Misadventures in Atlanta

By lady j

November 8, 2007 8:15 AM | Link to this

Morning….Got that or got it i forget but i would love to read you oday regarding the topic…Diva this is a deep topic…The two go hand and hand…J

By Beautiful

November 8, 2007 8:19 AM | Link to this

Wise i have to agree. i want to be loved then respected. to be honest with you, comparing women to men is wrong all together. but there’s not a wrong answer when it comes to this question.

heard on XM Suite 62 this morning: thighs high by tom browne and just the way you like it by s.o.s band. loving it.

good morning y’all! ;)

By lady j

November 8, 2007 8:27 AM | Link to this

Meant today…

Truth I need to ask you a question and tell you something off this forum…please email me @ missj8@gmail.com…Thx

By 2CPTG©

November 8, 2007 8:31 AM | Link to this

morning….

I’on know bout this one, cause as I ponder, I can think of a few examples of where I have respect for someone, but not necessarily love. Whereas, if I love someone, then naturally, respect is bestowed upon them….

By Kym-Proud Steeler Nation Member since 1994

November 8, 2007 8:38 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

I dont think it is a trade off. Love vs Respect. They go hand in hand. Sorry I understand this is suppose to be a deep meaningful discussion but I am not seeing it that way. How can you ever profess to love someone-spend your life time with them and not respect them at all? If you love me then you respect me, support me right-or wrong. The same is given to you. Period. One of the things I have learned is that we toss the word out there Love fairly loosely without ever considering what it means. Love doesnt mean I love you until I get tired of looking at your face or I love you until something better comes along. It is just that Love. I will watch and see what wonderful psychobabble this topic generates…but to me it is pretty plain. Love and Respect are a team.

By Dimples

November 8, 2007 8:40 AM | Link to this

Diva You topics reminds me of a book i read. check it out! Your guy friend was right. For women only-What you need to know about the inner lives of men by Shaunti Feldhahn

By Kym-Proud Steeler Nation Member since 1994

November 8, 2007 8:41 AM | Link to this

2 You dont have to love everyone you come in contact with but you should have some measure of respect for them. For example, a one night stand-booty call whateva. You didnt love that person, hell you may not have even really liked them. But surely you can have some measure of respect for them considering you traded body fluids with them.

By DasV (yea, its me)

November 8, 2007 8:43 AM | Link to this

great topic!! i now refrain from rushing headlong into a relationship not that i bypass the romantic side of things altogether; i just temper things with an honest assessment of potential partner. can i respect him?? his approach of things, not just what he does? is his modus operandi consistent with who he says he is??

loving someone comes easy for me; im a die-hard romantic. respect will keep me in the moment. maturity for me is discovering if i can respect him and his life-stance, and then consciously deciding to love him.

and i want the same: respect me (what i do and how i do it)then love me. cause even if my affections for you change, you will still respect how i deal with you and handle the situation, which will help to ease things should they come to that

By lady j

November 8, 2007 8:44 AM | Link to this

@Kym-Proud Steeler Nation Member since 1994…..Great Post!

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 8:44 AM | Link to this

Morning Folks I’m going to get some warm food and drink for errbody this morning. It’s COOOOLLLDDD out there ya’ll.

Old school went home with me lastnight! What about ya’ll?

BRB!

By 2CPTG©

November 8, 2007 8:45 AM | Link to this

Love = Respect, But Respect does not always equal Love…..

By Dan

November 8, 2007 8:49 AM | Link to this

Is it better to be loved or respected.

With regard to the military and or other organizations, respect is tantamount.

With regard to a relationship, love is what garners respect. Not just the abstract concept of love, but the actions that are involved in making love. And by making love, I mean the process of making love to your woman every night and every day that you are together.

After that, how could she not reciprocate your respect.

By Ohh la la

November 8, 2007 8:49 AM | Link to this

Good Morning,

Good topic. I would say that love and respect go hand in hand. However, as a woman, I would prefer to see that a man respects me first as opposed to loving me. Someone can claim to love you but if they mistreat you, beat you, etc., then they don’t respect you and love without respect is worthless.

By Willie Dynamite

November 8, 2007 8:50 AM | Link to this

Good Morning erybody.

MLB Stand up - it’s gonna get good today.

Two totally separate things. IMO-You can not love someone you don’t respect. You can however respect someone very much w/o loving them. At some point they are dependant of each other. No respect no love.

Love grows on you when dating turns to relationship. I don’t think thats possible if in the beginning you don’t have respect for the person you are dealing with.

It’ll be interesting to hear comments today about this today. I know alot on here have a healthy respect for themselves. I also know alot on here that don’t have that same respect for the other side based on previous actions/encounters. I think it’s gonna be hard for some to find love because they have an inherent disrespect for the other side from the beginning.

