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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2007 > June
June 2007
One last problem to solve
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I can’t believe this is my last entry ever on this blog! I have really enjoyed talking to each and every one of you over the past year and a half. But I know I leave the blog in good hands with Wise Diva and Bella, and I am sure that all of you will keep on keepin’ on.
So for today’s entry, I tried really hard to think of a big issue, one that is one of my No. 1 concerns when it comes to dating. Hopefully y’all can leave me with some good advice as I go on my way.
As I know many of us do, I tend to fall for people who aren’t exactly what I had in mind. And once I fall, I fall hard. Now while I think that there is some definite value in keeping your expectations and your options open, sometimes, we have standards for a reason.
I know, intellectually, for example, that I don’t really want to date a guy who isn’t pursuing a career, or one who doesn’t make enough time for me, or who drinks too much or does drugs. But sometimes, our hearts take precedence over our heads, and even though I know that rationally “hey, this may not be the guy for me,” I can’t help but feeling strongly.
It’s this problem that has gotten me embroiled in several relationships that left me really hurt, and this problem also that has left me very entwined with exes who I know are bad news but whom I emotionally can’t resist.
So do you put your heart or your head first when it comes to dating? And what happens when they disagree? Should I end up with Mr. Big because my heart says that there’s something special there, even though my head says he should treat me better, for example?
How can you learn to ignore your rational side and go with your gut, or ignore what your heart is telling you and listen to the reasonable pros and cons in your mind?
Which is more important when it comes to love, your emotions or your reason? What experiences have you had that tell you the truth of this?
Maybe if you guys can solve this one for me, I’ll finally be able to bring my love life to where it ought to be.
Permalink | Comments (225) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Better with age
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Apparently, I’m getting old.
Yes, my 26th birthday is coming up in less than a week. But more to the point, I’ve noticed lately that I am becoming attracted to considerably older men. We’re talking 10, 20 years older than me in some cases. Balding or gray hair or wrinkles no longer bother me in the least. In fact, I even commented yesterday that I like Brad Pitt best with the silver hair!
Part of this is probably due to my absolute aversion to dating younger men. I am sure there are some lovely, mature 24-year-old guys out there (in fact, one of my friends is dating one!) but to me, after a number of bad experiences, I’ve sworn that I won’t go younger again. Still, though, I wasn’t expecting to go so to the opposite extreme in my taste!
Is this something that tends to evolve with time? Have you ever had the moment of realization where you started to see older — like, gasp, middle aged! — men and women as very attractive for the first time?
Would you rather date older or younger, and why? Do you have a cutoff: ie, you won’t go more than 10 years older (or younger), or similar? If so, how did you develop those limits?
Permalink | Comments (203) | Categories: Dating
Introducing Bella!
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Bella is a 26-year-old daddy’s girl who has settled in Atlanta after living all over the east coast. When she’s not scouring the dating field, she’s throwing large dinner parties, jogging with her Labrador, or obsessing over things that are pink and sparkly. She also loves dancing until the wee hours of the morning and is determined to eat at every brunch place in Atlanta.
Where you’ll find me on a Friday night: cooking and playing cards with friends, dining at a new restaurant or hanging with the girls
Something that annoys me: egocentricity
In dating, I believe that…. what you see is what you get (i.e. whoever you are in the beginning of the relationship is the same person you’ll be down the road)
On top of my pizza you’ll find…. vegetables!
3 things I like in a guy: humor, personality, athleticism
What’s the lamest pickup line you’ve heard? Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven?
What’s the strangest thing a date has ever said to you? I can’t remember anyone saying anything strange, but once my date ate his corsage!
What’s your guiltiest pleasure? Incredibly large ice cream sundaes
What’s your karaoke specialty? lots of old rock, but “Hit me with your best shot” never fails me
Are you a morning person or night owl? night owl, even though I get up early.
Do you prefer the mountains or the beach? beach!
What’s one thing you would change about Atlanta? I would create a more “walkable” nightlife area! In fact, I would make all of Atlanta more pedestrian-friendly.
What’s your pettiest relationship deal-breaker? if you’re not six feet tall, I’m not dating you. Period.
