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DEL.ICIO.USMoney on my mind
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hey guys! Today is the second installment of the He Said/She Said series for the Misadventures in Atlanta blog. I have recruited one of our great male readers Got That to weigh in on the topic of Men and Money.
I am not sure about other women, but in my experience, men get weird when it comes to their money. Whether it’s about the lack of money, making money, or protecting it - men just have these strong reactions and attitudes about money. So I asked a few questions to get more insight. Check out what we discussed after the jump and weigh in with your opinion:
She Said: What’s the deal with you guys and your money?
He Said: Making money is important, but only to a degree. If the basic human necessities are cared for, all excess is just that - excess.
She Said: How much does making money matter to you? Is it everything to you?
He Said: Most people collapse the success of their career choice with the amount of money they are getting paid. However, there are people who are successful, who don’t make a lot of money, and are very happy with their choice.
She Said: I meet lot of men who think that money plays a large part of his power. Are men driven by money?
Am I driven by money? No. While it’s nice to be paid on a level of the value created, it’s not demanded. There are a multitude of other non-monetized incentives that provide satisfaction.
She Said: How do you handle spending money on women?
He Said: When it comes to spending money on women, it can get dicey. I prefer that to be a two-way street. We are living in a period of time where women are making their own money. The old way, where the man spent money on the woman was that way because women didn’t work or didn’t have jobs that provided non-discretionary, disposable income. Things are different. Women are making a significant amount of money and it’s not fair to require the man to pay for everything all the time.
She Said: It definitely gets dicey for us too. How do we show that we are willing to pay without sending a message of “I am Ms. Independent, don’t need you to pay my way! Maybe we should start off doing it “dutch” for the first few dates, instead of waiting a few dates, like most of us do. So why does it seem as if you guys get weird when women mention your money, credit score, career/job, or money making goals?
He Said: It only seems that guys get weird talking to women about such matters if the subject of money is broached too early. There’s a time for everything. If a woman starts hammering me about money far too early in the relationship, I will back away and take another look at her, especially what’s at the real source of all those questions. No matter how much money or how little money is produced, if she has an attachment to money and her attachment to money is stronger than her attachment to relationship, then that’s a fundamental problem.
Thanks to “Got That” for weighing in on this topic. What are your thoughts? Do you agree?
Ladies, we catch so much flack for all the “gold digging” women that men run into in Atlanta, and in their previous dating experiences. How do you handle the money issue in dating? When you make more money, is it hard on you to balance the “power” that some men feel is taken from them?
Permalink | Comments (259) | Post your comment | Categories: He Said/She Said
Comments
By GA.man
June 6, 2007 8:11 AM | Link to this
Good Morning..head nod to the ALL POWERFUL MLB…winks to the very SEXY LADIES of the WLB
First and foremost…let me say this…TRUTH and i have stopped the BEEF….my Lawsuit has been pulled
Ok now back to our regularly scheduled blog…..lol
MLB FOR LIFE
By Sexione
June 6, 2007 8:25 AM | Link to this
Happy Hump Day!!!
Sexi hair flip to the WLB, semi church hugs to the MLB
On topic…
I never bring the issue of money (or the lack thereof) into play. If a guy wants to talk about his money, okay, if not, okay too….and if he talks about it too much, it’s a turn off. What’s more important is the non-monetary assets. Now if some dude brings up money and appears to be in need (and maybe the type that will try to hit a sista up) then I’m out. I’m more interested in whether we are on the same page about life, period.
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 8:26 AM | Link to this
Good Morning All,
Wisey you asked him a question… How do we show that we are willing to pay without sending a message of “I am Ms. Independent, don’t need you to pay my way! and then you answered it.
I would like to here a few of the gentlemen answer that question because personally I believe this is a Catch-22, damn if you do and damn if you dont situation.
By Cassie
June 6, 2007 8:28 AM | Link to this
Well, I’m headed out of town on vacation, so this will be my only thought (and I mean that literally) of the day.
I’m not boasting, but I do make more money than any of the men I’ve dated. I just don’t talk about it. When we divorced, my ex hubby told me that my money making ability emasculated him.
Later, folks
By QC
June 6, 2007 8:35 AM | Link to this
Morning Bloggers Winks for all the members of MLB fresh coffee, & assorted tea & muffins in the Blog Cafe for all the WLB members….have a great day all….have a great vacation Cassie
By SlimOne
June 6, 2007 8:37 AM | Link to this
Hair flip to WLB & an air kiss to MLB
I’ve never really come across a ‘money issue’ in dating. I don’t feel the man should pay all the time for everything or vice versa. In dating, if the guy has paid for our last few outings or whatnot, i’ll treat the next time. Or if the guy buys dinner, I’ll pay for the movie or snacks. It’s just a matter or respect and not coming across as ungrateful or as a spoiled brat who has to have it all your way. In my experience men seem to have appreciated at least the gesture of me offering to pay and I immediately see them relax. It’s almost funny when you offer to pay when it’s obvious he has not had the experience to put his money back in his wallet.
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 8:53 AM | Link to this
Great Topic…Morning good people!!! Be back later!
