Misadventures in Atlanta

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 8:29 AM | Link to this

I’m so sleepy……. good morning Bella and Rell.

Guys don’t like labeling. Not the ones I’ve dated anyway. It’s us females who want to put a name to everything. We want to know what’s up now. Guys always want to see how it goes. That’s my 02.

By SlimOne

October 29, 2007 8:42 AM | Link to this

Morning yaaawwwwwn

Hi Beautiful

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 8:49 AM | Link to this

Wake up gurl? I should have stayed in bed like every1 else……..yaaaaawwwwn.

By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert

October 29, 2007 8:52 AM | Link to this

Good Morning All,

Have you ever been in an ambiguous relationship? yes

Something that defied classification? No not really-we just simply didnt classify it as anything more than friends

Or what about something completely classifiable that you felt was simply…mislabeled by one or both parties? I have thought that something the guy felt was just friends was something more than that

Is calling a relationship what it is really that difficult, or do we make it that way? I dont think it is difficult because no matter what label you throw on something it is still a relationship. If you are just meeting for drinks and dating around..then you are in a dating relationship..if you are screwing around then it is a sexual relationship. etc.*

I agree with Beautiful that we (women) have a tendency to label things wayyyyy more than men. Men go with the flow if it happens..it happens..if it doesn’t well it happens. We as women have a need to want things define in clear terms…We need the words(label) as proof that this is real. Men on the other hand think “I went to the mall with you didnt I?” I got your oil changed..I ate your cooking what more do you want as proof?”

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 9:01 AM | Link to this

Morning all

waving @bootyful….lol

ummm is this spare tire the remix…lol

all relationships ambiguous…check the divorce rate again…the problem is folks dont respect growth..or let me say know how to accept in there partner….friends should be lovers…some of my best relationships have been with my female friends..for one your friends accept you as is….

By Mo (now known as Moeisha)

October 29, 2007 9:03 AM | Link to this

Mo draggin in, not quite awake..I am like Garfield this morning..I HATE Mondays… I sure could use one more hour of sleep!

BRB…need a Pepsi..STAT!

By Dan

October 29, 2007 9:03 AM | Link to this

Learned this one from a female friend this weekend:

“Exclusive ongoing physically intimate relationship.”

And that’s how she brought it to me. Shout out to the Kenneth Cole Signature!

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone. It’s been so long since I’ve dated that I think I’ll just lurk today. However, I will say that this blog is very scary. The dating scene, as depicted here, is ominous at best. If and when I decide to date and mingle, I think I’ll just date myself and call it a day..LOL.

By Atlanta Pearl Girl

October 29, 2007 9:04 AM | Link to this

I think it’s appropriate to just say “This is Mark” or whomever.
No need to go into details.

Atlanta Pearl Girl

By QC

October 29, 2007 9:06 AM | Link to this

Morning!

Have a great day bloggers…..

By Foots

October 29, 2007 9:16 AM | Link to this

Good morning all! Most of my relationships have been pretty cut and dried. Either we were together and knew that we were in a relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend or we were not. In the past, I’ve left it to the guy to let me know that we were official, if we were going to BE a couple, and that happens fairly soon after we start seeing each other (within the first month or two). If he doesn’t assign us a title, I assume that we are just “dating” or “friends”.

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 9:20 AM | Link to this

Atlanta Pearl Girl, i want details. if it’s not clear where we are in the relationship, then he better not even get mad when John, Donte’, Chris, Randy, or Mark calls me. and he better not expect me to be available when he wants to see me or do somethin’. i don’t read minds. communication is extremely important.

By Foots

October 29, 2007 9:20 AM | Link to this

Wise It’s funny that you mention the “talking” classification. Maybe it’s a South thing, because that’s how I still classify dudes that I have mostly just talked on the phone to and have met up with a couple of times trying to find some common ground, but it’s not moved to dating yet.

Because I grew up in a small town, you didn’t date, there was no place TO go. You only had one high school so you already knew of everybody who was available to you. “Talking” referred to moving past seeing somebody in the hall and saying hello to actually starting to talk to them on the phone, at school, and outside of school. If that worked out, y’all were a couple, just like that. We never used the term dating, just “talking” and “boyfriend/girlfriend”.

I didn’t know what dating was until after my first relationship ended in Atlanta. I broke up with I was with for two years in college and that weekend, I met someone here and we started “talking” and then we were a couple, just like back home, and stayed together for two years in total. After we broke up, I got my first taste of true ATL dating….and wanted to go back home. :-(

By Dave

October 29, 2007 9:23 AM | Link to this

Seems like all my relationships are ambiguous until there is a commitment.

My labels: Pre-commitment: single - not sleeping with anyone dating - sleeping with friends - may or may not be sleeping or off and on.

Post-Commitment: girlfriend - not sleeping or hanging out with other girls. Still tell close female friends I love them. Fiance - Not telling close female friends I love them, not doing anything that might be misinterpreted.

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 9:25 AM | Link to this

hey y’all…….SexyLeggs, gal I met a cougar this weekend and couldn’t help but think about you…..I think I’m hooked!!….lawd, what have I been missin’!!!!!! ain’t nuttin happen, just the whole aura of it….

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 9:55 AM | Link to this

It’s funny how some of y’all still can’t tell the difference between BELLA and WiseDiva! LOL.

Well, this topic hits home for me, because all of my relationships have been ambiguous for the last 7 years or so. I listened to men’s complaints that they weren’t into “titles” or that they needed time to be sure. It’s all code for bullshat! No longer am I gonna be the understanding cool chick where he gets what he wants and I’m sitting around waiting for him to “get ready.” This past “relationship” of mine made me realized that even if you meet the family, friends, go on trips, etc, doesn’t mean you are at all special.

So it’s no longer about what they want, it’s all about what I want. Either you’re with me or you’re not! There are plenty of men out there who are ready to tell the world who their woman is with no “confusion.”

*exhales * Whoo sah! That felt better. LOL. Morning all!

By SexyCool

October 29, 2007 10:01 AM | Link to this

*Have you ever been in an ambiguous relationship? *…haven’t we all?

By SexyCool

October 29, 2007 10:07 AM | Link to this

i can SO tell the difference between wise and bella…

By binford

October 29, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this

Hands AmazonRed a paper bag. Breathe darlin, BREATHE!

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 10:20 AM | Link to this

Sexy Cool, give us something to talk about girl…….I’mma stop coming to 4th period lunch, this one is lame….!

By Bella

October 29, 2007 10:23 AM | Link to this

Good morning, everyone!

I agree, Beautiful! Men are notorious for not wanting to define a relationship, but lately I’ve run into many women who are the same! Sometimes I think it’s not that they don’t want to define it, but are scared to ask the man in fear that he’ll bolt!

And for the sake of today’s blog, we’re not talking about someone you just met, like, a week ago. Let’s say you’ve known this person/had some sort of relationship with them for at least 6 months!

By Foots

October 29, 2007 10:25 AM | Link to this

Okay, fine. I’ll apologize. Sorry Bella. I just read the entry and sometimes I skip the name. Everybody cool?

By kimmie

October 29, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this

Amazon Red - I so feel you! Don’t matter if you meet the family & friends - doesn’t mean you are special at all. Been there, won’t do it again! Either he’s WITH ME or he’s NOT!

Foots - Did you watch the DOGS Saturday? Was that game not off the chain?!!!! Feels GOOD!!!!!!!

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this

Whoo…thanks binford, got my presha up this morning! LOL.

Foots, it’s all good. You weren’t the only one who makes that mistake. I just find it humorous.

By Em-H

October 29, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this

Snatches paper bag before it’s given to AmazonRed… “What are you handing that to her for? She’s cool… She ain’t snappin on nobody!! She’s having that self worth moment!” Kudos for you sweetheart and hopefully you continue to practice what you preach!

Em-H is the official spokesperson for AmazonRed although in this instance it may seem that way!!

By SexyCool

October 29, 2007 10:36 AM | Link to this

foots…ain’t nobody mad atchu…i was actually just really pointing out that i can tell the difference in wise and bella because of the depth of their topics…

wise writes on a much deeper level…and it’s easily evident that the differences between the two are the result of age, maturity, experience and wisdom…

i’m not knocking bella…she writes from her circle of experience…i just happen to relate with wise better because i have more in common with her as a mid 30’s black woman than i do with bella as a mid 20’s white woman…

our lives are colored from totally different palettes (SP?)…

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this

i was in a relationship that just ended last July where i couldn’t meet his kids or family!!! i went ahead with it like a freakin’ idiot because i thought it was a Georgia thang. never again!!! when i left him, he had the nerve to say i kept him behind closed doors. i told him that if i couldn’t see his kids he couldn’t see mine. you started it! lol. so lame. i can’t believe that i was attracted to someone like that.

By binford

October 29, 2007 10:42 AM | Link to this

Bella , you’ve never seen the billboards menseekingmarriage.com? ;p

I was dating a girl for about a month and she was begging for a title. I told her I was seeing no one else and that I liked her but could not refer to her as my girlfriend yet, as the title implies a more serious commitment (to me anyway). She harped on it and gave me an ultimatum. Needless to say, she never became my girlfriend.

I know plenty and gals and guys who play the game straight-up. What occurs to me is that people are either afraid to progress in a relationship OR they are keeping their options open.

By Willie Dynamite

October 29, 2007 10:46 AM | Link to this

As always a slight tap on da azz to the WLB and dap to the MLB

On-Topic-Not a whole lot to talk about here. I’ll lurk until the convo changes to something a lil betta (not boring).

By Jazzyone11

October 29, 2007 10:48 AM | Link to this

Morning ya!..yeah been there before with the ambiguity in relationships, but I have to say in probably 16 yrs yes we do need to define where the relationship is going or ‘at’ in my world becasue I don’t have time for drama etc if he and I aren’t on the same page. If we don’t have that discussion he may assume that I am dating others or seeing others and he would be right. man or woman I think its important at some point to define a relationship and have a convo about it or you are setting yourself up for assumtion and guess work both in which can get your @ss killed….

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 10:49 AM | Link to this

2C, too funny. I’m glad for you. Frankly, you’ve been missing quite a bit. That sensual aura/confidence can be extremely intoxicating. Are you going to call her and take her out, or are you going to leave her alone?

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 10:50 AM | Link to this

LOL. Thanks Em-H!

binford, your story is a common one (at least from my experiences). Let me ask you this: In that month, were you guys also having sex?

I just find it funny that guys want all the perks of a relationship, but none of the responsibilities. Sex can result in a 18 year sentence (a child) with someone, but yet it’s the title of “girlfriend” that gets mens boxers in a bunch! Baffles my mind. LOL

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this

binford, you hit it right on the head keeping their options open.