2C 1.25, I heard ya boi. That’s gotta be that good good.

By Wise Diva

November 8, 2007 8:52 AM | Link to this

Oh I don’t think it’s a deep topic, LOL. Well, I may not have conveyed the concept properly, I don’t mean to imply that there is one without the other, I probably should have place emphasis on want and need.

So let me rephrase: His point was that men need to be respected and they want to be loved. I think with women, it’s different, we need to be loved, and want to be respected.

Does that make any sense?

By DasV (yea, its me)

November 8, 2007 8:53 AM | Link to this

Kym ive had it where i was in love, married and then lost respect for the man i chose to wed…. before that, i wouldve never thought that the two could be severed. but thats what ive come to realize, appreciate.

to this day i love him. i want the very best for him and pray for him, and smile at memories we share… i love him still. but i cant respect some personal choices he’s made

By Beautiful

November 8, 2007 8:54 AM | Link to this

Kym-Proud Steeler Nation Member ^5.

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 8:55 AM | Link to this

Gone and eat while everything is still warm…

Grits, chesse toast, home fries, bacon, sausage, homemade cinnamon toast, oatmeal, biscuits, fried green tomatoes, hot cocoa, flavored coffee, bottled water and red kool-aid. Have at it folks.

By Mo (now known as Moeisha)

November 8, 2007 8:56 AM | Link to this

BRRRRRR!! I hate cold weather….

Morning All! Hope you guys are doing great! Cemeeli old school went home with me too! I had a great evening!

I will have to lurk on this topic, I just want to see what the responses will be…

By SlimOne

November 8, 2007 8:57 AM | Link to this

Good chilly Morning!

In regards to the topic, I think i’m pretty much like 2CPTG I can think of a few examples of where I have respect for someone, but not necessarily love. Whereas, if I love someone, then naturally, respect is bestowed upon them…. I don’t think i could’ve said it any better. To me love is supposed to emcompass respect.

By QC

November 8, 2007 9:00 AM | Link to this

Morning Have a great day all!

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 9:02 AM | Link to this

Is love and respect a false dichotomy? No not false but lost in alot of relationships.

Do you think that women often interchange love and respect, while men tend to separate the two? I have the same view as your friend about respect me first because with it will come love IMO. And i’m a woman.

Do you think that we have problems in dating that stem from this caveat? I am usually surrounded by folks that have the same view exspecially the view on respect. So i guess for me the answer is no.

By Jazzyone

November 8, 2007 9:03 AM | Link to this

Morning ya…yesterday had me feeling real good and it carried over to today, totally appropriate to go back down memories lane before getting with Family for the Holidays.

If I don’t have respect for the man I am seeing I can’t possibly fall in love with him and I tend to move on. I also have to have respect in order to believe that someone truly loves me for me. I’ve had love before with a lack of respect and came to find out that he couldn’t possibly love me at all because he totally did not respect me and showed me in his actions…

I think you have to have both in order to have a successful fulfilling relationship….

By lady j

November 8, 2007 9:05 AM | Link to this

got you Diva it isn’t deep reading too much into it…J

By Jazzyone

November 8, 2007 9:05 AM | Link to this

On Direct TX XM Soul Suite is the bomb turn it on everyday when I get home and let it roll and enjoy my surroundings..Love it!!

By Wise Diva

November 8, 2007 9:06 AM | Link to this

@Dimples, thank you for that book suggestion! It looks like a great read, I am going to check this one out, and I am not usually a huge fan of self-help genre.

By aaa

November 8, 2007 9:11 AM | Link to this

YOU HAVE TO BE RESPECTED TO BE LOVED. RESPECT IS EARNED. IF YOU RESPECT YOURSELF WHY WOULDNT SOMEONE LOVE YOU? THE TWO GO HAND IN HAND, I’LL TAKE RESPECT OVER LOVE. I CAN LOVE MYSELF, IF THERES NO RESPECT, THEN THERE CAN NEVER BE LOVE, EVER

By Respect Rell

November 8, 2007 9:13 AM | Link to this

NUFF SAID!

Men need in this order

Respect Love Loyalty

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 9:13 AM | Link to this

Foots When u get in here you’ve got to help me find some of that ole Sand de Sable gurl!!! LOL…I did not see that post yesturday. Lady you are Old School for that one.

By Jazzyone

November 8, 2007 9:13 AM | Link to this

I love some and don’t like them which to me is a lack of a certain amount of respect for them.
I know I can love the core of someone and lose total respect for them. For me I need to be respected not loved first thats not how I was raised and in some cases Love has nothing to do with it.

Anyway Im testing something fierce this morning ya be easy and have a great day..im lurkin out ….

By me 2(formally purple lace)

November 8, 2007 9:17 AM | Link to this

Wise I’ve heard that saying when I was growing up. You have to have a foundation to build on, love spawns respect; respect spawns trust.

