and church itself. Being true means, that if you know its know right, don’t do it.

A good example of this is the movie “Indecent Proposal”, where the millionaire offers a man a million dollars for an evening with the man’s wife. He compromised himself for money.

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 2:54 PM | Link to this

Tazzee you are misunderstanding me. I am saying we cannot take away from who we are still be who we are. No the type of you drive does not matter but it does says something about your preferences and/or choices. Do you get what I am saying now? No a guy shouldn’t want to be with you because you drive a Mercedez but your liking of the car is who you are. Do you see what I am saying?

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 2:55 PM | Link to this

Raqi yes, that is who that person is but if I don’t do a little slicing and dicing to see who they are at the core, I can’t determine if they are for me. If I don’t step back and look at why I truly want to be with a person and why they want to be with me, then I’m not doing my proper due diligence.

Everything there is about me makes me but if someone is more concerned with the superficial - those things that are depreciating, than what I believe matters then they are not the one for me.

And as I’ve stated before, if I’m more focused on developing my depreciating qualities then my priorities are out of order.

Kinda like the person that chooses to invest more in having the latest model car every year than investing in property that will actually last - that person won’t be the one for me and if I don’t slice and dice it, I won’t find that out.

By melo

July 31, 2008 3:03 PM | Link to this

I couldn’t trust them ,didn’t care to be dedicated to me,deemed worthy of admiration and dedication seems like for u,its about hw ur females clnt fit in ur world becoz of their ? and not necessarily becoz u may have been wrong urself,made a wrong move etc.So lemme ask u this,when did u realize u have ceased to grow as a person? I ask coz interaction with other pple will invariably make u realize,or open ur eyes to hw pple perceive things,either about u,the wrld, themselves,man..etc So hw can u have interaction with other pple and not learn from the experience?

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 3:03 PM | Link to this

Raqi I got you ;-) I think we’re on the same page.

By abc

July 31, 2008 3:08 PM | Link to this

melo, I’d consider that I learn things from everyone I interact with, not just romantic relationships. Thing is, I don’t consider that which I learn and know in a cerebral sense to have that much to do with what I consider to be my personality. One’s personality is more closely associated with who and what one is, as opposed to what one knows.

By Wise Diva

July 31, 2008 3:10 PM | Link to this

Sorry so quiet, Thursday is kicking my tale! GRR!

Great discussion from what I can tell! The fellas are really putting it down, on a CHICK topic, no less, LOL! Good job.

Ladies, keep bringing the knowledge!

By m'karyl

July 31, 2008 3:11 PM | Link to this

Well now, we gonna put today’s blog on the scene to be seen…see, and they say folks don’t be knowing what they be talking about…

By For Real

July 31, 2008 3:15 PM | Link to this

Tazzee This goes back to my saying “You don’t get to tell me how valueable you are to me.” statment. So listen up…..

YOU DON’T GET TO DETERMINE WHY SOMEONE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU! IT’S THEIR DECISION AND IT’S BASED ON THEIR REASONING AND YOU CAN BET IT AIN’T GOING TO MATCH YOUR REASONING!

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 3:15 PM | Link to this

Tazzee I think we are talking two different things here. Let me put it like this. I cannot separate Mason from his moody ways. I cannot remove him from his love of money. That’s who he is. To be with him I have to have the whole him. So rather than try to dissect him I learn to live with the him that he is.

By melo

July 31, 2008 3:16 PM | Link to this

abc,not just romantic relationships i understand that,but Diva is trying to find out if,from the 1st time u started meeting girlz,to now,is there anything u have learnt,positive and negative from those expnces and proly whether sme of ur initial perceptions about wmen and hw u view them have built ur character/persnality smewhat….

By Beautiful

July 31, 2008 3:17 PM | Link to this

mqew congrats on starting your own biz! i wish you much success. what type of business is it?

sup ARed! i drive my dream car, 06 honda accord with black leather interior. pretty!

i’m swiss you betta stop! you gonna make me jump thru this screen and tackle you. lol.

dan i like what i’m reading from you today.

foots i knew it! when i was there in GA, i had no prob getting dates. kp you should take a looksey at the link foots attached to her comment.

my motivation … that azz is! <————- kanye west. fellas???

brb.

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 3:22 PM | Link to this

LOL Tazzee ignore my last post. I see we are on the same page now.