Pizza or sushi? sushi
Permalink | Comments (194) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Eject the ex
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Recently, I was catching up with an old friend of mine and asking her about her love life. She told me an interesting tale of her latest drama, wherein she had dated a guy, been pretty serious, and then broken up with him, but done everything she could to stay friends with him. It was working, she said, until he started dating someone else. And then all of a sudden, she got a call from him in which he said he couldn’t talk to her anymore, at his new girlfriend’s insistence.
Sounded awfully familiar to me.
When I was in college, I broke up with my longtime boyfriend and was devastated, but after the initial rocky time, we stayed very close friends and still talked and emailed frequently. It never interfered, in my eyes, with any of my relationships, and I couldn’t see why the reverse would be true either…it literally never even occurred to me. But then, when he began seriously dating someone new, she told him to stop talking to me, and that was it…I rarely, barely ever, talked to him again.
I was extremely frustrated by the situation, and how selfish I felt like my ex’s new girlfriend was being. She had just cost me a friend, after all, one I had had in my life a lot longer than she had! But rationally, I understand that the flip side can be frustrating and jealousy-inducing too. I recently had a reader write to me, upset that her fiance’s ex-wife was still in the picture, attending family events and the same church that they went to.
So what’s your take — have you ever been the ex who gets pushed aside at the request of the new significant other, or the new partner who doesn’t understand the fascination/friendship/relationship with the ex?
Would you be upset if your boyfriend or girlfriend was still close to their ex? Would you consider asking them to end the friendship? What elements of the relationship would make you feel particularly threatened or uncomfortable?
Is it fair for someone to ask their boyfriend or girlfriend to stop talking to an ex?
What would you do if your partner asked you to end a friendship with an ex?
Permalink | Comments (185) | Categories: Breakups
Starting over
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Before we get down to business today, I have some news for y’all: This week will be my last week of writing Misadventures in Atlanta. I will be leaving the AJC in July to go to grad school to get my MBA (business degree) and was lucky enough to get into an extremely high-ranked program with a very generous scholarship…so it was truly an offer I couldn’t refuse. But I will miss y’all greatly!
To forestall what I am sure will be your next question, Wise Diva is planning to stick around, at least for the near future. And Bella, who has filled in for me a couple of times before, will be replacing me in my role as the designated AJC staff blogger starting the week after next. We’ll be doing a little more to introduce her later this week, but I hope you all will welcome her warmly!
So with all this going on, dating has been a lower priority on my list than usual. I have been burned a couple of times by being in relationships that ended not because I wanted them to, but because the timing was wrong and one or both of us was moving. Knowing me, I had a feeling that if I really put myself out there and sought out a relationship, it would end up being even harder to move halfway across the country!
Plus, I’ve been trying to use the time that I have left in Atlanta to focus on myself, which can be challenging when you are caught up in the dating world. I have had plenty to get taken care of when it comes to getting ready for school (like figuring out just what the heck financial accounting is, let alone how to do it!) but I have also wanted to be a bit selfish and have as much time free for enjoying my home and friends here as I want, with no other claims on my time.
Have you ever been in a situation like mine, where you consciously chose to make dating a lower priority? What were the circumstances? How long did it last? What other things were you putting at the top of your agenda? Can you choose to avoid dating, or will it come and find you anyway?
Do you, like me, prefer to start new chapters of your life with a clean slate, or do you like the security of having a relationship already taken care of when you are dealing with lots of other uncertainty?
Permalink | Comments (103) | Categories: About Laney
Caught you looking
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Emory professors are out to destroy women! Ok, not really, but they certainly are getting the word out: women are not that innocent after all, scientifically speaking. A recent study by Emory University researchers found that, believe it or not, men are more likely to look at a female’s face before other areas when looking at pictures of naked women.
(Ladies, I’ll give you a moment to insert your own snarky response here)
Researchers conducted an experiment in which women and men were shown still photos of couples engaging in sexual activity (Could this be the best job ever or what?). Eye tracking devices monitored their responses and the data shows that men focused on the faces of the women, while the ladies were more likely to look at the actual ahem activity itself.
After reading more about the study, it made perfect sense: men want to know they are doing a good job, and they gauge that by their partner’s reaction, which is mostly expressed in the face. The data also showed that women lingered longer on the images than men. Does that surprise you?
What do you think about the study?
Are men attracted to the face first or is that only when the woman is naked?
