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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2008 > April
April 2008
The great date debate
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of my girls recently went on a date with a financial planner she had met — dude picked her up, paid for dinner and drinks, etc. Later in the night, (and I can’t remember what she did that caused him to say this), he looked at her and said, “OHHHHH. You thought this was a date! She, of course, straight up lied to him and told him she didn’t and ended the outing graciously.
A couple of years ago I was meeting a guy for lunch, and then realized it might be a date — which I wouldn’t have accepted if I had known. It was too late to cancel, so I showed up with the longest, most heartfelt speech you can imagine about how I didn’t mean to lead him on and that I should have clarified before agreeing to meet him.
But it wasn’t a date. He just wanted to have lunch. And I felt a little silly for my Gettysburg-length address.
But this happens a lot. Unfortunately we don’t have clear rules in dating realm and even adults —even those of you who claim you’re so smooth — sometimes get their lines crossed. And I think sometimes people keep those lines intentionally blurred in the beginning so they can gauge someone else’s interest without having to embarrass themselves!
Have you ever thought something was a date when it wasn’t? Or how about finding yourself in the middle of a date you didn’t realize you agreed to? Anyone ever showed up to an event you thought was going to be one-on-one only to find it was a group activity?
Does someone actually need to use the word “date” when asking you out, or are there subtler ways to make your intentions known? Once you’re on the date, what do you think are good indicators (besides any physical intimacy) of what’s going on?
Let’s keep it light and breezy in here today, folks!
Permalink | Comments (319) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Family ties
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My father is probably about the best I could have ever asked for — and I didn’t even have a say in the matter! And I realize I’m fortunate to still have a wonderful daddy in the picture, as it’s abnormal for women my age.
And although this sounded a little too “Oedipus complex” for me when I was younger, I now see that I would prefer a potential mate have many of my father’s qualities (not all, mind you, but a few).
For example, I’ve found that I’m the most attracted to tall men with dark hair — like my father. I certainly don’t discriminate against hair color, but the men I am truly, tongue-dragging-on-the-floor attracted to from the get-go have that Clark Gable thing going on.
More importantly, I hope my husband sacrifices for his family has much as my father and my mother have. They’ve both always put each other and the rest of the family before themselves, and I think it’s paid off as my sister and I have grown up.
Would you marry someone like your parents? Do you find that people you date have qualities that are similar to those of your parents’? Or are you the opposite? Do you usually date people who nothing like your biological mother or father?
If one or both of your parents haven’t been in the picture for a long time, are there male or female figures in your life that you compare potential mates to? Aunts, uncles, friends or coworkers? Who in your life is a great example of what a partner should be like?
Permalink | Comments (8) | Post your comment | Categories: Family
Spring cleaning
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I know this sounds crazy, but I love spring cleaning! Getting rid of the junk I’m not using anymore and tidying things up leaves me feeling very calm and soothed.
I was doing some organizing last night, specifically clearing out old papers, clippings and such on my bookshelf, and I came across some old love letters. Some of them were even from men I have never loved, while others are from people I actually dated. And they range from poetic and genuine to hastily written with ulterior motives.
But letters are sometimes the most difficult thing for me to get rid of, even if I don’t love the person anymore. They provide a timeline of my life and also remind me of what I was dealing with emotionally at the time. Sometimes they make me sad, but many times they’re encouraging enough to hold on to for awhile.
Do you keep mementos from old boyfriends and girlfriends? How much is too much to hang onto after the relationship is over? Do you have more than just letters or e-mails — articles of clothing or other items? What should be trashed immediately and what’s OK to keep for awhile?
Who needs to do spring cleaning this year — and not just on your bookshelf? Do you need to clean up your dating rotation, your way with words or maybe your act? What’s going to leave you feeling organized in your dating life this spring?
Permalink | Comments (182) | Post your comment | Categories: Matters of the Heart
That’s why it’s in a movie
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love. And I don’t think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris - Carrie Bradshaw.
