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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2007 > September
September 2007
Friends don’t let friends block
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My buddy Leo is frustrated with the dating scene and according to him, women are clueless when it comes to dating. He tells me that women his age (21-25 years old) place way too much emphasis on their friend’s perceptions and approval.
If a guy doesn’t impress the woman’s group of friends, he stands little chance of being taken seriously. Leo said that women let their friends negatively influence their opinion about men, and they don’t even realize it.
He wants to know why do women take dating advice from other women?
Do you think that women have friends that purposely block their chances with dates?
Do guys ever block chances on their friends? Have you ever found that one of your boys purposely sabotaged things with a potential date out of competition?
Have any of you tried to make a move on someone and their friend’s behavior impeded your progress?
Permalink | Comments (160) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Trivial Pursuit
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am going to keep today’s topic really simple folks. Let’s jump right in, shall we?
Single guy behavior: one week you are Mr. Romance and the very next week you are Mr. Rude. You go from hot and heavy pursuit to cold and distant stranger.
Question: umm, why? What should a woman do when a guy completely flips the script in a very short time. React? Don’t react? Confront?
Oh ladies, you won’t get off easy today.
Single girl behavior: You have your all-star line up, right? The bench warmers, the potential stars, and that elusive 1st round draft superstar. You want to get the superstar’s attention so you intentionally throw bench warmers in the mix so that superstar knows he’s not the only game in town. Playing the “green card” and attempting to make a guy jealous can really backfire, but you risk it anyway.
Ladies, why do you do this? Does it ever work? I am curious to know if letting a guy know that other men want you - has ever made your target step up and lock you down?
How should men handle it when a woman tries to make him jealous? Does he drop her fast? Step up his pursuit?
If you are in a relationship, do you ever try to “remind” your partner that someone is interested in you? Do you let other people pursue you just to shake things up in your relationship?
Alright, let’s discuss!
Permalink | Comments (152) | Categories: Dating
Oh, no she didn’t!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A couple of months ago, I met my friend Neil’s new “lady friend” - the guy is 28 years old and insists on using old school terms like that. Neil told me that he thought this one would last longer than his usual flings, so I was looking forward to meeting her. A few of us made plans to meet up for dinner.
Neil’s woman seemed really nice - at first, but at some point in the evening she managed to insult Neil in front of everybody. It wasn’t a pleasant situation and we all felt kind of awkward watching that whole conversation unfold. Why did she choose that moment to address a problem she had with her man? Neil is a very private guy, not to mention he has a lot of pride. She had to know that wouldn’t go over well with him.
Guys, have you ever dated someone that gave you a hard time in public? Perhaps she was argumentative, stand-offish, or generally unpleasant at the precise moment when you two were in a social setting? How did you handle it?
Ladies, have you ever been mad at your guy and found yourself purposely picking a fight in public? If you two are in some social setting, and you have an opposing opinion with your date or man, what do you do?
I have always thought that it is a big no no to embarrass your date publicly. Whatever issues or gripes you have, it’s best to handle it privately, behind closed doors. In the best of situations, you try to communicate with your date or partner, but what happens when things get ugly in public?
Permalink | Comments (207) | Categories: Dating
Third Date Rule
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am not a fan of dating rules. I don’t like them because I think they can be misleading and to be honest, a lot of us aren’t smart enough to use them “correctly” in the first place. I think dating rules actually prevent single people from establishing a real connection with each other.
There is one dating rule that has always baffled me: the third date rule. I have never really had a guy verbally express his desire to seal the deal by the third date. I didn’t even think that rule really existed in real life. To me, it was like a dating urban legend or something!
If you ask most single women, they would probably say that the biggest challenge and source of stress in dating is centered around sex. When to do it, when not to do it, how to handle it when it finally happens, or how to tell him that it won’t happen. Yes guys, sometimes it really is on her mind that much, especially if she really likes you.
In our modern dating model, does the three date rule actually exist? Do single people expect the third date to mean something when it comes to determining the potential for a relationship?
