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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2007 > October
October 2007
Haunting down a date
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It seems that in the singles dating realm, you run across people like myself, who are casually waiting to run into someone (preferably at an activity I already participate in every week) that they might just hit it off with. But there are also those who take an incredibly assertive approach to dating—the kind of get-out-there-at-every-opportunity approach. I really admire my friends who take this second approach, because they jump at the chance to increase their odds of meeting someone whenever possible.
For example, for me, tonight’s ghoulish festivities are going to be a chance to laugh with friends, hand out king-sized candy bars to little kids and feel creative in my homemade costume.
But for the more assertive out there, Halloween may be a chance to perform a little magic on someone.
Do you consider yourself a go-with-the-flow dater, or you actively trying to get out there to meet new people and increase your options? If you consider yourself more casual, do you ever try to push yourself by showing up at singles events or new places to meet people?
If you consider yourself a more aggressive dater, do you ever end up dating people already within your circle of friends?
Are you using your Halloween costume to show off a little skin and possibly woo a potential vampire or vampiress? Or are you just going to celebrate a night of frivolous fun?
Disclaimer: Diva wrote an awesome blog about Halloween, the hook-up holiday, last week. This week’s blog is more about your personal approach to dating scene. Thanks, Wise!
Permalink | Comments (226) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Stripping away misconceptions?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Prior to the BET awards, The AJC ran an article in its Living section asking Atlanta celebs where to eat, shop, and live it up as hip-hop’s best flooded the city.
Jermaine Dupri was not the only advocate of strip clubs in the story, but the content of his quote jumped out at me:
“If you’re a male and you’re single — [adult entertainment club] Magic City. You’ve got to go there. Experience that. Even if you’re a woman, I think you should experience the strip-club life. I think there’s a misconception on the woman’s part of what happens in a strip club. Women believe we’re in there with the girls in our laps or something. Our strip clubs are more like nightclubs. [Girlfriend] Janet [Jackson] has been there with me. Plenty of times.”
Women, do you date men who go to strip clubs? If so, do you attend as well? Is there a difference between someone who’s not dating anyone at all, someone who’s in a committed relationship, and someone who’s married going out for adult entertainment?
Men, if you go to strip clubs, do you take your women with you? Have you found women to be accepting of these types of activities? Have you ever dated a woman who was not OK with this?
Does seeking out adult entertainment reflect on the quality of your dating life, or is it simply an activity one participates in, such as soccer or cooking? Do you think going out on such outings is becoming less and less taboo as our dating culture evolves?
Permalink | Comments (195) | Categories: Dating
Call it what you want
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The weirdest part of dating for me is the nomenclature of different stages in relationships. For example, when I first moved to the South, I inquired after a couple of people who I noticed had been spending a lot of time together. “They’re talking,” I was told. Talking? “Yes,” someone explained. It’s when someone is in the pre-stages of dating. And it is an official label.
Well, that was news to me.
As I’ve gotten older, the people have matured, but the weird categorization of dating relationships has remained a mystery. Right now I have two friends who are “just getting to know each other” who couldn’t have spent more time last night hugging each other and rubbing each others’ shoulders. And this has been going on for weeks. You can’t convince me that they aren’t into each other. But their official stance: “We’re just getting to know each other.”
And yet, some people who choose to spend the night together wouldn’t even classify themselves as friends, much less lovers or significant others. And of course, there are all sorts of classifications in between.
Have you ever been in an ambiguous relationship? Something that defied classification? Or what about something completely classifiable that you felt was simply…mislabeled by one or both parties?
If your relationships are pretty cut and dried, do you have friends who end up in relationships that are difficult to define? “Allow me to introduce you to Ben, my…er…uh…this is Ben!”
Why does there seem to be such an infinite number of different types of relationships between “friends” and “lovers?” Is calling a relationship what it is really that difficult, or do we make it that way?
Permalink | Comments (228) | Categories: Relationships
Halloween: Hook-up Holiday
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You managed to get through all those hot summer nights alone. Fall is here and you are ready to mingle and meet someone. Halloween is the perfect excuse to play that mysterious stranger. You could meet someone new and flirt shamelessly as “your alter ego” or you may prefer to get out there as your wonderful self. The point is to get out of the house and have fun! Wearing a great costume provides the perfect ice-breakers.
I have been approached by Austin Powers: “Do I make you horny, baby?” (Yeah, he got the digits, he was cute!); another guy dressed as “Dr. McSteamy offered to give me a physical. It was a crazy night, but I have to say that I laughed the entire time!