I can hardly wait until the Sex and the City movie next month! I know that many people abhor the show, but I am trying to make a point here. When Carrie was talking about the love she wanted, I sat there cringing at the thought of “inconvenient and consuming” love. Oh please!
I have to say, I don’t like the idea of being consumed or obsessed by anything, not even a man. I definitely want passion in a relationship, but I don’t think it should make you miserable. Chemistry and passion are fantastic, but it could never sustain a relationship over time.
If you are dating someone and the chemistry just isn’t there, do you put in some effort to see if it can grow? Do you think the lack of spark means they are not the one for you?
Is the “ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love” really attainable?
Do you think we set ourselves up for failure when we see these shows, movies, etc. depict romance and relationships? Aren’t we smart enough to know that real life love is completely different than what Hollywood manufactures?
Permalink | Comments (283) | Categories: Pop Culture
Grounds for dismissal
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When you are dating, I think that you are getting to know each other for a reason. You are learning what makes each other tick. If you pay attention, you will know what is considered: out of bounds, unnecessary roughness, or unsportsman-like behavior, to the person you are seeing, you know what I’m saying?
When I feel as if certain boundary lines are crossed, I get a little antsy - and I don’t do antsy. Well, not graciously, that is. This seems to be happening more often for some reason. I am not sure what it says about me and/or the men I date. I plan to figure this out ASAP.
When a person clearly tells you what their boundaries are, and you consistently disregard them, don’t act all indignant when they dismiss you on the grounds of being a stubborn blockhead - but I digress.
Do you think we need boundaries when we are dating? If so, how would you establish the boundaries in your dating and/or relationships?
Has someone you just started dating ever tested your personal boundaries? How do you handle that?
Permalink | Comments (350) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Birth Control for Men?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have you heard about the birth control for men that is expected to be available next year? No, this birth control does not involve a guy spending the day with badly behaving children. It’s an actual pill (or injection) that men would take that would release small doses of hormones, not unlike the female birth control.
Taking a look at the so called “side effects” for men, they don’t seem as scary as the ones associated with female birth control. I read about weight gain of about four to ten pounds, but that would mostly in muscle mass (no fair!), and it lowers the good cholesterol.
What do you think of the birth control for men?
Guys, would you consider taking it? I know men generally have an aversion to going to the doctor, but would you be interested in finding out more about it?
Ladies, would you want your man to take it? Would you want to know if the guy you were dating was on it?
A friend of mine was curious about how much it would cost and wondered if women would be willing to pay for their men to have it. What do you think about sharing the cost of birth control?
Video: Dr. Gupta discusses the male birth control
Permalink | Comments (315) | Post your comment | Categories: Current Events
Are Babies the New Boyfriend?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s starting to look like babies are the new boyfriend. Some single women are deciding to put all that man hunting energy into finding ways to have a baby. I know women who adopted children, froze their viable eggs for later, got artificially inseminated, or asked potential donors to father a child. Do you think this means women are giving up on finding men? Perhaps women think the men won’t show up during their child-bearing years?
A reader sent me this article, that talks about different experiences of women who found themselves facing motherhood alone.
I wonder how far and how long this trend will go? Although many still desire traditional families, do you think we will continue to seek this out?
Ladies, do you think babies are the new boyfriends? Are your friends and/or relatives opting to have babies alone on purpose? Have you considered motherhood minus the man to raise it with you?
Men, what do you think about women who choose to be single mothers? Would it bother you if you met someone who decided to become a mother without a mate? Do you ever worry if the woman you are dating is only interested in you for procreation only?
Permalink | Comments (353) | Post your comment | Categories: Current Events
Spring in the City
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
What a gorgeous weekend we just had! It was perfect Atlanta weather: not a cloud in the sky, no humidity, perfect temps. I made sure to get out and mingle as much as possible. Just about every restaurant patio was filled with patrons soaking up the sun, including me.
