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AJC.com > Living > Blog > Archives > 2007 > May
May 2007
Dream on
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I recently had an incredibly intense dream about my first serious boyfriend, the guy who I dated years ago, through high school and college. In the dream, which was very detailed and realistic, we were getting married, I was talking to his parents and friends about the engagement, we were picking out a ring, etc.
My friend Malia says she has dreamed about exes for night after night after a breakup, so I guess I am not alone, although I felt like it was unusual that it happened so long after the fact — I rarely think of him anymore. After the dream, feeling shaken, I went to look online at some dream interpretation sites to see what it all meant.
While I found a lot of interesting ideas, this was one that I found especially resonant: “Either way, dreaming about your ex-romance does not necessarily predict future involvement. It may be wish fulfillment, reliving memories, or working out old issues … We learn about ourselves through others, and probably our most valuable possessions are our relationships.”
I also found an interesting article about dream interpretation from Shape magazine that said this: “Learning how to interpret dreams may be a key to understanding your partner and, thus, a better romantic partnership, according to research that compared 40 unmarried couples’ satisfaction with their relationships. Half the couples were asked to interpret their own and their partners’ dreams and how they related to their relationship. At the end of the study, women who’d done this said they felt more empathy for their partner and were happier with their relationship than women who didn’t do dream interpretation were. (Unfortunately, there seemed to be no such effect on men.)”
I have also had the experience of having a sexual or romantic dream about someone I know, usually casually, and then feeling totally weird when I see them in person the next time — it’s almost like they know! Malia confirmed this is something she goes through too. How about y’all?
Have you ever had a dream about an ex that left you particularly rattled? A dream about a current partner that made you worried, or gave you provocative thoughts about some aspect of the relationship? A dream about someone who you didn’t think you were interested in, but which gave you second thoughts?
How much stock do you put in dreams as a predictor of your emotions and feelings about your love life?
Do you think of your dreams as a tool for understanding your needs and wants better? How can this be applied to your relationships? Even if you don’t usually think of this, have you had a dream lately that you think might be saying something about your romantic life, desires or interests?
Permalink | Comments (122) | Categories: Dating
Something you forgot to mention…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Over the weekend, one of my male friends hooked up with a married woman. Sort of.
As he tells the story, he was hanging out at a bar and ran into the woman in question, an old friend who he hadn’t seen in a while. Lots of alcohol was consumed, and they ended up heading back to her apartment.
What he didn’t know — until after the fact — was that she was not only married, but in the process of going through a divorce, and in fact, in addition to having an on-the-way-out husband, she also has a boyfriend.
Knowing what he knows now about her entanglements, he says he wouldn’t do it again. He feels guilty — although, he says, “In my defense, I was three sheets to the wind, and I didn’t know. And weirdly enough, when I found out, I felt more bad about the boyfriend than the husband. ‘Cause the husband was already getting out of the picture. Boyfriend still in picture.”
Once he found out, he said, he got out of there as quickly as possible. “That was pretty much it. She wanted me to stay and sleep, but I begged off. My brain was thinking, ‘Man, there could be two different guys who bust in on you with their girl. You had better get home.’”
In this situation, what was the woman’s responsibility to tell my friend about her status (and boyfriend, for that matter)? What was my friend’s responsibility? If he didn’t know, is he off the hook, guilt-wise? How can you know that someone isn’t really as single as they’re acting?
Leaving the boyfriend aside for a moment, do you consider separated folks or those in the process of a divorce fair game, or will you only pursue those who are single in the eyes of the law?
Have you ever unknowingly hooked up with someone who didn’t mention that they were married or involved with someone else? How did you find out? What happened?
Permalink | Comments (229) | Categories: Dating
One plus one equals….how many?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hello everyone! I hope you had a wonderful long weekend and enjoyed the beautiful (albeit occasionally smoky) weather.
I ended up spending much of my weekend, both in Atlanta and out of town, with several of my friends who happen to be married couples about my age. Although none of them have current plans to try to conceive a child, it is certainly a common topic of discussion with them — especially when will they start to try and how many would they like to have.
A lot of women, and, I expect, men as well, have an idea in their head well before they actually start a family about how many kids they picture themselves having. Sometimes they’ll even pick out names, gender preferences, etc.