Women seem to be conditioned to conceal their attitudes about sex, the male body, desire, etc. do you think this is likely to change? Has it changed already?
What do men think of women who are open about her sexual attitudes? What do women think of other women that are?
Permalink | Comments (222) | Categories: Current Events
What’s your thing?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Do you have a thing? You know, a thing. I’m not talking about that kind of thing, you naughty kids. I am referring to the kind of thing you do when you are all alone. That really outrageous thing that you do to relax, or perhaps it brings you immense joy, yet you prefer not to have a witness?
One of the perks of living alone is being able to do your weird or quirky “thing” without fear of judgment, ridicule, or threat of being institutionalized. I remember Sex and the City once coined this Secret Single Behavior (SSB), but before the show, my friends and I simply called it our “thing”.
I’ll share a few of mine:
Acting out the final scene of Love Jones in my underwear (um, including the guy’s part); working on my laptop while in the bathtub, usually with Lenny Kravitz blaring; eating Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey at 3 am after a date…in the shower; doing the latest hip hop dances in my pajamas. These are just the ones I will publicly cop to!
Do you have a “thing”? Are you afraid of showing someone you are dating now? Do you think it would change their opinion of you?
Flaws, idiosyncrasies, or quirky behavior are part of what makes us unique. In her song, Flaws and All, Beyonce sings:
I’m a train wreck in the morning
I’m a B* in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I’m a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren’t even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day
Ultimately, single people just want to have someone that accepts us as we are. When you are dating someone new, you try really hard not to reveal your freakishly weird (human?) thing (s) as not to run the poor guy or girl off! But if a guy can’t accept me on my bloated and cranky, messy hair days, then is he really worth all my energy?
So how soon can you handle seeing the not-so stellar side of someone you are dating?
We put our best foot forward in the intial stages of dating but when do you relax a bit?
Would you rather see their “thing” sooner or later?
What bad habits do you have that you think would cause a problem with someone you are dating? Any plans to change it?
Have you ever dated someone that had a “thing” that made you uneasy? How did you handle it?
Permalink | Comments (332) | Categories: Dating
It’s about time, no really, it IS
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday we covered risk management in dating, so let’s apply another common business concept to dating: Return on Investment (ROI), good idea or bad concept? I asked my favorite buddy Panama to offer a male’s point of view for our He Said/She Said series:
He Said: Now, I’m no expert on the intricacies of the male/female romantic dating rituals. I admit that I’ve firebombed a relationship or two in my day - we all have. However, over the course of time, you just get fed up with dating the wrong person. You finally accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, you two aren’t meant for each other.
She Said: Yeah well, it only becomes crystal clear to some of us after a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, and maybe a few restraining orders. It seems as if we end up trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, not a good fit. So maybe it takes awhile to figure out that you are square and he is round.
He Said: I’ll never understand, for the life of me, why a woman will sit in a relationship for seven years with a man who has made it clear he’d rather marry a panda bear named Mei Lan, than her.
She Said: You want to know why we wait for seven years? Because we just INVESTED a solid six of those years in you - someone we actually thought we loved. No, we probably shouldn’t have. Yes, you most likely weren’t really worth the wait, but we hold on in hopes that you are. So when it becomes painfully obvious that we were all wrong, it’s a tough reality check. We definitely can’t place all the blame on you, because sadly, we let it happen.
He Said: That’s a hard realization to make for some people because we all get caught up in that bogus ideal of how much time we’ve invested in a situation or person. Newsflash: Just because you’ve invested time into somebody doesn’t mean it was a good investment.
She Said: Well, you got me with that one! So, why do we do it?
He said: People are afraid of being alone. Terrified is probably a better term for it. So that fear will have you looking past red flags or making excuses for men who probably aren’t bad people, but aren’t being forced to be good men either. It’s really a messy situation.
She said: Here here! I wholeheartedly agree with you on that point. So would you say that this is applicable to men too?
He said: It goes both ways. I don’t want to make it seem like women are the only ones making excuses or sticking around too long. People settle everyday, and its a shame that we end up settling because we’re afraid of being alone.
She Said: So, it does happen to guys too. Well, somehow that’s actually good to know because uhh misery loves company!
What do you guys think of ROI in dating? Good idea or bad concept?