What do you think two people should know about each other by date three? Should it still be mysterious and exciting or do you think the important questions should be asked by then?
How do you determine the important things about a person’s character after three dates?
Do you think there are any unwritten dating rules that we simply don’t talk about? If so, what are they, and why do we avoid expressing them?
Permalink | Comments (173) | Categories: Dating
Does dating make you fat?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
ROOM at Twelve, Spice, Two Urban Licks, Trois. Any of these ring a bell? No, it’s not a checklist for a naughty rendezvous. These are just a few of the fabulous places to dine in Atlanta.
When you are single and dating, some of your socializing can take place in restaurants, at parties, or clubs that involve the consumption of food and alcohol. If you are one that tries to maintain some semblance of a healthy lifestyle, dating someone who, well isn’t, can be really tough.
My friend Christa has been dating Spencer for a few weeks, and she already realizes how horrible his eating habits are. What’s worse is, he tries to get her to partake of his bad eating habits all the time.
My friend Dennis said that he gained 12 lbs in the last year since his relationship with Lena first began. She recently mentioned the extra weight gain to him, and he somewhat blamed it on their relationship. When he was unattached, he played basketball on the weekends, went to the gym, and was a lot more active. Nowadays, the only time he breaks a sweat is when, well.. I stopped him before he could actually tell me that information!
Do you think dating and/or being in a relationship makes you gain weight faster than when you are unattached?
Have you ever been involved with someone who had horrible eating habits?
Do you have horrible eating habits, yet you are dating someone who eats healthy and lives in the gym? How can you make it work? Do you adopt their way of eating/exercise or stick to what you do and hope it doesn’t become a problem?
If you are vegan, vegetarian, or somewhat health conscious, are there places in Atlanta that you can go that caters to you?
Where do all the healthy, active, and physically fit single people mix and mingle?
Permalink | Comments (122) | Categories: Dating
What’s your sign?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I think it’s funny that, growing up in the ’80s, I used to see people in the movies all the time asking people “What’s your sign?” as a pickup line. If someone asked me that now, I would probably laugh, uncontrollably, until I started tearing up.
But just for fun, I looked up my “Love & Relationships” monthly horoscope on Yahoo, and this is what it said:
So everything isn’t exactly the way you’d like it, romance-wise, by the 1st of the month. Instead of thrills, chills and excitement, it’s get up, go to work, deal with coworkers, come home, eat, watch TV and go to bed. Well, buck up! Just because the first two days of the month are a little bit slow doesn’t mean things won’t pick up soon! By the 3rd and 4th, you’re busier — and no longer bored. This sets the stage for a bit of luck — and a lot of potential romance — on the 8th, when you meet a very intriguing new someone. By the 13th, even if the romance part of this new friendship is still getting off the ground, you get a few well-timed reminders that your friends think you’re the cat’s pajamas. On the 16th, you want to be alone. By the 17th and 18th, you’re a walking romance magnet: Your confidence alone is enough to bring the potential partners to you, and when paired with your good looks, you’re irresistible! On the 23rd, you’re ready to talk about your romantic feelings with someone, while the 26th and 27th are filled with kisses. On the 30th, wrap up the month with some more philosophizing — it’s the best way to spend the time between smooches.
Granted, horoscopes are always vague so that you can tailor them to fit your own life. But it was so funny how this one seemed to fit this month!
Have you ever let a horoscope prompt you to be braver, relationally, than you normally are? Maybe you asked someone out or walked up to someone you wouldn’t normally have because of shyness.
Today is your chance to create your own destiny! If you could write your own relationship/dating horoscope for the next month, what would it say? You can give us the full rundown, as seen above, or you can just give us the highlights. And be honest! What needs to happen next month in your dating life?
Permalink | Comments (111) | Categories: Dating
Seasons of love
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I’m delighted at the chill in the air lately, because I know it means fall is coming! Of course, the inherent beauty of the leaves changing and the relaxed highs are enough to lift my spirits after dog-hot summers in Georgia, but autumn means a little bit more to me. For me, those leaves falling softly to the ground are representative of men to come. Because when it comes to love, fall is my best recruiting season.