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 3:26 PM | Link to this

melo I will answer that for abc. His relationships has taught him that women are nothing but bold face liars. And will do so at any cost. Therefore enabling him to deal with his present love as being full of it, however still loving her.

By Poppa Grande

July 31, 2008 3:26 PM | Link to this

Raqi

So rather than try to dissect him I learn to live with the him that he is.

That is exactly right. Our “flaws” are part of the total package.

-I put flaws in parenthesis because what me seem like a flaw to one person is not to another person.

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 3:31 PM | Link to this

For Real no, I don’t get to determine why someone wants to be with me. But if I don’t like the reason why they want to be with me I can choose not to be with them.

Raqi You can’t remove him from his love of money. I don’t want to make any assumptions about you or Mason, but I hope he doesn’t love money more than his health. And that’s what I’m talking about - again getting to that core, if getting money required that he get no sleep and basically work himself to death - is he willing to do that for his love of money?

Yes, we take the good with the bad. And when I see a quality I don’t particularly like about a guy I try to determine how much of that quality makes up his total being. If it’s a large part - then I walk away.

By mytwocents

July 31, 2008 3:32 PM | Link to this

My interpretation of “True to Self” is more of a take me as I am & I’ll meet you where you are” (if we can do so w/o a greater degree of difficilty than Cirque du Soleil.)

On to a more pressing matter for ME… Please someone else say they saw the Real HWs of Atlanta teaser show! Ne Ne is a No No, Im not gettin involved w/ Kim’s blonde doll baby hair wig or DaShawn’s Lady of the manor routine. Sheree’ looks to be the character PG promised & tho she may have ADHD, Lisa? Is prob gonna be my fave. Should be a Classic!

By Dan

July 31, 2008 3:33 PM | Link to this

@PG

Did you read my post?

Happiness is not in what you aquire, who/what you surround yourself with, or what you do for a living to quote Fight Club “you are not your job”

My point was happiness ain’t even in the mirror. It’s not in the reflection, happiness (like most energy) is not created and eminates it’s own radiance.

By abc

July 31, 2008 3:34 PM | Link to this

Okay, melo, but I don’t think my character and personality have been that much affected. I consider those more closely tied to my soul than to my brain.

Nonetheless, what have I learned from relationships? Hmmm.

When it’s working, it’s the greatest. When it’s broken, it’s ruinous. Anything in-between, it seems almost superfluous.

I could list point after point that I’ve learned about people in general and women in particular, or point after point about behaviors I’ve learned to modify because it’s either wrong, will incite another to confrontation, or both. Likewise, I’ve learned behaviors that will get the positive results I seek in others.

But that’s not my personality, that’s my social conduct. My personality is to be outgoing, up-front, honest, creative, spontaneous, thoughtful. Things like that aren’t affected by what I see in and learn from other people.

For instance, my Grandmother taught me to be polite, but my personality already was to want to be gracious, non-offensive to other people. Grandma’s lessons in manners allowed me to appear that way to other people. The difference between being polite and having grace is the difference between one’s conduct and personality, even as closely related as those things may be.

By SexyLeggs

July 31, 2008 3:36 PM | Link to this

Beautiful, are you joking w/that being your dream car?? If not, cool!

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 3:36 PM | Link to this

Raqi LOL - this doggone delay got us ‘talking’ over one another. And this is the most I’ve posted in a long time.

By AmazonRed

July 31, 2008 3:36 PM | Link to this

I was talking the “stay true to yourself” line at 9:58 this morning. Good too see a general consensus.

By mqew

July 31, 2008 3:36 PM | Link to this

Hey Beauti How’s the weather in Cali?

I’m a Personal Chef & Caterer

abc I think Wise was eluding to what changes if any…

By melo

July 31, 2008 3:43 PM | Link to this

very interesting discssion today,the unfortunate part is words cannot really convey who we are,only one to one interaction wl,but im trying to read ur characters,personalities etc in between……and sme of u are trying to lose me in semantics,but i can see thru ur sneaky wrds…..

By m'karyl

July 31, 2008 3:44 PM | Link to this

@Beautiful

He be Brotha Man Dan today…ummm…go head…go head

By melo

July 31, 2008 3:45 PM | Link to this

are you joking w/that being your dream car. sexxy hush,wanted to chime in but didnt want to be labelled………

By AmazonRed

July 31, 2008 3:46 PM | Link to this

SexyLeggs - How did I know you would say something to that? LOL.