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 8:58 AM | Link to this
Morning Everybody…..A big kiss to the MLB and a wave, side step and hair flip to the ladies of the WLB
@Slim…last night I went back and read yesterday’s blog and realized you had an accident at work. Hope all is well with you….so sorry to hear about your car.
Not sure if any of you listen to V-103, but Porshe Fox is coming back…..I missed her show
On Topic
Regarding money matters in dating, I’ve not had a problem in this area. I’ve always offered to pay for dates or go dutch on the bill. Most guys don’t mind that at all. As the relationship progresses, the money issue remains the same. If we made big plans for a vacation somewhere together, we can decide who will pay for what or if we will split the cost of the trip, etc. I don’t put any expectations on my guy to pay my bills, so it’s never an issue while dating. .
By SlimOne
June 6, 2007 9:03 AM | Link to this
Island Thanks for the concern but all is well. I was just a little disoriented initially.
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 9:09 AM | Link to this
@IG…I am the same way even down to the gas…I can handle me for the most part and every other date take turn or pay in full if need be…I do get in binds from tme to time and it is much easier to ask for help from a SO when I down bc they know I can handle me but need help from time to time and he is more receptive and vice versa…I lend money and get it back and he lends money and gets it back…no games with money it is about business..It makes the foundation stronger when both parties can handle their own and help each other and not be a BURDEN!!!
I am glad to hear that Porshe Fox is coming back!!! She was my favorite in 02 and 03!!! Thanks for the info IG!!!
Again Great Topic!!! Disclaimer: As everyone know I love to read Got That? point of view…The brotha comes with it! Thanks Wise Diva!
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 9:15 AM | Link to this
@Slim….I’m glad to hear that.
By SeanJohnson
June 6, 2007 9:19 AM | Link to this
Sup Blog….i will sit back and see where everyone head is at on this one…
@ Kym…when you ask someone out you are responsible for paying for the date…just ask the dude out ..pick him up..pay the tab..take him home or have a night cap…if u want to pay for a date that he takes you out on….beat him to the draw….ask for the check…pull at your debit card..and tell him you got this one…he can get the next one…
By NCGirlfromATL
June 6, 2007 9:26 AM | Link to this
Sup Blog.
Most of you have heard my stories about getting stuck with the check. I haven’t always been a lawyer, so the income thing wasn’t really an issue until about 3-4 yrs ago…and it actually isn’t a real issue, just a false perception. (Contrary to popular belief, lawyers don’t come out of school gettin’ paaaaaaaaaid!) Frankly, many of the guys I’ve met still make quite a bit more than me. But, I guess I’m a little more sensitive about it b/c I’ve been on the “guy” side of the table…kinda. There’s nothing wrong w/ going dutch, but it does feel a lot less like a date when you pay for yourself. I guess I’m a little traditional about that, I hope that he will pick up the check, at least for the first couple of dates. I’m interested in hearing the responses to Dr. Kym’s post too, b/c men on the blog seem to always be talking about the balance of power. I wonder how that is established if the woman is paying for her part of the date, right off the bat.
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 9:30 AM | Link to this
@LadyJ….girl I know thats right…even done to gas. :-)
By Dark Brown
June 6, 2007 9:31 AM | Link to this
When Brown and I were just dating, money was not a part of our conversation. Most often, he paid, but sometimes, I paid. Because of our level of communication, I never had to consider whether I was sending any sort of “superwoman-destinys-child-miss-independent” message. For us, it was just a step toward the path that lead us to our partnership and commitment.
When we began to discuss moving in together is when he and I had our first real conversation about money related matters. In that, it was not a conversation about exact dollar amounts of our individual incomes, but more about laying groundwork for what the actual responsibilities would be in our household.
I truly believe that the biggest reason that Brown and I don’t have money issues is because we both make enough money to cover our expenses, meet all of our needs and a sufficient number of our wants. In addition to that, neither of us measures success by the size of our bank accounts. We both find our satisfaction in our quality of life, our friends, family and in each other.
And that’s not to say that we do not recognize that more money could mean and improved quality of life. It does not mean that we do not have ambitions, dreams, goals or actual plans. It just means that money did not buy us this love and it does not guarantee happiness.
By T-Mango
June 6, 2007 9:34 AM | Link to this
C.R.E.A.M…cash rules everything around me. Cream is the money. Dolla dolla bill y’all-Wu Tang Clan
Hair flip to the WLB(shout out to Slim…hope you’re doing betta) and a warm hello to the MLB
I think money is an issue in dating only if you allow it to be so. I just think you should stay in your lane. In other words, don’t try to ball out of control or keep up with the Jones’in an effort to impress someone if it is not within your means to do so.
However, I do think that financial matters should be discussed in situations where two people are serious and talking about shackin’ up or marriage. If we’re just dating, I keep it high level. We know what each other does and you have the opportunity to see more of the person’s lifestyle as you date them. Still, making money and money management are two different things. You can make good money and not be good at managing & growing it.
