Misadventures in Atlanta

By been there, done that

August 27, 2007 8:37 AM | Link to this

I have been involved in internet dating.. and I do not consider a first meeting a first date.

After email and phone conversations.. it is still a matter of meeting and direct conversation to decide (on both sides) if future ‘dating’ is on the horizon and the direction each person is seeking in a relationship.. upfront and to the point..

it is interesting, I don’t expect my ‘meet’ to pay my way, and it works!

By Tazzee

August 27, 2007 8:38 AM | Link to this

Morning Folks!

Dating is gathering data. I got that from a book I read a long time ago, I think it was Knight in Shining Armor, but I have to agree with that concept. When I am dating a man, I’m having a good time but I’m also gathering the data needed to determine if we are going to make it long term.

I don’t know if this is a function of our age Wise, but I also keep meeting guys that think dating => instant relationship. Then when I set them straight, they don’t like it. When guys start talking long-term before I’ve even had a chance to gather good data - I flee.

The sick part about it is, these same guys want to keep all their women - none of them are trying to be with just me. They just want the assurance that I won’t be with anyone else.

Have a great Monday folks!

By melo

August 27, 2007 8:56 AM | Link to this

Merning blog fam!Hope all had a wonderful weekend! Will check in later. But my boy Frank Ski just laid it out this morning about the Bynam issue.As always, he dont dissapoint me!! Lurking and reading today.

By Foots

August 27, 2007 9:02 AM | Link to this

Do you find that dating means something different to the people you meet and, well date?

I’ve seen both sides of course, guys that think dating allows them to try to get the draws and guys that think they want to marry me next week. I haven’t found anyone that is middle of the road yet, who is content to see where the friendship leads. Well, anyone that I’m compatible with. With most of them, it’s all or nothing. If I’m feeling pressured, then it’s “nothing”.

How can you find out if dating to you is compatible with the people that you meet?

I have trouble asking a direct question like “what do you intend to get out of dating me?” I guess I don’t know the right question to ask. But time is generally my fallback way of knowing what they are looking for. They may fool you for a while, but true intentions can’t hold their breath forever and eventually have to surface.

By AmazonRed

August 27, 2007 9:03 AM | Link to this

Happy Monday (?!) Everyone!

WiseDiva can I trade rolodexes with you? The guys I date want to take it slow as molasses! It’s not uncommon for me to “date” a guy for a year and he’s still not sure about “commitment.”

Where are all these fast track guys?

Tazee You are so right about men trying to keep their team. They don’t want to be with you, but they don’t want you to be with anyone else. Selfish!

By Mo (now known as Moeisha)

August 27, 2007 9:20 AM | Link to this

Morning All!! Hope you all had a great weekend!

Your idea of dating (IMHO) depends on what you are looking for. Like Tazzee said, you have those that think dating=instant relationship. For instance the guys I have come in contact with recently are all looking for a relationship so the getting to know process is a relationship. However, I like to get to know folk. Lets hang out, talk etc and see if we are compatible, not just switch numbers and say “that’s my boo!!”

By Binford

August 27, 2007 9:20 AM | Link to this

Morning BLOG peeps

Binford passes out the Dunkin Donuts dozen + some coffee

When I go on a date, it is fact finding mission to see if we hit it off. I am by no means looking to dive head first in to anything until I get a steady feel of what the other person is all about. Though the underlying motives are to potentially be in a relationship.

That being said, I am looking for a relationship and someone who could be that person. But I’m at one end of an imaginary line and the girl is at the other, and I’m in to the “I’ll take a step then you take a step” approach to dating with the hope of meeting in the middle. If one person takes too many extra steps towards the middle - it throws off the balance and doesn’t work.

Another point is… even if you don’t hit it off, you could still be friends and friends in this life are not a bad thing! That friend could be a valuable asset in your life and maybe introduce you to someone who is more down your alley.

By ATLguy

August 27, 2007 9:22 AM | Link to this

Well whats eveyone’s opinion of “dating”??? b/c it seems like everyone I know has a different opinion on that.

for some people dating = relationship. these are the fast track people you all speak of.

but on the other end I know people who go out on dates ie dinner, movie, guy pays for both….but they aren’t dating.

By Cemeeli

August 27, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Everyone How can you find out if dating to you is compatible with the people that you meet? I am the type of women that does ask questions. Even if it takes up to the 2nd-3rd date for me to get to the point. Usually if the chemistry is huumm OK I would ask if he agrees to just being friends (save a lot of time with this one.) If said guy and i enjoys each others company alot and we both want to take it slow to see where it goes. I’ll take the chance never know where it may lead.

@ Foots, hey girl. Your point about not knowing what questions to ask. Just ask yourself first if you would be okay with someone asking you those same questions. And you will know whether to ask, when to ask, and if the time to ask is right.

By Foots

August 27, 2007 9:42 AM | Link to this

Binford Another point is… even if you don’t hit it off, you could still be friends and friends in this life are not a bad thing!

I’m all for this, but do you see this really happening? If I don’t hit it off with a guy, I would like to stay friends. But in my experience, if a dude doesn’t get what he wants (i.e. draws or relationship), he’s out to go find what he wants. The last male friend I made who just wants to be a friend was 6 years ago! And even he wanted to be “more” at the time and it took us months of us not speaking after I declined the relationship before we actually made it to real friendship. My other guy friend, we never dated, but were close in school. That’s about it.