By Staceye

October 29, 2007 10:56 AM | Link to this

Morning all….this is the story of my life since moving to ATL. I feel you ARed…think we’ve been dating the same men? LOL The last guy I dated gave me the “I don’t rush into relationships” crap! I never said let’s move in together or get married…just a relationship. It’s cool to them as long as they can get all the benefits of a relationship…but not having to commit. Ladies…if a guy says you are “dating” and he says he’s only dating you…the term dating means, currently I am only dating you but if the option arises, I ama asingle man I can therefore take it and I do not have to let you know about it. So don’t assume you are in a comiitted relationship. Clarify where you both stand so you are not the one left putting him in that only man I’m seeing box and he is out doing his own thing. If he tells you he doesn;t rush into relationships..tell him you don;t rush into sex and see if he stays around. And sitll beware of those that do stay because he most likely willbe getting it fomr someone else. He likes you…but not enough to calm his hormones for awhile to see where it’s going. Funny..I never had the committment problems in NY. Here because of the shortage of men..the eligible ones got that why should I only have one mentality. So they feed the “getting to know you” crap for as long as they can…then they bounce.

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 11:00 AM | Link to this

@ar..what does sex have to do with..most men dont like labels because they dont want to be placed in a box…..and just most men are cool with the “as is”…women usually start in with the perks before even qualifying the man….

By Foots

October 29, 2007 11:02 AM | Link to this

Let’s say you’ve known this person/had some sort of relationship with them for at least 6 months!

6 months?!?!? Wow!! In my experience, a guy can know that he wants you as his woman pretty quickly. He’ll claim it, if for no other reason than he doesn’t want anybody else to claim it. I agree with binford, if titling is a problem, people are either afraid to progress in a relationship OR they are keeping their options open. If they are on the level and know what they want, it won’t take anywhere near 6 months for a dude to refer to a woman as HIS woman.

kimmie OH MY GOODNESS!! I’m still on Cloud 9!! I got to rag my boss a little today about it too. It’s all good in Bulldog Nation right about now! :-)

By melo

October 29, 2007 11:03 AM | Link to this

how can u not tell the difference between Bella and Wise when they have their names at the top on every topic? On topic, i think its better to enjoy the relationship than the tag. When you begin to share toothbrushes, time and money together, then you know its a wrap.Dont waste time on tags coz they have no substance.

By Annuts1bmun

October 29, 2007 11:05 AM | Link to this

As women we have to realize our value and stop letting men define your role, define your own role. See, men are not complicated…when they see us they already have a plan, we may not like the plan but they always have plan. You will recognize the plan by the way he treats you. The key is to recognize the plan and to play your hand. Your hand is either you are with it or you are not. Truth of the matter is…men will make very little modications to the plan once the plan has been put into play.

If you consider yourself wifey material don’t settle for the hit and run plan or layaway plan. Layaway plan=He will lay you in the cut til something betta comes along…and so on.

Really it’s not complicated.

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this

nah, Sexy Leggs, not asking her out….just thought it was quite interesting, to say the least….and she had that thang about her….just made me think of all the stuff you’re always talking about….

By SexyCool...since 1972

October 29, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this

women usually start in with the perks before even qualifying the man….…and there you have the root of all problems…LOL…

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 11:09 AM | Link to this

Relationships are hard to define. There’s no mistaking that. This is what I received in the cafe this morning. A guy came up to me asking how my “onion” was doing. I told him to get away from me. This is the guy who licks the air when I walk by. He said he would love to sample it. I said “that’s what’s wrong with you so-called men today. I’m not looking for a casual sexual relationship w/a married man. He said’t that’s all he’s looking for. Told him if he says one more thing to me out of the ordinary, HR will be notified. I say this to say that it’s not only women who want a title placed on their relationship. Men want it too. Unfortunately, for most it’s one of “tapping it and dipping.” His intentions were clearly made.

By Foots

October 29, 2007 11:10 AM | Link to this

do you have friends who end up in relationships that are difficult to define?

One of my girls was dating this guy for over a year. We couldn’t stand him, but for some reason she kept him around. She had decided early on that she didn’t want a full-blown relationship with him, he was really the rebound from a break-up that hurt her deeply. He had been claiming her as his girl since nearly the beginning and she always said he was her friend. Things came to a head when he started demanding a title and she broke it off and didn’t even look back.

I’m trying to figure out why dude hung in there for so long. It clearly bothered him that she’d never advanced their relationship, even though she wasn’t seeing other people. I’ve known her for years and it NEVER takes her more than two months to progress from dating to relationship, if that’s what they both want. I guess he was holding out for a miracle, huh?

By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert

October 29, 2007 11:12 AM | Link to this

I have a question(s)…I guess I am speaking for a different place.

But why is it you feel the “relationship” has to even have a label?

I mean I have been in the situation where binford was and frankly like I said maybe I am in a different frame of mind at the ripe young age of 35 or it could be I am commitment phobic. But I can see why binford bounced. He said he was seeing only her.. everything was fine and then she said either I am the one or I am out. So he called her bluff. Now he is the bad guy. I didnt read anything about him keeping options open or he was seeing anyone else.. just that he was not ready to settle down with the title of Boyfriend with this young lady.

By Foots

October 29, 2007 11:14 AM | Link to this

melo Hey there!!! Speaking of titles, how are you and your wife doing? Gots to check in on the married folks every now and then….

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 11:17 AM | Link to this

like i said before the only game women have on men is the sex card..take that out the picture..and BAM, you can have any women you want…and i stand on that comment

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 11:24 AM | Link to this

@kym..cosign, that is what i read..basically she was like you going to let all this go away..like a dayum crazy women..

By Annuts1bmun

October 29, 2007 11:24 AM | Link to this

Rell/Sexy Cool ^5

Perfect Example: The other day some of the women started describing themselves on the blog. Some were so eager to give measurements, physical descritions, sexual undertones, etc..while the men sat in the cut not giving their descriptions. Finally, one or two of the men offered general vague descriptions themselves after they were pricked to respond.

My point is…learn to sit back and wait sometimes don’t come out of the pocket,so fast. Marinate on the situation. Plan your next move before you show your hand. Stop falling for the emotion/passion of the situation before you have a chance to look at all of the angles.

Just my POV.

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 11:25 AM | Link to this

2C, and she had that thang about her…. There are a lot of cougars out there feeling good about themselves the same way I feel about ME! If I don’t believe in me and my own sexual/sensual/confidence aura, how the heck can I project to others. I believe in ME!

By mochatreat07

October 29, 2007 11:28 AM | Link to this

* Hey QC, Slim, Foots and Dr, Kym*

Just dropping by to say hello! How is everyone?

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 11:28 AM | Link to this

a guy from ATL told me awhile ago that a man knows after two months what he wants to do with the female he is seeing. that’s where i got my two month rule from. my relationship that just ended in July lasted a wopping 18 dayum months.

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 11:29 AM | Link to this

@sexyleggs….dude is a dayum perv..licking the air..where are his handlers..that nut needs to be off the streets with that simp ish….smdh…lames fluck da game up

By SlimOne

October 29, 2007 11:30 AM | Link to this

Haven’t read any of the posts, been busy but was just chatting with a male buddy.

I’m starting to think men are scared of a women falling (in love) with them. Wreaks of too much emotional responsibility on their part I guess. His response: thats because if u are not in love with them u basically are playing a game involuntarily

Sounds like a game of rush and roulette….trying to maintain getting the puddy as many times as possible before finally reaching that one on the chamber. LOL!

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 11:31 AM | Link to this

I think that dating is exactly what it is but at a certain point you have to have a meeting of the minds or it causes confusion, now Im not one for rushing into anything and if you come at me talking about titles after a week then yeah I will run away but at some point for me we have to determine what it is or going to be because just like he has options I do as well and I think when a person matures well some of us..if you don’t define your realm of relationships you open yourself up for problems, trust issues and the like when you never had a meeting of the minds.

Dating is cool yeah but once we are playing the in a relationship game then we have to determine is this what it is or isn’t. Otherwise you get drama. Some people enjoy self inflicted pain personaly I have too much to lose and too much shyt to do to be playing these childish a* games at my age…

Then you find yourself stuck for a nunber of yrs in some shyt you could have fig out was going to be stagnate if you communicated about it and not been a jump off for so many years…then turn around and cry about it when you are a willing participant in the madness and wanna label all men as this and that..this goes for men and women..puhlease…

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 11:32 AM | Link to this

@annuts….cosign…most women jump in the pool because the water looks good..but after the jump they complain of the temp..feel me

By B

October 29, 2007 11:34 AM | Link to this

Question for the women:

At what point in your mind does it crossover from dating to a defined relationship? Whether it be a length of time, amount of time spent together, or things like when you begin sleeping together. Just kind of curious, Thanks

By Staceye

October 29, 2007 11:36 AM | Link to this

Rell I met a lot of lames at a Halloween party on Saturday.LOL and some of them just don’t get it…I am not interested!!!

By Foots

October 29, 2007 11:36 AM | Link to this

Kym When I applied for this job, I knew the title and I knew that this job would be a promotion by the title. The title gave me the information about how I was going to proceed before I knew anything else about the job. Imagine how confusing things would be if we all worked at a place with no official titles explaining who did what, just a good working relationship… My title tells the world who I am with this company before I even open my mouth to explain what I do.

In the same vein, our titles in romantic relationships tell the world who we are to each other without having to explain a thing. The only time there seems to be an issue with giving something a title or a name is when there’s some uncertainty about what you want it to be. If everybody knows what they want and what they share, no problem!

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 11:38 AM | Link to this

Beautiful and whos fault is it it..you blamming the guy for your own actions?? it lasted 18 months becasue?? you both participated.

ANNUTS^^

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 11:38 AM | Link to this

Annuts1bmun, sexual undertones is what this blog turns into every single day. The men were waiting in the cut because they found the topic BORING!

By For Real

October 29, 2007 11:40 AM | Link to this

Here we go again!!!! Why do yall tie soooo much to what’s in between your legs? It’s not the only one in the world. If yall stop acting as if the dude is the only one that’s getting *”perk” out of the sex, then you would not feel like someone took something you gave.* Oh and why do women tend to undervalue a man’s body but over value their own body?

Now for this relationship thang. Relationship means women want all the benefits of being a wife and controlling a dude.

Even if you are upfront with a chick, she will try to make the dude do what she wants. If the dude doesn’t cave to her plans, then she will hit you with an ultimatum as if that is going to work.

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 11:41 AM | Link to this

SlimOne, this is cute Sounds like a game of rush and roulette, but it’s “Russian Roulette.”

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 11:41 AM | Link to this

annuts, you see some of these gals waving their pannies around too, huh???? crazy ain’t it…..

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

men need to be upfront with there intentions..then we will not have this problem again..but i keep saying the same thing..most men are not strong enough to tell the truth..because they fear losing out on there sex card…that is the problem….i tell my folks all the time..let the chick know what it is from the door..hell she may be down but lying to her will only cause more problems..be a mack about your game and not a simp..

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

B when we communicate and define it…

By binford

October 29, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

AmazonRed, in all frankness no. I think she wanted to go there and to do that she wanted the title. I found that behavior to be immature.