I’ve been in a situation or two where I’ve made more luchini than a man, but that wasn’t an issue for me and it wasn’t for him. Some sisters use their making of more money as a way to emasculate men. That’s not fair or right. From my perspective, whether I make 40K and he makes 60K or I make 60K and he makes 40K…it is still 100K total. So, if we form a long-term partnership/relationship,we would have more economic power as a couple than as an individual.
By SlimOne
June 6, 2007 9:36 AM | Link to this
Off Topic Oh my goodness! How come folks can just let go when a relationship is over? Must we kill our ex as shown here
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 9:49 AM | Link to this
@NC…girl, we understand your pain. We remember your story. It’s scary to be put in the position where you expect the person that asked you out to take care of the bill- then doesn’t …especially if you’re also short on cash…ouch.
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 9:50 AM | Link to this
@Dark Brown money does not buy happiness…I look at my ex-mother-in-law and know that for sure…I will never forget those piercing words after I gave birth to her grandchild that you know man j does not have to do anything for you just the baby…Anyway she does have madd old money and could very well though I was seeking it but I truly was not…Never been the materilistic type…I grew up poor and know where I came from and will never try to change that by moving to a metro area and being false through money and material things…But that sista is really sad and she has it all…She can’t believe how I bounced back with not asking them for anything and starting over and looking good doiing it…It is hard but they don’t see me sweat…But she has the bank account the cars, the houses, etc and truly unhappy…
By BlatinoBrutha -
June 6, 2007 9:51 AM | Link to this
Official MLB Notice: GAMan and Truth have been again granted full access on ID Badges. There’s ice cold Heini’s in the fridge for ya’ll.
I’ve actually never been asked by any girl I’ve dated any real details about my money. If they had, they woulda been dropped right there. I understand why they ask, but I personally don’t want to date any woman who worries about how much I make. I’m a little over-sensitive to it based on past experiences, and I really hate the gold-diggers in ATL. Best way to get cussed out by Dee Blatino in Spanish and three other languages is to ask him for a drink without being offered one.
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 9:54 AM | Link to this
It was like my survior instinct kicked in along with the maternal instinct and I have been on a positive roll with handling my business…I am proud of me I must say! lol
By abc
June 6, 2007 9:56 AM | Link to this
I think that the most important thing to a woman is security. Adequate funds equals security; confidence in monogamy equals security; faith in support of values is security. So sure, money is important, along with lots of other things.
I typically spend too much on women. I don’t mind, I can afford it. It has, in the past, led some of them to believe I was more into them than I really was, but that’s about the only problem it caused.
By SeanJohnson
June 6, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this
@ Tango…i think in dating and money…people tend to pay too much attention to what “looks” good on paper…rather than whats really good..example…say you made 75k and i made 45k…one party or both parties make look and think that the female makes more money..she may be out of my league..or she make think he is not on my level financially…but if the one that makes 75k is up to the neck in bills and can barely make it but no one knows yet the one that makes 45k is basically debt free except for a mortage and house hold bills…who is healthier financial wise..
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 9:58 AM | Link to this
It has come to my attention that I missed a question. It’s not that I ignored it, I didn’t answer directly it because it had already been answered in the context of answering the other questions. However, as requested, I will directly address the question. She Said: It definitely gets dicey for us too. How do we show that we are willing to pay without sending a message of “I am Ms. Independent, don’t need you to pay my way! It’s all in how you do it. If you want your man to show you respect, then you have to show him respect. You can do it if you do it in a way that shows you respect his manhood and are not trying to show him up or make him feel bad about making more money than him. A woman can be powerful, but it doesn’t give her the right to be overbearing, rude, and obnoxious. I see a lot of powerful women come across that way, even though they don’t mean to. The problem is, when men call them out on it, they get an attitude like the man has the problem. Women do the same when they see men get out of line, but when the opposite is true, they get all up in a huff. The thing is, no one, man or woman, wants to deal with a weak person. Everyone has a tremendous amount of power. It’s all in how you wield it. Some do a better job than others. In conclusion, if a woman says verbally or non-verbally that she’s Ms. Independent, I’ll let her be. She has some fundamental issues she needs to work out around what it means to be related to other people. You can be independent and not let your strength be your weakness. Just like because I’m a man living in a man’s world doesn’t give me the right to be an overbearing, rude, obnoxious jackass.
By NCGirlfromATL
June 6, 2007 10:00 AM | Link to this
On topic sub-q: How many people have actually been asked by a date (not an SO) how much money they make? Do people actually do that? Or is it done in a subtle way? I can’t ever imagine a situation where I would even hint at asking someone I was dating how much money they made. And job titles are deceiving (I’m a perfect example!)
By Dark Brown
June 6, 2007 10:01 AM | Link to this
Go, Lady J!!! It is despicable when someone can be so miserable in their lives as to use a joyous occasion as an opportunity to attempt to bring you down. Not only is the old hag a sad sack, I can easily believe that she is jealous of you, your youth and the relationship that you had with her son at the time.
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 10:03 AM | Link to this
@Slim…that’s sad. Not making light of the situation, but whenever I hear of domestic violence cases I remember Martin Lawrence’s skit on “Run Tell That” …warning ladies about having boyfriends that are crazy and deranged….