How are you planning to celebrate the hook-up holiday? It’s the single person’s “Valentine’s Day”, so the options are endless. Are you going to a party? What will you wear? Have you ever had a Halloween Hook Up (flirting, number exchanges, kissing, etc.) that sparked a new romance? It’s always so fun to watch adults run around living out their fantasies. Do you think your costume says a lot about your personality, taste, or style?
Whatever plans you have this weekend, please be careful! Happy Friday!
Permalink | Comments (144) | Categories: Holidays
Where is the (baby) love?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend Gregg is adamant about not having children. He is 37 years old and leads quite a whirlwind life as a photographer. He loves the freedom of his life and the idea of being a parent just doesn’t appeal to him. We were talking the other day about how it was so hard for him to continue a relationship very long because this was always the deal-breaker.
Are you someone that prefers to be child-free? If so, have you always felt this way? How does this impact your dating life?
A couple of months ago, Christopher (who I wanted to be more than friends with) asked me if I would have a child with him. When I told him that I was slightly offended by the idea, he didn’t understand why. According to him, it was the greatest compliment ever because that is the kind of bond that would never be severed. He didn’t want a serious relationship with anyone, but he felt ready to become a father. He thinks that we would be great parents together because we were “attractive, educated, and responsible,” (as if that’s all you need) and he even worked out some of the details!
Would you consider a “co-parenting” arrangement with someone you know?
If you could only choose between having a child or having a marriage, which would you choose?
Have you ever dated someone who doesn’t want children and you do? How did you handle it?
Permalink | Comments (197) | Categories: Dating
He’s invisible
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Before you weigh in on today’s topic, you have a pre-comment assignment. Check out this clip. If you aren’t able to view it, this is a clip from one of my favorite shows, Scrubs, entitled “You don’t notice women with wedding rings”. Hilarious right?
I once wrote about married people who infiltrate the dating scene seeking..well, who knows what they are seeking: swing partners, one night stands, ego boosting, plain old attention that they clearly aren’t getting at home. The problem is that people who are married don’t always wear wedding rings/bands. Do you think that wedding rings and/or bands are still important?
I remember meeting this guy at a networking event last year. I thought he was checking me out, and we talked for a solid hour. As we were exchanging business cards, he said, “Oh and let me give you my fiancee’s card too. Great!
Why can’t engaged guys be marked as “off the market” too! If not with a ring, how about a nifty post-it note, sticking on the forehead or a t-shirt that reads “countdown to wedding date” or something!?
Are married, engaged, or coupled up people invisible to you in terms of dating and flirting?
Is it a good idea to befriend them if you are really attracted to them?
Permalink | Comments (251) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Bad for me
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was listening to a song by Danielle Peck the other day called, Bad For Me. It’s a great song that is about how everything that feels so good, is not always good for us, or to us. I can relate, Danielle, boy can I relate!
Yesterday, we discussed people who make us better and bring out the best sides of us. Have you ever dated someone that seemed to bring out your bad side? What was it about them that made them irresistible? How much does that have to do with our own choices and growth, and how much is it about the other person?
Do you think that we get involved with folks who are bad for us because we mistake what we feel around them as passion and excitement? Now, I’m not only referring to bad boys and vixens. Maybe there is a fundamental incompatibility that proves to be too much to surpass, yet we find it difficult to let go and move on. How do you handle that situation?
Check out a few lines from the Bad For Me song:
Oh, I like danger, but common sense sure don’t
Tonight I’ll like your sweet lies, but tomorrow my heart sure won’t
These are just some things that I love that are bad for me
But of all the things I shouldn’t do
Number one is lovin’ you
There’s a fatal charm in your faithless arms
Why is everything that feels so dang good bad for me?
Let’s swap our guilty pleasures: what do you love, that feels so good but is totally bad for you?
Permalink | Comments (252) | Categories: Relationships
You make me better
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As unromantic as it may sound, relationships and marriage are a lot like business mergers. When two successful companies merge, the result is a stronger, more powerful force. In relationships, the same can happen when two people join together.
A lot of single people struggle with the idea of someone else making them better. We already think so highly of ourselves! How can you upgrade something that is so wonderful on its own? It’s not just the women that think this way, either. Single men sometimes think they are perfect the way they are and any efforts by a woman to change him in any way gets met with resistance.
Do you think there is a difference between changing someone and helping them grow?
I remember in the film, As Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholson says, “You make me want to be a better man.” What a powerful sentiment that was! How many people have met someone that makes them want to be a better person or the best person they can be?