It’s good that you’re cool about it though. Gives me hope that I will be able to enjoy male company one day without the pretense.

By CollegeCutie08

August 27, 2007 9:48 AM | Link to this

For some reason, guys my age think “dating” stops @ two or three dates. After that, they feel they can take the liberty to invite themselves into your space and that “chillin” at the house constitutes dates. Phone conversations dwindle and the God awful let’s set up a “date” through text messaging begins. Then it’s the jump for intsant relationship.

Hold up!…. 1. I just met you, why would I let you into my personal space before I know your background? (mental, physical, and criminal all included)

and 3. When you stop making the effort to take me out or at least give me decent phone calls, I’m wasting my time because you are just trying to sleep with me.

By Lacey (formally purplepassion)

August 27, 2007 9:50 AM | Link to this

Good morning Everyone! Long time no post, been on a long assignment, glad I made it thru. While I’ve been on all receiving and giving side, I’ve dated the let’s get married tomorrow to the I’m still feeling you out type of guys. Right now I’m not as head strong on dating as I was in the past. I’m not saying I’ve become content in my singledom but I’m not making it a top priorty. I don’t see the fun in meeting different guys and giving details of my life as I did before. Too many men out there knows Lacey’s cell number, occupation, blah,blah, etc etc…LOL

By Foots

August 27, 2007 9:51 AM | Link to this

Cemeeli That’s a good tactic that I use in other situations. But I think that most questions like that about dating would put me on edge. I like the feeling of being pursued, but I hate the feeling of being chased. I keep thinking that dude is going all Jennifer Holliday “You’re gonna love me!” on a sister. I might need to get past that in order to get upfront info.

These are the questions that I would like to ask if I feel a connection with someone, but won’t usually ask because I would look at somebody funny if they asked me the same thing:

I will ask them how they think the dating scene is here or if they date often. Or whatever can take the focus off of the “you and me” at the moment. All the rest, I feel like I’ll find out soon.

And yeah, let me know if you’re interested in the classes. I think that the Level 1 is almost sold out for the fall.

By Binford

August 27, 2007 9:54 AM | Link to this

FOOTS

I have gone on dates where the girl said to me, “I have no more room for friends”. Apparently some people have exceeded their friend quotient - who knew?

By Foots

August 27, 2007 10:02 AM | Link to this

Lacey I don’t see the fun in meeting different guys and giving details of my life as I did before.

Girl, I’m with you on this! It’s just tiring. I’m out of the game right now, warming the hellz out this bench.

Binford People usually say that out of frustration, when they really want a relationship, but all they get are friendship offers.

By Got that?

August 27, 2007 10:03 AM | Link to this

It’s all comes down to what is your intention in dating? If you don’t know why you’re dating, how is the other person going to know? It’s easy to push all the responsibility on the other person, but when the same thing keeps happening to you with different people, it’s not them, it’s you. Dating is no different than anything else in life. You have to be clear about why you are dating or prepare yourself for the inevitable, a big mess.

By Wise Diva

August 27, 2007 10:04 AM | Link to this

@AmazonRed,ha! Trade rolodexes, let’s do it! Actually, I think it is because I begin checking for older guys, my age and older, and some have been married before, or some want children ASAP. The divorced guys are in that “nestling” phase, anxious to have a life partner again. The biological clock boys are anxious to be the dad while he is in his early to mid 30s. I bet that you would find more guys like this if you dated divorcees and/or guys who are mid 30s with no children, LOL

By Lacey (formally purplepassion)

August 27, 2007 10:07 AM | Link to this

CollegeCutie08 you forgot this one-We both grown folks if another man says that to me again Imma stomp his big toe. Most men my age has been married a time or two and not looking for another wife. They want to play and that’s about all you’ll get outta them. Emotional support? forget it. My friends tell me to go younger. The jury is still out on that suggestion.

By T-Mango (At the Urban Hang Suite)

August 27, 2007 10:09 AM | Link to this

Good morning all. Here’s my brief .02.

What is dating? I think it is the process of getting to know someone that you are interested in romantically to determine mutual attraction and compatibility. If two individuals are on the same page with regards to intent & each other…it should lead to courtship. Yep, I said it…the C-Word (Not “cutty”, but courtship.) For me, within that vein, intimacy will come…

Dating should be fun first and foremost. Intentions should be clear. If you build a friendly rapport with each other, the temperature of that friendship should be comfortable enough to ask questions and express yourself freely. If not, then that’s a potential communication problem. You can’t evolve a friendship into a full fledged intimate relationship without being able to communicate your want/needs/fears and be who you are-

Have a great day.

By Cemeeli

August 27, 2007 10:11 AM | Link to this

@ Foots..yes those are some of the same questions that i would ask a said guy that i am dating. Fortunaley they have been for the benifit (of us both-no one has time to waste) and the more i am comfortable with asking the better i feel when dating. ME, i’m uncomfortable with not knowing. I like the pursuit as well but when it turns to a chase I’m ghost! lol…forget that!!!

I did notice that one L-1 series was already sold out. There must be 2 programs this fall because the other night i notice there is a later fall class which open for sign-up. Um…today there is a casual avail…i was just thinking…hmmm.

By Foots

August 27, 2007 10:12 AM | Link to this

Wise There are guys in their mid 30s with no children?? LOL!! Just kidding… (not really) Though I have dated a couple of them with no kids, they are kind of rare.