Some folks have simple dreams. Makes them all that more attainable!

By mytwocents

July 31, 2008 3:46 PM | Link to this

What up, Breezy! It’s stormin here so ya know I’m diggin in the crates for some Faith Evans or sumthin…

By Blue Kolla

July 31, 2008 3:48 PM | Link to this

I just want to thank my ex-wifey for showing me what a triflin’ muthafukka can do to your finances; and the truth meaning of, “Protect you rself at all times.” LMAO

BrownSuga/And all yoll that’s co-signin’ Women are doing the chasing and men are doing the choosing. And apparently I’m the only one who seems to think something is wrong with that.

…but I was raised to believe that it’s a man’s job to court me. He does the chasing. I do the choosing.

That ain’t how it works with real men. You, WOMAN respect yourself first, which will require all others to respect you. Then, when I, MAN come along and recognize you as “Worthy Wifey Prospect”, I do the choosing.

Don’t inflate your position in this whole get-down.

Day’s Observations:

Old dude in the gators, long dress socks, shorts, t-shirt, and Bagger Vance golf cap, should not be laughed at for the purpose of ridicule, but maybe jived for humor and definitely respected simply b/c he’s paid some dues.

Flabby azz dudes walking around with these boy-t!itt!es, DO SOME PUSH-UPS!!

While I was out spending 30 bucks on a NIKE umbrella, I was being an idiot, because I could’ve gotten one just as slick at Target for 12.95

By Raqi

July 31, 2008 3:48 PM | Link to this

Poppa I agree. But that moodiness is a huge irritating flaw. He was in one of his moods yesterday and I was trying to talk him about something. He just straight out ignored me. So I ignored him back. I took my son and my father-in-law to IHOP for dinner and left his crusty cranky behind at home. Alone. I didn’t even tell him we were leaving.

Tazzee I do worry about that sometimes. Especially when he is lying in bed figuring deals and numbers back and forth in his head. I can sometimes tell when something is weighing heavy on his mind.

By Melissa

July 31, 2008 3:51 PM | Link to this

Tazzee Yes, we take the good with the bad. And when I see a quality I don’t particularly like about a guy I try to determine how much of that quality makes up his total being. If it’s a large part - then I walk away.

That brings up the “flip side of the coin” issue for me. What if a quality that you admire about a person becomes the thing that irritates you the most? It is the “how much is too much” question. I love drive and ambition in men, but when that drive and ambition is in excess and means that I never get to see him because he is always working, it gets to be too much. Or when attentiveness turns into suffocating-ness. Or when a desire for fun and playfulness becomes “Dayum, they childish!!”

I’m sure that there are qualities about me that my boyfriend loves, but are best taken in small doses. I might ask him what he feels those are, though I can probably rattle off at least three things right now…

By For Real

July 31, 2008 3:53 PM | Link to this

Tazzee But if I don’t like the reason why they want to be with me I can choose not to be with them.

So let me make sure I understand what you are saying. If you identify in yourself three things that you think/believe are reasons a man should want to be with you and that said man finds three other things in you but they don’t match your three things then you would have a problem with that man and what he found in you?

By Poppa Grande

July 31, 2008 3:55 PM | Link to this

Dan

I read it.

It wasn’t in the initial post.

Thanks.

my two tatas
It helps me remember that you are female

Have they started airing shows? I just saw Bob the other day. He is here in Atlanta. I think he told me that they were still taping, and he might be in some of the episodes. As for Sheree’, I wouldn’t rule out ADHD for her. I’ve known her for a minute and it fits her personality. Since we met, she can’t seem to sit still. Almost like a little kid.

By SlimOne

July 31, 2008 3:55 PM | Link to this

Question What’s a good chill spot thats not clubbish but a place you can go & actually hear & interact with the folks you’re with at the time…say on a Saturday night? anybody got any ideas?

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 31, 2008 3:59 PM | Link to this

M’Karyl you know I am a work out addict! If I gain a pound I freak out. Yes…I have a faithful date with my scale every mornining! Dreaded mornings! LOL But I know my frame has a lot of muscle mass so I have to say a lot of weight is from that. The other part is just my big ole azz! LOL

Thanks Foots!

