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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2007 > July
July 2007
Ring the alarm
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of Tim McGraw’s fans got a little too carried away at a concert this past weekend. News reports state that his wife was none too happy about it either - and I don’t blame her! Faith Hill berated the woman publicly for her misbehavior, calling her actions disrespectful.
This story reminded me of something that happened to me on a date with an extremely handsome guy. Yeah, he was my trophy guy, and admittedly, I proudly wore him around town - but that’s not the point. While we were waiting for the valet, a group of women stood next to us, and they immediately noticed my trophy date. Well, of course I loved it, at first. Oh yea, I was all giddy - right up until one of them started hitting on him. Right in front of me. She may have been a little tipsy, but when she started rubbing on his arm, well, I had to speak up: “Excuse me, sweetheart, could you kindly step away from my date,” I said with a huge smile. Of course, trophy date was enjoying all the attention and was not deterring her in any way. Men can be so easy!
Usually, I am not a jealous person at all, but everyone has their limits. I doubt that I would ever reach the level that Jackie Christie has reached though. She has been known to forbid her former NBA husband, Doug, from even looking at another woman. It seems to work for them, despite many people calling Doug Christie the most whipped man on the planet.
Have you ever been on a date and someone openly tried to hit on them? How did you handle it?
I know we all love attention from the opposite sex, but wouldn’t you want the person you are with to feel as if you are giving them your undivided attention? What would you do if someone was trying to pick you up while you were on a date? How would you handle it if you were actually interested!
My friend Leland says that women are way more competitive than men on the dating scene. He says he has witnessed many situations where a woman will “block” another woman’s chance with a guy. I had always thought that men are more competitive in dating, though. Isn’t that the point of the flashy clothes, cars, and jewelry? To stand out in the crowd and be competitive on the dating scene? What are your thoughts?
Permalink | Comments (185) | Categories: Current Events
Deja Vu
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Have you ever been on a date and the person says something that sounds familiar? They may make some random comment that you swear you have already heard. Or how about - you are in a new relationship when you realize, much to your horror, that you are dating the exact same guy or girl, only with a different name? It could be that you are experiencing bad dating deja vu in a relationship.
Dating deja vu is a tricky thing. While we all have a pattern of dating similar types of people, sometimes you have to stop and check yourself. You know the saying, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different result. Well, I guess we all can be crazy in love, as Bella mentioned last week!
I had dating deja vu some time ago. I have a bad pattern of being attracted to the type of guy that drives me nuts. I realized that I am somehow drawn to the same control freak, domineering, and slightly arrogant type - the very type that I always clash with. Just when I think I am fully protected with control freak repellent, the guy starts showing his true colors. So, there I am, right back in the bad dating deja vu cycle. Yeah, I know, I am not such a wise diva all the time, but I am learning!
Do you think that you can recognize your bad dating patterns?
How can we start using our dating disasters, as well as great experiences, so that we can benefit from an actual learning curve?
Do you have any deja vu dating stories that can serve as a cautionary tale for others? How did you handle it?
Permalink | Comments (225) | Categories: Dating
Rules of the game
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There are some very admirable people on the Atlanta dating scene (some of you are with them!), people with whom we didn’t “click” with but enjoyed a pleasant conversation over dinner, people who have it together but just aren’t made for us.
There are, however, people out there we wish we’d never met, people who wasted our time, and people who don’t know what they’re doing.
If dating is a game (disclaimer: I’m not saying it has to be, but many times it feels that way), what should the rules be? In other words, if you ran the universe, what would be the official dating guidelines?
For example, mine might include:
- NO telling me you love me unless a ring is on the way.
- NO hitting on me after I just saw you hit on my friend five minutes ago.
- If you’re with someone for a year or more and you aren’t serious about him or her, end it.
What would your dating rules be?
Permalink | Comments (275) | Categories: Dating
Crazy in love
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
At my cousin Robert’s dress rehearsal dinner last Thursday, my uncle stood up and talked a little bit about my cousin and how much he was in love with his fiancée.