Spring fever is definitely heating up the dating scene. The ladies are showing off their assets gained from all the time spent in the gym; the guys are strutting around, looking extra casual and good enough to eat. It’s a great time of year to be single and looking!
Spring is also what I like to call “recycling the ex” season or in my case, the Boomerang Boyfriend time of year. It never fails, every spring, I have an ex-boyfriend resurfacing out of nowhere. They start with forwarding emails (probably to see if the account is still active), then they move to text messaging (to see how annoyed you are), and finally it’s the old “running into you” in your regular hang outs. Transparent much?
Have you ever had a spring fling with your ex? Did you regret it?
Do your exes, former flings, and/or booty calls come out of the woodwork this time of year? If you aren’t interested, what do you use as your ex-repellent? What does it really mean when they keep coming back?
How was your weekend? Any hot dates, serendipitous encounters, or potential romances brewing?
Where do you plan to spend your spring? Where do you go to meet people with similar interests as you? Where do the single people go!!
I took up tennis for the first time this weekend, and I am totally hooked! What activities are you looking forward to doing in the city this spring?
Permalink | Comments (224) | Post your comment | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Dating indefinitely
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Two of my dearest friends have been dating for at least four years (Maybe five? I can’t even remember exactly how long, but we all met in college). And honestly, I think they’re so good for each other. Both of them are incredibly intelligent, goal-driven people who know how to have a good time. And they seem to really love each other.
But the reason they’ve been dating so long is that Allison seems to keep wanting to take the next step in their lives before they seal the deal. Graduate from school…Find jobs…Get new jobs in the same city…Both move together to new state…Find housing…Find new housing together…Finish grad school in new state… Move to another new state…pass bar exam…start new jobs…
After all, Allison told me, “I only want to do this once.”
And on some level, I think this is really logical. If you have a lot going on in your lives already, it’s going to be difficult to schedule in a traditional engagement season. And too many people rush into the graduation-job hunting-wedding trifecta without realizing how stressful it’s going to be. So I applaud them for being realistic about the demands of engagement.
On the other hand, I don’t think your life ever stops changing. There’s always going to be a new house, new job, new projects, or new challenges. And after four or five years, I think you know someone well enough to commit to them (or not, as the case may be). You’re either crazy about them or you’re not. So waiting to see if the two of you can jump through the next hoop together isn’t going to prove anything you don’t already know. They’ve stood by you this long, right?
Does it take you a long time to trust that a relationship is going to “work out?” At what point do you think you usually decide to commit to someone, come what may?
Have you ever been with someone for years only to find it didn’t work out? What was the cause of the breakup? Was it something you could have seen coming, or did you really needs years to figure out the other person?
TGIF, y’all!
Permalink | Comments (304) | Post your comment | Categories: Marriage
Cheating on your girlfriend…with your wife
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of my friends has found herself in sort of a morally confusing situation. She and her husband decided a few months ago that things weren’t working out (he cheated on her) and that they’re going to get a divorce. According to my friend, they don’t love each other any more and things are over for good.
But lately, my friend’s been going to him, well, because she has needs. And I suppose she feels like he’s a convenient way to satisfy those needs. Not to mention there’s already an emotional connection established.
The kink in the chain is that her husband has already started to see someone else — the woman he was cheating on her with! I don’t know exactly what’s going through my friend’s head, and I think she’s not facing up to certain facts, but I believe she’s justifying her actions because she is, indeed, still married!
All of these people involved are consensual adults. But I’m worried about both my friend’s emotional health and this other woman! I suspect she doesn’t know any of this is going on.
What do you think? Is my friend morally justified in sleeping with her husband because they’re still married? Does that legal document give them moral permission to still get together, even if their hearts have moved on, regardless of who they’re dating? Or do you think they both have a responsibility (if they’ve called it quits) not to cheat with each other on people they’re dating?
Have you ever discovered that someone you were dating was still legally married? How about still married and sleeping with her husband/his wife?