Oh Rell got jokes?? LOL

Swiss I guess it is performance enhanced! Lord I hope it doesn’t get any bigger! Its only in one cheek! I do not want to be lop-sided! LOL

My favorite car is the one I have no payments on…oh wait…I got that! LOL

By For Real

July 31, 2008 3:59 PM | Link to this

Raqi I took my son and my father-in-law to IHOP for dinner and left his crusty cranky behind at home. Alone. I didn’t even tell him we were leaving.

Sounds like Mase got exactly what he wanted to me. Good girl.

I thought Staying True To Yourself is a committment to ones self. Why all the external stuff. Who cares where or what other people are doing? I made a deal with me not other people.

By SexyLeggs

July 31, 2008 4:02 PM | Link to this

Because I had a flashback!!!

Melo, don’t be scaired abt being labeled….speak your peace!

By Dan

July 31, 2008 4:03 PM | Link to this

@For Real

I got that in her post too.

@Tazzee

maybe he thinks you’re worth more than you do, or maybe more to him than to yourself….

@Melissa & Raqi

As one that often stares into space trying to conceptualize the dimesions of a particular business plan or deal, let me say, you’re there…

Not there in the sense of being a part of the process, but that the process flows from my feelings for you.

As I think of how best to provide for my family/my lady and what that takes, all manner of permutations flow through my mind about how to do that.

“How do I structure it? What is my percentage if this, this, or this happens? What about if this happens? Okay then this is the angle I push to get this for babygyrl, to get this for lil man, for me, and the rest goes into savings (church,investments, etc.)”

So I guess what I’m saying is even when I’m in my zone, you’re there too

By Foots

July 31, 2008 4:04 PM | Link to this

Oh, I’m posting in two names today…

For Real That’s actually a good question. I was thinking about that on the way to lunch today. What went through my mind was What if I spend all of this time honing and perfecting aspects of myself that I feel that the person for me would appreciate, and it turns out that the person for me is concerned about something altogether different?

Since none of us can see the future and few people can clearly articulate what they really want in another person anyway, I guess that the best that I can do is hone the qualities that I value in myself and other people with the full knowledge that although they may not be the primary reason that a man chooses to be with me. What I do to prepare myself may not be necessary to get him, but the preparation is likely necessary to bring me to the place where it’s possible to get him.

By Blue Kolla

July 31, 2008 4:08 PM | Link to this

Staceye But I know my frame has a lot of muscle mass so I have to say a lot of weight is from that. The other part is just my big ole azz! LOL

Low Road: You don’t even want me to say it. LOL

High Road: …silence is golden.

By mytwocents

July 31, 2008 4:09 PM | Link to this

PG No, it was like a get to know them preview but can’t recall when it starts. She kept sayin how her success intimidates but I just recently heard of her line. Has she been designing for years?

By melo

July 31, 2008 4:15 PM | Link to this

don’t be scaired abt being labeled actually thats a good idea,but i wanna hld off most of me from blog but my horniness……

By abc

July 31, 2008 4:20 PM | Link to this

Slimone, if you want a relatively quiet and tranquil spot to converse on a Saturday, you may wish to try the bars in some local hotels: Ritz-Carlton, Westin; Renaissance; Buckhead Marriott.

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 4:21 PM | Link to this

For Real/Dan I’m talking about the superficial, not the character. It’s been a while since I’ve met anyone like this, but one guy LOVED my hair. He hated it if I wore a ponytail and kept hinting that I should never cut my hair. It got to the point that if I wore a ponytail he had issue with and would make comments about why I don’t wear my hair down more…

Or the dude that is so impressed with my position at work. I have to keep reminding him that Corporate America is not for me and I plan to leave soon. Only to be met with questions about why - why not keep making the money, why do I want to go back to school, don’t I realize I might be making half of what I’m making now….If dude values my current position that much then he’s not the one for me.

So yes, if I feel he’s focusing on the external and not the internal - if he’s focusing on the things that can change at the drop of a hat, then I do have a problem with that.

Melissa I’ve always been told to take those little things that I like/dislike about a guy and multiply it by 100 to see what marriage would be like. So even those things that I may think are cute in the beginning might be annoying when magnified.

By Poppa Grande

July 31, 2008 4:21 PM | Link to this

mytwo

All I can say for sure is that she had a spot at the corner Howell Mill Road and 8th street called “Bella Azul”. It was on the backside of a building that includes a coffeehouse called “Octane”. Bob (her ex-husband) paid for the lease on the spot until recently. Then, the spot shut down once he stopped paying for it.