Divorced dudes seem cool at first, but I must not have met ones who were completely over their ex-wives. They were steady looking for ways that I was different from their exes and would constantly compare me to them. Out loud. I went through a spell where I attracted divorced guys back to back. Then I attracted not-quite-divorced guys and guys that were engaged-but-broke-up. None of them were ready to be out there trying to meet people. Why would they want to bring somebody into all that turmoil and mayhem?

By SexyLeggs

August 27, 2007 10:20 AM | Link to this

Good morning everyone. Just arrived at work and will be lurking for a little while.

By Wise Diva

August 27, 2007 10:22 AM | Link to this

@Foots..yeah, a LOT of guys I know haven’t had children yet. Most of my guy friends don’t either.

By AmazonRed

August 27, 2007 10:26 AM | Link to this

WiseDiva* I totally feel you on age being a factor except for the fact that I date “older guys.” I guess the key factor is that I date the never marrieds instead of the divorcees. The never marrieds are the ones who admire George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey and think they have all the time in the world to settle down. My main squeeze is in his uppper 30s (I’m in my upper 20s) and he feels he has all the time in the world since his own dad didn’t get married until his mid-40s! Ugh. I think I’ve met my Mr. Big!

But now that I think about it, the couple of divorcees I HAVE dated in the past are all ready to settle down right away and it is kinda scary. At least know my last name before you order the wedding invites!

By Tazzee

August 27, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this

binford I have to agree with Foots (who is now my favorite blogger) - the guys I meet don’t want to be friends if we don’t hit it off. The most recent guy flat out told me that guys in my age group are not trying to be my friend. Oh well to that… And the thing is, I fully believe in referrals. If I go out with a guy and we just don’t click - I might have a girlfriend that would be perfect for him.

Foots I am meeting quite a few men in their late 30’s, early 40’s with no children and in a hurry to start having some.

By Lacey (formally purplepassion)

August 27, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this

Foots Why would they want to bring somebody into all that turmoil and mayhem? Misery loves company. One guy wanted us to have a ex bashing session. Talk about weird.

By Valkyrie

August 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

Wow - this is a very timely post for me. I like to let things evolve slowly and am always going out with guys who want to get serious before I’m ready. Then when I try to put on the brakes they get hurt/angry/upset and I feel guilty. I always try to be honest but it’s as though they aren’t listening to what I’m saying. It’s frustrating as hell!

By Atlanta Pearl Girl

August 27, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this

Honey….

I’m from the South……

if you are going out with a guy and he’s a ‘possibile’ future mate….then it’s a date. No matter how you spin it.

One thing that is so true!!!

It takes TIME to know someone…. You need to go through ups and downs… arguments (and it is ok to argue….it’s how you resolve the matter is the most important thing).

By QC

August 27, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this

Good Morning Bloggers!

Thanks for the coffee & donuts Binford

Have a great day all

By Foots

August 27, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this

Wise Then yeah, exchanging Rolodexes might be a good idea. LOL!!

Cemeeli I think they are offering three L-1 classes. There should be some space left.

By AmazonRed

August 27, 2007 10:31 AM | Link to this

I agree with WiseDiva I know a lot of guys in their 30s with no kiddies. Like stated before, they are toxic bachelors tho. I think growing up in the midst of the AIDS revolution really impacted this generation. I know plenty of guys that wrap it up faithfully, even athletes!

WiseDiva you should sponsor a singles mixer so that we can all bring our single friends we’d never date but would be good for others in this blog!

By Foots

August 27, 2007 10:36 AM | Link to this

Tazzee I guess you’ve been enjoying The Boss, huh?? I will have to watch mine this week. I need some sequins and feather boas in my life!! LOL!!

By Foots

August 27, 2007 10:40 AM | Link to this

AmazonRed Now that’s a good idea, but it depends on the reason why we’d never date them. Don’t bring us anybody who still lives at home with his mama AND who has to knock on the door so she can let him in because she don’t trust him with her key!! LOL!!

By SexyLeggs

August 27, 2007 10:41 AM | Link to this

Hey Melo. You didn’t ask me to dance so I figured you didn’t make it, or did you?

On topic I’m not dating, but the men I’m meeting want to jump into sex so quickly. Case in point, I need my house pressure washed and called a company and this guy came to give me an assessment. 20 mins. later he asked he could kiss me because I was pretty. WTF…I told him I didn’t even know him, and how he couldn’t have been any more unprofessional…so, I’m still looking. Just stupid!!!

By Raqi

August 27, 2007 10:41 AM | Link to this

I remember my dad saying looooong time ago many millions of times, “You date to marry. Period.” LOL Good ole dad.

By Cemeeli

August 27, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

@ Atlanta Pearl Girl, god point. For me it takes time for me to find out if i even want guy-dated to be a friend.

@ Foots u got mail.