But for the record, sex shouldn’t just be a perk for the guy. The way you wrote that it was like “hey, only men get pleasure and satisfaction out of sex”. I call BS on that. But yes, if a pregnancy was to occur, the woman would bear the clear majority of the consequences (i.e. give birth).

With most of my relationships, one day I just realized THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND and I slapped up the title on a billboard for all to see. I’ve always felt this was the most organic and natural way for it to happen. And no, it doesn’t take 6 months either.

Last thing: I would never, and I do mean NEVER introduce a lady to my family that I wasn’t serious with to the point I thought she could be Mrs. Binford. Anything less and it would be dirty pool as far as I’m concerned.

By Foots

October 29, 2007 11:45 AM | Link to this

B For me, it’s usually after some type of conversation initiated by him. In my longest term relationships, we knew that we were a couple within the first month. My thing is, if I have doubts in my mind about whether we are together, we ain’t really together.

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this

@staceye…lol, but i bet you liked the attention…lol…did you have fun at least..what party

By For Real

October 29, 2007 11:49 AM | Link to this

Foots You have to compare apples to apples. A job and a relationship are toooo different to compare.

Dr.Kym I agree with you. Women are not the only one that gets to choices. Men get to choose too. Man up and move on.

Beautiful Do you think he wasted his time on you for those 18 months?

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 11:51 AM | Link to this

Rell Some women/Men need to ask what those intentions are and take responsibility for your part in the madness…and not assume becasue he/she is busting your back out that hes your man or woman…..sex doens’t have anything to do with it…in my opinion…

people make things so difficult and its really very simple.

By kinderbabe

October 29, 2007 11:51 AM | Link to this

reading these comments gave me a break from all the articles i have to read for tonite’s class.:) as mike baisden says, i can see that “everything is everything” on the blog…lol.

i’m undecided about the titles thing. some people need it in order to feel secure about their relationship and what they’re “putting in” to it. i definitely understand that point of view. i also feel though that when it’s a real good situation, it’s not necessary to have a title b/c both parties know that it’s real. sometimes people push for titles to make them feel better about what they already know (whether it’s good or bad).

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 11:52 AM | Link to this

@for real….Oh and why do women tend to undervalue a man’s body but over value their own body?

cosign^^^^^

besides a man last name the most valuable thing we give women is our seed…

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 11:53 AM | Link to this

Jazzyone, i honestly played along with it, but i thought that was how it was down here. i did try to put a title on it, but he wasn’t trying to hear it (in a nice way). i blame my ignorance.

By For Real

October 29, 2007 11:54 AM | Link to this

Slim I agree with ole boy 100%. If I get any since that a chick will fall in love with me I run for the hills bc she will never understand why I don’t feel the same way.

Oh did you get out for Halloween?

By QC

October 29, 2007 11:55 AM | Link to this

Hey Mocha, Jazzy, 4 Real & WLB

Does anyone else pass out halloween candy it cute little bags to their co-workers besides me???? QC does this for Valentines Day & Christmas (gag gifts)

Hey Ga.Man i know you lurking!

By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert

October 29, 2007 11:55 AM | Link to this

In the same vein, our titles in romantic relationships tell the world who we are to each other without having to explain a thing. The only time there seems to be an issue with giving something a title or a name is when there’s some uncertainty about what you want it to be. If everybody knows what they want and what they share, no problem!

This my thinking on that..If I am with you and we are together..I dont need to define anything for the rest of the world. When I took my job and this title..I didnt need my employer to justify my role or title to the rest of the company. So in a relationship why do you need the title to justify it to the rest of the world?

Somewhere we lose the ideal of what the relationship really is and we become caught up in and this is my showpiece for the rest of the world. I know you may not have meant it that way but it reads more like this…

Hair -Check Nails-Check Career-Check Man-Check

I think it is like Rell said some people dont want to be a check box in your life.

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 11:56 AM | Link to this

2C, you’re co-signing with annuts is funny. You guys sling your dycks around here more than the WLB swing their panties. You guys are always going down that path. Most are having fun here, but don’t call the kettle black when your skettle is equally blackened!

By SlimOne

October 29, 2007 12:00 PM | Link to this

SexyLeggs I stand corrected….Slim now spins the barrel in efforts to kill herself

For Real Well I guess you are just being honest. I’m sure you all have had the discussion of knowing women tend to get more emotional after doing the do….which always leads back to why get involved sexually with a chick if you ‘don’t feel the same way’? Don’t they have chicks that you can pay for the non-emotional business transaction?

Nope didn’t make it to the Halloween party. Had a pitcher of margaritas with my cousin.

No Slim is not condoning prostitution

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 12:03 PM | Link to this

Beautiful This is the south not another planet. I honestly don’t undestand why you always say down here when the game here is like the game anywhere else…seriously I’ve lived in different states and countries and I dont’ find the game to be any different or maybe its just how i view it I don’t know…

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 12:04 PM | Link to this

@jazzy..cosign

note - stop loving expecting something in return…stop giving up the good to not seem bad…feel me…just because you do good deeds does not make you a good fit…BE YOURSELF….

By Annuts1bmun

October 29, 2007 12:04 PM | Link to this

SexyLeggs True it does get very sexual at times…and that is fine. But if it seems to be the only way some know how to communicate with the opposite sex that’s when the games begin. Flirting and all that is good…but if that that is your main mode of communication, you get what you put there. Just my POV.

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 12:05 PM | Link to this

Hey QC! Hope all is well ‘lil lady ;-)

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 12:09 PM | Link to this

For Real no because he trys to come back and rekindle things to this very day. i wont allow it, unless he wants what i want.

By SexyCool...since 1972

October 29, 2007 12:10 PM | Link to this

grown people should be able to talk about sex…it’s not a taboo topic…h3ll, it’s in too many places in society to be afraid to talk about it…

talk about it, embrace it, love it, have more of it…lol…

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 12:10 PM | Link to this

Sexy Leggs, when have I described myself on this blog???? so who is your post directed towards….what I did, was ask someone who knows what my physical description is, and in a sarcastic manner, at that……y’all ladies, and some of y’all dudes actually gave out your own vital statistics……that’s why I did that!

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 12:10 PM | Link to this

@annuts…chill homie, flirting is all good..and besides this is the internet…dont stick to much stock in what is said here…feel me…just have fun and keep it moving….and just because the convo has the sexual undertones..DOES NOT MEAN IT IS GOING DOWN..learn to trump the p card and you will see most of the flirting is just idle chatter..feel me

By FCM

October 29, 2007 12:10 PM | Link to this

Bella are you peeking in my diary again? Your columns seem to nail where I am at!

Just got out of a ‘relationship’…He labled it ‘g/f’ but I don’t date….he never took me out amongst friends/assoc…I thought we were friends ‘hanging out’because he seemed camped on the couch for a movie….just like tons of my other friends male or female!

By GA.Man AKA "Mr. Entertainment"

October 29, 2007 12:11 PM | Link to this

Hey QC

and for all of the GA fans…congrats

Dont worry The GATORS will be fine and trust we have had our share of WINS

Last two B-BALL titles and Football

By Skegee

October 29, 2007 12:12 PM | Link to this

LAWD! Hello all…long time no blog.

Straight to the point…my Pastor and 1st Lady hooked me up with a guy. He’s a teacher, he’s a minister, he likes to go out and talk on the phone, great sense of humor..blah, blah, blah.

Thing is he is TOTALLY not my type. No atraction. What. So. Ever…

I feel obligated to stay friendly with him because of the people that hooked us up but I honestly know it won’t be anything more than buddies.

I need strength!!!

By Annuts1bmun

October 29, 2007 12:12 PM | Link to this

SexyLeggs Let me help you out, girl you gotta recognize bait. That’s the set up to see who will bite. This helps them separate the easy/desperate, etc. from the rest of the pack.

It’s really not that complicated.

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 12:15 PM | Link to this

annuts, but if that that is your main mode of communication, you get what you put there. I wholeheartedly agree. Just wanted it known that both the MLB and the WLB is at fault, not just one!

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 12:15 PM | Link to this

Not all women get emotional after tossing em’ up….some are made for that and some aren’t pleasure can be just that pleasure with someone that you are attracted to..now I don’t get down easily but when I decide to I don’t want the cat to automatically assume I want to have his kids, get married and attach the handcuffs to his a*…I may just want to F**k his brains out and make his a* go home..seriously….

By melo

October 29, 2007 12:18 PM | Link to this

Foots, im good, even though i recognize ur C/B moves..lol

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 12:20 PM | Link to this

yeah, what Rell said….idle chatter…..

By Staceye

October 29, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this

For Real men are the horn dogs…woman can go without sex….so no one is undervaluing anything!

*Rell ..most men are not strong enough to tell the truth..because they fear losing out on there sex card…that is the problem That is the problem…men play games and lie and everything because they want the panties. But there are plenty of females out there that are ok with that. Why not find one fo them and cut the crap and games with the ones who seek more.

Oh and I went to Meet Market on Saturday.

QC I knew the gifts had to be gags coming form you! LOL

By Annuts1bmun

October 29, 2007 12:23 PM | Link to this

2C

After many years of spinning my wheels in draining, useless relationships, I had to define what I wanted and needed in a relationship. I discovered the main points I wanted and narrowed the negotitables(sp)that I would tolerate and I’m sticking to them. Granted it’s possible I may never find anyone who fits everything that I need or require and I am prepared to deal with being alone, it’s a possiblity. But I am truly OK with that too. I’m just not willing to settle for some broke down, piece of a relationship just to say “I’ve got a Man” Hello to the naw!!!

You only get different results when you do something different. I just usually set back in the cut and read…but felt like sharing little nuggets of knowledge today.

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 12:23 PM | Link to this

2C, I never said you described yourself. I was just commenting on your comment. Annuts, I already know it’s not complicated. I understand it’s bait. But what are you really catching….fake fish. I was merely making a comment you. If you think the vitals given here are all accurate by all the bloggers, you’re fooling yourself. I was merely defending a belief of mine! It’s all good.

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 12:25 PM | Link to this

Rell your 12:10 post is what I’m saying…thanks!

By Tazzee

October 29, 2007 12:27 PM | Link to this

morning folks!

been super busy lately and wanted to drop in and say HI!

Can’t comment on today’s topic because it’s been a long time since I really had a relationship that deserved a title. And honestly, unless the title is fiance, I can do without the rest.

Quick comment on something that was posted last week (or the week before)…Casanegra is a great book. I read it in 3 days and can’t wait for more. I think Blair is going to do a Walter Mosley with this character (Tennyson => Easy Rawlins).

have a great week folks!

By Dan

October 29, 2007 12:30 PM | Link to this

That’s the problem with committment, when one party doesn’t want to go as far as the other does…you have problems.

The important part in a relationship is communication. Take the time to say “I want this” or “I want that” before you get to getting what you want.