I’m not sure if it’s because for 22 years fall meant the beginning of school and therefore the introduction to hundreds of more potentials in the dating pool. Or maybe it’s because I’m giving off some sort of natural positive glow in the fall. Whatever the case, I tend to either meet new people or cultivate existing relationships and am usually contemplating some sort of relationship by November.
What’s your best season for discovering potential love interests? Maybe it’s summer because you get to show off your body in public a little more. Or maybe the dead of winter is perfect to snuggle up with a new friend and a cup of hot chocolate in front of a fire. When do you think you shine the most?
Do you find your dating life goes in cycles? Do you have seasons that go better than others?
What does the coming of autumn usually mean for your dating life? What will it mean this year?
Permalink | Comments (149) | Categories: Dating
Third (or fourth or fifth) time’s a charm?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
For all of you “The Office” viewers out there, you know the time has come. Season 3 is now available on DVD.
Which means, of course, I’ve been dashing home each night so that I can cram in as many episodes as possible in order to review the whole season, plus bonus materials, by the end of the week. (I would point out here that this seems like it should be a sad reflection on my love life, but everything’s actually going very well right now!)
In episode 2, our hero Jim tells his old boss Michael that he actually left the branch because of Pam (our heroine). “I transferred because of Pam…It’s just, I kinda put it all on the line, twice, actually. And she said no…twice.”
It struck me that this is a very common theme in literature, movies and TV series—the idea of the extended pursuit after initial rejection. And I’ve seen it quite a bit in real life, too. I’ve seen multiple guys attempt to win a woman’s heart after the first rejection or two (sometimes a year earlier!). The difference is, I don’t remember ever seeing this work in real life!
Have you ever stayed in the game to win someone after they initially rejected you? (This could be applicable to a meet-and-greet situation, or it could be about a relationship over a period of time.) Have you ever been rejected more than one time by someone who eventually gave in? Is there a certain point at which you should give up the chase?
Guys, most of the time it’s men depicted in these types of situations. Are women just as likely to hang in there after losing the first time?
Have you ever fallen in love with someone you initially rejected? What had to happen for your heart to change about the situation?
Permalink | Comments (169) | Categories: Dating
Just a date, please
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
When my parents were dating in high school, they weren’t exclusive unless there was a letterman’s jacket around my mom’s shoulders or my father’s class ring on her finger. Otherwise, they were just casually dating. If my father stopped calling my mother, she assumed they weren’t exclusive anymore and would date others.
But it has become obvious in today’s dating culture that most people tend to date exclusively. Or at least, it feels that way to me lately. It seems that every guy I meet wants to start a “relationship,” not go on a few dates to find out more about me.
Now hear me out; I’m not knocking people who have very serious intentions and have possibly scoped someone out for months or years in the “friend zone”; There are obviously situations like these in which a “date” would automatically be more serious because of the relational history. And once you’ve been dating someone for awhile, you should definitely decide whether it’s time to fish or cut bait.
And I’m not advocating dating for the sake of dating. If you already have five women in your rotation, I probably don’t want to be the sixth. But sometimes you’re truly interested in more than one person at once, and you need time to narrow down your choices. That, I can understand. I think it’s possible to date multiple people and not be a player. We’re all adults here. As long as you’re honest with the ladies or men you’re seeing by telling them that you’re keeping your options open, I don’t see any problem.
So can’t I just go out and have a nice evening with someone without it being assumed that I’m going to immediately pledge my love for that person?
Do you tend to date more casually or more seriously? If you’re a more exclusive dater, has it ever been OK for someone you’re dating to be narrowing down other candidates? If you’re a more casual dater, have you ever met an exclusive dater who prompted you to change your ways to be with him or her?