Permalink | Comments (235) | Post your comment | Categories: Matters of the Heart
An L.M. Definitely
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Harry: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally: And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?
Harry: An L.M. Definitely.
Sally: Which one am I?
Harry: You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance, but you think you’re low maintenance.
Sally: I don’t see that.
Harry: You don’t see that? (Mimicing her typical ordering procedure) ‘Waiter, I’ll begin with the house salad, but I don’t want the regular dressing. I’ll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side, and then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side.’ ‘On the side’ is a very big thing for you.
Sally: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry: I know, high maintenance.
This scene from “When Harry met Sally” always makes me smile, as Billy Crystal’s character doesn’t exactly seem to be insulting Meg Ryan’s, but rather simply stating the facts of life. And although Sally is slightly miffed at being put in a different category than the lovely Ingrid Bergman, she isn’t trying to change herself. She wants it the way she wants it.
Are you high- or low-maintenance when it comes to dating? Not just when it comes to ordering dinner, but in how much time, effort, emotion and money someone has to put into dating you. Are you selective about your date activities? Do you expect someone to call you, come over or take you out a certain number of times a week? (And men, don’t think you’re exempt from this discussion! I’ve known some high-maintenance guys!)
If you’re low-maintenance, have you ever dated anyone at the other end of the spectrum? What kind of challenges did it create in the relationship?
If you’re high-maintenance, have you ever dated a low-maintenance love interest who seemed like they weren’t putting in enough effort? Where is the line between low-maintenance and laziness?
Permalink | Comments (236) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Emotion commotion
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
With all this talk about emotional cheating last week, I started wondering how important we think the emotional aspect of a relationship is. For example, one blogger last week wrote:
If there are actions following the thought, then the behavioral implementation of those thoughts is cheating. If the thoughts never yield any action, then you haven’t cheated.
There’s something to be said for this argument. But I present the following: If I show up in a bank and am fiddling with something in my coat pocket, am searched by a security guard who finds a gun, a demand note for money, rope, duct tape and other items I would need to secure victims, I’m guilty as crap. I haven’t actually robbed the bank yet. But I was clearly going to. Just my being in the bank with those thoughts and some minor groundwork constitutes some sort of intended action.
Now, if I was at home thinking about robbing a bank, but going nowhere near the institution, there’s no way I’d be arrested, because I’m away from the premises. It’s one thing to think the occasional passing thought about someone other than your SO, but it’s another to be spending lots of time (in the presence) of that person with those thoughts.
But enough about the cheating. How emotionally driven are we when it comes to relationships?
When you begin relationships, are you usually beginning with a base of the physical, the emotional or the spiritual? Have you invested in someone emotionally or spiritually for a long time first before getting something started, or do you start with attraction and invest emotionally later? If you have done both, which method had yielded better results for you?
Can you maintain a physical relationship with someone if you’ve been emotionally disengaged for an extended period of time?
If our emotions are subject to the wind (as was suggested last week), then how good of an indicator are they for when we’re really in love? Can we bank on emotions driving our decisions if they’re subject to change?
Permalink | Comments (284) | Post your comment | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Sweet sacrifice
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This weekend I went to the wedding of one of my college roommates, who I love dearly and was thrilled to see so happy. At the wedding we reconnected with our third roomie, who married right out of college and moved to Texas so her husband could go to grad school there.
I asked her about her husband, her place in Texas, etc., and she seemed so unhappy about her job. She’s basically working a temp job for the university just to pay the bills for them. I felt so sad for her because she’s always been so ambitious but seems stuck in a rut right now. But I’m also very supportive of the idea that if you decide to marry someone, compromises and sacrifices will have to be made. It’s simply part of the commitment.
It just seems that many singles I know who wait longer to marry get to fully pursue their own dreams and ambitions and then later merge them with those of their partner, while my friends and acquaintances who married earlier seem to have sacrificed their goals from the get-go.