I know that some of my married-but-not-parents-yet-friends get asked a lot of nosy questions, especially by relatives who would love to see a little cousin or grandchild or nephew/niece added to the family! So now I will pose those same nosy questions to you.
Do you have children now? Do you plan to have them some day? Why or why not?
What factors have played or might in the future play into the timing of your decision of when to conceive?
Is it essential for you to be married to have a child? How about to be in a relationship?
Have you and your partner ever disagreed about whether you should have a child or when? How did you resolve it?
Whether you are currently married or single, do you have a “blueprint” for when you would ideally love to have kids? How did you arrive at it?
Permalink | Comments (97) | Categories: Family
It’s just a fantasy
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
The good people over at Dove produced a “short film” entitled Evolution that depicts a model being transformed from her natural appearance (sans makeup, no airbrushing, etc.) to the final look that is prepared for a print ad. It’s interesting how this print ad shows how many images of beauty are manufactured. They pose a really interesting question, “How did our idea of beauty get so distorted?”
I wondered if many of us are seeking out what we see in media images when we are dating?
We all know that looks matter, but how far are we taking that idea? Reality or fantasy?
Do men hold women to an unfair standard of beauty that doesn’t actually exist?
Do women think that a man’s height, hair, or body has to look like what we see in movies, music industry, or television? It’s no accident that each guy on The Bachelor had those classic good looks and career. Again, this is manufactured fantasy, do we buy into it too much?
What are your thoughts on the Evolution film? What kind of message do you get from it?
My friend Panama said that while the film makes a good point, there are women in the world that have stunning looks. He doesn’t really see a problem with how women are “manufactured” in print ads and on television. According to him, men are smart enough to know that what they see in the media is part fantasy and they don’t expect the women they date to look like that all the time. Guys, you agree?
Permalink | Comments (210) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Make the love jones last
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
There is a line in one of my all-time favorite films, Love Jones, that I like to keep in mind in dating: When people who have been together a long time say that the romance is gone, what they really mean is that they have exhausted the possibilities (paraphrasing).
When you are dating some new, it is especially important for a couple to keep that chemistry red hot. That’s the sweetest stage of the relationship! When we talked about showing appreciation in dating yesterday, I wondered how we could even get to that point when our interest wanes so quickly!
I am trying to get over my ADD when it comes to men, but I promise you, I flake out and get bored sometimes. It could be part of my perpetually single behavior, so I am trying to handle things better. If I have a real connection with a guy, I try to keep him (and me) interested by doing different things. Here are a few things that have worked for me:
Keep phone calls limited to arranging dates and general calls to check on him. I think it also helps to limit text messaging, instant messaging, and emails as the primary communication. Taking the time to get in quality “face time” intensifies the desire to see each other.
Avoid sex. I know, I know this is tough. When you have crazy chemistry (ideally?) then you want to rip your date’s clothes off as soon as you lay eyes on them. I have found that waiting helps me see the guy for who he is, not for the O’s he can serve up.
Mental seduction. When you have a good connection, a great way to deepen your interest is to mentally stimulate one another. There are many ways to do this! I have found that a quiet space with someone I have the hots for is such a turn on. We can be playing scrabble, listening to music on my balcony, or even taking a cooking class together - major love jone potential!
I also like to discuss and debate different topics with the guys I date. When I am with an exceptionally intelligent guy, it’s like an aphrodisiac when we engage in great conversations. Oh, and if he has an extensive vocabulary? Drool
What are ways you keep your date interested? Do you find it tough to keep a guy or girl “on deck” for weeks at a time? Is it possible to create chemistry or should it be a natural spark?
If you are in a relationship, how do you find ways to keep things fresh and exciting?
Permalink | Comments (225) | Categories: Dating
Dating Etiquette..What’s That?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Male/Mail Call! One of our male readers posed a really interesting question to Laney and I:
“I was writing because in Atlanta, I’ve noticed that guys/girls both complain alot about the dating scene. I was curious if you think there is some type of dating etiquette that no one knows exist. Sort of like general rules that everyone should play by?”
Wow, dating etiquette? Doesn’t that sound like an oxymoron? What do you think dating etiquette is? How do you define it?
Do you think there are general dating rules that everyone should play by?
In your experience, is the dating scene in Atlanta really that bad? Are there really rude, ungrateful, ill-mannered, single people running rampant in Atlanta’s dating scene?