Do we hang on longer because we want a return on our investments? When do you cut your losses and bail out?
Is it about the time invested in a relationship or the actual relationship itself?
How can we start to make the best possible investments in dating?
Permalink | Comments (251) | Categories: He Said/She Said
Dating: Risky Business
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last year, I wrote about “Date Profiling, Is it necessary?”. It was a great week of spirited debate that highlighted the many ways single people rule out potential dates and mates, which is not always good or fair.
I started thinking about how we do this as a defense mechanism, a self-protecting factor (SPF, as Mia once called it), so to speak. We don’t always take risks on people we should, and sometimes we take risks when we shouldn’t at all. So how do single people handle risk management in dating and relationships?
One of the reasons many of us have delayed marriage (or second marriages) is because we are keenly aware of what can happen when you select the wrong person, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time.
I am not a huge fan of self-help books (I much prefer self-help blogs!), but a friend of mine emailed me a really interesting list of compatibility areas she read in, “Are You the One for Me?”, by Beverly De Angelis:
Physical Style - appearance, eating habits, fitness habits, hygiene.
Emotional Style - romance and affection, how partner treats you, expression of feelings.
Social Style - personality traits, interaction with others.
Intellectual Style - educational background, attitude toward learning and culture, creativity
Sexual Style - attitude, skill, ability to enjoy
Communication Style - how, attitude, other forms of expression
Professional/Financial Style - money management, attitude toward success, work habits
Personal Growth Style - self improvement, ability to change, willingness to work on relationship
Spiritual Style - morals, philosophy of life, religious practices
Interests and Hobbies
I have to admit these seem like the BIG 10 that we should focus on, but many of us don’t weigh these at all. Where does chemistry and passion fit in to this? Are these things too risky to build a relationship with?
What do you think about risk management in dating?
When do you start to evaluate risk factors on potential mates? Is it before you go on the first date or after a few weeks?
Does this approach take away from enjoying the dating process at all?
Do you prefer to throw caution to the wind and dabble in a little risky business in dating?
Ladies, does this come down to following your heart vs. following your head, as men seem to think we often do? Can you have it both ways?
Permalink | Comments (258) | Categories: Dating
That’s not the right way
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You know that old saying the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right? Well, guys it turns out that doesn’t really apply to women. At least not if you can’t cook to save your life. I went to a guy’s house for dinner in the hopes that he would try to woo me with his culinary skills. He kept bragging about his “special dish” that he makes which was sure to blow me away. Well, it blew alright! It was HORRIBLE.
So there I am in his dining room, praying for his dog to come over and help me dispose of his food without him knowing. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful and I definitely didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but Cole’s pasta dish was the worst thing I ever tasted. How could he be so wrong about his cooking skills? Well, I tried to fill up on salad (read: bagged lettuce and croutons) and then I said I was “too full” to finish. He was nice enough to pack it up for me (shudder) though. He seemed so proud of his efforts, I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was not good.
When it comes to impressing each other, we may think that we are scoring big points, but how do you know if what you are doing is really effective?
I have always said that we rarely get feedback in dating, so sometimes we may think that we are doing all the right things, when we are really not.
Has someone ever done something to impress you but it turned you off instead? Did you tell them or did you keep it to yourself?
Do you think single people often have an inflated sense of self? Perhaps our egos make us too confident and we aren’t even aware of it. How do we get a reality check, through friends, or maybe ask for feedback? Maybe ignorance really is bliss!
Permalink | Comments (175) | Categories: Dating
Bachelor (or Bachelorette) No. 1
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Well, it’s official: Matthew McConaughey is the hottest bachelor in America, at least according to People magazine.
Their rationale seems to be based on a few factors — his “killer abs” and frequent shirtlessness, “sparkling eyes” and “rakish smile,” the article reports, as well as his “integrity” and his good relationship with his mom. However, I have to say all I think of when I think of Matthew McConaughey is his busts for pot smoking (naked, playing bongoes, as I recall) and his role in “Dazed and Confused” — hardly the stuff of an ideal bachelor! But he is good buddies with Lance Armstrong, so maybe that counts for something.
I don’t know, though. I think we can do better. So today, my challenge to y’all: Let’s identify the hottest bachelors and bachelorettes out there. They can be celebs, on the local or national or international level, or they can be people you know and admire personally. The only rules are that they have to be single, and you have to be able to justify your choice.