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 10:09 AM | Link to this
GotThat How does a woman show she is Ms Independant non-verbally? Please provide an example. I mean it is a date in a resturant not a boardroom. I would think if a woman was trying to be Ms. Fat bankroll she would have shown her hand before you asked her out right? Who are these women, maybe one of them needs to be on here as a guest or if they are lurkering come out and say something in their own defense.
By T-Mango
June 6, 2007 10:10 AM | Link to this
SJ…I think we are on the same page and I agree “making money and money management are two different things.”
By Dark Brown
June 6, 2007 10:15 AM | Link to this
Money, power, respect. The keys to life.
By The Truth
June 6, 2007 10:16 AM | Link to this
Good morning to ev1 in Blogsville. My dam air conditioning went out and its hot as hell in here. OK, I’m exagerrating and the ac guy is here making repairs.
Someone on that Porsche Fox blog was using The Truth’s name. Dam impostors.
GAMAN I can rest now bruh. I didn’t want that thing turning into a Biggie/Tupac kinda thing. Blat can we get access to the beer frig now?
On topic. Alot has changed in the money department in the last few years. I’ve noticed more women volunteering to pay for meals, outtings, and even vacations which is a good thing. I’m still more traditional so over the long haul I’m gonna pay for 90-95% of the outtings but its nice to be asked out.
On the negative side, whether a woman has money or not she still wants the same thng in life. Homes, kids, vacations, etc… The only difference is a broke chick EXPECTS the guy to fund her fantasies while a chick with some loot can fund some of her own.
Is it just me or is a dutch date the most awkward thing in the world?
By SlimOne
June 6, 2007 10:18 AM | Link to this
Got that You can be independent and not let your strength be your weakness. Just like because I’m a man living in a man’s world doesn’t give me the right to be an overbearing, rude, obnoxious jackass I agree. What folks need to remember sometimes is ‘moderation’. No one wants to be around a person that’s constantly harping on how many degrees they have, how much money they make, how many chicks/men they have, or all the high dollar materialistic things you have. Too much is too much. However, I also believe that if you don’t want a SO to look at you like a bank account, don’t market yourself as one with all the gab about what you bring home.
IG I do think for the most part folks show you the red flags that we like to ignore. But it does appear that at times a person who you thought was perfectly sane, can mentally check out under stressful circumstances. Take the lady that ran her husband over in the parking lot of the hotel where he was cheating on his wife. You just never know what the next person’s breaking point it. Dayum, a hammer though? That’s insane in the membrane.
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 10:19 AM | Link to this
Dr. Kym…, two words: body language. When it comes to people, most communication is non-verbal. When dealing with relationships, even more so.
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 10:21 AM | Link to this
@Dark Brown…Girl my grandma told me the same thing…She was intimadted by me from the begining…I am straight forward and direct and helped her son out of college and she even thanked me for that…It is funny how having nothing sometimes can be an intimadeting factor…That is when you know you got it going on…And I am not the least be concieted but I know who I am and where I came from…Beauty is within inside not the dollar we make daily!!! It means nothing it you are not happy and letting it make you!!! Wow I am about to start shouting up in here!!! I had a happy tear fall!!!
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 10:27 AM | Link to this
One last thing Dark Brown her son is nothing like her…He has helped me since the day he left…I had to tell him to stop paying my rent in the start once I went back to work so money was a thing to her not him…It is good guys out there even my ex bless his heart!! That is it with that…Thanks Dark Brown!
By Dark Brown
June 6, 2007 10:28 AM | Link to this
@ Lady J - And the church said, “Amen!”
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 10:30 AM | Link to this
Got that I understand a person’s body language can speak volumes so what body language says I am too independant and I can pay my own way?
Because I think while body language is speaking the translation is getting lost.
By Melo
June 6, 2007 10:34 AM | Link to this
How do we show that we are willing to pay without sending a message of “I am Ms. Independent, don’t need you to pay my way! @Dr Kym the how comes out in the way you carry yourself as a person and how you communicate. Two people can say the same thing but differently and the impresiion that leaves to the listener will be different.That is the crux of the matter. Do you stil say it in a feminine and loving manner in such a way that your date,friend or husband will apreciate u more or do you kinda flaunt your ability that it leave them wondering about all the other things you have said in the past that it creates kinda of a pattern of thinking? A lot of times people get into conflict, rejection etc not so much because what was said was wron, but the way it was said creates resentment. My experience is that when(some) women taste or experience what they perceive to be an advantage or power, they flaunt it in the man’s face so much that even friends,family members, neighbors etc, get to know about it. That demeans the men and the relationship goes south. I will give u a practical example in my next post of some going on in my extended family right now.
By Sexione
June 6, 2007 10:39 AM | Link to this
AMEN!!!
By Wise Diva
June 6, 2007 10:39 AM | Link to this
Truth has a point there, why does “dutch” seem to take out the romance and chivalry and make you feel as if you are out with the boys/girls?
if we are to adjust things for modern dating and allow for the change in who pays, etc. will we still have the same ideals about romance?
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 10:39 AM | Link to this
Dr. Kym…, I have a question for you. Why do think people have to be different in the professional life than they do in their personal life?