Do you think if everyone dated casually we would stop putting unnecessary emphasis on relationships that weren’t meant to last or even blossom in the first place? What about if everyone dated seriously? Would we take greater care in choosing who we go out with?
Permalink | Comments (38) | Categories: Dating
Monday blues
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Good morning everyone! How was everyone’s weekend? No formal topic this morning due to the late post, but the blog is up for commenting. Anyone do anything out of the ordinary this weekend?
Permalink | Comments (177) | Categories: Relationships
Takes one to know one?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I went through this weird phase when I was dating all these guys who had crazy ex-girlfriends. These ex-girlfriends were real nutcakes (Edit: Nowak reference removed).
It took me a while to figure out that I was attracting men who were into real drama queens and women who were a mess, because that is exactly what I was - full of drama and neurotic as they come. Talk about a bad wake up call!
So when I meet guys who lament about their last girlfriend or ex-wife, calling them psycho or crazy exes, I have to take pause and really listen to what they are saying.
I know there are instances where the women from their past were actually loopy, reality-challenged, and slightly delusional. However, there are key things that let me know if the guy was the catalyst and/or magnet to the crazy women. Perhaps he’s a tad nuts too or maybe, just maybe, they weren’t crazy at all. Maybe he treated her poorly, or worse, was crazy himself - or BOTH. Yikes
I don’t like drama anymore so I hope that I am attracting nice sane guys, someone who reflects me now. The guy I met on the plane - “EC” told me that he has an ex-girlfriend that is having trouble handling their break up. A breakup from 2 years ago. I was thinking to myself: “Oh really? That’s like 24 months ago and she’s still wigging out? Hmm.”
See this is why you don’t bring up ex-girlfriends or boyfriends when you first meet someone. I sort of wonder if this EC guy has a crazy ex because he IS a crazy ex. Only time will tell, so we shall see.
How do you handle crazy exes of the people you are dating? Do you ignore the issue until they go away? Or get properly medicated - which ever comes first
Do you put the potential romantic interest on ice until you are comfortable exploring things with them?
Have you ever had an ex that didn’t handle your break up well? What did you to do make sure they didn’t sabotage your potential romance with someone else?
Do you think that someone with a little drama with their crazy ex (or exes!) is like some kind of red flag or warning sign? Do you wonder what they are doing or did to have a crazy ex in the first place? What about the whole “takes one to know one” theory - crazy attracting crazy? What has been your experience?
Permalink | Comments (139) | Categories: Dating
Love and Monogamy - Need better PR?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Question: Do you think love and monogamy should hire a public relations team? Seriously! Cheating and non-monogamy seem to garner a lot of attention lately. Apparently, they have street teams, PR agents, publicists, hype people working over time. Before you answer the PR question, let me point out a few things:
Exhibit A: Gotta go, gotta leave!
A couple of months ago, a Chicago Law Firm sponsored an ad for a bulletin board that caused quite a controversy. The billboard featured two scantily clad bodies, one male and one female, with the caption “Life’s short, get a Divorce.” Wow! They make it sound so EASY. Of course, the firm specializes in divorces.
Exhibit B: Unforgivable indeed
Sean “Diddy” Combs recently unveiled a new fragrance called “Unforgivable” and his latest commercial has been deemed too racy…by MTV. I know, ironic, considering the source right? The entire Unforgivable ad campaign is centered around cheating, swinging, and general “unforgivable acts” that may or may not be offensive to the general public. Not to be facetious or anything, but, do you really want to SMELL like you have been doing unforgivable acts? I’m just sayin’, ew?
Exhibit C: I’ll marry after I party.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, American Community Survey 2006, the number of people marrying in their 20s declined from 2000-2006. But guess what, shacking up is all the rage!
The aforementioned items impact the dating scene in so many ways, I can’t even count. Too many to mention in one post, so I will toss it to you guys. Pick one or all: What ways can these effect your dating experiences? If they don’t or haven’t really mattered much, what are your thoughts on them? Do you think life imitates art? Is there truth in advertising?