During his speech, he mentioned that when Robert first met his girlfriend, she was a smoker. Apparently, he cared about her so much that he went on a hunger strike until she quit for good! And of course, not wanting him to starve himself, she quit smoking.
A hunger strike! When I heard this I couldn’t help but smile. That’s just the kinda guy my cousin is. But sometimes people just bring out the zany parts of us. Sometimes even the most docile of us do silly, crazy or weird things we are in like/in love.
I don’t know that I’ve ever done anything that could be qualified as clinically insane, but one of my boyfriends once arranged for us to have a picnic in a tree. It was probably one of the silliest lunches I’ve ever had, and it made me laugh to feel like a kid. (The same boyfriend later took me on dates that included fountain-hopping and playing in a sandbox. We probably had the best time for the least amount of money!)
Similarly, it seems like marriage proposals (and prom proposals, for goodness’ sake!) are becoming more and more outlandish.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done or witnessed in a relationship? If you’ve never done anything that silly, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever heard of?
Permalink | Comments (245) | Categories: Dating
She’s going the distance
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As wedding season has descended upon us, my roommate and I are doing a lot of traveling right now, and we’re meeting lots of new faces in new towns, depending on where these weddings are.
As the two of us were discussing the idea of dating people we’d met at these weddings, I realized that our beliefs on long-distance dating are polar opposites. She thinks that starting a long-distance relationship is pointless, because, as they say, “long-distance relationships never work out.”
I pointed out to her, however, that the cliché statement is misleading, because in reality most relationships, whether long-distance or not, don’t work out. For a relationship to “work out,” you end up marrying that person, or at least living with them for the rest of your lives. And most of us will only marry one (or maybe two or three) person(s) in our entire lifetimes.
And although I agree that a long-distance relationship has a better chance of working if it begins while the two of you live close to each other, I think interest can be sparked enough at an initial meeting to, over time, turn into a roaring fire over hundreds of miles.
Does it take more for you to begin dating someone long-distance? Does someone you meet elsewhere have to portray more attractive qualities than someone you meet here in Atlanta? Or does the distance factor into dating decisions at all?
Have you ever casually dated someone long-distance, or does the type of relationship, by definition, imply something more serious?
Do you tend to exercise more trust in a long-distance relationship, since you spend less time with the person and have less indication of how he or she is spending time without you? Or is your level of security the same as it would be if your hubby lived in your city?
Permalink | Comments (264) | Categories: Dating
Breakin’ up is hard to do
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This week one of my gentleman friends James broke up with the woman he was seeing. It was not a particularly tragic breakup on his part; he simply realized, after a few months, that he was not in love with this woman.
Yet sometimes, even the simplest of breakups requires recovery time. Maybe it’s just the absence of that person’s presence, or maybe it’s because you’re thinking about the good qualities that person really does possess.
In this particular case, we were proud of James for not stringing this woman along until something better came along and instead ending it when he realized his lack of feeling. So three of us threw him a breakup bachelor breakfast! It was silly and last-minute, so we didn’t do anything extensive, but we did create a colorful banner with jokes on it and strung it through the apartment to surprise him when he came over. The four of us made pancakes and watched Season 2 of The Office. It seemed to brighten his mood after having to potentially hurt someone’s feelings.
But sometimes breakups are much more painful. Sometimes they require a gallon of ice cream and 40 reruns of Friends, sometimes you need alone time, sometimes you need to go out. What do you do that’s unique to recover from a breakup?
Now don’t confuse this with completely getting over someone—that can take months or years, depending on the situation. I’m simply talking about those first few days, when your reality can feel a little displaced, even if you were the one doing the breaking up.
Do you go to the gym? Immediately go on a date? Make a cake? Listen to a favorite CD? What’s the way you pamper yourself or recover after a relationship ends?
Permalink | Comments (282) | Categories: Breakups
Good on paper
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A couple of my married friends have been trying to hook me up with a certain guy for a few weeks, and this weekend, we finally met. Our friends organized a barbecue with the intention of my being able to meet this man in a no-pressure situation, since we’re both very close with the couple, and it wouldn’t do for us to feel awkward around each other in case things didn’t work out and we ran into each other later.