Truthfully, I have noticed that some guys that relocate here usually have a “good guy personality” shelf-life of about six months. Something happens and before long “No More Mr. Nice Guy” shows up.
Since I have moved here, I admit that I have a total new outlook on dating. I was even Mayor of Bitter City for a term (or two) after my own misadventures. I have to say, staying optimistic about dating can be tough sometimes!
What is it about Atlanta that changes single people’s attitude about dating? More importantly, how can we keep our wits about us despite all the dating drama?
Permalink | Comments (248) | Categories: Dating
Taking dating cues from men
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
You guys know that I am on a quest to understand men more. I know, good luck with that, right? As I observe their mating habits, wooing techniques, and dating rituals, I have come to realize that men are brilliant when it comes to dating.
Now, I am not saying that women are completely clueless about dating, but I am woman enough to admit that guys seem to be hard wired for certain things that we aren’t. This enables men to navigate dating and mate selection with a totally different approach.
Which male dating ritual do I covet the most? Men are picky! Seriously, when it comes to choosing their wives, men seem to select someone who is perfect for them in just about every way that matters to them: supportive, beautiful, hot body, doesn’t nag, cooks well - and like it, and the list goes on and on.
As for women? Well, let’s just say we are a lot more forgiving. We will “trade off” a hot body if the guy has a heart of gold. We will convince ourselves that his receding hairline is sexy because we find the way he treats us endearing and addictive. We deal with his prison records, his poor choices from his past, and yes, even his pitiful bank account. Why? Because we are women, and that’s what we do. Well, it’s way more complex than that but basically: we nurture, acquiesce, compromise, support, blah, blah, blah.
Well, I for one, would like to try the man’s approach. I want a supportive man, with a hot body, who doesn’t nag me to death, who cooks like that hot chef, G. Garvin, and most of all adores me. Surely, my cooking, non-nagging, supportive prince will come along, right? Yeah, it could totally happen!
So who do you think is choosier in dating: men or women? Who is more picky when it comes to marriage?
Ladies, have you ever felt that you were a bit too accommodating or too understanding? Have you regretted it?
How can we avoid being too picky, or should we?
How can we ensure that we have realistic standards?
Guys, what is your secret when it comes to choosing your future wives? Do you admit that you are choosy when you date?
Permalink | Comments (207) | Categories: Dating
A league of their own
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
We’ve all heard the saying, “Boys will be boys” and how men “sow their oats” when they are single. Usually these phrases are used to explain how men are in a league of their own when it comes to the number of partners they have had. A league different from women. Of course, the double standard exists because women are held to an entirely different standard. Some people buy into that, some people don’t.
When one of our male readers shared his jaw dropping magic number, many women were shocked and awed about the number - including me! All judgment aside, though, what are the real concerns women have with men who have had countless of partners? Is there some intimidation involved?
A lot of guys don’t realize how their “seasoned” past can sometimes send a certain message about them. It raises a lot of questions and real concerns with the women they date. Women know that the same concerns would exist if it were the other way around.
So what happens when a woman is not comfortable with her man’s magic number? Ladies have you ever dumped a guy over something like this?
When you are dating someone new, is it even a good idea to mention actual numbers of past conquests? Is it tacky to share those kind of details?
A male friend of mine once told him he his number, but he insisted it wasn’t something he was exactly proud of. He has moved past the stage of conquering women and meaningless hookups. He is only 26 years old and he has said that he is already at the point where he isn’t looking to up his number too much. Do guys usually reach this point after a certain number of encounters?
When do men usually say to themselves, “I don’t want to be a player anymore?”
Permalink | Comments (110) | Categories: Dating
Double your pleasure?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My friend Cookie recently met a nice guy. They exchanged numbers, and pretty soon, he called her up to ask her to the movies. Sounds great, right?
Well, there was a little caveat. He said that he’d like to bring along his brother, and suggested that she might like to bring a friend as well, so they could all go together.
Cookie’s other friends and I reassured her that he’s just shy, and that maybe this was his way of testing the waters without too much pressure. Hopefully, we said, if she says OK and it goes well, a one-on-one date will follow. She agreed, but after the movie outing, she wasn’t sure how much she could tell about whether it would work or not. Was he too shy? And how much can you really tell about a relationship’s potential dynamics in a group, anyway?