Permalink | Comments (215) | Categories: Current Events
Mama’s Boys & Daddy’s Princesses
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
On my flight home from LA, I was lucky enough to be seatmates with “EC” (extremely cute). We both took notice of each other during the flight, and it wasn’t long before we engaged in some serious flirting. Fortunately, we exchanged numbers before we landed!
As we were waiting to get off the plane, EC whipped out his cell and called his mother. It was so cute how he made sure I heard “Hey Mama”. When we spoke on the phone later, he brought his mother up again. He said that she was his best friend so I realize how close they are. I was very impressed by that and it seems as if his mother is responsible for raising him right. He is very kind and a true gentleman from what I gather.
I know that guys can sometimes get stuck with the mama’s boy title, but I don’t necessarily think this is always a bad thing. A guy who is close to his mother can make the best boyfriends!
Ladies, do you think a guy who is close to his mother is a great thing or does it present challenges for you?
Guys, have you ever dated a woman who was extremely close to her father? Did it become tough to date her or was it a good thing that her father was a positive male in her life?
Have you ever dated someone who was too close with their father, mother, or family? How did you handle it?
How can you tell if you are dating a mama’s boy or a daddy’s princess?
Permalink | Comments (108) | Categories: Relationships
Why are you naked?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I don’t know how men prep for their dates, but ladies usually enjoy every single moment of our pre-date rituals. By the time we have decided on our hairstyle, picked out our lip color, and the perfect accessories and shoes, we walk out with a boatload of confidence! We look and smell amazing, thinking “Just wait till he gets a load of ME”.
After ALL that, the last thing a girl wants to hear her date say is, “Um, why are you naked?” My friend Rachel had a second date with Michael this weekend, and this is the gem he dropped on her when she opened the door. She was stunned to say the least!
She doesn’t dress trashy or cheap since I have known her so I asked Rachel to describe what she wore, in GREAT detail: a neutral colored, jersey wrap dress that fell just above her knees, and a fierce pair of heels. Doesn’t exactly scream “street walker”, if you ask me.
Mr. Uber Conservative had apparently planned to see some friends from “church”, and he was very concerned about her attire for the evening. He thought the dress was too snug and her neckline plunged too low. Excuse me, but are men in the habit of telling their dates what they should wear? If this is the new trend, miss me with that one!
Needless to say, they both were unhappy with how the date began, but Rachel decided to go anyway, without any wardrobe change. I doubt I would have gone though!
Ladies, what would you do if your date remarked negatively about your attire? How would you handle it?
Guys, what do you like to see women wear when they are out with you? What do you consider trashy and cheap attire for women? Would you ever ask a woman to change her clothes because her attire was not appropriate for the plans you have?
We all have varying opinions about what to wear on a date, but what do you tend to wear on your for first, second, or third dates?
When you are out and about, are you mindful about what your clothes “say” about your image? Do guys worry about looking like a player? Are women concerned about not wearing the floozy uniform?
Permalink | Comments (161) | Categories: Current Events
This is why we’re hot
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
According to the latest Forbes Best Cities for Singles list, Atlanta ranks number 4. Considering that the top 3 slots are held by San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York, I figured that I should really appreciate our great city for all it has to offer us single people!
Somehow we managed to leap from number 14 to number 3, after Forbes tweaked the criteria for ranking. It’s interesting to see their new methodology that propelled us to the top of the heap:
“We looked at 40 of the largest urbanized areas in the country and judged them on culture, nightlife, job growth, the cost of living alone, online dating, the number of other singles and that ever-elusive quality, cool”
Well, let’s explore these further today. What do you think of Atlanta’s “culture, nightlife, job growth, living alone costs, online dating, and “cool” factor” - are they really what makes Atlanta single life so hot?
Do you think these things really make a difference in the dating scene?
What other factors do you think should be added to the list when judging a city’s appeal to singles?
If you have lived and/or dated in other cities on the list, how would you compare or rank Atlanta?