So let the games begin. Make the case for your favorite bachelor or bachelorette, why you’d like to date them/what makes them dateable, and try to convince everyone else why your choice is the best!
General commentary on what makes someone a supremely eligible bachelor or bachelorette is also welcome.
Permalink | Comments (180) | Categories: Pop Culture
I do, or at least, I will
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
So the other night, I was talking to my mom, and she was telling me all about the wedding of a family friend’s daughter that she went to this weekend. The main thesis of her discussion seemed to be that she thinks it would be a great place for me to have MY wedding someday! Unfortunately, I seem to be lacking a major portion of those wedding plans — specifically, the groom.
Although my mom was not exactly coming out and asking, “So, when will you be getting married?” she was dropping a number of hints about where I might meet a husband, etc. She also sneaked in there a comment about how nice it is to be married and have someone to bring in extra money when I was complaining about my finances and how my job is less than lucrative!
I get the feeling sometimes that there are times when being unmarried can work to your disadvantage. Obviously, Mom is right that it would be nice to have someone to split the bills with me. I have noticed that women with husbands and children get special treatment when it comes to getting vacation time and holidays off, getting permission to leave work early for family needs, etc. It can be nice to have a built-in companion for social events, work functions and the like — sometimes, spouses are included and single people do not have the opportunity to bring a date to whom they are not married! And some people view unmarried men and women of a certain age as flawed, loose or even a threat to their own situation, so it can occasionally affect one’s social standing.
If you are single, do you ever face pressure from family, friends, coworkers or the like about getting married? Do you let it affect your plans? If you are married, did you face this type of pressure beforehand?
At what age did people start pressuring you?
Do you have a target age to get married? A certain set of circumstances you would like to fulfill before you walk down the aisle?
I know the grass is always greener, but what “perks” have you single people noticed that married people enjoy, and vice versa?
Permalink | Comments (160) | Categories: Marriage
Where everybody knows your name
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If you take a look at Peach Buzz on any given day lately, you’re sure to find that the Atlanta nightlife scene isn’t the same as it used to be. Following the closure of big-time clubs Vision and 1150, the newest word on the street is that many of the Buckhead bars are closing down, such as Tongue and Groove.
Lucky for us, new spots are constantly springing up in their place. Jermaine Dupri will be opening Studio 72 this weekend, for example. There’s a new bar in Midtown, Tap, from the folks behind One Midtown Kitchen, Two Urban Licks, Trois and Piebar.
These openings and closures can create great opportunities for us to shake up our dating life — or they can be sad losses of our favorite “fishing holes” or favorite date spots. I know that personally, I have a few standby restaurants where I like to go on dates, so I’m never stumped or full of awkward silence when my date says to me, “So, where do you want to go for dinner?” But at the same time, it can be great to try new places, break outside our comfort zone and meet new crowds of prospectives.
When it comes to your dating venues, both for meeting people to begin with and taking a date out, do you consider yourself a creature of habit, or an Atlanta adventurer? Do you have old faithful spots when it comes to restaurants, bars or clubs, or do you prefer to never repeat the same place twice?
For those who are involved with someone currently, did you meet your significant other as a “repeat offender” at a place you frequent often, or somewhere you don’t usually go?
Do you change your scoping strategies if you’re somewhere new and different?
Are there places that have been ruined for you because you and an ex used to go there all the time, and now you don’t want to go back?
Permalink | Comments (147) | Categories: Atlanta
Sentimental journey
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hi, my name is Laney, and I’m a pack rat.
Every time I go searching for an important paper, the shirt I wanted to wear, or a certain book, I am reminded of this fact. But I also have a box in my closet of the artifacts of past relationships that I just can’t let go of. Cards and letters and valentines. Photographs. Even a dried flower from a bouquet of roses an ex gave me on a first date once.
I have always been a saver like this. My high school boyfriend gave me a t-shirt of his to sleep in when he was off on vacation sometime when we were dating, and I kept it well after he had moved out of my life, just for sentimental reasons. During my breakup with Starving Artist, I was angry and upset, and for the first time, I threw things out. I don’t regret it now, because it was cathartic at that moment, but I do like sometimes to go back to the things I have saved and relive the memories.