Kym your 8:41 I don’t agree with. Booty call/one night stand is just that. There’s no love or respect involved, only gratification. If you love me you would respect me not to classify me as that.

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 9:18 AM | Link to this

Hey Wise I didn’t read into your topic the deep way. I observed it as need and want. love & respect.

By Blue_Kolla

November 8, 2007 9:20 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Blog…

Sounds to me like there is a lot of settlin’ goin’ on. IMO when it comes to relationships, exclusive ones that is, love and respect go hand in hand. For me one without the other is a no-go, and… gets you on the hit squad and me free agent status.

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 9:21 AM | Link to this

Okay…YELLING @ 9:11am in the morning a good way to start the day!?!

By cp

November 8, 2007 9:26 AM | Link to this

Yeah, I think there is a difference between love and respect in relationships. The person you’re in love with can do something stupid (doesn’t everyone at some point) and you may have less respect for them for a while but would still love them.

As far as men needing respect and women needing love, I do think love is more important to women than men, just as respect is to men. I think it is probably stems from cultural and psychological differences in the sexes. Men have been told to be the “bread-winner” and therefore need to be successful at work. That’s where respect comes into it. They get respect at work so why should it be different at home?

Women have been told to be the “homemaker” which involves being the nurturer. Obviously if she is a mother that role is even more solidified. And that is where love comes into it.

The sexes are tied up in their roles although I think we’ve come a long way into blurring them. Some fathers will stay at home with their children while their wives work. Some couples will both work and choose not have children. Some people elect to not get married / stay in a relationship so they can focus their energies on work…

I guess my point is that respect is more important to some (both men and women now) and love is going the same way as well. I still think that for the most part, men still favor respect over love while women favor the opposite.

By Got that?

November 8, 2007 9:27 AM | Link to this

I was going to lurk on this one, but lady j requested my thoughts. So, here they are. Fundamentally, I understand what he is saying. However, I disagree. All humans need love. Love forms the basis of everything else. Love exists in various forms: parental love, brotherly love, principled love, etc. So, to say men don’t need love is a fundamental misstatement. Without love there is nothing. Respect grows out of love. One can say that the respect one has for an enemy is based on principled love. The love between men is usually brotherly love and is expressed through respect. Where there is no love, there is also no respect. Love is the emotion expressed through respect. Put another way, lose the love, all is lost. At the end of the day, all there is is love.

By Darrell (of blackthen.com)

November 8, 2007 9:27 AM | Link to this

Morning, everyone, and, great topic, by the way. :-)

As a man, I strongly concur with the premise that men want to be respected, but I also believe respect and love, as they relate to men, are not mutually exclusive. I believe women should understand that when a man says he wants to be “respected”, he is not saying he doesn’t want to be loved. We want both, as do most women.

In the context of a relationship, however, my receiving respect from a woman is actually what speaks love to me. So, in fact, the two go hand-in-hand.

And, just to clarify, by ‘respect’ I’m speaking of a woman who values my opinions and concerns (though she may not agree with them all), engages me in decision making and encourages me in my personal goals and objectives. Her doing all those things is what paves the way for me to love her.

I believe there is an innate desire within every man to be valued and appreciated. Those to things - when offered volitionally - are what equal respect to him. Well, to me, at least.

By AmazonRed 2.0

November 8, 2007 9:29 AM | Link to this

Very interesting topic!

Love is an “emotional” emotion. You can love someone and not respect them. This is why I can understand why people cheat on their mates. Loving them all the same, but partaking in actions that disrespect their union.

You can respect someone and not love them, but I think when you respect someone even without love, you do less things to hurt them. You are cognizant of who they are and what they bring to the table.

That being said, I’d always want both love and respect. But if I had to chose one. I’d chose respect. I have an example to give, but this is getting long, so I’ll post again in a sec.

By Mo (now known as Moeisha)

November 8, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this

Cemeeli Thanks for the breakfast!! That hot chocolate is going to hit the spot for real!

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 9:34 AM | Link to this

Morning Amazon 9:29am post good points.

By AmazonRed 2.0

November 8, 2007 9:35 AM | Link to this

Okay, now on to my example. Y’all know I have been blessed to see lasting marriages in my family. The thing I really appreciate is seeing two different types of marriages. One based on love (my grandparents), one based on respect (my parents).

My grandfather has the type of love for my grandmother everyone wishes for. He’d love her no matter what. But for a long time he didn’t respect her. He had a lot of growing up to do. Drinking, sleeping around, keeping her from her dream (a phD). She sacrified a lot for her husband for love. Eventually, grandpa turned it around, became a minister and a model husband. But the respect was not always there.