Thanks to Mr. 2 for the topic idea
Permalink | Comments (155) | Categories: Relationships
Trust me
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of my friends just broke up with her boyfriend over an incident that happened while he was away on vacation. She was hanging out (with multiple other people) at a male friend’s house, alcohol was being consumed, and before she knew it, her friend planted one right on her lips.
Once her boyfriend returned home from his trip, she immediately reported the incident to him, as well as another situation in which one of his friends kind of danced up on her inappropriately. Despite her full disclosure, her boyfriend broke up with her over the incidents that weekend.
Now, to be honest, knowing what I know about this friend, I probably wouldn’t date her if I were a guy. I think she willingly puts herself in situations where things like that can happen, and her boyfriend probably made a good decision not to continue with her long-term.
At the same time, it’s not as if my friend willed any of this to happen—she pulled away from the aggressive dancer, and she told her boyfriend about the kiss, which she did not initiate and claims completely took her by surprise.
How trusting are you in dating relationships? If your SO told you that someone kissed them would you give them a second chance? At what point is the person you’re dating responsible for “events” that may occur in your absence?
How far does someone have to go to break your trust in a relationship? Do you consider yourself more forgiving or unforgiving?
Have you ever been in a relationship in which someone broke your trust past the point of repair? Have you ever been the one breaking the trust?
Permalink | Comments (255) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
The green-eyed monster
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I can remember only two times in my life when I have been really, truly, green with envy. Once was when a long-time high school boyfriend (with whom I was on a break) was talking up a cutie patootie on the volleyball team. She was tall with long, curly brown hair and pretty quiet—in direct contrast to my loud, boisterous flaming aura of blondness. I was seething that she would receive the same type of attention that I had received only days prior.
The other time was over a man I actually never had any claim on—a friend I’d been spending every day with that summer but was not dating. When he took what was supposed to be a weekend trip up to his sister’s wedding, the holiday extended into a one-month stay with a woman he’d met at the reception. I almost can’t explain my feelings, since he wasn’t mine and I didn’t want him to be, but for some reason I felt that I had been the special woman in his life and was now being tossed aside.
How disruptive can jealousy be to relationships? Is it always a bad thing? Is there ever a time when jealousy can actually help a relationship?
Have you ever experienced a bout of “irrational” jealousy, when you had no logical reason to be jealous? Has your partner ever been irrationally jealous?
Permalink | Comments (162) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
A study in feminism
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
In response to yesterday’s blog conversation, let me just say I do make my own living, but no, I don’t need a cookie for it. Actually, I may have rewarded myself, since my relationships may be healthier because I’m a feminist, according to a study published in Science Daily this week.
For the full article, click here.
According to the study, feminism seems to add to the quality of heterosexual relationships, not detract from it. Furthermore, feminists questioned in the study actually had “more stable relationships and greater sexual satisfaction.”
Does this article fly in the face of stereotypes you had previously associated with feminism? Does being a feminist automatically indicate that your relationships would be rocky or short-lived?
Men, do you typically date women who identify themselves as feminists? Women, do you usually associate yourself with this movement? Why or why not? How does your stance affect your dating life?
Permalink | Comments (229) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Avoiding Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
While talking with one of my girl friends the other day, she was questioning why I wasn’t dating one of my male friends, who is clearly interested in me. I listed the most specific reasons for her-mainly personality differences and a lack of chemistry that would make a real “relationship” impossible.
When she heard this she sighed and said, “But he’s just so nice….I just want a boy to like me.” She sounded like she was 13, but I know that so many women have had the same thoughts ricocheting inside their heads.
This prompted further discussion about why she keeps ending up dating the wrong guys. (And in this case, wrong means mentally ill, socially impossible and/or verbally abusive. Really. She’s dated more head cases than I have shoes.)
This friend meets so few “nice” guys that when she meets someone who seems relatively normal, she’s hooked. Just open her car door and she’s ready to throw herself at you. But then these guys who seem so nice (read: learned a few tricks) end up being experiments in psychiatry.
When you’re considering someone for a potential date, what’s on your checklist? In my friend’s case, it’s simply “nice” and “cute.” We agreed that she needs to add some items to her list, for her own mental health if for no other reason!
What qualities does someone absolutely have to possess before you would consider dating them? Have you ever dated anyone who met all your up-front standards but then turned out to be psychotic later?
How do you pick up on personality traits that may be lurking under the surface? Is it just inherent wisdom or something you learn over time?