At least that’s what grandmama said

By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert

October 29, 2007 12:36 PM | Link to this

Hey Tazzee,

That was me with the Casanegra book. I wasnt to sure about it at first but towards the end he grew on me. So I have to give Blair props. How about those Steelers?? :-)

By QC

October 29, 2007 12:37 PM | Link to this

Staceye, yep i try to keep them simple but fun

Ga.Man Now that Ga/Fla game was great, but that NE game was sick, lol

By SlimOne

October 29, 2007 12:46 PM | Link to this

Skegee Will you be at TU’s homecoming this weekend? I’ll be there with a cup in hand. Woo hoo hoo!

By BennyB

October 29, 2007 12:47 PM | Link to this

Women excel at reading body languages. In presence of a man, they can tell a lot about him. They can tell if he likes them or not, if he wants to kiss them, if he wants their fruit……..Some men know consciously or unconsciously that women can almost read their minds and have learned to send confusing signals. They date many women at the same time; they are known to be very good with women because they intrigue them. Women in such relationships think that they give a lot and gain little, in reality just one woman gain everything because our society applauds monogamy. I can understand that it is heart breaking and somewhat draining for women but I have to acknowledge that young women like a man who intrigue them, who confuse them, a men who they feel can dump them at any time, a men who will make them feel like they won something at the end, a man who they feel they cannot have, a man who’s different (and send them mixed signals). With maturity, most women learn to love themselves in the first place and re-learn to trust their instincts that they ignored for very long. Seriously, you think that men don’t like to define relationships? Stop trying to find external explanations for everything, start taking responsibility by trusting your God given instincts.

On the other hand men cannot read a single sign from a woman (“hint idiots”). Men don’t like to be relegated into the friend zone but some men listened to their mothers one second too long and have decided to be different from their fathers and uncles. They have been raised to think that its class to date a single woman, they even accept to be treated badly by a woman, some even accepts to live in friend-zone. Those men have a phobia to be rejected; they try to convince women to like them, they dream to be upgraded to the love zone while those women claim them as just friends /too nice /loser /good on paper. Those men don’t even know how to choose a stable women who can appreciate their niceness; they prefer desperate cases where they are perceived as rescuers but in the end and with God’s help and maturity, some finally learn that women are good at reading body languages, that women can read men’s mind, that they can date many women at the same time and get away with it, that it’s ok to be like their fathers…….and the cycle continue

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 12:49 PM | Link to this

Sexy Leggs, of course, it’s all good, love…..and as you stated, half of what these folks puttin out here is straight bullshyt anyway; so again, that was my reason for asking someone who could actually give an accurate depiction, if such exists……

and annuts, I feel where you’re coming from too; I can’t say I was spinning my wheels, but what I was doing was hardly conducive to a healthy relationship; I said a few weeks back, sex is overrated to me; and I still feel that way. Now, it’s all about a compatible companion; I’m not looking for it, if it comes during my pursuit of happyness, then so be it, but fun is my main objective…..havin a good time, and enjoying my blessings….

By Got that?

October 29, 2007 12:52 PM | Link to this

Titles become less and less important the older you get. This can clearly be seen from the responses on this blog. Titles are only important because you don’t know what you’re about. So, you need a title to make up for the deficiency. Once you know who you are and what you’re about, you no longer need a title to make that declaration. You simply become that. As people mature, their dependency on outward titles becomes less and less as their lives take on more significance. It’s not a male/female thing. Nor does it have to do with the act of sex. It comes down to maturity. Mature people don’t fret over what to label something. They already know what it is and are comfortable being it, not referring to it as if it’s something outside of them.

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 1:07 PM | Link to this

@got that..cosign

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 1:08 PM | Link to this

Well said, Got That! of all the hats I wear, the most important one of all is Daddy! all the others are relative;

Even on the job (when I decide to have one), fugga title, just pay me accordingly…..shiiid, you can call me, that dude, for all I care.

By DuShawn

October 29, 2007 1:11 PM | Link to this

….when it’s a real good situation, it’s not necessary to have a title b/c both parties know that it’s real. That’s the way I see it too. I remember when I first started dating wifey. We never had a conversation about you’re my lady and I’m your man. It just kinda evolved to a point of seriousness and respect that we both knew it would be a violation to see other people. It was never verbalized, it was just understood. This can only work if all parties involved are extremely honest, trusting and secure with one another. However, it’s important to mention, if either party is playing or insincere, the ambiguous, non-communicative classification of the relationship will be used as a get of jail free card when caught misbehaving. Hence, the patented playa phrase “Just caused we f&cked a hundred times don’t mean I’m your man.” My recommendation to the ladies would be, if you’re unsure about the direction of the relationship, have a discussion to clearly spell out the parameters and assign the traditional titles accordingly. Then again, if you’re unsure about the direction of the relationship, should you even be in it?

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 1:12 PM | Link to this

@bennyb….thats in a nutshell is my point…COSIGN

They have been raised to think that its class to date a single woman, they even accept to be treated badly by a woman, some even accepts to live in friend-zone. Those men have a phobia to be rejected; they try to convince women to like them, they dream to be upgraded to the love zone while those women claim them as just friends /too nice /loser /good on paper. Those men don’t even know how to choose a stable women who can appreciate their niceness; they prefer desperate cases where they are perceived as rescuers

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 1:17 PM | Link to this

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. enough said.

By DasV (yea, its me)

October 29, 2007 1:19 PM | Link to this

@ Got That - - i got that. got it this morning at 9. just been lurkin, waitin for someone to hit on it. thank you

if you have to ask, then it proly aint what you would want it to be. and IMO you should have to ask. to me it just sounds like a lesson in semantics: are you taking an interest in me or do you just find me interesting?? huh?! puleeze. i am not defined by what you say we are.

it takes more than one conversation, more than 10 even before something should be defined and still someone in the relationship may not have the maturity to say so first. we hold back, our insecurities balloon our tongues forcing us to grunt and like the baffoons we are if we cant woman-up or man-up and state what we would like ‘us’ to be at the risk of getting shut down.

someone said it earlier:communication is the key, even if it means growing some……

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 1:21 PM | Link to this

LET THAT BENCH BREATH!!!!!!

classic - Jay z/nas..in the same song taking shots at each other…inspired by the american gangster movie….listen closely

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4KKphp8l4hU

note…prolly not work safe..so earmuffs are needed…now let that bench breath!!!!

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 1:23 PM | Link to this

2 Sex ain’t over rated you just aint doing it right…j/k LMAOFF

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 1:27 PM | Link to this

Then again, if you’re unsure about the direction of the relationship, should you even be in it?

THAT IS THE REASON FOR DEFINING THE RELATIONSHIP! you find out that he doesn’t want what you want and bounce. whether you like it or not DuShawn you agree with us. ;)

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 1:29 PM | Link to this

first you say if you have to talk about it then it isn’t what it is, then you say communication is key which is it…see thats why people walk around so dayum confused..LOL..

By Got that?

October 29, 2007 1:31 PM | Link to this

Das V, you’re welcome. I grow weary of all the sexists, male and female, remarks on this blog. It’s time that we all grow up, get over the hurt, and stop repeating the same tired arguments that get us nowhere other than the same mess in which we’re mired. Maybe the arguments get us nowhere because they aren’t relevant to relationships at all. Maybe there’s somewhere else to look that we’re not considering. Relationships don’t look the way TV/magazines/books say they should look. Trying to do it their way gives the situation we find ourselves in.

By Skegee

October 29, 2007 1:32 PM | Link to this

Hey SlimOne…I will be there! With a drink in my hand as well.

By kinderbabe

October 29, 2007 1:36 PM | Link to this

dushawn that was a good post. it really does come down to instinct and knowing if it’s right or not. often times, the title may be needed as proof that things are going in the right direction but like you said…if that’s needed, is this really a good situatioin? probably not.

By Rell - since 1972

October 29, 2007 1:38 PM | Link to this

@got that?…..COSIGN

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 1:38 PM | Link to this

Jazzy, I know you’re only kidding, but to me it is overrated…I don’t put too much emphasis on it, cause like I said before, it’s as natural as breathing to me; and if the urge hits, think I can’t get laid? Or any other half way decent looking cat?

what happens when/if impotence sets in? Then where will sex fit in on the food chain?

By kinderbabe

October 29, 2007 1:41 PM | Link to this

and i just thought about another thing…definition doesn’t make something what it is…it just “is.” for instance, if soup didn’t have the name “soup”, would it not be? the definition makes it easier to identify/classify that particular thing…but it doesn’t make it what it “is.” same goes for relationship. all of the components of whatever type of relationship it’s going to be are there. just b/c it is given a title it won’t morph into the type of relationship desired. you can’t name an apple, soup, and expect it to liquidate…lol. it is what it is. the name doesn’t make it. the substance does.

By SexyCool...born 3 days after Rell

October 29, 2007 1:46 PM | Link to this

yep…i’m confused by some of the over-intellectualizing of this very basic topic…

dammit…if i have a question about where the relationship is going, i’ll ask it…why dah3ll not?

now…if i ask a question and don’t get the answer that i’m looking for…then SexyCool has some decisions to make…

By DuShawn

October 29, 2007 1:46 PM | Link to this

Beautiful I haven’t read enough of the previous comments to determine who I agree with. My position, however, is that if a woman has to ask a man questions like “Where is our relationship going or What am I to you?” In her heart of hearts, she probably already knows the answers. My experience has taught me when its truly right, you don’t have to ask……you already know. When I look back on the women I’ve encountered, any chick that’s asked me, “where is our relationship going?”, didn’t go much further. Like my Big Mama used to say: “Sometimes what you don’t say, says it all.”

By Annuts1bmun

October 29, 2007 1:48 PM | Link to this

I know the difference between the ficticious(sp) the “REALNESS” and I understand idle chatter and entertainment…but for me what you see/read is what you get. I don’t have multiple personas going on, too confusing. Annuts conduct on the blog/internet is the same off the blog/internet. Maybe that’s just my mode.

I can have fun with the best of them but I am always true to myself.

By DasV (yea, its me)

October 29, 2007 1:53 PM | Link to this

if you have to ask, then it proly aint what you want it to be.

Got That yep, i cosign again with what you sayin… cause if i was acting out like any of those broads on grey’s, i would be a wavin-panties-in-air, whoring, confused slut that wasnt good for nothing but an evasive-never-defined-3am-callgirl. and if every relationship was like and i dont care what anybody says: joan on ‘girlfriends’ is one crazy nutt! but i love that show

By Rell - born 3 days b4 sexycool

October 29, 2007 1:56 PM | Link to this

@sexycool…yousa nut….lol..

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 2:00 PM | Link to this

..um some live in real life what they see on the boob toob..LOL…and TOS fam is as real as it gets not including ousted members..LMAOFF….seriously…

By DuShawn

October 29, 2007 2:05 PM | Link to this

kinderbabe “the name doesn’t make it. the substance does.”