So now I’ll turn it over to you guys in hopes of getting a definitive answer for Cookie as to whether this is weird or not. Have you ever been in this situation — either initiating a group date, or being asked on one? What would you do if you were asked to go on one, like Cookie?
Do you find group dates or double dates less intimidating? Is it something you would suggest out of shyness or to “test the waters”?
What can you learn about the other person on a group date that you might not learn one-on-one? What can’t you learn in such a situation?
Permalink | Comments (169) | Categories: Dating
The running of the brides
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Memorial Day weekend is coming up, and you know what that signifies on the calendar… You can start wearing white. But more importantly, so can the brides.
That’s right, folks, wedding season is upon us.
This year seems to be a pretty active one for me in terms of hearing weddings and engagements popping up around every corner. I guess that’s natural in your mid-20s, but I am definitely starting to feel like everyone I know is married or getting married except me! And when I start to feel like that, the only thing I can do is take solace in the idea of a wedding with an open bar.
Weddings can be a real minefield for a single person. You have to watch the happy couple at the center of the event be all schmoopy with each other, of course. That can be wonderful, or it can be really hard on a singleton. But some of the tougher things that people often don’t think about — well, No. 1 has to be finding a date for a wedding. Asking someone to accompany you to a wedding often feels like a big step, the kind of thing you don’t want to do with a friend-with-benefits or someone you’re just dating casual, because it implies Relationship and Public Display of Said Relationship. And if you don’t go with a date, you don’t have a built-in partner in crime to laugh at the bride’s drunk Aunt Myrtle with, and you may have to sit out when you could be dancing.
Even if you’re in a relationship, weddings can bring up tough times. It can lead to some uncomfortable moments when your SO turns to you and says “I never want to have a big wedding like this!” just when you’re feeling starry-eyed over the flowers and dress and decorations. It definitely gets couples thinking about their own prospective marital future: for better or for worse.
Do you enjoy weddings or dread them? How does your status (ie, single, in a relationship, etc) contribute to your enjoyment of these events? How do weddings make you feel about your own marital future?
Do you feel like there are a lot of weddings in your social circle this spring and summer?
Have you had any particularly memorable moments as a guest at a wedding?
Permalink | Comments (184) | Categories: Matters of the Heart
The next contestant on the dating game?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Yesterday we talked about dating someone famous — so let’s put a little spin on that. What if you became famous FOR your dating life?
No, I’m not talking about myself (hahaha). I’m talking about those standbys of our guilty pleasure lives — reality TV dating shows. It seems that there’s more out there than ever these days! Whatever your pleasure, there’s something, from the syndicated ones (Elimidate, Blind Date, etc — do they still make these?) to The Bachelor/The Bachelorette to I Love New York and Flavor of Love.
Would you ever consider participating in a dating competition on TV? Why or why not? Which one would you want to participate in, and why?
Do you think that the contestants who claim to find love on these shows are finding the real thing? Trista and Ryan from The Bachelorette are still married, and the new Bachelor has been claiming in the news media that the woman he chooses this time around is The One for him.
Do you watch these shows? Do you think you can learn anything about romantic relationships from them — either what to do, or what NOT to do?
And for those of you who might want to give it a try yourselves…The Bachelor is holding open calls for female contestants in Atlanta this weekend. Check out the details below — and if you go try out, you’re obligated to come tell us about it!
Saturday, May 19 Tongue & Groove 3055 Peachtree Rd NE, Atlanta 9 pm-midnight
Saturday, May 19 & Sunday, May 20 38th Bell South Classic PGA at TPC, Sugarloaf Sugarloaf Country Club 2595 Sugarloaf Club Drive, Duluth
Monday, May 21 Ten Pin Alley Atlantic Station 5-11 pm
Tuesday, May 22 Buckhead Crunch Fitness 3365 Piedmont Road, Atlanta 3-8 pm
Permalink | Comments (125) | Categories: Pop Culture
Dating with the stars
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last week, I was skimming through the NY Daily News gossip column (gotta keep up with my celebrity news!) when much to my surprise, the very distinctive name of a friend of mine from high school stopped me in my tracks. She’s a budding actress who had a part in a film playing at the Tribeca Film Festival, and — according to the item — it seems she left the party for the film’s premiere with a high-profile (and very cute!) TV and movie star.