Have you taken full advantage of your freedom to pursue life goals and plans? What have you accomplished that you know wouldn’t have happened had you been in a committed relationship? What sort of things would you be less willing to compromise on now that you have actualized them? Job? House? Location in town? 100 cats in the house?
Do you know couples that have both managed to pursue their dreams to the fullest while still maintaining a healthy relationship? What sort of inspiration would you take from them if you decided to marry one day?
Permalink | Comments (180) | Post your comment | Categories: Relationships
Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So yesterday, we covered the “fits and starts” of dating someone new. If that’s not enough to watch out for in a budding relationship, I got another one for you. (You’re welcome!) The importance of ME time. That’s right, your new man/woman has you floating on cloud 99, but honey, believe you me, there’s a storm a’brewin. It’s the, why can’t you go sleep at YOUR house storm.
When you reach the point where you definitely know things are moving in a mutually agreed upon direction, it’s time to merge your lives. The tricky part? Doing it without MORPHING into one person. You know that smug coupled up uni-person that uses “we” and make plans for the weekend? Yeah gag.
So my question is, how do you tell the new guy or girl to let me BREATHE. Do you think downloading the song No Air on their ipod would do the trick? What, too middle school?
Have you ever dated someone that went from see ya when I see ya! - to full-on CLINGER behavior in like a milli-second? What did you do?
And what about boy’s night/girl’s night out? Have you ever been stuck bringing your SO along on a pre-determined no mates allowed evening?
What happens when you want them to go away but not for good!? I promise you, I have considered using my biotechnology background to invent a Boyfriend on Demand remote. Patent pending!
When you want to stop being glued to your date, does that mean that you’ve had enough of them? Is this a sign that you aren’t a good match after all?
Is there any clever, non-resentment inducing way of explaining the importance of me time? I mean, without coming off as a completely self-absorbed, insensitive person? I know, that’s a tall order, right?
Permalink | Comments (233) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
In Fits & Starts
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have you ever been in a car with someone who has just learned to drive a stick shift? They are unsure about what gear to adjust, so the car jerks forward and makes that horrible sound. You are probably sitting there wondering why you even agreed to get in the car in the first place. The way things are going, you could end up with a bad case of whiplash.
Well, sometimes dating is just like that. You both start off in the same gear and just when things get rolling, one of you gets spooked, turned off, distracted by another, or some equally annoying dating behavior.
If you are not careful, you will stumble into one of those fits and starts kind of dating situations. You meet and date someone new, one person kicks things into high gear, while the other is holding on for dear life. Whether it’s the man or woman that is shaking things up, one thing is painfully obvious: somebody is going to need a neck brace.
I think this is what has made me so cautious about men. As much as I adore them, (wouldn’t mind marrying one, even!) I just proceed with caution. No matter how impulsive we feel about each other, I won’t be hitting up any Vegas wedding chapels in a fit of infatuation.
In fact, I’m not getting into any car (relationship) with a guy that doesn’t know how to drive a stick shift already. Not only should he know how to drive (as should I) he has to know what our destination is going to be. Besides, I am way too fabulous to sport those unsightly neck collars.
Have you ever been the victim of “fits and starts” with a date? What do you do? How do you handle it?
Do you think dating relationships often start off with the big bang, only to fizzle out sort of irregularly? What ways do you think we can avoid it? If we aren’t sure about wanting a relationship, why do we always seem to get the ones that do?
Permalink | Comments (318) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Relationship Threat Levels
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am super proud of two of my buddies who started a new relationship centric from the male perspective. These are two of my own personal guy decoders who have helped me with my own dating misadventures. They hit the ground running with their post about emotional cheating. Apparently, they think it’s an oxymoron. To wit:
Asking a man whether or not there’s a difference between physical and emotional cheating is akin to asking him whether or not there’s a difference between bananas and Santa Claus. You can’t compare and contrast two entities when one of them doesn’t exist.
Sooo, uh emotional cheating doesn’t really exist? Interesting. Admittedly, they think this argument is “semantics-based”, i.e. it’s not cheating until something physical happens. Fair enough. Personally, I would worry if my man didn’t share my idea about what constitutes cheating.