Wow….that statement is truly scripture. Not only is it true gospel, but it sounds pimpin….lol. If I were still single, dating, immoral and manipulative, I would memorize that 1:41 verbatim. The next time a chick I was just knockin off started sweatin me to define our relationship; I would hit her with your words. When that dissertation permeates her cerebellum, it would result in at least six additional months of neckwork before the topic reared its ugly head again.

By "Longtime Lurker"

October 29, 2007 2:06 PM | Link to this

Afternoon folks…

I think with maturity comes patience and understanding!

Quick hits back in the day often times brought on added drama, so with that said, nowadays you might have a ‘probationary period’ with a suspect, until you feel comfortable to claim them as other than the person I am talking to!

When you apply titles to a dating situation, often times the expectations rise, which can cause issues within your potential relationship, because the other person feels that their is now a higher level of commitment and responsibilty to that person.

It is important to lay down the blueprint upfront ( esp. men ), that this is what I want, this is how I hope it will play out and this may expected outcome, if this situation plays out in a favorable fashion on your part!

I have always said treat dating like searching for a the best candidate to fill for a key position, within your company.

If you take your time and interview every possible qualified candidate, you will ultimately fill the position, with the best candidate!

Even after they get hired, they have a 90 day probationary period. Once they complete their prob. period, then they are considered a functional employee, with full benefits!

Run your relationship like a business!

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 2:10 PM | Link to this

Sorry for the delay in response. Been a busy day!

Rell, sex has to do with something because typically you’re doing EVERYTHING one does in a relationship. It looks like a relationship, sounds like a relationship, etc. But isn’t. Men say they can sex w/out feelings, but many chicks can’t. Men know this and still take advantage of the situation. That’s all I’m saying.

Foots, I LOVED your 11:36 am post. I think you can make comparisons between love and job. At the end of the day, it’s about clearly defining roles.

binford, I totally get what you are saying AND I’m not knocking you for it. I think that lady was smart to run for the hills. Even though it had been a month, I’m sure if we had checked in a year from now, you might have still been reluctant. That’s where I’m at now too, I’m ghost for anyone who doesn’t feel the same way I do. I’m proud of you BOTH for standing your ground.

And as for meeting the family…I FEEL THE SAME WAY, that is why I was so baffled to get in with the fam (when they came to visit, he brought them to MY crib to break bread and relax) for him to turn around and say that he wasn’t the relationship type.

By SexyCool...born 3 days after Rell

October 29, 2007 2:11 PM | Link to this

the sound bites are really cute to read, but come off it…we’re adults…asking questions is Communications 101…

it’s not about it being what i want…it’s about talking about what it IS…

now that’s not to say that you have to stress over a title…but you should be at least having a conversation that lets you know that you are at least reading from the same book even if you’re not on the same page…

i prefer to have a discussion about where a person is in a relationship…that way, i’m not projecting my fantasies/wants onto a situation that could lead me to be very far from reality…

By "Longtime Lurker"

October 29, 2007 2:15 PM | Link to this

Sorry for the typo’s, mult-taskin is somethin serious!

By SexyCool

October 29, 2007 2:15 PM | Link to this

yeah…um, that run your relationship like a business thing is real cute…until emotions get involved…

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 2:22 PM | Link to this

Sexycool ^5555555!

By Rell - born 3 days b4 sexycool

October 29, 2007 2:22 PM | Link to this

@sexycool…cosign..spoken from a wise one

By Foots

October 29, 2007 2:22 PM | Link to this

BennyB Seriously, you think that men don’t like to define relationships? Stop trying to find external explanations for everything, start taking responsibility by trusting your God given instincts.

This I agree with. I still feel like there is a problem with titles only if the people involved don’t know what they want or they want to keep their options open. EVERY relationship I have been in, that man let me know in no uncertain terms, that he wanted to be with me. We knew where we stood with each other.

But I know that folks have had different experiences. It’s never been that big of a deal to me to use titles. And I haven’t run into anyone yet who jumped from “Oh, this is just a girl I know” to “She’s my fiancee”.

Folks can call it what they want, shoot, we can make up a name for it for all I care. The point is, we are “something”, and usually the “something” has a name.

kinderbabe and i just thought about another thing…definition doesn’t make something what it is…it just “is.” for instance, if soup didn’t have the name “soup”, would it not be?

Good point! Sure, it would still be soup. I think the issue comes into play when you are trying to explain what soup is to someone else. By yourself, it’s cool, right? You know exactly what it is. But how would you explain it to another person and have them understand what it is if you didn’t call it “soup”? You could give explanations and descriptions all day long and they still might not guess what you are talking about. If you say “soup”, they know exactly what you mean, it’s simple, to the point, no other explanations necessary.

By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert

October 29, 2007 2:22 PM | Link to this

Kinder I agree with your statement. I also agree with what the person said about maturity. The way I think now was not the way I thought 10 years ago or even 2 years ago. Even adults have growing pains.

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 2:23 PM | Link to this

Annuts conduct on the blog/internet is the same off the blog/internet. Maybe that’s just my mode.* Not true at all, because off the blog/internet people known who you are. Just one mere point I thought I mentioned…LOL

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 2:24 PM | Link to this

“I think you can make comparisons between love and job.”……..

how, especially when you work in an “at-will” state! What, you can call it off with your SO without rhyme or reason? Also, when you leave “work” you leave it at the office; ain’t no days off in a relationship……like Melo said, those are apples to oranges.

By For Real

October 29, 2007 2:25 PM | Link to this

Why ask the question when 99% of the time it has already been answered in the beginning.

When a man starts a sentence with I don’t then you should pay attention.

2E’s Men can go without sex. Where do you think the term Dusty Dyck came from. Men just don’t volunteer to go sexless like women do.

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 2:25 PM | Link to this

I really don’t think titles come down to a question of security or insecurity or maturity or immaturity. It comes down to who you are at the core.

Many of us grew up seeing relationships that were undefined. I have many friends whose parents never married whether they were broke up or together. Some of em had “uncles” coming in and out the house, kicking it with moms. I grew up in a household were all roles were clear and defined. I tried to adapt to the ways of the dating world circa 2007 and had to realize it’s not for me.

I NEVER go anywhere without knowing where I’m going. I hate being lost. I’m great at maps, directions all that. It makes my life easier to know where I’m going and the fastest way to get there. I have never done well in “winging it” situations.

I thought I could handle “winging it” relationships and I can’t. It’s just not who I am and probably never will be. Even at 5 years old I remember being frustrated with my mom when she didn’t know where she was going.

Sad that it took all of my 20s to figure this out about myself! My 30s will not be riddled with the same mistake!

By "Longtime Lurker"

October 29, 2007 2:25 PM | Link to this

@SexyCool There is no place for emotions in business!

You gotta use your head and not ya heart! If you use your heart, you are going to loose everytime! If you use your head, you can minimize your mistakes!

Life is all about choices!

By kinderbabe

October 29, 2007 2:25 PM | Link to this

dushawn now, that’s wrong…lol. i use my thoughts for good not evil. leave it up to a man to take it and turn it around into something devilish.

By SlimOne

October 29, 2007 2:29 PM | Link to this

To be honest I think that women want to have sex or get just as curous about a particular guy just like guys are with women. However, if you do decide to have sex with the guy, it sort of sets the tone for how the rest of the courtship will go. So women tend to feel that waiting out on the sex will serve as a way to show the man that you want to be taken seriously and not just another notch on his bedpost. The fellas always get frustrated with women putting emphasis on sex but history has proven you all take us less seriously when we give it up like free samples at wal-mart. So just like Benny B was saying women get more intrigued with a guy that keeps them on their toes and gives the fear of losing….you all also secretly appreciate a chick that may hold out on the goods quicker then 48hrs. LOL

Slim was tempted all weekend. Boy i didnt know Bullet & Slongs Detox would be this hard

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 2:29 PM | Link to this

2C you sure can call a relationship off without rhyme or reason. Happens EVERYDAY. Doesn’t mean there aren’t consequenses.

A comparison is a comparision. Not all things in a comparision are the exact same. However, I felt Foots arguement was strong and I still feel that way.

By DuShawn

October 29, 2007 2:31 PM | Link to this

LL Our philosophies on this matter are similar. It’s your belief that one should “take your time and interview every possible qualified candidate, you will ultimately fill the position, with the best candidate!” However, I say hire them all. Then promote from within based on employees with superior skill sets. The crème de la crème will rise to the top and one will be appointed to give the head job….I mean get…..lol

By kinderbabe

October 29, 2007 2:33 PM | Link to this

foots i definitely see what you’re saying when it comes time to explaining to others what’s going on. that’s why i said the name just makes it more identifiable to others. don’t get me wrong, i’m all for giving something a name as long as it matches what’s going on…lol. like don’t say you’re my “husband” when you really act “single”…lol.

By Got that?

October 29, 2007 2:36 PM | Link to this

Foots, you asked, “I think the issue comes into play when you are trying to explain what soup is to someone else. By yourself, it’s cool, right? You know exactly what it is. But how would you explain it to another person and have them understand what it is if you didn’t call it “soup”?” The real question is, why is it necessary to have to explain to someone, outside the relationship, what’s going on inside the relationship? Can’t it simply be stated that we’re in a relationship, and leave it at that? Why is there a need to go into detail about the relationship itself, when it can’t be sufficiently expressed succinctly? Despite all the ways you go about trying to describe it, the other person is going to walk away with their interpretation of what you said, right or wrong. Why open Pandora’s box?

By DasV (yea, its me)

October 29, 2007 2:39 PM | Link to this

ARed i feel you on how emotions can get in the way from treating our relationships like a running a business. but i think LOng OnE’s point is before emotion gets involved to have approach in that way….

and along those lines:Long ONe i aint made atcha… LOL

and to go along with those plans you outlined (and i googled these, cause you know googling is against the rules here and if i dont state it, someone will accuse me of the obvious):

questions to ask before accepting the position advertised:

have i been offered a fair salary? and is it comparable to what others in my position are making? AKA is this going to benefit me emotionally, mentally and spiritually

does my potential boss seem like someone with whom i can have a good working relationship? AKA is potential mate emotionally, mentally, and spiritually stable?

do i know about my potential coworkers? AKA baby-mama and step-kids

will i be comfortable in this office environment? AKA does he own his own home, behind on mortgage and will have to soon downsize or living in an apartment, with no savings but has a bangin car.

is the corporate cluture in line with my own values, attitudes and goals? AKA can i deal with a little crazy? how much is his little ‘crazy’??

can i handle the commute to the job? AKA open for interpretation

By Foots

October 29, 2007 2:41 PM | Link to this

Kym No, I didn’t mean it like that. Sometimes it’s very simple. You don’t HAVE to define who you are to the rest of the world, it’s not mandatory. But if I meet a dude and I ask him if he has a girlfriend and he says “She’s not my girlfriend, we don’t quite have a definition for what we are, it just is what it is”, what I hear is “He has a girlfriend” and keep it moving. That’s just me though….