Is this a uniquely female thing? Who out there saves mementos from past and present relationships? What types of things have you saved over the years? What have you done with them?
On the flipside, have you ever had a symbolic trashing or destroying of stuff?
How would you feel if you knew an ex had saved things that reminded them of you? Or how would you feel knowing an ex had gotten rid of all mementos?
Permalink | Comments (203) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
Open for business
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of my favorite episodes of “Sex and the City” (yes, it has to come up from time to time in a single gal’s dating column!) is when Carrie shares her theory about how men are like taxicabs.
In case you haven’t been lucky enough to see this, I’ll explain: She says that when it comes to men, everything is a matter of timing, same as trying to hail a cab. If a cab drives by that doesn’t have its “for hire” light on, no matter how desperate or attractive you are, you can’t get it to stop for you — and the same goes for guys. But as soon as the cab turns its light on — or a guy metaphorically does the same, by deciding he is ready for a relationship — the first suitable woman ahead is the one who gets to go along for the ride.
One of my biggest dilemmas with men, though, is understanding what gets them to “turn on their light.” So I turn it over to my male readers today for a little insight: Guys, how do you know that you are ready for a relationship? Is it a conscious or unconscious decision? Are you aware of it? What factors play in? Are there times in your life when you are simply not open to a relationship?
Carrie implied that women are always ready for a relationship, or at least open to one, which is why they don’t get to fit into the taxicab imagery. I’m not sure I agree with this. Ladies, what do you think? Are you always ready for a relationship? If you’re not, same questions as the guys — what makes you ready for one, and how do you know that you are?
For everyone, have you ever been burned by a member of the opposite sex who truly wasn’t open for a relationship… or is that just one of those lines people use, like “I just want to be friends” or “It isn’t you, it’s me?”
Is there anything you can do to get someone to “turn on their light,” or is it a decision that a person makes for him or herself regardless of outside input?
Permalink | Comments (218) | Categories: Relationships
Not that desperate
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Paris Hilton is officially an ex-con, but do you think this will impact her dating options? I doubt it too. After all the media coverage of her stint in the pokie, I started thinking about what would happen if I went to jail. I was joking around with my friend Brian last night about what circumstances he would date someone who has been in prison. He said he wasn’t so desperate that he would have to date someone who had a criminal record.
The guys I have dated didn’t have a criminal past that I was aware of, at least they never told me. I am not sure how I would react if someone I was dating told me they served time. I suppose the circumstances of why they went to prison and how long they were there could make a difference though. Then again, I can be really snobby at times, and I would probably worry how my family would react. My father still brings up the guy I brought home once that LOOKED like an ex-con - and that was way back in high school!
When we talked about “When She Has A Past”, a reader sent me an email saying that he was lucky enough to be dating a great woman who stayed with him after he revealed to her that he served time. It really made me think about judging people’s past mistakes so harshly. I mean, isn’t it possible to change?
What are your thoughts?
If you have served time in prison, do you tell the people you are dating about it? If so, what do you say? How long do you wait before telling them?
How would you react if someone you were dating admitted to being an ex-con?
Permalink | Comments (211) | Categories: Dating
First Date Hall of Fame
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I was listening to Q100’s The Bert Show and they were discussing their campaign to bring back the First Date. Ok, maybe I missed something, but did the first date go away and nobody tell me?
Apparently, if you were born after 1980, chances are you haven’t experienced a true first date. Modern dating has taken us into the era of text messages and Myspace to set up first dates. Well this certainly isn’t our mother’s dating scene, now is it?
I have to admit that I am still a stickler for first dates, I suppose because I was born way before 1980! I have had some really great first dates though. If there were a first date hall of fame, I think my guys would make the list!
Let’s see, I have had a chef that cooked a fantastic meal for me on our very first date. He took the time to ask me my favorites and had my top dishes on the menu. Then there was the coach that took me to Stone Mountain park for a sunset picnic. Oh, and the investment banker that took me to this park near Lake Oconee to go canoeing.
I think it’s great that Q100 has a campaign to bring back the first date. They are giving tips for the guys all week on how to do it “old school”. Do you have any tips for people who haven’t experienced true first dates?
Are there first date ideas that would put you in the first date hall of fame?