So I checked this guy out before meeting him. He had very attractive photos up on a myspace profile, met a lot of my standards (according to my girlfriend) and, after all, was close with two people I love, so it seemed as though a mutual interest was very possible.
However, when I met this guy, there were a hundred little things that you couldn’t detect through my friends’ description. Like his complete lack of gentlemanly demeanor. Or lack of confidence. Or his need to talk about the same subject over and over.
Don’t get me wrong, this guy actually had a lot of his act together on paper (stable job, athletic, family-oriented, etc.), but just wasn’t hitting the mark in real life.
How often do you meet people who are “good on paper” but end up missing some important qualities you desire?
Have you ever ended up in a relationship with someone who had all of the “important” characteristics you desire in a mate, only to realize that there were some “smaller” issues that made you ultimately incompatible?
Conversely, do you know people who don’t sound good on paper but are actually the cream of the crop when it comes to relationships?
Permalink | Comments (170) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
It ends tonight
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I have some work to do in the “man management” department. I have to let someone go because things aren’t going that great. I know I have the tendency to bail on guys too quickly, so I made sure that I gave it a couple of months this time. I made a real effort to be understanding, patient, and any other equally draining female emotion that is required to date those high maintenance men.
There are other dating options cropping up that appear to be more compatible to me: closer to my age, active life, not too clingy/needy. I am going to woman up and deal with the un-fun part of dating: letting a guy down.
Breaking up with people takes a lot of finesse, my friends. Men aren’t usually the masters of this - they may decide to take the ever so lovely, disappearing act route. Or my personal favorite: turn into a complete jackass until she has no choice but to leave the relationship. Guys, are women just as horrible when it comes to ending things too?
I have to think of how to do it. Should I send him that All-American Rejects’ song, It Ends Tonight, in an email? Should I give him the tried and true spiel: “It’s not you, it’s me”? Does that even work anymore? If I wanted to be a big old coward, I could break up on the phone or send a text message? Tres’ tacky, I know!
If you were being dumped, how would you want to find out? Perhaps you would want an expensive meal followed by, “We need to talk” dessert?
Have you ever been dumped in a surprisingly painless way? Maybe they used humor or something unique to tell you it was over. What creative tactics have used to break up with someone? Or what’s been used on you?
Permalink | Comments (365) | Categories: Breakups
Persistent or Stalking?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Alright, pop quiz genius: You are stuck on the parking lot that is I-75. In the next car, you spot someone extremely attractive to you. You both lock eyes at the same time and then the smile of approval creeps up. What do you do?
Well, if you were me, you would pick up your cell phone and ask for the digits! I have tried it, so believe me, it works. In fact, I have tried a number of rather outrageous stunts to grab a man’s attention. What can I say? Some Atlanta men just bring out the huntress in me! It doesn’t happen everyday, or even every month; But every blue moon, I am forced to reach into my bag of attention-grabbing tricks.
I know a woman who is probably worse than I am! She has purposely had a few “fender benders” with a couple of guys (she is heavily insured!), and I have seen her pass our “dating” business cards at networking events, parties, fundraisers, etc. You know what? She is never without a date, either!
Guys, what are the most outrageous things you have done to get a woman’s attention? Did it work? Was she impressed or freaked out?
Ladies, you know that the only thing we really need to do is be seen, right? So, what do you do when you aren’t in a good position to be seen by the object of your admiration? Do you make an excuse to ask him a question? Do pull the damsel in distress card?
How far would you go to get a date?
Have you ever managed to go from cute persistence to scary stalker guy/girl?
Permalink | Comments (313) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
It’s a mystery
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I have always wondered about the mysteries of romantic attraction. It seems like there really is no rhyme or reason to it at all. What makes one guy more attractive to me than another? Ortega y Gasset, a Spanish philosopher once said, “The type of human being we prefer reveals the contours of our heart””. That’s an interesting statement! Do you think we attract people that mirror us?
I remember reading a study that said our relationships with our parents often determine our attraction to a certain type of person when it comes to mate selection. If a woman/man has a good relationship with their mother/father, than they are drawn to people that remind them of their mother/father. Conversely, if there is not a good relationship with the mother/father, than any similarities they see in a potential mate would be a turn-off. What do you think?