She seems to have a short attention span on her projects. She starts alot of stuff, but I haven’t seen her finish alot.

Bob is former NFL player (Atlanta Falcons), and her ex-husband. I think that she has kids from him and another professional athlete. I met her through him when they were married.

By For Real

July 31, 2008 4:26 PM | Link to this

Foots That’s my point exactly. That’s why a lot people miss out bc they are so focused on what they believe without understanding it’s the other person’s choice too and sometime a person can see thing in you that you can’t see yourself. I had friend that once told me I had a way of calming her when she sees or speaks to me. Now, how exactly does one work on their calming ability?

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 4:27 PM | Link to this

BTW - my entire discussion with Raqi and the subsequent comments stem from Dan’s earlier comment:

Am I a “catch” because of what I have attained or am attempting to attain? Or am I a “catch” becuase of the man that I am inherently?

By Foots

July 31, 2008 4:27 PM | Link to this

Dan Not there in the sense of being a part of the process, but that the process flows from my feelings for you. As I think of how best to provide for my family/my lady and what that takes, all manner of permutations flow through my mind about how to do that.

I can appreciate that. But seriously, this is where the balance and the understanding of ourselves and each other comes in. Personally, I know that my SO has to study for certifications and I understand him and his situation enough to know why he’s doing it and why his focus needs to be there at this time. But I still don’t want this to overshadow our time together. Fortunately for me, he understands that he tends to be one-track minded when he is focused on studying, so he appreciates my understanding of him and his needs by being attentive to me and my needs. If he has been studying and I’ve left him alone to do so, he will make himself take breaks to come sit with me or help me do something. We meet each other’s needs.

Now, I appreciate even more the harmony that two people can create when they weigh their partner’s needs and desires on the same balance with which they weigh their own. Work-life balance is applicable for both men and women. You can’t work so much on supplying physical needs that you neglect the emotional needs of the people you love.

By Staceye AKA Black Mamba

July 31, 2008 4:28 PM | Link to this

Shut up Blue!!! LOL

By Jamoca

July 31, 2008 4:28 PM | Link to this

Fri-TaTas….

It’s no betta here, I mean just gazing over what’s usually a breath-taking view…you’d swear that you caught a glimpse of the Tecora along with Demi doin’ the ole “hee-ho” on slave row #W78…(LOL!)…looks extremely gloomy, in the mid 80’s and mostly cloudy down here…makes me wanna dig up my “Stevie” and his “Songs in the Key of Life” today.

(now lemme go and fight this traffic, along w/ the senior citizens who have no business being behind nobody’s wheel…)

By Foots

July 31, 2008 4:29 PM | Link to this

Tazzee I’ve always been told to take those little things that I like/dislike about a guy and multiply it by 100 to see what marriage would be like

Now that’s scary.

By Beautiful

July 31, 2008 4:29 PM | Link to this

ared, sexy it has always been my fav for years. i like other cars like the small utilities made by mercedes and honda, but i’m nervous about the gas. this is my last car payment unless Mr. Beautiful wants to buy me another pretty car. lol.

m’karyl today is the first day i’ve paid attention to ALL of his posts. looking good bruh!

mqew the weather is cool and breezy in the evenings. it hasn’t been over 100 degrees in awhile. i sit on my porch at night with chewy and relax. it’s a great time to get some chapter reading out of the way.

page you got mail!

By melo

July 31, 2008 4:31 PM | Link to this

Poppa with her charcher and shyyyt,i think we are going to be reading in the ajc about her child support requirements suit and need 4 cash flw support in due course….keep posted to this page folks…

By Dan

July 31, 2008 4:32 PM | Link to this

@Taz

You saw that movie with Jamie Foxx, Mo Chestnut, and Gabby Reese?

Well, cutting your hair is like that for a man me at least. It hurts, it’s an act of aggression, and I definitely have the pain.

But could you have considered maybe that in the cases cited they were giving you the best advice they could offer? You presented a situation, and he tried to help by offering suggestions. Could that lie in the realm of possibility?

Plus, depending on your relationship and the depth of it, dude may only have the physical…you’re within your right not to share the rest. But if that’s what you give him, why be surprised if that’s all he has to comment on?