Hey Tazzee

By jondoe

August 27, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this

I just read an excerpt from ‘Girls Gone Mild’, and it made me sad to be a guy, and to see where all this is going. It seemed to focus on college age girls, but the routine seemed to be… go to a bar, no one buys you drinks, no one is asked on a date, everything is a hook up. The next night is the same, you never see anyone twice and the topic of interest or commitment is taboo, as all women have been raised to think this is normal and guys have plenty more to choose from. The inevitable sex isn’t slow and exploratory - it is drunk and quick. Women are expected to be like the guys, except they aren’t built like that. It reminded me of sex in the 50’s - or all history before the ‘revolution’ - ‘just lay back and think of her majesty!’ Only today, with its total freedom, it is just lay back and think you are having fun! You won’t remember much in the morning. I came of age in the Summer of Love, and loved every minute of it. But this scenario makes me sick! And no one would ever accuse me of being a prude. I love women to stand on an equal footing and would hate to see a return to the 50’s, but young girls are even pressured by their parents as early teens. No one wants their young daughters to have sex - but the message is if they realize you aren’t… what is wrong? They are thinking with their post-feminist minds, not seeing the freak show that sex and dating have become.

By Binford

August 27, 2007 10:45 AM | Link to this

Tazzee & Foots

I am in my 30’s and have never been married, nor have children, AND, I’m not toxic. Also, I am in an environment where I see many guys in the same position as myself - and most are men I’d let date my female friends. The problem is how to get those folks together: always has been, always will be.

By Wise Diva

August 27, 2007 10:53 AM | Link to this

jondoe, what an interesting perspective! Thank you for weighing in, I think you gave me a new “hurdle” to blog about this week. Hopefully you can Stick around!

By AmazonRed

August 27, 2007 10:54 AM | Link to this

LOL @ Foots!

I agree. Nothing but the friends who actually have something to offer. Like the only reason you couldn’t date them is because they dated your best friend or sibling back in the day and now is part of the “hands off” rule. LOL

By AmazonRed

August 27, 2007 11:02 AM | Link to this

Binford

Go ahead and play match maker. That is why it’s so hard to get the groups together. Guys detest doing the matchmaker thing. One of my old co-workers told me about a friend of his he thought would be perfect for me. I’m still waiting to meet him. I guess he realized that it took more work to make it happen than he wanted to commit to. LOL.

By Soulfinger

August 27, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this

Would someone please help me clarify “dating”. I went on a couple of “dates” with this one guy and before i knew it, his toothbrush was at my sink and he had become my shadow. I have since then gotten rid of his toothbrush but how do I avoid getting sucked into the dating trap again? Am I too nice?? Am I missing something? Whatever happened to playing the field…weighing options? There is definately some gray-murky area between dating and being in a full blown relationship…why didnt I notice I was knee deep in it??? HELP BLOGGERS!!!!!

By texmex

August 27, 2007 11:12 AM | Link to this

Soulfinger

His toothbrush ended up in your sink because you let him spend the night. Geeeesh! What a w*******!

By Got that?

August 27, 2007 11:13 AM | Link to this

Soulfinger, how did his toothbrush end up at your sink? If you give it up too quick, strange things happen. With society’s emphasis on quick satisfaction, we’ve lost sight of the fact that some things are worth waiting for, if for nothing else to give us time to process if this is the person we want to be with. Having sex with someone to soon, when you haven’t figured out what it is you really want and if it’s even the one you’re giving it up to, invariably leads to your situation.

By Brooklyn

August 27, 2007 11:15 AM | Link to this

Seems like you read mu mind on this one, Wise. My boyfriend and I disagree on the meaning of the word. I think dating means you are casually getting to know someone via phone calls, going out to events, deep talks and things of that nature. My boyfriend thinks dating is being friends with someone first without the fluff…whatever that means. Then once you become boyfriend and girlfriend you can begin to go out and stuff. I dont know where he got this view but to each their own…

By Benny B

August 27, 2007 11:16 AM | Link to this

Dating is a game (winners vs. losers), an outcome of powerful marketing strategies but mostly a pop culture phenom based on the belief that romantic love should be the basis to find one’s true love but also that for everyone their’s someone somewhere compatible to him or her. For many, the dating process is a process of finding that special one (I guess) but for many other it is just a routine way of single life (without purpose). Why we do it? Everyone else does…The power of conformity. Is dating important? It’s all depending of your situation, how old you are? Your family background and other reasons….

* Foots*

“It’s good that you’re cool about it though. Gives me hope that I will be able to enjoy male company one day without the pretense”

You did enjoy male company without pretense; you just did not recognize it. What do you define as pretense? A guy friend with feelings toward a girl and who silently dies with them or one that bring them up front? Let turn the table around. Will you be friend with a guy that you have just fallen in love with and who does not offer nothing more that a friendship? Grown up people don’t hide their feelings. Grown up people value their time. Why one should waste her (his) time to give someone a gift of unrequited love without anything in return? Romantic love is too precious to be unrequited. When guys approaches you they don’t want friendship, they want relationship. If you want friendship it is your turn to approach guys and ask them friendship. Do not wait for guys (wanting something else) to approach you and throw the “friend” word in their face. If you want friendship, go after what you want because most guys do know what they want. Romantic feelings are unconscious decisions, if a guy friend is feeling you; he did not plot to have those feelings….it just happens with time and it’s the human nature. By the way, one of the female here called those guy- friends: “rejects”. Who want to be called that?

By Staceye

August 27, 2007 11:18 AM | Link to this

Good morning Bloggers.

Melo you are so right about Frank Ski this morning. He was absolutley on point about that so-called man of God who did the cliche the Devil made me do it answer! I do not believe that was the first time he has put his hands on her…but I feel now because she was in so much power his manhood felt threatened. he can’t handle that fact that she is not going to sit down and be the first lady in the front row with the tacky missinary suits and the big ugly church hat and be meek. He knew who he was marrying and I guess he felt he could change her. NOT!