By MusingLee
June 6, 2007 10:41 AM | Link to this
Morn’in All,
How do we show that we are willing to pay without sending a message of “I am Ms. Independent, don’t need you to pay my way!
Kym I think the best way to solve this is to offer to take the dude on the next date (assuming there is one)….I beleive that the Man should pay for the first date, that’s just how it is…but after about 3 dates my SO said “How about I treat you on our next date”…I knew then that I had a standup Woman…She didn’t throw anything in my face, she simply stated that she had a great time and wanted to treat me to a fun night out on our next date.
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 10:43 AM | Link to this
Got That I will address your question after you answer mine.
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 10:47 AM | Link to this
@Truth…About 2 weeks ago a friend I went to Re Lobster…I had a gift card…We sat at the bar…We ordered…I was so eagered to whip out the gc to the bar tender and pay…I pd after I placed my order…He paid at the end but he did inquire about my bill bc he had went to the restroom when I pd so he did not know I paid…It was a wierd feeling and a pink elephant but we silently ignored it and went on to the play I brought tix for…Your point is well taken something is removed when the dutch factor comes into play…Great point and Post!
By BlatinoBrutha -
June 6, 2007 10:52 AM | Link to this
Truth, see my 951 post.
By abc
June 6, 2007 10:53 AM | Link to this
I’ve never been on a dutch date. If she wants to pay and it’s important to her, that’s fine with me, otherwise I pay for everything. IMHO, any other approach is needlessly cheap — if you can’t afford to go on dates, don’t go!
By Mo (now known as Moeisha)
June 6, 2007 10:55 AM | Link to this
Morning ALL!! Happy Hump to Errbody!!**
I will step back in later to commnt.
Hair flip to the WLB and soft kisses to the MLB
For Real whats the song for the day?
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 10:55 AM | Link to this
@Truth….I agree going dutch can be awkward especially if your date isn’t fond of the idea.
@Slim…insane in the membrane..been a while since I’ve heard that line.lol.. True though.
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 11:00 AM | Link to this
I think alot of the things we are talking about with money have to do with internal struggles and past experiences. For example, I have met and dated quite a few guys from the Net. I personally will not response to a message from a man with a picture of himself standing posed arms outstretch in front of a car or home or bike..why? Because to me that is a bit flashy and shallow. Is your home and car what definds you as a person?
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this
*Dr. Kym…, body language is just that - a language. In the moment, it speaks volumes. Body language can’t always be verbalized. It would be like trying to explain how red is different from blue to a person who can’t see color. However, if you want to see an example, go to a restaurant and watch the interaction between people. You don’t have to hear what they may be saying to each other to get a gist of what’s going on. Then, think about your interactions with other people. Even though you may say nothing, what do you leave them with? Are they empowered? Do they want to be with you again?
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 11:04 AM | Link to this
Question Truth is the expectation of paying for the date from the guy that he wants something in return turned down when the woman pay? Meaning he has to be more direct with intentions beyond I brought you dinner so produce…Just want your opinion…It is like the expectations are set a little higher…JMO
By Sexione
June 6, 2007 11:05 AM | Link to this
Wise and Lady J I agree, that does seem to take something away from the date….makes it seem more like an outing with one of the girls/boys.
My question is this…
Why is it that (most) men seem to be hell bent on being the leader, or head of household (of course this on down the road, after the nuptials), or the one in charge because that is the way its supposed to be, but then have an issue being that way in dating? If you know (or have a pretty good idea) that this is a woman you would like to build something with, why does she have to prove anything by paying for a date? I have no problem allowing a man to be a man, and ultimately heading our household, or even treating on an outing if I choose to, but it seems that if a woman doesn’t do this then she is a bad person, or the man is ready to discredit/label her. Any man that concerned with/attached to his money would definitely not be someone I would want to date…let alone build anything with. I will treat ONLY if I want to, not because it’s expected or he’s going to think a certain way of me.
By NCGirlfromATL
June 6, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this
if you can’t afford to go on dates, don’t go!
Let the church say, Amen!
Every date doesn’t have to be to Morton’s, people! Lawd! I have been on dates where he had a gift certificate to a place, and wasn’t going to use it by himself, so why not spend it on some time w/ me? Had a great time, and no one worried about how much was spent that night.
Why is it that gift certificates don’t feel as cheap as coupons? LOLOL!
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 11:07 AM | Link to this
Wisey and others how is it weird? I mean come on if this is a first date why not treat it like a meet and greet..you get to know me I get to know you and not your wallet or purse. Each person pays their way and if there another date whoever says you want to go out again pays. I mean why spend the rest of your evening mulling over the question of “oh she think she got it like that because she paid.” or “here goes another chick in my pocket.” I mean as a relationship progress there will be time for wine and romance from both involved..why get your panties in a bunch during the meet and greet phase?
By The Truth
June 6, 2007 11:12 AM | Link to this
A few years ago a chick called me and asked me out and “stressed” it would be dutch. Maybe she just wanted some company but it was so impersonal. I didn’t go. My rule is if I ask I pay.
Musing is 100% correct, dude should always pay for the first date, unless its Oprah. Ok, he’s 99.9999% right.