Why are we attracted to the people that we are? What does it say about us?
Permalink | Comments (275) | Categories: Dating
Knocked up
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
A friend of mine called me to meet up for coffee a few weeks ago. I hadn’t heard from her in awhile so I figured her “new guy” was taking most of her free time. You know the type that drops her friends when she is all smitten over someone new? Ok, I admit I do this too in the beginning!
Anyway, Anna said that her new guy dropped a bomb on her recently and she was trying to decide what to do. Apparently, Anna and new guy had not consumated their relationship yet. She preferred to wait and see how things progressed. He said he understood and would give her the time she needed until she felt comfortable.
Well, he called her up and informed her that he is about to be come a first-time father. She was stunned to say the least. She assumed that he was waiting for her but he wasn’t. He was continuing his physical relationship with a young lady he dated prior to Anna.
So now her dilemma is, should she stick with him and watch him have a child with another woman? Does she dump him for not disclosing that he was in fact doing the horizontal tango with someone other than her?
First I told her that if she planned to be intimate with him, they should both be tested. Then I advised her to figure out if she likes him enough to be understanding of his situation. The demands, stress, and joys of being a new father could take away from their time together. Can she handle that? She is still deciding. How would you handle it?
Guys, what if you met a great new woman and began dating her; a few weeks later, she reveals that she is expecting another man’s baby - what would you do?
When you are dating someone new, is it really that hard to “wrap up” (no pun intended) the other options you have?
Have you ever dated someone that dropped a bomb on you in the early stages? How did you handle it - did you stay or go?
Permalink | Comments (383) | Categories: Dating
That’s not nice
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend Jared complains all the time about meeting women who are into the bad boys. I can empathize with him sometimes, but yesterday I had to tell him: women don’t want bad boys for long-term commitments. While the tatoos, motorcycles, nonchalant attitude can turn our heads, when it comes to trusting a man, we prefer the nice guys.
Why do so many people think that nice is not sexy?
The bad boy vs. nice guy phenomenon has been debated and discussed among my friends and I for a long time, but let’s try to settle this today on Misadventures in Atlanta:
Why do men think women only want the bad guys?
Are single men and women conditioned to chase the bad girl or guy?
Ladies, do you like a challenge when it comes to dating guys? Is Mr. Emotionally Unavailable really appealing to you? Do you sometimes wish you can change the bad boy into the nice guy, in hopes that he will change for you?
Guys, you don’t exactly run from the vixens either! Do these women do something for your egos? Do you feel like you have conquered a wild horse (sorry, ladies, I know that isn’t a flattering comparison!) when you chase the vixens?
What is your definition of a nice guy or girl, anyway?
Permalink | Comments (349) | Categories: Dating
Bragging rights
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s Friday! Just eight more hours! Hang in there, everyone!
To keep ourselves happy and hanging on until the end of today, let’s highlight our mates’ best qualities. And you’d better be able to back it up, people!
Don’t just tell me your girlfriend has a lot of integrity. Tell me about the time she passed up a date with a male model because she would never cheat on you. Don’t just tell me your man can cook. Tell me about the time he ripped up your kitchen making pan-sautéed halibut with artichoke frites, Pinot Grigio caper butter and rosemary mashed potatoes on the side. You get the idea.
And if you’re not currently seeing anyone, feel free to recall fantastic traits from old flames that really made them stand out. Anything’s game! Just be specific (and tasteful, please)!
Make the rest of us jealous! What makes your sweetie a cut above the rest?
Permalink | Comments (160) | Categories: Relationships
Relationship ruts
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You’ve passed that honeymoon stage in the relationship in which everything your partner does is new and exciting. You’ve reached a place of respect, understanding and familiarity. You’re comfortable seeing each other in your sweatpants.
But you may also be bored to tears.
My most recent relationship rut was with Sensitive Musician, who enjoyed music, art and movies as much as I do. And the dates in the beginning of our relationship were fun and varied—hiking, concerts, movies, etc.