By BennyB

October 29, 2007 2:43 PM | Link to this

AmazonRed –

Men say they can sex w/out feelings, but many chicks can’t. Men know this and still take advantage of the situation

Women will accept gifts, dinners from a guy whom they will never date even if Jesus orders them to do so. So why a guy will back off to get puddy from a woman to whom we will never date even if Jesus orders him to do so (with a gun on his head)?

Foots Most men think that women think the same way they think, perhaps can change her mind as they do with other men if they present tangible evidences…..You know women don’t operate that way…. Men are only logical sided and lack any natural instinct outside of logical analysis. Well to be honest, the only God given male instinct wants you to unbutton your skirt, remove your pa…ies and……do you really want me to finish this?

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 2:43 PM | Link to this

DasV, you have me confused with another poster. I had no opposition to Longtime Lurker’s post. I agree.

By binford

October 29, 2007 2:44 PM | Link to this

AmazonRed, you are incorrect. If I was reluctant even two months later - that would have been a signal. I have no trouble committing, I just don’t feel the need to rush. I may have seen her about 6-8 times in a month and she wanted to push the play instead of enjoying the ride. What was the rush?

Had she not done that, we may have dated longer.

By For Real

October 29, 2007 2:45 PM | Link to this

Sexycool I agree with you 100% You can’t compare a job to a relationship bc not one woman on this blog would accept a dude being the boss in the relationship like yall do your boss at work. Again Apples to Apples please if we are being logical.

Slim I disagree. For me, it’s all about character. You don’t have character your holding out on sex for 1 day or 6 months would not change my opinion of you.

Kinder I agree with you 100%.

Foots Why would you put that much energy and effort in explaining your business to someone else?

By DuShawn

October 29, 2007 2:46 PM | Link to this

Foots I agree with you. Typically, the motivation for bestowing relationship titles comes from external sources. More often than not, these sources are female, meddling, and man less.

By "Longtime Lurker"

October 29, 2007 2:48 PM | Link to this

@DuShawn I see where you are going with this, but you cannot hire every candidate, because you got to pay em and you got a budget in most cases!

Top candidates are gonna earn top salaries and earn the best benefits,so it’s kinda like holding out for the top rounder within your budget and watching your salary cap money!

Each of you are performing in certain positions, because you were the best candidate, for that position or you were the best candidate, at the salary offered!

I ain’t gonna hire no chick on looks alone, she’s gotta be a package and within my alloted budget!

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 2:49 PM | Link to this

Bin she was in a rush and that is a sure turn off…red flags in my opinion and desperate after 6 to 8 times of seeing someone….

By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert

October 29, 2007 2:50 PM | Link to this

I am trying to figure out in this whole relationship discussion today it comes back to Sex. I mean when I think relationship sex is not where all the emphasis is placed for me. I mean it plays apart a huge part. But if you use sex as a hostage hoping that will make the person (a) respect you more…(b) see you as wholesome and pure (c) want to commit faster. Then to quote my granny..You have another thought coming. Someone hinted at this earlier but in relationships it is not about what you can get. It is also about what you can give also.(Not just Sex)

By Staceye

October 29, 2007 2:53 PM | Link to this

Slim & Skeegee I have been to TU’s homecoming every years since I have been here…but I will not be going this year…I am headed to Jamaica a few days later. My girl TY is really trying to get me to come.

By Got that?

October 29, 2007 2:54 PM | Link to this

AmazonRed, you bring to the discussion an interesting and equally valid point. The problem is viewpoint. You have the viewpoint you have based on your life experience. You’re the only person that has, will ever have, or could ever have that viewpoint. Despite what we have been taught about the phenomenon called group think, every human has a unique viewpoint that no one else has access. Hence the fundamental problem in communication. How does one reconcile their own viewpoint with one that is foreign and can never be fully understood? One place to start may be to accept that no one’s viewpoint is right. They are all personal interpretations of a larger picture. It’s like if you blindfolded 100 people and they felt part of an elephant, not a one could tell you about the whole. They can only describe what they touched and it would most likely not be at all close to being on target. That’s the nature of viewpoints. All we see are slivers of our environment, colored by our past. It’s neither right nor wrong. It simply is what it is.

By Foots

October 29, 2007 2:56 PM | Link to this

DasV LOL!! ^5!! do i know about my potential coworkers? AKA baby-mama and step-kids That’s priceless!

Got That The real question is, why is it necessary to have to explain to someone, outside the relationship, what’s going on inside the relationship? Can’t it simply be stated that we’re in a relationship, and leave it at that?

Sure you can. You can certainly just call it a relationship. However, I don’t think that anyone who can say “I’m in a relationship” has a problem with calling the person they are in a relationship with (I’m speaking “relationship”, now, not dating, not friends, not FWB, not talking) their significant other or boy/girl friend. I guess you could just call them by their first name, but logically, roles are defined so that others know how to relate to you.

Where it comes into play in the outside world is a scenario like this:

Good-looking guy So, do you have a boyfriend?

Foots Well, uh… No, not really. I’m in a relationship…

GLG Isn’t that what I just asked you?

Foots Well, no, not really. He’s not my boyfriend, we don’t do titles, but we are in an exclusive relationship.

GLG Isn’t that what a boyfriend is?

Foots Um, YEAH!!! I GUESS SO!!!

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 2:57 PM | Link to this

binford, I stand corrected then. But as you are saying “what’s the rush,” she was saying “why so slow?” That lady knew what she wanted and was wasting NO time! LOL. Life is short.

You both were on opposite ends of what could be a very important issue. Again, I see no problem with either of you holding on to your stance.

By SlimOne

October 29, 2007 2:57 PM | Link to this

For Real meet me in the blog bar inventory room in 15 minutes. I want to show you just how much pent up….Character I have. Bring that bottle of Goose on your way in. ;-D

By "Longtime Lurker"

October 29, 2007 2:59 PM | Link to this

@DasV There is no such thing as before emotions get involved!

Your emotion is involved, from the time you accept to see that person or that person agrees to see you! You are automatically in “impress, practice correct behavior, I hope to see this person, etc.” mode!

There is nothing wrong with emotions being involved in relationships, but there is a problem with emotions controlling relationships!

I call it the 70/30 rule!

70 percent business and 30 percent emotional.

By For Real

October 29, 2007 3:00 PM | Link to this

DasV (yea, its me) Okay I see we are not going to be logical. See below:

questions to ask before accepting the position advertised:

have i been offered a fair salary? and is it comparable to what others in my position are making? AKA is this going to benefit me emotionally, mentally and spiritually AKA What job actually care about your emotional, mental, and spirituality? You were hired to lick stamps.

does my potential boss seem like someone with whom i can have a good working relationship? AKA is potential mate emotionally, mentally, and spiritually stable? AKA Since when do you have to like the people you work? I’m here to collect a check.

do i know about my potential coworkers? AKA baby-mama and step-kids AKA Now that’s silly you job doesn’t care if you got 3 kids by 4 baby-daddys. Yo azz just better be at work on time.

will i be comfortable in this office environment? AKA does he own his own home, behind on mortgage and will have to soon downsize or living in an apartment, with no savings but has a bangin car.AKA Your example is a financial one and doesn’t match the questions. But jobs lay people off all the time to meet their bottom line.

is the corporate cluture in line with my own values, attitudes and goals? AKA can i deal with a little crazy? how much is his little ‘crazy’?? AKA Corporate culture is about making money. If can’t make them money then you will not make cents to them.

can i handle the commute to the job? AKA open for interpretation AKA I will leave that one alone and go back to you licking stamps.

By SexyLeggs

October 29, 2007 3:01 PM | Link to this

Off-topic @Staceye, enjoy Jamaica. Relax, love yourself and have fun!

By BennyB

October 29, 2007 3:02 PM | Link to this

SlimOne, I know well that you will not remember this at the exact time you need to but if a man intrigue you,keeps you on your toes you should run as fast as you can, call your guy friend to console you or your ex or anything because if you don’t run with your legs, you will run your moans

By Foots

October 29, 2007 3:02 PM | Link to this

For Real That’s why I can say simply “He’s my man” and keep it moving. If something is undefined, it seems to bear more explanation than if it has a recognizable name. You can disagree. When Prince moved to calling himself that symbol, I still called him Prince. It was simpler than trying to describe that symbol.

Like I said, you can disagree, it’s just my opinion and it works for me.

By SlimOne

October 29, 2007 3:04 PM | Link to this

Staceye I actually haven’t been in years but everyone keeps bugging me about about going so I guess I’ll be out there….TEEEEE Uuuuu, YOU KNOW! hehehehe

By Got that?

October 29, 2007 3:06 PM | Link to this

Foots, I see your point. But when approached by others, can’t you also add that you’re no longer looking, not interested, etc? There’s a way to say something and then there’s a way to say something and get your point across. Most of us choose just to say something, not considering the fact of whether what we said communicated clearly to the listener.

By For Real

October 29, 2007 3:06 PM | Link to this

Foots She’s not my girlfriend You do a definite answer to what the two of you are. You are not his girlfriend. Which means he is not your boyfriend. How much clearer does it have to be????

Women when you hear one of these no, not, don’t, ain’t, what do they mean to you?

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 3:08 PM | Link to this

A but after just seeing someone 6 to 8 times you have no idea who they are so how could she say she wanted a relationship with him?? thats utterly rediculous that in itself tells you she had no idea what she wanted…just smeone without knowing who or even getting to know them…

By SexyCool

October 29, 2007 3:11 PM | Link to this

lurker…if i break down your broadstroked statement of treating relationships like a business…i would agree with you on ONE point…you can take SOME basic business principles and apply them to your decision making process when it comes to a relationship…

but true business success comes from being able to make the best decision for the business regardless of what emotion is involved…

with that in mind…i would suggest that some OTHER areas in your life would be well served to be treated in a businesslike manner…

for example…your personal finances, the way you manage your own career, the way you manage your household…and i could go on…

By Jazzyone

October 29, 2007 3:13 PM | Link to this

For real it means they just f**ing to me..LMAOFF!!!

By For Real

October 29, 2007 3:15 PM | Link to this

For Real now putting on his 1970’s goggles, his brown fish net muscle shirt, roller skating ebow pads, football sock (w/the green stripes), his white with the brown strip 70’s basketball shorts and his low top pro keds. To meet Slim in the stock room. While humming Diamond in back sunroof top digging the scene…

By kimmie

October 29, 2007 3:15 PM | Link to this

I agree with SexyCool, Foots - what’s wrong with communicating what your intentions are? Sometimes a title is called for in this society we live in, for lack of a better way. Where I have run into trouble is when I have made ASSUMPTIONS and not communicated what my feelings were. I have been in situations where everything seemed to be clicking, all in love and thangs and he seemed to be too. Then he gets scared and decides he is not READY for a committed relationship. He didn’t appear to be seeing anyone else because his every waking moment was with me and he seemed to be as into it as me. I ASSUMED things were getting serious, but dude is able to play the “I never said …” trump card. The “if you have to ask” card just does not work in those situations. Mind you, that was when I was younger, but we were not teenagers either. Yes, maturity has come into play now, but I have learned that there is a way to communicate your questions, concerns and desires without scaring someone off. Also, looking back, the dudes that were straight-up, non-game playing never had me confused. Whether it was what I wanted to hear or not, they let their intentions be known up front. They also let me know when they changed their minds. If they let me know they just wanted to hang out & have fun, no commitment, I did not always run for the hills because there were times that I was in the same place so it worked for both parties involved. But as many have said - COMMUNICATION is key. I never assume, been burned too much so I take responsibility for my feelings.