Now my parents. I really see how they took their vows and respect the commitment they made. I can tell that they don’t always like each other. They have never been a romantic couple. But they have always navigated the ebbs and flows of their relationship because of the respect for each other. They know what they built and the family they raised. My dad never stayed out all night, never drank, never got himself into questionable situations. I’m sure he could have, but he respects what he has at home.

Okay, so this is long too, and I’m sure you get my point. LOL

By abc

November 8, 2007 9:37 AM | Link to this

When you get right down to it, ‘respect’ is a nebulous term. Respect for what, and how so? Respect for one’s ability to make a good living? Respect for abilities to communicate equally across demographics, get things done, have fun in most all situations, make a nice home, have compassion for other people and charitably volunteer, I mean, what? Personal respect, that leads one to treat the other fairly, non-abusively?

It seems to me that if one said they loved another but didn’t have respect for them, it’d certainly be a love-hate scenario.

By DasV (yea, its me)

November 8, 2007 9:40 AM | Link to this

naaa, i want to be respected, cause love will naturally follow in all its varying forms. love gets blurred, too many grey areas. respect to me is more defined, and absolute. not swayed by emotion… based on facts, proven truths.

rell im witcha! Respect. Love. Loyalty. respect who i am, choose to love me, then prove your love over time

By DreamsMaterialize

November 8, 2007 9:42 AM | Link to this

I think that love/respect is a false dichotomy, but one is a catalyst for the other. Respect sets the precedent for love. Could you love someone if you didn’t respect them first? Probably not. Without respect there can be no real love.

By Chris

November 8, 2007 9:44 AM | Link to this

Shaunti Feldhahn wrote about this in her book, For Women Only.

By Jewel

November 8, 2007 9:46 AM | Link to this

Good morning Everyone!

Rell Here’s your chance for 15 minutes of fame. You have been stressing that black women do not respect black men, so I am eager to read your points on this topic. Actually, I am eager to read all of the regular, intelligent blog men. Should be interesting.

Do you think that women often interchange love and respect, while men tend to separate the two? I do not believe that men separate the two. As much as men want women to respect them, they do not love a woman that they do not respect. I think that some women believe that respect will flow out of love. You know, because you love me, you will do this or that.

Which quote best describes your own ideals about respect and love in relationships? Definitely respect is love in plain clothes. True love requires action. Contrary to the warm and fuzzy feelings we get when we see the man/woman of our dreams, love isn’t love unless you give it away.

By lady j

November 8, 2007 9:47 AM | Link to this

Thanks Got that!!! Love reading ya!

By Foots

November 8, 2007 9:49 AM | Link to this

Cemeeli LOL!! I’ll have to see if I have a corner or two left in my bottle of Sand de Sable!! :-)

On topic If I have no respect for a man, I can’t love him. Once a man loses my respect, I look at him with disappointment and disdain. How can love exist in that?

I do agree with Wise’s friend, that men desire respect, then love. I haven’t read all of the responses in case someone has mentioned this, but the basis for this is definitely in the Bible…Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

That’s not saying that a wife and a husband can’t do both, but that they should do the most important thing that will matter to each other and the other component will be added as a result. For wives, respect your husbands (and his love will follow), for husbands, love your wives (and her respect will follow). Neverending circle of love and respect.

By 2CPTG©

November 8, 2007 9:52 AM | Link to this

Truth/Got that, you forgot to change your moniker……but then again, we’ve known that for a minute now!

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 9:57 AM | Link to this

Thanks Foots for the Ephesians verse AND for saving me a corner of that Sands. ;-)

Your welcome Mo. I’ll be drinking cocoa for the most part today. My bones are cold.

By Jewel

November 8, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this

This topics brings to mind something I observed at Arby’s last week. This mother was waiting for her order with her two daughters. The youngest, maybe 10 or 11, was talking to her mother and asking her questions. She was kind, calm and gentle. Simply displaying the inquisitive nature of a child. Her mother, on the other hand, was abrupt and seemed impatient with her daughter. Yet, she would turn to the cashier and make jovial comments to him. I’m standing there thinking, she is nicer to this young man than she is to her daughter. He only took her order, but she lives with this girl and is shaping her character. If you love someone, respect should flow naturally. Sometimes, we take those close to us for granted.

By Anon

November 8, 2007 10:00 AM | Link to this

Respect is EARNED. You cannot demand to be respected.

By lady j

November 8, 2007 10:05 AM | Link to this

2 is that so I need to talk to Truth…you so funny starting so early…lol

By abc

November 8, 2007 10:07 AM | Link to this

Similar to Jewel’s observation, I have found it most common among married couples that the wife will treat the husband with indifference if not mostly ignoring him altogether, but when encountering others will greet them with enthusiasm, and energetically engage with them. That used to bug me quite a bit when I was married. I considered it disrespectful, but hey, you can’t force someone to be interested in you.