I have another friend who has had an on-again-off-again dalliance with a hot young actor who is currently starring on a hit TV series.
My initial response, of course, is “Why can’t this happen to me!” But these type of celebrity-commoner matchups aren’t as uncommon as it may seem. While some A-listers use their advantages to land equally high-profile partners (ie, Brangelina), others prefer to date outside the limelight. Think of Big Boi’s wife Sherlita Patterson; Julia Roberts’ hubby, cameraman Danny Moder; or Mel Gibson’s wife since 1980, Robyn (bless her heart). Chris O’Donnell is married to an elementary school teacher whom he met in college, and they have four children. Keri Russell. Nicolas Cage. The list goes on and on.
I recently read an article in the New York Times about just this phenomenon, in fact, profiling a matchmaking service that aims to help celebrities who are tired of the high demands of dating other celebrities find their match among everyday people. I wonder if this service would like to offer me a trial membership?
Would you want to date a celebrity? I know this may seem like a simple, easy question with the answer being “of course,” but think of all the additional stresses it could bring to the relationship — media attention and constant scrutiny, fending off groupies, a difficult schedule. Paparazzi harassment has been blamed in part for the recent breakup of “normal person” Kate Middleton and Prince William. Considering all the pros and cons, what would you do if the opportunity presented itself?
Or would it depend on the celebrity? ;)
I have a friend whose current boyfriend dated a fairly well-known actress in the past. Would you be able to date someone who had dated a celeb, or would you be too intimidated?
Do you think celeb-celeb or celeb-nonceleb couples are more likely to last? Why?
Permalink | Comments (185) | Categories: Dating
Chicken soup for the soul
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Hello everyone! I missed you muchly while I was in the midst of recovery from my tonsillectomy and sinus surgery! Thanks again to Wise Diva for holding down the fort and Bella for filling in again. I was checking in on y’all, even if it was too much effort to write.
I think the worst part of my recovery, once the immediate pain had passed of course, was how helpless I felt. For about two weeks, it was a lot of effort to move over enough in bed to find the remote or my medicine, let alone to get up and walk to the kitchen to get something to drink! And forget about being able to walk my dog, or run errands if I ran out of something, or cook anything more involved than hitting start on the microwave.
I’m a pretty independent woman, and I definitely am not the type to rely on a guy to take care of me during the normal course of things. But I couldn’t help but find myself thinking it would have been pretty nice to have a boyfriend to come pamper me and take care of me during my post-surgical convalescence.
What do you do — or have you done in the past — when your significant other is sick? Are you a hands-on nurse, or do you try to give them their space?
When you are sick, do you want your partner to take care of you? What things would you want them to do?
What level of “taking care of you” do you expect early in the relationship vs. later on down the road?
Have you ever had a situation where someone you were dating became ill with something more than just a cold or the chicken pox — cancer, or something else very serious and chronic? How did you react to that? Would you stick around while they recovered? I am reminded of a book I really like, The Dive From Clausen’s Pier by Ann Packer, wherein the main character’s boyfriend is paralyzed in a diving accident. She leaves him (which she was planning to do before the accident, not because of the accident) and incurs the scorn of a lot of people — but are you obligated to stay with a sick or injured partner just because they are sick?
Permalink | Comments (103) | Categories: Relationships
Mom’s the word
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I hope everyone knows that this Sunday is Mother’s Day. When I think of my fabulous mother, the ORIGINAL Wise Diva, I can’t help but remember all the wonderful advice, insight, and support she has given me about life, love, and relationships. She certainly understands that it’s a completely different era than when she was single. I wish I could list everything she has taught me about dating, but that would be an endless list! So, I will chime in during the day to share the gems of wisdom my mother has given me. I want to hear from you guys what your mothers have taught you too.
What advice or tips did your mother, or mother figure tell you about dating, relationships, or love?
Did you listen to her advice? How has it helped you?
Has your mother ever given you “tough love” when it comes to your dating experiences?
What is your favorite memory of you and your mother?
What are your plans for Mother’s Day?
Happy Mother’s Day to ALL the mothers!