This just means I will tell him about my relationship threat levels for our happy homeland security: The green level threats cover any behavior that would raise my eyebrows but not really anger me. I would want to have a pow wow about respect, and possibly give a little cold shoulder action for 24 hours - maximum. The red/severe threat would be anything that would make me want to punch you in the throat. All the levels in between could result in a range of reactions from me but I think that about covers the basics!
Guys, would it bother you if your woman was spending face and/or internet time with another dude? Is it all good as long as they don’t get physical? Where do you draw the line?
Ladies, would you feel guilty about emotionally connecting with a guy that wasn’t your man? Do you think it would bother you more if your man was having a physical relationship or an emotional relationship with someone else?
Do you think that emotional cheating should even be recognized as a relationship offense? Why or why not? What are your relationship threat levels?
Quote excerpt taken from: Very Smart Brothers. Please note: May contain mature subject matter
Permalink | Comments (244) | Post your comment | Categories: He Said/She Said
Mr. Quid Pro Quo
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A reader sent me an email asking for feedback about a guy she has met recently. “Anna” says that she met a guy a couple of weeks ago. They have had their first date already, which went really well. She thought they had great chemistry, good conversation, and she was definitely interested in a second date.
This past weekend, he sent her a text message that said he had a great time, he would love to go out again, but this time, he was going to let her take HIM out. He said that he believed in what he calls the I Pay, You Pay approach to dating. He told her that this was his way of weeding out the women that use men for free meals and entertainment.
She said it bothered her that he would set this type of dynamic up so early on. She felt slightly offended, but she wondered if she was being too harsh. Should she go out on a second date with Mr. Quid Pro Quo (that’s Latin for “something for something”) or tell him no thanks? Keep in mind, before the text message, she really liked what she saw so far.
Guys, do you really worry about single women using you just to get a meal at a nice restaurant or some other event? If you are asking a girl to take YOU out for date number 2, does this mean you aren’t all that into her?
Ladies, how would you react if a guy took the I Pay, You Pay approach after the first date? Would it bother you?
The only problem I had with this Quid Pro Quo boy is the fact that he assumed she wanted a second date with him. Also, I have to wonder why he is resorting to such a blatant approach to “weeding” women out. Doesn’t he carefully select women who he would like to invest time and effort into in the first place? If he thought she needed weeding out, couldn’t he just give it a little time and observe her for awhile? What are your thoughts?
Permalink | Comments (363) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
How to spot the player
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Dating a player is a lot like dating someone with a fake leg: you probably won’t mind if you know about it right away. There is nothing worse than getting super excited about a new romance, only to find out the person has you in a massive dating rotation. They are churning out the same lines, wooing techniques, and lies to countless other dates.
I had a dinner date with The Chef recently. He’s actually a guy from my past that resurfaced after we spotted each other at the Lexus Listening Party for Angie Stone. We caught up with each other a bit, and I suddenly remembered why things fizzled out between us. He was/is a TOTAL player. I’m talking the classic, textbook profile of a player: extremely attractive, lots of swagger, with the clothes, the car, and the charm to lure.
When I told him that I thought he was a player, he asked me why. After I rattled off a couple of valid reasons (so I thought), he totally flipped the script on me. He said, “Well, I could say the same about you: you have close male “friends”, (he used air quotes!), you get numerous calls/text messages, can be very social or flirtatious. Alright, so I hadn’t thought of how my own behavior can be seen as player-tastic behaviors.
What do you think a player is? How do you spot one? Do you ever think people perceive you as a player? Would you be interested in dating a player? When does a player reform and stick with one special person?
Permalink | Comments (173) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Sequins and sweatpants
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last weekend an acquaintance of mine came into town for her bachelorette weekend (yes, people, it’s that time again! Get out your rice for all those weddings coming up!). As we were getting ready Friday night to eat and go dancing, the bride-to-be hesitated over her choice of blouse. She surveyed the rest of us, who were dolled up and ready to go. “We just don’t go out that much anymore,” she said, referring to herself and to her fiancée.