Permalink | Comments (218) | Categories: Dating
Nexting the ex…again
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have you ever had the ex that’s like a boomerang? He or she just keeps showing up in your life, sometimes unannounced, sometimes expected, but always returning with the intention of wooing you back?
I got to spend the whole weekend with one of the most wonderful women I know from college. But her most recent (verbally abusive!) ex-boyfriend would not stop texting her! There they were: text after text. I just saw the best commercial…What’s up?… I miss you…I think we should be together. She dated this guy for more than a year, with a couple of breaks in between, but now all she wants to do is wash her hands of him. I advised her a few weeks ago that the best thing she can do is ignore him, because the times that she has told him she doesn’t want him around anymore, he resorts to criticizing her to the point of making her cry.
But apparently, the silent treatment is taking a while to sink in.
Do you have a boomerang ex? Is there someone who tends to swing back into your life when you least want him or her?
Have you ever been guilty of dating the ex multiple times, possibly encouraging the boomerang behavior to happen later?
Is there a better way to deal with someone you truly don’t want in your life anymore? Possibly something more mature than the silent treatment?
Permalink | Comments (154) | Categories: Dating
Put me down!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Let’s call this “Scenes of a Diva”. The scene: My office. The characters: Yours truly busy at work (oh hush, I do work!), Clueless Single Guy - slightly older man who works in another department. Keep in mind, this is our first real conversation, which just makes this entire scene that much more creepy!
CSG walks in the office and looks at my desk.
CSG: Are those your kids in that picture?
WD: No, those are my sister’s kids.
CSG: You don’t have children?
WD: No, I don’t have any.
CSG: Why not?
WD: I don’t have a husband, which I sort of want before I have kids.
CSG: You are single, with no kids?
WD: Yup
CSG: Why, don’t you like men?
WD: speechless
CSG: How old are you anyway?
WD: still speechless
CSG: Maybe you just come across wrong to men.
Yes, it was just that random. Believe me, he said more outrageous things to me after that. I had no idea this guy was flirting with me. How could I? He actually insulted me before having the nerve to actually ask me out on a date. I was stunned!
I was thinking, “Wait, did he just try to pick me up!? That’s a pick up line!? If this is what he calls a pick-up, he needs to put me down, and then just walk away!
It wasn’t until after I declined his offer that he realized he wasn’t impressing me with his so called macking skills. I guess my sarcasm and evil glances completely went unnoticed. Great, now I am the angry black woman with an attitude problem. Fine! In this particular situation, I didn’t mind that stereotype!
Have you ever had someone treat you outright mean, in an attempt to actually woo you?
Do you agree with that old adage, treat them mean, keep them keen? Has that ever worked for you?
Do you get better responses from someone that you insult or are rude to than being kind and considerate?
What is your worst, strangest, most outrageous pick up line or wooing technique you have used or was used on you? What kind of response did you give/get?
Happy FRIDAY!!!
Permalink | Comments (158) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Romance is dead
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Unless you are coupled up or in a relationship, romance can become the Haley’s Comet of dating for single people. It’s kind of sad, really, that some of us are so jaded, guarded, suspicious, and bitter that we simply stopped romancing each other.
I can understand why men and women find it hard to get over their gender mistrust to actually romance someone they just met. There are little things that some of us don’t bother to really do until we confirm that there is an actual connection - or potential for booty, whatever!
Well, I personally love to be romanced and courted - I am old-fashioned that way. I also don’t mind reciprocating the romance, either. In fact, if I have those butterfly feelings, I actually get excited romancing a new guy.
These are a few romantic things I have done pre-relationship that have brought smiles to the men that I have dated:
1) Took care of his dog when his boy bailed on him at the last minute. We had only had two dates by then. I offered because, well that man had me at hello - like literally, I think I gasped when I first spotted him.
2) A week after our first date, Victor and I were hanging out at a local store (yes there are some still around!). He asked the salesman about a reggae artist’s album and mentioned that the artist’s earlier stuff was probably his best work. By our next date, I had the first album that artist ever made. Scored major points!
3) My friends know that I don’t cook for many people, barely myself! When Fireman mentioned that he didn’t want to eat the unhealthy food at the firehouse, I dropped off a very healthy, yet filling meal to him. This is a guy who showed up to our first date with a rose, so I felt good showing him a little romance reciprocity.
4) I picked up my date and took him on a picnic, at night. I am SO not nature girl, so this seemed like a huge sacrifice of my diva world - but we had a ball! It was only our 3rd date, but I had known the guy for a year.