Amazon Red I just got out of a situation like that.. a guy wants to date you for a long time and get the relationship benefits but won’t commit. No I have met someone who is a fast tarcker…but as I explained to him…I am still healing ant ready to get close to anyone in any way (Physical, mental or emotional)! But I have only known him a little over a month and he is trying to lock a sista down and he is nice, tall, attractive and everything…but this push to make me girlfriend is scaring me away…especially because I am not ready. I am not one of those women who can use another man to get over the last one. I have to completely get over him before committing to a new man. Otherwise I am really going to be bringing baggage. I don’t heal over night. It takes 6 months maybe more. I don;t expect him to wait..but I told him in the first convo that I was not looking to date any one. He cn be friend and that is it and said that is all he wanted..so he lied. I can say I was honest and upfront…never led him on.

*Binford8 the balance and the middle meeting is so true.

*Foots I had a sitaution of this guy and I met and started to date…we fought like cats and dogs abut everything (not physically). So I told him let’s be friends and at firts he could not grasp that concept. But after a few weeks we because cool. That was 8 years ago and now we are the coolest of friends. I can call him about anything. It just goes to show…that even with chemistry you are not always romatically compatable.

CollegeCutie08 are you my sister from another Mister? I feel the same way. Why do guys think you want them up in your personal space after a few dates? A girl can never be too careful these days about letting guys know where she lives…alone!

T-Mango Amen sista!

**GA man…I know you’re out there…come and give me my citation! LOL

By Tazzee

August 27, 2007 11:21 AM | Link to this

Binford you are right, the difficult part is getting the folks together. Like AmazonRed, I don’t know too mnay guys that are open to being a party of matchmaking. They don’t want to be hooked up or hook others up.

I had one guy friend that absolutely despised matchmakers because his last failed relationship was the result of one. I tried to get him to see that the person who introduced him to his ex was not to blame - he still made the decision to date and get in a LTR with that woman, but he wasn’t hearing it.

By MusingLee

August 27, 2007 11:24 AM | Link to this

Morn’in All,

“Dating” in my book means that two people are getting to know each other for the intention of possibly developing a mental, physical, and emotional bond with each other. If one person in the equation does not have those intensions, then you are not dating your just hanging out…LOLOLOLOL…I just feel dating should lead somewhere either closer together or further apart, if you’re is limbo then something is wrong.

By 2CPTG

August 27, 2007 11:26 AM | Link to this

Morning, y’all…..Raqi, you never fail me, gal….say what you will, pops is/was correct….you date to marry, if not, then it ain’t dating; you have ulterior motives! If you have a genuine interest in that other person then, as Tazz stated, dating is data gathering; and, as with any data collection, you aleady have an idea about what you’re gathering data for (ala, experimenting), in dating, you’ve heard, or seen something you like about him/her, thus, as with any experiment, your data collection either confirms, or refutes your initial thoughts (hypothesis).

By Tazzee

August 27, 2007 11:27 AM | Link to this

Benny B That’s some good stuff. I have to ask you and the other guys - what’s the best way for a woman to approach a guy for friendship? I’ve tried it and the guy assumed I wanted more. When I clarified my attentions, he stopped calling.

By TC

August 27, 2007 11:40 AM | Link to this

I think dating has really changed within the years. I haven’t dated in five years and now I am trying to step out into the dating seen and it is very crazy. I’ve heard people say, “Well we are just friends”, but they sleep together. I do not sleep with my male friends, that’s your man if you’re sleeping with him! I do not understand this, I think that it’s just best to stay single, because people have to many tramas and dramas.

By Sunny

August 27, 2007 11:42 AM | Link to this

Hey all…@WiseDiva…. I have this same problem…. A lot of guys that I have met lately think that dating means instant relationship….I mean usually after 1 date a guy is talking about being in a committed relationship…what happen to getting to know someone…how do u know u will like me after a few weeks….I just like to go out & we have a good time getting to know each other ….whats wrong with that…..why do u guys think this is?

By Foots

August 27, 2007 11:46 AM | Link to this

AmazonRed/Binford One of my old co-workers told me about a friend of his he thought would be perfect for me. I’m still waiting to meet him. I guess he realized that it took more work to make it happen than he wanted to commit to.

Oh, how many times have I heard this?? I have about 4 folks I’ve been waiting to meet by way of lazy matchmakers. LOL!!

But you know what? It’s pretty easy to matchmake now. (clearing throat) Um, I have recent experience with this, as I tried to put a friend of mine together with my cousin. I told her and him that I thought they would be good friends if nothing more. I gave them each other’s email addresses and let them have at it. I don’t think it worked out romantically, but their personalities are so much alike, they have a good time as friends and have gone out a couple of times. See, it’s not that hard. Just plant the seed and get out of the way of the sunlight and rain. Leave it up to fate to see what grows.

BennyB Yes, I have been friends with someone I had feelings for. I valued that person not only for romantic reasons. I enjoyed being around him and I thought he was a great person. I think that Binford’s point (and mine also) was that we should learn to value the opposite sex as friends, not as just romantic partners, if things don’t work out. You shouldn’t throw away good people just because the romantic thing didn’t fly. But a lot of guys don’t see it that way.