By Foots

November 8, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

Amazon You can love someone and not respect them.

You know what? This must be the reason why women stay with men who mistreat them. I mean, how could you still respect a man who treats you poorly, and still claim to have “love” feelings for him? So there is your scenario, she actually doesn’t have respect for him, but loves him just the same. Just my opinion, but I think that this order is dangerous for women, it opens them up to situations that will be to their disadvantage.

Can some of the ladies who have experienced this speak on it? Have you ever continued to be with and love a man who you didn’t respect?

By TJ

November 8, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

Uhmm…I don’t usually post here, but just FYI there’s a book on this called “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (good title huh? :))that is based on the verse out of Ephesians and delves into WHY men need respect and women need love and what a relationship looks like without both elements.

But that’s not to say the opposite can’t be or isn’t true. Some women need respect and some men need love—but regardless I think we all WANT both to some degree!

By Latina_in_30004

November 8, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

I personally, cannot love someone I don’t respect, but on the other hand I can respect someone without loving them.

In a relationship context, I believe that mutual respect for each other equals trust and that translates to a stronger kind of love.

By Foots

November 8, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

Sidenote - This blog still smells like the Lagerfield and Love’s Baby Soft y’all were spraying up in this camp yesterday…

By Got that?

November 8, 2007 10:13 AM | Link to this

2CPTG©, I am not Truth. We are 2 different people, which can be clearly seen from the vastly different styles of thought and writing.

By me 2(formally purple lace)

November 8, 2007 10:14 AM | Link to this

If you don’t love or respect yourself how can you expect someone else to love/respect you.

By Respect Rell

November 8, 2007 10:15 AM | Link to this

@Jewel…i will pass on my fame, if you know me then you already know how i feel about this topic..i will keep it moving, i have beat the respect horse enough to this point…but thanks for the shout

@foots…cosign, that verse is part of arsenal that i never got a chance to use…lol

By T-Mango

November 8, 2007 10:17 AM | Link to this

…men need to be respected and they want to be loved. I think with women, it’s different, we need to be loved, and want to be respected…

That made me think. For me, I expect to receive respect first because that is fundamental to establishing the foundation of a friendship or relationship. So far as love, I don’t want or need love from every man that I’m dating, but I do expect his respect. Ultimately, I do want to receive love from one person that holds a mutual desire/willingness to fall in it with me… and will help do the work required to maintain the love we create, we make & we share.

But on the whole, doesn’t everyone have the need to be loved or have some sense of belonging to someone or something? I think so.

What is love? What is respect? Our experiences shape how we define what love is to us. The same goes with respect. If each of us were define the two for ourselves, there probably would be different definitions presented. We’d probably have different views on what a person would need to do or what behaviors they’d have to display to indicate that they are respecting or loving us.

By China Doll

November 8, 2007 10:18 AM | Link to this

In personal (dating) relationships respect is of the upmost of importance and a dual exchange, for me anyway. A true sign of the level of respect you have in a relationship is in way you handle yourself and how you handle each other. But more importantly you have to respect yourself first. What I have found is that I carry myself in certain way (the way my momma taught me), so that commands a certain approach from day (1). I’m going to show you a level of respect anyway just on GP.

In certain other relationships (family) the same rule may not apply. For example: I have a relative who is completely out of control…I love him because we share the same bloodline…but he has lost my respect for his actions and character flaws.

By lady j

November 8, 2007 10:19 AM | Link to this

I concur and not being funny or negative…two different views on life…J

By AmazonRed 2.0

November 8, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this

abc, those are the women who married for stability…or just wanted to be married. That sucks.

By DasV (yea, its me)

November 8, 2007 10:24 AM | Link to this

foots i stayed for as long as could after i lost respect for my husband… but like the song says, sometimes love just aint enough.

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this

Foots Lagerfeld, Loves, Sands AND Poison, okay…

By AmazonRed 2.0

November 8, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this

Foots, the most famous example of your question is Kim “professional uterus” Porter! I don’t doubt that Diddy loves her…but it’s clear he never respected her. Yet she stayed. The money is most certainly a factor, but she should have lost respect for him a long time ago. In fact, she probably did, but the “love” won out.

I was re-reading her and Diddy’s Essence story yesterday. She really fell for the okeydoke with that one. For those of you who missed the infamous interview, click here

By Jewel

November 8, 2007 10:32 AM | Link to this

Regarding that verse in Ephesians, you have to read the enter chapter to understand the context of the statement. Paul did not simply tell the women to reverance their husbands. There are stated responsibilities for the man that, when done properly towards his wife, she will automatically give him the respect that he craves. The two, working together as one, to become one.

By 2CPTG©

November 8, 2007 10:33 AM | Link to this

Lady J, not starting anything…….