But by nine months in, we had reached a relationship rut. Every Saturday, we trekked over to the same video store to search the same shelves to find a video neither of us had seen. Why were we planning such boring dates? Both of us were fun, active people!
Part of it was that as we grew to be closer, we didn’t feel as though we needed to plan these extravagant “A dating story”-type dates. And part of it was that we had both become so busy that we had neglected to plan some variation into our relationship.
Have you ever ended up in a relationship rut? What’s the best way in the start of the relationship to prevent these from happening? What’s the most creative date you’ve planned to get yourself out of the funk?
Permalink | Comments (207) | Categories: Relationships
Hold your horses
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
It’s Just Lunch is a dating service that began 16 years ago with the intent of matching busy, working singles with other busy professionals. The service sets up dates for lunch or drinks after work in order to eliminate the amount of time couples put in on the front end of a relationship before committing to one another. (IJL, please pay me my commission now!)
Anyway, reading one of their ads made me wonder, whether you choose to use a dating service or not, do you limit the amount of time or effort you put forth in the beginning of a relationship? Do you feel more efficient by meeting someone for lunch or drinks instead of a full dinner on the first date? Does meeting for lunch take a little of the pressure off?
What other ways do you pace yourself in the beginning of a relationship? Certainly we don’t call significant others as much when a relationship is first blossoming. What about the amount of time you spend with someone? Or how many times you see them each week? How long into a relationship do you feel it’s OK to vacation with them?
Or do you jump into a relationship, guns blazing, from the beginning? Is pacing important at all?
Permalink | Comments (192) | Categories: Relationships
Dating forecast
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My love life often feels as though it’s either a flood of possible dating/relationship opportunities, or instead an arid desert with no drop of water in sight. All or nothing. Either I’m spending every weekend night with purely platonic friends or I have so many love interests on the horizon that I need a personal assistant to book my Saturday nights for me.
So why isn’t it that dating is more like a steady drip?
Some of my friends assure me that for women, it’s because when we know a man is interested, we get our nails done, do our hair up, and put on the most flattering outfit we can find. And because we’re walking around strutting our stuff, we attract other men as well. Hence, that’s why the women who’s taken is always so attractive to other men.
Do you do anything to ensure a steady flow of dating opportunities? Or do you simply wait for the winds to change?
Can you feel when your dating forecast is about to change?
Permalink | Comments (213) | Categories: Dating
About Bella
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Bella is a 25-year-old daddy’s girl who has settled in Atlanta after living all over the east coast. When she’s not scouring the dating field, she’s throwing large dinner parties, jogging with her Labrador, or obsessing over things that are pink and sparkly. She also loves dancing until the wee hours of the morning and is determined to eat at every brunch place in Atlanta.
Permalink | | Categories: About Bella
If you can’t stand the cheat…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This weekend I went to the first of the four weddings I’m attending this July. Is anyone else “over-weddinged” this month?
Anyway, as my roommate and I were driving back in the car, we were reflecting on the couple’s relationship up until this union, and we specifically talked about the first time they started dating—when he cheated on her.
Now at this point, I have to confess I did cheat on someone years ago and fully admit that I was immature and simply didn’t know what I wanted out of a relationship yet. But at this juncture in my life, I would never cheat on someone (I would just break up if I wanted to date someone else) and would discontinue a relationship with someone who cheated on me.
But as my conversation with my roommate continued, we reflected on the differences between men and women, hypothesizing that we may be wired differently and that although unacceptable in any form, cheating comes from a different place in men and women.
Is cheating for men more of a physical issue? Is cheating for women more of an emotional issue (i.e. their emotional needs aren’t being met by the man they’re with)? Or is cheating the same for both sexes? Does our dating culture seem to let one sex off the hook for cheating more than the other?
When do you think it’s wise to continue a relationship with someone who cheats? Does it depend on the circumstances? Does it depend on who they cheat with or how it happened?
Do you have a “kick-‘em-to-the-curb” policy in these situations, or is infidelity up for discussion after it occurs?
Is the old adage “once a cheater, always a cheater” accurate? Or have you ever dated someone who is a “reformed cheater” after one mistake?