PS - Is it just me, or after a certain age the terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” seem a little juvenile? Unless this person is your spouse or fiance’, what’s wrong with introducing them by their name? If you are exclusively dating and sleeping with this person, you can agree on that among yourselves, can’t you? If you are exclusive and true to one another, it will be apparent to the world, won’t it? Or is that just ASSUMING too? I don’t know, I’m CONFUSED!!!:)

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 3:16 PM | Link to this

Jazzyone, good grief. Folks committ after a month of dating all the time! 6-8 dates is plenty of time to know if you want to see someone exclusively or not. I assume you would also be talking to this person on the phone on a regular basis as well.

Relationships are an evolving process. She wasn’t asking for marriage! She wasn’t even asking for love. She was saying “hey, I like what I see and I’m ready to explore the future with you and you only.” I don’t see why that is such a scary thing. If it turns out they weren’t compatable, you break up.

By "Longtime Lurker"

October 29, 2007 3:20 PM | Link to this

@SexyCool I am not sure if you were typing directly to me or typing diectly to the masses???

I practice what I preach, so your missive applies to what I am already doing/practicing!

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 3:25 PM | Link to this

Patriots, or Colts, next week? need to get my bets in to Vegas on time…..

By Dan

October 29, 2007 3:28 PM | Link to this

@ Kimmie

Don’t hate: Boyfriend/Girlfriend is cute.

I’m still sending the note…..

check yes/ check no

By SexyCool

October 29, 2007 3:30 PM | Link to this

the masses, sweetie…you already read like you’re doing everything right and need no direction whatsoever…

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 3:32 PM | Link to this

kimmie co-sign

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 3:33 PM | Link to this

Patriots all the way baby! Kicking arse and taking names! Yeah!

By For Real

October 29, 2007 3:33 PM | Link to this

A-Red She wasn’t asking for marriage! She wasn’t even asking for love. She was saying “hey, I like what I see and I’m ready to explore the future with you and you only.” I don’t see why that is such a scary thing.

So she wasn’t asking for marriage nor love then why would she be ready to explore the future exclusively with him?

So if a dude came at you that way you wouldn’t be scared that ole boy was crazy?

By kimmie

October 29, 2007 3:35 PM | Link to this

Dan - LOL!! You’re right, it is rather cute! I’m not hatin - I got a “boyfriend”! LOL

By SlimOne

October 29, 2007 3:36 PM | Link to this

When For Real gets to the inventory room, he shocked to see SlimOne covered from head to toe in yellow, green, & blue post it notes with different Titles on them. However, his eyes zoned in on one rather large Red post-it note right on the CT that read “Committed Monogamous Relationship”. Slim smiles at him and seductively tells him to pick one. For Real quickly pops the cap on the Goose doucing her in the eyes, karate chops her in the stomach and tries to make a run for it. However, his fishnet shirt snags on a nail in the frame of the door. Slim finally wipes her eyes clean standing over him. Magically the glue from the Red post-it note comes loose and slowly floats down landing on his forehead. Slims grimmacing look finally turns to joy and excitement as she runs throughout the blog bar yelling….He picked me! He picked me! I have a boyyyyfriend, I have a boyyyyfriend!

By binford

October 29, 2007 3:37 PM | Link to this

AmazonRed - she wanted a yummy piece of the BINFORDNATOR

6-8 dates was all it took. So be careful, I’m addictive!

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 3:38 PM | Link to this

For Real, I meant she wasn’t asking for marriage or love AFTER 6 DATES. Good grief some of y’all take things too literally. Clearly that is where she’d hope it lead as time progressed.

So no, I wouldn’t be scared old boy was crazy.

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 3:38 PM | Link to this

can’t go wrong either way, Amazon…..gotta point spread?

By Foots

October 29, 2007 3:39 PM | Link to this

For Real You do a definite answer to what the two of you are.

YEP! That’s all I’m saying. It IS definite one way or the other. You can call it what you want.

Got That? But when approached by others, can’t you also add that you’re no longer looking, not interested, etc?

Sure. It doesn’t have to work for everybody. And everybody has something that works great for them. But when I am in a relationship and I am approached by another guy whose intention is to get to know me, it is just as simple for me to say “I have a boyfriend”. Not much further explanation needed, most people can identify what that means without any explanation.

Although, some men will go into the whole “How long y’all been together? He won’t let you have friends?” spiel, but that’s another story…

By DasV (yea, its me)

October 29, 2007 3:40 PM | Link to this

ForReal my eyes are streaming tears of laughter at you and my ‘lick a stamp’ job application. that was funny

ARed sorry, chica…. that was for sexyCool.

LongONe you state that percentage as if it is a definitive amount. for me, it varies day to day, and no doubt for you. basically i am just advocating the need to have the basics well in mind before jumping in the arena. some decided things that are must be ‘found out’ before things to too far, too soon.

of course, it will take time to find out the details, but you can get a skeletal form of who the person is, what he’s working with and what his challenges are with just basic questions:

1.i am planning on attending my parents 25th. you ever been married

and for the record, flattery is not a verb that should be acted on

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 3:45 PM | Link to this

binford, I promise I’ll wait until the 12 date to profess my undying love and commitment, okay? LOL

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 3:48 PM | Link to this

Amazon, I guess you think the Celtics gon’ win it all, too, huh?

shoot, while ya BS’n Boston does have the sports world on lock right now……Boston College #2 in the country, Red Sox just swept the Rockies, Patriots on par to go undefeated, and the Celtics ain’t got no excuse not to at least make it to the Eastern Conff Finals……damn!

By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert

October 29, 2007 3:52 PM | Link to this

Okay if no one else will say it I will. If you are with a guy and all is going well..and after a few short minutes in his presence you are ready to have “the talk” then something reeks of desperartion. What is the rush? How about taking your time? Classic example and ladies we have all done this. You meet a guy, you date, you have sex, things are going well, you have sex again, and then you say he could be the one. You talk to your girl and rehash all his good parts(you think he can be the one), she is telling you all about how her and joe blow are happy and so you decide to have the talk. Then like the woman in binford’s case things blow up. You thought he was the one..he thought otherwise. Now he is loser #1 and you are hurt and broken. I need someone to tell me what is it with timetables and relationships because I have come to learn that they dont work. When it deals with emotions everyone does not move at the same pace..Man or Woman.

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 3:56 PM | Link to this

2C, I’m not a Celtics fan, my support for the Lakers does not waiver. LOL. But I do root for the Sox and the Pats. They both won championships when I lived up there and made boring New England life a little more fun. I don’t know if the Celtics will ever get it together. LOL.

I have no more love for BC since they left the Big East. I want them to go DOWN!

By Beautiful

October 29, 2007 4:01 PM | Link to this

Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert the person doesn’t want to waste time on nothing. the person has invested, let’s say three months, and is not getting a return.

bottom line, time wasted.

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 4:02 PM | Link to this

Dr. Kym, I’d rather be wounded after 6 dates then devistated after 18 months. The outcome is still the same - he and I were after different things.

My question, why NOT the rush? (and I don’t even ask for commitment after 6 dates). Why does everyone think they have all the time in the world? IF and I empasize IF you find someone you are really feeling, why all the hesitation about getting to know JUST that person so you don’t have other emotions and bodily fluids from other people getting in the way of the one you like the most?

By Foots

October 29, 2007 4:02 PM | Link to this

Kym I need someone to tell me what is it with timetables and relationships because I have come to learn that they dont work.

What are your experiences? How did things evolve for you when you found yourself in a relationship where you were both on the same page?

By binford

October 29, 2007 4:04 PM | Link to this

Kym, HIGH FIVE! I was thinking the same thing, but I didn’t want to use the “D” word.

Remember boys and girls, the smell of Desperation is pretty musky and drab :P

By Staceye

October 29, 2007 4:09 PM | Link to this

ARed I feel you on your 2:25 post!

Sexyleggs Thanks girl…I have not been out of the country since May…I’ve travele home and other places…but going to the Caribbean is the best. I willbe back in Puerto Rico 12/1-5 for my birthday.

Binford* The BINFORDNATOR….LMAO!

I may love the Patriots….but right now I ma HATIN’ big time on the Red Sox! BOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOO!

Sincerely,

A P*ssed Off Yankkee Fan

By kinderbabe

October 29, 2007 4:18 PM | Link to this

dr.kym i agree that the timetable thing doesn’t work b/c people do function differently. in cases where i rushed ahead and wanted a title, i know that it was b/c i didn’t feel entirely comfortable w/what i was investing w/o the title…and getting one was an attempt of making me feel more secure. i’ve learned that doesn’t work. a dog is a dog is a dog, whether i call it a cat or not…lol. so i’m saying all that to say, i understand where you’re coming from.

By DuShawn

October 29, 2007 4:20 PM | Link to this

This topic reminds of a story. When wifey and I were dating and had reached the point of seriousness I described earlier, where although not verbally communicated, we both knew it would be a violation of trust to see other people. A female from my past, who I once loved, but had not seen in years, reached out to me through a mutual friend. I contacted her, we went to lunch, and discussed old times. The passion was still there. After lunch, we go back to my crib, she’s sittin on my lap, reminiscing on how we used to get it down. All the while I’m thinking my lady, friend, potential wifey (whatever you want to call it, because we had no titles.) could ring the doorbell at any minute. I need to get this chick outta here. I knew I was violating, so I explained to her that I was seeing someone and we should leave. I enjoyed seeing her, but was torn because I was really starting to feel wifey. I agreed to meet my long lost lover later on that night. (FYI, this girl and I had known each other since the fifth grade, we were truly old dear friends). I go to her spot, chill for a while, then I had to make a run to pick up some trees from dread. She rides with me. While stopped at an intersection, guess who pulls up next to me….yeah Wifey and one of her friends. She motions for me to pull over. I step out. We go through the who is that? Me being me,I bring her over and calmly introduce them by the titles their parents bestowed upon them. The ones listed on their birth certificates….their names. Mind you, everybody involved is so hood. Wifey ask the girl to step out the car. She’s like; “I’m good right here.” Then she asked me to follow her to the gas station to put some gas and oil in her car or some unnecessary bullshyt. I obliged her. I told her I would see her later, got back in my truck and rode out with my old friend. She looks at me and asked: “DuShawn who was that?” I said that’s the friend I mentioned earlier. Her response was “She is much more to you than a friend.” The purpose of me sharing the story is that I found it ironic that although wifey and I had never verbalized the parameters of our relationship, it was obvious to strangers. My old friend, that had known me from childhood, in that brief and awkward moment observed how that encounter affected me, the respectful way I diffused that situation, and how I went out of my way to assist her. (all of which were out of character) Her title was obvious, although I tarnished it with a poor decision. I guess my point is even though it was unspoken, when it hurt my heart to see the disappointment on her face, I knew she had the title. I got her to forgive me and she ended up with a championship ring.