Permalink | Comments (169) | Categories: Holidays
When she has a past
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Last year, I discovered that someone I know was in the adult entertainment industry. I had no idea she was involved in that sort of thing, so I was really shocked when I found out. When I asked her about it, she assured me she was happy with her choices. I couldn’t help but wonder how she would feel about this in a couple of years. Will she be able to deal with this when she is dating someone new? How does she bring this part of her past up? What about when she was ready to marry and have a family?
So guys, let me give you a scenario: You meet a great girl and you like everything about her. Soon after, you discover she has a few “skeletons” in the closet, a checkered past. How would you react if she a) was a former stripper or worked in the adult entertainment industry b) had many partners - both genders. Would you be willing to deal with it? Would it make a difference if she was forthcoming about everything? What if you found out from somebody else and had to confront her about it?
So I recruited one of our male readers to weigh in on today’s topic. It’s sort of a He Said/She Said angle. I would love to hear the varying responses to this particular subject and I hope to do more entries of this nature. So, after the jump, see how Red Khezu and I weighed in on the topic, When She Has A Past:
He said: I would hope that this girl would have enough respect for me that she would tell me these things herself. Especially if she truly wanted to pursue a relationship with me.
She said: Men can be tricky about this kind of thing. It’s like you don’t want to know, but you do want to know. Guys hate to be blindsighted but they also get all squeamish when we bring up other men/experiences.
He Said: These are not things that should be kept hidden. Even moreso if marriage was something desired out of the relationship. I have always felt that in a serious relationship that can lead to marriage you should let your partner know who you really are and not to keep secrets from them. If they truly love you, they will love you for who you are.
She Said: Well, in a perfect world, maybe. Women know that men can only handle so much before their ego checks in. Sometimes we try to keep things to ourselves (way too long) because we know how you perceive us as “good women” and we don’t want to lose that. Ever.
He Said: Dating a former porn star might be pushing it a bit. I have respect for my body and I don’t run around acting on my male sexual instincts (believe it or not). So in a sense, I would want my partner to have as much respect for their body as I do mine - if not more. But we could always be friends.
She Said: I don’t think I could date a porn star either. I could, however, date an aspiring actor, who starred in a low budget movie, that happened to have a racey love scene in it. Especially Eric Balfour! Um, is that so wrong?
He Said: To all the “bad girls”, I say bite the bullet and be honest. If you really want a good partner. If it’s meant to be, he will love you no matter what your past is.
She Said: Now, I could have agreed with your last comment if it started with, If you look like Melissa Ford, Pamela Anderson or other Playboy Magazine-worthy women. Just kidding, fellas (sort of)
So, guys what do think? Ladies, how do you handle those skeletons in the closet? What happens when you have more skeletons than a cemetery in there?!
Permalink | Comments (338) | Categories: He Said/She Said
What’s your wow factor?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
If there’s one great thing I can say about the Atlanta dating scene, it’s that there are some really good looking single people! Ladies, whatever you fancy, we’ve got it all. From the artsy and eclectic hotties that can be spotted at MJQs, to the slick and smooth gents hanging out in Buckhead or Virginia Highlands. Let’s not forget the gorgeous, mature single dads in the city and the suburbs. There are fantastic men all around, just waiting to be wowed.
So, how do we wow them? If I spot somebody that makes me take notice, I want to be creative and wow him. But I want to do this without being drunk, acting like a cheap floozy, or appearing ditzy. So how does THAT work? Now my usual strategy is to be witty and flirtatious, which impresses some guys, but wow factor? I can’t say that I pull that off very often - well, I don’t think I do. When I see Mr. I Must Know His Name, I want to wow him. Maybe I should learn a magic trick or something?
Guys, when was the last time you were really impressed by a woman? What did she say or do that really made you think, wow!
Ladies, when was the last time you met a guy with the “wow” factor - the good wow!
Most women I know aren’t comfortable with asking men out. It’s understandable that we don’t like the rejection (guys don’t either, though) and just prefer to let the man pursue. However, there should be some effort to make it a tad easier. So, what specifically can women do to send the right signals to a guy. What has worked for you before?
Guys, what do you really think of women who ask you out, too bold or impressive?
With so many single people in Atlanta, how do you stand out?
Let’s wow each other today and keep it light and fun, just bring your wow factor- the GOOD wow today!