By mqew

August 27, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this

Happy Mondya err1,

I was going to happily lurk until I read Benny’s post. He is exactly on point. Most guys are approaching you because they are acting on something they think they want! (Disclaimer: even if its bullsh!t on the brain). If a guy is looking for that one, his queen, he’s going to move on it. Immediately letting the chica know he’s for real (again there are impersonators). Actually, he’s going to come off a little aggressive… what most FEs are expressing on here. If he’s a real man and he’s single (not even in the market) I believe he would still jump on the opportunity. I’ve been lurking for awhile and it seems that most women on this blog have there sh!t together. If that is the case then, yes, you will get that type of man “yapping” at your heels.

And.. I’ve never thought about it from Benny’s perspective (go up to the guy if you only want friendship). Benny, that will work only if the guy isn’t on some sh!t, and how will one know…

Ladies… if you didn’t carry your self like the queens I’m sure you all are, then you prolly wouldn’t get persued as such and with such fervency. So what are you to do??!!! Back in a minute..

By Foots

August 27, 2007 11:52 AM | Link to this

Sunny Just throwing this out there because I’ve met guys like this too: I think it’s because they think they are saying what we want to hear (that this is a relationship) so that they can get the draws more quickly.

Good posts Got that? and Musing. I like 2CPTG’s points also.

By Sunny

August 27, 2007 12:14 PM | Link to this

@Foots…that could be true no doubt…but they want to consume alot of my time…

Just Wondering do any one feel like they are unemotional available….not sure if this is the right term…but I dont/wont allow myself to get too close to a guy….I pretty much look for reasons to runaway…..I know why & it could be considered baggage but I cant help it…

By SlimOne

August 27, 2007 12:16 PM | Link to this

Howdy Folks I’m just sneaking in for .359 seconds to say hi. Boy oh boy am I in for a nightmare on this new account I’m training for. I probably won’t even have time to scratch my butt as high maintenance as it will be. Oh well, I think I hear massa coming so I have to dip.

By SexyLeggs

August 27, 2007 12:17 PM | Link to this

Off topic @Musing, if I remember correctly you were to meet your girl’s father for the first time this past weekend. How did things turn out?

By Foots

August 27, 2007 12:21 PM | Link to this

mqew I can’t blame a brother for looking for The One. But he has to know that aggressiveness may scare her off. I’ve learned my lesson about extremes like that. In every case, except for one, they wanted to advance the relationship before I had time to figure out that they were not who they said they were, or they were trying to get draws.

In the one exception, he was looking for a wife and let me know up front and we began our relationship. I was too young then to understand that he didn’t really care who I was on the inside, he just felt like he was on this timeline and he had to be at a certain place on schedule. We never knew each other well enough. And it fell apart. After a few more years of starts and stops, we settled into our friendship and we are still friends now.

By Staceye

August 27, 2007 12:28 PM | Link to this

Sunny that is me right now….emotionally unavailable!

Hi Slim** with your nutty butt! LMAO

By Foots

August 27, 2007 12:30 PM | Link to this

Sunny When you’re feeling emotionally unavailable, it’s time to take a time out and halt the game. It’s a good way to take time to free yourself from the baggage and eventually be able to offer the right person all of yourself when he does comes around.

Here, come join me in warming the hellz out this bench! LOL!!!

By Brooklyn

August 27, 2007 12:38 PM | Link to this

Sunny, Miss Emotionally Unavailable used to be my middle name. I admit I used to carry alot of useless baggage into many relationships but then again I have trust issues with men so that explains alot. I was the perfect girlfriend but when it came to showing more feelings or puttung myself out there fore the sake of the relationship I almost always dipped. But times have changed and I can call myself a little wiser and smarter…lol

By Brooklyn

August 27, 2007 12:39 PM | Link to this

Sunny, Miss Emotionally Unavailable used to be my middle name. I admit I used to carry alot of useless baggage into many relationships but then again I have trust issues with men so that explains alot. I was the perfect girlfriend but when it came to showing more feelings or putting myself out there for the sake of the relationship I almost always dipped. But times have changed and I can call myself a little wiser and smarter…lol

By Brooklyn

August 27, 2007 12:39 PM | Link to this

Sunny, Miss Emotionally Unavailable used to be my middle name. I admit I used to carry alot of useless baggage into many relationships but then again I have trust issues with men so that explains alot. I was the perfect girlfriend but when it came to showing more feelings or putting myself out there for the sake of the relationship I almost always dipped. But times have changed and I can call myself a little wiser and smarter…lol

By MusingLee

August 27, 2007 12:43 PM | Link to this

SexyLeggs You are remembering incorrectly…LOLOLOL…No that wasn’t me..I’ve met him before, he’s actually pretty cool..But he didn’t come to the wedding, he’s old school and hates to give any of his daughters away. Which is why he hasn’t been to any of their weddings.

By Brooklyn

August 27, 2007 12:44 PM | Link to this

oops…sorry for the triple post! My computer froze up.

By Benny B

August 27, 2007 12:44 PM | Link to this

Tazzee Back when I was a naïve college student a girl asked to be a friend and I acquiesced. Our friendship did not end well and I learned from it. So if a girl approaches me and asks for friendship again, the answer is clear and clean. A lover, bf and close family are more than enough to satisfy a normal woman intimacy needs. So, why one’s need a guy friend anyway? Get a boyfriend instead. I’m having this subject with my co-worker and she think that women who desire a guy-friend are either attracted to men who don’t give them a time of their life (guilt) except for the horizontal; been hurt in the past and don’t wanna trust men or are craving for attention. All 3 are serious signs of “FEAR OF INTIMACY” and that’s not a good thing at all…..