If you read the front of ajc.com (sorry **WD) you get the impression the world has lost its fuggin mind. 120 rats, wtf?
LadyJ are you still seeing the guy or did that experience wierd him out?
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 11:14 AM | Link to this
@Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert…I see your point but that was not our first outing…It just was a wierd feeling can’t explain it but your point is well taken…
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 11:15 AM | Link to this
Got That so your answer is there is no answer.
To answer your question: Why do you think people have to be different in the professional life than they do in their personal life?
Because in your professional life you are working to provide security for yourself or love ones. You can’t and should not be homegirl from the block at work. That is why it is your professional life.
When you are home with family and friends then it is personal, you are relaxed. It doesn’t mean the two cant cross but as the old folks say there is a time and a place for everything.
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 11:20 AM | Link to this
@Sexi….girl you about to take this conversation to the ugly…that a spill over from yesterday…regarding leadership roles…..I’m about to go pop some popcorn.
By Wise Diva
June 6, 2007 11:21 AM | Link to this
Sexione, you said, I will treat ONLY if I want to, not because it’s expected or he’s going to think a certain way of me
ok, now if a guy felt this way, would you be attracted to him?
@ Dr. Kym, I don’t think it SHOULD take out the romance, but I think there is a shift sometimes because of our pre-conceived ideas about dating, male/female roles, etc.
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 11:22 AM | Link to this
why does “dutch” seem to take out the romance and chivalry and make you feel as if you are out with the boys/girls? Personally, I don’t think it does remove the romance and chivalry because when I go out with friends we can either go dutch or someone will pick up the entire tab and there’s nothing romantic about hanging out with friends. Just the same, there’s nothing inherently romantic about someone paying a bill. Who pays the bill is simply a transaction, just like sex. If the conversation is great and there is bilateral interest, that’s what makes the moment. It’s the harmonious interaction of two humans in a communication dance that creates romance and chivalry.
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 11:26 AM | Link to this
Truth he handle it like a man…I think it was a sheer turn on that every chick in the A don’t want his money, move in his house, etc…
By GA.man
June 6, 2007 11:27 AM | Link to this
Well…i guess i am just old fashion..so if i ask a woman out..i will pay
I mean, why not i was going to do it anyway…you i.e eat, check out that movie…whatever….just keep it real and the rest will come
But i do agree with who ever said it earlier…”if you cant afford to date …then just stay yo broke azzzz at home and watch cable…lol
Truth naw all is cool now, we dont hold grudes..lolol (Like you know who)
By NCGirlfromATL
June 6, 2007 11:30 AM | Link to this
Dr. Kym for me, unless it’s a blind date (which I generally don’t do), we’ve already done the meet and greet. When it’s date time, it’s date time. And I agree with Truth, it feels very impersonal. And (to me) it makes the money issue a bigger deal than it might actually be, when you make the point of saying “let’s go dutch” on the first date.
By For Real
June 6, 2007 11:31 AM | Link to this
What up Blog Fam!!!
I agree with T-Mango making money and money management are two different things. Also, if we are not heading towards marriage how much you make and how much I make is not a topic for discussion.
How do we show that we are willing to pay without sending a message of “I am Ms. Independent, don’t need you to pay my way!
Kym It is simple. If you ask me out come pick me up (if possible) and pay for the date. I cannot stand it when a women ask me out and then expects me to pay for it.
Mo Here you go. Tell me what you think.
Time can never mend the careless whispers, of a good friend To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind There’s no comfort in the truth Pain is all you’ll find
Should’ve known better
I feel so unsure As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor As the music dies, something in your eyes Calls to mind the silver screen And all its sad good-byes
I’m never gonna dance again Guilty feet have got no rhythm Though it’s easy to pretend I know your not a fool
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 11:32 AM | Link to this
Dr. Kym, no. My answer was to go and watch. There is a realm of human interaction that goes beyond the power of words. There are emotions that can’t be expressed outside the domain of emotions. Trying to express it in words causes it to lose something. It’s like looking someone in the eyes and just being with them without speaking. There’s something there, in that space and it can’t be put into words. That’s the domain of language of the unspoken. The domain of being is our natural state. That’s why we’re called human being. If you spend all your time trying to describe in words what’s happening in the moment, there are very momentous things that will be missed.
By Sexione
June 6, 2007 11:35 AM | Link to this
IG oohhh, I missed that on yesterday……maybe I’ll pop some corn too! lol
Wise For me, the attraction is deeper than who’s paying for the date. If a guy felt this way about me, then he would never get around to asking me out, I guess, unless it was to something free….which is cool too. I’m old skool, so I’m used to the man taking the lead. That’s why I’m so turned off by all of this who’s paying for what. Man is the head, right? Then by all means, handle it! See men talk about being this way, but then flip it when it’s not what they want to do. For me it’s either you is or you ain’t.
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 11:39 AM | Link to this
GA.man, I’m with you. If I call a woman and ask her out, then I am expecting to pay because I initiated the date. She could be low on cash and be laying low at home. If a woman calls me and asks me out, while I’ll still be prepared to pay, she should be willing to pay because she initiated the date. I could be low on cash and laying low at home.