So, do you guys ever feel that romance is lacking on the dating scene? Why do you think we hesitate to romance one another?
Between text messaging and Myspace mingling, modern singles may need some new lessons and refreshers on true romance - the old school kind. How can romance be preserved?
When do you bring on the romance in your dating life - after date one or three? Once you have discovered the chemistry is there? After you have “the talk” of exclusivity?
What is romance to you pre-relationship? In your own dating experiences, is romance dead?
Permalink | Comments (154) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
First, Worst & Lasting
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was talking to a guy of interest recently, and the topic of love came up. We were poking fun at those hokey reality television shows that seem to mock true love and commitment. We talked about first loves, worst loves, and making good love last. You could gain a lot of insight into a person when you ask them about their ideas and experiences with love.
What was your first love like? Was it puppy love in high school, an intensely passionate affair when you were older, or are you in the throes of it right now?
Do you have a worst love where the ride was bumpy the entire relationship? Strangely enough, some people would call their worst love experience the same as their best. Love is funny and schizophrenic that way.
Finally, my personal favorite - lasting love. Do single people still want that? Do you any of us know what it takes to have a lasting love?
Permalink | Comments (153) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
So they cheated, now what?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I have only been cheated on by one boyfriend (well, that I know of?) and we had only just decided to be exclusive. It was really weird because he was the one that pushed for us to be in a committed relationship. Yet, practically weeks later, I find out he hooked up with someone from work.
I didn’t break things off with him because of that though - against my better judgment, and boy did I end up regretting that one. At the time, I decided to overlook the fact that he cheated because it took away the question - is he the cheating type? Well, now that it was established that he was, what was I going to do about it? Yea, I didn’t think that far ahead. I was too busy trying to keep in him my life to really grasp the message I was getting about his character. I call this my learning lessons the hard way phase!
Do you think that a person who cheats on their boyfriend/girlfriend, would do the same during a marriage?
Have you ever dated someone that cheated on you? How did you handle it? If you stayed with them, how did you get past it?
When it comes to deception and dating, what bad behaviors are you willing to forgive and forget?
What kind of dating mistake is unforgivable to you? What kind can you learn to forgive?
Permalink | Comments (230) | Categories: Relationships
Me, Myself, & I
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
After spending a great deal of energy on men in my 20s, the past five years have been vastly different. I have come to realize that dating and relationships really became the side dish instead of the entree, so to speak.
I think this is mainly because I got over my fear of being single a long time ago. In some ways, this is a good thing. However, I do often wonder if mastering the art of aloneness and singlehood is why a lot of us single people get too comfy in our lives.
At my age, how will I adjust to sharing the same bed, bathroom, home with another person? What will it be like having to always think of another person’s feelings? How will I transition from “It’s all about me” to “Honey, what do you need?”.
Do you ever think that you are “too good” at being single?
Do you think that marrying when you are younger (right out of high school or college) is wiser than waiting till you are older?
If you are engaged or married, what were the toughest challenges you faced when things shifted from “just me” to” what’s mine is yours”?
A friend of mine asked me the other day if I ever got lonely. I had to stop and really think about the last time I felt “alone”. I suppose those moments are fleeting, and I don’t dwell on them for long. How do you cope with the lonely days of single life?
Permalink | Comments (141) | Categories: About Wise Diva
Age ain’t nothing but a number
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last weekend I met a couple in which the woman was significantly older than the man. The man seemed to be in his late fifties, but the woman seemed like she could have been at least 80 years old if not older! I thought at first that he was taking care of his mother! I confirmed with someone privately that she was, indeed, a significantly older wife, and that I was not the first person to mistake her!
I consider myself part of a generation that is redefining what “normal” relationships look like — whether it has to do with sexual preference, race/ethnicity, where you’re from or who your family is. We simply aren’t abiding by traditional guidelines when it comes to these things.
But despite my societal context, I hardly know anyone in a Harold-and-Maude-type situation. Celebrities don’t count, because they don’t exactly live in reality. It seems that in the age department, we’re less likely to branch out than we are in other traditionally social taboos.
When it comes to age, do you have a ceiling on who would be too old for you, or a minimum age for potential dates? Have you ever taken a chance by dating outside your normal range? What was the outcome?
Obviously, the age issue can be very different for women than it is for men, but it seems we are also crossing traditional lines there. Women, is it easier for you to date younger or older men? Which do you prefer?
Men, have you ever encountered women who wouldn’t date you because of the age gap? Have you ever had a relationship fail because of an age difference?