By ChurchLady

July 31, 2008 4:36 PM | Link to this

First I wanna give honor to my Lawd and Savior Jesus Christ, whose first in my life. And greetings to all disquished bloggers and to moderator for this lovely gathering place. You are deserving of mention.

I’s most thankful for the Lawd who saved my soul and allows the blood to run warm thru my veins yet again and keeps me in a sound mind. He allowed me wake up dis morning with the use of my limbs. He coulda had me laid out on the “coolin’ board” but he saw fit to keep me. Ahh Glory

I’s just so greatful to be in number. And eternally greatful to on the Lawd’s side. He’s able to keep me and I has my foots planted on the soild rock and I stand like a tree planted by the riverside. If I didn’t have anythang, long as i got the Lawd, Imma be Ok. If he don’t do another thang, he already done enuff. *AHHHHHHH Glory!!!!!!!!!! Thank-YA

By Dan

July 31, 2008 4:38 PM | Link to this

@Foots

If he’s at any of those series or CF or PA…he on one.

But in times like that your focus can be on the task at hand, if for no other reason than to get your head around it.

When I was studying for my 6, I offered the young lady that I was seeing at the time the choice: I can come round and be focused for x hours, or I can stay gone for x days, or I can get through this and hope to see you on the other side.

That’s how I dealt with it.

And she did what was best for her and that meant leaving me to do my thing and see her on the other side. Her patience was well rewarded…

By For Real

July 31, 2008 4:38 PM | Link to this

Tazzee Change is constant what makes you thing your character isn’t going to change at the same rate that your physical changes? As Raqi was stating earlier, “It all you” your hair, your job and the way you scratch the bottom of your feet when you take your shoes off after work. You keep mentioning focusing on your physical is a bad thing but that the first thing anyones sees and since character can only be seen when displayed what else do you want them to focus on? Unless you are constantly admitting that you the one that farted on the elevator.

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 4:39 PM | Link to this

Foots LOL, it is a little scary but I look at it in terms of dating a guy and seeing him twice a week. He may be real touchy feely and just loves to stroke my arm while we’re talking (wait, that’s me) - then I’d have to consider the fact that if we got married he may want to stroke on my arm everyday during conversations. Would that annoy the heck out of me or would it still be cute?

Similarly - if the fact that he likes to suck food out of his teeth for 20 minutes after each meal annoys me. How much more will it annoy me when we break bread daily as opposed to twice a week?

By melo

July 31, 2008 4:43 PM | Link to this

ChurchLady ur prayer dnt seem sincere to me…………..

By For Real

July 31, 2008 4:46 PM | Link to this

Melissa Always start with yourself when you are trying to decipher what is wrong about another person. He is doing it too much or are you focusing on it too much?

By lurker

July 31, 2008 4:48 PM | Link to this

Similarly - if the fact that he likes to suck food out of his teeth for 20 minutes after each meal annoys me. How much more will it annoy me when we break bread daily as opposed to twice a week?

or you could introduce him to dental floss???

By For Real

July 31, 2008 4:49 PM | Link to this

Tazzee I’ve always been told to take those little things that I like/dislike about a guy and multiply it by 100 to see what marriage would be like.

Not true because people change. Nothing stays the same. Your flaw in your plan is you don’t account for change. Which is a critical error.

By melo

July 31, 2008 4:49 PM | Link to this

Would that annoy the heck out of me or would it still be cute wow,girl,hw long u think u going to take u to find that perfect guy….? eternity….

By Beautiful

July 31, 2008 4:51 PM | Link to this

ChurchLady was that from a movie? you sound like a run-away slave. lol.

Always start with yourself when you are trying to decipher what is wrong about another person ^5.

i’ve juggled too much today. i’m exhausted and it’s only 2:00!!!

good night kids!

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 4:51 PM | Link to this

Dan Neither incident resulted from me asking for advice or presenting a situation. With the hair incident, we’d known one another for quite a while so if the only thing he got out of our time together was the physical then that relationship was doomed from the start.

With the future plans one - perhaps I shouldn’t have used that example because this was fairly early in the ‘relationship’ - that’s more an example of me seeing what was more important to him and not liking it.

For Real Yes the physical is what attracts a man - but as you guys have said on here many times, it takes more than that to keep him. If, after a while, his main focus is the physical then I’m not going to look at him as serious, long-term relationship material.

By ChurchLady

July 31, 2008 4:53 PM | Link to this

Melo

I was just sharing what i is thankful fo.