Permalink | Comments (200) | Categories: Current Events
Drawing a line in the sand
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of my roommates from college is engaged! She and her boyfriend had been talking about marriage for a few months, so while the engagement wasn’t a surprise, the timing was. In fact, they had discussed their future so seriously that she had just quit her old job in order to move to his town next month and find a new gig.
I am thrilled for my friend and her fiancée; they’re actually going to be closer to me now! But as she was telling me her story, I was thinking, I would never move for someone I was not already engaged to. This is not to criticize my friend’s decision prior to her engagement—you do what you have to do. But I’ve known too many women and men who have moved to be with a significant other only for the relationship to end in tragedy. I am simply at the point in my life where I would need a ring on my finger to start making major life decisions based on another person. That doesn’t mean it works that way for everyone else, though.
This week we’ve already discussed how cautious we are to begin relationships, but what about once you’re already in them? Are there thresholds you have to cross before you allow certain things to happen?
For example, maybe you won’t sleep with someone until you’ve been on “x” number of dates or until “x” happens in the relationship. Or you don’t introduce someone to your kids until you’ve been dating for a certain length of time.
What do you do to preserve your heart or your dignity in our high-volume dating culture? Have you ever dated someone who didn’t respect the boundaries you’ve set for yourself? Have you ever dated someone whose boundaries you couldn’t put up with?
Permalink | Comments (124) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Playing Cupid
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This weekend I was doing some volunteer work when a very attractive (single!) man sat down next to me to help out. We were only doing paperwork for a couple of hours or so, but during this time we managed to fit in some very personal topics of conversation—family, faith, life plans — as well as the usual introductory info. This guy was incredibly personable, had a great job and was over his partying stage of life. And by the end of our conversation I knew…I wanted to set him up with my roommate. (I know what you’re thinking here; if he’s so great, Bella, jump on it! But trust me—we’re not a match.)
So this month I’m on a mission to set these two up in a non-date environment. (There are details here I won’t go into, but basically I don’t want my roomie to pass judgment on this guy before she really gets to know him.) I’m simply going to invite him to some group activities during which they can see if sparks fly or not. And if not, nobody has to deal with any awkwardness.
Have you ever been successfully set up by one of your friends? Have you ever successfully set a couple up? I always think this kind of stuff seems like a long shot, but I know a married couple that met on a blind date! So it does happen occasionally!
How well do you know your friends? Well enough to pick out a date for them? Well enough to find them a potential contender? How well do you think your friends know your romantic preferences?
Are marrieds or singles better at setting people up? Does being married give people a different perspective or more wisdom when it comes to this sort of thing?
Permalink | Comments (98) | Categories: Dating
Proceed with caution?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My best guy friend is probably the most cautious guy I know when it comes to relationships. I once watched him casually ask a girl out for two years before finally landing a first date. And after that first date, he took three more months to get to the second date and start a relationship with her! He even dated sparingly in college, ending up in only one true relationship before he graduated.
Other people I know are the polar opposite, exercising very little reserve when it comes to who they will or will not dive into a relationship with. One of my friends has had so many “boyfriends” in the past year that I can’t keep track of their names!
Are you cautious when it comes to dating/relationships? If so, are you intentionally restrained when getting to know someone, or is it some sort of defense mechanism because of previous experience? Is being cautious the same as being picky? If not, where is the line between the two?
If you’re not cautious, have you been burned by relationships you’ve entered to quickly?
Who do you think are more cautious — men or women — when it comes to starting a relationship?
Permalink | Comments (60) | Categories: Relationships
Labor Day tales
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Good afternoon, everyone!
Did everyone have a good Labor Day weekend? Tell us of any new romances, fun dates or continuing relationships that happened while you were grilling out, on vacation or even (sigh) working over the weekend.
Permalink | Comments (21) | Categories: Dating
Happy Labor Day!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Good morning, everyone! I won’t be in today, so go enjoy your day! Be sure to check back in tomorrow with any Labor Day weekend romance stories!