By BennyB

October 29, 2007 4:24 PM | Link to this

DasV - Have you ever applied for a Pay Pal account? Questions like - You ever been married? - Where do you live? - Homeowners insurance……are very inappropriate to ask.

My advise: Don’t ask those question if the guy work for a data broker or is a security analyst. He will run 100 mi/ hrs

Dr. Kym, Interresting when people don’t understand that relationships are about 3 things: Timing, timing and timing……..

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 4:26 PM | Link to this

wish the caveman days would come back……just grab a chic by her hair, and that was your woman!!!! damn a title….

amyone ever see that movie, “Clan of the Cavebear”?

By binford

October 29, 2007 4:27 PM | Link to this

A month isn’t really a long time.

You cross certain time thresholds when the investment in that person becomes greater and greater. You just shouldn’t have SO much invested in a month that you have to hand down a relationship ultimatum.

To me, it is akin to if someone said “I Love You” in just a month. While for some people that may work, I’m running out the door the other way and it has nothing to do with my commitment level. Love takes at least a few months (again, for me) and some shared experiences to acquire. And I’d prefer to wait a little while before meeting her parents as well.

That’s the problem these days: Too many people want too much too soon. Grow it slow and it shall LAST (if your lucky …like lottery lucky).

By melo

October 29, 2007 4:27 PM | Link to this

After how long do u ask the Qswhere is our relationship going? This maybe the source of the problem.Most women have a tendency to ask this untimely, hence the man will bounce. Let the man come into his own before u ak those dem qs. Every man needs time to assess if they are making the right move for a life long partner. Its not something u decide on just because the sex is off da chain!!

By For Real

October 29, 2007 4:32 PM | Link to this

Dr. Abby,

I am feeling a little conflicted, as you may or may not know I finally got to see Slim’s CT after all this time which her CT was all I imagined it to be and more. Kinda like the sun but not. Anywho, I was very aroused by Slim’s CT as you probably see how big.. cough, cough how big my cough, cough excuse me, ahem how big my letters are, but now she running around screaming that I am her boyfriend because I saw her CT. I think she is a little crazy which kinda turns me on and scares the hell out me at the sametime. Therein lies my confliction. Be Slim’s Boyfriend and get all the CT I want or lie to Slim and get all the crazy CT I want.

Signed Scared as Fugg & Aroused as Hellz

By Foots

October 29, 2007 4:34 PM | Link to this

kinderbabe in cases where i rushed ahead and wanted a title, i know that it was b/c i didn’t feel entirely comfortable w/what i was investing w/o the title…and getting one was an attempt of making me feel more secure.

Yep. That’s why I say that a man will let you know where you stand fairly quickly. You won’t have to rush for him to define a title. He’ll tell you without prompting if he’s found what he’s looking for.

In my own experiences, the man has been the one to say “I want us to be exclusive” or “I’m ready for a relationship with you” and we were a couple, if that’s what I wanted too. We spent time together, we liked it, we made it more official. If he didn’t make his intentions known to me, I assumed we were just friends or just dating.

Only one time did I think that a dude was desperate when he made his intentions known and that was my MySpace stalker who didn’t know me and was still trying to make me his girl. All of my other relationships, I just saw it as a man going for what he knew he wanted, not desperation.

By melo

October 29, 2007 4:35 PM | Link to this

Love ur story Du. As for me, i was aksed that qs the 1st day, as we were having sex, after dating for a couple of weeks. I said”yeah” we boy and girl, even tho i did not mean it coz i was still seeing other girls. My point is, a man can answer that qs any way they want, and if they still want to dip, they oblige. But once i figured that i wanted this girl for more than sex, i dropped the others. Labels dont make u the one.Asking for a title is an insecure move.

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 4:38 PM | Link to this

binford, all the more reason for that lady to exit your life when she did. Your thoughts are in now way wrong. But they were for her. It’s clear it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. You guys were working with some fundamental differences in opinion in that regard.

I would have never demanded a relationship after 6 dates. But that is also probably why I’ve been strung along for way to long as well.

Interesting though. My grandparents and parents have been married for 60 and 30 years respectively. Both marriages had very short courtships. They knew early on what they wanted, and for my grandfather (where it was love at first sight) he was going to stop at nothing to have my grandmother. But they don’t call guys desperate.

By Foots

October 29, 2007 4:39 PM | Link to this

melo How long after you met your wife did you know that she was the one?

Every man needs time to assess if they are making the right move for a life long partner.

Also, do some men equate “girlfriend” with “we are on our way down the aisle”? I thought that that was what “fiancee” meant…

By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert

October 29, 2007 4:41 PM | Link to this

Amazon I can understand that if after 18 months he said he is not a relationship person…well for those 18 months he was in a relationship. I can feel your pain and believe me I can relate and then some. But I guess..not to beat a dead horse..maturity comes.

Foots I am sitting here thinking most of the time when I pushed a timetable it backfired. When I put pressure on the man by saying where in the hell are we going with this..it usually meant no where fast. So in the past year or so I have come to appreciate the idea of going with the flow. Example, last year I became involved with a really great guy…he told me up front that this was just a hump and bump thing and I went along with it because at the time that worked for me. Well I started to enjoy his company more and when I realized that he was still in his frame of mind and I was somewhere else I told him and then gracefully stepped outside. I didnt feel any bitterness toward him because he was upfront(heck I talk with him from time to time) it was just that we were in two different places. Now maybe when I was 25 I might have felt bitter. But I cant ever say he was playing games because he showed me his hand up front.

By Rell - born 3 days b4 sexycool

October 29, 2007 4:43 PM | Link to this

note- if she is asking where this is going…then as a man you not on your job..that women should have been informed from day one her position on the team…..that is the problem…men are on some boo boo…let the chick know, stop loitering around the arse…free the women….ever women is not going to be cut for you!!!….the problem is again that sex rules..and most men have not learned to trump the p card…state your business player from day one…qualify the women…then move to the next stage…

By Rell - born 3 days b4 sexycool

October 29, 2007 4:43 PM | Link to this

note- if she is asking where this is going…then as a man you not on your job..that women should have been informed from day one her position on the team…..that is the problem…men are on some boo boo…let the chick know, stop loitering around the arse…free the women….ever women is not going to be cut for you!!!….the problem is again that sex rules..and most men have not learned to trump the p card…state your business player from day one…qualify the women…then move to the next stage…

By melo

October 29, 2007 4:45 PM | Link to this

And i agree with Kim.Once u decide to have sex, its ur decision, dont start putting a meter on the vagina, like u have to have him commit after hitting so many times! Thats why a lot of these females rush to ask qs. U would rather not have the sex in the 1st place because u spoil whats good simply becoz u gave azz. Get ur priorities right. Either u have sex and go with the flow(one way or the other) or just dont give it up.

By binford

October 29, 2007 4:46 PM | Link to this

Oh trust me, they do call guys desperate.

I know a few :P

By melo

October 29, 2007 4:48 PM | Link to this

Foots, i dont think u decide to be a girlfriend or boyfriend, just to be wasted.That thought is always at the back of ones mind. You girlfriend somebody who could be potentially the one.

By Foots

October 29, 2007 4:49 PM | Link to this

Amazon Both marriages had very short courtships. They knew early on what they wanted, and for my grandfather (where it was love at first sight) he was going to stop at nothing to have my grandmother. But they don’t call guys desperate.

They don’t call them desperate at all. They just “know what they want”. The old saying goes “A woman meets a man, then decides that she’s ready to settle down. But a man decides he’s ready to settle down, then he looks for a wife.” I think for the most part that it’s true. That’s why it doesn’t take some men long at all to figure out if she’s worth keeping around. He had to be already in that commitment mindset when she came along. IMO…If he ain’t trying to lock it down, he probably still out there playing around…

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 4:49 PM | Link to this

Du, I liked your story too. I’m glad it worked out in your favor. It could have gone very bad for you brotha. LOL

By DasV (yea, its me)

October 29, 2007 4:51 PM | Link to this

Benny if homeowners insurance, whether or not you have children and the like have mens running for the hills, then they proly have something to hide.

i feel you though. dont be too forward, and depending on his occupation, he just might take offense at some of the questions. i think information should be volunteered first; no one deserves the 3rd degree.

personally, i am hoping for dialogue, not a question/answer session. basically, i know me and where im at, i am looking to find out if the same is true with you (not you, you in the general sense)

By Foots

October 29, 2007 4:53 PM | Link to this

Rell Co-signing that!

Kym ^5 for you at recognizing that things had changed for you, but not for him, and keeping it moving as a result.

By DuShawn

October 29, 2007 4:55 PM | Link to this

“state your business player from day one…qualify the women…then move to the next stage…” Rell I agree with you for the most part. You should state your purpose early on, but not day one. Your words and timing have to be chosen carefully. If you tell a chick you don’t want a commited relationship and just want sex until you tire of her company, on the first date, typically there won’t be a second.

By 2CPTG©

October 29, 2007 4:56 PM | Link to this

If you’re single, how do you know what a successful relationship entils???

akin to a broke dude trynna tell you how to get money…..Du, reminds me of sum’in Plies said, “the streets judge you on what you got, not what you had!”

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 4:56 PM | Link to this

Foots, exactly! Actually, my grandmother already HAD a fiance. And my grandfather was a notorius “playa.” He took one look at her and decided he was going to have her. So after he chased off her fiance and signed over his paychecks, she started to come around.

They have the cutest love story. I wish I could say you still hear stuff like that…but I don’t. A couple of my friends decided to wife the baby mama. LOL

By melo

October 29, 2007 4:57 PM | Link to this

Foots, sorry i did not answer fully..i cannot quite remember. But as we spend more time and she got to know my cousins, brothers etc and me like wise with her people, i gradually began to realize each other’s necessity in the equation. I honestly cannot rememeber.And i never officially put her in the fiance bracket. It just happened!!

By Foots

October 29, 2007 4:58 PM | Link to this

melo You girlfriend somebody who could be potentially the one.

Then there’s the disconnect. If you find someone who believes that boyfriend/girlfriend titles are akin to saying “You’re the one”, that person would be less likely to use those titles because it means something deeper to them. Folks who believe that boyfriend/girlfriend titles are akin to saying “I’d like to keep getting to know you without outside interference from other people trying to date us”, they would be quicker to use them, because they know that if it doesn’t work, they can just break up.

By DuShawn

October 29, 2007 5:00 PM | Link to this

Women live to love, Men love to live

By AmazonRed

October 29, 2007 5:03 PM | Link to this

Foots, I always enjoy reading your responses, but you were particularly on point today. Kudos to you!

G’nite all!