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 10:37 AM | Link to this

…huuuunnnccc…yaaaaawwwwnnn…hu…

By Jewel

November 8, 2007 10:39 AM | Link to this

On yesterday’s topic: Willie D You correctly completed the phrase. You are the winner! LOL!

By lady j

November 8, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

ok 2 got you…

By Foots

November 8, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

Jewel There are stated responsibilities for the man that, when done properly towards his wife…

You’re definitely right. That verse 33 sums up the instructions for both parties succinctly, that the husband should love his wife as he loves himself (that’s mentioned first in that verse) and the wife should reverence (respect) her husband.

By Jewel

November 8, 2007 10:49 AM | Link to this

Foots/Amazon In my humble opinion, women who stay with men who mistreat them stay because of hope (that he will change), commitment (to the commitment she made), and pride (how can she face the people who know the truth). There are many emotional and psyhcological factors that play a part in this as well. But stay for love? I think she will stay and call it love. Somehow love, or rather her distorted definition of love, justifies her decision.

Why are the men virtually silent on this topic? Have women shunned you to the point of numbness?

By Tazzee

November 8, 2007 10:51 AM | Link to this

Morning folks!

I have to agree with the overall premise of Wise’s topic. I expect to be respected AND loved, but when it comes to personal relationships my need for love overrules my need for respect. Looking back on past relationships and even current relationships with my girls, if I know someone loves me, I can forgive certain acts of disrespect simply because of the love. And if I know the love is real, I will talk to that person to try to get them to work on that respect. However, if after some time, the person continues to disrespect me - I definitely have to let that relationship go. Mainly because of my love for myself.

Page How ‘bout them Hawks??!!!

By Tazzee

November 8, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this

Darrell your 9:27 comment is how I understand the man to operate.

By AmazonRed 2.0

November 8, 2007 10:58 AM | Link to this

Jewel, I agree. I also think people, women especially, forget the respect part of love. He tells you he’s sorry, he begs to come back. He put in all this effort so you think “well, he loves me.” But you have to sit down and ask the hard question of “does he respect me.”

I know I’ve definitely stayed in situations longer than I should have, thinking he would change. There were not even gross offenses going on. Minor ones you think you can overcome. I’ve had guys who supposedly respected me, but disappeared for 2 weeks. That’s not a sign of respect. But you never want to throw that baby out with the bathwater. However, those little signs are there for a reason, pointing you to the fact that you’re with someone who doesn’t make your feelings a priority.

By Willie Dynamite

November 8, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

Someone mentioned earlier that we all have varying definitions of love and respect. Some in bad relationships tend to let one overshadow the other causing an imbalance. We have many instances where a distorted sense of love because of disrespect keeps people in these bad relationships (Kim and Diddy). The need to be loved is in a fact a precursor to being disrespected. For some of us that need will make us diregard the fact that we are being direspected. Love and Respect are both seasoned with a healthy dose of common sense.

Jewel you can send my official prize pack to MLB headquarters. Better yet you can personally drop it off.

By Beautiful

November 8, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this

Jewel Why are the men virtually silent on this topic?

this is exactly my point. comparing us to men, why? asking questions on how they think about a certain topic, why? men are a different type of creature. then again, this blog wouldn’t exist if they didn’t ask.

By Foots

November 8, 2007 11:06 AM | Link to this

Darrell Very good comments. I can also see from your website that you have a deep thought process and understanding where these topics are concerned.

Jewel You’re right, all of those things could play a part in it. I had a friend who stayed with her husband (who obviously and vocally didn’t want to be married to her) probably because of those reasons you stated. Hope, commitment, pride, and also because she is a woman who enjoyed saying that she was married, she didn’t want to have to raise their kids alone, and she wanted to give their children what she never had, a real family. Everyone knew what was going on, or most of it anyway. Because we KNOW that folks don’t tell the worst things, the things she DID tell were so bad enough that I couldn’t even imagine the things she felt she couldn’t tell anyone.

She did end up leaving and getting divorced, although she still loved him. But I think that her love for herself and her realization of the example she was setting for her children gave her the strength to make positive changes.

By Foots

November 8, 2007 11:12 AM | Link to this

WillieD The need to be loved is in a fact a precursor to being disrespected. For some of us that need will make us disregard the fact that we are being direspected.

That’s some POWERFUL stuff right there. That makes a good case for loving yourself first. As the great Frankie Beverly once said “When you feel deep inside, all the love you’re looking for, don’t it make it feel okay?”. If you have that love that you seek inside yourself, you won’t put yourself at risk or accept less than you deserve in order to gain love from someone else.

By Darrell (of blackthen.com)

November 8, 2007 11:13 AM | Link to this

Beautiful

Forgive me for butting in on your 11:04 comment to Jewel, but I don’t think so much a comparison as it is a contrast between the two (men and women.)