Permalink | Comments (174) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Properties of chemistry
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
According to an Associated Press article yesterday, a new dating service is offering video chat via the web in order to give singles a better idea of the actual chemistry they might have with each other.
The service combines the idea of speed dating, which typically introduces couple in lightning-fast fashion, with online dating, which offers up front a little more background on daters’ prospects. For the full article, click here.
In your dating history, have you been more successful with people you were “in lust” with at first sight (i.e. the chemistry was at its peak from the get-go), or have your relationships been more successful when the chemistry built up over time?
And guys, I’m not just talking about physical attractiveness here, although that’s important. By chemistry, we mean the general aura someone gives off and how you react with it.
Do you generally know in the first three minutes of meeting someone whether there’s chemistry, or does it take you longer? Can nervousness or a bad day interrupt the aura you usually project, or is chemistry something you exude no matter what your attitude?
Permalink | Comments (131) | Categories: Dating
Spare tires
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A long-time staple of single society—“friends with benefits”—has finally been studied as a sociological phenomenon.
The study, conducted by students at Michigan State University, may be the first organized attempt at understanding the motivation behind these types of relationships and the needs that are met (or not met, as the case may be) through them.
For the full story, click here.
One of the most interesting aspects of the study is the eventual outcome of the relationships: “One-tenth of these relationships went on to become full-scale romances, the study found. About a third stopped the sex and remained friends, and one in four eventually broke it off — the sex and the friendship. The rest continued as friends-with-benefits relationships.”
One-tenth actually sounds really high to me, but you have to take into account that the study was done on college students. And despite the young sample field, the study at least gives us a numerical look into what happens in these situations.
Do you have friends with benefits (or what I call a “spare tire”)? Have you ever ended up in a “full-scale romance” from one of them? Do you actually remain friends after ending such a relationship?
Have you ever ended up as one of the 25% — the ones who lost a friend after the relationship was over?
The article mentions the “growing fear that the one person would become more attracted than the other,” but are there other drawbacks to this type of relationship?
Permalink | Comments (260) | Categories: Relationships
Old flames die hard
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This weekend I spent time with some new acquaintances when we realized that we knew people from the same small town in Alabama. During the discussion, it came to light that two of the women had dated the same young man from this town more than 25 years ago. Both of these women had since married and had children and were still with their husbands. One woman was very lighthearted about the conversation and took joy in the fact that we had just made our worlds a little bit smaller by making this connection.
But it was very clear that the other woman was uncomfortable. In fact, it was written all over her face that she had never recovered from this relationship. Later, she privately told a couple of us about how this man was her first love, that he had been away fighting in Vietnam during part of their relationship, and that when he came back from the war she had expected things to get serious. Instead, he broke up with her.
What struck me was that this relationship had happened so long ago, and this woman was still very hurt by it almost three decades later. She’s even married another man, seems to have moved on with her life and is relatively happy overall, but mention of the relationship visibly shook her.
Do first loves take more time to get over than subsequent crushes or relationships? Or does it depend more on the intensity/time commitment of the relationship?
Do you have relationships in your past you haven’t recovered from? Have you had significant others who took a disproportionate time to get over?
Are there simply some relationships your heart never fully heals from? Or is there a healthy way to move on from any breakup?
Permalink | Comments (150) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Opposites (and similarities!) attract
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When I was younger, my mother told me that based on sociology studies in America, people who married young married spouses who were very different from them—in terms of personal interests, hobbies, personalities, etc.—although their moral values and basic beliefs may be very similar. The same study found that people who married later in life married spouses who had much in common with them.
This has always made a lot of sense to me, because I think that as you age, you become sort of set in your ways, and you’re less likely to put up with shenanigans that you have no interest in. If you have no interest in roller derby, it’s going to take a heckuvalot to go to someone’s skate events each week.
But as logical as this analysis seems to me, I find myself veering the opposite direction. I think when I was younger I opted for people with personalities very similar to mine, possibly because I’m an extrovert and I feed off of other people’s energy.
Whatever the case, these days I often end up attracted to (shock!) even quiet men, if all their other ducks are in a row. My most recent crush is much more reserved than I ever imagined myself being with, but what can I say? I guess my tastes have changed.
Do you think people tend to settle down with spouses who are more like themselves once they’re older? Is there an obvious reason for such a trend?
Who do you tend to date—your mirror image or your complete opposite? Has this changed as you’ve gotten older?
Have you had better experiences dating people who have more in common with you? Or has dating people who have varied interests been easier?
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