By Sexione
June 6, 2007 11:41 AM | Link to this
Off topic…
I’m thinking of going to Wednesday Winddown today…..what’s the parking like around the park? I haven’t been down there in a while
By Wise Diva
June 6, 2007 11:46 AM | Link to this
LOL @ Sexione, “either you is or you ain’t”..I hear you, chica.
By GA.man
June 6, 2007 11:46 AM | Link to this
Got that? i feel you..i have had moments where i just wanted to hang and didnt want to go bymyself…so i ask a lady….if she says yes then i know i got that…..
I have had ladies ask me to go to some very expensive places…but i am man enough to say..I aint rolling like that now…maybe another time…then the lady said i got you..so i went…To thy own self be true
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this
Wise Diva, given the fact that things are so different today, what is romance?
By The Truth
June 6, 2007 11:47 AM | Link to this
LadyJ I don’t think there’s an expectation but I think there’s a natural order to things and that mugs it up. Thats why yesterday I was asking is all this a blip on the screen or are these longterm changes in the dating process. Its has absolutely nothing to do with sex but about being a man and knowing I can take care of someone I choose to have in my life. If I can’t even feed a woman I’m like wtf is wrong with me?
DrKym I have been thinking of using the internet for dating and asked about it last week. T-Mango chimed in on this topic. After breaking up with ol girl a while back I was looking at the women I knew to kick it with and I truely don’t want to go back there buts its always so easy because I’ve been there before. I just want to meet someone new and in a different mold than the chicks I know. Its hard to explain. Anyway, what do you think of net dating?
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 11:48 AM | Link to this
Got That I asked for an example because I truly believe that all the feelings of weirdness are internal and I guess to a extent preconcieved notions that because this is the way it was 50 years ago this is the way it should be now. I was asking for an example to compare to my own experiences I was asking because apparently there is this segment of women out there that you menfolks run into who have tricked you out of meals, money and more or the other segment of women who apparently have made you feel “less than a man” because she said, did, or behave a certain way. So now you practice the once bitten and twice shy philosphy with ever woman you meet.
Lady J, my question to you is if had the gift certificate before hand why didnt you just say. Hey this evening is on me? I mean why wait until he went to the restroom to use it?
By GA.man
June 6, 2007 11:50 AM | Link to this
You can be sure of one thing..from me atleast…the following will get paid before i think about going any where
Rent(Mortage)
Gapower
Cable
Car insurance
Life Insurance( got to take care of Lil GaMan
Car note
Food
Savings(got to pay myself)
Now once this is done…i look at what is left..now the fun begins
But you can be dammmn sur GaMan aint gonna have his isshh cut off trying to impress no dang gome woman
By Jake
June 6, 2007 11:50 AM | Link to this
What it is peeps?
Been workin and lurkin.
Its pretty much a given that a dude should pay the initial “courtship fees”, and ABC is right, if you can’t afford to date, you should chill or pull a Dave Chappelle in “Half Baked”.
SeanJ, daps on the 9:58, so few understand the concept.
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 11:51 AM | Link to this
By Got That agree…facial expression, posture…it tells so much. I remember meeting a former co-worker for the first time a few years back- she gave me this short and impolite handshake…it was just so odd. That small interaction said a lot about her personality and attitude.
By Wise Diva
June 6, 2007 11:59 AM | Link to this
Got that, you know honestly, for me, I have met/dated the type of men that used money to show me their interest. It wasn’t until the last 2-3 years that I have met more men who are able (or are willing) to romance me without a lot of money - some I had to actually challenge to it. I would say, can you plan something for us that doesn’t cost money? Just to see how creative and fun we could make it.
It seems as if it was easier for men to prove how much they like me based on the Zagat survey rating, as opposed to my particular interests, or preference. Romance for some people seem to come easier with money spent.
SO for me, romance is about chivalry, and making effort to make someone feel special, but it definitely does not require a lot of money.
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 12:01 PM | Link to this
Truth I think of internet dating the same way as regular dating. You meet some great ones and some not so great ones. It is also about where you go to meet people. If you meet them in a sex chat..well you get what you get. If you go to some of the online communites with others that share your interest then you may meet someone who is on your level. Actually I gave up dating about two months ago.
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 12:06 PM | Link to this
@GA….what about your haircut?lol….you can’t go out looking bushy…
By Sexione
June 6, 2007 12:09 PM | Link to this
Dr.Kym Actually I gave up dating about two months ago. Why? if I am not getting too far into your business…..I ask because I have taken myself out of the dating game too, but it’s been much longer than two months.
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 12:10 PM | Link to this
@Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert…I am not sure why I did that the way I did..
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 12:13 PM | Link to this
I am doing WWD today and so looking forward to it…I get there early to find a free park by The Mark…
By Tiff
June 6, 2007 12:17 PM | Link to this
For Real I know that song wasn’t for me but its one of my favorites!!
Off topic My Birthday is Sunday and I’m trying to find something to do to set if off this weekend..any ideas anyone??