By lurker

July 31, 2008 4:54 PM | Link to this

Similarly - if the fact that he likes to suck food out of his teeth for 20 minutes after each meal annoys me. How much more will it annoy me when we break bread daily as opposed to twice a week?

or you could introduce him to dental floss???

By sometimes lady lurker

July 31, 2008 4:54 PM | Link to this

For Real & Dan - Will you quit with the madness with Tazzee! You know good and well what she’s trying to say! It’s like this - suppose you were a millionaire. Would you want someone whose main reason for seeing you was your money or would you want them to care about your character, integrity, winning personality - things that would be there if overnight you lost all your millions! SMH!!!

By Poppa Grande

July 31, 2008 4:55 PM | Link to this

Foots & Tazzee

I’ve always been told to take those little things that I like/dislike about a guy and multiply it by 100 to see what marriage would be like

There is indeed some truth to that. Things that bother you before the vows don’t magically disappear. You just realize that they are now part of your daily life.

The next wedding anniversary for the wife and I will be our 10th. So, I can attest that you can adjust. Also remember, that your mate is thinking the same thing.

By Foots

July 31, 2008 4:56 PM | Link to this

Dan But could you have considered maybe that in the cases cited they were giving you the best advice they could offer?

That’s funny, because it sounded to me like she was making a statement to him about her decisions for her life, not asking for input or advice. That’s one of the main staples of relationship books, they always explain that sometimes, a man should just listen instead of trying to offer help or advice.

For Real I think of it like my educational training and looking for a new job. Do I need the first degree I have to get a new job in my current field, i.e. are they looking for that particular degree? No. But through earning that degree, did I develop qualities that would be attractive to a potential employer? Yes. That’s how I look at my preparation for a potential mate. I may consciously focus on some things that he cares nothing about, but in the process, I develop other qualities that are valuable to him.

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 4:56 PM | Link to this

For Real Not true because people change. Nothing stays the same. Your flaw in your plan is you don’t account for change. Which is a critical error.

That bit of advice I sited was to warn me of not going into a marriage with hopes that someone will change. Basically saying that if I can’t take him as he is now - with a little extra given the confines of marriage - then I might have a problem.

Sure people can change, but it’s not guaranteed that they will. So if something annoys me to no end now - then don’t hang my hat on the hopes that I’ll get him to change in a relationship.

By ???

July 31, 2008 4:56 PM | Link to this

I’d like to thank Dahmer, he taught me to smell my panties first before I get in the bed with him.

By SexyLeggs

July 31, 2008 4:59 PM | Link to this

Goodnight everyone!

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. ~Aristotle~

Keep those eyes and ears open!

By mytwocents

July 31, 2008 5:01 PM | Link to this

PG I think I poked my head in there once. She did mention Big Bob, huge 7 figure payout she’s lookin for from the divorce & how their great friendship did NOT a marriage make. Hmmm. Maybe she counts his success equally as her own… Who knows what all she put into it. I’m not touchin the star baby maker as career cuz I’ve been informed that it’s hatin to question. And i know u hate the Reality genre but I gotta luv em. They air in the perfect time slot to keep ta tas from entertaining those texts - it’s no longer a call- and stay outta trouble.

IV Real It may calm her if you’re listening, supportive, humorous, offering good advice & better Solutions than she’s been able to come up with and doing so effortlessly. If she’s single maybe u give her hope. D@m’n you & your stellar qualities!

By Foots

July 31, 2008 5:01 PM | Link to this

For Real It doesn’t have to be wrong, per se. But too much of a good thing ain’t good for you. There’s a reason why that phrase exists. Regardless of where the focus is, it is what it is. Dude can like that I cook and love to eat home-cooked meals every day and night. But if I’m always in the kitchen and never in the bedroom, it becomes a problem, right? Balance.

By melo

July 31, 2008 5:03 PM | Link to this

he taught me to smell my panties first better to take them off b4 u go in there..makes it easy 4 u and HIM

By Tazzee

July 31, 2008 5:03 PM | Link to this

Have a good night all!

By Foots

July 31, 2008 5:04 PM | Link to this

Big Poppa Also remember, that your mate is thinking the same thing.

And that’s the ONLY thing that allows me to put up with stuff that irritates the hellz out of me now. He probably hates the way I always touch my hair just as much as I hate his clothes on the floor.

Good night!!