What are a few things you should avoid on a first date?
What was your best first date ever?
Permalink | Comments (192) | Categories: Dating
Money on my mind
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hey guys! Today is the second installment of the He Said/She Said series for the Misadventures in Atlanta blog. I have recruited one of our great male readers Got That to weigh in on the topic of Men and Money.
I am not sure about other women, but in my experience, men get weird when it comes to their money. Whether it’s about the lack of money, making money, or protecting it - men just have these strong reactions and attitudes about money. So I asked a few questions to get more insight. Check out what we discussed after the jump and weigh in with your opinion:
She Said: What’s the deal with you guys and your money?
He Said: Making money is important, but only to a degree. If the basic human necessities are cared for, all excess is just that - excess.
She Said: How much does making money matter to you? Is it everything to you?
He Said: Most people collapse the success of their career choice with the amount of money they are getting paid. However, there are people who are successful, who don’t make a lot of money, and are very happy with their choice.
She Said: I meet lot of men who think that money plays a large part of his power. Are men driven by money?
Am I driven by money? No. While it’s nice to be paid on a level of the value created, it’s not demanded. There are a multitude of other non-monetized incentives that provide satisfaction.
She Said: How do you handle spending money on women?
He Said: When it comes to spending money on women, it can get dicey. I prefer that to be a two-way street. We are living in a period of time where women are making their own money. The old way, where the man spent money on the woman was that way because women didn’t work or didn’t have jobs that provided non-discretionary, disposable income. Things are different. Women are making a significant amount of money and it’s not fair to require the man to pay for everything all the time.
She Said: It definitely gets dicey for us too. How do we show that we are willing to pay without sending a message of “I am Ms. Independent, don’t need you to pay my way! Maybe we should start off doing it “dutch” for the first few dates, instead of waiting a few dates, like most of us do. So why does it seem as if you guys get weird when women mention your money, credit score, career/job, or money making goals?
He Said: It only seems that guys get weird talking to women about such matters if the subject of money is broached too early. There’s a time for everything. If a woman starts hammering me about money far too early in the relationship, I will back away and take another look at her, especially what’s at the real source of all those questions. No matter how much money or how little money is produced, if she has an attachment to money and her attachment to money is stronger than her attachment to relationship, then that’s a fundamental problem.
Thanks to “Got That” for weighing in on this topic. What are your thoughts? Do you agree?
Ladies, we catch so much flack for all the “gold digging” women that men run into in Atlanta, and in their previous dating experiences. How do you handle the money issue in dating? When you make more money, is it hard on you to balance the “power” that some men feel is taken from them?
Permalink | Comments (259) | Categories: He Said/She Said
Dating: Can you negotiate?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
For topic research purposes, I was watching one of those talk shows that featured a panel of experts who discussed the current state of dating and marriage. They didn’t really discuss anything ground breaking, but I did come away with a new conclusion about dating and mating: you need negotiation skills.
Let’s say that there are a few things that you feel would make you happy. What if there is a price you have to pay to get it? What are you willing to give or sacrifice to get it? Perhaps there is some trade-off or compromise that would enable you to get that “thing” - do you think it would be worthwhile to negotiate for it?
In modern day relationships, few people seem to really negotiate in dating very well. We can be self-absorbed, self-serving singletons! Why negotiate if we don’t have to?
For example, I decided to go to graduate school because I wanted an exciting career in biosecurity. A lot of jobs in this field involve long hours, traveling, and possibly even danger. Most men that I meet and date believe that my focus on family and household would be compromised because of my career choices. If I am to settle down (I really don’t like that particular expression!), I will need negotiation skills to get a little balance. My husband will have to also give a little to get a little in terms of our “partnership”.
As it turns out though, guys don’t want a partner, they want a wife. Why would a man need to negotiate with a partner when he can find “ten women that gives him a better deal”, as one gentleman on the show’s panel argued.
What do you think of the “give a little to get a little” idea concept?
Do you think it is necessary for dating, relationships, marriage?
Since I know the discussion will decidedly become mars vs. venus, who has better negotiation skills, men or women?
Permalink | Comments (193) | Categories: Relationships
Cursed
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You would think that metro Atlanta is large enough so that I could co-exist without having to run into an ex-boyfriend. I mean, I don’t even have that many ex-boyfriends, for one; and for two, with all the places to live from ITP to OTP, I really expect that ex-boyfriend sightings should be rare, if not non-existent.