On Topic I am a firm believer that if I invite you to an outing then I am going to pay for it. I’ve had instances where the guys were shocked that I was willing to pay and I didn’t understand it. Like someone said..if I invited you I’m should be willing to pay because you may be having a funny money week. LOL
By Sexione
June 6, 2007 12:18 PM | Link to this
LadyJ The Mark?
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 12:21 PM | Link to this
Dr. Kym, there is this segment of women out there that you menfolks run into who have tricked you out of meals, money and more or the other segment of women who apparently have made you feel “less than a man” because she said, did, or behave a certain way. So now you practice the once bitten and twice shy philosphy with ever woman you meet. In dealing with people, I’ve run into all sorts. I don’t let how one person treats me affect how I deal with the next. Everyone is different and is dealt with on that basis. No one can make me feel “less than a man” at any time. I do not give away my power.
By Dr. Kym-Relationship Expert
June 6, 2007 12:21 PM | Link to this
Sexione I dont mind answering. I gave up because frankly I am too old to play some of the games that I have experienced out there.
Dont ask me why but I am excited about turn 35 this year. I am in this phase of my life where I dont want to waste my time playing anyone’s mind games so two months ago I figured the saying about if you do what you have always done..you get what you have always gotten was dead on and I decided to focus on some things I have always wanted to do.
Volunteering was at the top of the list so I joined Hands on Atlanta and I am loving it.
Besides it is summer(well almost) and why in the world would I waste a day of it trying to figure out what some guy is thinking or not thinking. I planned some outings with my sisters, friends and family.
By GA.man
June 6, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this
Island Gurrrrll you know i got to get that done…went this morning to get it hooked up…lol
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 12:22 PM | Link to this
@LadyJ…what is a good time to get to the park?
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 12:23 PM | Link to this
@Got that?…11:22post…That is a different perspective that changes the entire outlook on going dutch…Lady J taking notes…lolol Good post!
By The Truth
June 6, 2007 12:26 PM | Link to this
DrKym that was another option, taking a break. But I got to have some azz and its to risky to take pot shots out there. I may just chill with an old head for the booty, fully disclosed of course, and wait for a better day. This is like adult time- out. LOL
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 12:27 PM | Link to this
3:30-4:30…People getting of working and leaving appointments…I get off @ 3:15 and the school I am at for the summer is off 85 so I will be ther in no time…Are you going?
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 12:30 PM | Link to this
Sexione…Yeah the Mark it is a club by the Sidebar on Poplar street I think with great parks that time of day…
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 12:33 PM | Link to this
Lady J, thanks!
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 12:35 PM | Link to this
@Kym…35 yrs is not old. I will be hitting 35 later this year as well. I agree with your mindset though, too many games and players. It really helps when you keep yourself busy and your focus on other things. I recently picked out a side gig working with disabled adults for the same reason…and extra cash of course.
By Mo (now known as Moeisha)
June 6, 2007 12:36 PM | Link to this
For Real I am over here singing and rockin as usual!! You have done well!! I am lovin it!! LOL!
I’m still trying to catch up, you guys have been on it today!!
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 12:42 PM | Link to this
@Truth….only guys can say stuff like that openly. How about women that take a break from dating, but would like to have regular maintenance..(from a friend that knows it’s like that)..we can’t openly admit that and not sound nasty.
By Got that?
June 6, 2007 12:42 PM | Link to this
Lady J, perspective is like a picture frame. You can put a marginal picture in a great frame and the picture somehow looks better. Or, you can take a great picture and put it in a bad frame and it loses its appeal. A shift in perspective will alter how you view life. You can frame it positively or negatively and have vastly different experiences of the same event.
By GA.man
June 6, 2007 12:43 PM | Link to this
If you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
By Sexione
June 6, 2007 12:46 PM | Link to this
LadyJ cool, I’m going too so I will definitely be looking for a parking there. I get off about 3, so I’ll be heading down then. Are you going alone?
DrKym I feel you 100%. That is exactly why I have excluded myself. Too old for the silly games. And I’m much more interested in raising my child right and doing things with her than to be putting up with meeting dudes who want to get an attitude because they’re not my type, no matter how cool and down to earth I am. If there’s no attraction, and you’re both good people, whats wrong with just chalking it up to a friend gained…..I know the dreaded for men, but really!!! The dreaded FZ would not be so dreaded if it came with benefits!!! Oh well, it is what it is. I am peacefully happy in singledom.
By IslandGirl
June 6, 2007 12:46 PM | Link to this
@LadyJ…I plan to go, but won’t get there until 5:30-6:00pm. Hope I can still get a good spot.
By Wise Diva
June 6, 2007 12:50 PM | Link to this
Ladies, has a guy you were dating ever asked to borrow money from you? IF so, what did you say, and did that mean the end of the road for him?
By Lady J
June 6, 2007 12:57 PM | Link to this
Sexione…There will be three different party of friends I will be mingling with…I will be all over the the park…So when I first get there I will be solo for a sec Iwhile I try to figure out how to sneak the bottle in..lolol Hope to see you!:)
IG you will be fine hope to see you too!!
If not everyone enjoy the evening of free jazz…Wed is my favorite dy of the week!!!:)