I think it was in the context of trying to bring to light contrasting viewpoints on the subject of ‘respect’ (as opposed to comparing those viewpoints) that this topic was originally raised. :-)

By AmazonRed 2.0

November 8, 2007 11:16 AM | Link to this

I think the men are rather silent on this topic because they see things more black and white. You ever noticed that a woman is more likely to take back a cheating man? When a guy gets cheated on, they are way more likely to drop her immediately. I think because cheating is one of the ultimate signs of disrespect and most men won’t tolerate being disrespected.

I’ve noticed a lot of men today have stated their position and maybe that’s really all that needs to be said!

By Darrell (of blackthen.com)

November 8, 2007 11:17 AM | Link to this

Foots Thanks for the compliments. (If I could only find a woman and put all that into practice.) LOL!

By abc

November 8, 2007 11:18 AM | Link to this

Jewel, I think there are lots of reasons women stay in abusive marriages: lack of ability to support themselves alone, afraid of change (that’s a whole other topic: women resist change), diminished self image after years of abuse and denigration and thus lack of self-confidence that they can make it on their own, and more. For women who are concerned about that, the Cherokee County Women’s Shelter can always use some more volunteers, other counties could too, I’m sure.

By lady j

November 8, 2007 11:19 AM | Link to this

wow foots his lyrics are powerful…

By Beautiful

November 8, 2007 11:21 AM | Link to this

Darrell gotcha!

By kinderbabe

November 8, 2007 11:21 AM | Link to this

good morning all. just to add to the current convo…women who stay w/men who mistreat them do it out of love alright…lack of love for themselves. when you really love yourself, you’re good to yourself and you honor your spirit. the other factor that sometimes keeps someone around is fear. fear that this is as good as it gets, so i might as well stay. respect and love go hand and hand. there isn’t one w/o the other.

By China Doll

November 8, 2007 11:22 AM | Link to this

Beautiful

I know I’m entering into the landmine field with this comment

Just from experience, I think that most men especially our men think that because they are men they automatically should be respected bases on gender alone. And it seems that they think women have to earn or be worhty of their respect.

By SexyLeggs

November 8, 2007 11:24 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone…Just arrived. I have a lot to read.

By SexyCool

November 8, 2007 11:28 AM | Link to this

from some of the issues that my SO and i have had in the past and some of the conversations that we have…i know that he places my respect over my love for him…regardless of whether he realizes it or not…on several occasions…he has said that you cannot love me if you act like you don’t respect me…

and then of course…that opens up the whole issue of what he considers disrespectful…sometimes…i am just blown away by some of the things that he considers disrespect that i have not taken so seriously…

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 11:32 AM | Link to this

Alright see:

Amazon this one - You ever noticed that a woman is more likely to take back a cheating man? Yes i’ve seen this one often and i don’t know how they do it! I have some level of forgiveness for my guy but this one, i can’t take.

By Respect Rell

November 8, 2007 11:33 AM | Link to this

@DARREL…it is not hard to find women…i mean you have a vision…what is the problem…keep campaigning until you get elected….you make it seem like women are hard…they are not superhuman or from another planet..they are women…feel me…i dont see the problem, now granted…as told to me by a good friend you dont always get what you expect

but i say you not going to score if you not in the game..keep it mackish

By dino

November 8, 2007 11:34 AM | Link to this

I agree. how can you possibly say you love someone if you don’t respect them. in orde to love someone, you must have in this order: like, respect, love. all three go hand in hand.

By Jewel

November 8, 2007 11:38 AM | Link to this

HAH! Willie D I will be disguised as the overweight, hairy FedEx guy. LOL!

Thanks, Darrell. I believe that one of the objectives of this forum is to shed light on the differences between men and women. Hopefully we can glean an understanding, thus creating harmony for life, love and relationships. Was that melodramatic or what? Really, this is a concern for most men and woemn need to understand why they keep missing the mark, from the man’s perspective.

By Kara

November 8, 2007 11:39 AM | Link to this

Respect Rell, just wondering..what did Darrell say/post to make you think that he believes women are “hard”?

and mackish, umm huh? has that even worked for you?

By Foots

November 8, 2007 11:40 AM | Link to this

China I have a few of extra-medium blog vests left over from Tuesday. Here take two… LOL!!

Seriously though, I’d like to hear the male perspective on your comment. I’ve certainly seen instances of this, and would appreciate the male insight as to whether or not this is true for them.

For me, the respect I have for a man is both freely given and earned. I start from a general level of respect that I feel that we as humans deserve, whether man or woman. And that person, by virtue of his/her actions, can either bolster or chip away from that general respect I gave to them at the beginning.