* Foots* Genuine friendship requires a lot of energy and most of us have a limited amount of it. I’m with you that one should learn to value the opposite sex as friends but in only one condition: after one’s romantic, intimacy and sexual needs are satisfied. It is unselfish to get your sexual needs from somebody and look for intimacy / companion needs from somebody else and expect him to go get his sexual needs from someone else……

By BlatinoBrutha aka BLAT aka "Where the HE!_!_ have you been???"

August 27, 2007 12:51 PM | Link to this

WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPP BLOG PEEEPLES!!!

No, your eyes are not deceiving you…. It is Blat. Been wayyy underground for a minute and just straight not having the blog on my mind… But I love ya’ll!!!!

Question for the WLB… Have ya’ll noticed that the MLB isn’t commenting much today????

By Foots

August 27, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this

BennyB I tend to think that the fact that I have two X chromosomes and the person next to me has an X and a Y, doesn’t mean that we can’t value each other’s point of view, or have things in common, or think each other are cool, but not in “that” way. Those are things that lead to friendship. I see that your co-worker thinks that men and women can’t have those things due to her experiences. Are you also of the mindset that men and women can’t be friends, unless they are both lovers and friends?

By Cemeeli

August 27, 2007 1:27 PM | Link to this

Heeey Blat Long time no post.

Yes since i’ve been lurking since am I noticed that MLB had not commented much today wuz up wit that?

…sniff, sniff…what is that i smell?

By mqew

August 27, 2007 1:30 PM | Link to this

Foots- I agree, the aggressiveness can be unattractive on the men whom sincerely want a woman. It’s just down right disgusting on the ones who are assuming that dating means access to aas. But, we are speaking about men.. I do think they tend to ride on one side of the fence or the other.. not on. Extreme it is…

By Tazzee

August 27, 2007 1:38 PM | Link to this

Benny B if only getting a boyfriend were that easy, LOL. I personally cherish the POV that I can get from a man. It’s nothing to do with a fear of intimacy or anything like that. I believe that God created us, male and female, with different attributes for the purpose of us working together. I don’t think that always has to be manifested in a romantic relationship.

I don’t have a boyfriend or any prospects and as someone that has no brothers, I’ve always wanted a close guy in my life that isn’t trying to get in my pants. But I’m finding that most men don’t desire that platonic type of relationship in a woman. I have some female friends that have real close platonic relationships with some guys and I just long for that type of relationship. I wish I did have a good guy friend I could talk to when I’m going through a relationship - someone that can give me the male’s POV - someone that I trust and know that he has my best interest at heart.

Dang - I don’t even have any male family members in my generation except a cousin that’s in rehab. My uncle, who’s like a father to me, offers good insight - but he didn’t like my concept of the ‘pole room’ in my house, LOL.

By cool breeze

August 27, 2007 1:44 PM | Link to this

Dating someone is dating them(Outings such as-movies, picnic, dinner, va. hi fest, phone conversations) to see if you want to get into a more serious bf/gf realtionship with them. As it was said before, gathering data about how they interact with you, the outside world, goals, ideas and thoughts. I would think most have a goal of their dating like I do which is to find a girlfriend and then from there a wife. I have a friend who has a girl he knows who was lamenting the fact she couldn’t find guys that just wanted to go out and date for “fun” and that’s it. I was like WHAT?? If I wanted to have fun I would go and spend cash on myself and not some girl just for “fun”. That’s a little crazy.

By cool breeze

August 27, 2007 1:52 PM | Link to this

I wonder if the so-called “phophetess” saw that beat down and right hook coming? Wish more peopl could recognize the real from the fake ones.

By Soulfinger

August 27, 2007 2:02 PM | Link to this

who said we had sex?? you people are so silly that you all fell into such a simple trap laid by someone who never reads blogs. No wonder the top story for the last few weeks has been Michael Vick…you guys (Americans) love to judge someone prior to having any knowledge of the situation. Thanks again for proving me right!

By SlimOne

August 27, 2007 2:08 PM | Link to this

Since when has it become appropriate to say overly sexual comments to someone you’re trying to get to know. A guy that was interested in me was IM’ing one night. I told him I needed to go since I was going out to hop in the shower. Why did buddy say…..I wish I was there to help wash between your legs!!!!! I wish I was the bar of soap!!!!! ARGGGGHHHH! Fellas does that approach actually work when you and the chick haven’t even built up a rapport of that magnitude.

By IslandGirl

August 27, 2007 2:09 PM | Link to this

Good day folks

Hope everyone had a good weekend. I’m lurking today. Must say, I appreciated Benny B’ post.

By Tazzee

August 27, 2007 2:13 PM | Link to this

Soulfinger c’mon now, you know ‘toothbrush in the bathroom’ usually means staying the night, which usually means having sex. If you don’t put all the facts out there then you leave folks with no other choice than to make assumptions.

By Cemeeli

August 27, 2007 2:25 PM | Link to this

Slim Please i have heard and more of such said comment. And i have had to make sure that guy understood clearly that it was inappropriate and if he attempted to go there with me. Comment like that says what level of respect a guy has given or attempt to other women he’s dated. NASTY buzzard!!!