Oh, but it’s not. Not for me, anyway because my ex-boyfriend - the one boyfriend who was the headaches, heartaches, and regret - not only works nearby, his parents recently purchased a home 2 city blocks away. That’s right, they are practically my neighbors! This has been my neighborhood all this time, I was here first!
So now, I see him all the time. During my jog, on my way to Starbucks - there he is taunting me, making my life miserable - again. Except this time, we aren’t breaking up and making up. We are just two people who used to — be. It’s so weird.
The only reason I have issues with still seeing “Mr. Ex” is because he is the first (and here’s hoping, the LAST time) I have ever felt “cursed” by love; or whatever that was I felt with him. I actually refer to that time as my temporary loss of common sense.
Why did I feel cursed? Because I was the only one in “love”. He was having fun and I was his “just for now” relationship. Yeah, it hurt, and the emotion I have now is more about me then our actual relationship. But I digress.
Now I get a reminder every, ohh about 2 weeks or so, of how I was stupidly in love, for way too long. A 6’2, ridiculously sexy reminder of the unrequited love experience that I don’t really like remembering. Sucks to be me!
Have you ever experienced “cursed love”? The kind that makes you regret even falling so hard? How did you handle it?
When you are the ONLY one falling in love, it seems like you are stuck there until you will yourself out of the misery! How do you snap out of it? Shouldn’t it be simple when the feelings aren’t returned? Why is it NEVER that simple!?
I know ladies aren’t the only ones that go through this. Guys, how do you really cope with your feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same as you? Do you act macho and pretend it doesn’t bother you? Does that really work?
Permalink | Comments (187) | Categories: Dating
Survival of the hottest
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
As if there weren’t enough online dating options out there, from Match.com to eHarmony (which, incidentally, was just sued for refusing to allow gay and lesbian members) to even Datemypet.com (which, despite the misleading title, is actually for pet OWNERS who want to date EACH OTHER)…
Now there’s HotEnough.org. In order to gain membership to this site, you have to submit a picture and … well, let me let the site do the rest of the explaining of their very complicated process. 1. New members (registrants) must submit three photos of themselves at signup. These photos must include one full body shot. Only one professional photo will be allowed. 2. Submitted photos will be sent to our site administrators where they will be judged based upon whether the registrant appears well-kept and in shape. 3. If the registrant passes the assessment, he or she will be granted prospective member status. 4. Prospective members photos are then forwarded to Hotenough’s voting area where active members will cast their votes. 5. Once a prospective member receives 25 votes, he or she must maintain a score of eight or above to become an active member.
The theory behind this “survival of the hottest”? To make sure gorgeous people date other gorgeous people, of course. It would certainly be awful if they had to waste their time with the — gasp — average-looking masses. As the Web site puts it, “Attractive, fit singles deserve an above average dating pool and the leading online dating sites just don’t meet that standard.”
As if dating wasn’t demoralizing enough…now you can be told you aren’t hot enough to pay for the privilege for paying for this dating Web site!
For me, though, this concept just doesn’t work. The reason is the standards they use to judge the potential dates. Their definition of “attractive” intrinsically assumes that the prospect is attractive to the masses — hence, the peer ratings as a key criterion. For someone like me who likes unconventional-looking men and runs from anyone too preppy or “Ken doll” like, this could be a problem. And then there’s “fit” — maybe I’m weird, but bulging muscles scare me, and thin can be a turnoff! As my friend put it, “I need a guy whose T-shirt I can put on and have it be too big for me.”
Of all the men I’ve dated, I wouldn’t necessarily call any of them conventionally attractive, or rate them above, say, the necessary 8 that these people have to average. I mean, I like the idea of general cleanliness and hygiene and all, but I think I like a more unusual appeal.
How about you? Do you prefer to date “the industry standard” of beauty and fitness, or do you have some quirky tastes of your own?
How attractive would you rate your current and past significant others? Would they make the cut on HotEnough? Would YOU, in your opinion?
Is it true that attractive, fit people deserve to date other attractive people?
Would you rather date someone more or less attractive than yourself? Why?
Permalink | Comments (96) | Categories: Dating