Naturally. When you become seriously involved with someone, many of your dates will involve a marshmellowed hot chocolate while cuddling in sweatpants on the couch in front of the TV. It’s a normal pace for relationships to take once things become more intimate.
Or maybe my bridal friend wasn’t supersocial to begin with, and now that she’s engaged sees no reason to go out anymore. Whatever the case, she didn’t look too rusty out there on the dance floor!
On a personal note, I hope finding the love of my life one day doesn’t mean that my dance shoes go to the back of my closet. Either with him or with girlfriends, I would still like to occasionally go out for a tasty dinner and a lively salsa club.
What’s your preference? Are you still a party animal once you become serious with someone? Does it depend on the person you’re seeing? Has anyone ever questioned your desire to go out and have a good time while seeing them?
If you’re more of a homebody by nature, have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was a social butterfly? Did it put a strain on your relationship in any way, or did you find a way to compromise on how you spent your time together?
Permalink | Comments (180) | Post your comment | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Skeletons (or diseases) in your closet
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If you’re a woman with HIV who’s hesitant to reveal your condition to sexual partners, you’re not alone, according to this survey.
While I don’t know that you need to reveal any type of disease to every Tom, Dick and Harry who crosses your path, I do believe you need to inform anyone you’re about to have sex with if there’s something they could contract.
One of my girlfriends has an STD that was much more serious when she first contracted it — more painful, more flare-ups, etc. — than it is now. When I asked her how she broached the subject to men with whom she was going to be intimate, she kinda shrugged it off like it was nothing. I wonder, does she even tell them?!?
If you are physically intimate with people you date, has anyone ever revealed to you their contraction of an STD? How did they break it to you? How did you handle it? Was it something you could wait out for treatment, or was it a deal breaker for the relationship?
If you’ve ever (gulp) had to tell someone you had a disease, how did you tell them? Were they kind when you explained your situation? How do you think we could encourage honesty about this sort of thing?
Permalink | Comments (313) | Post your comment | Categories: Dating
Who’s your daddy?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
For Atlantans and people in many other cities it’s now possible to buy a paternity test — over the counter and for much cheaper than previously administered.
The tests are available at Rite Aid, putting genetic testing at the fingertips (literally) of the general public, even those who don’t have internet access, which was previously the only way to purchase a paternity test without a doctor’s visit.
Ladies, have you ever been in a situation in which you’ve needed to figure out the father of your child? Did you alert multiple men to the possibility or just have one tested? What was the outcome of the situation?
Men, have you ever been asked to take a paternity test? Was it a situation in which you knew the woman had multiple partners, or were you caught off guard by the fact that you were one of many?
Do you think easier access, convenience and cheaper cost will draw more couples (or singles) to want to determine the fathers of their babies? What kind of social ramifications might this have?
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Truth be told
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There is something really beautiful in these stories about Black Marriage Day / Weekend. These Atlantans set out to prove that relationships in the black community don’t have to look like what they were seeing in the media. And although there was some truth in the reflection the media portrayed, they didn’t want it to dictate individual beliefs or outcomes.
How has the media misrepresented or overrepresented relationships (or aspects of) between men and women? Not just within marriages or within a certain race of people, but on the whole? What sort of untruths would you be led to believe if you absorbed too much of what you see on TV or in movies?
For example, a pretty basic myth would be the idea of “happily ever after” without any work. No one has a long-term relationship in which there aren’t misunderstandings or arguments — situations you have to be ready to work through if you want a relationship to survive.
Or I might argue the perception that everyone is sexually active — an idea that’s been expressed for years now through mainstream media but we know to be false.
What kind of truth would you like to see represented in movie and TV relationships? What’s something you’ve found to be true in your own life that you rarely see reflected in the media? What have you seen overrepresented?
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