By PurpleOne

August 27, 2007 2:28 PM | Link to this

Slimone, I’m with you there! I joined an online dating svc and did the IM thing with one person on and we chatted a bit and he didn’t post a pix and I had and I inquired about it and he felt the need to send pix of his house, him leaning against a BMW or something like that…uh, why? And within our very basic first chat, he all of a sudden said, so, do you like to kiss? I’m like, excuse me sir, but you don’t even know my name! I then asked, so, what is it you are looking to do thru this service…a hook up/booty call or what? Mind you, we are 40+…they still don’t get it! Of course I haven’t heard from him since…

By Cemeeli

August 27, 2007 2:34 PM | Link to this

@ Tazzee…i was assuming …but didn’t say a word …lol. Yup pretty much sums it up.

By Wise Diva

August 27, 2007 2:37 PM | Link to this

oh Brooklyn, I can relate! I have come a long way in the trust department, but there was a time when I had MAJOR problems trusting dudes. It helps to have male friends (sorry Tazzee!) because a lot of my mistrust came from misreading the actions of men. With a guy decoding other men for me, I really have help with the trust issues.

By Foots

August 27, 2007 2:37 PM | Link to this

Slim Girl, I’ve had folks try me on phone conversation #2, asking me if I thought that a man could be “too big” and what my favorite parts of a man’s body were. When I called him on that kind of conversation, he apologized, got off the phone, and never called back. I wouldn’t have either, if I were him. This other dude I had known for 2 days asked if he could come hold me all night. WTF? I’m like, I don’t even want you to know where I live!! And pop quiz sucka, what’s my last name?? Good grief!!

It must work for some, otherwise they wouldn’t try it. I guess that if a man just wants draws, he’d rather try earlier than later, to cut down on the time invested in the possibility of a “NO”.

By PurpleOne

August 27, 2007 2:49 PM | Link to this

Foots, I get that they want the draws, not that I agree but I get if that is their mission, then that is ok but TACT just doesn’t even factor into the equation of their minds! I’m old school and men have always over time just wanted the draws but dang, they didn’t talk to you the way they do now! And like you said, it obviously worked somewhere along the way for them since they just put it out there like that. I’m sure not looking forward to this dating scene…

By Brooklyn

August 27, 2007 2:49 PM | Link to this

You’re right, Wise. I have a few platonic male friends whose observations on dating from the male point of view gives me a new perspective. The fact that they arent afraid to call me out when I BS is good, too! LOL. Having male friends(no matter how they became that way) is priceless.

By Brooklyn

August 27, 2007 2:49 PM | Link to this

You’re right, Wise. I have a few platonic male friends whose observations on dating from the male point of view gives me a new perspective. The fact that they arent afraid to call me out when I BS is good, too! LOL. Having male friends(no matter how they became that way) is priceless.

By Brooklyn

August 27, 2007 2:50 PM | Link to this

You’re right, Wise. I have a few platonic male friends whose observations on dating from the male point of view gives me a new perspective. The fact that they arent afraid to call me out when I BS is good, too! LOL. Having male friends(no matter how they became that way) is priceless.

By SexyLeggs

August 27, 2007 2:51 PM | Link to this

SlimOne, Foots, Cemeeli, and all other female bloggers, yes it has gotten out of hand. Men feel they can say anything they want sexually to a female no matter how long they’ve known the woman. Most of you guys are out of control, and you men who are talking like this need to take a step back and listen to the dumba$$ words that just came out of your mouth. To our ears, you sound STUPID and when we put you in place you become offended. What I think you guys fail to realize is that we value ourselves as women, nuturers, parents, friends, etc. Some of you men refuse to grow up and remain in the gutter on a daily basis.

By ut96

August 27, 2007 2:53 PM | Link to this

Can one or more than of the females on this board explain to me in great detail what your definition of “being friends” with someone of the opposite sex means. This seems to a very vague,grey sort of are to be in with some one. During this time is the re any physical contact, meaning holding hands, kissing,etc? Notice, I left out sex as I get the whole friends with benefits thing. Anyhow, when I think of a friend, I see them in the strictest sense of the word. However, to women (some women anyway) there seems to be a different meaning as it relates to dating.

Help,please:)

By ut96

August 27, 2007 2:54 PM | Link to this

Can one or more than of the females on this board explain to me in great detail what your definition of “being friends” with someone of the opposite sex means. This seems to a very vague,grey sort of area to be in with some one. During this time is the re any physical contact, meaning holding hands, kissing,etc? Notice, I left out sex as I get the whole friends with benefits thing. Anyhow, when I think of a friend, I see them in the strictest sense of the word. However, to women (some women anyway) there seems to be a different meaning as it relates to dating.

Help,please:)

By SlimOne

August 27, 2007 2:58 PM | Link to this

Cemeeli,Foots,Purple I’ve heard many things before but not that forward for having only seen me in person for about an hour. I figure that method must work for them for it to occur so freely w/o a second thought. It had me thinking if i exuded some type of sexual enegy that made them feel they can say that type of stuff. I haven’t heard from him since.

By Benny B

August 27, 2007 3:05 PM | Link to this

Talking about dating and why it’s so fxxxx up. From day one, every guy know when you talk to a girl for the first time she put up a 15’ impenetrable wall (ladies, why trying to rebuild the Berlin wall….it’s 2007 and the cold war is over) So, it’s the game time from day one and then at day 145, girls don’t wanna play anymore….WTF??? Women just want protect their feelings… Honestly, what kind of feelings on day one? Why not act normal (guard down) fro