Like the “love bank” concept, deposits and withdrawals will be made as life is lived and that’s fine with me, as long as the “remaining balance” doesn’t drop below the initial deposit amount. If I come to realize that I no longer have even a basic level of respect for a person, that person has to go, because that’s the point where if they stayed, I would begin to compromise the level of respect I have for myself.

By SexyLeggs

November 8, 2007 11:40 AM | Link to this

Whew! First, ARed2.0, your title “Kim the professional uterus Porter” cut my funny bone to the core. I hollered!

I agree with Wise’s description that men want respect then love and SOME women want love then respect. I believe respect is more important than being loved. Love can grow out of respect. If you disrespect a person, apologize for it later, and disrespect again, it would very hard for love to be showcased. Love for one’s self is tantamount to receiving respect from another. When I realized I lost respect for my ex and realized I was on the verge of doing something I should do while still married was my eye opener. When you lose respect for a person, you also lost the love for that person. They go hand in hand!

By SexyLeggs

November 8, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

BTW Cemeeli, I took old school home last night as well.

By Respect Rell

November 8, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

@china doll..our men huh…lol…here is a thought has not respecting our men worked for you…and when did earning a mans respect become a bad thing…lol….too much….and the battle continues…lol…

By Darrell (of blackthen.com)

November 8, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

Respect Rell

I’m a little puzzled that you garnered all that (in your 11:33 post) from just that brief parenthetical I added in my comment to Foots, but, for what it’s worth, I wasn’t insinuating at all that it’s “hard” to find a woman. I was only saying that I haven’t found one (yet.) That’s all.

By the way, your advice to “Keep it mackish.” cracked me up! LOL! I’ll try and do just that. LOL!

By Wise Diva

November 8, 2007 11:44 AM | Link to this

Lady J, I take it back, the topic is deep in some ways, LOL. The comments today have been VERY thought-provoking. Wow! Keep it up guys!

@Jewel: I believe that one of the objectives of this forum is to shed light on the differences between men and women, I will definitely co-sign that. Although things can break down into a war of words on here, that really is an objective of the forum, to me, anyway. Well said!

By AmazonRed

November 8, 2007 11:46 AM | Link to this

Co-sign @ Kara, I was thinking the same damn thing. LOL

By BennyB

November 8, 2007 11:46 AM | Link to this

Respect is the cornerstone of self discipline. Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as love without respect. What some ladies here call love without respect is codependency (like Diddy and Kim). If a woman values a man she will respect him and vice versa. Respect is something that humans learn at young age, either you respect people, either you don’t. Have you ever dated a man/woman who respect you but disrespect everyone else? Have you ever dated a woman / man who ignore every phone call when he/she is with you? Have you ever had a friend who never returns your phone call unless he/she need you?

When I was dating, I used to monitor how a girl interacts with her circle of friends. If she valued them and treats them with respect, it was on but unfortunately many girls treat their friends like shizzzzzt, they don’t answer their phone calls; don’t return their voice mail when a man occupy their minds. Those girls are naturally disrespectful despite the respect-full-face they show to their man. Our social circle defines who we are. If it’s acceptable in our social circle to treat each other as value less being, then we lack respect in our interactions.
Women who tolerate to be treated badly don’t respect themselves and despite their crying and complaining they don’t have respect for nobody since to respect others one must respect the self.

By Darrell (of blackthen.com)

November 8, 2007 11:48 AM | Link to this

Jewel

Nice post (@ 11:38.) I appreciate your objectivity and sincerity. :-)

By Respect Rell

November 8, 2007 11:53 AM | Link to this

@KARA…ok you get one hater free post from me…so to entertain your feeble attempt to bait me….from previous post the dude reads like a bleeding heart..or one of those dont you see me types = nice guys/good guys…i mean the brother spits good game..so i am wondering what is the problem..that is why i assumed or percieved he may have or had some trouble in that dept

now on to my lil comment about being mackish….yes i said keep it mackish…keep being a man dont settle..etc etc, all the good things i would tell a fellow mack in the struggle to find quality amoung the rif-raff….and has it worked for me…YES…no details..so i hope this helps you…now if you still want to flame me please continue..i can take it

By Cemeeli

November 8, 2007 11:54 AM | Link to this

I need about 3 energy drink for lunch. I don’t even care that they are not good for your b’pressure. I’m so dragging…

Sexyleggs I knew you were. Talking about riding out in that Gremlin. What is Rive Gauche andyway?

By Foots

November 8, 2007 11:56 AM | Link to this

Hey dino, good comment.

Foots now proceeds to blow a respectful kiss towards Rell, just lips, no tongue…

SexyCool sometimes…i am just blown away by some of the things that he considers disrespect that i have not taken so seriously…

Many times (many, many times) I have had the question mark on my face about the myriad instanc