Permalink | Comments (246) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
She will be loved
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
I am eagerly anticipating the new Maroon 5 album to hit itunes. I have been playing She Will Be Loved, one of my favorite songs over and over all weekend! I like this song so much because it kind of describes the male perspective when their loved one is flipping the script.
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want
Women can be complicated, no doubt about it. We are complex creatures that have flaws, insecurities, fears, anxiety, and a myriad of other things. When we start to change our behavior, or when something is wrong, there is usually a reason behind it. We may not even know what the reason is!
So how do men handle it when we are going through hard times? Sure, it sounds great to hear the ever so hot, Adam Levine swoon the sweet words, but is that the real world? Can men really have that much patience and compassion with us when we are so to confusing them?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but I think so. I certainly witnessed my parents treat each other with love, respect, and compassion. I already know that this is what I would want to have when I get married too.
When a man loves a woman, how does he show compassion?
If someone grew up in a household where there was little compassion and love expressed, do you think this impacts how one relates to their significant other?
Ladies, let’s clue the men in on a few possible reasons why our attiude, behavior, or emotions change. Perhaps they can get some insight into how we think. Well, at least, we can offer the men a deeper insight besides their “women are just nuts” logic!
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I have your number
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Whenever a guy approaches me, I can usually tell if he will ask for my phone number within the first few minutes. I can sense chemistry or lack thereof, almost right away. If I am interested, I already know that I will agree to a first date, and I give him my phone number. If I am NOT interested, I already know that I am iffy on whether or not we would have a good time together. Then I give him my phone number. Why? Because I can’t always accurately predict chemistry and attraction within a few minutes.
A few of my guy friends have said that I need to break this habit. Guys think that having my phone number is directly associated with my interest level. If I am not sure about chemistry, it’s just better to just decline the number exchange altogether.
I disagree because I have given my phone number to plenty of guys I had major chemistry with, only to find out later, we were not a match. Then again, there are times when I was right about my non-attraction with someone.
So, on the dating scene, do you get a lot of phone numbers from people as part of the numbers game of dating?
Do you think that having more phone numbers actually increases your chances of finding a potential date?
How sure are you about dating potential when you agree to swap contact information?
Have you ever given your number to someone and regretted it?
When you exchange phone numbers is your interest level low, high, or to be determined?
Do you only ask for phone numbers of people with whom you have great chemistry?
One of my bachelor friends told me that often times, he will get phone numbers for both types of women: the type you date and the type you marry. Is this common? Ladies, do you have similar strategies?
Permalink | Comments (143) | Categories: Mix & Mingle
Back up off me
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
One of my colleagues recently e-mailed me an article from e-Harmony about how to read body language on the dating scene. I breezed through it and, surprise, there was no revolutionary information in it.
If the person you’re chatting with isn’t looking you in the eye, they’re probably not interested. If they’re leaning into you, they are interested. Blah blah blah. All that stuff is just common sense.
But I wonder if most people really execute common sense on the dating scene. For example, my two girlfriends and I went out dancing a couple of weeks ago. And you have to understand, we were going out dancing. Not to pick anyone up, not even to really drink. Just to move until we couldn’t stand anymore. The kind of dancing when you’re so sweaty that no one should really want to pick you up…
Anyway, we were bombarded — bombarded, I tell you! — by men wanting to dance with us. We would politely decline, as we weren’t interested. But we weren’t exactly sending “come and get me” signals to anyone that night. We were mostly maintaining eye contact with each other and enjoying each other’s company.
Many of these men put on their man pants and accepted the rejection. They clearly knew how to read both the not-so-obvious body language once they talked with us and the extremely obvious “no” that came out of our mouths.
But what floored me is the men who consistently kept nagging us to dance. These were men that we’d already turned down, only to see them come back five minutes later and ask again. There were even other men who watched these interactions take place, and then proceeded to be the next people to ask us!
And although some of these men were extreme examples of misreading body language, we’ve all seen the poor, unsuspecting sap (or sappette) bothering someone who’s clearly not interested in them. (And I know I have personally been the sappette before.)
When was the last time you were hit on or chatted up by someone who clearly misread your body language?
Have you ever misinterpreted someone else’s signals?
Who do you think is guiltier of misinterpretation — men or women? And why can’t we read each other better?
Dr. Kym brought up this subject the other day, so I’m interested in what you all have to say!
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Best friends forever?