Mandatory Dating
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Since I am on the cusp of ruling out dating for the summer, I thought it would be a good idea to reflect on the fun side of dating. If I take the time to think on all those frogs that I have kissed (honey, believe me I kissed a bunch and I probably classify as some guys’ frog too!) I would realize that I really have enjoyed dating all types of men.
They each represent a learning experience for me. Good or bad, it was a lesson that brought me closer to finding out what type of person is right for me. It stands to reason that the more I date, the more likely I am to find someone who fits me well, right?
Looking back, I think that every girl should date the type of guys I have. They may not have been perfect for me, but they certainly left a lasting impression. There was the Mimbo who wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but boy did he look great on my arm! Then there was Manchild who was an overgrown kid, way too immature, but full of spontaneous dates that left my head spinning. Mr. Money was confident, extremely wealthy, came from a great family and exposed me to many new things. He didn’t have much free time to spend with me so I ended up feeling pretty lonely most of the time. All these guys made a lasting impression on me. I have a lot of good memories about the time we dated.
Have you ever dated someone that made a lasting impression on you? Although things didn’t work out for you, do you think you are better or wiser after dating them? What did you learn about yourself in that experience?
If you could list certain types of people that we all should have a chance to date, who would make the list? The wildchild/bad boy types? The high maintenance type? How about the starving artists: ultra sensitive, creative, and slightly eclectic?
Who would be on your Mandatory Dating list for the summer?
Permalink | Comments (173) | Categories: Dating
Key to my heart
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Whenever a woman is starting a new relationship, often times she will look for some kind of sign, gesture, or proof that the man is actually on the same page as she is. There are moments when she is trying to see if his actions are aligning with his words.
Well, one way a guy can move the relationship along from casual dating to serious commitment is offering a key…to his crib. That’s right, access to the bat cave, bachelor pad, or whatever they call it - she gets a key! Most of the time, guys who offer a key to their place would like that gesture reciprocated.
Does key swapping mean something to guys? If so, what is the significance?
When do you think is a good time to trade keys?
Before the key offer, are there other signs that let you know the new relationship is progressing nicely?
When you are dating someone new, what do you pay more attention to, action or words?
Permalink | Comments (181) | Categories: Dating
Karma Train: All aboard!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday, few of us copped to actually playing any dating games at all. Fine, whatever…you are all outstanding individuals! Seriously, I commend people that navigate the dating scene without causing any harm, drama, or unnecessary roughness.
For those of us who are now reformed from their “heartbreaking days” do you ever worry about dating karma? I mean, real concern about getting your “due” in some form of payback for your past dating crimes?
I wonder if guys consider dating karma when it comes to break ups. I have had a few guys end the relationship in a really painful way, only to get worse treatment from other women.
Do you agree with that saying, “What goes around, comes around”? If so, are you worried?
What do you think about dating karma? Have you ever experienced it personally?
Permalink | Comments (209) | Categories: Breakups
Let’s not play that game
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I turned 35 last week and as usual, my birthday brings about new perspectives about life. I always reflect on past decisions, and of course this includes dating. I have finally arrived at the conclusion that I am exhausted with playing the dating game. It just isn’t something I want to put energy into. I fully intend to be married one day, however, I have grown a bit weary of participating in the dating games people play - and we all play them.
Let’s see, there’s the “I like you, but..game” - this is the one when you find ridiculous issues and nitpick a new date to death, because you are too afraid to take a chance on someone. Then my personal favorite, “I don’t feel that passion I felt for (insert horrible example of a relationship) game. You know this one, right? Nobody gives you that same intense feeling as the wild chemistry you once felt for that guy or girl, who didn’t last for a reason.
Can you name a dating game that you are guilty of playing?
If I wanted to get philosophical about dating, I could say that we all go through this game playing phase for a reason. So what is the point? What are we out to win, exactly?
If there are so many games being played to get what we want, then who decides the rules?
Does it have to be complicated, complex, and challenging or are we making it that way?
Do you think that romantic relationships will always involve game playing to some degree?
Permalink | Comments (266) | Categories: Dating