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My little sister is soon-to-be-engaged! Her long-term boyfriend Juan has been to many a family function since they started dating more than a year ago, and we’re simply waiting for him to show up on one knee with a ring closer to the end of their college careers.
When I talked to her Monday afternoon, I asked her when she and Juan knew they were in love. She said he knew it when “they could shut up around each other,” meaning that they didn’t have to fill lulls in the conversation. She said it was when she realized they were best friends. Awww.
I know many people who promote the “best friends” style of dating, where you get to know someone casually, mostly in group settings at first, to make sure you can manage a friendship with each other. And then if that works out, and the chemistry is still there, you start dating.
I think the one time I’ve dated a best friend was back in high school, and the relationship only lasted three months. But the fact that so many people are gung-ho on this idea makes me wonder how much of that philosophy is fueled by romantic comedies. Movies including When Harry Met Sally, Emma, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, and Breakfast at Tiffany’s are just a few among many movies that hinge on this falling-in-love-with-your-best-friend storyline.
How grounded in reality is this notion? I mean, it makes sense that as you are dating someone, they grow into your best friend, as in my sister’s case. But how often do you just wake up to realize that you’ve been blinded to the fact that your best friend is perfect for you? Are we taking these storylines to heart a little too much?
Have you ever begun dating your best friend? How long did it take for the two of you to realize that you were a good fit for each other? Was it easier or more difficult to start out dating someone you had already known for awhile?
Men, I have to ask this, a la Harry Met Sally: were you actually interested in this best friend all along? Or did you have to “wake up” to the concept of dating her? Be honest!
Permalink | Comments (159) | Categories: Dating
Second chances
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
My best friend Peter and I have known each other for more than a decade now. We were on an athletic team together in high school, and although we went to different colleges, we still made an effort to visit each other occasionally. We dated for awhile when we were younger, but I broke up with him because, at the time, I thought our interests were too different for us to live happily ever after.
Fast forward to the present. We’re both a little older, more mature, and are pursuing our dream careers. And the interests that I had previously thought were too different are now a moot topic. We’ve always remained friends, but I think my admiration and respect for him have increased as he’s grown from a boy into a man. And as I hung out with him the last time were both in our hometown, I couldn’t help but think how we’re so perfect for each other now.
Laney posted a blog earlier this spring that addressed whether or not it’s worth giving someone a second chance a few weeks or months after a breakup. But my question is, what if it’s been years?
Generally, I think that if you break up with someone, there’s a valid reason. But is 5, 10, or 15 years enough time for people to really change?
Have you ever run into an ex years later to find that they are a completely different person? That they’ve changed for the better? That you are perfect for them and that they are perfect for you? Have you had a successful relationship with someone you had already dated years before?
If this is possible, is it only possible if someone is transitioning into woman/manhood? Or are people capable of drastic relational change much later in life as well? Or is it a case of people remaining mostly the same, with a few minor differences as they age?
Have you ever kicked yourself for breaking up with someone that turned out to be wonderful later in life?
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Faster than a speeding bullet…
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
This month I found out my friend Yolanda is engaged to be married after dating her boyfriend for three weeks. THREE WEEKS! I mean, seriously. (I must say, although I’ve seen some train-wreck-quick-engagements, this particular one seems to be based in some sensible rationale in addition to the lovey-dovey feelings.)
Although I am incredibly happy for her and am convinced that she and this man will be able to stay happily married for the rest of their lives, I also keep thinking that I could personally NEVER get engaged to someone after knowing them for three weeks. Even if I saw someone every day, it’s still too fast for me. What if he turns out to be an axe murderer? Is three weeks long enough to know if a relationship will work out? How long do you think it takes before you really know someone’s personality?
Do you have (or did you have…) a theoretical minimum on how long you need to date someone before you marry him or her? Could you just as easily get engaged to someone after two weeks as you could two months or two years? Does it depend on the relationship? Or are there some basic rules of safety and logic that should apply to every relationship?
On the flip side, is there a maximum amount of time you should date someone before you cut them loose? What about people (assuming that they are marriage-minded) who have been dating for five years or more? What are they waiting for? At some point, are you just wasting your time and preventing yourself from finding someone who really does want to marry you? Do you know anyone who was in a relationship for years only to find out that his or her SO didn’t want to get married?
Permalink | Comments (193) | Categories: Marriage
